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Mystery Wrestling Theater post 104, round 1:
A sorceror, A demon, and Emeralds', part 1
WRITTEN BY: Kefka the Dark One/Mecha-Sonic Trios
MSTIED BY: Alicia Ashby a.k.a. Lynxara
CO-MSTIED BY: Jamie Jeans a.k.a. JOLT!!!
CO-MSTIED BY: Justin Golden a.k.a J-Boogie! Whoopie!!
JAMIE JEANS: Together, we are THE TRIPLE THREAT!!!
J-BOOGIE: YEAH! Snap into a slim jim!! Ooops, wrong rant.
LYNXARA: Remember Sable 3:16, Boys n girls -- "I will have back problems!"
[NOTE: Yes, I know I usually do my MiSTs in script form. However, the
six parts of post 104 will be in prose. Why? Because I felt like it.
Now, on with the show!]
Eric Bischoff, President and general head honcho of World Championship
Wrestling, darted onto the bridge of the Satellite of Nitro. He'd been
trapped on the Satellite for a little over a month now, so he was finally
getting used to the blaring sirens and livid red lights that announced an
incoming message from the Dark One. However, they had never come this
early in the morning before. He reached the bridge and turned off the
sirens.
From another passage shambled in 'Diamond Dallas' Page Faulkenberg. Page
looked even more rough than usual, so Eric guessed that he had just gotten
up. Upon reaching the control console, Page yelled 'Page breakfast number
two!' into a nearby speaker. A bottle of gin and a shot glass arose from
the depths of the console. Page began downing shots bitterly.
Eric smiled. "He should be coherent around number four," he
thought to himself.
Entering last, from a third passage, came Steve Borden (aka Sting) and
Bret 'the Hitman' Hart. Judging from their clothes -- and their smell --
Eric guessed that they had just been in the weight room. And, of course,
they were arguing.
"You got saved by the bell, Pinky! I WON!" Steve shouted.
"It was a draw," Bret countered coolly.
"I did more reps than you!" Steve shouted again. "You were skipping
numbers! My arms are better, and I WON."
Bret's face finally registered annoyance. "Listen, which one of us had
to go to a half-off lately?"
"Which one of us has ALWAYS had to wear a half-off?" Steve replied.
"Quiet, guys," Eric admonished. "Power and Glory are calling."
Vince McMahon, owner and general head honcho of the rival World
Wrestling Federation, giggled manaicly as the transmission from the
Satellite came into Titan 13. At his side was WWF Intercontinental
champion Rocky Maivia, smiling his ever-cheesy smile.
"Greetings, Hulkamaniacs! Do you know why I'm calling?"
Back on the Satellite, Eric replied, "Well... no. It's still a couple
of days before our next post."
Vince laughed darkly. "You see, I've finally finished it! My ticket to
world domination! THE DOOMSDAY MACHINE!! WHOOOOOOOOOO!" The camera
panned back to reveal a massive spire of twisted metal jutting out of T13's
center. At its base was the complex looking bank of controls that Vince and
Rocky were standing in front of. As the camera pulled back in, an empty
round aperture in the control bank became noticeable.
Page squinted at the image of the tower presented on the SoN's
viewscreen. "Phallic symbol," he finally announced.
Eric grinned and continued, "Yeah, Vinnie Mac, that looks like some
major psychological compensation!"
Vince glowered at them through the Viewscreen. "You know, the only
thing I've never been able to do to you boobies is make you fear me. But
THAT'S all over!" Vince pulled a silvery crystal out of his suit pocket
and inserted it in the aperture in the control bank. "Rock, tell them
what they've won!" Vince said as he began adjusting the various dials
and switches on the Machine. The camera panned over to rest on the Rock's
face.
"Eric Bischoff and *all* the inhabitatnts of the Satellite of Nitro
have won the right to be Vince's guinea pigs for the test of the Doomsday
Machine! God only knows what will happen to you as undescribable amounts of
arcane energy are blasted through the delicate electronic systems that
protect you from the cold, deadly vacuum of space!" Rocky flashed a
brilliant smile at them to finish.
Eric blanched. "W-what?"
Steve shook his head in disapproval. "I think you two have taken this
whole corporate warfare thing a bit too far."
Eric glared at Steve -- who had the audacity to have no idea what was
going on -- and then looked back at the viewscreen. "Vince, you can't
do this! You'd be responsible for the deaths of three people and an
executive!"
Bret nodded. "I'm pretty sure you can be fined for that."
Vince grinned madly back at them through the monitor. "Your legal
system can JUMP UP MY BUTT, has-been! I'm going to conquer the universe...
STARTING WITH YOU!!" With that, Vince pulled the final switch.
The Doomsday Machine glowed blue as it pulled energy from the Silver
Crystal. It flashed up the spire in lightning-like bursts, gathering at the
spire's pointed top. The machinery hummed with the power of the vast forces
it contained. A powerful wind blew up as the Machine ripped a vortex into
the very fabric of time and space. Vince laughed madly as the vortex
grew larger and larger; Rocky made a point of getting a firmer grip on
his Intercontinental Title.
Page's eyes opened a little bit wider as he gazed on the scene in the
Viewscreen. "This is bad, isn't it?"
The Satellite's proximity alarms went off as its sensors detected a vast
disturbance beneath them. Eric looked at the readouts as they appeared on
the control deck's screen.
"This is *really* bad. Check out Rocket Number 9!"
The SON's inhabitants gasped as another space-time vortex, this one
enormous, formed underneath the Satellite. Suddenly, the energy orb
gathering at the tip of the Doomsday Machine exploded upward, flying through
the portals to slam into the Satellite. The orb's energy surged through the
Satellite's systems, charging them with vast amounts of energy. Eric
screamed as he was caught in the energy field being emitted from the control
console. Showers of sparks exploded out of the SON's paneling as circuitry
overloaded and fried. Eric's screams cracked up an octave as the energy
surge seemed to be focusing on him and the console.
"CHRIST!!" Page swore as the Satellite exploded around him. His
boss -- and meal ticket -- was getting fried, and Steve and Bret were
trapped behind a section of exploding floor paneling. Page decided to take
things into his own hands. He rushed at Eric, hoping a good hard
shoulderblock would break the connection.
Page picked exactly the wrong time to try it. As he began to run, the
entire Satellite jolted to the left. The power surge had hit the
stabilization systems. Page ended up not running so much as being thrown.
The jolt also threw Steve bodily into Bret, and then slammed the both of
them into a wall. Right as Page's flying body hit Bischoff, the surging
energy exploded into a blinding white flash.
"Wow. That was pretty neat," Rocky marvelled. Up until now, he had
absolutely no idea what the Doomsday Machine did. He was pretty sure Vince
hadn't either. But, judging from how dark and lifeless the Satellite looked
on the Viewscreen, it had worked pretty well.
Steve came to just as the lights flickered back on. He looked around,
and was disturbed to find that Page and Eric were gone. Smoke was rising
from the many damaged portions of the Satellite's panelling, and the console
looked completely messed up. Bret was still out cold, so Steve decided to
check around the different parts of the Satellite to see how much damage had
been done. There wasn't much else he could do, as he couldn't operate
the Satellite controls under even the best conditions.
He checked through the living quarters (okay, but Page would be pissed
about the loss of his beer bottle collection), the workout room, the
kitchens, the Holocabana (which no one could figure out how to operate --
something about a Megane 6.7 clause), the library, the pool, the atrium, the
greenhouse, the apiary, and the grand ballroom. For the most part,
everything was visibly damaged and smoky but still operational. However,
ther were some casualties. His beloved full run of Masaomi Kanzaki's
Xenon' had caught fire, which would force him to buy those damn tiny Viz
reprints. The rec room had been totally slagged. Damn, he'd miss that
foozball table. Worst of all, though, was the loss of their precious
store of Jello 1-2-3.
He was finishing his check with the docking bay, where enough supplies
to keep them alive and well for years were stored. As he checked through the
boxes and equipment, he found that most were okay (including that box marked
hamdingers' -- why the hell had Vince sent them hamdingers?). He was
about to leave when he heard a faint scratching sound, like metal
against metal. He turned around to investigate, wondering if there was
some exposed wiring. As he got closer to what he thought was the source,
the noise stopped. Still, he had to find out...
"KYYYYYY-AAAAHHHH!"
Steve had the presence of mind to roll out of the way as he heard the
high-pitched swishing sound of steel hissing through the air. He looked
up to see a *woman* -- A WOMAN -- with an angry look on her face and a
sword in her hands. She was *very* striking. Not only was she beautiful and
wearing a skintight outfit, but SHE WAS A REAL LIVE WOMAN ON THE SATELLITE!!
Of course, the fact that she was armed to the teeth took away from the
effect a little. But after a straight month of looking at Bischoff every
day, he'd take whatever came along. Which brought up a good question into
his hormone-fogged brain -- how did she get there?
Apparently, she was wondering the same thing. Her eyes were nearly red
-- no, they literally were red. She brandished her sword at Steve, and said
in sort of a controlled yell, "I don't know *who* you are, or *why* I'm
here, but you had better send me back NOW!"
Steve raised his hands in the universal 'hey-don't-kill-me' gesture.
"Trust me, I would if I could. But I don't know how you got here, so I
can't. And if I knew some way of leaving here, I'd already be gone!" he
babbled.
The woman arched an eyebrow at him, and then lowered her sword. He was
big, but he seemed harmless (and goofy) enough. Steve smiled as she let down
her guard. People just seemed to trust him for some reason. She looked
around speculatively at the docking bay, obviously trying to get her
bearings. Steve smiled and said, "Um... you're probably wondering where
you are. Well, see it's kind of a long story..."
* * *
"... so, because we work for the competition, Vince McMahon has trapped
us up here and makes us read really bad internet posts," Steve
finished as the pair walked onto the bridge.
The woman rolled her eyes. "Where have I heard *that* before?"
Bret, who had long since regained consciousness, was typing viciously at
the controls. Two *really* tall guys were standing behind him. He recognized
one.
"NASH!" Steve yelled. "How did you get here?"
Kevin Nash shrugged. "Beats the hell outta me. One minute, I'm hangin'
out before the show, the next I'm here."
"Much the same thing happened to me," added in the other big man.
Steve looked at him a bit harder as he tried to recognize him. Long reddish-
brown hair, extremely pale skin...
"That's Mark Calloway! You know, the Undertaker?" Bret said in
exasperation. He was trying to get the central CPU back on-line, and it
wasn't coming along very well. Steve and Mark exchanged a long glance.
Then, they finally exclaimed, "I *love* your work!!"
"And I'm Samantha Jones, RPG character and vigilante at large. Just
off-hand, I'd say Vince accidentally built a teleportation device. It
probably got screwed up and emitted a Deus Ex Machina field that brought all
of us here."
Bret's hands slammed numbly onto the keyboard as Samantha stepped into
the light and introduced herself. A beatific smile dawned on Nash's face,
and even the stoic Mark seemed impressed. "Isn't she neat?" Steve
said proudly.
"Sah-tellite of Nah-tro comin' online," announced a weirdly distorted Magic
Voice.
Mark glanced down at Bret and asked, "Dusty Rhodes?"
Bret grinned sheepishly and replied, "I guess I hit the wrong
button." Suddenly, the formerly static Viewscreen was filled with the
leering face of Vincent K McMahon.
Vince cackled madly as he said, "I've heard everything that's been
said, Degeneration X! If I have a teleportation device here, that means
Bitchoff and your glorified jobber could be anywhere in the universe right
now! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!! And don't think you won't be joining them as soon as I
get this thing fixed!"
"But Vince, I work for you," Mark reminded him.
"And I'm just an innocent bystander!" Samantha added
"Well, you know what they say. If you want to make an omelet, you have
to be willing to set the kitchen on fire!' So, Rock, give them something to
keep them busy while I attend to business." Vince then turned away from
the camera and started working on the Doomsday Machine's controls.
"Gotcha, Vince. Well, we don't have any wrestling posts ready, but we
do have 'A demon, A sorceror, and Emeralds'. It's an unbelieveably evil
Sonic the Hedgehog lemon --"
"Gonterman?! NOOOOOO!" Samantha screamed.
"No, it's not Gonterman," Rocky continued. "It's by someone who calls him
or herself Kefka the Dark One'. So enjoy *your* story."
Rocky then pressed the button.
Despite all the fire damage, the sirens and lights that announced an
incoming post were still operating properly. "WHAT?!" Nash yelled.
"We have to go into the theater now. I've done this before,"
Samantha said.
"That's right!" Bret added. "WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIIIIIIGN!"
And as the guys (and girl) ran into the theater, an introductory theme song
spontaneously cued up....
In the not too distant future
Lost in time and space
Our hero, Eric Bischoff,
is trapped in an endless chase!
Pursued throughout the multiverse,
He's trying to escape Vince's curse,
And since DDP is MIA,
Vince has a new way to dish out pain!
"I'll still send bad posts,
up to the Satellite!
And I'll use my evil new Machine
To crush all in my sight!"
Keep in mind that Steve and Bret,
haven't been left alone,
Cause three new vict -- er, faces
will call the Satellite home!
WRESTLER ROLL CALL!
STEVE! (The Stinger!)
BRET! (He's Canadian!)
MARK! (The Taker!)
NASH! (I'm huge!)
SA-MAN-THA JONES! (What am I doing here?)
So if you're worried about Bisch and Page,
And if this story just seems whacked,
Just repeat to yourself, "Wrestling is fake!
I should really just relax!"
FOR MYSTERY WRESTLING THEATER 3000!
[We hear the Guitar twang as the door sequence completes. Everyone
enters the theater. They sit, from l-to-r: Steve, Mark, Samantha, Nash,
Bret]
NASH: So exactly what are we doing, now?
STEVE: Well, this is usually when we read the post and riff it.
NASH: Man. This could only be better if they paid us!
>><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
SAMANTHA: Whoa! That's alot of... stuff.
BRET: No, I think they're fishes. ><> See?
STEVE: And I think you've been up here too long.
>><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
>>{DUE TO VIOLENT CONTENTS, AND PROFANITY READERS DISCRETION IS
>>ADVISED
SAMANTHA: Now if I figure this right, Gonterman should be coming out to
rant about censorship or some other crap.
NASH: You can't forget his rants against the so called attempt to turn him
towards homosexuality.
BRET: [growling slightly] Or sleeping with Sailor Moon. As a fox even!!
STEVE: So kiddies, what does this prove? That our "friend" David is a
whiny, flametroller that lives in his own fantasy world. Sad,
isn't it?
><><><><>Your warned kiddies}
NASH <author>: --will probably read this fanfic, have their minds
warped, and turn into my mindless zombies!! BWAH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
BRET: Oh yeah, this story is going to go down smoooooooth...
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>><><
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
>A
SAMANTHA: -- fanfic too much...
>Sonic The Hedgehog Story ~-<{<<A sorcerer, A demon, and Emeralds>>}>-~
MARK: Sorcerers, and demons, and emeralds... oh my! Sorry, just had to get
that outta my system.
>(PART1) Written by: Kefka The Dark One
SAMANTHA: The hell...? I thought he was killed at the end of Final
Fantasy!
MARK: Apparently our author decided to name his/herself after him.
[ponders a moment] You know, that's NOT a good sign.
STEVE: Hmm, which part: The fact the author wishes to be a reincarnated
villain, which is a bad sign, or the fact that he's writting a dark fic
about Sonic the Hedgehog, which is an even WORSE sign?
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>~~~~~~~
>Dedicated to: Locy & Jai, All my Cserve friends, all my AOL buddies,
NASH <author>: All of my twisted little geeky friends who have nothing
better to do than worship a crappy kids' show...
BRET: NASH! No name calling!
SAMANTHA: Okay, so Gonterman didn't show up, but he influences people...
I need to beat him up really bad. Stone Cold didn't do too good a job.
STEVE: I hope Austin didn't hear that...
>Annie
>Arellano, and of course the man who created Sonic The Hedgehog, and the
>man who created Final Fantasy 3.
MARK: I would like to take this opportunity to point out that most
Japanese video games are made by soulless multi-member development
teams. Thank you.
BRET: Still doesn't make much of a difference. People still go out and
by them.
STEVE: Kind of like those Sailor Moon games I saw you stashing before.
BRET: [mutters under his breath] Shut up.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>~~~~~~~
SAMANTHA: And here we have the great Hoover Dam...
STEVE: Look, they're doing the wave!
>Letter Response: Since I have a few fans
[NASH coughs loudly into his hand, making a noise that sounds
suspiciously like bullsh*t']
BRET: NASH!!
SAMANTHA: Your mom and yourself don't count, Kefka.
>(and perhaps I will gain more
>with this Story!)
[ALL burst out laughing]
NASH: That's funnier than Steve winning the Intercontinental Title!!
STEVE: Yeah, hee hee... [pause] HEY!!
>I was hoping Anyone with comments, Idea, or wish to ask
>for rights to use any of this story would send E-mail to any of the
>following Addresses...... KefkaDark1@Surenet.com KefkaDark1@AOL.Com
>KefkaDark1@Earthlink.net
SAMANTHA: Hmm... uh...
BRET: Can you say ego?
STEVE: Like you should talk, Maple-Ass!
BRET: Listen, *Captain Originality*, you --
SAMANTHA: Quit it *boys*!
NASH: No, let them go at it! That's how we settle things.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>~~~~~~~
>Lawful Crap:
SAMANTHA: That's legal stuff. Get it right!
NASH: Unless he's trying to copyright his--
STEVE: NASH!! No!!
>Sonic The Hedgehog, Miles "Tails" Prowers, Dr. Robotnik and
>all other related characters are based on the characters created by SEGA,
>Archie Comic publication, DIC's Sonic The Hedgehog Old Saturday
Cartoon,
MARK: Yes, that *is* its real name.
>and SEGA of AMERICA. Other such Ch aracters are created from the minds of
>Aaron Lye, Elizabeth Ramirez and Alex Arellano
SAMANTHA [groans]: Great... more self-insertion.
BRET: The worst thing about Sonic fanfiction is how in-bred it all is!
>Final Fantasy 3, Kefka, and
>other such things are based on the characters and items created by
>SquareSoft inc.
NASH <author>: ... who would be shocked and horrified at my abuse of them.
>1) No one can use the Characters Aaron Lye, Elizabeth
>Ramirez, or Alex Arellano created without written permission to the
>author.
SAMANTHA: But that doesn't mean we can't riff it to hell!
>2) This file is not to be placed upon a Web site or On-line
>Service without written approval from the authors
UNKNOWN VOICE: Of course, since with this MSTing, it becomes our property
and we can post it at will. Don't you just love loopholes, people?
SMANTHA: Who was that?
BRET: Probably some small time author trying to self insert himself.
UV: HEY!!
>3)No one says anything
>about how cruel I make Sonic <grin>
STEVE: Just *try* and enforce that!
SAMANTHA: Alas dear Sonic, we knew your character well...
BRET: I said the same thing about my buddy here right after Starrcade.
STEVE: HEY! It was all your fault, anyway!
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>~~~~~~~
>Brief summery: With the defeat of Snively, a new character takes control .
>. . his name is Sonic Hedgehog.
SAMANTHA: But isn't he...?
BRET: Don't think about it.
MARK: Ah, stock plot number 134... 'Hero goes bad.'
BRET: I thought stock plot number 134 was 'Love interests are really
siblings.'
MARK: No, that's stock plot number 179.
BRET: Oh.
>And he's taken over, destroyed the
>Freedom Fighters, and created Mobius onto his own now Darken Image.
NASH: Isn't that a Goth clothing store?
SAMANTHA: Kefka's been taking lessons from Dr.Thinker, I see.
STEVE: Lucky for us he didn't listen to all of his teachings. This is still
slightly readable.
>The
>Trio of Remaining Freedom Fighters must now face their old comrade and
>stop him from his 8 year reign. . . . .They search for the one thing that
>will destroy his reign . . .the TIME STONES
SAMANTHA [stands up and rants]: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!! DON'T USE TIME
TRAVEL!!! IT'S A STUPID PLOT DEVICE!!! AARRGGHH!!!
NASH: Want me to *comfort* you?
SAMANTHA: BAKA!
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>~~~~~~~
>
>~~~~~~~~~
>FORWARD
>~~~~~~~~~
[ALL are pressed back into their seats for a split second before being
shot forward out of their seats. Samantha lands on Nash]
NASH [cockily]: Why, Samantha...
SAMANTHA [growls and gets off him]: Baka!
> The Great Unknown. . . .silent, deadly, yet somewhat exciting,
>bold, adventurous
BRET: Sort of sounds like a Marines commercial to me.
>. . . quiet today, strangely quiet. . . .
STEVE <grim>: Yeah, it's cliched. A little *too* cliched.
>
>Ten Seconds. . . .
>
> The Bristling dead trees begin to howl with the strange wind. .
BRET: Honey, call the neighbors! Their bristling dead trees are howling
again!
>
>
>Nine Seconds . . . .
SAMANTHA: Uh-oh. I think someone hit the self-destruct to this fanfic.
MARK: That sounds like a good idea, considering the story concept thus
far.
SAMANTHA: I couldn't agree with you more.
[When, Samantha isn't looking, Mark turns to Nash and grins at him. Nash
glowers darkly in return]
> The Forces from an unknown origin is being felt by the fire ants. .
> .
STEVE: THE *FIRE ANTS*?! That changes everything!
>
>Eight Seconds . . . .
>
> The strange upcoming ear piercing zoom. . . .
SAMANTHA: C-ko's crying, in other words.
BRET: Sounds more like Usagi crying.
STEVE: You would know, fanboy.
BRET: Grrr... if there wasn't a lady here--
STEVE: --You'd be cowering in the corner.
BRET: THAT'S IT!!
SAMANTHA: HEY, YOU TWO!! QUIT IT ALREADY!!
[Bret and Steve sit down, chagrined and muttering apologies]
>Seven Seconds . . . .
>
> The Rumbling pebbles slowly dance on the ground. . .
NASH: So that's where she went after the Flintstones ended. Shame really...
SAMANTHA: So the rocks were having a party?
MARK: Yes. At the moment, they're doing a lovely minuet.
>Six Seconds . . . . .
>
> The winds howl louder. . .
[ALL make howling noises. Nash and Steve then begin to sing the Wolfpac
intro song]
>Five Seconds . . . .
>
> Creatures of Mobius scamper into a hiding place as this unknown
>forces comes. . .
NASH: It's Hulk Hogan's ego! RUN!
BRET: Wouldn't that be more like a black hole?
SAMANTHA: It's called a bad fanfic. Get used to it, little guys.
>Four Seconds . . . . .
STEVE: ...and a partridge in a pear tree! Enough already!
>
> A streaking Blue light slams past the plains heading towards a
>mountain. . . .
ALL <flatly>: Gee, we wonder who it is.
SAMANTHA: Hmm, but if that was a streak of blue lightning, then I'd have
to worry about this being a cross-over fanfic...
>
>Three Seconds . . . .
>
> It Slows its pace to view its surroundings . . .Sonic gazes left
>and right then smiles. . .
SAMANTHA: The acid was finally kicking in.
NASH <Sonic>:Whu-how... this stuff rules... the colors... oh wait, I
have to slow down first.
>Two Seconds. . . . .
>
> He finds his destination and blasted away towards it. . . .
>
>1 Second . . . . .
>
STEVE: KA-BOOM! Everyone died. The end. So whats happening on RAW?
> The Sonic Boom Is heard. . . .
[ALL shake about in their seats]
SAMANTHA: I think someone had better turn down the bass.
NASH: No, that's what makes the music *good*!
> Sonic Ran past the first mountain holding the laid out map Sally
>gave him.
MARK <Sonic>: Hey! Give that back to me, you big chunk of rock!!
>"This is the place, hope Sally girls right. . "
SAMANTHA: Uh... yeah.
>Sonic Stopped to a dead halt and slowly entered the dark Cavern. He took a flash light
>from his brown backpack and turned it on, he viewed a strange black
>substance that seem to reflect the light off into different areas of the
>cave.
NASH: That's *paint*, Sonic.
SAMANTHA: A run-on sentence at the beginning... oh joy.
>"What in the name of Mobian is this?" Deeper he entered into the
>cave, he wandered a half hour, partly frustrated and somewhat
dumbfounded.
STEVE: Not to mention three-fifths bemused and 14% nauseated.
BRET: With just a dash of haught!
NASH: ... for FLAVA!
>"Dang, this is like a labyrinth,
NASH: So where's the girl, the stupid monsters, and the over the hill
rock star?
BRET: He said *a* labyrinth, not *the* Labyrinth.
> How did Sally expect me to find that rock
>material if I cant even find my way out?"
SAMANTHA: Materia? When did we cross over into FF7?
MARK: That's *material*.
SAMANTHA: Oh.
>Sonic mumbled. He didnt have
>time to complain anymore, for once he said that he stepped upon weak
>ground, under his weight it collapsed sending him plummeting below,
>screaming all the way.
STEVE: So if Sonic said all that, couldn't he have just avoided it in the
first place?
NASH: He hit the ground 300 miles below and died. The end. So what's
happening on RAW?
BRET: It's not gonna be *that* easy.
> The impact
STEVE: The *deep* impact?
MARK: We'd be lucky to have a comet wipe out this story.
>wasn't that hard, he was only out for a few minutes, he
>groaned and slowly opened his eyes, there was a blinding flash when he did
>so, Sonic screamed again and shielded his eyes.
MARK: There was a run-on sentence, it was really long, it didn't use the
right punctuation.
><<One of Speed be it unmatched . . .
NASH: Keanu Reeves?
>I have waited,>>
BRET <disembodied voice>: And waited and waited... do you know how
boring it is not to have a body? I can't even play tiddly winks!
> "W...Who are you?!" Sonic screamed out. "How do you know about
>me!"
SAMANTHA <deep voice>: I'm the author. I know everything.
> <<I know all Sonic Hedgehog, for many years I have waited for one
>with such power to finally release me from this imprisonment of crystal.>>
BRET: Hmm...
MARK: What are you thinking about Bret?
BRET: Tenchi Muyo, for some reason...
>Sonic rose from his resting place and looked around, he saw a room covered
>in black crystal. In the Center was an Emerald of Black.
BRET: Right next to a Ruby of Turquoise and a Sapphire of Puce.
><<Yes. . .many
>years I have waiting for you Sonic, now come closer to me. . .>>
SAMANTHA: Come on! You know you want to touch it!
> "Where are you," Spoke Sonic in his typical voice
STEVE: So he *wasn't* doing impressions?
>trying to conceal his fear.
SAMANTHA: And the author trying to write a good fanfic.
> <<Come Closer Sonic, Let me finally gaze into the vessel that
>shall take me from this place.>>
NASH: Maybe we'll get lucky and he'll sink on his maiden voyage...
> "Better yet what are you."
MARK <Emerald>: A plot contrivance, pretty much.
>Retorted Sonic, almost obeying he
>walked toward the crystal and gazed into its center.
SAMANTHA <Sonic>: And what the hell have you done with all my commas and
periods?
NASH: Well, is it that time... [gets punched by Bret]
BRET: Don't go there.
> <<I am the Absolute soul of darkness,
NASH: AHA! I knew Ginger Spice quit that group for a reason!
BRET: You don't like them very much, do you?
NASH: What gave you that idea?
BRET: I don't know. Your subscription to ICE SPICE or the various poems
I found depicting their fall into poverty and despair.
NASH: Hmm, guess you didn't find those--
BRET: I did. I don't wanna go there either.
>I am the Chaos Emerald of
>Darkness, stricken from memory by those wretched Guardians. They claimed
>I corrupt and destroy,
STEVE <Emerald>: Just because I'm evil! Man, what *jerks*.
>but now things will change Sonic Hedgehog. You are
>my Avatar,
BRET: Please tell me this isn't a crossover into Ultima...
MARK: His *Author* Avatar?
>you shall rule this world, with my essence living in you and
>giving you power.>> Sonic Stepped back.
SAMANTHA: And got out of the fanfic. Good for him!
> "Sorry pal, I don't help evil.
NASH <Sonic>: At least not for *free*, if you get my drift...
>I Should take you back to the
>Guardians so they can put you in a safer place, if old Sni-vly got his
>hands on your we'd all be in trouble." Sonic reached out for the gem.
SAMANTHA: Oh god! This *has* to be one of the all-time most
stereotypical acts in horror movies! Reach out and touch the
gem of evil! Brilliant idea!
> <<But with my power flowing inside your blood, you could finally
>destroy Sinvely and the world would praise you.>>
BRET <Emerald>: Not that I'm trying to tempt you into joining the forces of
darkness or anything...
>The crystal paused as Sonic did.
SAMANTHA: So they both paused simultaneously.
>If it had a face it would be grinning evilly right now. <<You
>have never tasted the powers of darkness have you Sonic Hedgehog?>>
MARK <doing his evil UT voice>: It has a surprisingly minty flavor.
NASH: Oh, come on Mark. You of all people should know that darkness is
just too SWEEET!
SAMANTHA: What is his *problem*?
BRET: Well, Nash has built his whole career off of being a goofball.
You can't blame him for never really stopping.
NASH: Hey! Thats the one true giant goofball to you. [to Samantha] And I
*am* a giant.
SAMANTHA: Baka, baka, *baka*...
>A dark
>mist started to gather around the room, if Sonic saw it, he paid no heed.
BRET: Probably because he's the one causing it.
NASH: Sonic is partaking of the happy plant...
>Sonic Shook his head shocked and somewhat interested. <<I didnt think so,
>by far this taste has been kept from you much too long Sonic Hedgehog.
> Let the darkness enter you and savor the flavor of it.>>
STEVE <Randy Savage>: The BEEFY, JUICY taste!
>The mist circled
>Sonic, bring strange ripples of ecstasy on him,
ALL: GYYYYYYAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!
BRET: Oh, my stomach...
SAMANTHA: Gonterman is co-writing this! I just know it!
>seeping deeply into his pores.
MARK: *That'll* cause blackheads.
>He made a low moaning sound and fell to one knee trying to retrain
>this strange growing pleasure tha t slowly aroused him.
SAMANTHA: I'm beginning to get this strange feeling as well...
BRET: I believe it's called an undeniable urge to kill the author or at
least hurt him a lot'.
SAMANTHA: Why... that's it exactly!!!
><<Yes Sonic, this
>is darkness. Do you now wonder why Robotnik, and Snively strive in doing
>their sins?>>
NASH: Man, I sinned my ass off at work today.
> "P. . . Please. . .take it away. . . .to intense. . . .to strange.
>. . please." Sonic begged.
NASH: ECW?
STEVE <Sonic>: Stop... taking away... all of my... o's...
>He felt so strange as the hand of evil touch
>him in ways he never felt before. It was arousing, energetic, and so
>pleasing to the mind.
NASH: Really, I would have thought Sally had taken care of that a long
time ago.
