💾 Archived View for tilde.club › ~anthonyg › files › humor › mstings › new-gen.txt captured on 2024-07-09 at 01:29:46.
⬅️ Previous capture (2022-07-16)
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
From: jcp9j@virginia.edu (Jamie Plummer)
Date: Fri, 24 Jan 1997 00:40:28 GMT
Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc,alt.tv.mst3k,alt.startrek.creative
Subject: MSTed: "A New Generation" [1/10] (Ratliff)
[MUT3k Theme]
[1-2-3-4-5-6]
Mike: Hi everybody. My name is Mike and I'm an avatar.
Tom & Crow: Hi Mike!
Mike: For those of you just joining us, Tom, Crow and myself are pure energy.
But we've been trapped in a Radford University Experimental
Internetlink satellite by Mrs. Forrester.
Crow: And she's making us read Ratliff's fanfics, here in this text-based
environment.
Tom: And it's all hot and it hurts and stuff.
Mike: And we'll be right back.
[Commercials]
[SOL Bridge -- or, rather, a text-based mock up of same]
Mike: Crow, I hope you're happy. I can't believe you got us stuck here.
Crow: Come on, Mike. How was I supposed to know Pearl would do this to us?
Besides, Tommy and I are kinda getting used to this MUD thing.
Tom: Yeah, watch this.
Tom declares a Holy PieWar (tm) on Crow for getting us stuck here.
Tom pulls a Key Lime from his PieHolster and lobs it at Crow.
Direct Hit! He got Key Lime all over Crow!
Crow whacks Tom with Killer Shrew.
Tom whacks Crow with Rat Pack Chess Set.
Crow whacks Tom with Gutter-Bumber-Chute.
Tom whacks Crow with Dull Surprise!
PearlF @knocks and asks if she can join you.
Mike: Enough you two. Rosemary and Adrian are calling.
PearlF materializes out of nowhere.
Mrs. F: Hello, Art. Bots.
Mike: Wait a min-
Mrs. F: Just stopped by to let you know that there's a new bit of Ratliff
poopie coming up the cyberpike. It's called "A New Generation." The
only thing new is the pain. It's in ten parts.
Crow: Oh, we can handle a tenth of Ratliff.
Mrs. F: Yes, I'm sure you could. But since you're all eternal and pure and
immortal, time has no meaning to you. You'll be getting all ten
parts at once.
Tom: Wha- huh?
Mrs. F: It would take a scientist to explain, and Clayton is still in
diapers. Anyway, I'll be logging your session and playing the
experiment for Clayton on his baby monitor. It seems to keep him quiet.
->>> disconnected: PearlF (#13) - total: 3
Mike: We've got fanfic sign!
[6-5-4-3-2-1]
> Star Trek
Tom: Ready guys?
Mike & Crow: NO.
Tom: Neither am I. [sobs]
> A New Generation
Mike: Wait for it...
> A Marrissa Story
ALL: AAAAH!
> by Stephen Ratliff
>
ALL: AAAAHH!
Mike: No matter how ready you think you are...
> Disclaimer:
> Paramount owns Star Trek. I own the story.
>
Crow: Paramount is multimultibillion entertainment conglomerate. I get
beaten up for my lunch money.
> NOTICE: (from Mark Twain's Huck Finn)
> Persons attempting to find an motive in this narrative will be
> prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished;
> persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot
> BY ORDER OF THE AUTHOR
Tom: We know better.
Mike: Yep, we're safe on that account.
>
> Author's Note:
> This Story is set five months after A Royal Wedding. It is
> first in a series.
Crow: Then what the heck were the other 10 Marrissa Stories?
> The above notice is listed due to the nice people
> over on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc :)
>
Tom: "rec.arts.tv...?" The hell is that all about?
Mike: Probably just some of Ratliff's geeky Internet friends...
> Prologue
>
Crow: A Quinn Martin production.
> This is the story of how the War of Romulan Desolation began.
Mike: Some Archduke Franz Romulan or other was shot.
Tom: No, I think Romulus took Poland.
Crow: Dien Bien Phu, actually.
> It
> was a war that was a long time coming, and when it came it was unlike
> any war before it.
Tom: Different people died in this one?
> Some say the war was caused by paranoia. Paranoia fed by the
Tom: The Audubon Zoo's patrons. Please, do not feed the paranoia.
> Federation Fleet built to defeat the Borg and the Dominion. Paranoia
> fed by the growing Romulan Logic Movement.
Tom: Fed in turn by the growing dosages of Romulan Ex-Lax.
Mike: Wrong movement, Tom.
> Paranoia fed by the Founders
> of the Dominion.
> Whatever the reason, one thing most historians agree about is
> that the Romulans
Crow: ... were just plain stupid-lookin'.
> ' capture and destruction of Rear Admiral Riker's
> Enterprise-E was the straw that broke the camel's back.
Tom: Wait a minute... Riker is a camel's rear?
> There were other
> straws, like the
Crow: ... goofy, bendy ones served in fintoozlers.
> consistent annual destruction of a middle of the road
> Starfleet vessel.
Mike: That's gonna happen if they stay on top of the yellow line like that.
Crow: Why don't they look?
> But those straws were easy to brush under the rug.
> The destruction of the Flagship was not such a straw.
Tom: The Flagship has wall-to-wall carpeting!
> In any event, any other ship's destruction by Romulans at that
> time would have been just as likely to ignite the flames of war at that
> time.
Crow: That's a timely observation.
> Just five months earlier, the Romulans had sent a dozen warbirds
> across the zone to attack the Federation Planet Essex, believing
Mike: ... Marrissa was there.
> the
> ships gathered there were preparing to attack them. Nothing could have
> been further from the truth. They were there to attend the wedding of
> Captain Marrissa Picard, Princess and Heir to Essex, and her first officer,
> Commander Jay Gordon.
Tom: -- Loser and hairless dweeb.
> The Romulans arrived just after the wedding,
Crow: Just in time to crash the reception and its open bar.
Mike: Don't those nutty Romulans know spelling bees have the best open bars?
> allowing
> the daughter of the Fleet Admiral to rack up yet another tactical victory.
Tom: By "tactical," Ratliff means "dumb."
> This attack, done in full view of the large number of reporters
Mike: Those mattering mabobs of Marrissadom.
> gathered for the wedding, was latched onto by the press. Over the next
> five months the story snowballed,
Crow: Mike, have you ever seen "Clerks"?
Mike: No. Why?
Crow: Oh, nevermind.
> with the discovery of the annual
> attacks on Star Fleet vessels, and the attempts at covering up the losses.
Tom: You know, the tactical considerations behind the decision to allow the
Romulans to kill off a crew each year is beyond my puny mind. I salute
you, Starfleet!
Mike: I don't even get what the Romulans were trying to do...
> By the time the Fleet Admiral got word of the Enterprise-E's
> capture, Jean-Luc Picard knew war was on its way.
Crow: So the Fleet Admiral told him?
> This is the story of
> how the fire of war was lit and the new generation that fought it ...
Tom: Backdraft: The Next Generation.
[Commercials]
[Continued in Part 2]
Jamie Plummer jcp9j@virginia.edu http://faraday.clas.virginia.edu/~jcp9j
"It's merely symptomatic of our postmodern ennui. There are no
absolutes unless you perceive our world as meaningless when it's
really your own freedom you detest. I like pork." -- Brak
From: jcp9j@virginia.edu (Jamie Plummer)
Date: Fri, 24 Jan 1997 00:42:03 GMT
Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc,alt.tv.mst3k,alt.startrek.creative
Subject: MSTed: "A New Generation" [2/10] (Ratliff)
> Chapter One
Tom: And now, Stephen Ratliff reads from the Book of Marrissa; Chapter 1 ,
Verse 1.
>
> Captain's Log
> USS Enterprise NCC-1701-E
> Rear Admiral William T Riker recording
Mike [Riker]: Is this thing on?
> This is my final mission as Captain of the Enterprise. While
> I'd prefer another final mission
Mike [Riker]: ... what I'd really like is a final mission.
> than patrolling the Romulan Neutral
> Zone,
Crow: Did you hear they picked a new chairman for the RNZ?
> it's certainly preferable to my other choice. I certainly hope
> Captain Marrissa Picard of the Endeavor enjoys Laxwana Troi.
>
Mike: Always serve Betazoid with a nice Chianti.
> As Riker finished recording his log, he noticed a smile
> gracing his Klingon First Officer's face.
Mike [Riker]: Are Klingons ticklish there?
> "Something funny, Mister
> Worf?" he asked.
Tom: Zero Mostel stars! In "A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Worf's Room."
> "I'm just remembering some of the times Miss Troi has given us
> on the Enterprise," Worf responded.
> "I have to admit, Worf, that if Laxwana had taken the Enterprise,
Mike: "... we'd all be on milk cartons!"
> I'd be following Picard's example and retreat to the holodeck." Riker
> remarked.
> "I do not blame you, the Vice President is annoying," Worf replied.
Crow: What with uninformed environmental doomsaying, his technoblather, his
censor-happy wife...
Tom: Yeah, but don't forget the Gore Daughters!
Crow: Ah, they couldn't even take the Lubbock Babes.
> "I'm just tired of her asking when Deanna and I are having another
> child," Riker replied. "As if Andrew wasn't enough."
Tom [Worf]: "Will, this may not be the best time for this, but have you
noticed Andrew's dark complexion and raised forehead?"
> "Speaking of Deanna, I want to know why she suddenly decided to
> go to Command School," Worf inquired.
> Riker never answered. The tactical officer interrupted, announcing,
> "Romulan Warbirds decloaking."
Tom: Wock-a-chicka!
> "RED ALERT, raise shield, ready weapons," Worf ordered. "How many
> tactical?" Riker inquired.
> "Six, sir," Lieutenant Ross Lochard replied. "That's too many,"
> Riker replied.
Mike [Riker]: They promised no more than four!
> "Send out a distress call on subspace 2." The Romulans
> opened fire.
> "Return fire," Worf ordered.
> "Worf, I don't think we
Mike: "... have enough postage."
> stand much of a chance of not being
> captured," Riker said. "So how would you like to take a Romulan Starbase?
Tom: I think it would be FUN to run a Romulan Starbase!
> Helm evasive pattern Marrissa
Crow: Run! Marrissa's coming!
> Mozart twenty-one"
> "I'd enjoy it," Worf replied. "Tactical firing pattern Alex One
> Oh One."
> "In that case, I believe a change in footwear is recommend," Riker
> responded.
Mike: Oh, great. They're in a "Cathy" comic strip now.
> "Helm hard to port." A Romulan plasma torpedo exploded off the
> starboard bow.
Tom: o/~ ... starboard bow, starboard bow, starboard bow. There's Klingons
off the starboard bow, starboard bow, Jim! o/~
> "May I suggest we start making ourselves look hurt?" Worf replied,
> changing his boots.
Tom [Worf]: o/~ It's a beautiful day in the Alpha Quadrant,
a beautiful day in the Alpha Quandrant. o/~
> "Tactical, firing pattern Alex Two, center on the
> warbird at one five mark six oh."
> "Agreed, Engineering, I want you to make it look like every hit
> has ten percent more effectiveness than it really does," Riker ordered.
Tom: Hey guys, let's pretend like this fanfic is ten percent more interesting
than it really is.
> "If this wasn't the Flagship, I'd order twenty.
Crow: This way, they'll shoot at us some more.
> Helm, evasive pattern
> Omega."
> "Can't make it too easy," Worf said, as the Romulans increased
> their fire, noticing their apparent success.
Mike: Why don't they just let them destroy the Enterprise and then keep it all
a secret? It's apparently been working for years.
> "May I suggest we set Omega
> destruct?"
Crow: May I suggest you bite me?
> "That will cause the Enterprise to blow up when the last crew
> member is safely away," Riker noted. "I like the idea, who was it that
> came up with that idea?"
> "Marrissa, I believe," Worf replied.
Mike [televangelist]: Do you *BELIEVE* in Marrissa, brothers and sisters?!
Tom & Crow: NO!
> "Computer, set Destruct, Omega, Authorization Riker, Omega Two
> Alpha Destruct," Riker ordered.
> "Does the First Officer concur?" the Computer replied. "Yes,
> Authorization Worf Alpha One Beta Destruct Omega," Worf concurred.
Tom [Mom]: Would you jump off a cliff if the computer asked you, Worf?
> "Destruct set for two minutes after last crew person leaves or
> dies," the Computer informed.
> Then Lieutenant Commander Ross Lochard broke in, "Shields have
> failed,
Tom: They've replaced her with Tea Leoni.
> the Romulans are hailing us."
> "On screen," Riker ordered. The Romulan Admiral Soovik appeared,
> his grin wide. "Admiral Soovik, I see the Preator is getting desperate.
Crow: And the Consul is at his wits' end!
> You do know that this attack on my ship is an act of war, and right now
> the Federation is not inclined to ignore one."
Mike [Riker]: "Unless we decide to cover it up again."
> "Yes I know and I also know that you are in no condition to be
> demanding anything," Soovik replied. "I demand your unconditional
> surrender. My prize crew will beam aboard and
Tom: She will win the blue ribbon in the milking contest.
> we will tow your ship
> back to our side of the zone.
Crow: Does that make them Repomulans?
Tom: Crow?
Crow: Yes, Tommy?
