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=== i still dont care much what people call me
this post is about pronouns.
of course for many if not most people, pronouns can matter a lot. im not unsympathetic about that, im happy that applies to me less.
people can deliberately be jerks, and pronouns are one thing they might abuse to try to hurt your feelings or self-worth. its certainly possible for me to realise (sometimes) when someone is doing that, and (once again) for me personally its not the pronouns that sting as much as the intention to make me feel terrible.
the bad intention isnt always there, and even then the wrong pronoun can make a person feel bad of course. for me, i never had a strong sense of gender whatsoever, so if people used male pronouns, whatever, thats fine, if they used female, whatever, thats fine. if they used gender neutral pronouns, whatever, thats fine. for the most part i still feel this way.
how i try to present and how i identify are not always the same. i assumed that if i was trans i would be enbie. to my surprise, i identify more as female than enbie. i often present as androgynous or somewhat male, and being assumed male doesnt have the same effect on me it does on some trans women.
some people say "i dont have 'preferred pronouns', i have 'pronouns'". i think thats a legitimate protest. personally, i find i do have preferred pronouns. when people quietly and discreetly refer to me the way i identify, as female, its nice. its not even preferred in every possible context, but its how i identify and it means something. my closest friends know me as female and treat me accordingly. its nice.
in other situations, not everyone knows the real me. ive been in the closet about being on the neurodiversity spectrum for years, and there are situations where i really dont need that acknowledged, and this is similar at least.
how i identify is very personal to me. its great that people make the world better by being at the forefront of a movement and come out in public, and seeing the closet as a form of privilege is understandable in a way...
i think seeing the closet as a limitation is more realistic, and people choose to be closeted for various reasons. i do think building a world where the closet is more of an option and less of a necessity is a very good thing. dragging people out of the closet to "enlist" them in that heroic battle however, is not something i will likely ever think is a good thing even if i come out entirely.
its not a good thing to out people, and i do my utmost to support those who wish to be discreet.
i also try to support those who are out.
im sure there is some difference between a closeted ally who is trans and an out ally who is trans-- and usually the word "ally" probably implies someone who isnt themselves trans (or who isnt lgbt.) i mean the word in the broader sense of solidarity.
im never sure i get these terms 100% right anyway. as a trans person i feel some trans people are on my side and some trans people are never going to be. thats how every group is really. but in-group solidarity is also a thing, and for a marginalised group that in-group solidarity can be very important. i still think the reality is said solidarity is... how can i say this... not binary.
i think what kind of ally you are most helpful as, depends on the situation and the person, as much as it depends on whether you are out or closeted. you can be out and less of a help (in a particular situation) or closeted (maybe even cis) and be the perfect ally when one is needed the most. and its true the other way around as well.
i largely think that rather than expecting everyone to be everything to everyone, that we all have our different strengths, weaknesses and needs, and things we bring to the table.
and a lot of times i think thats expressed in a just so, not very meaningful, not fully comprehended (sort of empty) way. it can used as a platitude, as an unconvincing pat on the back.
but i think theres truth to it, regardless of whether the person saying it realises that truth. there isnt a single person on earth you can count on every possible situation at every possible moment. no one is perfect and we will let each other down sometimes.
some people are good people, and thats honestly good-- some people are great people, and thats definitely great! and all good people are trying to grow. even some lousy people are trying, at least. help sometimes comes from UNLIKELY allies. thats why sometimes at least, its best to not rely too much on accounting (or zero tolerance arguments) when you want to know who your allies are.
but of course, you generally dont have to accept help that you dont want, either.
you never know who is going to save the day on a particular day. sometimes people will surprise you, just like sometimes youll surprise yourself. and sometimes at least, we should give them that chance to surprise us by helping.
ive had experience with people who lend a hand just so they can gain your trust and start abusing you later. i dont mean those people. i mean sometimes, unexpected (but nonetheless sincere) people will be the ally from nowhere, and thats great when it happens.
this work can be freely reused: (cc by 4.0) https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/
<3 zara