> <<I will not take it away sonic Realize your destiny, we can rule
>this world.>>
SAMANTHA <Darth Vader voice>: And we can rule the galaxy as father and
son!
>Sonic was now on his knees, wet and drenched from his body
>fluids and sweat.
NASH: Not touching it.
BRET [groaning]: Oh God, not ANOTHER furvert...
>He looked up at the Crystal and prayed to all of Mobius
>what he is about to do will be forgiven. . . .
ALL: [singing] And you'll be unforgiven, too...
>
>
>* * *
SAMANTHA [sees stars and eyes go red]: Three stars?!?! Three stars my
ass!
NASH [grinning at Samantha]: And what a sweet--
SAMANTHA [cutting Nash off by punching him in the face]: Don't.
> "Aunt Sally, how is Sonic doing?" Tails asked as she left Sonic's
>room.
NASH: Whoa! Tails had a sex change operation and nobody told us?!
> "Well Honey, Sonic was found just out of the Great Forest, I don't
>know how he managed to get here with the dehydration that happened to him,
MARK: I just hate it when I'm walking along, minding my own business,
and then I get dehydrated by somebody. Really ruins your day.
BRET: [shudders] Whoo. Tank Girl flashback.
STEVE: [stares at Bret] You actually WATCHED that?!
BRET: Uh... no. I mean I was told about it... yeah...
>but a few days rest and he'll be O.K."
SAMANTHA: Cue the ignorance!
> "what was that crystal he had in his backpack?"
ALL: A CRYSTAL, STUPID!
>Sally didnt reply
>to that immediately. "Aunt Sally? how did he get so dehydrated?" that
>question made Sally blush red.
STEVE: As opposed to blushing green.
>Tails had seen that blush before and
>almost immediately realized why.
SAMANTHA: So in other words, Tails had watched Sally and Sonic having
sex...
MARK: That's sure to warp a kid...
BRET: What are you doing? Going for next years' best Crow/Martaism?
SAMANTHA: Well... yeah.
>"Oh," he said shyly, Tails decided to
>drop that subject and back to the gem. "So what is the Crystal?"
> "We don't know yet Tails." Sally started to walk away. "Isn't it
>time for your lessons with Angela?"
NASH: Lessons of *love*!
BRET: Ew! Kevin, no!
> "Yeah."
> "Well, you better go, then after tell her I need to talk to her
>after."
NASH: Yeah, they're gonna have a private *chat*... if you know what I mean.
BRET: Actually, I'd rather not know...
NASH: Wuss.
>
>
>* * *
>
> "So Angela, is it what I think it is?" Squeaked Sally.
SAMANTHA: You had better put some oil on that.
>Angela took
>a close look into the crystal and gave a blank face.
MARK <Angela>: Here, have one on me.
>She tried to casts
>magic on it but it just bounced back.
SAMANTHA: BOING!
NASH: THWAP!
STEVE <Angela>: OW! MY EYE!
> "Interesting, so very interesting." She tapped on the Gem. "Sally
>I don't know. There was never a record of a Black Chaos Emerald. I cant
>be for certain if this is or isn't a CHAOS
BRET: INSANE!
>Emerald." She turned away. "I
>think only Sonic can tell us anything."
> "but He ez in ze Camera." Said Antoine.
[Upon hearing Antoine, the Guys all moan in pain.]
SAMANTHA: What?
MARK: Antoine is the Wesley Crusher of the 'Sonic the Hedgehog' series.
STEVE: More like the Richie Ryan. Only Antoine probably won't have the
decency to get killed.
> "Coma Antoine, Coma." replied Tails.
SAMANTHA: Considering the spelling thus far, does anyone here recognize
the irony of bad spelling being corrected?
> "Perhaps if I go back to my village and ask around, perhaps I can
>find someone who knows of this Emerald. I shall return freedom fighters."
>Angela Chanted and disappeared into a yellow light.
NASH: Big deal. Let's see her do a jack-knife powerbomb.
BRET: Kevin, *Sable* can do your *oh-so-devastating* finishing move.
NASH: Shut up. Oh, wait a minute. Sable? Saaaaaay......
SAMANTHA: Easily distracted, huh? I'll have to remember that.
> "I wish she would teach me that spell." whispered tails. No
>sooner were his words spoken that Bunny rushed in with a worried look on
>her face.
SAMANTHA <Bunny>: Ah just found out that we're trapped in a horrible
fanfic!
> "Y'all better come quick! Sugar-Hog's Going wild!"
STEVE: Hog Wild?
NASH: No, Road Wild.
SAMANTHA: Shh! You're only supposed to use that name when the two of you
are alone!
>* * *
>
> "Let me Go!! Let me Go!! Don't make me kill you!" Sonic screamed
>out to Rotor who held him down in the bed.
SAMANTHA: A Yaoi scene? Already?
[Mark and Bret wretch at the thought]
NASH: Do you know what they're talking about?
STEVE: No, and I don't want to.
> "Easy Sonic! Calm down! your back at KnotHole!" Rotar tried to
>calm Sonic down
BRET <singing>: Ro-tar, of the Hill People...
>but only seemed to agitate him more. Sally and the others
>arrived in time to see them struggling.
NASH <Sally>: Sonic! I thought I was your one and only!
BRET: [punches Nash in the head] No! That's so wrong!
> "Sonic! Sonic calm down!" Sally told him.
> "Sally! Make him let me go! I need to get my backpack!" He
>struggled more.
> "Why?!"
MARK <Sonic>: I've got Calculus homework!
> "Please Bring me my backpack!" Tears Started to form in Sonic's
>eyes. Sally saw this and started to worry.
SAMANTHA: Crying? There's no crying in Sega!
> "Tails go get his backpack."
NASH <Sally>: Let's give the little *baby* his *precious* crystal.
> "Yes Aunt Sally" moments later tails returned with Sonic's
>backpack. Sonic snatches its greedily from his paws.
SAMANTHA <Sonic>: Damn greedily, always clinging onto my hands!
> He tore it open and
>looked in, his eyes darkened.
NASH: His body shriveled, he turned into dust, Sonic was dead.
> "No!! where is it?! where is my Emerald!?" He screeched.
STEVE: Sonic is channeling Chris Jericho!
SAMANTHA: For God's sake, Sonic, cut down on the coffee!!!
> "I have it Sonic," Whispered sally. Sonic glared at her
>hatefully.
BRET <babyish>: I want my binky!
>"to observe it, we didnt know how you ended up the way you
>did,
NASH: He was doing the nasty with himself, remember?
BRET: Gah... thank you for reminding me...
>we thought perhaps the Emerald was the key. Where did you get it."
> "Give me the Emerald back. . ." Sonic croaked.
MARK: I see Sonic is a long-time smoker.
NASH: He's dead. Let's go!
BRET: It's not over yet...
>"It holds the Key to killing Snively."
> "what do you mean?"
> "Trust me Sally. . . I have plans."
BRET <doctor from The Brain that Wouldn't Die>: Plans... lots of
plans... Did I mention I had plans?
>* * *
>
>< Nine Days Later>
SAMANTHA: A vigilante and four wrestlers were *still* stuck in space
reading fanfics.
STEVE: And boy, are they pissed.
> "HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE?!" Snively Snarled.
NASH [snickering]: That's like saying 'Tenay commanded'.
>Sally, Sonic, Tails,
>Antoine, Rotor, Bunny, and Dulcy dispatched his SWATbot's with ease.
>Sonic slowly advanced on him.
[ALL whistle Clint Eastwood showdown theme]
> "Well Snively, your time is over at last.....now... are you ready
STEVE: Break it down!
[Everyone except Bret and Samantha start doing the Degeneration X theme]
>to die?"
> "You wouldn't dare kill me hedgehog. . ."
> "Wouldn't I?" Sonic darted to him and backhanded him hard. A
>powerful force filled that blow, Snively went flying into the wall. Sonic
>laughed a strange demonic laugh. It brought chills to the others.
[ALL shiver]
SAMANTHA: I think the air-conditioning needs to be turned down.
> "Sonic don't hurt him anymore he must stand trial. For the sake
BRET <Sally>: --that we're gonna drink when we roast his ass.
MARK: I don't think he was talking about rice wine...
>of justice." Said Sally. Sonic glared at her then at Snively.
> "your justice is nothing to me Sally. . .
BRET <Sonic>: In fact, your justice can bite me!
>Nothing. Once he is
>dead I can take control." Sonic Grinned evilly his eyes almost glowing
>with a red evil light.
MARK: Sonic the Hedgehog, Star Child.
SAMANTHA <Dr. Forrester>: I'm the god! I'M THE GOD!!! BWAHAHAHA!!!
> "Sonic . . . what did you say?" Sally was shocked at what she
>heard.
STEVE <Sally>: Did you go and become evil, Sonic?
> "You heard me Sally, I have plans, and the first one is killing
>this bastard and ruling. With you by my side Sally. The rest of you my
>followers and close command."
> "Sonic, are you crazy, the right of the rule goes to the King of
>Acorn, my father. . ."
BRET: Who is brother of the King of Walnut, who's the brother of the King
of Pine, who's the brother of the Queen of Almond, who's sister to the King
of Pistachio...
NASH: Bret, would you get off the nuts already?
[A few moments after hearing this, Steve turns green and falls out of his
chair, moaning in agony]
STEVE: Horrible image... in head... make it stop, please...
> "He isn't here is he Sally. . .
NASH <Sonic>: So he can bite me, too!
>You'd have to take control.... oh
>I'm sure you wouldn't want that. . ."
BRET <Sonic>: You *woman*.
>he sneered, he picked up Snively and
>spit in his eye, again he threw him. Snively cried out and backed away
>gasping, tasting blood leaking from his mouth.
SAMANTHA: As opposed to the other wounds on his body.
MARK: So Snively tastes with his chin...
>"Yes. . .Snively, fear me,
>that look of fear in your eyes, god its so intoxicating....show me more of
>that fear." Sonic picked him up and snarled.
STEVE: Characterization, folks! Don't you love it? Don't you *miss* it
right now?
SAMANTHA: Down, boy, down!!!
NASH: Why is Sonic sounding like a 'Penthouse' letter?
> "Sonic! Put him down! what are you doing!?" Tails screamed, He
>threw his hand up in the air and pointed to Sonic, a blast of Light shot
>from them and slammed into Sonic.
SAMANTHA: The hell...? Has Piccolo been giving free lessons again?
BRET: Yet another sad example of Sonic the Hegehog fanfiction
inbreeding. Someone wrote a perfectly good story where Tails
became a sorceror, and it got turned into *this*.
>He just glared at tails and threw
>Snively at him.
> "SO! you don't like it either eh? heheheh very well. . . does
>anyone wish to join me as I take control?" there was no answer, no sound
>either but the sound of Antoine's blade being drawn.
GUYS: KILL ANTOINE! KILL ANTOINE!
>"I see. . . .then
>you have created your own fates.
NASH: After all, there's no fate but what we make.
>Feel the pow er of the Black Chaos
>Emerald!"
SAMANTHA: Watch as it fouls up any chance of decent writing and grammar!
STEVE: As it twists a well loved character into a heartless bastard!
BRET: And as it sends us further into the realm of insanity!
>Sonic back away from them and laughed again, a sudden dark
>feeling engulfed him, his body began to metamorphosed, his quills became
>as dark as night, his eyes lost their once loving look, changed into a
>soulless glare. A g ray smoke emitted from his now sinical looking body,
>the rose his hands and an explosion of Fire became. . . .
MARK: A shameless rip-off of me.
BRET: Sonic's pulling a Kain and becoming a vampire.
STEVE: Nobody's plunged a sword into his chest yet.
BRET: Wishful thinking...
SAMANTHA: Became what? <sarcastic> Oh, come on! Don't leave us in
suspense!
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>Chapter 1: Blacken City
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
STEVE: That's what I hear the new Crow movie is going to be called.
>
>
> A small baby rabbits
SAMANTHA: Whoa! Looks like there's been another transporter accident.
BRET: Rabbit? As in...
STEVE & BRET: PIPPKIN? NOOOOOOO!
>came out of the market and walked towards the
>middle sidewalk. The grimy sidewalk was covered in oil and slime from
>decrepit air. She looked up at the red and black sky,
BRET: OH MY GOD!!! Kane's out!
MARK: He will be when I'M done.
> hover crafts flew
>above with a loud humming. she shivered an d continued south to her part
>of town, the bad side.
MARK: Wuss. Try walkin' on the Dark Side in Death Valley.
SAMANTHA: When a city is called *The Black City*, you kinda figure that
there is no bad side to it.
>How she hated to enter here, were your life could
>end in a few seconds.
SAMANTHA: And your spelling quickly followed.
>A pack of four wolfs gazed at her and grinned,
NASH: Hey, it's Konnan! And Luger! And Savage! And Henning! My *boys*!
They be bowdy-bowdy and rowdy rowdy!
MARK: Of *course* they are.
>she
>half wondered if they would rape her or eat her . . . .
NASH: Okay, maybe that's not my boys. 'Cept Konnan. That little tortilla
has a record!
>she came to the
>conclu sion they would most likely do both.
STEVE: Didn't anyone ever tell them not to play with their food?
>She walked faster, not
>knowing this only flared the excitement for wolfs who now were following
>her.
BRET: Oh no no NO...
SAMANTHA: I do not like where this is going...
>She turned back slightly and saw them advancing on her, she let out
>a scream and began to run.
MARK: Because that *always* works so well.
>They gave chase wit h much glee in their eyes,
>the rabbits
SAMANTHA: After all, she did go through that freak transporter
accident...
>already dropped her packages and ran into an alley, she gasped
>to see walls blocking her escape. She started to double back but the
>wolfs had already cornered her. "Please. . .don't do this."
> "But you see...." spoke one of the wolfs "We're a might hungry.
NASH: Well pass da crupmets ol' boy, what, what?
>Were also a few other things.
STEVE: Like plungers and bedpans and ball peen hammers and spackle.
>Don't worry we'll be 'gentle'" the four
>wolfs cackled. One grabbed the rabbit and threw her to the floor,he
>started forcing her legs apart
STEVE: AIIIIIIIGGH!
SAMANTHA: STOP! STOP! STOP! STOP! STOP!!!
MARK: Good God. This is EVIL!
NASH: Kefka, man, this is just plain wrong!
BRET: And we thought *Oscar* was bad...
MARK [glowering darkly]: Paul Bearer must be a part of this! Well, if he
WANTS TO STEP INTO THE MOUTH OF THE DRAGON [stands up in his chair.
Lightning bolts, creepy music and druids appear.]
BRET: MARK! Quit that!
MARK: Oh, you're no fun. [The druids blow out their torches and
dejectedly walk out of the theatre.]
SAMANTHA: I miss Marta right now. I actually *miss* Marta...
>when there came a loud howl, but not from
>one of their kind.
STEVE: It was the *real* Wolfpac, coming to kick their asses!
>From atop a building dropped a tall mid-build two
>tailed fox, he wore dark gray and black armor.
GUYS <flatly>: Gee, we wonder who it is.
SAMANTHA: Oh great, Kintobor just went Gotham on us.
> "Leave the girl be. . ." he spoke. "leave her be or answer to
>me."
[NASH does his patented oooh-I'm-so-scared' move, putting his wrists up
to his chest and twiddling his fingers at the screen]
BRET: [singing] Leave her be or answer to me, then I'll drag your ass up
a tree, and then when you think you will be free I'll stuff your stomach
full of bees...
STEVE: Uh... Bret, you alright buddy?
BRET: [smacks himself] Sorry, don't know what came over me.
SAMANTHA: Don't worry. Evil fics do that to a person.
>he drew his gray blade and grinned. The wolfs backed away, they only
>had daggers not even a reach unlike the blade this fox held.
BRET: It's a linguistic model of a train wreck!
> "You win for now Gray Fox, but I will be back. . ."
MARK: Cause I'm evil and stuff so I'll be back ha ha I'm evil.
>roared the
>leader, he pointed to his friends and they left them. Gray Fox turned
>back to the rabbit and helped her up.
> "Are you O.K.?" he whispered.
STEVE <Tails, whispering>: We have to be verrry verry quiet. I'm
hunting for... uh, never mind.
>She nodded, holding on to him for
>balance. "Uhh my name is Miles, Miles Prowers,
ALL: BIG STINKING SURPRISE!!
>my friends call me
>'Tails'" the girl stepped back and stared at him.
SAMANTHA <girl>: Oh my god! Look what the author did to you!
> "So....you are the wanted one?" she nearly collapsed from
>disbelief
MARK <girl>: Who booked this crap?
>"You are the one the leader wants to destroy? One of the
>original Freedom Fighters?" Tails nodded.
NASH <Tails>: Granted, I was only the token hostage...
>"ohmygod, why are you in the
>city? you could be killed!"
> "I come around her to help a few people, I stay on the roofs to
>keep a low profile,
SAMANTHA <sarcastic>: Smart move, genius.
>I just gotta worry about the Hover Crafts, and the Old
>'Evil Eyes'"
> "You mean the Spy units?" Tails nodded again. "thank you for
>saving me."
> "Just was near by.
BRET <Tails>: You know, waiting for my plot contrivance.
>I recommend you get back to wherever it is you
>were heading. Do you need some help getting there?"
> "No. . .I'm O.K., really I am.
STEVE <girl>: Nearly got raped? No big deal! I just laugh it off! Ha!
>Thank you so much...." she started
>to walk away when he called out, she turned around and he threw her a
>pouch filled with SonCoins, she smiled at him and walked away.
MARK: Leaving the coins behind.
>Tails
>holstered his blade again
SAMANTHA: And put his gun back in its scabbard.
>and looked up, he twi rled his tails and hovered
>back onto the roof, thinking of what Antoine's gonna say once he tells
em
[The Guys moan in disgust]
BRET: Sonic manages to kill everybody *except* Antoine. He must be
protected by some kind of weenie field.
STEVE: Sort of like Bisch, Jericho and Taka.
>that he just gave all his hard earned SonCoins too some girl.
SAMANTHA: Head... spinning... from... run-on... sentence....
>
>* * *
>
> "Are your crazy?!" Screamed Antoine,
NASH: Wait a minute. Where's his stupid accent?
>Tails had met him in part of
>the great forest just outside of the city, Antoine was shaking with anger.
SAMANTHA: Careful, you're gonna fall apart.
BRET: No no, that's a good thing.
> "Tails of all the things to do! I mean giving her half would have been
>O.K., but all of it?! what are we gonna d o without money?"
SAMANTHA: Break into wherever you want and take whatever you want?
STEVE: How did they *get* money, anyway?
> "Ummm go hungry?"
> "Some Leadership skills you have Tails," Antoine sat down and laid
>back on a tree. "Oh well, fasting I'm sure will be great."
> "You need it T'wan," Chuckled Tails.
> "Hey, its Tony not T'wan.
MARK <Antoine>: I'm *Italian* now.
>that ended when Sonic took over. Just
>like the old accent, and tupie"
BRET: We're supposed to believe that Antoine talked like a moron and had
that irritating accent just for the hell of it? WHAT?!
SAMANTHA: You know, I would wonder about the change of characters if I
knew anything about them. Plus I'm wondering what the heck is a 'tupie'.
> "I wonder if we can blame the Chaos Emerald or Sonic Himself."
STEVE: *Somebody's* harboring a bit of envy against a certain blue
hedgehog...
BRET: You forget, he's "as dark as night" now.
STEVE: I didn't forget. I'm trying to put this fanfic out of mind.
> "Gee that's hard. . .the emerald isn't even in control of him."
> "But it planted the seed of evil in his soul"
> "There you go again with that seed thing, Angela really did get to
>you huh?"
SAMANTHA: Especially about the *planting* part...
NASH: Bomp-chicka-bomp-wow...
> "If it wasn't for her I wouldn't have been able to get you out of
>there alive."
STEVE: DAMN YOU, ANGELA!
> "true, sonic did kinda lose it that day huh?"
> "well killing bunny, Rotor, Snively and Dulcy. . .yeah I think
>so."
NASH <Tails>: I mean, after all, if he had just killed Snively it would've
been normal. But he actually killed our *friends*. Shame really.
> "Your forgetting the Princess..."
> "You know he didnt kill her,"
> "She's his slave, and you know what he does to her everyday. .
MARK <grimly>: He makes her listen to Hanson.
[The others wince at the thought]
>.I'd say he killed her soul, if not her body. The princess will never
>live a normal life again." Antoine looked down.
> "Neither will we Tony."
SAMANTHA: And neither will we...
>* * *
>
>
> Later that night the two foxes returned to their hideaway, tails
>called it "KnotHole 2" seeing how instead of it being an upper ground
>hideaway it was below, deep enough where none of Sonic's tracers could
>ever find them and the fact that it looked much like Knothole use to
>before Sonic destroyed it.
BRET: HOLD IT! First off, I don't see how a friggin' cavern could look
like an idyllic forest village! Second off, I refuse to believe that
Sonic not ONLY screwed up killing Antoine, but that it hasn't occured to
him to just burn down the friggin' Great Forest -- especially since HE
hid out there as a resistance fighter!
STEVE: You know what Eric said about thinking about the story...
SAMANTHA: It appears that Sonic has also destroyed the author's ability
to stop using run-on sentences.
>Tails retired to his room and quickly went to
>bed, feeling a tad bit ill at the fumes he inhaled in Sonitroplis.
NASH: He knew he should have drunk first, and then sniffed because that
grants a greater buzz...
> He fell into a deep sleep and a dream of the past began to form. . .
SAMANTHA: Into a delightful chocolate sundae!
>
>
> << "sonic your can be serious!"
BRET <Sonic>: What did I tell you about staring at my can?
> Tails cried out. "You killed them!
>you killed all of them!"
NASH: I'd say that's pretty serious.
> "Indeed little brother, now its your turn" Sonic advanced, but
>stopped dead cold.
STEVE: Austin's making a cameo?
BRET: That's *dead* cold not *stone* cold.
MARK: *I'm* dead cold.
> "Unless...." tails uncovered his eyes and looked at
>him.
> "Unless?"
> "Unless you join me,
SAMANTHA <Darth Vader>: Join me, Luke.
>you are one of the greatest magician that has
>ever walked upon Mobius,
MARK: So Tails is a Tim Hunter rip-off.
>with the new found power of mine and your we can
>crush the foolish Guardians and take what should be the most powerful
>beings rights to own! The Chaos Emeralds Ta ils! think of the power ! we
>can rule this world with fear to all!"
NASH: Fear to all, and a plague in every garage!
>Sonic cackled again, he stared at tails.
SAMANTHA: Okay, I was suspicious at first, but now I'm positive. This is
a *direct* rip off of the whole Anakin Skywalker turning into Darth
Vader storyline.
> "Sonic, why? why have you killed them all? why are you doing these
>insane acts?" Sonic's eyes darkened.
BRET <Sonic>: I'm evil, kid! Get used to it!
>"Please don't do this Anymore
>sonic."
> "Your a fool like the rest of them Fox, prepare to die like the
>rest then." Sonic threw a bolt of lightning at him, but a strange force
>blocked it,
SAMANTHA: My god! It's a plot device!
>from a white portal appeared Angela, Tails guardian.
STEVE: Oh, look, it's the *Antoine-saver*.
[The guys boo loudly at the screen]
> "Go Tails! I shall take care of this hedgehog"
> "But Angela! please !!"
> "Go!! and take the only survivers!" She pointed to Antoine, Tails
>nodded and picked him up. he remembered dragging Antoine out of the room
STEVE: Maybe Kefka isn't all bad: He's showing Antoine as a lazy bum who
can't run for himself... oh who am I kidding, this is terrible!
>and down to the hangar where their means of escape lied ready for take
>off, when he heard a scream of pain, a fema les scream and the laughter of
>Sonic. He and Antoine escaped barley,
NASH: Thank God! Those grains can be a real bitch.
>tears gushing from Tails eyes, he
>knew she was dead.
SAMANTHA: After all, he did have that Ph.D. from medical school.
>They landed in the great forest, he dragged Antoine
>back to Knothole and had the others look at him, but there wasn't much
>time fo r anything another light blasted from Robotropis and headed
>towards~~>>
MARK: -- A gaping hole in the plot.
>
>
> "Tails wake up! I have some interesting news to tell you!
>something that might help us!" Antoine banged on his door, Tails woke up
>and sighed, glad he didnt have to relive it again.
SAMANTHA: But we certainly did!
>* * *
>
> "So where did this information come from?" Tails ask Antoine.
> "Our spies. Knuckles, he found out and decided that he should go
>after it, that perhaps he could cause this horror to end."
> "How? by taking the Stones?"
> "No, by killing Sonic." Tails mouth dropped open.
[ALL Push Tail's jaw back in]
> "No! he cant! Sonic played a part in this timeline! if he kills
>him the Sinvely might go on ruling and we might die!"
BRET: Ummm... sure. Did that make sense to anyone?
> "Zut Alor! You are right! Damnation, how are we gonna get Knuckles
>to stop?"
SAMANTHA: You could hit the pause button.
> "We are gonna have to go after him." Tails thought for a moment.
>"You said he's going to the Little Planet?"
> "Yes, the Time Stones are kept under heavy guard by Sonic's
>SWATbots. Leave it to Sonic to have destroyed this wonderful planet and
>chain another to it."
STEVE: Sonic's got some really weird hobbies.
BRET: How many laws of physics does doing that break?
> "He's like Robotnik incarnate eh?"
> "Worst, in my opinion I would rather have Robotnik there then
>Sonic, at least Robotnik took killing as a last resort." Ant smile
BRET: Yeah, all Robotnik did was turn your friends into robotic zombies,
forced to walk forever and ever... that's MUCH better than death!
>slightly "sides at least we can take Robotnik out if we ever got to him
>alone, Sonic is a different matter entirely."
> "Whyyyy Antoine. . .are you developing a grudging respect for
>Sonic?"
SAMANTHA <Antoine>: No! That's just the way I'm being written by the
damn author!
> "me!? Yeah right. . . .uhhh do you think we should get ready for
>tomorrow trip to the Little Planet?"
NASH <Tails>: Nah.
> "Yeah, its best."
>
>
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>Chapter 2: Steel and Snare
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SAMANTHA [standing up and taking out sword]: Snare the author with
steel? Why, certainly...
MARK [gently sets Samantha back down]: Uh... no.
> Sonic sat upon his dark colored throne and thought for a moment.
SAMANTHA: Yeah, we could see the smoke pouring out of your ears.
>The room was black and very musty, somewhat seems like a fires had died
>out. He looked up at his hired help and smiled peering at certain part of
>her.
STEVE: Her elbow!
>"So then," he got up and dusted off his purple and black cape.
SAMANTHA: Oh yeah, all evil villains *have* to have a cape. It's so tres
chique.
> "Will you take this simple job? after all its good pay." he smiled darkly at
>her. The girl started to come into the dim light,
BRET: Jeez, you think the ruler of all Mobius could afford some light
bulbs!
>her pink quills drooped
>down over her red cape, she wore a purple shirt and light gray pants, her
>bo ots were black and green-blue socks.
SAMANTHA: Yuck! Talk about ugly color cooridination.
>She nodded, "Very good, now, I
>know you wont do it for pennies tell me what's your price."
NASH <Sonya>: That's fifty bucks an hour, a hundred if you want me to
act enthusiastic. Oral sex and kinky stuff is extra.
BRET: NASH!!
> "You know what I want Sonic, you have the blade Magic of Mobius,
>It's been an heir loom in my fathers family for generations, I want it
>back and I want it now."
NASH <whiny Sonya>: I want it now! Now! I'm gonna hold my breath if you
don't!
> "Perhaps I shall give it to you, but I want the heads of Tails and
>Antoine first, on a bloody pike."
GUYS: KILL ANTOINE! KILL ANTOINE!
>She glared at him. "That's right, kill
>them and bring them here, I trust that isn't a difficult job for the
>Huntress Sonya."
SAMANTHA: That had better not be *Red* Sonja!!!
> "I'm a Treasure Hunter Sonic, I don't kill unless I have too."
> "Treasure Hunter. . .ha! you sound like that foolish Human of
>Legends Locke Cole."
SAMANTHA: Cue the shameless FF3 reference!
MARK: Not to mention *pointless*...
> "I modeled part of myself after him." she grinned.
STEVE <Sonya>: Just try and guess *which* part!
>"He kicked the
>butt of the tyrant of yore Kefka, So I guess I'm the Locke and your The
>Kefka." Sonic sneered at her.
SAMANTHA <Huntress Sonya>: Uh... Sonic? Are you going to start brushing?
Your teeth are getting a tad yellow.
> "Get Going Treasure Hunter, Red Claw that pesky echidna was
>heading North East towards the Great lake, most likely he is heading for
>the Little Planet."
> "Anything special there that he wants?"
> "Yes but its well guarded under my mirror images Self."
> "Mecha-Sonic?"
NASH <Sonic>: No, Mecha-Godzilla.
> "Correct, Best beware not to cross him. I'll send a message to
>him so he will not attack you, to a point that is. Try anything funny
>like getting those Stones and you will pay."
SAMANTHA <Sonic>: And it'll take more then your Visa card can handle.
> "Ohhh I wouldn't think of it Sire." She bowed and headed for the
>door. Sonic's eyes flashed red.
BRET: Visine will clear that right up.
STEVE: [turns to Samantha] Hey, he can do the same trick you can!
SAMANTHA: Yeah, whatever.
> "Wench, Sally where are you!" He screamed.
NASH: So he has a wench *AND* Sally to service him. Kinky.
BRET: NASH!
> Sally Entered in her tattered clothing.
BRET: Can't the ruler of all Mobius even afford to buy his consort some
decent clothes?!
>She gazed at him and bowed.
> "Yes sire?"
> "Bring yourself to me."
MARK <Sonic>: Get your ass over here!
>Sonic went back to his throne, she stood
>near him and looked deep into his eyes. The pupiless gaze brought chills
>to her body. "Tails has eluted me often hasn't he?"
SAMANTHA: Oh please... Don't let this scene go there.
> ". . .Y...Yes Sire." she whispered, expecting a blow, but it never
>came.
> "Not this time, the plan is in motion, and there's no stopping it
>now...." Sonic looked between her legs.
STEVE: He didn't see anything there, because she's anatomically incorrect.
>"Soon I'll even have an heir to
>my throne" He patted her stomach, again Sally shivered. "After our little
>'Celebrations' your most likely pregnant."
NASH <singing>: Ce-le-brate good times! Come on!
>Sally turned away from him
>her own eyes filled with a hateful look. he called it a celebration, she
>called it rape.
SAMANTHA: And we call this fanfic torture.
> "Might I acquire how M'lord will kill the Gray Fox?"
> "A Bounty Hunter of unnatural powers is after him, Sonya Sho, I
>belive her name is, daughter of Robotnik."
> "Your sister?"