Tom: Flip you, you flippin' melonfarmer!
> No one will know what happened to the
> Enterprise."
Tom [Shatner]: What... ever happened to... Saturn... Three?!
> "Perhaps, perhaps,
Mike: Of course, of course.
Tom: And no one will talk to his horse, of course.
Crow: That is of course, unless the horse is the famous William Riker!
> however you may have just made the biggest
> mistake in your career," Riker responded.
Mike: He's gonna strike it out on his own in the McLean Stevenson Show?
> "I don't think so," Soovik smiled.
Crow: "I'm no Shelley Long."
> "The capture of the
> Enterprise will do much to further my career."
> "You have my surrender," Riker responded. "However your career
> will be over in less than a month."
Tom: Billy Ray Cyrus used to destroy starships, too.
> The Romulan Admiral laughed and closed the channel. Moments
> later a prize crew beamed on to the Enterprise's bridge and
Mike: ... handed out the ribbons for the milking contest.
> took over.
>
> Personal Log
> Lieutenant Commander Clara Stutter-Rozhenko
Crow: Ro-Ro-Ro-Ro.... um, Rose-Ro-Rozhenko!
> Chief Engineer, USS Endeavor
> Stardate 61573.69
> I never thought that being pregnant would cause me to be so
> annoyed.
Tom [Clara]: "Marrissa's fetus has a better Kobayashi Maru time than mine!"
> Then I met Laxwana Troi. Seeing my condition, she quickly went
> into mother hen mode.
Mike: But doctor, the eggs taste great!
> She tries to get me to sit down, interferes with
> my duties, annoys my staff, and more importantly my husband, Alex.
> I'm sure Marrissa is targeted as well, after all she's
Crow: ... first against the wall when the revolution comes.
> only a
> month behind me. However she can retreat to her ready room and gets to
> sit down on the job, whereas I have to move around and fix things.
> I have decided that if Mrs. Troi continues to annoy me and my
> staff, she will be thrown out of Engineering.
Tom: You know, this is exactly the kind of quick-thinking command decision
that enabled Clara to ascend rapidly up the ranks.
> Meanwhile, warp efficiency is up by point oh five percent. On
> the fleet wide efficiency scale,
Tom [Cosell]: Ali is weighing in...
> the Endeavor is at 98.95 percent, point
> 4 above the nearest, the Defiant. The Nova is moving up, now at 97.01.
Mike: Hey guys, write this down. I bet it's important later.
[All snicker]
> This week's low ship on the scale is the Clinton at 72.01 due to a warp
> core malfunction.
>
Crow: Is that the identifying mark Paula Jones has been talking about?
> Clara Stutter-Rozhenko was under a console with a
Crow: ... Ferengi.
> large number
> of parts arrayed around her, when Laxwana Troi caught up with her in
> Main Engineering. "Is it really necessary for you to do that?" Laxwana
> asked.
Mike: Yes! The fresh-ground Oregano is the key to the whole thing!
> "Do you want the VIP and Senior Officer's Quarters to suddenly
> freeze?" Clara asked.
Tom [Clara]: This isn't the Letterman show, you know.
> "I mean do you have to do it?" Laxwana responded.
Tom: o/~ Birds do it, bees do it o/~
> "Its called keeping one's hand in," Clara replied.
> "You must learn to delegate," Laxwana commented.
Mike: Join the NEA, dance the Macarena.
> "Do you see anyone standing around doing nothing?" Clara asked,
> beginning to lose her cool.
> "No, but surely there are more suitable jobs for a woman in your
> condition," Laxwana replied.
> "Madam Vice President, I'm Chief Engineer, not an invalid," Clara
> responded, finishing the repair and sliding out from under
Crow: ... her iron lung.
> the console.
> Tapping her communicator, she continued. "Ensign Dekcep, how is your part
> coming?"
Tom: "Have you mastered the role of self-help guru and infomercial fraud?"
> "Commander, its going to take a little more time," was Dekcep's
> reply.
> "How much time?"
Tom: A whole lot of precious time.
> "Quite a bit actually."
> "Explain."
Crow: When a mommy and a daddy love each other very much...
> "I was working on the conduit when someone tapped my shoulder,
> startling me. I kind of put my hand though the ODN control panel."
> "Understood, who was this person?"
Mike: Well, there was a devil on one shoulder, and -- this is where it gets
weird -- a bear on the other.
> "Mrs. Troi."
Mike: Mr. Quatre
Tom: Ms. Cinq
Crow: Dr. Six
> "Thank you, Ensign," Clara closed the channel staring at the
> annoying Betazoid.
Mike: "Annoying Betazoid." Isn't that Newt Gingrich's Secret Service code
name?
Tom: I think so...
> "Clara to Shayna."
> "Shayna here."
Crow: ... Shayna there. I shayn that ras-cule everywhere.
> "Shayna, how far are you from Engineering?"
> "I'm just entering it on my daily tour," Shayna replied,
Mike: ... piloting a tourist trolley.
> coming
> up behind Vice President Troi.
> "Shayna, this woman here has been causing my engineers problems,"
> Clara stated.
Mike: I used to have to watch films in health class about "engineer's
problem."
> "I'd like her escorted out of Engineering, and see that
Tom: ... her escort takes her to play with an intermission and dances to the
"Alley Cat" song.
> she doesn't enter any of my domain during the rest of her stay."
> "You mean you are throwing me out?" Laxwana replied, enraged.
Crow: Not so much as throwing you up. And feeding the regurgitated remains to
my young.
> "This is an insult, no one has ever kicked me out of anywhere."
Mike: Yeah, that Clara is a regular Don Rickles.
> "Then it is about time, Mrs. Troi," Clara responded, getting
> back to work.
> "This way, Madam Vice President," Shayna said, gesturing at the
> door.
Crow: So he says, he says, "If I could walk *this way*, I would be *Madam*
Vice President."
> Laxwana began to follow Lieutenant Sachs, saying, "I've never
> been treated like that before. How can she get away with that type of
> behavior."
Tom [scary redneck]: How? I'll tell you how, man! She's *Sachs*. As in
Goldman-Sachs? She's part of ZOG, man. She's just waiting to seize
power through the UN, man.
Mike: So, they have ZOG in the 24th century, Tom?
Tom: Sure. It's... ummm... Zionist-Occupied Galaxy.
Crow [to Mike]: Kill him.
Mike: Gladly.
> "That's any easy question to answer," Shayna replied. "She's
[Mike lunges for Tom, but Tom ducks]
> six months pregnant, runs Engineering on the fastest and most efficient
[Tom pops up by Crow.]
Crow: Mike! Over here!
> ship in the fleet, and is second officer. She is also a Princess of
[Mike gets up and grabs Tom.]
> Essex, and a good friend of the Captain, like the rest of the command
> crew."
Tom: Wait just a minute, Nelson!
Mike: What?!
Tom: Commercials.
Mike: Oh.
[Commercials]
[Continued in Part 3]
Jamie Plummer jcp9j@virginia.edu http://faraday.clas.virginia.edu/~jcp9j
"It's merely symptomatic of our postmodern ennui. There are no
absolutes unless you perceive our world as meaningless when it's
really your own freedom you detest. I like pork." -- Brak
From: jcp9j@virginia.edu (Jamie Plummer)
Date: Fri, 24 Jan 1997 00:44:16 GMT
Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc,alt.tv.mst3k,alt.startrek.creative
Subject: MSTed: "A New Generation" [3/10] (Ratliff)
> Chapter Two
Tom: Electric Boogaloo
Crow: Bugaloo
Tom: Boogaloo.
Mike: Soft drink.
>
> On the Romulan Starbase Four, Rear Admiral Riker smiled, as he
> was pushed in to join the Romulan Admiral Soovik. Just five minutes earlier,
> the Enterprise had chosen
Tom [Monty Hall]: Door Number Two!
> its death. Riker was rather pleased with its choice.
> "Riker, explain yourself,
Mike [Riker]: "Well, Roddenbury pitched me as the up-and-coming
second-in-command, and quite the ladies' man. I'd like to think
there's more to me that, though."
> you surrender your ship and then, after your crew
> leave, it moves into the middle of my fleet and blows itself up," Soovik
> related.
Crow: "Soovik *related*"?! What, is he in therapy?
> "I've just lost two ships and had three more damaged as a result
> of your little ploy."
Mike [Riker]: "How did you Deanna's pet name for my ... oh. You said *ploy*.
Nevermind."
> "I told you it was a mistake to capture us," Riker replied.
> "Its going to be fun to see you go down."
> "Oh I'm going nowhere," Soovik responded.
Tom: Soovik's like that. A real nowhere man.
> "That's right, nowhere but down." Riker rejoined. "By the way,
> Soovik, did you even bother to guard my crew?"
Crow [Pooh]: Oh, bother.
> "Of course I did," Soovik stated. "Why?"
> "Just wondered."
>
> Fleet Admiral Jean-Luc Picard was sitting in on the Ship Naming
> Commission
[Mike and the bots gasp for breath]
Mike: Yes, Captain, we'll consider the USS Arthur Conan Doyle. Now, please,
get off of my chest.
> meeting, in hopes of encouraging their action. There was a
> new Nova Class Starship ready to be commissioned, which still needed
> a name. Since it was ready to enter service, a name was rather important.
Crow: "Names are important." This story is about as insightful as "Free to
Be, You and Me."
> As he observed the debate, his Chief of Staff, Lieutenant Sirek
> entered the room. Sirek had come
Tom: ... from a stamp auction in New England.
> highly recommend from both his academy
> professors and his Kid's Crew captain, the Admiral's son in law, Jay.
> The young Vulcan had certainly lived up to expectations.
Mike: Which isn't really saying too much.
> His
> organizational abilities and tact were beyond the usual expectations
> of a twenty year-old. He came around and positioned himself behind
> Picard's left ear. Handing the Fleet Admiral a PADD, he whispered.
Tom: Jay is working as an L.A. on the Hill.
> "I've just confirmed that the Enterprise has been destroyed, and her
> crew captured."
> "Thank you Sirek," Picard responded.
Crow [Picard]: "It's about time Riker was taken care of."
> "Wait here a minute
> please." Then the Fleet Admiral stood up, bringing himself to the
> attention of the Board.
Tom: Wait... Is it a Board or a Committee?
Mike: Maybe it's just a bored committtee.
> "Ladies and Gentlemen, I have some information
> that may have some bearing on your debate. The USS Enterprise has been
> destroyed."
> As soon as Jean-Luc Picard sat down to watch, the chair of the
> board, Admiral Jerico
Crow: ... sat down to fob.
> said, "I place the name Enterprise in nomination.
> Do I have a second?"
Mike: Of course. Can't have a duel without a proper second.
> "Seconded," Admiral Paris responded. "I motion we vote."
> "Seconded," Admiral Yoshida replied.
> "We all know the eligible names," Admiral Jerico stated. "Four
> votes on any name passes. We will go left to right, Paris?"
Tom: That Cafe!
> "Enterprise."
> "Enterprise."
Crow: What was that Rear Admiral's name?
> "Enterprise."
> "Enterprise."
Tom & Crow: JEAN-LUC!
> "Enterprise."
Mike: Guys, we did that one last time.
> "Enterprise."
> "Enterprise."
> "The name Enterprise passes 7-0," Jerico concluded. "As the name
> Enterprise has been granted static number status,
Tom: ... it gets one of those nifty non-adhesive stickers for its windshield.
> the second Nova Class
> Starship shall be designated the USS Enterprise NCC-1701-F."
>
> Captain Marrissa Picard was listening to Vice President Troi's
> complaints after the Vice President had been thrown out of Engineering.
Mike: Back to the College of Arts and Crafts for her.
> Apparently she had no idea how much trouble she had caused Clara and her
> Engineering staff in her attempts to mother hen the Chief Engineer.
Crow: What with the feathers and all.
> "I don't see why I can't visit Engineering," the Ambassador
> stated.
> "Madam Vice President, when it comes to Engineering, I'd prefer
> to let Clara run it as she pleases," Marrissa replied.
Tom: Marrissa's been reading Peter Drucker.
> "After all she
> provides me with the fastest and fittest ship in the fleet."
> "But she threw me out of Engineering," Laxwana replied. "I am ...
> I am not a person to be thrown out like a little child."
Crow [Marrissa]: "That's right. You should be thrown out like and old woman.
Be gone, infidel!"
> "Mrs. Troi, I have read Lieutenant Commander Sutter-Rozhenko's
> report, and Clara has been my best friend for years," Marrissa replied.
Crow [Marrissa]: "At least, that's what it says here."
> "If she got fed up with you enough to throw you out of Engineering,
Mike: She's so stringy, the Donner party would get fed up with her!
> you really must have annoyed her. I know better than to cause her more
> annoyance by reversing her decision, her order stands."
> "But ..." Laxwana began.
> "Bridge to Captain," Alexander's voice interrupted.
Tom [Alexander]: "We thought the author mind need a quick way to end this
conversation. Please, come here immediately."
> "I'll be out there in a minute," Marrissa stated. "Good day
> Mrs. Troi." Marrissa exited the Ready Room onto the Bridge. "What is
> it, Alex?"
Mike: It's Worf's half-human son, but that's not important right now.
> "We are being recalled to Earth," Alexander replied from Ops.
Tom [Alexander]: "The CPSC says we contain small parts that may pose a choking
hazard to kids under three."
> "We are ordered to arrive within twenty-four hours. The whole command
> crew is to report to the Fleet Admiral's Office in dress uniform upon
> arrival."
Crow: Marrissa's having a deb party!
> "Great, I hate that uniform," Marrissa's husband and first
> officer, Commander Jay Gordon commented.
> "Personally, I find it flattering," Marrissa replied.
Tom [Marrissa]: "You look ravishing in Tafetta, my outranked husband."
> "Could that be because it hides your pregnancy better," Jay
> replied, teasing his wife. "Thus seeming to preserving your girlish
> figure?"
Mike: Ew. I did *not* want to think about Marrissa's girlish figure.
> "Hey, tomorrow's my 24th birthday," Marrissa stated defensively.
> "I have a right to want to maintain it.
Tom [Marrissa]: "Baby be damned!"
> Besides you only dislike the
> dress uniform because the collar is uncomfortable. Helm set a course
> for Earth, warp 11."
>
Tom: Let's set a course for outta here, guys.
[1-2-3-4-5-6]
[Virtual SOL bridge]
Crow: Hey guys, I found a way out of here!
Tom: Really?
Crow: Sure. I'm kind of responsible for letting Mother Forrester trap us,
here, so I felt it was the least I could do.
Mike: That's great Crow! What do we do?
Crow: Just follow me!
Crow goes south.
Tom goes south.
Mike goes south.
[Margaritaville Island]
[Around you, palm trees wave and trails lead off in several directions.
A small industry has sprung up here, with guides offering to show you around
the island, rent bikes by the hour or the day, sell you genuine souveniers of
the island, or anything else the weary traveller might want. Luckily, these
guys don't have to worry about the Tax Man...]
Crow: Pull up a deck chair, guys! This is the life!
Mike: Crow...
Crow: Yes, Mike?
Mike: All you did was @build another room! We're still trapped on this idiot
satellite, and we're still text-based avatars!
Crow: C'mon, Mike --
[A shadow is cast over the beach.]
Tom: AAIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Tom: Help!
Crow: What the --
Mike: It looks like Tom is being attacked by ... soup?
Crow: Heh. That shouldn't be in here. The virtual "Earth vs. Soup" set is
off to the west.
Tom: AAAGH! Mock Turtle!
[Commercials]
[Continued in part 4]
Jamie Plummer jcp9j@virginia.edu http://faraday.clas.virginia.edu/~jcp9j
"It's merely symptomatic of our postmodern ennui. There are no
absolutes unless you perceive our world as meaningless when it's
really your own freedom you detest. I like pork." -- Brak
From: jcp9j@virginia.edu (Jamie Plummer)
Date: Fri, 24 Jan 1997 00:45:50 GMT
Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc,alt.tv.mst3k,alt.startrek.creative
Subject: MSTed: "A New Generation" [4/10] (Ratliff)
>
> Chapter Three
>
Crow: Sorry about that Tom. Chicken Soup is good for the soul, though.
[Tom seethes]
> The command crew of the Starship Endeavor settled into the
> Fleet Admiral's Office. Seated, by the orders of Doctor Johnson, in
> the two chairs before Admiral Jean-Luc Picard,
Mike: Uh-oh. You guys ready for some titles?
> were Captain Marrissa
> Picard and Lieutenant Commander Clarrissa Sutter-Rozhenko. Standing
> behind them were their husbands, Commander Jay Gordon and Lieutenant
> Alexander Rozhenko. In between them, Doctor Jackson Johnson hovered,
> as if he expected their five and six month pregnant forms to burst at
> any moment.
Crow: Sounds like they've been species-norming those Starfleet MCATs.
> Up against the wall stood the mischievous Chief of Security,
> Lieutenant Shayna Sachs and her partner in crime, the Ship's Counselor,
> Martin Sussex.
Tom: They were first against the wall in Marrissa's Revolution.
> Behind the desk sat the Commanding Admiral, Starfleet;
Mike: That's one big desk!
> and father of the young Captain, Fleet Admiral Jean-Luc Picard.
> "How are things going on the Endeavor, Marrissa?" he asked,
> picking up a PADD.
> "Quite well, other than the fact that the Vice President drove
> Clara batty,
Crow: "... and I had to have her killed. Dirty business, this Starfleet."
> " Marrissa replied.
> "I know the feeling, you know Laxwana Troi once drove me into the
> Holodeck, so I could regain some composure," the Fleet Admiral responded
> in agreement.
Mike: That was back when Laxwana earned extra cash at nights driving cabs.
> "Pardon me, Admiral, but you didn't call us here to reminisce,"
> Marrissa stated.
> "No, I didn't, Marrissa," Jean-Luc Picard began. "Two days ago
> the USS Enterprise NCC-1701-E was captured in Federation Space by the
> Romulan Admiral Soovik. Yesterday, Its destruction,
Crow: So the Romulans killed Pennywise yesterday?
> and that of several
> Romulan Warbirds were detected. The Romulans, However are claiming that
> they hold the crew hostage.
Mike: "They claim the bloody toe they sent us was Riker's."
> "Starfleet Intelligence has confirmed that they are still alive
> and being held on the Romulan Starbase Four. Your mission,
Tom: ... should you decide to accept it ...
> as ordered
> by Congress, will be to rescue the crew of the Enterprise-E and destroy
> the Starbase."
Tom: Good luck, Jim. This message will self-destruct.
Crow: I wish this fanfic would self-destruct!
> "Does this mean we are about to go to war?" Jay asked.
> "Congress intends to declare war the moment your new ship is
> in place," the Captain's father replied.
Crow: "As soon as you're in their sights, Jay."
> "New ship? What new ship?" Marrissa asked.
> "The Nova Class Starship USS," the Fleet Admiral began, and
> then paused. After a minute, he continued, slowly,
Crow: "I had Jell-O today..."
> "Enterprise N-C-C
> 1-7-0-1 F."
> "Thank you, Dad," Marrissa replied, smiling broadly. "I hope
> you are ready for the headlines."
> "What headlines?" the Admiral inquired.
Mike: Oh, there's Variety's "Kid Pic Dibs Ship"
Crow: Or the Wall Street Journal's "Marrissa Picard helms Enterprise,
Dow plummets."
Tom: Don't forget the New York Times: "Picard Takes Enterprise, Breaks
Seventh Seal: Apocalypse especially hard on women, minorites.
> "I'm sure my fellow officers can tell you of some of the ones
> involving them that have appeared in the tabloid press," Marrissa
> commented.
> "You mean like 'Princess Endangers Unborn Child Working in
> Engineering,'" Clara responded.
Crow: " ...leaves child in day care run by power-mad princess."
> "Or perhaps this older one, 'Princess Clarrissa Injured in
> Klingon Mating Ritual,'" Alexander added.
Tom: "My N'grath blade barely drew blood!"
> "In the news because Clara
> got morning sickness during our honeymoon."
> "That's what you get for not waiting until the wedding night,"
> Martin replied.
Mike: *Sigh* Ratliff, you're about as subtle with the message stick as Alan
Alda.
> "Martin, according the same tabloid, your virtues aren't any
> better," Clara responded. "After all how many times have I seen, 'I'm
> having Martin, Earl Flores's baby.'"
Tom: Well, MTV *does* have that one in heavy rotation.
> As Martin's face grew red, Jay interjected to calm the storm,
> "Then there is the 'Princess' Husband Leaves Ship' appearing every time
> I lead an extended away team mission."
Crow: "And every time I try to give myself to the dark vacuum of space to
escape this 'life'."
> "Of course the reverse is true," Marrissa stated. "Like
> 'Princess Risks Self and Unborn Child on Away Mission.' Personally I
> don't think Tricornus Major was that dangerous."
Mike: "We kept the fatality rate well below 90 percent."
> "That's all well and good, but why would my giving you the
> Enterprise result in such headlines?" Jean-Luc Picard asked.
Crow: "... Besides the fact that that you make *me* sick and I may have to
injure you?"
> Marrissa smiled and said, "Tomorrow's Headline: 'Fleet Admiral
> Gives Daughter Flagship.'"
Tom: Oh, so she's Kyle Chandler alla the sudden?
>
> When Marrissa entered the runabout that was to take her to the
> Enterprise with her father and her command crew, she thought the back
> of the short pilot of the runabout Dedication was familiar. It didn't
> take long for her to find out who it was. "Jackie, set a course for
> Utopia Planetea Yards, Nova Class Starship Enterprise," Fleet Admiral
> Picard ordered.
ALL: *groan*
MIKE: I think this is the much-vaunted "New Generation."
TOM: I didn't think Steve could go too long withou writing about tykes saving
the world.
> "Aye, aye, Dad," the red-headed ensign replied "Course set,
> departure granted from Air Traffic Control, San Francisco, course
> cleared by Earth Space Control."
> "Jackie?" Marrissa exclaimed. "What are you doing here? and
> how did you get that Starfleet Uniform?"
Tom: "It simply isn't you! What were you thining?"
> "She's your new Computer Security Officer," Admiral Picard
> replied. "And as for how she got that uniform, well she snuck into
Crow: "My closet. I asked for it back, but then she told me she had seen...
certain 'recreational' uniforms which she threatened to tell Beverly
about."
> Starfleet behind my back."
> "Dad," Jackie drawled in response, "you know that isn't true.
> Admiral Jerico tried to ask you but
Mike: ".. his walls were falling."
> you refused his call."
> "Start from the beginning," Marrissa requested. "Just how did
> you get into Starfleet?"
Crow: "And what took you so long? I was a Queen/Captain/quantum singularity
by your age!"
> "Well, I was over at the Academy, listening into Admiral
> Jerico's The Discipline of the Service course, CMD 216, as I've been
> doing since I was 6," Jackie began. "Near the end of class, Dad came
> rushing in demanding that security be increased on the master Starship
> prefix code file, ASAP. After class, I asked Jerico if I could be
> assistance. He said only if you can
Mike: " ... call me Al."
> break into the file and give me
> a starship's prefix code without triggering an alarm. I demonstrated
> that I could by delivering the entire file and Admiral Jerico's orders
> for Stardates 45000 though 50000."
Tom: "And then I hacked into the DOJ's homepage! It was cool."
> "And the fool gave her a full Ensign's rank," Fleet Admiral
> Jean-Luc Picard interrupted. "Then he talked with the Commandant of
> Starfleet Academy, who proceeded to offer Jacqueline credit for any
> class which she could pass the final exam on."
Mike: "What with the dire shortage of preteens in the force, he deemed it a
necessary, even over-cautious measure."
> "Over the last three months I've passed 136 hours worth with a
> n average of eighty-two percent," Ensign Jacqueline Picard responded.
Crow: "Okay, but what was your Cuccarcha Sushi time?," Captain Marrissa
Picard, of the flagship Enterprise, daughter of Fleet Admiral and
Princess of Essex retorted.
> "I've got 16 hours more than I need to graduate, and Dad can't find a
> way to keep me out of Starfleet."
Tom: Damn kids running wild, these days.
> "Dad, you should know by now that it's impossible to keep a Picard
> girl from her goals," Captain Marrissa Picard said. "After all, I'm about
> to get the Captain's chair that I set out to get a dozen years ago."
Crow: "I'll have the whole dinette set by my thritieth birthday. I WILL, YOU
HEAR ME?!"
> "I know now," Jean-Luc Picard confirmed. "However there is other
> business to finish before we arrive at the Enterprise.
Mike: "Starfleet House is again pushing back the release date for 'Last
Dangerous Visions.'"
> Alexander Rozhenko,
> come over here."
> The young Klingon moved over to stand in front of the Fleet
> Admiral. "Yes, Admiral?" he inquired.
Tom: So Picard is an Admiral, then?
Mike: I think so, yeah.
> "A several months back,
Crow: From the Augustan calendar, to the Gregorian, to the Marrissan!
> Captain Picard put you in for a promotion.
> The Promotions board has seen fit to grant that request. Congraduations
ALL: [Hum/whistle "Pomp and Circumstance"]
> Lieutenant Commander," The Fleet Admiral pinned the hollow pip on the
> collar of the Klingon.
> "Thank you, Admiral, Captain," Alexander Rozhenko, son of Worf,
> replied.
Mike: "Doctor, Captain."
Tom: "Captain, Doctor."
Crow: "Doctor, Doctor, Captain."
>
> Meanwhile, outside the runabout, the Enterprise was coming into
> view. A toy hanging from the ceiling,
Tom: Steve, buddy! This is prose. There's no fx budget concerns here.
> its length shown off. Behind it
> was the planet named for the Roman God Mars, God of war, its red in
> contrast to the white surface of the ship. The new saucer section was
> an upside down spoon,
Crow: ... for scooping out the debris left in Marrissa's wake.
> like those of the Intrepid Class. Below it an
> ovaloid secondary hull with a flattened front end served to hold up
> the warp engines. The warp engines, at this distance, appeared to be
> like those on the Galaxy class but longer and rounder.
Tom: Should we know what he's talking about here, or not,.. or?
> Closer they drew, for an outside tour, before entering the larger
> fan-shaped forward facing fighter bay they were passing now. After the
> runabout passed in front of it, it turned down the starboard side. A long
> door was visible down the side, which hid the retractable saucer warp
Tom: Looks like Ratliff's been looking to the gripping "30 minutes looking at
the new Enterprise" scene from the first Trek movie.