BRET: WHAT?! Sonic the *Hedgehog* is Robotnik the *human's* SON? How the
hell did that happen? Has this author ever even *seen* the cartoon?
> "Yes. She will do her job well, if she ever wants her Blade of
>Mobius magic back."
SAMANTHA: Just type in some game genie codes and you won't have to worry
about a thing.
BRET: Get with the times, a game shark is the way to go.
SAMANTHA: They never made a game shark for the genesis.
BRET: Oh... yeah.
> "Your horrible....sending Sonya, one of Tails old childhood
>friends to destroy him." She whispered out. He grinned an evil lewd
>smile.
MARK: Hiring bounty hunters is *so* erotic...
BRET: Not *you* too!
MARK: Note that I'm being tasteful.
NASH: Well, that's no fun.
> "Aren't I. . . perhaps this will prove to be his Ultimate
>Undoing!" He cackled twistedly.
ALL <monotone>: Ha, ha, ha, ha...
>* * *
>
>
> "Err To quote my old self Tails, 'I am to be thinking that perhaps
>we not should be doing this.'"
SAMANTHA: Is that the author speaking?
STEVE: Probably not.
SAMANTHA: Damn.
> "For once your quote is correct bud, but we have to do this or
>die,
BRET: Could you just die? It would make the story a lot shorter.
>sides this might actually help us if we can find the time Stones."
>Tails has equipped his armor again and waited for Antoine to finish
>putting on his.
SAMANTHA: You had better have those back by four. The Knight Sabers will
want them.
>Ant placed his white leather shir t on, his brown leather
>pants,
MARK: Antoine doesn't *wear* pants.
STEVE: Shhh... pants are better than nothing.
>his black shoulder pads, and picked up his cutlass blade. The
>yellow handle shinned brightly, as the day it was forged. he put it in
>the brown hoisted and stepped out.
BRET: Yeah, I'd expect Antoine to love earth tones.
> "Well, I'm ready you have the meal rations? just in case we don't
>find the typical Chile dog stand in the forbidden planet?"
NASH: Chile dogs, the South American taste sensation!
> "Yup I got 'em" now shall we be off?
SAMANTHA: Okay! [gets up to leave]
MARK: Not us.
SAMANTHA [sits back down]: Damn.
> "but of course, Sides who knows where Knuckles is now...wonder if
>he knows that island is forbidden?"
STEVE: Wasn't it a planet a few lines ago?
BRET: This is a story that you *really* shouldn't think about.
>
>
>* * *
>
>
> Indeed did Knuckle know that this island was forbidden he took
>care not to be seen by the SWATbots, his black ninja like jump suit
>pressed tightly against his muscles.
SAMANTHA: If another FF3 reference is made, then it'll probably be about
Knuckles playing Shadow.
>The black mask shifted slightly as
>he grinned, SWATbots were everywhere, but most f acing away from him.
NASH: Great. Those SWATbots will probably be about as effective as
Stormtroopers.
>Palm Tree Panic was the first zone he had to cross to get even remotely
>inside the planet. <<so. . . those great buncha tin head think they can
>beat the great Red Claw eh? they couldn't beat me when I was Knuckles.>>
>he thought
SAMANTHA: Which was a first for him.
BRET: Ouch.
SAMANTHA: I'm very bitter.
><<wh at makes 'em think they....oh that's right they cant
>think. . .heh...well I better go beat some sense into them!>> Knuckles
>laughed and leaped from the tree he was in to the closes SWATbots head,
>smashing it to a pulp.
MARK: *Metal* pulp.
>He turned to the rest and showed hi s shinny red
>metal claws. They started to to fire at him but Red Claw was to fast, he
>dodged to the side and took refuge behind a tree, the lasers ripped part
>of the trunk,
SAMANTHA: And then through it and through Knuckles, killing him dead.
STEVE: So what's on RAW?
>Knuckles slammed his claws into it and push against it, it
>started to collapses a nd right atop of the bots. Knuckles dusted himself
>off and laughed. "Well onto the next section, I'm surrrrrrre I'll have
>company there."
ALL: [singing] And three's company too...
>
>
>* * *
>
>
> Antoine and Tails had reached Palm Tree panic only hours after
>Knuckles had left it. the wreckage was quite noticeable.
NASH: Hey, look! Wreckage!
>They smiled
>slightly happy that at least nothing living was killed.
STEVE: Not noticing all the flora that was destroyed in the battle...
> They crossed the
>terrain with ease and entered the portal to th e well known Collision
>Chaos Zone,
BRET: So well known that none of us have ever heard of it before!
>the place glew brightly with neon lights, Tails saw bots at
>the distance fighting something, but he couldn't tell what. "do you think
>that's Knuckles?"
SAMANTHA: Not Knuckles, but an incredible simulation.
> "Perhaps, but there's no real way of telling unless we haul tail."
> "Might be too late, maybe I should go ahead."
> "Go then hurry to see if it is Knuckles." Tails nodded and flew
>up, he quickly headed toward the place to see, only to discover it was a
>young strange looking mammal, she was a light peach colored fur, her hair
>was light sky blue, and she wore a pink out fit, she screamed and kicked
>as the SWATbots started to drag her away.
MARK: The mother of all run-on sentences!
>Tails stopped in mid-flight and
>started to chant,
GUYS: ROCKY SUCKS!! ROCKY SUCKS!!
>he uttered some sort of phrase and screamed out.
> "Mertron!!" a wave of magical fire burn and scorched the bots to
>sunder. The girl looked up at him and smiled slightly.. "Are you O.K.?"
SAMANTHA: Oh god! The author *is* ripping off FF3!
> "Yes I am, thank you uhh...."
> "My names Miles, but people call me Tails for obvious reasons."
STEVE <Tails>: I've got the hottest ass on all Mobius!
NASH: Good one!
>The girl looked behind him and grinned.
> "Gee wonder why....well my name is Locy Hottovy." Tails looked at
>her closely, she wore a tightly outfit and looked something like a koala.
SAMANTHA: I know that Gonterman is lurking in the background somewhere,
giving sexy creature advice.
> "Uhh excuse me for asking but....what are you?"
> "oh, I'm half koala, half wolf, and half Echidna. I'm what Sonic
>creates in his spare time. I'm a tubie."
BRET: Sonic *does* have some weird hobbies.
>Tails backed away.
> "So your working for him eh?"
> "Well I have to, in fact my mission is to find a Echidna name
>Knuckles. My prime programming is search and kill."
SAMANTHA <Tubie>: But we can still be friends, right?
> "Do you honestly think you can kill Knuckles the well known
>assassin named Red Claw?"
> "I must try, or Sonic will kill me, I don't really want to kill
>him, he has done nothing to me."
> "then forget it,"
> "there will be no place I can hide against Sonic's wrath."
BRET: Not to be mistaken for the wrath of Kahn.
ALL: KAAAAHHHNNN!!!
STEVE: Had to do that at least once.
> "I'll protect you!"
> "Who do you think you are to try and overrule the order of the
>Dark one Sonic?"
> "I'm not a Light one but I'm not a Dark One,
MARK <Tails>: I'm sort of a Biege One.
STEVE: It's pretty obvious he's not Greg Williams.
>I am the Gray one.
>actually the name is Gray fox, cause of the armor and all."
SAMANTHA <Tails>: Stupid idiots at the armor shop didn't have the coat
of paint I wanted.
> "Ahhh so you are Great fox, you were once comrade with Lord
>Sonic."
> "I was extremely close to his highness.
STEVE <Tails>: I kinda got glued to his back.
>I'm now his worst enemy
>for 9 years." Locy remained quiet for sometime, until she looked at Tails
>again.
SAMANTHA: So it took him a year to figure out if Sonic was an enemy or
not.
> "I shall join, might I ask where are you heading?"
> "We also are trying to find Knuckles to stop him from using the
>Time Stone to kill Sonic."
> "Wont that change the time line of our planet?"
> "Yup that's why we gotta stop him."
NASH: Exactly how would changing the timeline be a *bad* thing?
BRET: Because doing so could disrupt the space/time continuum, sending all
of reality spinning into oblivion. Or it could just split everything into
alternate realities.
STEVE: How many times have I told you to stay away from Back to the Future
and Star Trek?
BRET: Not enough.
>He held out his hands to the
>girl, Locy took them and was lifted up. "Your light as a feather aren't
>you?"
SAMANTHA <Locy>: Ultra Slim-Fast really works!
> "It comes from being a tubie, you don't eat to much."
BRET <Locy>: In fact, we're all anorexic!
>Tails flew
>Locy back to Antoine where he introduced her and chatted a little more on
>the whereabouts of Knuckles. They decided to go west past Tidal Tempest
>and into Quartz Quadrant.
SAMANTHA: What quaint, cute, little names...
UV: Sad thing is these are level names in actual sonic games.
BRET: Look, you stick to writing and we'll stick to riffing, alright?
UV: Alright, fine. [grumbles] Ingrates...
>* * *
>
>
> Sonya hoofed it over to Palm Tree panic and noticed the
>destruction and wondered who had done it. She inspected a fallen tree and
>saw sharp looking knuckle like prints. She smiled slightly and followed
>the direction of chaos.
MARK: ... heading towards the eventual heat death of the universe.
>As she did so she started
> to fall into the old memory lane. . .
STEVE: As opposed to the *new* memory lane?
SAMANTHA: [singing] Memories, at the corner of my mind...
>
> << "Knuckles you know how much I love you, its not my fault that I
>care for Tails as much as I do you."
NASH <singing>: Torn between two lovers...
>Sonya looked at the lord of the
>floating island and slowly silently started to cry.
> "Sonya I cannot stay, the island needs protection, and I must be
>there for it." Knuckles looked at his island. "Please come with me. Bring
>Tails if you need to."
SAMANTHA: Oh, a threesome. Kinky.
NASH: A girl after my own heart!
EVERYONE ELSE: AHH!!!
BRET: Don't *do* that!
SAMANTHA: Sorry. It slipped out.
> "I cant ask him to leave all his friends. I know he wont, oh
>please knuckles. . ." Knuckles shook his head, his eyes showing his
>yearning to be with her. "I'm so sorry Sonya,"
MARK: I'd just like to take the opportunity to point out that there's no
real reason why Sonya couldn't just live on the Floatng Island and visit
her friends whenever she wanted to. Thank you.
> "Ohh Knuckles, why must I be cursed with you, my father had to
>torture me with the gift of life."
STEVE: Bitch, bitch, bitch! Nothing's good enough for you, is it?
BRET: So, her father tortured her with water.
STEVE: Gift of life, not the gift that *brings* life.
>she lost all her dignity at that point
>and broke down. "damn him, damn you knuckles....damn myself for loving
>you and Tails so much."
SAMANTHA <Sonya voice>: Stupid emotions. God, I hate them!
> "This island is a home for hundreds of animals Sonya, my duty
>calls me, as much as I wish I can forget it, I cannot....my fathers wish
>must be honored."
> "My father, Robotnik wished me to help him destroy you and the
>freedom fighters, instead I didnt and became your friend, and what I
>thought was more then friendship." she croaked out.
NASH <Knuckles>: No, that was just cheap sex.
>Knuckles turned away,
>feeling a tear in his eye. "I broke it cause I loved you to much to ever
>harm you again, yet it seems you cannot give up your duty for me. I gave
>up my father, my so called family in Robotroplis for you, yet you cannot
>give up your damn island for me!"
SAMANTHA: Look, no one's life turns out the way they thought it would!
Join the f***ing club!
BRET <Sonya>: Screw the Chaos Emeralds! Let's live in sin!
>she got up, her eyes now like fire.
>"Fine Knu ckles, Then its over this love can never be. not when I cannot
>be with you all the time.
MARK <Sonya>: If I can't suffocate you with my presence, then it's over!
>Tails is much like a brother or or a son to me!
SAMANTHA: Which is a disgusting image to stick us with.
>and I will not give him up like I did my father for you." She walked
>away, turning back only to spit on the ground he protected,
STEVE: Oh, *that's* mature.
>then walked
>out of his life for quite some time.>>
>
> Sonya felt like crying at the memory, how much she missed him now.
>How dispite all her problems, dispite all of his they managed to get
>together again and rekindle their love's fire.
SAMANTHA: And how Tails had gotten out the Fire Extinguisher.
>Until that horrible day
>Sonic took over, she was so sure Knuckles had died when her brother Sonic
>Shinned
NASH <Willy from The Simpsons>: Ye've got a shinnin', boy!
>his Atomic black matter ray
MARK: I know I've heard that term before...
BRET: Cheesy anime attack phrases?
MARK: That's it!
> at the Floating island destroying most
>of it, causing it to sink into the sea.
SAMANTHA: That's *fall* into the sea. It was a floating island,
remember?
>She remembered finding herself on
>the shore, drenched and almost dead.
BRET: In a complete rip-off of Celes.
>She was luckily the Western Coast
>fre edom fighters saved her tail, she lost her morpher
SAMANTHA: So she was a Power Ranger before, right?
STEVE: Ick, that's a bad thought in and of itself.
>and now had to
>begin anew, with news of the main Freedom Fighters destroyed and sonic
>taking control her heart sank lower and lower, she had lost all hope until
>there was word of a two Tailed fox, and a r ed echidna still alive and
>causing her brother grief, with that she knew she must find them, for nine
>years she searched, becoming trained with blades and watching the world
>change into that of something out of a game she played in her past years
>as a human.
BRET: Who the hell let Boomhauer write that last part?
MARK <in awe>: Kefka is truly the master of the run-on sentence.
SAMANTHA: I'm not even going to bother with that one. I'm tired enough
as it is.
>She befriended a dying Guardian and optioned the power of a
>Chaos Emerald.
STEVE: She had it on an eighteen-month lease.
>She started to learn the gift of magic and always followed
>her heart to find them both. She realized that the only way to get
>information on them was to help her brother, he made her do many an evil
>thing,
NASH: Many evil, *naughty* things...
BRET: GAH! Funny-animal incest!
>but she did it to find Knuckles after two years of true horror with
>Sonic she must now face Tails. Finding these Knuckle marks are the best
>thing to happen to her In a long time. . . . . . .
SAMANTHA: Blah, blah, blah.
><<END OF PART 1>> ~~Coming Soon~~~~ PART 2: ". . . .JUST A
>MATTER OF TIME. . . . ." Written by: Kefka The Dark One <a.k.a.>
Mecha-Sonic
SAMANTHA: Who will forever be remembered as a notorius author on the
SVAM's most wanted list.
MARK: I think 'The Pit of Kefka' has a nice ring to it, don't you?
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>CAST OF CHARACTERS. . . .
SAMANTHA: We already know. We're not stupid!!!
STEVE: Wouldn't it have been better to tell us this *before* the story?
>Sonic The Hedgehog / The Dark Lord : Now the Dark Ruler of the new world.
>
>Miles "Tails" Prowers / The Gray Fox : He's the main hero.
NASH: Mobius, I weep for you.
STEVE: Hey! Tails is the only tolerable character in this story!
>
>Antoine / Tony / T'wan : He's now the cool quick wit blade master
GUYS: WRONG!!
BRET: I'd say he's still the irritating and completely useless sidekick!
>
>Knuckles / Red Claw : A lone hunter who search for revenge against Sonic
NASH <Knuckles>: He shaved off my dreadlocks! *NOBODY* messes with the do!!
>
>Princess Sally : Now Sonic's Slave, she'll find some way to escape. . .we hope.
MARK: -- it's before a tasteless rape scene.
>
>Sonya Sho Eiji /
BRET: Insert blatant Mortal Kombat/Tohshinden reference here.
> Sonya Sho Robotnik : Sonic's sister and Treasure Hunter
>for the lost Blade of Mobius
>
>Locy Hottovy : A young tubie that Sonic created, she'll do just about
>anything to keep her own tail safe.
NASH: And *what* a tail it is!
>
>The Rest of the Characters play are extras at least in this Part.
SAMANTHA: Is this done yet? I'm bored.
NASH: I know a way to *alleviate* that boredom...
SAMANTHA [brandishes sword]: Try it and die...
BRET: Don't fight now, people... it's over! We're free!
STEVE: Yay!
[All exeunt]
[1-2-3-4-5-6]
Bret immediately began fiddling with the controls again after the
fivesome left the theater. "It was surprisingly not that painful!"
Steve marvelled.
"I think you've just been up here too long," Mark replied. Nash
nodded in agreement while trying to mask his staring at Samantha. She glared
back at the big goofball as he was very obviously staring at her.
"So what about that Sable?" Samantha suddenly asked.
Mark and Steve gave her odd looks as Nash's eyes blissfully glazed over.
"Do you even know who Sable is?" Steve asked.
"It's a person?"
"Okay... sensors back on line... internet connection back on line...
DSS back on line... we're 95% operational!" Bret said with a smile.
"Now, computer, give me the status of Eric Bischoff and Page
Faulkenberg."
There was a slight pause as the central computer executed the command.
Then, it finally replied, "Stah-tus of Page Faul'kenbuhg unknown. As
foah E-ric Bizzchoff..."
The viewscreen suddenly cut on, showing an image of Eric lying facedown
in a green, grassy field. As he began pulling himself up, he noticed someone
standing over him. It was an impossibly tall and thin woman with
impossibly big breasts wearing an impossibly skimpy outfit.
"Are you a Nitro girl?" Eric asked dazedly.
The woman arched an eyebrow at him, and a small frown troubled her icy
features. "You're not from Cephiro. You must be a Magic Knight!"
"What?" was Eric's dumb response.
"Sayonara, fledgling Magic Knight. You will die for Master Zagato!"
She brandished the wand she was carrying at him.
Eric stood up, trying to make use of the international 'hey-don't-kill-me'
gesture. "Listen, I don't know anything about..."
"Arile -- ICE SPEAR!!" she shouted, firing a wave huge, pointed icicles at him.
Eric barely managed to leap away. Then, without a second
look, he took off running into the deep forest nearby.
"You can't escape me, Magic Knight! Cleft -- SUMMON PET!!" A
unicorn with a mane that burned with a blue flame came into being. The woman
hopped on, and the unicorn darted off into the forest after him.
The inhabitants of the SoN stared at the images as they played out on
the Viewscreen. Bret, utterly dumfounded, was the first to attempt to speak.
"That's... that's..."
"Alcione, from Magic Knight Rayearth. I met her at Club Anipike. She's
a lot nicer in person," Samantha said. The others turned to stare at
her.
"I have some interesting friends," she replied with a smile.
The transmission from Cefiro was then interrupted by the grinning face
of Rocky Maivia. "Hello! This is *your* champion here to tell you
somethin' I forgot about before. A sorceror, A demon, and Emeralds' is a
six-part series."
At this, a massive communal scream was heard from the SON.
The Rock continued. "And it gets a lot worse as it goes along. So
here's chapter two!" With that, Rocky pressed the button again.
Chaos reigned on the Satellite as everyone dashed into the theater. "OH
NO," Bret screamed. "WE'VE GOT KEFKA SIIIIIIIGN!"
TO BE CONTINUED IN PART TWO!
BORING STUFF: Pretty much nothing that appeared in this story was mine.
My new characters, Kevin Nash and Mark Calloway, are TM & C themselves.
The Undertaker is TM & C the World Wrestling Federation. Samantha Jones
is the property of Jamie Jeans. Magic Knight Rayearth is property of
CLAMP. I did create the Doomsday Machine, but it's intentionally lame.
Anyone who wants to can use it.
ABSOLUTELY NO INSULT is intended towards Kafka/Mecha-Sonic. You have to
admit, he/she has to have a great imagination to merge three story
concepts so wildly different. I wish him/her luck in his/her future
fanfic endeavors (hopefully, not lemons!).
LYNX'S NOTES: Well, it's not project Hogan, but I hope ASADAE is a good
substitute. Thanks go out to my co-authors, the Jamie Jeans and J-Boogie.
I'm literally honored to be working with two such distinguished MiSTers. I
also want to thank the Shadowman for overcoming his moral scruples to
edit this chapter of the story with me and contributing a few jokes.
Anyhow, look for part two soon! And despite what J-Boogie says, I'm
pretty sure that he has more Insane Fanfiction 3000' episodes than I have
Mystery Wrestling Theater 3000' episodes. Heck, this is only my fourth
MiSTing... EVER!!
JAMIE'S NOTES: I really liked working with Alicia and J-Boogie on this.
It gives me a chance to just riff fanfics, something which I have not
been able to do for awhile now. I also like the interaction between
Samantha and the wrestlers.
J-BOOGIE'S NOTES: Hey! I'm a distinguished MiSTer! Now isn't that cool! *I*
should be the one kissing *their* butts because they've been in the MSTing
game a lot longer than I have. Jolt's right. Just going for the riffs is
kind of fun, but I've gotta get back to my own stories as well. Catch ya'll
in the next part!!
E-mail Lynxara at: lynxara@hotmail.com.
E-mail JOLT!!! at: xwing@uniserve.com
E-mail J-Boogie at: wholden535@aol.com
_________________________________
>"He kicked the butt of the tyrant of yore Kefka, So I guess I'm the Locke and your The Kefka"
Mystery Wrestling Theater 3000, post 104, round two:
'A sorceror, a demon, and Emeralds' part two,
WRITTEN BY: Kefka the Dark One/Mecha Sonic.
With short 'Cid Highwind vs. Kevin Nash',
WRITTEN BY: FunkyK2968.
MSTIED BY: Alicia Ashby, a.k.a. Lynxara.
CO-MSTIED BY: Jamie Jeans, a.k.a. Jolt
CO-MSTIED BY: Justin Golden, a.k.a. J-Boogie.
Now, on with the story!
________________________________________________________________________
[Continued directly from part 1. All enter the theater and take their
seats.]
><<Subject: Cid Highwind vs. Kevin Nash
SAMANTHA: <confused> What the hell is the ship from FF7 doing here?
BRET: This isn't Kefka! This is a short!
STEVE: You're saying that like it's bad.
NASH: Like there's even a question who would win! I'd kick his ass.
BRET: No insult, Kevin, but it's a fight between a guy who has Materia
and a spear and a guy who knows nine wrestling moves.
NASH: Hey! I have more than nine moves!
BRET: No, I counted. Kick, punch, clothesline, knee into turnbuckle,
snake eyes, neck twist, choke with foot, bear hug, and power bomb.
Exactly nine.
>Date: Tue, Jun 2, 1998 19:11 EDT
>From: FunkyK2968
ALL <singing>: It's got to be good... it's got to be funky...
>
> On WCW Nitro-live.
SAMANTHA: Chris Jericho was whining his ass off.
NASH: Hogan was turning a ten-minute interview into a 45 minute rant.
BRET: Chris Benoit wasn't winning a title.
STEVE: A main event was ending in a run-in.
MARK: Nothing new there.
>Tony Shivhone: "Welcome to WCW Nitro-live at Houston, Texas! Here tonight we
>have the greatest stars: Goldberg, DDP, Kevin Nash, and many more!"
SAMANTHA: <laughs her ass off>
BRET: A good thing Page isn't here or...
SAMANTHA: <glares menacingly> Or what?
BRET: ... he'd probably get splattered across the wall.
SAMANTHA: Good fellow Canadian!
MARK: You're Canadian?
SAMANTHA: Of course!
>Larry Zybisco: "Plus here tonight a new wrestler: Cid Highwind."
NASH: 'New'? Then shouldn't he be wrestling a jobber squash, instead of
fighting a main- eventer like *me*?
STEVE: Well, it makes about as much sense as the rest of our booking...
BRET: Wait... wait... maybe he'll pull a '1-2-3 Kid'...
SAMANTHA <Larry 'Zybisco'>: He just got in from transporting Cloud, Tifa
and the gang to Midgar.
>Tony Shivhone: "Here announcing tonight is Tony Shivhone, 'The Living
Legend'
MARK: That 'Shivhone' spelling is really going to bother me. I don't
even *like* Schiavone.
SAMANTHA: Captain America?
>Larry Zybisco, and Cloud Strife."
BRET: As an *announcer*?
>Cloud Strife: "How do I put this thing on?"
NASH <Cloud>: Oh, I told Tifa that I can't wear cotton panties. They
have to be satin!
BRET: NASH!
>Larry Zybiso: "Here....you got real spiky hair, kid."
STEVE: Nash, you're really tall.
NASH: Why, thank you, Steve. And you look a lot like the Crow.
SAMANTHA: *POKE*
MARK <'Zybisco'>: AHHH, MY EYE!!!
>Cloud Strife: "There we go."
>
>Tony Shivhone: "Right now..."
SAMANTHA: <singing> Right now!!! Hey, for tomorrow...
>NWO music plays.
>Larry Zybisco: "Oh, great. You know what's going on when you here that
music."
BRET: It's time for a bunch of guys to stand around and play
second-banana to Hogan!
STEVE: You'd know...
SAMANTHA: This short sucks!
>Hollywood Hogan with Giant, The Dicipal,
MARK: Formerly Brewtis Bifkeik.
> Vincent(NWO Vincent),
NASH: As opposed to the WCW Vincent and the Wolfpac Vincent and the
Raven's Flock Vincent...
STEVE: I prefer the NWA Vincent myself.
>and Scott
>Norton walks to ring,
BRET: Y'know, Scott doesn't walk so much as he just follows his gut.
> also with Eric Bischoff.
>Eric Bischoff: "Yes everyone, we love you too!"
STEVE <singing as Bischoff>: I love you... you love me...
BRET: GAH!! Never do that again!!
>Tony Shivhone: "Oh, shut up."
STEVE: Jeez! I guess the fact that Schiavone hates wrestling and
everything involved with it is finally surfacing.
NASH: That would explain why he never actually talks about a match...
>Eric Bischoff: "Glad to feel the love here tonight!
ALL <singing>: Can you feel... the love tonight...
>Now there was supposed to
>be a match...involving Hollywood Hogan, and Kevin Nash.
MARK<Bischoff>: Sure, we *could've* used it as the main event for
Starrcade... but what the hell!
>But JJ Dillan canceled it. WCW has a new member. So JJ decided to put the new
>member against Nash."
SAMANTHA: Which means that he'll get his ass royally whipped!
BRET: Yes, another brilliant decision from J.J. "submissions are legal"
Dillon.
>Hogan: Steals the microphone from Bischoff.
SAMANTHA: <Bischoff>: WHAAA!!! Hogan stole my microphone!
> "Nash you think you've got it
>pretty good right now.
NASH: Hogan, I'm stuck in a Satellite, having to read really crappy
fanfics, and the only woman aboard doesn't like me. Yeah, I've got it
just freakin' fine.
>But you'd better worry because you're still going to
>face me at Thunder!
SAMANTHA <Kuno>: I am the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High!!!
>An' Macho Man Randy Savage also has it pretty unlucky.
SAMANTHA: Yeah, I heard he broke a few mirrors.
STEVE: Maybe his vocal cords finally just gave out.
MARK: Or he actually found out what they put in Slim Jims.
>He's gonna have to face my Giant...the real Giant...
BRET: Andre?
>Giant next week at Nitro
>taking place in St. Paul, Minnesota. But that doesn't take away my chance for
>the main event here tonight after Nash takes his beating I want to make
>sure Sting get's his beating."
SAMANTHA: You would figure Hogan would have a heart attack after such a
long run-on sentence.
NASH: Ha! You should hear how he really sounds!
STEVE: Grrrrrrrr...
SAMANTHA: Easy, I'll get the Holocabana working later so you can beat up
on some hologram Hogans, ok?
STEVE<sighs>: Okay.
>
>NWO walks out.
>Tony Shivhone: "Wonder what the new wrestler looks like..."
>Cloud Strife: "Well, Cid is pretty good friend of mine. He's here with me,
>Cait Sith, and Jerry."
MARK: Oh, good! Jerry's my favorite Final Fantasy character.
SAMANTHA: Not Jerry Seinfield.
BRET: Or Jerry Springer! Ick!
>Larry Zybisco: "Who're they?"
BRET <Cloud>: What?! You've never played Final Fantasy VII?! Prepare to
face my wrath! BAHAMUT ZERO!!
>Cloud Strife: "You'll find out."
>
>Five matches go by.
SAMANTHA: That's it? Just five matches? Geez, Koopa had better fights
scenes then this fanfic!
J-BOOGIE: Sad to say, that's very true.
BRET: Go away!
J-BOOGIE: Oh yeah?! Make me!
SAMANTHA: Say, is that Cutey Honey over there?
J-BOOGIE: REALLY?! WHERE?!
SAMANTHA: Kinda pathetic, really...
>Cid Highwind's music plays(the music when you first meet Cid on FF7).
>Cid walks into the ring with Cait Sith, and Jerry.
NASH: Who the f*ck is Jerry?!
>Jerry: Has the mic. "As you might expect this guy right here would be the new
>guy. His name's Cid Highwind. He's gonna be facing Kevin Nash. I'm Jerry
>Hough.
BRET: Haught?
STEVE: INSANE!
>Tonight I'm gonna be the special guest referee." Hands mic. to Cid.
SAMANTHA: Which means that he's gonna get pasted accidentally at least
*once* in this match.
MARK: I dunno. 'Special guest referees' usually end up picking a fight
with one of the wrestlers.
>Cid: "Nash, you'd better watch out. Cid's got his own special moves like your
>Jack Knife Power Bomb."
BRET <Cid>: Cid enjoys talking in the third person. Cid's so full of
himself Cid's sure to win!
NASH <Cid>: Of course, I'm not going to tell you what they *are*...
>Cloud Strife: "He hasn't been practicing."
BRET <Cloud>: Yeah, my friend pretty much sucks.
>
>More matches go by. Goldberg beats Norton,
STEVE: You're *kidding*! Goldberg WON?!
NASH: Yeah, but this is just a fanfic. Not much credibility from *that*.
>DDP beats Chris Benoit, Booker T.
NASH: Booker T. Washington is back from the dead, and kicking ass!
>and Stevie Ray beats Chavo and Eddy Guerrero, and Macho Man beats Fit
Finley.
SAMANTHA: <sarcastic voice> Oh man! The action is just so god-damned
exciting!!! It's just like watching the real Nitro!
>Larry Zybisco: "Now it's already 9:28. That means..."
SAMANTHA: It's Miller time!
MARK: If I'm correct, that's about halfway through Nitro on Eastern
Standard Time. I doubt there's an hour and a half match ahead...
NASH: Eh, we'll just say that we're out of time and show a lot of
Monkeyed Movies.
>Wolfpac music plays.
>Kevin Nash walks out and into the ring.
BRET: Stuff happens. People die.
>Cid Highwind's music plays. Cid with Cait Sith and Jerry walk into the
ring.
BRET: Ouch! I bet that hurt.
>Jerry not at all wearing the referee uniform.
NASH: In fact, Jerry not at all wearing *anything*!
STEVE: Dammit, Nash, I'm gonna have to sit through Kefka *anyway*...
>Cloud Strife: "Now this's gonna rock guys, you watch."
MARK <'Shivhone'>: Gee, that's only our *job*.
>
>Bell rings.
BRET: Guys fight. One wins. Fic sucks. We sulk.
>Cid and Nash face each other walking around the ring.
>Jerry ready to see some action.
BRET: Jerry gets his ass kicked by Nick Patrick for taking his job.
>Cait Sith cheering Cid on.
NASH <Sith>: Cid! Cid! He's my man!
STEVE: Urk... don't say that!
>Finally they start.
>Nash gives Cid a punch in the stomach.
NASH: Happy birthday!
>Cid bounces off the ropes
MARK: THWAK!
STEVE: BOING!
BRET: OW! MY EYE!
>and elbows Nash in the face.
ALL: BOOT TO THE HEAD!!
>Nash falls down hard.
NASH: Alright!! Who the hell forgot my pillow?!?!
>Cid climbs up to the turnbuckle and leg drops on Nash.
SAMANTHA: *YAWN* Hey guys, wake me up when this is done.
NASH: If you're *really* bored...
SAMANTHA: Shut up, Nash.
>Cid going for a cover but Nash get's his hand on the rope before Jerry
can do
BRET: What? The dew? The cabbage patch? A porno star?
>the count.
BRET: Oh.
>Cid kicks the arm and kicks Nash in the chest. Nash get's up and does a suplex
>on Cid.
>Cid does his Highwind kick on Nash, knocking him down.
STEVE: Cid has all the wrestling versatility of Glacier. I bet the
'Highwind Kick' is even a superkick!
>Cid picks Nash and does a back breaker on Nash.
MARK: Then Taka Michinoku defeats Kane via Gorilla Press Slam.
>Nash get's up and kicks Cid in the chest, then he throws him to the turn
>buckle and kicks Cid.
SAMANTHA: And here I had thought that Nash had been knocked out cold.
Silly me.
BRET: Actually, Samantha, you can't knock anyone out with a backbreaker.
It would have to be a DDT, or maybe a frankensteiner or a flying head
scissors.
SAMANTHA: You make wrestling sound a lot more complicated than two guys
pretending to hit each other.
BRET: Well, it is if you're any *good*.
>Nash continuing to beat on Cid.
NASH: I told you! Bitch better have my money!
STEVE [holds his head]: NOOOOOO!!
>Finally Cid fell and Nash went for his cover.
BRET <Nash>: I need my security blankey!
>Only Cid kicks out.
>Nash lifting Cid up, puts Cid in between his legs
SAMANTHA: EWWW!!!
NASH: No! It's not like that! That's just the setup to my finisher!
>and Jack Knife Power Bombs
>Cid.
STEVE: Now that you mention it, Nash, the setup for the Power Bomb is
fairly... *fruity*...
NASH: Shut up! I kicked your ass with it!
SAMANTHA: Whew! Had me worried there for a moment.
>Nash going for his cover but Caith Sith comes in and knocks Nash off Cid.
>Nash get's up and punches Cait Sith, kicks him and Jack Knife Power Bomb's
>him.
BRET: How? Cait Sith doesn't have a neck!
STEVE: Well, depends if he did it to Sith himself or the moogle.
>Jerry scolding Cait Sith.
SAMANTHA <Jerry>: Bad stuffed Moogle! Bad stuffed Moogle!!!
>Kevin Nash going for his cover.
MARK: ... of 'Stairway to Heaven.'
STEVE: Why can't anyone just leave Zeppelin songs alone?
>Cid slowly get's his hand on the ropes, getting a two count.
BRET <Counting Count>: Two! Two mat slaps! Ah-ah-ah...
SAMANTHA <Counting Count>: One! One crappy short-fic! Ah-ah-ah...
>Kevin Nash kicks Cid's arm. Then punches Cid in the face and goes for another
>cover.
SAMANTHA: Why doesn't Cid just use the Summon Ifrit materia and fry Nash
with it?
NASH: Ha! That wouldn't work! What's an 'Ifrit', anyway?
>Cid kicks out.
>Cloud Strife: "C'mon Cid! You can do better than that."
BRET: No he can't. He didn't practice, remember?
>Nash picks Cid up and elbows him in the face.
>Cloud Strife: "This doesn't look good, I gotta get down there."
MARK <Cloud>: Sure, he can summon the Highwind to nuke his opponent, but
*I* use a big sword!
>Larry Zybisco: "Yeah, you'd better."
SAMANTHA <Larry>: Or else our ratings are gonna suck.
>Tony Shivhone: "Good luck kid."
MARK <'Shivhone'>: Sure, go ahead and interfere in the match. We don't care.
SAMANTHA <Tony>: Don't forget your Bahamut materia!
>Cloud runs in the ring and kicks Nash in the stomach.
STEVE: Screw your sword and your magical powers! Just use a plain 'ol kick!
>But Nash punches Cloud and does a pile driver on him.
>Cloud's out.
SAMANTHA: Boo!!! Cloud can take more punishment then that! He's at level 30!
NASH: Ha! I'm at level 60! What does that mean, anyway?
>Nash does a pile driver on Cid.
>Cid's out.
NASH: Of the closet.
BRET: He can't believe that Kevin Nash used an *actual* wrestling move!
>Nash goes for a cover.
>1, 2, 3.
>Bell rings.
MARK: Ho-hum.
>Tony Shivhone: "Your winner.....Kevin Nash!!!"
>Larry Zybisco: "Wolfpac in da hooouse!!!!"
ALL: THE HELL?!
STEVE: So in FunkyK's world, Zbysco's into rap?
BRET: No, he just recently joined the Nation of Exaggeration.
>Red and Black NWO music plays.
>Jerry holding up Nash's hand.
NASH: Give that back! I need it!
SAMANTHA: A vigilante and four wrestlers are bored.
>
> Cid wakes up. "What the hell was that?" Cid asks.
BRET <Cid>: I dreamt I was in a horrible fanfic!
>"Weird dream...and why
>have acting bad like that on t.v.?"
MARK: Why have writing bad like this on the net?
BRET: Be nice, Mark. FunkyK's not that bad.
MARK: You know how I get when people disparage wrestling...
>Cid sighed. Cid nods his head. "And who's
>Kevin Nash.
SAMANTHA: The big goofy guy that keeps hitting on me!
NASH: Well, *big* is right...
SAMANTHA: That's your last warning, hentai!
>In real life I'd probably whoop him," Cid lays back down.
STEVE: So Cid's a Stone Cold fan! It all makes sense!
>"An'
>Cloud's actually a good fighter. Jerry wouldn't do that...would he?"
Cid said.
BRET: I dunno.You mind telling us WHO THE HELL JERRY IS?
>Cid closed his eyes and drifted back to sleep. Snoring.
SAMANTHA: Which is exactly what that short was making us do.
>
>NWO red and black attack rocks! The end.>>
SAMANTHA: Thank god!
MARK: I wonder why Vince sent us that...
NASH: Because it's just TOO SWEEEEEEET!!
STEVE: Yeah, whatever.
[DOOR SEQUENCE... 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7...
The Viewscreen lit up with a transmission from Titan 13 almost as soon
as the MSTiers stepped out of the theater.
"Hello, Hollywood Blondes! Wondering why I postponed your Kefkariffic
main event?" Vince said with his usual maniac grin on his face.
"Well, I was just planning on accepting it with Zen-like calm..." Bret
said. The others nodded. Anything was better than Kefka.
Vince, apparently not even noticing, went on. "It's because I came up
with a BRILLIANT idea while I was fixing the Doomsday Machine. So while
it recharges, we're going to do a Gimmick Exchange!"
"A *what*?" Samantha asked.
"It's where Vince makes us give him a wrestling idea in return for one
of his. I don't know why he does it... and he hasn't even given us time
to come up with one this week!" Steve replied.
"No Gimmick? You know what that means... Rocky, beam a Jim Duggan match
into their minds," Vince said to his assistant/butt-kisser, Rocky
Maivia.
Everyone on the Satellite (except Samantha, since she didn't know who
Jim Duggan was,) screamed as Rocky's hand moved towards the sinister
Button. The only thing worse than Kefka was Jim Duggan!
"Wait! I have something!" Mark suddenly cried out. He darted away for a
minute, and then returned with a mysteriously convenient blackboard and
chalk. "You see, I've come up with a way to numerologically prove that
J.J. Dillon is Satan and Chris Jericho is God. As you know, 'Dillon' is
spelled with six letters while 'Jericho' is spelled with seven. This is
only the beginning of an intense conspiracy..." Mark was already
furiously writing out names and diagrams.
Vince glared at him through the monitor, clearly not amused. "It's been
done," he said.
"You're kidding! It has? Really?" Mark was quite taken aback. "I thought
I was the only person who had that much time on his hands."
"Nope, you were beaten to it," Vince added.
"It was a good try," Bret said to a very disappointed Mark.
"Now, prepare to feast you eyes on my idea! Rock?" Vince asked
expectantly.
Rocky appeared on the viewscreen a moment later, wheeling a cart loaded
with heads that had apparently been ripped off department-store dummies.
The heads were all dressed in various festive costumes.
Rocky flashed them a grin and began, "Well, it ain't no secret that the
most popular manager in wrestlin' today is Al Snow's Head."
Vince added, "So I've decided to capitalize on that success by releasing
a series of Head actions figures! Collectors will love them for their
exquisite detail and increasing market value due to my erratic shipping
practices..."
"... and the kids'll love 'em cause they're just so damn much fun," Rock
finished.
"There's Killer Commando Head, with authentic WWI battle helmet and a
live grenade that you can stuff up in her secret compartment before
letting your bratty little brother have his turn!"
"There's Malibu Dreams Head, with an overpriced haircut and a face that
just says 'I'm better than you'."
"Then there's Goth Head, with real working fangs!"
"My First Head, made outta soft foam that won't hurt the little ones!"
"Self-Insertion Head, with glowing eyes and unholy powers!"
"Cheerleader Head, with life-like sucking action!"
"And there's so much more," Vince finished. "Soon, everyone will be able
to experience the magic of the Head. Any opinions, boobies?"
Samantha stared at the screen, blinked, and then finally said, "That's
really screwed up."
Vince glared back at the screen, unamused. Rocky saw this and proceeded.
"Well, the Rock says know your damn role! We come up with the ideas, and
you get your asses into the theater for a second shot of 'A sorceror, a
demon, and Emeralds'!"
"I LIKED IT!! I REALLY DID!" Nash screamed in futility at the screen as
the lights and buzzers went off. "NO MORE KEFKA!"
"Too late!" Bret said. "Into the theater, cause we've got KEFKA
SIIIIIIGN!
[DOOR SEQUENCE... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...]
[All enter the theaters and take their seats]
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
><><><>
><><>
SAMANTHA: Oh boy! More stuff!
BRET: Maybe this is Kefka's way of telling us that he's a devout
Christian.
MARK: I think writing bad Sonic fanfics breaks at least one commandment.
>{DUE TO VIOLENT CONTENTS, AND PROFANITY READERS DISCRETION IS
>ADVISED <Your warned kiddies>}
SAMANTHA: This fanfic lacks proper grammar, a plotline, and contains
spelling that will make your eyes bleed.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
><><><>
><><>
>A Sonic The Hedgehog Story
>~-<{<<A sorcerer, A demon, and Emeralds>>}>-~ (PART2) "Just a Matter of
>TIME"
SAMANTHA: Wasn't that a Star Trek episode?
STEVE: Yeah, but it's also a cliché, and we all know how fanfic authors
>Written by: Mecha Sonic <a.k.a.> Kefka the Dark One
SAMANTHA: Who will forever live in infamy alongside Oscar and Gonterman.
MARK: Like I said, the Pit of Kefka. Watch for it!
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>~~~~~~~
SAMANTHA: They *still* haven't finished that double lane highway?
>Dedicated to: Locy&Jai, Leo, All my Cserve friends, all my AOL buddies,
J-BOOGIE: Ya see?! It's people like this that give AOL a bad name!
SAMANTHA: No, high prices-
BRET: -too many problems-
MARK: -and too few servers is what gives AOL a bad name.
J-BOOGIE: Yeah... uh... but... these people don't help!
SAMANTHA: Oooh! Is that Urd I see?
J-BOOGIE: Urd-sama!!
SAMANTHA: Hmm, kind of like handling Nash.
>Annie Arellano,
NASH: And the *fine* people who keep furry hentai alive.
BRET: NASH! No insults! Do you want to get Lynxara stuck in a flame war
with Kefka?
STEVE: Yeah, and Jolt and J-Boogie are already having net loon problems.
SAMANTHA: Guys, the fourth wall's getting ready to fall and crush us.
J-BOOGIE: I do NOT have net loon problems! They have problems with me.
>and of course the man who created Sonic The Hedgehog, and
>the man who created Final Fantasy 3.
SAMANTHA: Who would probably be pretty pissed off at how badly his game
was ripped off.
MARK: Why's it have to be a *man*? Why can't a *woman* make good video
games?
SAMANTHA: <looks at Mark> I like you.
NASH: <growls>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>~~~~~~~
>Letter Response: I was hoping Anyone with comments, Idea,
SAMANTHA: I've got an idea for ya: STOP WRITING!
BRET: Or at least use another video game!
MARK: Nonononono! He could've used Mario Brothers.
STEVE: Mario as an evil dictator who... [pales and falls out of his
seat]
>or wish to ask
>for rights to use any of this story would send E-mail to any of the
>following Addresses......
>104643.1572@Compuserve.com
>MetalSonic@AOL.Com
SAMANTHA: Beelzebub666@Hades.com
MARK: Too bad it couldn't be his *home* address.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>~~~~~~~
SAMANTHA: Turn South on Highway 97 before...
>Lawful Crap: Sonic The Hedgehog, Miles "Tails" Prowers, Dr. Robotnik and
>all other related characters are based on the characters created by SEGA,
>Archie Comic publication, DIC's Sonic The Hedgehog Old Saturday Cartoon,
NASH: Proving that not only are they DIC's, but they make old DIC
cartoons.
>and SEGA of AMERICA. Other such Characters are created from the minds of
>Aaron Lye, Elizabeth Ramirez and Alex Arellano
NASH: And trust me, they'll all *pay* for their role in this as well.
SAMANTHA: What minds?
LYNXARA: What are you people trying to do? Get me mail bombed to death?
BRET: THE HELL?!
JOLT: Easy, Lynxara, they're only riffing.
SAMANTHA: Jamie?!?
JOLT: Whoops! Gotta go!
MARK: No comment.
>Final Fantasy 3, Kefka, and other such things are based on the characters
>and items created by SquareSoft inc.
>1) No one can use the Characters Aaron Lye, Elizabeth Ramirez, or Alex
>Arellano created without written permission to the author.
MARK: Damn! And I had such great plans...
>2) This file is not to be placed upon a Web site or On-line Service without
>written approval from the authors
SAMANTHA: Oops! Think McMahon read that part?
BRET: Like he would care.
>3)No one says anything about how cruel I make Sonic <grin>
SAMANTHA: Or how I intend to make you take a long walk off a short
cliff...
STEVE: But we'll say plenty about how cruel having to read this story
is!
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>~~~~~
BRET: And being free from icebergs, the Lusitania has no worries about
sinking...
>Brief summery: With time Running out for the brave Warrior Tails and his
>Knight Comrade Antoine, They race through the Little Planet
SAMANTHA: 'Through'? Excuse me? What is the planet made out of? Swiss
cheese?
>to stop the
>Echidna Knuckles from making a mistake he would soon regret.
NASH <grim>: Buying a Spice Girls CD.
>Upon ariving
>there they meet Tubie named Locy and befriend her, now they travel
>on.....Sonya is about to reach her next destination but is side track and
>meet someone VERY close to her.....
BRET: Story has bad grammar, worse plotline.
>Thus with this new comrade they will
>gain 2.......
SAMANTHA: Hey look, the author is trying to impress us with his math
skills.
STEVE: I'm amazed he has any...
LYNX: Fine! I'm sending all the hate mail I get back up here!
MARK: Miss, who are you and how did you get in here?
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>~~~~~~~
SAMANTHA: Stupid lines. God, I hate them.
>
>
> Knuckles glided easily over the spiked Collision Chaos sector and
>past the wet watery world of
NASH: ... the BAHAMAS!!
>Tidal Tempest in to Quartz Quadrant, Land of
>crystals, rubies, and EMERALDS.
NASH <Knuckles>: What the hell am I doing? All I need is a couple of
these, and I can BUY Sonic!
SAMANTHA: As well as plot points, contrivances, and devices.
>Knuckles gazed at the magnificent wonder
ALL: -- Twin Powers, Activate!
>that was around him, a world completely engulfed in reflective stones.
BRET: He's in Vegas!
>"This must be the place.... god it reminds me of the floating islands old
>Chaos Chamber..." whispered Knuckles. He had never know such grief and
>hatred since the day of the fall.
MARK: Yes, for Spring was his Season.
>He remembered He and Sonya sitting
>together on a hill top happily and kissing when the light of doom shined
>from the distance striking the mighty islands largest mountain.
SAMANTHA: But didn't Sonya leave before that happened?
MARK: You've been paying attention?
>It
>crumbled to nothing at the powerful blast. Sonya screamed, Knuckles took
>off trying to see if any survivors were there...
NASH: Knux, the mountain *crumbled* to *nothing*. I don't think anyone
managed to duck and cover.
SAMANTHA: HEY! Dread Boy ran off from his girlfriend when she needed
him! You coward!!!
>Then another
>blast...crushing more of the island, frantically as all began to collapse
STEVE <Knuckles>: Ok, next time I'll remember to double bolt.
>Knuckles tried to get to Sonya again...he remembered her scream then
>silence.
BRET <singing>: And the people bowed and swayed... before the neon God
they made...
>Then next thing he saw was himself alone on a deserted beach.
SAMANTHA: What is with the deserted beach? It seems as if *everyone*
wakes up on a deserted beach!
STEVE: Kefka actually ripped off Celes' awakening scene TWICE!
MARK: Stock plot number 263.
>He
>took refuge with a band of Freedom Fighters and trained vowing revenge for
BRET: -being put into this crappy fanfic. Kefka *WOULD* pay!
>this when they told him Sonic was the culprit.
SAMANTHA: It's a good thing that no one is narrating this story. They
would've keeled over from lack of breath by now.
BRET: Geez, with all these Freedom fighters on Mobius, why couldn't they
ever beat an incompetent idiot like Robotnik?
> Knuckles snapped out of the vision
MARK: To see Randy Savage eating Slim Jims.
SAMANTHA: *SNAP*
NASH <Knuckles>: Oww, my neck!
>when he heard voices near by, he
NASH: -- pissed his pants?
BRET: Hey! Don't be crude!
>ducked into a poorly lit section of the Quadrant.
NASH: Oh.
SAMANTHA: The Alpha Quadrant?
STEVE: So there's a lot of busted street lamps there...
>He lunged when the
>victim was in reach and clashed into Tails hard,
SAMANTHA: Their suits are *that* different, I swear.
>they went tumbling and
NASH: -- started fondling each other. They'd been apart for so long...
BRET: NASH!
>returning numerous punches until finally realizing who each other was.
>"Tails!" cried Knuckles.
> "knuckles!" cried Tails.
> "Brother..." moaned Antoine.
> "Ditto" replied Locy.
SAMANTHA: Bored.
MARK: Tired.
BRET: Wistful.
STEVE <darkly>: Vengeful.
NASH: Agonized, yet strangely aroused...
[Samantha immediately backhands Nash]
> "Knuckles, god I'm glad we finally caught up with you. You cant
>use the Time Stones to stop Sonic, for the love of goddess
SAMANTHA: Belldandy?
MARK: Mishakal?
BRET: Juno?
STEVE: Shelly?
NASH: Sable? Ahhhh, Sable...
>it will change
BRET: Into a form-fitting dress from Gucci!
>the time line if your destroy him when he's younger and good."
MARK <Tails>: But when you consider how crappy this reality is, that may
not be a bad thing.
> "Like I care,
BRET <Knuckles>: The fabric of reality can bite me!
>my floating island is gone, Sonya is gone..." Tails
>felt a flood of emotions fill him at her name...the memories of the time he
>and Sonya had together, playing, laughing, hugging, racing,
STEVE: ... break dancing, skiing, gang-banging, pontooning...
NASH: Why Steve! I never knew you had it in you!
STEVE [thinks over what he just said, then pales]: No! I didn't mean
THAT!
>she was the sister he ever had.
SAMANTHA: So he was a sister, I gather.
MARK: Apparently, she was *the* sister he had.
>They would lay down each others life for one another.
>"I have nothing to lose Tails."
SAMANTHA: Except your life.
NASH: Like that's worth anything in this story!
> "What if you change time and Robotnik wins the war? or Snively or
BRET: ...Tempest? Or Sailor Galaxia? Or the Angels? Or Genom?
>even Packbell....
SAMANTHA: The world would be ruled by computers! How awful!
>then what? your island used as a toxic dump site?! its
NASH <Tails>: -- not a bad idea, actually...
>just as bad if you kill him or not. you'll never gain these powers and
BRET<Tails>: -- we'll never star in this story! [pause] No wait! Let him
kill Sonic! LET HIM!!
>most likely will die, all of us will...
BRET: But then at least this stupid story would be OVER!
SAMANTHA <Tails>: Damn it, man! Don't you watch any Star Trek?
>Sonic was the one who help stem the
>tide of hate and evil he now is."
> "damn it Tails, why do you always do this..."
> "do what?"
STEVE <Knuckles>: Spout inane, nonsensical lectures that kill off a
perfectly good plot device.
> "knock sense into me...."
SAMANTHA: That isn't knocking sense into a person. *This* is... <gives a
rapid three punch to Nash's head>
NASH: OWW! Quit that!
MARK: Do you *know* about the part of the wrestler's code of honor that
says we can't hit women, or do you just not care?
SAMANTHA: Yes.
> "Hey I'm a hero, its what I do!"
STEVE: Does that mean the nWo is going to show up and start beating on
him?
BRET: Unfortunately, no.
>
>
> * * *
SAMANTHA: Oh darn. School is snowed in again today.
>
>
> Sonya passed over all SWAT bot infested sections,
NASH: ...floating,
>she didnt need to
>worry as long as Sonic had that command out that she was a bad guy like
>them.
SAMANTHA: And that's about as technological as the writer is gonna get,
guys.
>They simply saluted
SAMANTHA: With the middle finger, of course.
MARK: They're Stone Cold fans too!
NASH: Aaaaaw, hell yeah!
>or just ignored her entirely. Sonya was of
>course thrilled by this,
SAMANTHA: <Sonya voice> Being ignored makes me so hot!
NASH [grinning]: I swear I won't speak to you for a week..
>no need to attract attention to someones interest
>she didnt want to gain.
BRET: You're *never* going to make any money on your CD's unless you
collect interest.
>half way through Collision Chaos she met Mecha
>Sonic, the now enormous red colored sharpen clawed creature grinned at
her
NASH <Mecha>: What's a cute chick like you doing around a guy like me?
>and spoke. "Again we meet Sonya. Its been many years..."
SAMANTHA: And it has intelligence now! Wow, see what happens when you
don't load Windows 95 onto your computer?
> "Yes it has Mecha, and I see you have gained a few new
utilities,"
STEVE: Yeah, he's got Crescendo and the Shockwave plug-in.
>she pointed to his
SAMANTHA: Don't go there...
NASH: That's his *love* attachment.
>quills that seemed to look like spiked armor.
SAMANTHA: Whew! Had me worried.
> "Yes, Lord Sonic treats me well, better then the FAT STUPID guy
MARK: Hugh Morrus?
STEVE: Newt Gingrinch?
>and thin dude with the long nose did."
BRET: Hunter Hearst Helmsley?
>Sonya growled out and drew her blade.
SAMANTHA <Sonya voice>: Hang on while I get a pencil and sketch pad.
> "Watch it tin head, no need to go insulting my father."
STEVE <Sonya>: Ivo Robotnik was a *fine* man!
> "You still care don't you? he's dead....live with it."
NASH <Mecha>: Quit whining about your stupid dead loved ones!
> "You wont live with it if you keep annoying me." she hissed. "My
>father was evil but at least not like this...he didnt rape...." it took her
>a moment to confirm that thought
MARK: Thank you for that mental image, Kefka.
>"he didnt do half the crap Sonic did."
SAMANTHA: Like appearing in horrible lemons.
> "Hence he never took over. a dictator like Sonic is what your
>father should have wised up and become.
BRET: Cliched and badly written?
STEVE: No, Robotnik had that covered...
>But he didnt so he paid, You
BRET <Mecha>: -- have to pay up the interest. Cough it up!
>father was human, what do you expect, humans are the lowest life form on
>this world."
ALL: Hey!
> "that's why Sonic butchered all but one."
NASH <Sonic>: Get your human steaks! Human pot roast! Human sausage
links!
> "You, but your his sister dearest, surly he'd miss the nights
>raping you to a bloody pulp."
SAMANTHA: Oh please, lets have no flashbacks of that... Hang on! Sonya
is supposed to be Sonic's sister!
BRET: And if he raped her, then that means...
ALL: Incest!!! GYYYYYYAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!
SAMANTHA: Now I *know* Gonterman is co-writing this!!!
NASH: And I still don't get how Sonya is human and a hedgehog at the
same time, or from Earth and Sonic's sister...
>Sonya's eyes flared with rage at him. "Oh
>you act as if no one on Mobius Knows that, we all do...
MARK: Sonic wrote a series of racy letters to Penthouse.
NASH: Man, *all* the good porn magazines are going downhill.
>we know your
>nothing more then a toy for him to play with and destroy his enemies
with."
STEVE <accusatory>: You're his *binky*!
> "Listen tin can, I don't see why your giving me grief but I'm not
>gonna take it anymore...."
NASH <Sonya>: I am woman! Hear me roar!
BRET <Sonya>: I am rubber, you are glue...
>she turned away and started to walk towards
>Tidal Tempest.
> "Remember little one....don't try anything funny with those
>stones!"
SAMANTHA: And if that doesn't bring a sick image to mind then nothing
will.
>
>
> * * *
>
BRET <Cartman>: Look guys! It's snowing!
MARK <Stan>: But it always snows, Cartman!
BRET <Cartman>: Yeah, but it's REALLY snowing...
>
> "Err now that we met each other, can we get out of this place? I
>don't like being so close to that monster Mecha sonic." whimpered
Antoine.
SAMANTHA: Ah, ya wimp!
> "Agreed, lord ...
NASH <Locy>: My funky lovemaster...
>err Sonic inputted allot of information about him
>to us tubies." mumbled Locy. "Mecha has no real weakness other then like
>his counter the wanting for speed and loves to win."
STEVE: So, Mecha Sonic has weaknesses.
>They nodded.
>"Perhaps it is best to leave here as soon as possible."
SAMANTHA: Like I said, just toss in some game genie codes and you have
nothing to worry about.
> "Can we backtrack through the Zones?" asked Antoine.
BRET: How many games do *you* know of where you can go backwards,
Antoine?
> "No, we must go through the Wacky Workbench, the StarDust Speedway,
>then Metallic Madness.." Knuckle Said. "After that we can clear the world
>and get to lands end."
SAMANTHA: You guys don't know about the shortcut?
> "no problem right knuckles?" smiled Tails.
> "Big problem, those are the most difficult zones in the little
>planet. To cross them might mean death,
MARK: With a name like Wacky Workbench, how could Tails *not* know that
it's deadly?
>not only is the terrain bad there,
BRET <Knuckles>: -- but the speeding tickets are the worst! I've got 20
I have to pay off!
>the badniks are just as tough if not tougher now that Sonic's improved
>them."
SAMANTHA: Plus there's fewer lives, no invincibility boxes, and no speed
shoes.
> "No Prob. Knuckles, with my magic energy I'm sure we can beat
>them."
SAMANTHA: <looks around> Who said that?
NASH: Don't worry, I'll *protect* you.
SAMANTHA: I'd want my *protector* to have more than *nine* moves.
BRET: You know, Samantha, *I'm* the world's greatest technical wrestler.
> "You sound more like Mighty everyday." Knuckles placed his mask
>back on and grinned.
SAMANTHA: Who? Mighty Mouse? Mighty Max? Details, man, details!
> Tails grinned at the complement and told Knuckles to lead the way.
STEVE <Tails>: You first, cannon fodd... er, I mean friend.
>
>
> * * *
BRET <singing>: Jingle Bells... This fic smells...
>
>Sonya hated water, this was of course no surprise.
MARK: That's so obvious, I feel insulted that the author pointed it out.
>Hedgehogs hated water
>as much as they did being petted the wrong way.
SAMANTHA: And she knows all about being petted the wrong way.
>Sonya tried her hardest to
>think of Knuckles throughout all of this, but somehow (maybe it was the
>water) it didnt seem to calm her hatred.
NASH: Seeing as how she hates him and all.
>For all the things she knew she
>still couldn't stand the fact she's doing this all for the Echidna that in
>her thoughts didnt even attempt to find her after the world fell.
SAMANTHA: I thought she was doing this for a sword?
STEVE: Man, this is so bad the author isn't even paying attention!
>
>
> <<Sonya was alive, and that's all that mattered at the moment,
>until she turned around and saw the island slowly collapsed to the ocean.
>She screamed out Knuckles name then collapsed. . .
SAMANTHA: Ah nuts! We slipped into a flashback, guys!
>When she awoke she was in
>the company of new friends. . .
BRET: The Ewoks!
MARK: Celebrate the love! Yub-nub!
SAMANTHA: Aww, that's so cute the way you do that! <snuggles up to Mark>
[Nash's (and Bret and Steve's) jaws drop open at the thought of anyone
finding the Undertaker cute. Mark grins devilishly back at them. Nash
then growls and mutters something incomprehensible.]
>The Rookie freedom Fighters of the Western
>continent had saved her. But each suffered a great deal of pain and loss
>of limbs.
SAMANTHA: All of whom she affectionately called Stumpy.
>With what little time, she learned that her brother had done it
>all.
NASH: Vegas, Reno, Tahoe, Atlantic City...
>She tried to warn them that it was not safe here if Sonic knew where
>they were. Yet they didnt heed her,
STEVE: As they were phenomenally stupid.
MARK: How stupid? They thought Men in Black was a *fine* movie.
>once her strength was up she fled
NASH <Sonya>: To hell with the rest of you! I wanna live!
>begging the others to come also. . .She has escaped Sonic, and watched as
>Hover Units came and Napalmed the forest which they hid in.>>
SAMANTHA: I feel like a barbecue tonight!
BRET: Yet it has *never* occurred to Sonic to do this to the Great
Forest.
>
>
> Sonya had past the Tidal Tempest and now was in Quartz Quadrant.
>She, like her father, loved certain things
NASH: Like bedpans and plungers and ball peen hammers and spackle.