Mike: Actually, Tom, the 1701-A wasn't introduced until Star Trek IV. That
was just an extensively refurbished *old* Enterprise.
Tom: Trekkie fanboy.
> engines. Then along the regular warp engines they proceeded. More
> differences were visible now. The tips of the engines were cut like jewels
> with reinforcements at the intersections of the planes, whereas on the
> Galaxy class they had been smooth. Now around the back of the ship,
> runabout turned, proceeding up the underside.
Crow: *shudder*
Mike: You okay, Crow?
Crow: Sure. You just don't want to know what I was thinking of there.
Mike: Ah-ha. Sure. (yowch).
> Several shuttle and cargo bay
> doors were visible, as was the deflector dish, which was twice as large
> as the ones on Galaxy Class Starships. Then up around the front and on
> toward the fighter bay.
> As they neared the bay, Marrissa read out her new ships
> inscriptions
Tom: Oh, no. Don't tell me they gave her a fleet, too.
> with glee, "USS Enterprise, United Federation of Planets,
> NCC-1701-F"
[Commercials]
[Continued in Part 5]
Jamie Plummer jcp9j@virginia.edu http://faraday.clas.virginia.edu/~jcp9j
"It's merely symptomatic of our postmodern ennui. There are no
absolutes unless you perceive our world as meaningless when it's
really your own freedom you detest. I like pork." -- Brak
From: jcp9j@virginia.edu (Jamie Plummer)
Date: Fri, 24 Jan 1997 00:49:47 GMT
Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc,alt.tv.mst3k,alt.startrek.creative
Subject: MSTed: "A New Generation" [5/10] (Ratliff)
>
> Chapter Four
>
> On the Romulan Starbase Four, Admiral Soovik was not satisfied
> with Admiral William T. Riker's responses to his questions.
Mike: Admiral Nimitz and Admiral Boorda demanded an accounting from Admiral
Ackbar.
Crow: But Admiral Thrawn stonewalled Admiral Farragut as Admiral Peary threw
up his hands in exasperation.
> "Enough
> evasions, Riker," he snapped. "I need to know the Federation's defense
> plans for Starbase 17 and its nearby outposts."
Mike [Riker]: We're switching from man-to-man to a zone.
> "I wouldn't tell you if I knew," Riker stated.
> "Oh you know," Soovik sneered. "The next Chief of Starfleet Operations
> would not be left in the dark.
Mike [Riker]: "Well, there was that one night with Deanna...
> But perhaps I can persuade you." The Admiral
Tom: ... opened his portfolio. "Can I intrest you in a term life policy?"
> pressed a button on his desk and ordered
Crow: ... o/~ Two triple cheese, side order of fries." o/~
> . "Bring in the Security Chief."
> The young Lieutenant Commander Lochard was brought in. A guard quickly
> strapped him into a nearby chair and hooked a device up to his head.
Tom: "No! Not the rat mask!" *whimper* "Five! Five!"
> "That
> device is a Romulan version of the old Klingon antagonizer.
Mike: Antagonizer?
Tom: I think he means agonizer.
Mike: Maybe it's a device that will introduce a well-rounded nemesis for the
protagonist.
Tom: Oh, somehow I doubt it.
> If you do not
> tell me what I want to know I will activate it," Soovik stated.
> "Threats will get you no where," Riker responded. At that Soovik
> pressed a button and Lochard began to writhe and scream as intense pain
> assaulted his brain. Violent convulsions followed as Lieutenant Commander
> Ross Lochard moved toward his death. Suddenly he gave up the ghost
Crow: Gave up the ghost? What the hell does that mean?
Mike: Maybe he his *Banquo* filed for bankruptcy.
Tom: Oooh. You're gonna pay for that one, Nelson.
> and was still.
> "Get rid of him," Soovik ordered his two guards. As the guards
> removed the Security Chief, dragging him out the door, Soovik
Tom: .. noticed the floor needed a cleaning.
> turned to
> Rear Admiral Riker. "Will you cooperate now? ... I can keep on killing
> your crew ...
Mike: Wait a minute. Did Ratliff just kill one of his characters?
Tom: I think so.
Mike: So this shows us that this Romulan desolation thing is serious business,
I guess.
Tom: Yep.
Crow: I still don't care.
Mike: Guys, maybe if we hang tight, he'll kill some more.
Crow: Wow, you think so?
Tom: We can dream, can't we?
> There are over a thousand of them. Do you want their
> blood on your hands?"
Tom: "Do you know how hard that is to wash off?"
> "His blood and those of any others that you kill will be on
> your hands," Riker replied sharply. "They knew the risks when they
> signed on."
Crow: Riker seems about as moved by what's-his-face's death as we were.
> "Did they?" Soovik replied. "The Federation hasn't been at war
> with a major power for over twenty years. And those children never
> signed anything."
Mike: If I didn't know any better, I'd say Ratliff is acknowledging the
extremely cruel fashion in which these kids were pressed into service.
>
> The runabout's doors opened to reveal the main fighter bay of the
> Enterprise. The bay was immense. It ranged from five to four decks in
> height.
Mike: That really conveys its immensity. Four decks. Wow.
> Symmetrical along the center line, it began with an opening to a
> corridor, above which were two bay windows atop each other. On the left and
> right four levels of twelve fighters were packed two deep. Then another
> corridor entrance, and at a sixty degree angle to the rear of the bay,
> another rank of seven fighters, three decks in height, was placed.
Tom: Wow, I fell like I'm there!
Crow: Really?
Tom: No.
> The center of the bay was filled with ranks of crew members, in red,
> yellow, blue, and green. The racks of fighters had camera men and reporters
> interspersed.
Mike: So Marrissa's putting reporters on the rack now?
> Before the assembled ranks, a raised platform sat, with a
> lectern on it. As Captain Marrissa Picard exited the runabout, the bosun's
> whistle rang out the traditional welcome.
Tom: "Hi, Honey, I'm home!"
> When the whistle ended its song,
> a red clad Lieutenant Commander in the front row's voice rang out,
> "Attention, Captain on deck."
Tom: "Canseco at bat, the count is 2 and 2."
> Marrissa nervously approached the podium. Accessing the platform
> she stood before the microphones and read from a PADD.
Crow [Marrissa]: "Next week on Space Cases, Bova and Harlan... the heck?"
> "Per Starfleet
> Orders, Fleet Admiral Jean-Luc Picard, Stardate 60575, Captain Marrissa
> Amber Picard, you are hereby requested
Mike: I'm surprised she even waited to be asked.
> and required to accept transfer
> and the command of the USS Enterprise NCC-1701-F."
> "I hereby accept those orders and command of the Nova Class
> Starship Enterprise," Marrissa stated.
> "The USS Enterprise is now under the command of Captain Marrissa
> Amber Picard," the Computer announced.
Tom: Ooohh... Does she get a commemorative toaster?
> "As is tradition, I have a few words about taking command of the
> Enterprise," Marrissa began.
Crow: A daily tradition Marrissa began herself, about twleve years ago.
> "When I was twelve I met the second Captain of
> the Enterprise-B, Demora
Tom: Then Demora's the Captain?
Crow: No, Demora's the pitcher.
Tom: Then who is the Captain?
Crow: Who's on first.
Tom: I don't know.
Crow & Tom: THIRD BASE!
> Sulu. Being the curious young girl I was, I asked
> her, what does it take to be Captain, in particular that of the Enterprise.
> Her response was a strong sense of honor, and the sense to follow in the
> traditions of Starfleet and in particular that of the Enterprise.
Mike [Marrissa]: "I adopted the qualties of ruthlessness, naked ambition, and
disregard for everything holy instead."
> That wasn't the only advice about command I've received about commanding
> starships. I'm still receiving such advice after five years in command,
> more than a dozen battles, five treaties, and a pregnancy.
Tom: Is she talking about her Starfleet record or her marriage?
> Some of the
> advice was useful.
> "Expect the unexpected. Space is a strange and mysterious place.
> New things are just around the corner, even in explored space.
Tom: It's "Marrissa's Little Instruction Book."
Crow: I think you mean her little *destruction* book.
> "Not everything is logical.
Mike: For instance, "The Marrissa Storys." [sic]
Tom: Geseundhiet.
> Some times you have go on a hunch
> and put yourself at risk. Regulations cannot be made to cover everything.
> "Trust the man on the scene.
Mike: Marrissa's been reading Hayek's "The Fatal Conceit."
> More missions have gone wrong
> because of people following outdated information and over-trusting
> their Starfleet briefing. Command does not know the latest information
> two days ahead of time.
Tom: You know, this is kind of like one of the speeches in an Ayn Rand book.
> "Those are just some of the advice I've received, the more
> quotable ones. Of course I intend to follow the tradition of the
> Enterprise, and be my own Captain.
Crow: Yeah, but even Howard Roark didn't think as highly of himself.
Mike: Well, even Rand didn't write her heroes as perfect as Ratliff.
> "No Captain of the Enterprise has ever been like his
> predecessors, but they shared several traits. One, they were not
> pushovers. Whether it was Kirk against the Klingons; Harriman, Sulu,
> or Garrett against the Romulans; or Riker against the Borg; they did
> not back down, stand aside and let the enemy pass. They fought. They
> pulled tricks from their sleeves, or made new innovations. They did
> everything in their power to avoid defeat, and so will I.
Mike: And I don't think the speeches seemed quite this long, either.
> "Second they trusted their crews, and with the exception of
> Captain Kirk's red shirted ensigns, their crews trusted their Captains."
> Laughter ran around the bay. When it died down, Marrissa continued,
All: Ha!
> "Finally a Captain of the Enterprise is ready to go out and seek new life,
> new civilizations, ... to boldly go where no one has gone before ... I'm
> ready are you?"
All: NO!
Tom: This is a sad day in history...
>
> Marrissa stepped back down from the lectern. Her father, Fleet
> Admiral Jean-Luc Picard stepped up and replaced her.
Mike: Oh. The galaxy may survive after all.
> "Even though most
> of Captain Picard's crew came with her from the Endeavor," he began.
> "I'd like to introduce them all today.
Tom: Oh! Of course.
> When I call your name, please come
> and join Marrissa behind the podium."
Crow [Picard]: "Stay behind Marrissa. Steal her spotlight, and you may die!"
> "Jay Gordon, Commander, First Officer, graduated from Starfleet
> Academy with a 4.0.
Tom: Mike, what was your GPA?
> Clarrissa Sutter-Rozhenko, Lieutenant Commander,
> Chief Engineer and Second Officer, author of many papers on warp theory.
Mike: That doesn't really matter.
> Alexander Rozhenko, Lieutenant Commander, Chief of Operations, noted
> for his 120 efficiency rating.
Tom: What's the matter, Nelson? Not the brightest bulb?
> Doctor Jackson Johnson, Lieutenant
> Commander,
Mike: I'm not from Ratliffland. They didn't anounce my GPA when I was
transfered.
> Chief Medical Officer, number three in the same class as
> the famous Doctor Bashir.
Crow: Obligatory tainting of Deep Space Nine?
Tom: Check.
> Katherine Lochard, Lieutenant Commander,
> Fighter Commander. Martin Sussex, Lieutenant, Ship's Counselor, this
> years Federation's most eligible bachelor according to Pulse Magazine.
> Shayna Sachs, Lieutenant, Chief of Security."
> "Captain Picard, your crew awaits your orders," the Fleet
> Admiral concluded.
Mike: With that, Fleet Admiral Jean-Luc Exposition sat down.
> "Thank you Admiral," Marrissa replied.
Crow [Marrissa]: "I don't think the importance can be stressed enough!"
> "Let's get under way.
> Alpha shift report to stations immediately. Dismissed."
>
> The new Command Crew of the Enterprise entered the bridge. It
> was a large bridge. At the front there were three stations, CONN, and
Tom: ... an androgynous ensign in a powder-blue uniform.
> to the right and left, Operations and Science. The traditional
> three center seats were present
Tom: .. *and* accounted for ...
> in the new navy blue Starfleet color
> scheme. Behind them, the rail housed the Tactical station. In the rear,
> Fighter Command and Engineering with some windows looking into an
> lounge
Crow: I wonder if it's a jazz lounge?
Mike: Given Starfleet technology's preoccupation with the 20th century, I
wouldn't be surprised to hear a little Miles Davis or Satchmo any
minute now...
> over a couple stations in between.
> Two turbolifts were located by the main viewscreen with an
> office door on each side of the Bridge. Two-thirds of the way back two
> more doors were seen.
Crow [Marrissa]: "I pick Door Number Two!"
Tom [Monty Hall]: "Sorry, Ms. Flores-Picard, the starship was behind Door
Number One. You win a lifetime supply of strawberry
juice."
Crow [Marrissa]: I knew what was behind that door, mortal! Now give me my
strawberry juice!"
> Marrissa had finished surveying her new bridge and wasn't
> pleased.
Tom: There's a surprise.
> "This is an Admiral's Bridge," she exclaimed. "I'm going to
> have a long talk with Dad."
> "What, Marrissa, you weren't aware of naval tradition,"
> Commander Katherine Lochard said.
Crow [Marrissa]: Are you questioning my omniscience?! You will pay!
> "What naval tradition?" Marrissa asked, sitting herself down
> in the center seat.
> "This is a Fighter Carrier," Katherine began. "Carriers are
> traditionally commanded by Admirals."