>and crystals, emeralds, and
>other such valued things amused her. She was truly Human.
SAMANTHA: Even though she was a hedgehog like Sonic. It makes no sense,
really!
>To see these
>things as a worth for money. But she also saw them like a Mobian did, to
NASH: Snuggle up to the smooth, shiny surfaces as you would --
BRET: [punches Nash in the head] And just stop right there!
>love the natural beauty. Perhaps this is what made her lose her alertness,
STEVE: Stupid natural beauty. God, I hate it!
>a Webcrawler flung it's web around her and tightened its grip.
SAMANTHA: Oh no! Spider-man's gone bad again!
MARK: Hopefully, it'll be Carnage in a mass-murdering mood.
>She
>screamed loudly and with her blade ripped the webbing. She turned around
>and saw a huge spider, around four times her size, Sonya had a few
>weakness,...1) fear of rape,
BRET <sickly>: *There's* an image that'll haunt my nightmares.
SAMANTHA: Look on the bright side. Maybe it'll mate and then kill.
BRET: Couldn't it just kill?
>2) Fear of Water 3) Fear of vomiting,
SAMANTHA: Hence why she's so fat. She could never be bulimic.
>4) Fear
>of Spiders. She screamed again in the monsters ear,
MARK: I'd just like to take this opportunity to point out that spiders
don't have ears. Thank you.
>it jumped back and hissed at her.
SAMANTHA: <disgusted> Some fighter. Scream at the sight of a spider.
NASH <spider>: Jump back now! Kiss myself!
>"Damn get away from me creature!" she held her blade weakly
MARK: ... Then fumbled it and dropped it. Can you say hedgehog sashimi?
I know you can...
>at it, it hissed again and she struck it.
STEVE: Sonya started it! That means that she'll get suspended while the
spider will just have ISS.
>Strange green ooze splash from
>the wound, some hit Sonya, she cried out realizing her skin felt as if it
>was burning. "Acid" was the one word that repeatedly flowed through her
>mind, "acid",
BRET <Sonya>: I wish I had some really good acid...
STEVE: Whoa! It's an Alien!
MARK: Maybe she's finally realizing what made Kefka write this story.
>she collapsed from the pain. Slowly she fell into a sleep,
STEVE: Acid burns always make me drowsy, too.
>but before she did she saw a shadow looming over her. . .
SAMANTHA: The spider ate her and the fanfic was short one stupid character.
>
>
> * * *
>
MARK: Forecasters report a 50% chance of a blizzard.
ALL: BURY THE FANFIC! BURY THE FANFIC!!
>
> Wacky Workbench was a zone filled with electrical machines and
>troublesome bumpers.
NASH: But the bumpers weren't nearly as bad as the *grinders*...
SAMANTHA: This must be one of those bonus levels that you couldn't find
in the game.
J-BOOGIE: It's a level in the Sonic game for the Sega CD.
BRET: You had a Sega CD?!
JB: No! They made it for the PC a couple of years later. Nyahh! Ok, I'll
leave now.
>Knuckles looked from the safety of an edge.
STEVE: Adam Copeland?
>Tails
>hovered over it and smiled. "Man Knuckles this is gonna be hard."
> "Not Really Tails...you have the power of Lightning right?"
MARK: So do I. Wanna see?
[MARK begins charging up a lightning bolt]
BRET: Ack! Not in the theater!
SAMANTHA: Oh wow! Cool, a man who can be cute *and* powerful!!!
<snuggles up to Mark again>
[Nash growls again and inadvertently rips the arm off of his chair]
> "Yeah, so?"
BRET <Tails>: What's it to you, mortal?
> "What's the weakness of lightning?"
NASH: Rubber?
> "Umm....Water!"
> "Then? get casting!" Tails smiled again and started to chant.
ALL: GOOOOLD-BERG, GOOOOLD-BERG...
>The
>wind began to change dramatically as clouds formed over the workbench zone,
>thunder, then lightening then a downpour or Rain.
STEVE: One or the other. We're not sure which.
>Tails strained his magic
NASH: [groaning and grunting] Come on... Immodium AD is supposed to work
quickly...
BRET: DAMMIT, NASH!!
>hoping to flood and short out everything before they move in.
MARK: Little did Tails know that the badniks had built a great ark.
>"Your great
>Kid! many is the times I wish I had that power."
SAMANTHA: <singing> I've got the power, power, power...
STEVE: Many is the times I wish that this story would end.
> "Its all in the wrist Knuckles!" yelped Tails.
NASH: Actually, it's all in the *hips*.
SAMANTHA: You never give up, do you?
NASH: No.
>"Just gotta know
>when to quit and went to show no mercy!" at that moment Antoine and Locy
>slowly advanced on the drenched floor.
SAMANTHA: Slipping, their heads cracked against the ground and they
died.
BRET: And there was much rejoicing.
ALL <blandly>: Yay.
> "I think he took care of the problem." Said Locy.
> "I think so..too....but....do you think we ruin Knuckles and Tails
>celebration by telling them they probably alerted the whole squadron of
>SWATbots on the Little Planet?"
MARK: Ha ha. This is so droll.
BRET: So, everything goes crazy when the weather changes.
> "Naw Antoine, let them have their fun... I'm sure we can handle a
>few hundred Swats..."
STEVE: I'll like to give you a few hundred swats...
> she kissed him on the nose.
NASH <Locy>: You'll never get any, loser!
>Antoine blushed a bright
>red. "its Mecha Sonic I'm more worried about..."
STEVE: It's a furry hentai scene that I'm worried about.
BRET: Foreshadowing, folks!
>
>
> * * *
>
>
> Sonya Let out a loud groan as she tried to sit up, but...she
>couldn't...her body was latched down. She attempted to open her eyes and
>focus but only managed to see blurs, she craned her neck and looked at
>herself. Sonya was naked,
ALL: GYYYYYYAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!
SAMANTHA: No! Not one of these scenes!
MARK: The Lord of Darkness is not amused. If this scene goes any
farther, Kefka will REST IN PEACE!
NASH: I'd prefer he rest in *pieces*.
>at first she noticed this horrible feeling
>between her legs and wondered what it was.
[STEVE is beginning to hyperventilate]
STEVE: Oh no, oh no, oh *no*...
BRET: Come on, man! We survived Oscar, we can survive this!
> The moment she realized it, she
>felt sick to her stomach. "Sonic, how do you expect me to find tails and
>'twan for you if you keep doing this it me!" she whispered. Much to her
>surprise another voice spoke.
SAMANTHA: Hopefully it'll be a good author there to let her go and end
the fanfic.
JOLT: Sorry, but I couldn't make it.
MARK: Would you people quit doing that?!
LYNX: Well, it gets lonely at the keyboard...
> "It isn't Sonic little one.... but the hedgehog is of my
>blood....as you are also."
MARK: Oh sweet Jesus, no. Not *him*. This is grosser than thinking about
Paul Bearer doing it!
>Sonya nearly screamed at the voice...a lump
>developed in her throat an didnt go down, she wanted to throw up, choke and
>die.
STEVE: Which, oddly enough, is what I want to do! [Steve then breaks out
into disturbing nervous laughter]
SAMANTHA: I don't think your friend is taking this too well.
BRET: Can you blame him?
> ". . . . . is it you? can it be? but...you died...you died....damn
>it... YOU DIED!!!!" she screamed.
NASH <Sonya>: You can only come back from the dead in Marvel books!
>"Why!!! why did you do this to me!?
>why!!"
MARK: Because Kefka has issues.
> "Come now Sonya, being away from any female for this amount of
>time...I could hardly resist." it cackled.
NASH <Voice>: Yeah, all that time in jail was really hard on my ass...
STEVE: ARGH!!
> "But for goddesses sake..." she started to sob. "I'm your
>daughter...."
ALL: GYYYYYYAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!
SAMANTHA: *burp* Yuck, more incest... I think I'm going to be sick.
BRET: Man, Kefka *does* have issues.
STEVE: Mark, can you kill me, please?
MARK: No. Hush, the hentai scene will be over soon.
>
>
> * * *
>
>
> Mecha Sonic watched from high above ground. The two tailed hero
>and the black echidna and the other two ran through Wacky workbench and
>were nearing the end, he needed to stop them before they reached Metallic
>Madness.
NASH <Randy Savage>: *Feel* the Madness surround you!
>A smile crossed his face, his pointy teeth gleamed brightly,
BRET <Mecha>: Gotta remember to use a toothbrush next time, not a file.
>he'd have
SAMANTHA: Some shorter sentences. Those run-ons were beginning to tire
him out.
>his fun and do his job all in one.
>
> * * *
>
>
> "How could you do this damn it. . . .all those years I helped you."
> "All those years you betrayed me."
BRET: And Robotnik was such a loving father figure, too.
SAMANTHA: ACK! Back to this crap!
> "You expected me to kill my brother... my friends...my love!" Sonya
>felt her straps detach, she leaped up and in a defensive posture. "I will
>NEVER follow your ways again ROBOTNIK!!" The large man appeared from the
>shadows,
STEVE: ...so Batman immediately ran-in and kicked his ass for ripping
off his shtick.
>he looked the same as he did the days of the destruction of his
>Dooms Day device,
MARK: Robotnik had one, too?
>however, he seemed stronger, crueler, evilier, his eyes
>glow with a strange power.
NASH: He was the Six Million Dollar Hackneyed Villain.
SAMANTHA: He had been given a small portion of a self-inserted author's
power.
>Sonya noticed this all and felt some what
>uncomfortable with it. That and the fact she was facing her foe naked.
BRET: And the fact that she just got BRUTALLY RAPED BY HER FATHER!!
STEVE: Don't remind me. PLEASE, don't remind me.
>"What do you expect of me Robotnik? are you going to use me as a play thing
>as my brother Sonic is?"
MARK: So Sonic is also Robotnik's plaything?
[Steve turns green and falls out of his seat]
MARK: I'm just trying to figure out Kefka's crappy grammar.
>she looked down. "I left earth for this? to be
>raped, used, beaten. . . I should have stayed in Los Angeles."
NASH <Sonya>: In LA, you get raped, used, beaten, AND there's
earthquakes, droughts, and riots!
SAMANTHA <Sonya>: Even though there isn't a Los Angeles on our world,
but you get the point.
> "True what I did to you I have no regrets on doing..."
SAMANTHA: Talk about your twisted family!
BRET <Robotnik>: [singing] When you feel like some incest, then take
your daughter when it's best...
[Steve immediately punches Bret as hard as he possibly can]
STEVE: STOP THAT!!
> "Neither does Sonic."
NASH <Sonya>: You're both bastards! I'm going back to Knuckles and
Tails! At least they do it at the same time!
STEVE [holding his stomach]: Nash... you're not helping...
> "However I want to help you....that Hedgehog almost killed
>me...cost me my Empire and I want revenge."
STEVE: And raping somebody is the *best* way to tell them that you want
to be their ally!
NASH: Couldn't he just give her a T-shirt?
>He walked away from Sonya,
STEVE: Not seeing her approaching from behind. His neck was easy to
snap, she found...
SAMANTHA: A bit bitter, are we?
STEVE: Can you blame me?
>Sonya looked around an saw her clothing neatly folded in a stack.
MARK: For some reason, that really bothers me. How many rapists neatly
fold their victim's clothes?
>she quickly got dressed.
ALL: Thank you!
> "Help me...oh FINE way of showing it..." she buckled her belt. "By
>the by... how come your alive?"
SAMANTHA: It's called a plot device.
BRET: See, the Phoenix Force actually made a duplicate of his body, and
sealed the real Robotnik in a cocoon below the Hudson river. He
hibernated there until the Avengers found him.
> "That Stupid Hedgehog thought he had killed me in that final War.
STEVE <British>: But it was only a flesh wound!
>But he was wrong, he came close to it. I used an experimental
>transportation beam and warped to a space station I have hidden in the
>Darksun sector near Mobius."
SAMANTHA <Robotnick voice>: I got it from a StarFleet garage sale.
NASH: I wonder if anybody made *him* read crappy fanfics?
>He sighed. "however, the beam was slightly
>damage during transportation.
MARK: Its Deus Ex Machinizer got stuck.
>Thus I was stuck here, only to sit and watch
>that bungling idiot Snively ruin most of the world and kill many Mobian
BRET: <Robotnik> But at least it was something to do on a lonely Friday
night...
>that would have made good Robotic slaves."
NASH <Robotnik>: Yes, slave! Please me!!
SAMANTHA: [punches Nash] Kefka is bad enough! Quit it!
> "Ah he wasn't into roboticization to much....he preferred murder
>more."
SAMANTHA <Sonya>: At least he did after being written by Kefka.
BRET: The sad thing is that some *good* Sonic authors also tried to pass
off Snively as a massive threat.
> "I know, in the mean time I located knothole village and would have
>LOVED to destroy it...but this would only make Snively gain the upper
>hand... for years I had to root for the hedgehog to destroy that fool."
SAMANTHA: Oh, the irony.
> "Whoa...you rooting for my brother...."
MARK: Something you won't see *me* do.
STEVE: What masterful inverting of the classic Sonic/Robotnik
relationship!
> "As the time progressed Sonic won and took over, also the station
>began to lose power, and strange forces emitted from the sector Darksun..
MARK: Easily the crappiest of the AD&D campaign worlds.
>.. it changed things...." Robotnik looked down.
SAMANTHA <Robotnik>: I lost my area.
>"I only now discovered what
>it was....the darksun isn't a sun but in fact an eternal moon. It bathed
>me in its light and changed my body filling it with a magnificent power."
NASH: It was like drinking lots of Jolt!
SAMANTHA: Don't think that'll get you any brownie points with me.
JOLT: Nor me...
MARK: Ahem...
JOLT: Sorry.
> "heh what did it do make you immortal?" Laughed Sonya. Robotnik
>didnt respond, Sonya felt her heart jump through her throat again.
BRET: It landed on the floor with a sickening thud.
>she hit
>the nail on the head.
STEVE: And looked the gift horse in the mouth, which was worth two in
the bush that had counted their chickens before they hatched.
>"Your immortal now?"
> "Among other things...."
NASH <Robotnik>: Yes, for like Servo... I'M HUGE!
> "other things?"
MARK: Like bedpans and plungers and ball peen hammers and spackle.
SAMANTHA: Oh boy, I have a *really* bad feeling about this.
> "I now have the power of the moon, Lunar magic, and the ability to
>change my form."
SAMANTHA: Robotnik *is* Sailor Moon.
NASH: AGH! Robotnik in a little dress!
SAMANTHA: Heh, heh, heh...
MARK: My my, you can certainly be cruel.
SAMANTHA: Thank you.
>he closes his eyes and chanted slowly.
ALL: AUS-TIN! AUS-TIN!
>Sonya watched as
>his human body covered with a dark black fur, his face lost its humanity
>(what little it had) and slowly malformed to that of a wolf.
BRET: Who's been letting Kefka play 'Werewolf: the Apocalypse'?
>Robotnik's
>boots and clothing tore as bulging muscles appeared.
MARK: For whenever Dr. Ivo Robotnik becomes angry or enraged, a
startling metamorphosis occurs...
SAMANTHA: Wow! All that time at the gym really paid off!
>"This is what I am
>now, cursed to have the form of a Mobian inside of me." Robotnik let off a
>howl,
NASH: I don't care what he looks like, he's still not Wolfpac.
>Sonya wanted to run to him and embrace his body.
ALL: GYYYYYYAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!
STEVE [whimpering]: She's attracted to her dad... she actually has the
*hots* for *her dad*...
SAMANTHA: <stands up and starts charging a Ki blast> Don't you *dare* go
further then that line!
>Such a strange
>feeling of arousment, his body his scent, it was driving her half insane.
BRET: But -- it smells like a man.
STEVE: Why, God, why?
>It was a good thing he twitched and dropped to his hands and scratched
>behind his ear with his hind leg. That broke the spell over Sonya, she
>couldn't help but laugh.
MARK: Ha ha! It's kooky!
SAMANTHA: [sits back down] Good.
>He glared at her and she stopped cold. "This is
>what I must endure...
NASH <Robotnik>: Damned fleas!
>now will let me help you destroy Sonic for my
>revenge....."
SAMANTHA <Sonya>: I'll think about it... and don't call me Will.
> "How can I refuse, your the only way I can get off this station, if
>I kill you I'm stuck here. But make no mistake Robotnik, I will not help
>you remove one dictator for you to simply become the next!"
BRET <Sonya>: You'll have to help us establish a multi-party democratic
system.
> "dear Sonya, do you think I would do this to you?"
> "Yes!"
> ". . . .Truly you are wise beyond your years...."
SAMANTHA: Which is more than what could be said about the author.
>
>
>
> * * *
>
>
> They finally arrived at Star Dust Speedway,
STEVE <thick southern accent>: Now 'ol Rusty Wallace is comin' up on
Jeff Gordon...
SAMANTHA: <makes coughing noise>
MARK: Maybe they should have cleaned up a bit. After all, it *is* quite
dusty.
>fastest zone on the
>Little Planet,
NASH: Man, that Star Dust Speedway is one fast mutha...
BRET: Shut yo mouth!
NASH: Just talkin' bout Star Dust Speedway. Can you dig it?
>a monument to Sonic The Hedgehog, a large statue that once
>held the figure of Dr. Robotnik now held the bust of Sonic the Hedgehog.
STEVE: AAAH! Sonic's a hermaphrodite like Oscar!
>memories of how he had defeated Mecha in a race and conquer Robotnik here
>was loved by all Little planet residents...well WAS loved. Tails ran
>quickly past the killer badniks and deadly traps, he used his magical aura
>as a shield when incoming projectiles shot out of no where.
SAMANTHA: <yawns> Stuff happened.
NASH: People died. Wanna do it?
SAMANTHA [Smacking Nash in the head]: BAKA YAROU!
NASH: Ow! I was just trying the direct approach!
>Knuckles
>Glided over Them with ease, never worrying about the badniks after all
he
BRET: -- paid them off.
>was red claw...feared by all.
SAMANTHA: And robots don't have feelings, but who cares! After all,
they *were* scared.
>Antoine and Locy stay close together and
>made chase of Tails and Knuckles,
BRET: Oh, I get it. A fox-hunt.
>Locy used her powerful whip to snag hooks
>or edges and fling over them with ease,
STEVE: Now if you could just fling Antoine into a pit, then all would be
right with the world.
SAMANTHA: What about dark Sonic?
STEVE: Details, details...
>Antoine would use his blade to cut
MARK: He slices! He dices! He even makes julienne fries!
>through just about anything that got in his way. They had reached the
end
STEVE: The fic is over! WE'RE FREE!!
BRET: Sorry, Steve-o, but there's more...
STEVE: NOOOOOO!!!
>of the zone where a long track awaited, but also a metallic Hedgehog
also
NASH: Also also also *also*...
>stood. "greetings," he grinned, "And how are we today?"
SAMANTHA: None too good. You see, we're stuck here and forced to read
this... Oh, you mean them. Sorry.
MARK <Tails>: Cliched and badly written! You?
> "Mecha Sonic!" Tails drew his blade. "You come for a fight?!"
NASH <Mecha>: No, I come for 50 bucks. I'll fake it for 25.
SAMANTHA: [really beating on Nash] SHUT UP!!
> "Not really twirp, I came to do what I was sent to do, kick your
>butts and give you to the master."
SAMANTHA: Kicking butts usually does mean a fight.
> "Seesh Yeah right! we've eluted your master
MARK: <Unknown> Yeah! We've even violined him! Get it? We strung him up!
Hah! I kill me!
STEVE: But you're already dead...
> for this long, what
>makes you think we'll go down now."
BRET: Give Kefka a few pages, and God only knows what position you'll be
in.
SAMANTHA <confused>: *Now* who's talking?
> "Ya only eluted him cause he hasn't send me to do the job until
>now."
STEVE <Mecha>: Sonic's kinda stupid like that.
>Mecha started to glow a light red, his quills enlarged.
NASH: bomp-chicka-bomp-wow...
STEVE: GYAH! Not again!
SAMANTHA: More than one... Urotsukidoji, anyone?
>"I'm immune
>to most attacks punks. give me your best shot or listen to my seconds
>proposal..."
SAMANTHA: He does have quite a few of them.
MARK: I hope it's not an *indecent* proposal.
> "Which is?" replied Tails.
> "A race, I want to whoop you in a race,
BRET: Wow, Mecha likes Stone Cold too!
SAMANTHA: How could anyone *not* like Stone Cold?
>win and I let you go, lose
>and...heh well....Sonic will have some fun thinking up your torturous
>deaths."
SAMANTHA: And they're gonna be dumb enough to fall for this?
NASH: You have to ask?
> "none of us are fast enough to beat you."
NASH: So stand still if you *really* want a spanking...
SAMANTHA: Ugh... I give up, he'll never stop.
NASH: That's right, I *never* stop... nudge nudge...
SAMANTHA: [punches him in the head]
> "None of you are strong enough to beat me in a fight also....so
>what's it gonna be...."
>
> "I say, I'll take that race tin can!" Everyone turned around
>quickly to find the source of the new voice,
MARK: ... the Flash, and boy, was he pissed.
>they all gasped when they saw
>Sonya and Dr. Ivo Robotnik standing side by side.
STEVE <as everyone>: Oh my god! It's a resurrected character!
>"I'll take that race and
>whoop your ass good!"
NASH: Hah! I was right!
>she turned and looked at Knuckles, she felt herself
>go slightly limp.
SAMANTHA: ...just like Knuckles always did!
>His face his body it was him, she wanted to go and hug
>him tightly, and never leave his arms. She could tell he wanted to same,
>but now they couldn't. "what do you say Rin Tin Tin?"
SAMANTHA: Oh, such witty repartee.
BRET: This whole story feels like a long, dirty, Hogan rant.
> "I'll take that race!" he growled. "And its good to see you former
>master."
> "Betrayer Machine...." the Doc Whispered. "Its not enough working
>for that fool Snively you had to stoop so low as to work for the Hedgehog."
SAMANTHA: It's a machine for crying out loud! Whoever programs it,
controls it!
NASH: Yeah, just give him some RAM chips, an anti-static spray, and
Mecha's a happy death machine.
> "Hey a guys gotta make a living somehow...sides...Sonic is the best
>master I've ever had. So back off tubbo."
SAMANTHA <Mecha-Sonic voice>: He gives me plenty of WD-40 and oil!
>Mecha crouched down in a runners
>starting position, his blasters fired up and he grinned at Sonya. "You
>ready?"
MARK: Break it down!
[Everyone except Bret and Samantha begins doing the Degen-X theme]
> Sonya removed her large boot heel with her blade and grinned back.
STEVE: What the hell kind of Huntress wears high heels into an
enemy-infested area?
SAMANTHA: A badly written one. Jamie would never make me do something
that stupid.
JOLT: Right on!
BRET: How are these people getting *in* here?
JB: That's for us to know, and for you to figure out.
>"I was born ready..." She blasted off before he could even reply.
NASH: So Sonya communes with the Speed Force.
>A moments hesitation and he rocketed off after her, They raced down the
>twisty, hard turn StarDust freeway speedway, Sonya leapt over a few badniks
BRET: The 1000 meter death hurdle, folks.
>which Mecha simply destroyed with the sheer force of his weight smashing
>into them at lightening speed.
MARK: He was going so fast, he was losing weight!
SAMANTHA: You know, if this action gets any faster, someone is bound to
get hurt.
> "Is this all you can do wench? Ohh Sonic's gonna be plenty mad at
>you for doing this! becoming a Rebel Freedom Fighter."
> "I always have been one Mecha! he use to be one too, and the jerk
>went evil!
STEVE: Man, I hate it when jerks go evil.
> he's written his own fate! and now you can eat my figure 8!"
SAMANTHA: You're supposed to be running, not ice skating, you idiot!
>Sonya stopped and revved her feet up at such speed blurs of black and blue
>green formed into that of a eight.
SAMANTHA: That's gotta hurt a bone or two.
BRET: And this is useful how?
>Mecha's eyes turned dark red as he sped
>up trying to maintain a sensible distance from the stationed Hedgehog,
NASH: Mecha was a good, sensible, evil, killing machine.
>but
>it was too late for it, Sonya released her anchored feet and exploded in a
>blaze of light,
SAMANTHA: And died. The end.
>screaming in both pain and victory,
MARK <Sonya>: WHEEE! IT'S FUN!!
>she bolted past Mecha
>knocking him down and ripping a limb from his shoulder. "hey if you cant
>smell the chili dogs stay outta the kitchen!" she laughed right before
>running into a wall and smashing her face in....
SAMANTHA: And dying. The end.
STEVE: Wow. It's a metaphor for this story.
>but none the less she won
>the race.
>
>
> * * *
>
> "Ouch! ouch! watch it owww!" whined Sonya, as Locy took some
>alcohol to her bleeding nose.
SAMANTHA: Dammit! She's still alive!
BRET: BOO!
>Locy tried to be gentle
NASH: She used fur-lined handcuffs.
>to the nearly broken
>nose but it was impossible with a squirming hedgehog.
> "Oh hush now Sonya, The more you struggle the more times you make
>me accidentally poke this q-tip to hard." Sonya tried to relax but seeing
>Knuckles there looking at her,
MARK <little kid voice>: MO-OM!! Billy's looking at me!
>waiting, wanting, wishing, to hold her in
>his arms made her rile more. Knux walked to her and sat down next to her,
>he put his arm around her and pulled her close.
SAMANTHA: *CRACK*!
STEVE <Sonya>: AAAH! MY SPINE!
>Locy realized that this
>wasn't the time to be doing Sonya's Healing, she had already stopped most
>of the bleeding. She got up and walked back to Antoine.
SAMANTHA: Please oh please don't let this develop into a lemon scene...
NASH: Nah. In Kefka's world, sex and violence are pretty much the same
thing.
> "Knuckles....god its been so long...."
NASH <Knuckles>: Of course it's long... the better to please you, my
dear...
BRET: NAAAAAAASH!! One more and it's Sharpshooter time!
> "Yes," he kissed her on the lips, carefully avoiding her wounded
>nose. "I missed you more then I could ever describe." she positioned
>herself atop his lap and placed her hand between his legs.
SAMANTHA <Sonya voice>: My god, it's so small!
BRET: SAMANTHA!
SAMANTHA: Sorry.
>Tails eyes
>widen and suddenly looked at the others who were mocking.
ALL <others>: Mock, mock, mock.
> "Uhh BLIND LIGHT!!" he called and a blast of light spread across
>Dr. Robotnik, Antoine's, Locy, Mechas, and himself, they were temporarily
>blind.
ALL: <places hands over eyes>
STEVE: This is great!
> "How DARE you do this fox!" Robotnik roared.
> "Hey Shut up man, they need their privacy." replied Tails. All the
>commotion interrupted Knux and Sonya.
> "hey its O.K., we aren't gonna do anything."
NASH <Sonya>: At least not with Mr. *Limpy* here.
>Sonya chanted and
>screamed
ALL: HOGAN SUCKS!
>"Heal!" a whisking light ran across their eyes. Tails opened his
>peepers and smiled.
BRET: You know, Peepers are my favorite thing about Easter.
>"So what's the plan now? The Time Stones cannot be
>used to defeat Sonic it might erase our future."
SAMANTHA: And that would be a bad thing because...
> "That's what we've been trying to warn gun-ho Echidna 'bout over
>here." Said Antoine.
ALL: SHUT UP, ANTOINE!!
> "So then how do we take him out?" Asked Locy.
BRET: Well, first, I suggest giving him chocolates. Then take him to an
expensive restaurant...
> "Lets just over power him!" Roared Robotnik again.
MARK: Cliché number 4076: Big guy stupidly wants to use brute force.
> "Oh sure, a guy with the chaos Emeralds and other mystical powers
>and were suppose to defeat him. Righhhtttt Robuttnik." hissed Tails.
STEVE <Tails>: See? I'm being sarcastic!
>"What help are you going to be in this fight? all you'll do is get in the
> way!"
NASH: Hell, somebody that big is *always* in the way!
> "uhh Tails?" squeaked Sonya. "He's got a few new powers...."
> "like?"
> "like this Two Tailed Freak!"
MARK: OH MY GOD! He's got a two-tailed freak!
>Robotnik did his transformation again
BRET: MOON PRISM POWER!!
>and looked down at the fox from his towering height, Tails gulped slightly
>but drew his blade.
SAMANTHA: Would you *please* put that pencil and sketch pad away and
take out your sword?
>"Hmm you have guts. This is a good trait in a
>leader." Robotnik remained in the wolf form.
STEVE: That's really going to eat up his MP.
>"I will stay this way, no
>need to let everyone know who I am." He thought for a moment "Don't call me
>by Robotnik anymore, Robo's fine, Doc is fine, but if you must call me a
>full name....call me Lunarus."
SAMANTHA: Sounds like the new line of Volkswagens.
NASH <Tails>: Really? Darn, and I was gonna call you Uranus. [snickers]
>they nodded. "Well then, shall we head
>back to knothole?"
MARK <Robotnik>: Well, you want to take your mortal enemy to your inner
sanctum?
> "Hey just one seconds fat boy." Mecha Sonic growled. "The race is
>hers, but I still gotta job to do."
> "I didnt think you were a fair machine." sneered Robotnik.
> "Hey hold on now, I don't mean I need to attack you, I mean let me
>join you master." Mecha looked down. "Call this a crappy code of honor.
SAMANTHA: And that would be ER67-9O2N right?
>But Sonic is not gonna let me go back to him after letting Sonya escape
>with ease.
NASH: Then just kill her! There's nothing stopping you!
>He wont consider my code of honor fair.
BRET: In fact, I bet he'll consider it a crappy plot device.
>So please let me join you, I can be of help."
STEVE: This is a bit like me joining the nWo.
BRET: I wonder if I should tell him...
SAMANTHA <Mecha-Sonic>: Besides, I need to save my own ass.
NASH: And what a fine ass it is!
SAMANTHA <punches Nash>: Baka!
> "Its not my choice, I follow Sonya." replied Robotnik, they looked
>at Sonya.
BRET: <Sonya> Yes, he *IS* a good slave, isn't he?
> "Well, I follow Knuckles." she replied, they looked at Knuckles.
STEVE: <Knuckles> She likes the leash.
> "Well I don't follow anyone but I'll follow Antoine," They looked
>at Antoine.
MARK: <Antoine> Yes! The hypnotism book worked!
> "I will follow Locy, only for the simple reason I think I'm in
>love." they looked at the blushing Locy.
SAMANTHA <Locy>: I only want him for cheap sex.
NASH <Antoine>: Works for me!
> "Well, I'm going to follow Tails, he saved my life." The deciding
>vote laid on the leader.
SAMANTHA: That's one heavy vote!
MARK: That said on, not out.
SAMANTHA: Oh.
STEVE: So if we could get Tails to jump off a cliff, then we could get
rid of the whole cast!
> "Uhh, damn, I'm the youngest of the bunch and I gotta
>decide....ugh...fine Mecha you can come."
BRET: That was a well thought and strategically made decision.
SAMANTHA: I won't even touch that one.
> "Thank you, now let me show you a quick exit back down to
>Mobius...."
>
NASH <Mecha>: Right through here! Man, there is this *huge* plothole!
>
>
>
>
> * * *
>
>
>
><back at Sonotropolis>
SAMANTHA: Which is only a little ways away from *Me*tropolis.
MARK: Which is across the river from *Mega*lopolis
>
> Sonic knew Sonya betrayed him, he could feel it, he felt it in his
>mind, body and soul.
SAMANTHA: That and the fact that she sent him an e-mail that read: Dear
Sonic, I betrayed you, Love Sonya.
>Today was not a good day to be around the dark one,
NASH: Yes, for it was that time of the month.
SAMANTHA: [rips off the back of her seat and belts Nash in the head
with it]
>he lost his greatest fighter Sonya, there were no reports from Mecha,
and
BRET: -- his subscription to "Seventeen" hadn't come in yet!
>Sally was not pregnant. He took his rage and hate out on her,
STEVE: Gee, do you think taking your rage and hate out on her *might*
just be the reason why she's not pregnant?
>and now she
>was cornered in his quarters alone as he loomed over her.
SAMANTHA <Tom Servo>: I'M HUGE!!!
BRET: Damn that Sonic, with his weaving utensils!
>Sally pushed
>herself back into a corner so tight as if she attempted to sink into the
>wall or hide in the shadows.
MARK: So she's either Nightcrawler or Kitty Pryde.
>"I'm sure your finding this amusing Sally."
>he sneered. "Seeing me humiliated like this. Plus you not being gravid,"
SAMANTHA: 'Gravid'?
BRET: Looks like Kefka borrowed the Warrior's thesaurus.
>he picked her up by the neck
NASH: He's doing a chokeslam!
>and forced her to gaze into his dark eyes,
STEVE: He propped her eyelids open with toothpicks!
>his red pupils were now exposed with hate and rage. She stared at him and
>began to weep.
> "Please sire, please... I am not happy about this sire..." she
>cried. "don't hurt me."
MARK: The Lord of Darkness is going to be *very* unhappy if this turns
into another rape scene.
SAMANTHA: And the dark vigilante will be just as pissed.
STEVE: Not to mention the dark warrior.
>he tugged at her shirt violently.
SAMANTHA <Sonic>: Stupid shirt. God, I hate you!
> "you are in no position to make this demand princess."
BRET: She'd better not be in *any* positions *any*time soon!
>he whispered, slowly he tore at her shirt, she knew it was a futile attempt to
>fight him, one way or another he'd have his way. But the powerful princess
>had never truly given up hope that some day Sonic would be defeated, the
>news of Sonya and Tails had always brighten her spirits up,
NASH: And *of course* Sally was completely incapable of doing anything
for herself!
>the future
>Freedom Fighters were still alive and reeking havoc for Sonic.
STEVE: Man, those Freedom Fighters reek! What did they fall in, havoc?
SAMANTHA: This really sounds like a part of the Star Wars Trilogy.
MARK: Star Wars never had Vader boinking Leia or Luke as a
mass-murdering rapist!
>Yes, she
>loved the information even though she would be beaten for every defeat
>Sonic experienced, but for every victory he would rape her. There was no
>winning to this situation, but every beating she got, she knew he lost
>something.
SAMANTHA: Like the chance of becoming a good guy again.
BRET: Ugh. And with every scene like this, I lose a little piece of my
soul.
>Every beating was a victory scar for her to remember.
NASH: You know, Sally must be pretty skankin' ugly after eight years of
this.
>Yes, she
>could count the victories Tails experienced, but she couldn't count Sonic's
>victories, there were far to many, it was remarkable how long she has
>remained unpregnated.
STEVE <angry>: *Gee*, *Sonic*, maybe the beatings have *something* to do
with it.
SAMANTHA: When a hedgehog and... What is Sally, anyhow?
BRET: I think she's a chipmunk.
SAMANTHA: Then I really think those species are incompatible.
MARK: Well, what about that... *tubie* thing?
SAMANTHA: She was created, not born.
MARK: Ah.
>Her thoughts always remained on her comrades, Tails,
>Sonya and Antoine. When she slept with Sonic she would dream of thehappy
>times the old Sonic and her had, the times where Robotnik was the enemy and
>life was simple.
MARK: When everyone was in character.
>When he raped her, she thought of nothing but her old
>love Geoffrey St. John,
NASH: Because being raped by someone else would be so much better!
SAMANTHA: Who the hell is that?
BRET: He's this fairly lame British skunk that they wrote into the comic
book.
>she tried to think it was he who was doing this,
>not Sonic, it was someone she didnt care so much for who forced her to
>participate in this degrading action. She forced herself to think it was
>someone else who forcefully spread her legs apart and impel his erection
>into her.
ALL: GYYYYYYAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!
SAMANTHA: KYAHH!!! <stands up and starts charging her Ki blast>
STEVE: Nononononononononono...
BRET: Come on... you jobbed to Hogan, you can handle this...
>She tried to think all this, she tried hard, prayed that this
>was all just a horrible nightmare,
MARK: I'd like to think this story didn't really exist, too.
SAMANTHA: <growls and charges her Ki blast some more>
>just a horrible dream caused by to many
BRET: -- jelly bean and peanut butter pizzas before bed.
>battles With Robotnik, too many years away from her father,
NASH: Too many nights spent partying in Studio 54's drug-induced haze...
>too many
>problems keeping her from marrying her lover Sonic. But she knew it
>wasn't, she knew what was happening was real.
STEVE [on the verge of tears]: I know the feeling... oh, god, how I know
the feeling...
> Sally broke out of her trance like state and just now realized
>that she was on the floor bleeding from numerous wounds and Sonic laid upon
>her forcing himself inside her.
STEVE: AAAAAAGGHHH! DAMN YOU, KEFKA!
NASH: Man. The video game was nothing like that.
MARK: Neither was the cartoon. I'd hate to think what would've happened
to all the little kiddies if it was.
SAMANTHA: <growls and charges her Ki blast even more, eyes flashing an
intense red>
BRET: Oh no... get down, guys!
>She made no comment when she felt him
>thrust in her, which only angered Sonic, more.
SAMANTHA: BIG ASS BLAST!!!
[Samantha releases the blast and it impacts upon the screen a split
second after the wrestlers dive to the floor. A massive explosion rocks
the room and the backwash from the blast washes over the wrestlers.
Unfortunately Samantha was caught in the backwash and was thrown back
along with almost all of the theater's seats. After a few seconds,
everyone gets up and surveys the area. Except for the screen, with the
fanfic on pause, the entire place is wrecked. Chairs have been blown
apart and there are tremendous scorch marks on the walls. Coughing
slightly, Samantha gets up from under a pile of chairs, her suit all
gone except for a few modest rags.]
MARK: Impressive.
SAMANTHA: Thanks. I think I had that one building up for a long time.
<she notices Nash staring at her> Hey Nash, what do you think of
Sable?
NASH: Oh, Sable... <eyes glaze over>
MARK <to himself>: Well, I didn't mean just the blast, but... oh, well.
STEVE: Yeah, but now we've got to *stand* through the rest of this
thing!
SAMANTHA: Sorry about that. <pauses for a moment> But at least we've
only got two pages left.
WRESTLERS: <grumble a bit but resume riffing>
>Repeatedly she told herself
ALL: There's no place like home... there's no place like home...
>this was a dream and Someday she will be free From Sonic, and Free from
>pain......Free From Sonic, and Free From Pain....
BRET: I'd like to be free from Sonic and free from the pain, too.
SAMANTHA: <while keeping what's left of her suit in place> I think
someone has finally cracked.
NASH: Well, being in Kefka's world is gonna have a bad effect on anyone,
sooner or later.
>
>
><<END OF PART 2>>
[Everyone bursts into wild cheers]
>the saga continues!
[Everyone immediately falls silent]
>our adventurers will soon split
MARK: They're asexually reproducing! NO!
>and find their own way around Mobius and meet up to finally take down the Evil
>Sonic.
STEVE: Thanks for keeping the suspense up, Kefka..
>~~~Coming Soon~~~~ "You can do nothing"
SAMANTHA: Kinda describes us, don't it?
>
>Tails is haunted by horrible nightmares brought on by Sonics cruel magic,
>the raping of Princess Sally
ALL: Booo!!!
>and a challenge for Miles to come and stop all
>this. . .
SAMANTHA: Miles? Oh, Tails.
>will Tails yield to challenge or will he endure the nightmares?
BRET: Either way, it's gonna suck and we'll have to read it!
>
>Mecha Sonic.....Giving you none stop action when it comes to stories. (yeah
>right)
SAMANTHA: The story that puts itself down.
BRET: First truthful thing yet...
>
>
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>~~~~
>~~~~
SAMANTHA: Again with the lines?
>
>CAST OF CHARACTERS. . . .
SAMANTHA: Ahh!!! Not again!
NASH: You know, I could block out your view of the screen if you'd stand
*really* close to me... preferably with your tongue in my mouth...
[Samantha promptly kicks Nash in the cajones. Nash whimpers and
collapses to the ground]
MARK: Ooh, talk about giant-killing...
>
>Sonic The Hedgehog / The Dark Lord : Now the Dark Ruler of the new world,
>his dark actions will someday become his undoing....but when....
STEVE: Probably after he's raped every single character in this story at
least once.
BRET: Steve, no!
STEVE: It's true and you know it! We'll see Sonic and Antoine any
minute now!
SAMANTHA: STEVE!! That's sick! [suddenly grins] What do *you* think,
Kevin?
[NASH whimpers weakly in an incredibly high-pitched tone]
SAMANTHA: That's what I thought.
>
>Miles "Tails" Prowers / The Gray Fox : Miles was always a born leader, as
>his comrades begin to grow so do his worries 'bout if he has the right
>stuff and does he deserve their confidence....
MARK: You know, generic leader worries.
BRET [singing]: Oh oh oh-oh-oh... the right stuff...
>
>Antoine / Tony / T'wan : Antoine had always love the Princess Sally, but he
>found out one day that his true love was Bunny Rabot, now she is dead,
NASH <weakly>: And Antoine's still... a loser...
[Bret begins helping Nash up]
>and he has lived a very lonely life,
BRET: 'Going-to-see-Showgirls' lonely.
>but will that change with the appearance
>of Locy?
SAMANTHA: That jerk was always lonely, right?
GUYS: Right!
>
>Knuckles / Red Claw : Knuckles rage and hate for Sonic has lead him to find
>his lost love, after 8 long years away from her, his fire's ashes has been
>sparking and now are burning for her again.
STEVE: Kefka's subtle imagery... it's beautiful.
SAMANTHA: Someone get an extinguisher before he sets fire to what's left
of the forest!
>Is Knuckles still the
>romantic Sonya Remembers or has his years away, alone, and hate made him
>less emotional?
MARK: So Knuckles would be very *calmly* vengeful, then.
SAMANTHA: Cold vengeance is the *best* vengeance.
>
>Princess Sally : Sally continues to remain Sonic's slave. However as time
>passes and more good news spreads she is filled with happiness,
NASH: Among other things...
BRET: NASH!!
>the Freedom
>Fighters are not fully dead...she has trained Tails well, but suffers
>Sonic's wrath for ever battles he loses....
SAMANTHA: Hey, Kefka! Ever hear of the letter y? Try using it every once
in a while!
>
>Sonya Sho Eiji / Sonya Sho Robotnik : At last she has found her two long
>lost loves, Knuckles and her father. She has shown her love for both
>deeply
[Steve stares at the screen in horror and whimpers]
BRET: Be strong! Think pure thoughts!
NASH: Looks like Tails has been thrown to the curb...
>but if and when the times comes and she must once again
>choose...will time flow like a river and repeat itself?
MARK: Just like this story?
SAMANTHA: So cursing her father was just her means of expressing love.
God, these people are twisted.
>
>Locy Hottovy : Young Locy knows nothing of Mobius other then what her
>master has taught her, however love is not a foreign concept to her, is she
>having feelings for Antoine?
STEVE: Ew. I hope not.
>or is this all just a trick?
ALL: Trick! Trick!
>Dr. Ivo Robotnik / Lunarus: After years imprisoned on a space station in
>the DarkSun sector, Robotnik has had time to think of his past crimes and
>atrocities, has this big lug finally decided to go straight and help save a
>world he tried to take over?
NASH: Is that nutty Robotnik finally going to stop being an evil
bastard?
>or will his new found Lunar powers get the
>better of him?
BRET <dramatic>: *Will* Robotnik be corrupted by the Ginzuishou?
SAMANTHA: As soon as Sonic is out of the way, he'll just go evil again.
MARK: Doubtful. That would be far too in-character for our creative
friend Kefka.
>
>Mecha Sonic: though once Loyal to Robotnik, then To Snively, then Sonic,
>then Robotnik again, this Robot has quite a code of honor.
SAMANTHA: Yeah, and it starts off with saving his own ass!
>Only Robotnik
>seems to understand this code well and most likely will prove to be a
>faithful companion to the doctor...
STEVE: Hopefully not his *longtime* companion...
BRET: Steve! What's gotten into you?
STEVE: You read this story! How could I not be paranoid?
>however.... can Mecha just give up his
>programming to be loyal to Sonic so easily?
ALL: NO!
STEVE: Maybe he'll short circuit and explode, killing everybody in an
explosion of nuclear proportions... yeah... hee hee....
>
>All other Characters are strictly extras in this chapter.
NASH: They're just extras getting paid three cents a day to fill crowd
scenes.
SAMANTHA: Which means that they'll be killed off pretty soon.
BRET: Hey, it's over! Lets go!
STEVE: Oh, thank you thank you thank you...
[DOOR SEQUENCE... 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7...]
Finally back on the SON, the MSTiers were all coming down form Kefka's
story in various ways. Bret had gone back to work on the Satellite's
control console, trying to track down Bischoff. Steve and Mark had
pulled out the TV, VCR, and couch, and were in the process of watching
"Vision of Escaflowne" to clear their minds of Kefka. Samantha had gone
to get a change of clothes from the wardrobe the computer had replicated
for her. And as for Nash...
Mark and Steve suddenly looked up as Nash dashed through the bridge,
carrying a huge armful of what looked like women's clothes. Steve arched
an eyebrow at Mark, who simply shrugged his shoulders.
Nash came back onto the bridge a few minutes later, with an enormous
grin on his face. He stood behind Bret and asked, "So how's it goin'?"
"Finding Bischoff? Not that bad... in fact..."
The Viewscreen flared to life as the Satellite found Eric Bischoff's
life sign. He was running through one of Cefiro's thick forests, pursued
by the sorceress Alcione who had unfortunately mistaken him for a Magic
Knight. Her mystic unicorn steed was having some difficulty making
through the forest, and she was beginning to wish that she hadn't
summoned it at all. Soon, Eric was far ahead of her and nearly out of
forest.
Just outside of the forest, a powerful Guru was getting ready to bestow
the gift of magic on the three young girls who were the real Magic
Knights. Unfortunately, he wasn't counting on interference...
"Accept... MAGIC GIFT!!" the Guru cried, drawing a bolt of raw magical
energy from the sky. He channeled it through his hands, and then
directed towards the three girls who stood before him.
The wave never reached them. Instead it hit a panicked human who ran
blindly into its way. Both the mystic energy and the human disappeared
in a brilliant flash of light.
"THE HELL?!" Guru Clef exclaimed.
"Perhaps you should try again, Clef-san," noted the blonde girl.
Bischoff felt himself hurled through space and time again, this time
landing on a very hard surface. He pulled himself up, surprised to see
that he was neither hurt nor unconscious. He felt... different. He was
also very surprised to see that he was in his ring gear: nWo T-shirt,
black jeans, leather jacket, even a nifty pair of shades. As he tried to
take his bearings, he heard a feminine voice off to his right.
"Tsuki ni kawatte... OSHIOKIYO!!!"
The image on the Viewscreen suddenly faded away as the Satellite's Magic
voice announced, "Tranzz-mee-shion intarupp'ted bah luna
pozzi-shio-ning. Can rezume tranzz-mee- shion in a-proximuttly six
houwas."
"What?" Nash asked.
"I think it means that the moon's position is breaking up the
transmission. Pretty ironic," Bret replied. "I hope Bischoff can take a
lot of aggressive prettyness..."
Bret was interrupted by an angered female scream. Samantha stomped into
the room, her eyes glowing red, a clear signal that not only was she
tapping into the inner warrior's soul that gave her power, but that she
was also extremely pissed off. She was wearing a shiny black leather
halter top, *little* black leather shorts that were slit up the sides,
and a pair of shiny black wrestling boots that laced up to the knee.
Essentially, it was Sable's ring gear from Wrestlemania 14.
Nash grinned blissfully as the other guys tried really hard not to
stare.
"ALL of my clothes are like this," Samantha growled as she stared
angrily at Nash. "YOU WILL PAY!!"
"Some things are worth the price," Nash replied happily.
CONTINUED IN PART THREE!
BORING STUFF: All of the Copyright notices from part one apply here.
Sailor Moon is the property of Naoko Takeuchi/Toei animation, God bless
'em! ABSOLUTELY NO INSULT is intended toward FunkyK or Kefka the Dark
One/Mecha Sonic. Funky K wrote a fun little story that was more MSTable
than really bad. And as always, I still believe Kefka is a very
imaginative author with a lot of potential who just needs to quit doing
Dark Sonic lemons. I wish them both luck in the future!
LYNX'S NOTES: We're through round two! And believe it or not, round
three is even worse! Still, this has been a great story to do. After I
get through some of my other projects, I may tackle another series like
this. Any opinions on that? Anyhow, thanks go out to the Shadowman for
editing and adding a few jokes to the short and Karmacide for the Head
action figures idea. Major thanks go out to Meerkat294@aol.com (sorry if
the address is wrong), for sending me FunkyK's hilarious short. Mark's
conspiracy theory regarding Chris Jericho and J.J. Dillon is a shameless
rip-off of the hilarious 'Chris Jericho Conspiracy' article that appears
on www.ddtdigest.com. It's by Chan and Charlie, and it's really damn
funny. Go read it! Finally, I would like to thank RainyDayG@aol.com and
KaycieGrl@aol.com for sending me some very supportive comments regarding
MWT3K. You have no idea how much we MSTiers love that! Anyhoo, I hope
everyone enjoyed my latest efforts!
JOLT's NOTES: I am seriously beginning to think, as a member of the SVAM
review council, that if Kefka has any more fanfics like this, that there
should be a section set aside for him. This section *will* be called the
Pit of Kefka.
[Extra LYNX note: Actually, Kefka does have some Final Fantasy
fanfics...]
J-BOOGIE's NOTES: Yeeee!! Two down!! This is fun!! I don't have much to
say this time. So, catch ya'll next part! Yes, I am the modest one,
aren't I?
EXTRA JOLT!!! NOTE: Yes you are, JB.
E-mail Lynxara: lynxara@hotmail.com
E-mail Jolt!: xwing@uniserve.com
E-mail J-Boogie: WHolden535@aol.com
____________________________________________
> "hey if you cant smell the chili dogs stay out of the kitchen!" she
>laughed right before running into a wall and smashing her face in.....
Mystery Wrestling Theater 3000 post 104, round three:
'A sorceror, a demon, and Emeralds', part three.
Original story by Kefka the Dark One/Mecha Sonic
MSTIED BY: Alicia Ashby, a.k.a Lynxara
CO-MSTIED BY: Jamie Jeans, a.k.a. Jolt
CO-MSTIED BY: Justin Golden, a.k.a. J-Boogie
A warning from the Lynx: People, I think this is a good MSTing. But the
story itself is a lot darker and more graphic than the previous parts of
ASADAE. Read at your own risk!
Extra JB Note: I pray for your very souls...
Note from Jolt: Just like I pray for my own.
Now, on to the show!
________________________________________________________________________
Mark Calloway (a.k.a. The Undertaker) and Samantha Jones were usually
the first two up on the Satellite of Nitro. As such, they had taken to
spending their mornings together. Today, it was a tag-team game of
'Soul Blade' in the rec room.
"You... stupid... pirate!" Mark growled as he began pressing buttons
furiously on the controller.
"No! Don't Critical Edge! Don't Critical Edge!" Samantha tried to warn
him. "That makes your weapon..."
"... breakable." She winced as their character's sword fell to pieces.
"Damn!" Mark swore as he tried to back the character out of range.
"Okay... no big deal... we're using Hwang..." Samantha coached him.
"Just use the kick combo!"
"Right!" Mark agreed. Deciding to lay it all on the line, he had the
character run at full speed up to their opponent. He beautifully
delivered the triple-hit kick combo and won via ringout!
Mark and Samantha exchanged a victory high-five as Mark passed the
controller to her.
As Samantha began her fight, Mark unexpectedly said, "You know, we need
to do something about Nash. You know, the way he harasses you. It's
starting to get on *my* nerves."
"I know how you feel," Samantha growled back. It had escalated to the
point where Nash had replaced all of her regular clothes with Sable's
yesterday. So now, she was stuck wearing a super slinky black bodysuit
that showed far more of her cleavage than she liked and stiletto high
heels that she could barely walk in. She had taken to just walking
barefoot and carrying the stupid things around. "You have any ideas?"
"Actually, yes," Mark said with a dark smile. "It would be the perfect
way to mess with Kevin's head AND lacerate his ego at the same time."
Samantha began grinning wider and wider as she heard the details of
Mark's plan.
"That's horrible!" she said, although she was laughing as she did so.
"It's almost cruel!"
"I know," Mark grinned. "I like it too. Besides, I owe Nash for a lot of
grief from his Kliq days..."
As Samantha was ready to deal her death blow to Cervantes the pirate, a
massive power surge suddenly rocked through the game console. It
completely fried the Playstation and the CD inside, and Samantha quickly
dropped the controller as the surge fried it as well. After a few
minutes of static, an all-too-familiar face appeared on the screen.
"Greetings, booby and boobette!" Vincent K. McMahon greeted them. "And
how are your lives today? Miserable? Good! I hoped so!"
"Hello, *Vince*," Mark and Samantha growled at him in unison. It was
amazing that they had come to hate him nearly as much as the WCW guys,
and in a span of only two days!
"It's *that* time again, so move your carcasses to the bridge!" he
ordered. "And I'll be *very* unhappy if anyone's late!" With that, the
screen went back to static and the red warning lights began going off.
Samantha and Mark got up and proceeded reluctantly into the bridge.
They arrived to see the kind of early-morning madness that was usual to
the SON. Kevin Nash was still in the process of brushing his teeth; and
Steve Borden and Bret Hart were slumping tiredly against the walls.
"You two tried to settle that "Evangelion vs. Escaflowne" argument you
had last night, didn't you?" Samantha asked them.
"Uh-huh," they replied in sleepy unison.
"You stayed up all night watching episodes, didn't you?"
"Uh-huh."
"But I still think Escaflowne is the better show! Evangelion's all
hype!" Steve said aggressively.
"Oh, give it up," Bret returned. "You know Evangelion's got the best
character development and plot line in the world, bar none."
"Escaflowne's got all that, AND an ending," Steve replied bitterly.
"You call that crap an ending?"
"Boys, boys, there ain't no need to fight," said an all-too-familiar
goofy voice as the bridge's main Viewscreen clicked on. WWF
Intercontinental champion Rocky Maivia grinned ever-so-cheesily at them
from the depths of Titan 13, located deep below the wilds of
Connecticut. Samantha was still taken aback every time she heard him
talk; how did a black-Italian man end up with the voice of a white
game show host?
"But ya'll do need to shut yer damn mouths, and listen to what the one
true Lord of Darkness has to say!" Rock finished threateningly. Rocky
then stepped out of the camera to show Vince standing in front of his
Doomsday Device (newly christened the Deus Ex Machina).
Vince was grinning evilly again. "Greetings, too Much. As you know, I've
been doing quite a bit of work to make my Machine operational again, and
it's finally paid off!"
The inhabitants of the SON exchanged a worried glance at that.
"So I thought to myself: 'Vince, what's the most painful thing you can
do those morons? Make them cast members of Maho Tsukai Tai? Transport
them to the surface of Venus?' But no, I came up with one better. The
only thing worse than having to read the Kefkafic you're reading now
would be reading that Kefkafic... WHILE TRAPPED IN A THEATER WITH SCOTT
LEVY!!"
"Waven?" Kevin managed to mumble out around his toothpaste.
"No... you can't! Listening to Raven OR reading Kefka is enough to make
you snap... NOBODY could stand both!!" Bret said in panic at the
thought.
"Isn't that against the Geneva convention?!" Steve asked.
"Okay, what's going on?" Samantha asked Mark.
"Scott Levy is a WCW wrestler who calls himself Raven. His gimmick is
that he had an unhappy childhood, so he takes it out on everyone around
him by whining and spouting really bad poetry," Mark explained. "And,
well, I hear Scott's one of those guys who's never really out of
character."
"Ew," Samantha said as she tried to picture being stuck on a Satellite
with someone like that. She decided that it would end up being very bad
for this 'Raven' person's health.
"Prepared for the horror? No? GOOD!" Vince let out a burst of evil
laughter as he pulled the Deus Ex Machina's switch. The Machine then
glowed with its characteristic blue energy and shot a blue beam of it
into the space/time vortex that appeared above.
Back on the Satellite, everyone had taken cover behind Steve, who was
brandishing a polo mallet in anticipation of their guest. A blue point
of light appeared, and grew to materialize the form of...
...a fairly skinny teenager in blue jeans and a T-shirt drinking milk
out of a carton.
Steve dropped the polo mallet, and stared at the kid in shock along with
everyone else. The kid stared back, his mouth still full of unswallowed
milk. Finally, Nash mumbled out "Well, dat's a welief," and wandered off
to find a bathroom.
The kid did a spit-take as he realized who he was looking at (the woman
in the slinky bodysuit didn't hurt either). "You're... you're..."
"Uh-huh," Bret finished with a grin. He still liked being recognized.
The kid stared at Samantha, finally asking, "Are you a Nitro girl?"
"No," Samantha growled back at him.
He decided to leave the subject alone.
"So who are you?" Mark asked.
"Uhh... my name's Ryan," the kid replied.
"Only off by two letters this time, Vinnie Mac!" Steve grinned at the
Viewscreen.
Ryan turned to see Vince McMahon, owner of the WWF, swearing and kicking
things as Rocky Maivia tried to stay out of his way.
Ryan shook his head and muttered, "I should've *known* instant ramen and
Jolt don't mix before bed... what's going on here?" Steve took it upon
himself to explain things to Ryan, as Vince continued his tirade down in
Titan 13. Steve finished up at about the same time Nash came back on to
the bridge.
"... So, since we work for the competition, Vince hates us and makes us
read really bad internet posts."
Ryan rolled his eyes. "Gee, where have I heard *that* before? But if
that's the case, then why are UT and, um... her..."
"My name is Samantha," she said, slightly irritated.
"Oh, Sorry... why are they here?" Ryan made a mental note to himself to
- not* get caught staring at her.
"The same reason you are, kid. Because Vince can't run his Doomsday
Machine worth crap!" Mark replied.
"Shut up! Just shut up!" Vince yelled at them through the Viewscreen.
"Umm, boss... we've got a transmission coming in..." Rocky fearfully
announced. Both the SON and T 13 viewscreens went to split-screen mode
to accommodate the new caller.
The half of the viewscreen displaying the new call showed a very young
teenager (he looked thirteen) wearing a leather bodysuit and sitting
upon a dark throne. He held a squirming white cat in a crushing embrace,
and a very familiar feline fighting-game character was crouched at his
feet.
Ryan stared at the screen and sighed. "Just when ya think you get
away..."
Nash squinted at the screen. "Felicia? From Darkstalkers?"
"And isn't that Artemis? From Sailor Moon?" Mark added.
Samantha's eyes went wide with horror as she recognized the unholy
figure. "Oh my God..."
"OSCAR!" Steve and Bret exclaimed in the exact same dark tone. They both
still had very painful memories of 'Sailor Moon vs. the WWF'.
Ryan stared at the screen for a few seconds, before saying, "He doesn't
seem happy. Guess he has no idea how all this happened either."
The hermaphrodite did not look happy. He glared at the viewscreen and
began shouting, "What is the meaning of this?! Why did you remove MY
subject from Hentai Space?!" The SON inhabitants relaxed, as he was
clearly talking to Vince.
"Ahh... er... I assure you, Oscar, this was all just a simple
mistake..." Vince trailed off as it became clear that Oscar wasn't
listening any more. He had finally noticed the SON feed, and something
there had caught his attention.
Oscar flung Artemis aside and ran disturbingly close to the camera.
"You... it's *you*..." Oscar breathed in awe. Steve took this
opportunity to take off running into the Satellite's corridors.
"You're my favorite wrestler! BRET HART!!" Oscar squealed girlishly.
Bret responded by numbly backing away from the Viewscreen, grabbing hold
of the control console to keep from falling over.
Oscar immediately went on a markish tirade.
"OhBretyou'emyfavoritewrestleryou'rethebestandIrememberyourmatchwiththe
BritishBulldogfromSummerSlam..."
"That's... umm... nice, Oscar, but..." Bret managed to say weakly.
"...andIrememberwhatShawndidtoyouatSurvivorSeriesandIthinkhe'satotal
bastardnowandican'tbelievepeopelthinkhe'ssexybecauseyou'resomuchbetterlo
okingandyou'reinmuchbettershapeooohyoulooksogoodinpink..."
"Disgusting!" Nash exclaimed when he picked out the general drift of
Oscar's comments.
"Well, he is a hermaphrodite..." Ryan said. He didn't look like he was
faring much better than Bret.
"Wow, and I thought I got all the wackos," Mark commented.
Bret fought back a wave of nausea. "Oscar... we're getting into a really
weird area here..."
But Oscar kept blathering on, this time going on for about two or three
minutes about Bret's tights and how they fit him. Bret sank to floor in
agony. He wanted to run the hell away, but found that he couldn't...
In T 13, Vince began grinning maniacally as he had an incredibly evil
idea. "Oh Os-car..." he sang, getting the hermaphrodite's attention. "I
am soo sorry about accidentally stealing your boobie, and I want to make
it up to you. How about if I sent the Hitman to you in return? He's
proved himself as a real *Iron Man* on more than one occasion, so I'm
- sure* you could find a *use* for him..."
"*He* could give me a tongue bath!" Oscar exclaimed in joy as a rivulet
of drool ran out of his mouth. Nash promptly turned green and ran for
the back. Ryan didn't fare much better and passed out on the spot.