>
Tom: *Wince*
Crow: In the name of all that is good, why?
Mike: C'mon guys, let's get out of here.
[Commercials]
Jamie Plummer jcp9j@virginia.edu http://faraday.clas.virginia.edu/~jcp9j
"It's merely symptomatic of our postmodern ennui. There are no
absolutes unless you perceive our world as meaningless when it's
really your own freedom you detest. I like pork." -- Brak
From: jcp9j@virginia.edu (Jamie Plummer)
Date: Fri, 24 Jan 1997 00:53:33 GMT
Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc,alt.tv.mst3k,alt.startrek.creative
Subject: MSTed: "A New Generation" [6/10] (Ratliff)
Mike: Hey guys, what do you have there?
Crow: I @created the Kid's Crew playset!
Tom: Crow, you didn't @create anything! Mike, some of the wires here in this
Radford Internet satellite got crossed, and some thread called "LEAST
requested toys" unraveled in here.
Mike: Tom, what are you babbling about?
Tom: Just play along, Nelson.
Mike: Okay, then. I *was* wondering what that Tickle Me Torgo was doing here.
Crow, who do you have there?
Crow: This is the Jay Gordon figure. Look how anatomically correct he is.
He's had his manhood removed and everything!
Mike: Ouch. Tom, how about you?
Tom: Oh, I've got the first series Jackie Picard. Not only does she wet
herself, she commands a fighter squadron!
Crow: C'mon Mike, JOIN US!
Mike: I'd love to, but it looks like we have fanfic sign.
[6-5-4-3-2-1]
> Chapter Five
Mike: Okay guys, I guess we're about halfway through now...
>
> Marrissa surveyed her bridge from the command chair, the bridge
> of the Enterprise.
Crow: It's *good* to be da Marrissa!
> True it wasn't the first Enterprise she had served
> on, or even the second, but she was finally in command of the Enterprise.
> Not just for a shift, or by some misfortune of the regular CO, no, this
> Enterprise was hers.
Mike: I wonder what "misfortune of the regular CO" will put the New Generation
in command of the Enterprise.
> She remembered the first time she had been in command of the
> Enterprise. At a few days short of turning twelve,
Tom [Nigel]: "This one goes up to 12."
> her feet wouldn't
> even touch the floor when she sat all the way back in the command chair.
> Marrissa remembered how she had felt,
Crow [Judy]: "She gets... you know. Squishy."
> not knowing if she could command.
> Worrying about going into battle.
Mike: Trying to decide which Corey was cuter.
> Well she had survived that first battle and several others since.
> She was still nervous about going into battle, but she knew that if she
> wasn't it would be time to retire. At 24, Marrissa
Mike: ... was well past the official retirement age of Ratliffleet.
> had no intention of
> retiring. Her nervousness had translated into heightened preparedness.
Crow: The Vulgate, this ain't.
> When Marrissa got nervous, she made battle plans,
Tom: Oh, that's healthy.
Crow: Hey, 'rissa, why don't you take up knitting or something?
> anticipating her
> opponent's move and countering it. She planned alternatives, and
> figured out ways to defeat them.
> Marrissa remembered the night before her wedding. She had been
> so nervous she stayed up past 0240 hours making battle plans.
Tom [Marrissa]: "If Jay goes for the back door, I can pin him down with my
thighs..."
> She never
> dreamed that she'd need them the next day.
> Fate
Crow: ... and the Trilateral Commission ...
> seemed to conspire to send her into battle. Here she was
> on the USS Enterprise, her mission to seek out new life, new
> civilizations ... to boldly
Mike: ... press the reset button.
> go where no one had gone before. Marrissa
> looked forward to that mission, but that was in the future. The
> Federation was going to war.
Crow: ... which she looked forward to much more.
>
> Lieutenant Shayna Sachs pulled Marrissa out of her daydream
> announcing, "Captain, general orders coming in ... War declared
Crow [Marrissa]: "Yes!"
> against the Romulan Star Empire. Open sealed orders Romulan Dusk.
> Fleetwide yellow alert.
Crow: The pantyshields have failed! Repeat! The pantyshields have failed!
> From Fleet Admiral Jean-Luc Picard, per
> orders UFP Congress."
> "Computer open said orders, authorization Picard Omega One
> Six Two Four," Marrissa ordered, "Audio play."
Tom: Oh boy, I just love that Norman Corwin.
> "Orders, operation Romulan Dusk, phase one,
Mike: ... set Romulan sun.
> Starship
> Enterprise, Marrissa Picard commanding. You are to rescue Admiral
> Riker and destroy
Crow: ... his libido.
> Romulan Starbase Four and any other resistance you
> meet. You will meet the USS Endeavor under Captain C Crusher
Tom: *groan*
Crow: Hey... it could be worse. He could have given Amy Carter a spaceship!
> and the
> USS Pasteur under Captain B Picard
Mike: ... and the USS Salk under Captain Z Kirk ...
> upon achieving your objectives."
> Marrissa moved up in front of the view screen, beginning,
> "Well ladies and gentlemen, it's time to show the Romulans what we
> can do,
Tom [Marrissa]: And we can dance! Hit it, girls!
> and the rest of Star Fleet too. I've been working on getting
> the best crew I could for the last dozen years.
Crow: But you'll have to do, I guess.
> I believe I have
> that crew. Now it's time to prove it.
> "You know our objectives, we need to sneak in. You have the
> maps, do you have any suggestions?
Tom [Minnewegian]: Fold it this way.
Crow [Minnewegian]: No, dear. Fold it over like so.
Tom [Minnewegian]: Oh, honey, I really think that corner goes --
Crow [Minnewegian]: Oh, no, no, no.
> "No nebulas, no asteroids, one gas giant which the Starbase
> orbits," Jay recited.
Mike: Is that William Blake?
> "Not many places to hide."
> "What about the planet?" Clara asked.
> "That might do," Kathy replied. "Leave a division of fighters
> in the remains of the Enterprise-E's destruction, which is in polar
> orbit."
Crow: That explains the multiphasic space penguins.
> "And lead the guard into them," Alexander responded. "I like
> it. It has a Klingon touch to it."
Tom [Alexander]: And then, we drink their blood, right?
> "And afterwards we can drain the starbase's shields and
Mike: ... change the oil.
> beam
> the old crew off it," Shayna commented. "Assuming Riker hasn't taken
> it for us."
> "Sounds good, but better ready a team to release them,"
Crow: "Smithers. Release the hounds!"
> Marrissa responded. "Not that I distrust Riker's abilities, but
> I'll not be caught flat-footed."
Tom [Marrissa]: I can outrun him now.
> "Don't worry Marrissa, Shayna had the away team assignments
> to me thirty minutes ago," Jay replied. "Kathy's been running
> entering and exiting drills all day on the holodeck"
Crow: Oh, I heard about that. Ensign R. Jeremy was the last drill.
> "In that case Jay, I'll get off my aching feet and let you
> get us under
Crow [Marrissa]: ... me! no, under way, of course, I meant ...
> way," Marrissa replied, returning to the command chair.
> "CONN plot a course eighty-nine mark four, warp twelve,"
> Jay ordered. "Go to RED ALERT, All hands to battle stations, Kathy
> ready fighters."
Mike: It's always a good idea to make your fighters Kathy-ready. You never
know what she'll pull.
> "First Enterprise Division ready for launch," Kathy replied.
> "Security teams reporting to transporter rooms," Shayna informed.
Tom: Transporter rooms... Secure!
> "Captain, she's all yours," Jay completed. "Thank you Jay,"
> Marrissa responded. "Mister Maharaj, engage."
Tom [Yogi Bear]: Soi-ten-lee, Mrs. Captain Ranger lady!
> She gestured in the
> fashion of her father
Mike: Her uniform rides up on her too, huh?
> and the Enterprise shot off to war.
[Commercials]
[Continued in Part 7]
Jamie Plummer jcp9j@virginia.edu http://faraday.clas.virginia.edu/~jcp9j
"It's merely symptomatic of our postmodern ennui. There are no
absolutes unless you perceive our world as meaningless when it's
really your own freedom you detest. I like pork." -- Brak
From: jcp9j@virginia.edu (Jamie Plummer)
Date: Fri, 24 Jan 1997 00:55:14 GMT
Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc,alt.tv.mst3k,alt.startrek.creative
Subject: MSTed: "A New Generation" [7/10] (Ratliff)
> Chapter Six
>
> Admiral Soovik stood at his desk,
Crow [Andy Merrill]: Hi everybody, I'm Soovik!
> disrupter trained on his
> Federation counterpart, Rear Admiral William T. Riker. His guards had
> just removed the lifeless body of Lieutenant Commander Ross Lochard.
> "So Riker, what will it be, defense plans or shall I bring a child
> in next?"
> Riker paled at the suggestion,
Mike [Riker]: "Oh no, not Marrissa! I don't want to see her!"
> but to his credit, replied, "I
> know of no defense plans."
> "Command Center to Admiral Soovik."
> The Admiral pressed the communications button on his desk with his
> disrupter hand,
Crow: And now it's time for Soovik's Monday Ratings Report.
> "Soovik here."
> "The Federation has declared war," the Command Center Staff
> member began. This caused Admiral Soovik to take his eyes off Riker.
> It was the break Riker had been waiting for.
Mike [Riker]: Yes! I can rejuvenate a depressed economy!
Tom: Read an econ text, Nelstone.
> "A Nova Class Starship
> has left Neutral Zone Patrol, destination
Crow: ... Venus.
Tom: More than darkness lies between us...
Crow: Twenty million miles of bleakness! ...
Tom: Human weakness!
Mike: What now?
> unknown." Soovik didn't
> hear the last part of the sentence. Riker had drawn a mini-phaser
Tom: I hear he does a good Terry the Turtle, too.
> from his boot and stunned him.
Crow: Hey! Soovik shouldn't be animated to explode!
>
> The Enterprise-F arrived behind the planet which Romulan
> Starbase Four orbited. The Enterprise's passive sensors detected a
> powerful polar magnetic field and a large amount of debris over the
> north pole of the orange and gold planet.
Mike: Hey, they've reached Tatooine!
> Marrissa, still seated in the command chair, asked her
> fighter commander, "Do you think you can fit a whole division of
> fighters in that?""
Crow: "Well, Captain, that *is* a big chair..."
> "With that magnetic field and debris, certainly,
Mike [Orson Welles]: "..., Pinky, we can TAKE OVER THE WORLD!"
> " Katherine
> Lochard replied.
> "Then launch fighters," Marrissa ordered. "Tactical,
> maintain passive scanning until Kathy tells you that
Tom: ... that dinner is ready, or when the street lights come on. I don't
need you getting kidnapped.
> her fighters
> are in place. Conn, plot a course around the planet and past the
> Starbase into the north pole, engage on my mark, three quarters
> impulse."
> "All fighters away, full concealment in thirty seconds,"
> Kathy announced.
Tom: Olly-olly-oxen-FREEE!
>
> Marrissa found the waiting part of battles the hardest.
Mike: She found the killing the easiest.
> Your pulse was up and your nerves were on the edge.
Tom: No it wasn't!
> The slightest
> out of place noise could cause you to jump.
Crow: "If you want to jump, turn to page 38. If you want to stay seated, turn
to page 53."
> Marrissa had learnt a
> lot since her first battle, but waiting was one thing that hadn't
> gotten easier in the past dozen years.
>
Mike: But the killing? Piece of cake!
> "First Enterprise Division concealed.," Commander Kathy
> Lochard announced.
> "Mister Maharaj, engage,"
Tom [Yogi]: Here's your love-a-ly ring, Cindy!
> Marrissa ordered. "Tactical,
> active scan, full shields.
Crow: "I'm telling you, this kid, and my bladder..."
> Engineering, secondary warp power
> to phasers."
> A chorus of Ayes answered the young Captain
Crow [Marrissa]: Are you an Aye, Ensign?
Tom: Yes, Captain.
Crow: Commander, are *you* an Aye?
Mike: Yes, Captain.
Crow: I can't believe it! I'm surrounded by Ayes!
> as the mile
> long Enterprise surged forward.
Mike: "Sorry, Captain Picard, the gears were stuck!"
> As the orange planet and its
> golden clouds and storms rolled by below them, a limp looking
> Warbird appeared on the horizon.
Crow: That Warbird is such a fop!
> "Target that ship and open fire when in range," Captain
> Picard ordered. The three upper forward phaser arrays; port,
> starboard, and fore, opened fire.
Tom [Minnewegian]: Oh, I just love a fire on an open range, don't you, hon?
Crow [Minnewegian]: Oh, my yes, why just the other day, Sven said, he said,
Martha, why don't we have a cookout?
Tom: Oh, dear, but that sounds fun, donchaknow?
> The red beams lanced out at the listing Warbird hitting
> it squarely in the middle. It exploded in a ball of blue-green
> plasma, a stark contrast to the orange and gold planet below.
Mike: You know, this isn't even as exciting as watching my cousin play "Joust"
on his Commodore 64.
> The explosion drew two other Warbirds like a moth to a
> flame.
Crow: Fortunately for Marrissa, Romulan starship captains are as dumb as
moths.
> As Alex announced their arrival, Marrissa was already
> plotting her response.
>
> "Clara,
Tom [Marrissa]: ... tell Jay to tell Bobby to tell Soovik that I'm still, like
really mad at him.
> divert secondary warp power to shields. Let's see
> if La Forge was lying about that warping fire."
> The Warbirds
Tom: Mike, did you see their cameo in "Blow Up"?
> opened fire on the Enterprise. However the
> shields appeared to absorb the fire,
Mike: The Yardbirds are like a storm raging inside you.
> warping it into the
> multi-phasic mesh
Crow: Oh, he means L'Eggs.
> that was the Enterprise's pertection.
Mike: Profect!
> The Enterprise's response was less than the shot that had
> destroyed the obviously damaged and unshielded warbird early.
Tom: Huh? When did Ratliff start writimg about avian hangovers?
> The Warbirds still flinched at the phaser fire, stalling their
> progress.
Crow: o/~ "Now, is the time, this is the right time, this is the best time,
of your DEATH!" o/~
Mike: Oooh... Quinn Martin in Tomorrowland.
> Meanwhile the Romulan Starbase came up on the horizon,
> a nest filled with eggs.
Tom: So does this answer the immortal question, "What color is the sky in
Ratliff's world?"
Crow: The answer appears to be "yolk."
> The Enterprise moved toward it, the
> Warbirds nipping at its heels.
Mike: Oh, he just smells the Fedration's dog on her.
> Like the animal trainer's whip, the
Tom: ROSS... IN... SPAAAAACE!
> Enterprise's phasers returned fire, causing the Warbirds to
> distance themselves.
> Up on the Starbase they came, the Enterprise executing a
> tight firing run before turning toward the north pole.
Crow: Up my lunch came, executing a tight run through my duodenum before
shooting up the esophagus.
Mike: Crow, you don't *have* a duodenum.
Crow: Do too!
> The Starbase
> didn't return fire. Marrissa noted this strangeness, wondering why.
Tom [Marrissa]: "Hmmm... now why did I note this strangeness?"
>
> Commander Worf smiled at his captors, sitting down with
> one foot on his knee, seemingly absentmindingly rubbing the heel of
> his boot.
Crow: "Nothing, nothing!"
> This unnerved his captors. "I never heard of a Klingon
> willingly surrendering before," the first guard said.
> "Neither have I," the second guard replied. At that the
> forcefield dropped. Worf pulled something from the heel of his boot.
Tom [Don Adams]: Chief, you won't *believe* the cell I'm in.
> Moments later the guards lay stunned in Worf's old cell, and he had
> two Romulan disrupters in addition to his own mini-phaser from
> the heel of his boot.
Mike: Donna Milee' would kill for such a shopping spree!
>
> By the time Riker reached Romulan detention area 15,
Crow: Majestic-21 was there.
> the Romulans and the Star Fleet personnel had switched roles. A
> grinning Klingon met him at the door.
Mike: Toblerone!
Tom: Toblerone doesn't look like a Kilngon!
Mike: Uhh, from TOS.
> "Commander Worf, I assume you have good news," Admiral
> Riker inquired.
Crow [Worf]: Why yes, I do have Good News. Please, take a Watchtower,
William.
> "Yes, sir," Worf replied. "We have released all Enterprise
> personnel save Commander Lochard, who we couldn't find."
> "He's dead,"
Tom: Jim.
> Riker said shortly.
> "The kid's crew managed to get in to the base's command
> and control system,
Mike: I think this what Hayek warned us about...
> while engaging their minder in a game," Worf
> continued.
Tom: I think this story has its minder up its hinder.
> "They disabled the base's disrupters and listened in
> on communications."
> "Any news?"
Mike: Tommy Lee and Pamela have reconciled again.
> "A Starship is in the system, it's busy ridding the
> system of Warbirds."
Crow [Minnewegian]: Oh, good for them. They wreak havoc on my tulips,
donchaknow?
> "ID?"
> "Partial ...
Crow: .. on a right thumb.
> 1-F"
Tom: Damn flatfeet draft dodgers are a bunch of comminists!
> "Nova Class?"
Mike: Frontline, actually.
> "Yes."
> "It seems Admiral Picard has already replaced the
> Enterprise," Riker commented. "Let's give Captain Marrissa
> Picard a hand.
Mike: "It's a good thing you done that, Marrissa, a very good thing."
> Which way is the control center?"
>
[Commercials]
> Chapter Seven
>
> When the Enterprise-F had reached the region above the planet's
> north pole, she had stopped.
Crow: *Not* going there!
> The Romulans had eagerly moved
Mike: Damn Vulcans lowering the property values again.
> to bracket
> her,
Tom: Looks like the Romulans went throughh the Packwood Mentoring Program.
> inside the remains of the Enterprise-E and her victims. They never
> even thought to look for the presence of fighter craft.
Crow: Were their *prescence* in their stockings?
<Beat>
Crow: Hah!
> This was one of those ideal conditions for the use of fighters.
> In a debris cloud, above the magnetic pole of a planet, it played to
> all their strengths. Scanning above (or below) the magnetic pole of a
> planet was never easy,
Tom: Oh, i can see how that plays to their str -- huh?
> but this planet made others look like a cakewalk.
Crow: That planet is one bad...
Mike: Shut your mouth!
Crow: Just talkin' bout... um, what am I talking about? What's going on?!
[sobbing] Make it stop, please, make it stop!!
> The Romulan targeting system was off line and even the advanced system
> on the new Enterprise was taxed.
Tom: If this were an L. Neil Smith story, the advanced system would find
something to do about that...
> It was a point and shoot situation.
Crow: Yeah, but if Neil wrote this, he'd spend the next three chapters telling
us exactly how to "point and shoot." Count your blessings.
> Fighters had always been better at this, and in a debris cloud,
> maneuverability was at a premium.
Mike: How many green stamps does maneuverability go for?
> Almost two hundred and fifty fighters swarmed around the two
> warbirds, pounding them, sending shudders down their spines.
Tom: Oh, they're organic ships...
Crow: Maybe they're partly based on Vorlon technology.
> Shields
> failing,
Mike: Oh, Ratliff must have seen "Brenda Starr."
> the Warbirds lashed out with their disrupters. A half-a-dozen
Tom: ... of the other.
> fighters perished, but this was their last act as the Enterprise
> pulled off a shot on each Warbirds' shielded hulls.
Crow: PULL!
> The fighters had pulled away when the Warbirds finally lost
> cohesiveness, exploding in balls of fire.
Tom: Diarrhea is like a storm raging inside you.
> Their remains
Mike: ... will be lying in state at Grace Bros. Funeral Home Friday afternoon.
> joined those
> of the Enterprise-E and it's victims in polar orbit.
Mike: I don't know, they seem to be taking this whole "What would you do for a
Klondike Bar?" thing a bit too far.
> Meanwhile the
> Enterprise-F stood alone,
Crow: Ah, the cheese stands alone.
> collecting its fighters.
>
> On the Starbase, Rear Admiral William T. Riker entered the
> captured Command Center. Burnt patches adorned the walls, and a thin
> haze of smoke was present at the ceiling.
Tom: Oh, Rod Serling was here.
> "Mister Worf, can you
> figure out how to contact the Enterprise?"
Crow [Worf]: c/o Paramount Studios, Hollywood, CA
> "Aye sir," Worf replied, taking to the controls. After a moment
> he announced,
Crow [Worf]: "I've downloaded the new Street Fighter."
> "I have Captain Picard."
Mike: ... in a can.
Tom: Then you better let him out!
Mike: Ah. The "Prince Albert" routine, everyone, the "Prince Albert" routine.
> "On Screen," Riker replied. Captain Marrissa Picard's young
> face appeared on the viewscreen.
Crow: Wocka-
Mike and Tom: DON'T.
> "Admiral Riker, I see you have everything under control on
> your end," Captain Picard commented.
> "Yes Captain," Riker replied. "I assume you've come to pick
> us up."
Mike: Riker fancies himself quite the ladykiller!
> "Yes sir," Marrissa responded. "Are you ready to beam aboard?"
> "Yes, a thousand twenty-three to beam up," Riker answered.
> "A tall order, but I'll see what I can do," Marrissa said
> swiftly.
Tom [Marrissa]: "Would you like fries with that?"
> "I'll be in range in twenty seconds, Enterprise out."
>
> On the bridge of the new Enterprise, Alexander was monitoring
> the transport proceedings. According to specifications it was going
> to take a little over five minutes to recover the crew of the
> Enterprise-E.
Crow: They really need to upgrade to a 33.6.
> At Tactical, Lieutenant Shayna Sachs wasn't sure that
> they were going to have half that time.
Mike [flat]: Oh, the suspense.
> "Captain, three Warbirds entering the system, uncloaked,"
> Lieutenant Sachs announced. "At 86 mark 4,
Tom [Don Adams]: Would you believe mark 2?
> distance 3 A.U.s."
Tom: Would you believe *five* A.U.s?
> "Alex, time to full recovery?" Captain Marrissa Picard
> asked.
Tom: How about two cops in a rowboat?
> "Four more minutes, Marrissa," Alexander replied.
> "Three more, 266 mark -4, distance 2.8 A.U.s," Shayna Sachs
> informed.
> "Adding cargo transporters," Alexander responded,
Mike: "Click the manufacturer and model of your cargo transporter. If your
cargo transporter came with an installation dusk, click Have Disk."
> anticipating his Captain's call for him to speed up.
> "Three more, 184 mark 0, distance 2.1 A.U.s," Sachs announced
> urgently.
> "Just one more minute," Alex asked for.
Mike: "The school bus will be here in 'just one more minute,' young man! GET
OUT OF BED!"
> "Three more, 356 mark 0, distance 3.4 A.U.s," Lieutenant
> Sachs informed more urgently.
> "All personnel aboard," Alexander responded.
> "Tactical, raise shields," Captain Picard ordered. "Clara,
Crow: Clara Peller, raise panty shields.
> secondary warp power to deflector dish. Alexander, hail the Romulans."
Tom: Remus is dead! Long live Romulus!
> "Romulans refuse to respond," Alexander said as the Romulans
> closed rapidly on the Enterprise.
> "Open a general channel," Marrissa ordered.
Mike: "All I can find is the MacArthur Network!"
> "Channel open," Lieutenant Commander Alexander Rozhenko announced.
> "To all Romulan vessels, this is Captain Marrissa A. Picard of the
> Federation Starship Enterprise," she began.
Crow [Marrissa]: "I demand the pestle in your vessel!"
> "We are about to depart this
> system for home with our recovered crew. I suggest you leave well enough
> alone and don't get in our way.
Tom: ... the recovered crew hasn't been Scotch-Guarded yet!
> Enterprise out."
> By now the Enterprise was surrounded on four sides by the
> Warbirds. The forward ones competing with the Starbase for room.
> "Conn plot us a course out of here..." Marrissa began. "Up or
> down," Ensign Maharaj asked.
Crow: I didn't know Starfleet Academy had humanities majors...
> "Neither," Captain Picard replied. "Through the center of
> the Starbase."
> The ensign turned around to look at his Captain. "Don't
> worry Ensign,
Tom: It's a creamy, chocolatey center!
> it won't be there when you get to it. Clara, begin
> firing deflector dish on my mark,
Tom [Clara]: "Sure! Your beauty mark, or your birthmark?"
> and Ensign, better make sure that
> course is a straight line until we pass the remains of the Starbase."
> "Aye sir, course laid in, heading reached," Ensign Maharaj
> said, shaking her head.
Crow: Whoa! Insert your own joke here, folks.
> "Clara, engage, Conn,
Tom [Alexander]: "Captain, Clara is already engaged. She's a married woman!"
Mike [Clara]: "To whom?"
> ahead one fifth impluse until we pass
> the Starbase, then full impluse
Crow: I just bet Alexander's hoping she doesn't egt one of those Manassas
"irresistible impulses."
> until we clear the system," Marrissa
> ordered.
>
> Out its deflector dish the Enterprise spewed a bright blue
> beam. The beam hit the center of the Starbase, boring down to it's
> core. The Enterprise moved closer and closer. Suddenly the Starbase
> exploded ...
Tom: So this is how DSS works?
> debris heading outward. Now the Enterprise dove into
> the mess, her deflector
Crow: Deflector? I don't even know her!
> beam clearing the way. Above the base, three
> Romulans were not so lucky, the debris tearing though their hulls.
Mike: Those are three *hurting* Romulans!
> Behind the Enterprise, three Warbirds attempted to follow her though
> the storm. However the shock waves of the Warbirds' destruction
> doomed them as well.
Tom: Damn Netscape plug-ins.
> Onward the Enterprise moved, exiting the
> explosion, heading out of the system.
Crow: I'm telling you, those Nova ships go right through me!
> Behind her six Warbirds pursued, out of range for the moment,
> and damaged from their fellow countrymen's debris.
Tom: When will people learn to *recycle*?
> Closer they came,
> closing on the Federation's Flagship.
Mike: Oh, they're playing Capture the Flag.
> Now the Enterprise warped out,
Tom: Now the author changed tenses.
> heading across the Romulan Neutral Zone, no longer quite so neutral.
Crow: (It's still receiving the hormone therapy).
Tom: On that note, let's get out of here.
[1-2-3-4-5-6]
[Crow and Tom are playing with their Kids' Crew action figures]
Mike: Hey guys, still playing with your action figures?
Tom: Sure are!
Mike: Um, why?
Tom: I don't know. They're fun!
Mike: So, Crow, what do you have there?