In T 13, Rocky stared at his overlord in disbelief. "Rock, charge up the
Machine!" Vince commanded, a Satanic smile on his face.
"But... you can't... that's going too far!" Rocky protested.
Vince glared back at him. "Charge up the Machine or *you* go with him,"
he growled. Rocky quickly scampered to the Deus Ex Machina control
banks. The machine began to hum and glow with blue energy...
"NO! *NOBODY* DESERVES THAT!!" Samantha screamed. She began trying to
run to Bret, hoping to pull him out of harm's way. After all, she owed
him allot for helping Jolt to free her of Pipkin's control. But she
found her legs wouldn't move. Her eyes glowed red as she tried to
overcome the paralyzing force that had immobilized her. "What is this?!"
she growled in frustration.
As he woke up, Ryan replied, "It's the Hermaphrodite Hypnosis Field!
There's no way you can fight it! It's how he got Artemis and Felicia and
who knows who else!!"
Bret simply curled into a ball on the floor and began screaming.
Suddenly, the Satellite's lights went out. A dark figure leapt out of
the corridors and onto the console as the eerie sound of electrical
distortion played over the Satellite's speakers. "REMEMBER ME?!" he
shouted at Oscar through the Viewscreen.
Oscar recoiled in terror, as memories of his internet death flashed into
his mind. "No! Not you! NOOOOOO!!" With that, the transmission from
Subterra 69 cut off abruptly.
Steve, resplendent in his Sting battle gear, grinned as the lights came
back on and the sound turned off. He hopped off the console, and then
glared at the Viewscreen. Down in Titan 13, a very flustered Vince
McMahon was pounding on the Deus Ex Machina's controls.
"No! I've lost Oscar's position! No, damn you, no!!" Vince turned back
to his Viewscreen and returned Steve's glare through it. "This is your
fault," he hissed.
"Pink-boy's staying right here. And you, Vince, are a sick, sick
bastard," Steve replied fearlessly.
"So it's a war you want, Mr. Borden? I'll be *too* happy to oblige.
Rock, send them the fanfic."
Rocky gulped and said, "Well, here's part three of 'A sorceror, a demon,
and Emeralds.' It's been nice knowing you." With that, Rocky pushed the
Button.
Back on the Satellite, Samantha and Mark were helping Bret up. "Are you
all right? How many fingers am I holding up?" Samantha asked, her face
full of concern.
Ryan was absolutely bewildered. "This guy really *does* hate you."
Bret glommed on to Steve the minute he saw him. "Steve! How can I thank
you? You saved my life!" Bret gushed in relief.
"Um... yeah, whatever," Steve replied, obviously embarrassed. He tried
to disentangle himself form Bret grasp. "You're, uh, getting stuff on my
coat..."
Nash returned form the bathroom just in time to see the lights and
buzzers that announced an incoming post go off.
"... and we've got KEFKA SIIIIIIIGN!" Steve screamed as everyone ran
into the theater.
[DOOR SEQUENCE... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...]
[The new group enters the theater and takes their seats. (R-to-l: Steve
(still in full ring gear), Mark, Samantha, Nash, Bret, and Ryan]
MARK: Bret, are you sure you can handle this?
BRET: I'm okay.
RYAN: So what are we reading?
SAMANTHA: Well, it's a dark Sonic the Hedgehog lemon.
RYAN: Gonterman?! NOOOOOO!!
SAMANTHA: Actually, I think it's worse than Gonterman...
RYAN: That's can't be possible.
SAMANTHA: You'll see...
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>><><><>
><><>
SAMANTHA: Hey Bret! It's some more of those fishes!
BRET: Hmmm... maybe they're Kefka's way of telling us he likes 'Moby
Dick'.
STEVE: Melville would rochambeau Kefka just on principle.
RYAN: One fish... two fish... red fish... blue fish...
MARK: Actually, they seem to be stuck in black and white.
>{DUE TO Some ADULT AND VIOLENT CONTENT, readers discretion is advised.
SAMANTHA: Do not view unless taste in fanfics is extremely low...
MARK: Or you're being forced to.
RYAN <Kefka>: But if need be, it can make great toilet paper. It's made
out of crap anyway.
NASH: (looks at Ryan) He's crude and he has absolutely no love for the
author. (pause) I LIKE him!
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>><><><>
><><>
>~-<{<<A sorcerer, A demon, and Emeralds>>}>-~ (PART3) <The Tails Saga>
NASH: The history of the ass, from prehistory to the present!
SAMANTHA: These are the tails of our lives.
>Written by: Mecha Sonic <a.k.a.> Kefka the Dark One
SAMANTHA <Kirk>: KEEEEEFFFFFFFKAAAAAA!!!
BRET: I know how you feel.
RYAN: I wonder what would happen if we put a few million volts through
him...
STEVE: Then he'd be the "*Light*-ning one!"
MARK: Not to mention crispy.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>~~~~
>Dedicated to:
SAMANTHA: <Kefka voice> Talentless hacks such as myself...
STEVE: No, I'm sure these people are much better writers than Kefka.
Well, unless he mentions Gonterman...
>Certain such people as Locy and Jai, Leo, Eagle, Aphrodite
>Echidna, Tails, and so many more that I have lost count on them,
MARK: All too conveniently, I might add...
RYAN: <Kefka> ARGH! This Newton is a piece of crap! I can't keep track
of anything!
>they all are the greatest friends anyone can have.
SAMANTHA: <coughs and waves her hand through the air> Does anyone smell
the bull**** that I do?
NASH: Smell...? If you lit a match in here, the theater would explode.
MARK: That's not a bad idea... well, except for our horrible flaming
deaths...
SAMANTHA: Not me. I can pretty much survive anything that's thrown at
me.
RYAN: And to quote Oscar, "BOOMSHACKALACKA!!"
[Everybody stares at Ryan]
RYAN: (grinning sheepishly) Sorry, sorry... Oscar's held me captive for
too long I guess...
BRET: Actually, that's been bothering me. Isn't Oscar dead?
STEVE: Yeah! I distinctly remember killing him!
[and so, here Ryan relates how he and the Nerima gang were roped into
riffing bad stories.]
STEVE: I *KNEW* he was too evil to just up and die!
SAMANTHA: I'm surprised Ranma and crew haven't killed you yet...
RYAN: Luckily, I seemed to have adapted...
>And a tip O' the sneakers to
>BOOKSHIRE DRAFTWOOD for placing this on the coolest web page in the world
>of Mobius!
SAMANTHA: So, other Sonic fans actually placed his work on their web
page?
BRET: Certainly seems like a sign of the apocalypse to me.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~>~~~~~~~
SAMANTHA: <singing> On the road again...
>Letter Response: I was hoping Anyone with comments,
MARK: This sucks. Leave the Sonic characters alone.
BRET: MARK!!!
MARK: Well, he asked.
SAMANTHA: Yeah! <cuddles up to Mark> Leave my Marky alone!
NASH: <growls>
>Idea, or wish to ask
>for rights to use any of this story would send E-mail to any of the
>following Addresses......
RYAN: <Kefka> Lessee now... they are... uh... hold on, I have to find
them on my Newton first.
MARK: You don't like Apple very much, do you?
RYAN: What gave you that idea?
SAMANTHA: What say we e-mail bomb this guy into the dark ages, eh guys?
GUYS: RIGHT!
>104643.1572@Compuserve.com
>MetalSonic@AOL.Com
NASH: crap@sucks.com.
BRET: Kevin... *be nice.*
NASH: To Kefka? Make me!
SAMANTHA: <whispering to Mark> And the sad part is that I actually
*agree* with Nash.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>~~~~~
>Lawful Crap: Sonic The Hedgehog, Miles "Tails" Prowers, Dr. Robotnik and
>all other related characters are based on the characters created by SEGA,
>Archie Comic publication, DIC's Sonic The Hedgehog Old Saturday Cartoon,
>and SEGA of AMERICA.
BRET <Kefka>: I'm telling you this because they won't be recognizable
after *I'm* done with them!
>Other such Characters are created from the minds of
>Aaron Lye, Elizabeth Ramirez and Alex Arellano
RYAN <Kefka>: They're good slave workers, aren't they?
STEVE: Who can *not* be happy about what Kefka's doing to their
characters either.
SAMANTHA: Well, Kefka did say that he had to ask permission...
STEVE: Well, imagine if someone asked for permission to use *you* and
then promptly stuck you in lemon scenes. Jolt wouldn't be too
happy, now would he?
JOLT: DEATH!! DEATH SHALL RAIN FROM THE HEAVENS!!
STEVE: See?
RYAN: What the hell was that?!
MARK: Just ignore it. It's much easier that way.
>Final Fantasy 3, Kefka, and other such things are based on the characters
>and items created by SquareSoft inc.
SAMANTHA: The best damn RPG makers in the world!
NASH: Who are currently planning to sue Kefka for everything he's worth.
MARK: Must... resist... urge to... make... riff about author... having
nothing...
>1) No one can use the Characters Elizabeth Ramirez, or Alex Arellano
>created without written permission to the author.
RYAN <Kefka>: Of course, if you do certain *favors* for me...
SAMANTHA <Kefka>: I'm the god! I'M THE GOD!!! MWAHAHAHAHA!!!
>2) This file is not to be placed upon a Web site or On-line Service without
>written approval from the authors
RYAN: <Kefka> Because only *I* can possibly make money on this! It's
mine mine mine!
BRET: Kefka acts like there's people lining up in hordes to get this
thing...
>3)No one says anything about how cruel I make Sonic <grin>
SAMANTHA: Which is what we'll be doing when we get off the SON and kick
your...
STEVE: That's a good idea! Somebody write that down!
RYAN: Lucky you. I'll probably get sent back to Oscar. (shudders)
MARK: I pity you, poor soul...
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>~~~~~~~
>Brief summery: Constant perverted Dreams keep entering Miles Prowers, he
>has no control of the nightmare he dream, but one thing always remains,
SAMANTHA: A crappy fanfic?
RYAN: His PJ's never make it through the night dry.
BRET: NASH!
NASH: No way, pal. That wasn't me.
BRET: Oh, sorry, force of habit. RYAN!
RYAN: Heh, just like old times...
>Sonic raping Sally,
MARK <disgusted>: Oh, of *course*.
RYAN: Isn't that the chipmunk or squirrel or whatever the hell it is?
MARK: Afraid so.
RYAN: Damn... glad I went through that Chibi-usa rape fic...
[The others turn to stare at Ryan for awhile]
SAMANTHA: You're kidding, right?
RYAN: Nope, had to do it myself. Went into a coma... But I survived!
BRET: Wow...
SAMANTHA: <arches an eyebrow> I'm impressed.
>and challenging him to come and save her. Will Tails
>let these dreams go unanswered? or will he decide enough is enough?
NASH: Or will he enjoy them like the sick little freak he is?
RYAN <Tails>: Enough is enough! Sonic! Let ME be your love slave!
BRET: [punches Ryan in the head] NO! Don't YOU start!
>The first of the many Saga's to be in ~-<{<<A sorcerer, A demon, and
>Emeralds>>}>-~
SAMANTHA: Many? ARGH!!!
MARK: There there... <places arm around her shoulders and pats her on
the back>
NASH: <turns bright red with anger and jealousy>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~>~~~~~
>
>~<Chapter 1: The stuff dreams are made of.>~
SAMANTHA: Money and hitmen.
RYAN: Huh?
SAMANTHA: I don't know. Just struck me at the moment.
BRET <smiling a big, big smile>: Do you really mean that?
SAMANTHA: Umm... not like that.
>
> Tails slept peacefully since the days of his befriending of many.
RYAN <Tails>: (blandly) I must get 30,000 friends to become human...
SAMANTHA: The first Thinkerism outside of a Dr.Thinker fanfic!
WRESTLERS <blandly>: Yay.
>Knuckles Echidna, Sonya Sho, Locy Hottovy, Dr. Ivo Robotnik, Mecha Sonic.
STEVE: Their names are given because they're sure as hell not innocent.
>They had found a common cause to fight, to fight and defeat Sonic the
>Hedgehog.
SAMANTHA: Couldn't their common cause be to find a way out of this
fanfic?
RYAN: And afterwards... one huge honking orgy!
NASH: I like your style, kid!
SAMANTHA: [groans] Now I have to deal with two of them...
>He slept dreamless nights, until just now. . . a dream, a
>horrible dream.
MARK: He was in a Kefka story!
RYAN: (singing) To dream the impossible dream...
>Sonic had tied down Sally to a bed.
SAMANTHA: AGH! Not even a page into it and we've already got this crap!
NASH: Yeah, screw profound quotes or intense characterization! THIS is
how you hook your audience!
RYAN: That's like using an anchor to hook a fish... it's too damn much!
>He forced himself
>inside her, her screams, his laughter, a madness, a lust, a hate, a
>wanting,
RYAN: A fanfic, a ranting, a sicko, a nutball... it was KEFKA!!
BRET: No, he's talking about Vince!
[Despite the fact that he's wearing face paint, Steve still turns green
and falls out of his seat, moaning in agony]
>Tails would wake every time when Sonic started to force her to
>placed his erection in her mouth.
NASH: <Sonic> Over the lips--
RYAN: <Sonic> And past the gums--
NASH/RYAN: <Sonic> Look out stomach--
[while trying not to pass out, Bret double smacks Ryan and Nash]
SAMANTHA: *BURP* Oh boy, I think I'm gonna be sick.
STEVE [trying to crawl back into his seat]: You're not the only one
>He would wake screaming in anger and
>frustration at this.
SAMANTHA: What? That he didn't get any?
BRET: SAMANTHA!
SAMANTHA: Sorry, the fanfic is getting to me.
RYAN: <Tails> AAAAHHHH!!! My dreams keep turning into Cinemax!
>his view of these dreams was sometimes in the third
>Person, he would see this all, he would see himself chained forced to watch
>and never be able to stop it.
NASH <Tails>: Hey... I'm pretty hot!
RYAN: <Tails> Sally! I'm so sorry! I... dammit, Sonic, those nipple
clamps are all wrong!
SAMANTHA: <gets up and punches Ryan> Never mention nipple clamps around
a woman!
NASH: And what a woman...
SAMANTHA: <back hands Nash as she sits back down> Baka!
>Sometimes he'd dream himself raping Sally,
RYAN: Ooooook... I think Tails has a few issues he needs to deal with...
>this angered him even more. Every night for the past weeks he dreamed
>these, and always Sonic would talk to him in these dreams.
BRET <Sonic>: You're a right sick bastard, Tails...
> "What do you
>think Tails?" he would cackle.
RYAN: <Tails> [peers at Sonic for a second] I'm bigger. Nyaah!
SAMANTHA <Tails>: This fanfic sucks!
STEVE: Snap, Cackle, Pop! Evil Krispies!
>"There's nothing you can do to stop me!
>there's nothing except to watch, I'm sure you wish you could do this!"
MARK: Painfully torture you, Sonic? Why, yes!
>he would pause to let out a groan and ejaculate,
RYAN <Sonic>: (says very quickly) Iamtheverymodelofamodernmajorgeneral!
STEVE: (astonished) I thought you'd have gone for a... uh...
RYAN: Slightly more risqué riff? I like to shock people...
SAMANTHA: Oh man! This is beginning to reach the level of wrongness that
Kagato's Revenge reached.
BRET: Huh?
SAMANTHA: For the sake of your sanity, don't ask.
>on key Sally would scream
>aloud and beg him to stop. . .
RYAN: <Sally> Stop taping this! I don't want to be sprawled all over the
internet!!
NASH <Sally>: You're lying on my hair, Sonic...
BRET: Eh? On key? I wonder if it's a B-sharp...
>"You will never stop me Miles, I can take
>over your freaking mind and make you watch this till you go insane.
RYAN: In the membrane?
> I want you to suffer!
STEVE: You're doing a great job! I've never been in so much pain in my
entire life!
MARK: And coming from a guy who wrestled Ric Flair umpty-billion times,
that's saying something.
>I want you to come to Sonotropolis and try to stop me!"
>Miles would wake again and again from the dream, until finally he decided
>to oblige Sonic's wishes.
RYAN <Tails>: Who cares if I get killed? If I play my cards right, I
might finally get some!
BRET: I've just met you, and I have the overwhelming urge to smack you
around like I do Nash...
NASH: Hah! You wish!
SAMANTHA: He then gets killed, the rebellion is crushed, and Sonic rules
with an iron fist. The end.
MARK: So what's on Raw?
>
>
> * * *
SAMANTHA: The author is going to be seeing stars once *I'm* done with
him.
BRET: I don't think violence is really necessary, Samantha...
SAMANTHA: No, but it's fun.
BRET: Good point.
>
>
> "Good morning Tails!" Sonya chirped out happily,
SAMANTHA: Oh no! Sonya turned into a bird!
MARK: Hopefully it'll be hunting season.
>Miles walked into
>the kitchen where Sonya was sitting down near the table with a cup of
>coffee, the mug has the loved quote "I hate Mondays" on it.
STEVE: And just what the HELL is wrong with Mondays?!
SAMANTHA: Well... doesn't everyone hate Mondays?
NASH: Hell no! That's when the wrestling shows come on!
BRET: If it wasn't for Monday, we'd all be unemployed.
MARK: So it's understandably our favorite day of the week.
RYAN: Yeah, well I go to school. And after a weekend, I LOATHE
Mondays...
>"did you have a good night sleep?"
RYAN <Tails>: Oh sure. The fact I was screaming and thrashing around
didn't mean a thing.
SAMANTHA: The hell...? Did we step into a family show all of a sudden?
> "no, I didnt, I had that dream again."
SAMANTHA: Oh gross! Tails has been telling them about his dreams!
STEVE <Sonya>: Umm... that's nice Tails. Boy, wouldja look at the time!
Gotta run!!
>Tails plunked down into a seat
RYAN: Ewww... isn't that best done on the toilet?
> and looked at her with bloodshot eyes.
BRET <Sonya>: I TOLD you to lay off the tequila!
> "He wont leave me alone Sonya.
> not until I go insane or I do as he says."
SAMANTHA: Kinda like Mcmahon.
NASH: *Exactly* like McMahon.
BRET: Only Sonic hasn't made Tails dress up like a clown.
MARK: *Yet.*
> "Even the spells you tried on yourself didnt stop them huh?"
STEVE <Tails>: No... and boy, did I try that Jack 'n Coke spell a lot.
>Tails Shook his head. "Miles, you know they are just dreams and~"
> "Just dreams? you know as well as I do that he rapes her all the
>time.
NASH <cheesy announcer voice>: 24 hours a day! And you can see it all
*live* on the Sonic channel!
BRET: I swear, one more like that and it's Sharpshooter time!
>I should have taken her with me the first day when Sonic crushed the
world."
SAMANTHA: Yeah, Sonic just grinded it beneath his heel.
MARK: Well, I know I would've picked Sally over Antoine.
RYAN <Tails>: Yeah. Then I could've just *taken* her...
[BRET immediately punches Ryan in the head]
> "Tails, you didnt know, how could anyone have known?"
STEVE <Sonya>: We didn't know what Kefka was like back then!
>Sonya paused
>for a moment. "don't go blaming yourself for something that happened so
>long ago."
NASH <Sonya>: Even though it *is* your fault.
> "But~" Sonya shoved a spoon in Tails mouth before he could
finish.
BRET: Tails choked and died. The end.
MARK: So what's happening on Raw?
> "I said, don't blame yourself, your no good to us as a leader if
>you have a mental breakdown."
RYAN: I have an argument about that! If he goes insane, then he's likely
to do SO many things at random, it'd fake Sonic out and get his ass
kicked!
BRET: And likely get everybody killed in the process... that's a
brilliant idea!
> Tails removed the spoon and smacked his lips
>tasting the bitter coffee grains. Sonya smiled at him and kissed his
>cheek.
SAMANTHA: Better not let Antoine see that or he might get crazy.
STEVE: No, Antoine was dating the tubie thing, remember? Sonya's with
Knuckles.
SAMANTHA: I can't believe you're keeping track of this!
STEVE: Well, it helps me stave off the growing urge I have to jump out
the airlock.
RYAN: You guys have an airlock? Nifty...
>"Come on Tails, be that crazy little two tailed fox I remember who
RYAN <Sonya>: Used to think up all of those kinky uses for emeralds and
palm trees and that *nifty* trick with the gold rings...
SAMANTHA: Whose gonna be taking care of Ryan when he makes a lewd
comment? I can't reach that far.
RYAN: Nyah Nyah!
BRET: Got it covered, Sam. <punches Ryan>
>always use to believe his heart and never have any doubts." Sonya got up
>and lightly dusted her light blue near see through night gown,
RYAN <Tails>: Er, Sonya I think you dropped a spoon way over there...
yeah that's it, just bend over...
[As Bret goes to punch Ryan, he ducks out of the way and lets Bret go
flying. of course, he didn't notice Bret reach up and grab him by the
throat]
RYAN: That does tend to get annoying after a-GACK!
[Bret easily tosses Ryan into a fireman's carry, then turns it into a
fallaway slam. As Ryan tries to pull himself up, Bret then picks him
again and does a vicious backbreaker on him. Finally, he grabs Ryan's
legs and puts him in the Sharpshooter.]
RYAN: AAAAAGGGHH!
BRET: Who be the man?! WHO BE THE MAN?!
SAMANTHA: WHOOOHOO!!!
NASH: Tap out, kid! Tap out!
[Ryan finally taps out. Bret takes his seat again as Ryan crawls back
into his]
BRET: Never forget... wrestling may be fake, but the moves AREN'T!
RYAN <Weakly>: Yes, sir.
>she picked
>up her cobalt blue robe and put it around herself.
ALL: Thank you!
>"do what you feel is
>best in your heart Tails. I'm going to go get dressed and talk to Locy."
NASH: Sure, *talk* to Locy. I gotcha.
[Bret glares at Nash.]
NASH: Hey! I was subtle that time!
> "O.K. Sonya, where is Robotnik and Mecha? oh and where's Antoine?"
RYAN <Sonya>: Last I saw, they were all sneaking off to the barn...
SAMANTHA: [interjecting quickly] To smoke cigarettes.
RYAN: Aww, you're no fun...
SAMANTHA: I just don't want Bret to kill you! I don't want to visit him
in prison! <blushes> Uh, that ain't what I meant!
RYAN: Sure...
> "Dads in the laboratory with Mecha and Tony."
SAMANTHA <Sonya>: ... killing Tony and planning with Mecha about
stabbing all of you in the back.
> Tails nodded, and watched the sleek hedgehog leave.
STEVE: Somebody's been taking a bath in WD-40...
> Tails got up
>and looked at himself, he turned a strawberry red
SAMANTHA <Marissa>: Mmmm, strawberry...
> when he realized he was
>walking around in his birthday suit.
ALL: AHH!!!
RYAN: First Thundercats, now this!
SAMANTHA: We're being punished for something! I know it!
JOLT: You and me both!
MARK: Well, at least we aren't suffering alone.
>It had been a while since he strolled
>around nude, he kinda liked the freedom it gave parts of his anatomy.
RYAN: (singing) Born free...
SAMANTHA <shocked>: What anatomy? He's a dickless wonder!
JOLT: Tone it down!
SAMANTHA: Make me!
JOLT: Uh...
LYNXARA: She's got you there.
BRET: Do you people mind?!
>Mobians were never shy on this, Sonic, Sally, Rotor, and other in the old
>days didnt wear anything.
STEVE <shouting at the top of his lungs>: GEE, MAYBE THAT'S BECAUSE THIS
IS ALL JUST SUPPOSED TO BE A KIDDIE CARTOON!
RYAN: Man, if they were anatomically correct... [shudders] I ain't going
there.
>He figured only Sonya and Robotnik would find it
>uncomfortable, seeing how they were humans minded.
SAMANTHA: Uh, hello? Do you have a brain? Sonya is a hedgehog, for
crying out loud! Animals of any kind would really hate to wear human
clothing!
NASH: See, but in this reality, Sonya is a hedgehog and a human and...
never mind. I don't even know what the author was trying to say.
BRET: You're not the only one.
>Tails' mind wandered on
>a sleek naked Sonya, he grinned happily and felt himself become erect.
SAMANTHA: Raising the flagpole!
MARK: Going to full mast!
NASH: Plumping the sausage!
RYAN: The soldier's saluting!
BRET: I REFUSE TO DO THIS JOKE!
STEVE: Yeah! Tails was created as a cute little anatomically incorrect
fox, and at least in *my* mind, he's staying that way!
>Out
>of nowhere the thought of a naked Robotnik appeared in his mind
suddenly,
MARK: *And* in mine... you will pay for this, Kefka.
RYAN: Gah... where the hell did THAT come from?!
>he felt his erection vanish in a blink of an eye.
RYAN: Now you see it? Now you don't!
SAMANTHA: Assuming you could have seen it in the first place.
BRET: Oooh... stinger.
STEVE: Huh?
BRET: Never mind.
> He shook his head and
>decided to go put some clothing on.
ALL: Thank you!
>
>
> * * *
RYAN: <some private> The enemy's firing, sir!
>
> After a while Tails went to the laboratory, Robotnik was in his
>wolf form and was working on a vital source of natural energy
NASH: Y'know, just generic natural energy.
RYAN: <Robotnik> Hmm... so Jolt cola *could* keep a guy going for
days...
JOLT: Works for me! YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH!!!
SAMANTHA: Way to go Ryan. Jolt'll probably find a 300 K fanfic to MST in
one night.
RYAN: Hasn't he already?
>to help keep
>Knotholes powers supply high in case the generators failed. Tails walked
>in and walked over to the Doc. "Hey Lunarus how does it go?"
SAMANTHA: <Jim Carry voice> Limp, shriveled, and hanging to the left.
BRET: That was a bit tasteless, Samantha.
SAMANTHA: So's the story.
> "not well, I cannot create such a power without some natural
>resources,
STEVE: So you have to have generic natural resources to create a generic
natural power source.
RYAN: I barely passed Chemistry, so I guess that's right.
>but these sources aren't around anymore." Robotnik went quiet
>for a moment. "I'm glad you called me by my named Lunarus."
RYAN <Robotnik>: It's so good we can use our pet names for each other...
NASH: I have a protege!
SAMANTHA: (looks at Nash) Don't you dare. He's somewhere along the lines
of you, but he does have SOME redeeming qualities.
NASH: Oh yeah? Like what?
SAMANTHA: Um...
RYAN: Oh sure, take your time...
BRET [snickers]: He can sell a move a lot better than you can, Nash.
NASH: HEY!!
BRET: I bet I could teach him to wrestle better, too...
SAMANTHA: Now *that* I've gotta see!
> he looked over
>to Mecha Sonic who was laying on the couch reading a magazine "at least
>someone honors my wishes."
SAMANTHA: Hey, he's reading Playbot!
MARK: Did you get possessed by the spirit of Marta?
> "Where's Tony?"
NASH <hopefully>: Burning in hell?
> "Antoine's in the next room talking with Locy." The Doc smiled
>slightly. "best leave them alone right now Tails," his grin became wider.
>"trust me on this one."
RYAN <Locy>: (off screen) Oh Antoine it's so... so... um... that's it?
SAMANTHA: This fanfic is beginning to look like a cheap B-movie.
BRET: Too bad we couldn't get one of those.
STEVE: Well, there's that Urotsuki-something video you have...
BRET [blushes bright red]: ... I ... I have no idea what you're talking
about!
STEVE: Oh, so I was just *hallucinating* that time when I walked in on
you and Page watching it...
[Bret sinks down really low in his chair and blushes furiously]
SAMANTHA: <Ultra sweet voice> Awww, you look so cute when you do that!
BRET: <blushes even more, if that's possible>
> "Oh, I see, thanks for the warning. Better Tell Sonya, she was
>looking for her."
> "Oh she already came,
RYAN <Tails>: Damn! And I had my camcorder loaded up, too!
SAMANTHA: And she didn't even wait for Tony.
MARK: You've been a bad influence, Nash.
NASH: Oh sure, blame *me* for everything.
>she talked to Locy and they giggled a little
>then she left to go see Knuckles."
RYAN: Jeez, she's insatiable... she came once and now she's going to see
Knuckles.
> "where is he anyway?"
> "Preparing for a trip, he wanted to go see if there was anything
>left of the Floating Island."
SAMANTHA: Hold on! Didn't we see, in the last dozen flashbacks, that the
floating island was blown to kingdom come?
STEVE: Yeah! And I distinctly remember them saying before that the
island crumbled to nothing!
MARK: So Sonya and Knuckles are going to leave in the middle of a war to
go look at a big pile of nothing. Of course.
RYAN: I think it's good I missed that part...
> "did he say when he was going to go?"
> "In about 2 days from now."
> "Thanks Doc," Tails patted him on the shoulder (what he could
>reach) "Is there anyway You can get the stuff you need?"
> "Yeah, but the only way I see it, is to get it is to go back in
>time." Mecha's eyes turned to Robotnik's.
RYAN <Mecha>: As I stare into your eyes I can't help but say...
NASH <Mecha>: I love you!
RYAN: Hey! You stole my riff!
NASH: Well, here... [gives Ryan a T-shirt with a certain red logo on it]
... you can be Wolfpac!
RYAN [puts it on]: Thanks!
MARK: He'd probably be more useful in a fight than Konnan...
> "I might be able to help you there Master." Mecha said.
SAMANTHA <Igor>: Yes master!
> "I know you can Mecha, In fact I was hoping we could make a trip
>down there."
BRET: Down *where*?
NASH: Down THERE!! [begins furiously crotch chopping at the screen]
SAMANTHA: <pulls a sword out from under her seat and aims at Nash's
crotch> Come on, I *dare* you to do that again!
>Lunarus look at Miles. "what do you say?"
RYAN <Tails>: Thank you?
BRET <Robotnik>: Good boy. Here's a cookie.
> "do you think you could wait a few days?" Tails replied. "With
>everything going on, we might need some back up." the Doc and Mecha both
>nodded.
STEVE <Robotnik>: Smile and nod... smile and nod... we kill him later...
>Just then Locy and Antoine came out, Locy seemed slightly flushed
>and Antoine had some lip stick on his cheek.
SAMANTHA: I can't believe it! Antoine got some!
GUYS: GYYYYYYAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!
MARK: And there's the second sign of the apocalypse!
> "Ah Miles! I was wondering do you think maybe me and Locy could
>take an expedition to Dragon Mountain?"
> "what for?" asked Tails.
BRET <Antoine>: Dragons, stupid!
>Antoine looked at him with a 'figure it
>out kid' look. "oh, yeah I'm sure you can.
NASH <Tails>: We'll just stay here and die horribly while *you* go off
and bang your little girlfriend.
>When do you plan on leaving?"
> "Hopefully in two days from now."
> "dang," replied Tails "everyone is leaving. . . ."
STEVE <Tails>: Do I need to switch deodorants or something?