Crow: Oh, I sent away the proofs of purchase, and I got this bonus! It's the
Stephen Ratliff workstation!
Mike: Uh-huh.
Crow: See, here's his reference shelf: The Star Trek Omnipedia, The
Nitpicker's Guide to the Next Generation, The Novelization of
"Disaster" ...
Mike: What? He calls himself a writer? Where's his Roget's, his OED, his
Strunk and White??!
Crow: What in the name of Judge Luther Charbonnet would Ratliff do with those?
Read them?
Mike: Good point.
Tom: You know, this is why I can't help but feel sorry for these characters. I
mean, there they are, minding there own business, happily existing in
the script-by-committee world of the Mountain, and then all of the
sudden their very souls are twisted, and they're transported into some
warped facsimile of their own world by some drooling, semi-literate
fanboy!
Crow: Poor slobs. The thing is, it's not just pity I feel. There's empathy,
too.
Tom: Yeah, me too. Why do you suppose that is?
Mike: You've got me. I feel certain bond with them, too. Weird.
<Beat>
Tom: So. Who wants strawberry juice?
Crow: Oooh, me.
Mike: I'm in!
[Commercials]
> Chapter Eight
>
> Across the Neutral Zone, the Enterprise shot. Six Warbirds
> pursued, bloody yet unrelenting in their pursuit.
Mike: You know, the Romulans should really test their battleships for
hemophilia before they enter battle.
> Torpedoes had done
> nothing to slow their pursuit. The Enterprise moved at warp 8, warp 9 ...
> faster now. Still they followed ... warp 10, warp 11. The border drew
> closer ... warp 12, warp 13. Suddenly the Enterprise dropped out of
Tom: Be cool. Stay in school. Thank you.
> warp. Her pursuers shot over her as she drew up
Crow: I'm about to drow up, myself.
> beside the Endeavor
> and the Pasteur. Now in Federation space, the Romulans were the
> invaders.
Mike: You can tell because they have those weird pinkies.
>
> "Hail the Romulans, Alexander," Captain Marrissa Picard
> ordered her Operations Officer.
Crow: Hail King Romulus!
> "Admiral Jerick responding," Alexander replied.
> "On Screen,"
Tom: Hey! They're watching Sci-Fi Buzz!
> Marrissa replied. A young Romulan female
> appeared on the screen. "This is Captain Marrissa A. Picard of
> the Federation Starship Enterprise. I am giving you one chance
> to withdraw."
Mike: It will show up on your transcript, though.
> "Admiral Saavik Jerick of the Romulan Warbird Bloodfire. It's
> so nice to finally met my federation counterpart," the Romulan
> replied.
Tom: "Can I interest you in any of our fine Amway products?"
> "I've been hoping to met you for quite some time. I had
> hoped it would be under more pleasant circumstances. I'm sorry that
> I can't take up your offer Captain."
Mike: "I don't do time-shares."
> "I'm sorry to hear that Admiral," Captain Picard responded.
> "I guess it's time to find out which girl Captain its the best."
Crow: And which one has a better command of English.
> "Nothing like friendly competition to begin one's day," the
> Romulan Admiral concluded. "On guard, Captain." The channel closed.
Mike: In space, everyone's on the same calendar.
> "Alexander, rate the Warbirds as to strength," Marrissa
> ordered,
Tom: "Jay, you're in charge of the talent competition."
> returning to her chair. "Assign us numbers 1 and 2. Give
> the Endeavor 3 and 4 and the Pasteur 5 and 6.
Tom: "You won't be served without a number."
> Conn set a course to
> take us down the line.
Crow: Promenade!
> Shayna, fire when ready. Engage full impluse."
>
> The Enterprise arched
Mike: It's a new defense mechanism based on feline organics.
> around to the left edge of the line of
> Romulan Warbirds and began its run. As it ran past one, two, three
> Warbirds the fourth turned to parallel it.
Crow: Women just *can't* parallel park.
> As the Enterprise reached
> it, it began an artful dodge of the Enterprise's phasers and photons,
Mike: The crew has a lot of experience from playing dodge ball in gym class.
> even tractoring one to arch back towards the Enterprise. The
> Enterprise neatly side stepped it and fired on the fifth bird. It
> exploded,
Tom: Hey -- they fed the birds some Alka-Seltzer!
> but now the fourth was on the Enterprise's tail.
>
> "Evasive pattern Mozart Forty," Captain Picard ordered. This
> was not
Crow: Doesn't he mean "Nacht"? Ha!
> going to be easy.
> "I think we've found Jerick's ship," Jay commented.
Mike: "He's been bumped off CNBC by reruns of Conan."
> "Agreed," Marrissa stated. "Let's see if we can give her a
> few surprises. Clara,
Tom: "... turn out the lights and hide behind the curtains."
> give me a little more power
Crow: Another recurring motif for Marrissa...
> to maneuvering
> thrusters, then divert secondary warp power to the deflector."
Tom: "And see if you can't hustle me up some coffee."
> "Ready on your mark," Lieutenant Commander Sutter-Rozhenko
> replied.
> "Conn, rotate fore to aft,
Tom: "... execute rectal-cranial inversion maneuver."
Crow: For more information on Star Trek and rectal-cranial inversion, visit a
Bryan Lambert near you.
> " Marrissa replied. "Lets see how
> the Enterprise moves backwards."
Mike: Kinda like a crab, actually.
>
> The Enterprise turned, her back replacing her front. She
> still moved forward however.
Tom: Um, okay...
> The Romulan at first moved to turn, but
> corrected herself returning to true center behind the Enterprise.
> Then the Enterprise's deflector beam began shooting out at her
> opponent, who neatly dodged.
Mike: Uhhh....
Crow: Don't explode now, Tom.
>
> "Cease firing," Captain Picard ordered. "Maximum power to
> forward shields. Conn, ram her."
>
Crow: Ram her?! I don't even know her!
> Suddenly the Enterprise switched directions and surged
> toward the Bloodfire. The Bloodfire dived down and evaded the
> Enterprise's ram, but received a heavy dose of
Tom: ... goofy juice. This is the dumbest fight sequence I've seen since...,
well, the last Ratliff one.
> the Enterprise's
> phaser fire. Away from each other they went,
Mike: It's a trial separation.
> momentarily giving
> up their game for more easy targets.
Tom: They're firing at Dan Quayle?
> For the Bloodfire it was a
> firing pass on the Endeavor, Marrissa's former ship.
Crow: Even though they didn't get Marrissa, they gave it their best *try*.
[Tom groans.]
> For the
> Enterprise it was two quick and destructive volleys on two Warbirds.
Tom: Ouch. Federation, 30-Love.
> With the Endeavor and Pasteur having cleared a Warbird each, this
> left just the Bloodfire.
> The odds reversed, the Bloodfire did the sensible thing
Mike: ... and went to the blackjack table.
> and turned and cloaked. Her message was clear to the crew of the
> Enterprise, you won today but I will return, for he who flees,
Crow: Is chicken. Ba-cawk-kawk!
> lives to fight again.
>
> "Stand down to yellow alert," Captain Picard ordered,
> getting up. "Inform Starfleet of the results of our battle. Alex,
> you have the bridge. Jay, call in Beta shift early.
Tom: That beta software is always being recalled.
> Clara, I want
> the Enterprise ship shape in Bristol fashion by tomorrow morning."
Mike: "But, sir, to reach Connecticut by tomorrow, we'd need to go warp 19."
> "Aye sir," came the chorus from Lieutenant Commander
> Alexander Rozhenko, Commander Jay Gordon, and Lieutenant Commander
> Clara Sutter-Rozhenko.
Crow: At least "Sister Act" had better space battles.
> "I'll be in the Ready Room," Marrissa commented, heading
> toward the door.
>
[Commercials]
[Concluded in part 10]
Jamie Plummer jcp9j@virginia.edu http://faraday.clas.virginia.edu/~jcp9j
"It's merely symptomatic of our postmodern ennui. There are no
absolutes unless you perceive our world as meaningless when it's
really your own freedom you detest. I like pork." -- Brak
From: jcp9j@virginia.edu (Jamie Plummer)
Date: Fri, 24 Jan 1997 00:59:07 GMT
Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc,alt.tv.mst3k,alt.startrek.creative
Subject: MSTed: "A New Generation" [10/10] (Ratliff)
> Chapter Nine
>
> Captain Marrissa Picard was sitting in her ready room
> when the call came in.
Mike: ... to Party Central: "Meeting of the green and simple,"
Crow: Try to tell us something we don't know, Mike.
> She had been taking a snack of strawberry
> shortcake with whipped cream on top. Doctor Johnson had had the
> hardest time getting her to eat properly at the beginning of her
> pregnancy. Marrissa was used
Tom: ... by Dr. Cecil Johnson for as mother #65 for his "experiments."
> to a breakfast of toast and strawberry
> juice, and an occasional glass of the same though out the day.
Crow: A glass of toast?
> It
> was only by introducing her to various strawberry desserts that
> the Doctor had been able to get her to eat enough. It remained to see if
> Marrissa would be able to return to her earlier figure after the baby was
> born.
Tom: Of course she will. She's been faking the whole pregnancy ever since she
had the miscarriage back in Paris after Stephano had kidnapped
Marlena.
Mike: I think that's Kristen Blake, Tom.
Tom: Whatever. Remember back when everyone thought Jay Gordon was Roman
Brady?
> "Bridge to Captain Picard," Alexander's voice hailed.
> "Picard here," Marrissa
Crow: ... sleeted.
> replied.
> "Incoming communication from the Commanding Admiral, Star
> Fleet;" Lieutenant Commander Rozhenko responded.
> "Patch it in here,"
Tom: Patch has returned to Salem. Can Kayla be far behind?
Mike: Enough, Tom.
> Marrissa answered, turning the desk view
> screen toward her. Her father appeared on it. "Admiral Dad."
Crow: I heard you were traveling the American countryside with your family in
your trailer, righting wrongs. How's that going?
Tom: Even *we*'re beating Roseanne.
> His face went into a momentary grimace
Mike: ... and his chest went into a momentary Mayor McCheese.
> before Jean-Luc
> Picard replied, "Marrissa, I must compliment you on your victory.
Crow: That's a good thing you done, Marrissa. I'm glad you sang "Fish Heads,"
Marrissa.
> The Admiralty is most impressed."
Mike: Didn't they stop that after the War of 1812 or something?
> He referred to the rest of Star
> Fleet Command in that manner. Never would he include himself under
> that name.
Tom: Don't talk about my admiralty, Martha.
> "Thank you, Admiral, I was merely following orders," Marrissa
> replied.
> "True, but not many could have pulled those orders off," the
> Fleet Admiral responded.
Crow: "Only you have the bloodlust, Marrissa."
> "But on to why I called you. As of this
> Stardate you are promoted to Rear Admiral and placed in command of
> the First Fleet. A full listing of that fleet follows.
Mike: A full pantsing follows that.
> You remain
> in command of the Enterprise as well, but I expect you to provide
> me with a list of the replacements for your maternity leave."
Crow: "I can't wait to meet my new daughter."
> "Aye, aye, sir," Marrissa affirmed.
Tom: "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and, doggone it, people fear me."
> "I have a couple interim orders," Jean-Luc Picard stated.
> "Your fleet will be patrolling the border
Mike: Cheech Marin is going to tell you he was born in East L.A. Don't believe
him.
> until full assembly. Rear
> Admiral Riker will be picked up by the Nova which will be
Tom: ... full of pledge breaks. It's that time of the year again.
> his
> command ship for his Second Fleet. Commander Worf is to be sent
> to Earth aboard the Pasteur to pick up his Captaincy and
Crow: ... a quart of milk.
> command of
> the USS Chelsea Clinton.
Mike: The USS Lynda Bird has been *Robb*ed.
> That is all. Do you have anything else to
> report?"
> "No sir," Rear Admiral Marrissa Picard responded. "I look
> forward to reading the headlines."
Tom: Doesn't anyone read the stories anymore?
> "That reminds me, Marrissa," her father began. "That
> headline you predicted never occurred."
Crow: And real people do indeed speak in this manner.
> "Oh really?" Marrissa inquired.
> "They found something better: Fleet Admiral Gives Flagship
> as Birthday Present," he concluded. "Star Fleet out."
> Marrissa pondered the events, her new promotion and her
> new command.
Crow: Marrissa pondered her new plan... to TAKE OVER THE WORLD!
> She knew that commanding a fleet of some sort was
Tom: ... some kind of icky military thingie or other.
> unavoidable with her experience. The promotion was something of
> a shock. Here she was, a Captain of five years,
Mike: She had too much of that "Dark Marrissa" formula...
> less than a quarter
> up the list on seniority.
Crow: Marrissa is also Queen of the AARP.
> By all rights she should have almost a
> decade of experience before she got promoted. But then again
Mike: ... this is a Ratliff story.
> that
> position on the seniority list might have something to with it. With
> less than a quarter of all the Captains ranked below her, promoting
> her in order so that she could be placed in command of a fleet made
> some sense.
Tom: Uh-huh. And GE made ice cream cones.
> Her doorbell rang. "Come," Marrissa ordered. Lieutenant
> Commander Katherine Lockard entered. Her face was tear-stained.
> "What can I do for you Commander?"
Crow: "Could I Minwax your face?"
> "I have two matters," Lockard said. "First, one of my fighter
> pilots picked up a piece of the Enterprise-E's remains that she
> thought might be of some use to you, the dedication plaque."
Mike: "I had heard you wanted to use it as a chamber pot."
> "Have her give it to Rear Admiral Riker, and thank her
> for me," Admiral Picard stated. "And what was the pilot's name?"
> "Lieutenant Jess Gordon," Katherine replied.
> "Jessica Beatrice
Tom: Beatrice is a proud sponsor of the 1984 Summer Olympics.
> Gordon?" Marrissa asked. Commander
> Lockard nodded in return. "I had no idea my sister-in-law was on
> board." Then Marrissa grinned and continued, "have her report to me
> after she is done for the day for a little 'reprimand.'
Crow: Marrissa likes to keep it in the family.
> And
> your second matter?"
> "My husband died on board the Romulan Starbase," Katherine
> said sadly. "I'd like it if you said the eulogy."
Tom [Marrissa]: "Actually, that was 'Lochard' with an 'h.' Your husband is
fine. He's serving as one of my eunuchs."
> "I'd be honored," Admiral Marrissa Picard replied formally.
Mike: He's an exquisite dead guy, you know.
> "Inform me of the time you wish to hold the funeral. Now, If you'll
> excuse me, I have lots of paperwork to attend to and you have the
> next two days off."
Tom: "There's no crying in Starfleet!"
> "Aye, Captain," Katherine Lockard said, turning and
> exiting the ready room.
>
> Later that evening, Marrissa was relaxing with her husband
> Jay in her quarters.
Crow: Sounds painful to me...
> Her sister Jacqueline, whom Marrissa had decide
> to have lodged with her, was sitting at the terminal across the room
> puzzling over some anomaly.
Mike: Jacqueline is preparing to serve on Voyager some day.
> It was a pleasant evening, a thing that
> they knew would be rare during this war that they were in.
Crow: "This War That They Were In" didn't quite catch on, so the PR people
decided to go ahead with the "Romulan Desolation" concept instead.
> Marrissa
> had yet to inform Jay of his sister's presence aboard ship. The door
> rang. "Who could that be," Jay mused.
Tom: Calliope?
Crow: Terpsichore?
Mike: Erato?
> "Come," Marrissa ordered, knowingly.
> A sixteen year-old blond woman in flight uniform with
> Lieutenant junior grade pips entered. "Reporting as ordered,
> Captain," she commented.
Tom: It's Al Hunt at a White House briefing!
> "You are late Lieutenant and it's Rear Admiral," Marrissa
> said with practiced sternness. Then lightening she continued,
Crow: "I am Zeus, king of the Gods. Your tardiness displeases me. Eat hot fire
bolts from the sky."
> "but
> then again I've never been that strict with family and friends and
> rank."
Mike: AS long as they know she's in charge, anyway.
> Jay was sitting beside his wife, rather quietly.
Tom: "Can I speak, Mistress Marri--"
Crow: "You will speak when spoken to, slave!"
> He hadn't
> expected his sister Jessica. He really should have looked at the
> full crew list more closely. He knew that Jess had been selected
Mike: ... as the new FAQ person.
Tom: I thought he was working for the Antitrust Division at DOJ.
Crow: You're both wrong. He's the new librarian at Phillips Exeter.
> for fighter training and been chosen as her wing's commander. But
> she wasn't
Mike: ... Mark Hamill quite yet.
> due to graduate from the Fighter Academy on Essex for
> another two months. Apparently, he mused, they had sped up the
> class.
Mike: They?
Tom: Yeah, you know. Clio, Thalia, Meldomene.
Crow: Euterpe, Polyhymnia, Sleepy, Doc.
Tom: Eric, Sami, Belle.
Mike: Enough, Tom.
> He turned his attention back to the conversation.
> "So when they said they needed two divisions of fighters
> for the Enterprise, I was hoping they'd chose my wing to be a part
> of them," Jessica was saying.
Crow: And then, he turned his attention away from the conversation.
> "Of course so was the rest of the
> academy.
Tom: After those friendly fire incidents, they wanted us as far away as
possible.
> Fortunately Gordon comes early in the alphabet. They had
> us ship out right after the
Tom: ... Jell-O incident.
> announcement of who was going. I didn't
> even have time to pack
Crow: ... the bowl very tightly.
> . I left orders to have my belongings sent to
> your palace, Marrissa. I hope that's okay."
Mike: So. Let's review the action.
> "Perfectly," Marrissa interjected.
Tom: Um, first the Enterprise blew up.
> "One thing I want to know, Jess," Jay asked. "What took you
> so long to stop by?"
Crow: And then there was another Enterprise...
> "I was given five minutes to drop my things in my quarters,"
> Lieutenant Jessica Gordon began. "Then there was the ceremony for
Mike: Yeah, and then there was, um, Romulans.
> the change of command. After that Commander Lochard put us to work,
Crow: And Laxwana Troi married Al Gore...
> drilling us on just about everything. Last night I just fell right
Tom: Yeah, and the Romulans were destroying a ship every third Sunday, but the
Federation kept it quiet.
> to sleep. Then this morning's battle and its aftermath. If it
Crow: And some stuff blew up, the Enterprise turned into a cat.
> weren't for Marrissa's orders for me to report after duty, I'd
> probably be doing that training exercise on the Holodeck now."
Tom: Oh, don't forget the Romulan Marrissa.
> "No that's just for the second division," Marrissa commented.
> "Of course you'll probably be doing it tomorrow."
Mike: And one of the nondescript Kids' Crew people died.
> "Now if I just knew who my new squadron leader was I'd be
> doing fine," Katherine concluded. "Poor old Berthold, first battle
> and second in his class and he's dead."
Tom: Okay. But who or what is "A New Generation?"
Crow: What with all the excitemnet and action, Ratliff must have forgotten
that part.
Mike: Well, maybe something will happen. Let's watch.
> "I use to be able to say I knew every one under my command,"
> Marrissa mused
Mike: I think Ratliff has found a new word.
> darkly. "But with over two thousand aboard and
> thirty-nine other ships under my command, It's just not possible
> any more."
> "Hey, you just won a battle, 'Rissa, no dreariness allowed,"
Tom: Death is fun!
> Jackie said, having joined the group, after shelving the computer
> problem for the moment.
Mike: She can't figure out the win95 upgrades, either.
> "Yeah, Marrissa, now what do you think Shayna will look like
> in the new green security uniform?" Jay asked.
Crow: She's in charge of mad science now?
> Starfleet had order a
> uniform change making the insert in security officer's uniforms
> green,
Tom: Oh, I hate those inserts.
Crow: They just fall out and leave a huge messy pile at all the paper's
distribution points.
Mike: Hey, the advertisers seem to like them.
> instead of the yellow they had long shared with Engineering.
> Shayna had long been avoiding the change, but tomorrow was the last
> day in the window
Tom: o/~ How much is that Shayna in the window? o/~
Crow: o/~ The one with the Shachedy tail? o/~
> and she must show up in it.
> "Judging from the dress she wore to my wedding, pretty good,"
> Marrissa stated.
Mike: That would be the bridesmaid dress you ordered her to wear, Marrissa.
> "Wait a minute, Marrissa," Jackie interrupted. "As Computer
> Security Officer, I'm in both Engineering and Security. What do I wear?"
Tom: Patent leather.
> "Dual departmentation, I don't think I've encountered that
> before," Jessica commented.
Crow: Sounds kinky, though.
> "As I understand the regulation, you get to chose depending
> on which one you feel you deal with more," Marrissa stated.
Mike: It's a kinder, gentler, Starfleet.
> "I'd chose the security one if I were you, Jackie," Jay said.
> "Don't listen to him, Jacqueline," Jessica returned. "He
> always chooses the green outfit."
Crow: And he looks faaa-bu-lous!
> "Oh so that's why Marrissa has been showing up in green so
> much," Jackie replied.
> "Hum, it sounds like I better make sure the green ones aren't
> an option," Marrissa said.
Tom: Ratliff, end this. Please!
Tom: It hurts. Oh, it hurts.
> "If it's something that Bookworm Jack
Crow: o/~... Through the soil he did crawl! o/~
Mike: o/~ Bookworm Jack! A super suit did fall! o/~
> noticed, I've been doing it too much."
> "Mar-ris-sa, you promised not to call me that," Jackie replied.
> "Oh, that's right. Only Nick can get away with
Mike: Putting Linda "Maxwell House" Ellerbee on TV again.
> calling you
> Jack," Marrissa said as the conversation moved away from duty.
Crow: ... to love.
>
> Epilogue
>
Tom: It's the Untouchable Fugtive Invader Cannon of San Francisco!
> The first battle in the war was a success for the Federation,
> thanks to Captain Picard's tactical expeirance.
Tom: She spent years at Starfleet Academy studying Braille.
Mike: Tom, that's *tactile* experience.
Tom: Oops.
> While the Federation
> would eventally win the war, the next three months were not good ones
> for the Federation.
Mike: They were between sweeps months and PTEN would only gve them reruns.
> Devastating attacks were made by the Romulans
> on many Federation planets and outposts.
Crow: They were trying to sew up the salty snack market for the Pretzel Wagon.
> It was not until the now Rear Admiral Marrissa Picard was
> once again forced into the forefront, that the Federation was
> successful again.
Tom: That sentence structure is something up with which I shall not put.
> This story will be told in the next volume of
> the series ... Falling Into Command.
>
Crow: Agent Double O Marrissa will return in... Falling Into Command.
> Professor
Tom: William Gobble-on.
> John P. Hereomise III
Mike: Remember that Hereomise sweater Gypsy knitted me?
Tom: That gypsy is such a dear.
> Professor of 24th Century History
> University of Alpha-Beta Hidroxide
Mike: He's been charged with the murder of the original sandwich cookie!
> University May 17, 2456
>
> --
> Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University.
Crow: You're telling me this luminary isn't an English major?
Tom: That Ratliff, the quintessential Rennaisance Man.
Mike: The average European during the Rennaisance was an illiterate peasant.
Tom: Yes, I know.
> sratliff@runet.edu Marrissa Stories Author
Tom: Author! Author!
Crow: Die! Die!
> homepage: http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/
Mike: Paging Mr. Ratliff, Mr. Stephen Ratliff.
Crow: Why, I'm Stephen Ratliff!
Mike: GO HOME!
> Maintainer for the FAQs on alt.startrek.creative
>
Tom: Here's a FAQ for you: Is there anyone over there creative enough to write
an original story?
> "Wait until you have four pips on that collar, you'll wish you'd gone
> into botany"
> - Captain Benjiman Sisko, DS9 "Rules of Engagement"
Mike: Or stuck with the "Hawk" character...
Tom: Whew. Let's get out of here, guys.
[1-2-3-4-5-6]
[SOL]
Mike: Wow, guys, that was rough.
Tom: Mike, if we're so immortal and internal and stuff, why are we trapped in
geosynchronous orbit over Radford University, trapped in a text-based
mock up of the Satellite of Love?
Mike: How should I know.
Crow: You know, trapped up here in cyberspace, reading about the Kids' Crew,
orbiting Radford. Face it guys, it's Ratliff's World, and we're just
passing through.
Mike: Crow! I think that's it!
Crow: What?
Mike: This *is* Ratliff's world.
Crow: And?
Mike: Who is all-powerful in Ratliff's world?
Crow: Marrissa.
Mike: Exactly. Tom, do you have the Marrissa action figure?
Tom: Sure do, Mike. Right here.
Mike: All we have to do is have Marrissa wave her hand, and we'll be banished
from Ratliff's world.
[Mike takes the figure, and lifts its hand.]
Mike [Marrissa]: Be gone, infidels!
Mike, Tom, and Crow all disappear.
->>> connected: PearlF (#13) - total: 1
PearlF: How did you boys enjoy in the film?
[Edge of the Universe]
Tom: Hey Gypsy! We're back! And we're all pure energy and stuff!
Gypsy: You guys! The Sattelite of Love is in trouble! We've got to save it!
[Deep 13]
Mrs. F: Oh, no! How did they escape?
<Baby crying>
Mrs. F: I'm sorry, Clayton. I'll get them back soon enough. I've got this
Corman cheapie with Touch Conners and the end of the world all ready
to go. Believe you me, they'll see it.
Mrs. Forrester pushes the button.
[Pfffffft!]
\ | /
\ | /
----- O -----
/ | \
/ | \
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mystery Science Theater 3000, its characters and situations are all copyright
1997, Best Brains, Inc. Star Trek, varied spinoffs and all their characters,
and situation are copyright Paramount. I understand Paramount is out to
undermine Trekkie activity on the net. I certainly hope this MSTing has done
its little part. "A New Generation" is copyright Stephen Ratliff, I suppose.
And he's welcome to it. So I guess whatever is left over is copyright me. Post
this message anywhere, just do it in its entirity, with this message attached.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> "I'm sorry to hear that Admiral," Captain Picard responded.
> "I guess it's time to find out which girl Captain its the best."
> "Nothing like friendly competition to begin one's day," the
> Romulan Admiral concluded. "On guard, Captain."
Jamie Plummer jcp9j@virginia.edu http://faraday.clas.virginia.edu/~jcp9j
"It's merely symptomatic of our postmodern ennui. There are no
absolutes unless you perceive our world as meaningless when it's
really your own freedom you detest. I like pork." -- Brak