>Tails paused a
>moment. "have everyone meet in the meeting room. I need to talk to all of
>you."
SAMANTHA <Tails>: Meet me in the Batcave.
>
>
>
> * * *
MARK <singing>: Twinkle, twinkle, little star...
>
>
> Moments later all key freedom Fighter leaders entered the large
>black room.
SAMANTHA: See? It is the batcave!
>Candles were lit everywhere keeping it quite bright and
>showing off the many pictures of the forgotten original Freedom Fighters.
>Among them was Sonic's Picture.
BRET: Because, dammit, the Freedom fighters *enjoyed* having painful
memories!
STEVE: This whole series is causing painful memories...
>Tails sat at the end of the table and
>waited as each one of the key fighters sat down.
RYAN: Key Fighters 2: *Lock* and load!
BRET: That was kind of lame.
RYAN: Oh, bite me.
BRET: *Someone* hasn't learned their lesson yet...
RYAN: AGH! No! I'm sorry! Don't hurt me!
SAMANTHA: I never knew a guy's voice could reach that pitch.
> "Greetings all of you, it
>seems each and everyone of you has plans to take off and leave this war for
>a few days."
NASH <Tails>: What the HELL are you people THINKING?!
SAMANTHA <Tails>: And if you find a way out of this fanfic, then all the
better.
RYAN: <Tails> And I must ask... take me with you?! Puh-leeeezeeee?!?!
>Tails' paused then continued. "I think that is a wonderful
>idea. We each have had allot of stress lately and it would do each and
>everyone of us wonders to head somewhere away from this.
STEVE: If Sonic rules the planet, then exactly where would 'away' be?
>I am giving all
>of you passage to go and have some fun. I will stay here and lead the
>troops."
SAMANTHA: What troops?
RYAN <Tails>: Alright. Rosie Palm, get your five sisters... you're
needed...
> "But Tails, you alone?" replied Antoine.
> "Yes alone, it gives me some time to relax and stool around nude!"
>Tails grinned.
SAMANTHA: Dear God... I don't even know what to *say* to that...
RYAN: Wow, he's a fecalphiliac!
BRET: A what?
RYAN: He likes mooky stinks.
BRET: EWWW!
>Robotnik and Sonya shook their heads in unison. "Please
>use what's left of today to pack and be on your way."
NASH <Tails>: Get the hell out of here! It's NAKED TIME!!
>Tails got up and left the room.
SAMANTHA: Hey, can we do that?
BRET: Unfortunately, no.
SAMANTHA: Damn.
>
>
> * * *
RYAN <Announcer>: And Billy Ray has missed three of his targets....
>
> "Oh I haven't been out of the main continent for the longest time
>Knuckles!" Chirped Sonya.
SAMANTHA: There she goes, turning into a bird again.
STEVE: Maybe she's a shapeshifter. That would explain the human/hedgehog
thing.
>"I cant wait to get out of here!"
SAMANTHA: Me too!
MARK: In fact, I think we all feel like that.
> "Me too Sonya, but I don't really consider this a pleasure trip."
SAMANTHA: Knowing Sonya, she'll make it into one.
NASH: You keep forgetting. There's no pleasure in a Kefka story, just
horrible, violent rape.[suddenly grins] Now if you want *pleasure*...
[Samantha sighs and sucker-punches Nash]
>Sonya went silent for a moment remembering how much the island meant to
>Knuckles.
RYAN <Knuckles>: It had my collection of girlie... er, I mean car
magazines!
> "I. . .I'm sorry Knuckles. I didnt mean it like that."
> "I know you didn't. I'm glad you could come with me, I don't think
>I can handle this alone."
BRET <Knuckles>: Seeing all of that nothing...
> "I would do anything for you my love."
SAMANTHA <singing>: And I would do anything for love...
>She laid down in her bed
>with Knuckles and fell asleep in his arms.
STEVE: Those are some big arms!
>
>
> * * *
>
>
> "Say Doc, once we reach the little planet should we make like
>Sonic use to and Time Warp to the past?"
SAMANTHA: So Kefka made some fanfics with Sonic traveling in time. Lets
hope McMahon doesn't find them.
MARK: Actually, I think that's a reference to an episode of the
cartoon...
SAMANTHA: In a KEFKA story? You're kidding!
RYAN: Actually, he's referring to the Sonic CD game.
> "We only need to go to the Palm Tree Panic past. That's it, we go
>no where else."
> "Aww come on! cant we go juicing in the Star Dust speedway?"
NASH: So Mecha Sonic wants to go the raceway and blade. Why do I have
the sudden urge to stick my head in a microwave?
STEVE [sighs]: Even you noticed how bad this story is.
> "No! now come on, go to sleep we have a big day tomorrow."
BRET: ROBOTS DON'T SLEEP!! Can't just *one thing* in this story make
sense? Just *one thing*?
RYAN: If it made sense, then it wouldn't have been sent up.
>
>
> * * *
>
>
> "How does this Dragon Mountain look Antoine?" asked Locy.
RYAN <Antoine>: Like a dragon. Hence the name dragon mountain! Twit...
> Antoine
>placed his hand on hers and held them.
BRET <Antoine>: Your hand is MINE! BWA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
STEVE: You do that a bit TOO well...
> "You will love it Locy, it has the greatest view of Dragon lake and
>Dragon woods."
SAMANTHA: As well as Dragon Desert and Dragon Canyon and...
>he kissed her lips softly. "I know you'll just die for it!"
SAMANTHA <evil>: If you know what I mean. Mwahahahaha!!!
MARK: Hmmm... that's not a bad idea...
> "As long as I'm with you I'll be happy."
ALL: <burst out laughing>
>
>
> * * *
>
>
> Miles mumbled something under his breath as he unclothed himself
>and laid in his bed.
SAMANTHA: The fanfic that brings up last week's lunch!
NASH: It had something to do with last month's playmate and a hot tub
full of Cool-Whip.
SAMANTHA: *burp* Hoo boy...
>He thought about how everyone had a at least one time
>love affair with someone.
STEVE: Then he thought about how little sense that made, since everyone
was anatomically incorrect.
SAMANTHA: This is beginning to sound like a show of Beverly Hills 90210.
>Antoine and Locy he felt must have already. . .
MARK: GAH! Don't remind me!
>Sonya and Knuckles he could almost be sure of.
RYAN: For he had watched them every night!
> Even Robotnik and some
>unknown female had to have, I mean how could Sonya be alive or Sonic.
SAMANTHA: Don't say a word, Bret. You'll only hurt yourself.
BRET [on the verge of tears]: Just *one* logical thing. That's all I
ask.
>Even Sonic and Sally, how come he's their age yet he's was still a
virgin?
NASH: Because you're a complete and total loser?
RYAN: I can relate, buddy.
>One thing Tails still does from his youth is ponder about these things, he was
>never one to let something go unthought of late at night.
STEVE <Tails>: Damn! If only I could figure out how those sub-atomic
particles worked...
>He fluffed his
>pillow and started to fall asleep. . . .
MARK: Never seeing Sonic sneak up behind him and break his neck.
>
> He was alone in a dark Room, he could see nothing but his hands in
>front of his face. From no where he suddenly saw Sally standing in front
>of him, naked, and so beautiful.
SAMANTHA <singing>: You are so beautiful... to me...
>She was walking towards him, her face
>filled with a happiness to see him again, "Sally" he called to her and
>started to moved to her, When a rumble occurred shaking him and dropping
>him to the ground.
BRET: A *Royal* Rumble?
>Sally started to scream as suddenly large gloved claws
>ripped from the ground and grabbed her hands restraining her from
movement.
SAMANTHA: Well, gripping hands do tend to restrict movement.
NASH [grinning]: Heh. Don't I know it...
[Samantha scoots away from Nash]
MARK: Don't even think about it... <charges a lightning bolt>
>Sonic appeared next to her and laughed, he turned to Tails and gazed into
>the foxes eyes. "She's mine Tails, mine forever. . .
SAMANTHA [suddenly squirming uncomfortably]: This is bringing back
horrible images of the AAA tournament.
STEVE: Don't worry about it! We got you back, right?
SAMANTHA: Of which I am very thankful. <gets up and hugs Steve and Bret>
NASH: What about me?
SAMANTHA: <evil glint in her eye> Oh, I'm sorry. Come here.
[Nash grins and gets up to receive the hug only to be laid back in his
seat by a rapid three punch to the head]
SAMANTHA: <sits back down> Just as dumb as Tuxedo Chris.
>you will never be able
>to stop me from taking her over and over."
MARK <Sonic>: ... to WAL-MART! Watch as I let her spend every penny you
own!
>He walked over to the fox and
>removed from his boot a large sharp dagger, its jagged teeth on the sides
>gleamed with the unseen light.
RYAN: See, that's what happens when you don't floss and brush.
BRET: *Unseen* light? THE HELL?!
NASH: It's probably what you see when you stare blindly.
>"how would you like it if I shoved this in
>her eh?" Sonic's eyes flared with a lustful, horny, evil and wicked
gleam.
RYAN: That would be extremely... painful...
STEVE [in shock]: Oh... my... God.
MARK: That's it! We're in Hell!
SAMANTHA: Watch as Sonic rips off a scene from the movie 'Seven'.
>"How would you like it if I shoved this up your ass."
BRET <Tails>: Umm... not at all?
>Sonic walked back to
>Sally and looked at her body, slowly he began to cut at Sally's inner
>thigh, she screamed out in pain,
SAMANTHA: This fanfic is *definitely* heading downhill.
NASH: Y'know, this is kind of... icky.
STEVE: YOU THINK?!
>the same moment Tails cried out and
>attempted to leap up and tackle Sonic, but he couldn't move, something held
>him down,
BRET: It was another damn Kefka plot device designed to make us sit
through another one of these damn horrible scenes!
>Tails looked at his hands and saw some sort of fleshy cord
>similar to an umbilicus cord wrapped around his wrist.
RYAN: (chanting to himself) Out of sight... out of mind... out of
sight... out of mind...
SAMANTHA: <squirming in her seat> Oh no... Not that! Anything but that!
MARK: What's wrong?
SAMANTHA: Tentacles... No Overfiend...
>Tail's kicked
>furiously and even bit the cords trying to rip them off.
NASH <Tails>: Tastes like chicken!
>He was powerless
>to watch Sonic as he began to lick the oozing blood from sally's deep
>wounds.
STEVE: That's it!
[Steve immediately drops to his knees on the floor and begins muttering
something]
SAMANTHA: Steve, have you finally cracked, or...
STEVE: I'm praying for Eric Draven to come and lop Sonic's head off.
>Her eyes looked at Tails. "Please help me" she cried. "Please!
>Miles! Save me!" Sonic stopped and looked into Tails eyes again
MARK <Sonic>: Everything seems to be fine here. Now let's check that
other eye. Do you see better with this lens... or *this* lens?
>"Yes Tails, Save her, if you can. . ."
SAMANTHA: Save on Princesses at Minards!
>
> Tails woke from the nightmare sweating badly, he looked around
>quickly and gave a long sigh of relief. He checked the clock, it was
>Midnight, exactly the same time he awoke last night.
BRET: Why, thank you for that little detail! That added so FREAKING MUCH
to the story. EVERYTHING MAKES SENSE NOW THAT I KNOW WHAT *STUPID TIME*
TAILS WOKE UP!!
>He decided, he got
>out of bed and placed his shoes on,
RYAN: Ok, he decided that he got out of bed... but he was still in
bed... how...
STEVE: Nothing makes sense anymore, kid.
> "O.K. you bastard." whispered Tails.
>"You want me to come to you. I wont disappoint you any longer."
SAMANTHA: Must... resist... urge to... make... lame... lingerie riff...
NASH: Ahhhh. Lingerie. It's amazing how you miss the little things...
>
> * * *
>
>
><Chapter 2: A midnight Sky>
SAMANTHA: Thank god that's over!
RYAN: Red sky at night, Sailor's delight!
JOLT: Sailor Jupiter? Ahhh...
BRET: I wish they would stop doing that.
>
>
> Tails had succeeded in creeping out of Knothole undetected, that
>was a success to the mission itself. Tails didnt wear his armor this
time,
SAMANTHA: In fact, he didn't wear anything at all!
STEVE: Don't remind me of that scene. Please.
MARK: No, you're not Marta's protege.
>he wore simple blue pants and a white T-shirt. He stuffed one of his Tails
>in the pants and hoped it wouldn't bob out.
MARK: Never mind that it made one of his legs twice as big as the other!
>It felt uncomfortable with one
>tail down his left leg and the other bear he wanted to put both in but with
>the loss of site of both tails would make him stand out as bad as if he had
>two.
BRET: So did Kefka just say that Tails had a bear down his pants?
SAMANTHA <rocking back and forth>: Run on... sentence... getting...
dizzy...
NASH: It's okay, honey. I'm here.
[Samantha absent-mindedly punches Nash]
>Last thing he needed right now was to be spotted. It was a quick jog
>from Knothole to Sonotropolis' boarder.
STEVE: His name was Ed, and he was a surprisingly nice guy.
>He stepped in and was immediately
>confronted by two medium sized wolfs dressed in Imperial Hedgehog armor
MARK: Insert your own lame Wolfpac joke here.
SAMANTHA: Now who said something about StormTroopers in the first
chapter?
>they asked him to show his Sonic citizens card, Tails removed his blade and
>quickly chanted a spell the caused the wolf guards to fall asleep.
>"there's my card scum."
BRET: Oh, what witty action dialogue! It's so amusing, I want to throw
myself in the engine core!
SAMANTHA: And now Tails is acting like Dirty Harry. <growls> Just great.
>Tails looked at parts of the armor and grinned, he
>dragged the two into an alley and removed parts of their armor,
NASH: ... they were later found propped up on cinderblocks.
RYAN <Tails>: Hmm... well, since I've already gotten their clothes
off...
>mostly the
>main plating, it fit a tad bit large on him but that was O.K., he placed
>the helmet on and removed their under shirts with the long sleeves to cover
>his light brown fur.
STEVE: I hate this. First you get bored and bored and bored with
unnecessary scenes like this, and then the story punches you in the
gut with an offensive sex scene. We can't win!
MARK: I believe that's the idea.
SAMANTHA: WARNING! WARNING! Nearing ripoff of Star Wars scene!
>By the time he finished stripping the guards clean of
>clothing and placing the armor on himself it was around 1:15am,
BRET: ... and the guards had already woken up and killed him. The end.
NASH: So what's on Raw?
>he stepped
>out of the shadows and gazed at the blue armor he wore, he felt like a pin
>cushion all these spikes sticking out of him, it was like wearing a quill
>coat.
NASH: Umm... yeah, that's kinda the idea...
>But none the less as he walked by people they screamed and ran the
>other way, proof enough that he looked like a Imperial Hedgehog guard.
STEVE: Or that they just didn't want to be trapped in a Kefka fanfic.
>Miles walked through the main streets passing a few of his fellow
Soldiers,
RYAN: But... if they were his enemies... why would they be fellow... my
head hurts...
>the lower ranks saluted him in the typical manner, they swirled their hands
>like Sonic would his whole body in a spin attack and finally placed them to
>their foreheads.
SAMANTHA: Blah, blah, blah... Would someone wake me when this is over?
[Nestles her head against Mark's shoulder and falls asleep]
MARK: Wait a minute... that's the Larry Zbysco salute!
BRET: So that means... LARRY WORKS FOR DARK SONIC?!!
WRESTLERS: AAAAAAAHHHHH!!
> Tails did the same and they went by, he gave a breathe of
>relief and continued onward towards Sonotropolis' Citadel. It was already
>about 2 o'clock when he reached a small pub, he wanted to enter then and
>see what all the yelling and screaming was about,
NASH <Tails>: Good lord! It almost sounds like there's a bunch of drunks
in there!
>he decided to go, he
>quickly turned back to the doors and opened them quietly. Inside five
>buffed looking wolfs,
STEVE: So Marcus Bagwell joined the Wolfpac, too?
>the same ones that tried to rape that rabbit those
>weeks ago were there,
MARK: You know, it feels like I've spent weeks reading this story...
>again attempting to place themselves inside someone,
BRET: And what the HELL does that mea... [suddenly realizes] ... oh
no...
RYAN: (covering his ears) LALALALALA!! I'm not SEEING this!
>Miles felt his heart skip a beat when someone pushed him out of the way.
>"Ya'll get outta my way sugah!"
SAMANTHA [sleepily]:*Yawn* Now what the heck is Rogue doing here?
MARK: If I were you, I'd just go back to sleep.
NASH: Yeah! Over here!
MARK: SILENCE, MORTAL!! [shoots a lightning bolt at Nash]
RYAN [whistles]: Roasted, toasted, and burnt to a crisp.
>Miles leaped out of the way, a fully
>armored Rabbit ran into the screen and pulled out a laser gun, she fired it
>on the helpless victim of the wolfs and laughed. "There! now ya'll can
>have your fun!"
STEVE <Wolf>: No we can't! She's dead!
BRET: Steve, I doubt that would stop them... and we have no proof that
it's female.
STEVE: I should've let Oscar have you.
>the wolfs cackled and cheered the Rabbit.
SAMANTHA: WARNING! WARNING! We have resurrected character!
>Miles looked at
>her for a long time,
NASH <Tails>: Man, look at the cottontail on *her*...
>she finally turned to face him and he wanted to
>scream, her blue eyes gazed deep into his green.
MARK: ... forest? Grass? Clover?
>She uttered a small word
>from her trembling lips. "M. . . .Miles?"
SAMANTHA: The hell...? How could she know him when he's wearing all that
armor?
BRET: Well, it was a pretty crappy plot device to begin with...
> "Bunny. . ." Tails looked at her again for sometime until he got
>spooked by the noises and the screams of the now being raped girl,
STEVE: Is there something wrong with me for just being happy that it's
female?
NASH: Probably.
>he fled
>the scene as quick as the old Sonic would go for a chili-dog.
MARK: That's an *incredibly* inappropriate metaphor.
> "Miles!!!" she screamed again and went after him. Tails fled into
>a alley way and tried to hide inside one of the trash cans.
STEVE <Oscar the Grouch>: Find your own damn place!!
>He couldn't
>believe Bunny was alive, worst yet, he couldn't believe she was working for
>Sonic. "Miles!" she cried out. "Its not what you think! please Miles!"
>She entered the alley way and looked around. "Nicole scan for living
>beings in the sector."
SAMANTHA: Huh? Who the hell is she talking to? Herself?
BRET: Nicole's actually one of the cool things about the show. She's
this neat voice activated mini-computer.
RYAN: But I thought Sally had that...
> ". . . Scanning Bunny. . . .found. Directly 42 inches from you, in
>the trash can."
> "SQUEALER!" screamed Tails as he busted out of the can,
NASH: Thereby announcing his position to everyone in Sonotropolis!
>his Tails
>ripped off the pants and he hovered over Bunny. The Rabot looked up at him
>and extended her metallic hand.
SAMANTHA: <looking closely at Bunny's arm> Hmmm... made in Taiwan.
> "Listen Sugah fox, its not what you think. . ."
SAMANTHA: <Bunny voice> I only help wolves to rape young girls as a
hobby, not a full time job!
MARK <Tails>: Oh, well that's different, then.
> "Your working for Sonic, how could you!" Tails drew his blade from
>the back of his hoisted. "I should fry you for this!" he started to chant,
ALL: Kefka sucks! Kefka sucks!
>Bunny waited for her painful attack but it ever came.
SAMANTHA: All wrapped up in a nice pink bundle with a red bow.
>"but I cant, I cant
>do it. . ." Bunny smiled.
STEVE <Bunny>: You wuss!
> "Listen Tails, despite what this looks like I'm not a badnik like
>ol' Sonic. I'm one of the good guys."
SAMANTHA: Care to explain how?
> "Ohh sure, that scene in the bar is a FINE example of how good you
>are."
> "Oh, Amy? don't worry bout her. It's all part of the plan."
> "Amy!? that was Little Amy Rose?!"
SAMANTHA: Amy? What the hell is Sailor Mercury doing here?
BRET: Amy is a young female hedgehog who's just become the latest victim
of Kefkazation. I weep for her.
> "Yeah, that's her, but she aint that little anymore.
NASH <Bunny>: She's really let herself go and become a *total* lardass.
>She works for Sonic also."
MARK: So what is she? A professional victim?
>Bunny heard some noises behind her and she drew her laser
>rifle and turned to face it,
STEVE: ... then she accidentally pulled the trigger and blew her brains
out! The end! It's Miller time!
>behind her stood Amy Rose, she was covered in
>blood and had a depressed look on her face.
BRET: Is there really any other reaction to being in this story?
RYAN: This sort of reminds me of 'Carrie'...
>"Amy. . ." whispered Bunny.
> "Its done Bunny, the leader will be happy we got that trash offa
>the street."
SAMANTHA: I see Amy is from New York.
> "even the head wolf?"
> "no, I couldn't get my hands on him." Amy sighed. "I tried, but
>he was to fast."
NASH: Damn skippy! *Nobody* gets their hands on me! Excepting hot
chicks, of course.
SAMANTHA: <whispering> Lives in his own little world...
>She looked at Tails and almost dropped her jaw. "Tails!"
RYAN: I hadn't realized she'd been carrying her jaw...
> "Amy. . .d..damn! what's going on?! did Sonic send you? Tell me
>before I~"
SAMANTHA <Tails>: Pause and give you some time to kick the crap out of
me.
> "Sugah Fox! listen ta me! We are spies ! we don't really work for
>Sonic! we work for Sniv~" Bunny stopped herself.
> ". . .who?"
SAMANTHA: Whoops! Accidentally revealed another dead guy!
MARK <in pain>: And as a resistance leader, no less...
> "We cant say right now,"
STEVE: YOU JUST DID!!
>Bunny placed her helmet back on and looked
>at tails who still hovered above them. "You have grown so much now Tails,
>you are a man,
RYAN <Bunny>: And *WHAT* a man...
BRET: No, he's a fox! Just one logical thing...
>and a born leader. Be strong in this war Tails, we both
>shall see ya'll again."
RYAN <Bunny>: Ya'll come back now, ya hear?
> Bunny backed away from him and pressed her wrist
>band across her chest, she disappeared in blinding light.
SAMANTHA: Cool! Bunny's got a site to site Transporter!
>Amy looked up at
>Tails too.
> "you're so strong now Tails, please. . .help Sally." She mimicked
>the same move as Bunny and disappeared into the light.
NASH: Copycat.
>
>
><Chapter 3: Nightmare made real>
SAMANTHA: You have no idea how true that is.
>
>
> Tails stood there for some time, he stopped hovering and tried to
>hide his tail again, his pants were ripped up, he needed a new pair and
>now.
MARK: You know, there's no run-on sentence like a Kefka run-on sentence.
SAMANTHA <motherly voice>: Oh Tails, please get some clothes on. It's
freezing outside and you'll catch cold.
RYAN <Tails>: [sighs a bit] Mom...
>He ran back to the now deserted pub and went in, the aroma of blood
>filled his nose, overpowering everything else, it almost made him choke.
SAMANTHA: Which is what this fanfic is making us do.
>He saw the dead wolfs and wondered how Amy could have killed them like
>that, their throats were slit and parts of their inner organs spewed
out.
RYAN: Looks like they had an encounter with a couple of facehuggers
before this...
SAMANTHA: The pub has now become a Butcher's Shop!
STEVE: Good thing Goldberg's not here. I'm pretty sure that's not
Kosher.
>Tails looked for one that was his size, he found one, half his body laid
>crushed to nothing,
BRET:... in a violation of the law of conservation of mass and energy so
horrendous that it made the fabric of reality unravel. The end.
SAMANTHA: Half of Tail's body was crushed?
>Tails silently field stripped the body, holding the
>overwhelming urge to vomit inside at least till he got the pants on. When
>they were he let out his stomach fluids, right on the body.
NASH: Oh, *good one*, Tails.
>He felt sick,
>but slowly walked out of the pub.
> Tails was confronted by another Soldier. "Well done Imperial one!"
>he laughed.
RYAN <Soldier>: Ha! See, I made a rhyme.
SAMANTHA: Now what did Tails do to deserve that?
MARK: I believe the soldier thinks that Tails just killed a whole bunch
of people. See, he likes that because Sonotropolis is *evil.*
>Tails didnt even bother to look at his face. "Well you
>deserve a rest, report back to master Sonic and tell him of the onslaught
RYAN: Yeah, have *him* come and kick Sonic's ass!
>you did, he will be most pleased." Tails eyes brightened, "the bus to the
>Citadel is leaving now, if you hurry you can catch it."
STEVE: Man, that place is *so* sexist...
>the soldier pointed
>north to a black bus, Tails nodded and he ran off to it.
SAMANTHA: First it was the black helicopters and now the black buses. I
tell ya, it's a damn conspiracy!
BRET: No, it's just Kefka's way of telling us that everything's evil.
STEVE <Tails pointing to a passing copter>: What was that?!
RYAN <Soldier>: That? That was a pigeon...
> Tails leaped aboard the bus and took a seat to the back. Everyone
>on board was a Guard, they didnt pay any attention to him at all and he was
>glad. He looked up at the red and black clouded sky, he hated that sky, it
>was so unnatural. It was frightening, and he didnt really want any part of
>this place.
NASH: Neither do *we*.
SAMANTHA: I thought you said before that at night, a red sky was a
sailor's delight, Ryan.
RYAN: This story is full of inconsistencies, remember?
>The Citadel appeared from a horizon, Tails hadn't really paid
>attention to its details until now. Large Gargoyle statues were high
>above,
MARK: Gargoyles...?
STEVE: Goliath! Buddy! Wake up and rip Sonic a new one for us!
>its black marble like outside looked in some perverted way. .
>.beautiful. Carved images of naked female Mobians were everywhere here.
>vivisections, rape, destruction, torture was everywhere.
RYAN [sarcasm on 'high']: What? No castrations?
SAMANTHA: Los Angeles goes Goth style.
NASH: Actually, that's pretty much like the real LA...
BRET: Sonic the Hedgehog: Legend of the Overfiend.
>Tails tried not
>to look at anything until the bus halted just out of the gates to the
>citadel. The officers jumped off and went through the gate, Tails
>followed, as they went west, Tails ducked and went straight forward into
>the main building.
RYAN: And I thought I'd seen a run-on sentence before, but THIS takes
the cake...
MARK: You should've been here in the first two parts! Kefka is the GOD
of the run-on sentence!
> Much to his surprise the room was beautiful, much like
>the old palace of King Acorn, brightly lit and many pictures on the walls.
>Further examination of the picture made Tails frown again,
MARK <Tails>: Man, who did these, an eight-year-old? No, wait, they're
signed 'D. Gonterman...'
>they were of
>Sally, but they were of him raping her, of beatings, of horrible pictures.
[Steve falls to his knees and begins praying to Eric Draven again]
SAMANTHA: As a veteran MSTier, I now find the evidence to declare this
fanfic an anti-fanfic!
MARK: Actually, right now, I wouldn't mind *anybody* coming out and
killing everybody...
>Even of Himself, being tortured and abused by Sonic.
ALL: GYYYYYYAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!
>Every one of the Freedom Fighters were shown there except for Bunny.
NASH: What the hell's so special about Bunny? Why does *she* get off?
BRET: All of the Freedom Fighters? Then that means...
STEVE: I was right! SONIC AND ANTOINE!!
ALL: NOOOOO!!
>Many guards were
>posted by rooms, he could barley glance at some of the pictures for fear of
>attention. Miles smiled slightly when he saw some stair cases going down,
>he was hoping this still had part of Robotropolis' old design, he grinned
>again when he saw the cells.
MARK <Tails>: Imprisonment is fun!
>One guard was there, and he was guarding no
>one. In fact he was sleeping. Tails looked around and saw the many tools
>of torture Sonic used for his victims.
NASH: Pauly Shore movies, Liefeld comics, Hulk Hogan matches...
RYAN: Don't forget forcing them to listen to Yanni and Michael Bolton.
>Tails left the room and decided to
>go upstairs, if Sally wasn't in the dungeon she must have her own small
>room. Tails climbed the stair and noticed many blood stains on there,
BRET: So the ruler of all Mobius can't even afford a good cleaning
service.
>he also saw a few scraps of clothing, most likely from Sally. He entered a
>large hallway,
SAMANTHA: But forgot the trip wire underfoot. As it was sprang, a large
axe came out of the ceiling and chopped his head in two. The end.
>but unlike the other rooms in the citadel, it was dark, very
>disturbing and somewhat evil. He opened each door quietly and found
>laboratories, torture room, room with women tied own,
STEVE [falls to knees again]: Eric, buddy, I could really use your help
right about now...
SAMANTHA: The women own the rooms?
RYAN: I thought they had tied themselves up.
MARK <Tails>: Well, they're not Sally. Screw 'em!
>rooms were dead bodies were hung.
NASH: ... and salted. Sonic had the best sausage on all Mobius!
BRET: NASH!!
>It was a nightmare, he finally opened a small door and
>peeked inside, there lying curled in a ball, was Sally, dressed in a blue
>two piece night gown she was convulsing in her sleep. No Doubt Sonic had
>just recently dealt with her, he opened the door more and walked into the
>room, Sally awoke and screamed. Tails had to cuff her mouth shut
ALL: BOO!!
MARK: Great way to treat the rape victim! Just keep hitting her!
STEVE [still praying]: Eric, I could really, REALLY, use your help right
now...
>to keep
>her from alerting the whole building. "Sally!" he pleaded "its me Miles!"
>She looked into his eyes, her own blue's glowing with fear and pain. "I've
>come to help you Sally." He wrapped his cape around her, she started to
>cry, softly when his hands slid under her buttocks.
RYAN: Uh... that's bad form to do that to a rape victim... right?
NASH: Now I suddenly want to stick my head in a blender.
BRET: We know how you feel.
>"no Sally." he
>whispered "I wont harm you, I'm not Sonic."
> "Please don't hurt me again Sonic, please please. . ."
SAMANTHA <growls>: Which is what we're begging of the fanfic, yet it
won't stop.
> "I'm not Sonic, Sally please listen to me." he hugged her. "I wont
>let him harm you anymore Sally, Please I wont let him...I love you Sally."
RYAN: That's probably the worst time to tell her THAT!
>she stayed in his arms without trembling until a dark voice came out of
>nowhere.
SAMANTHA <dark voice>: I'm Batman.
STEVE [getting back in seat]: That would be nice, too.
MARK <doing his UT voice>: Sonic will REST IN PEACE!!
> "This is so sweet, almost enough to melt the heart of the King o'
>mean." Tails turned to see Sonic appear from the shadows. "But almost only
>counts in horse shoes and hand grenades kid."
RYAN: Ya can't forget rocket launchers, Sonic.
>Sonic's hand shot out
NASH: BOOST KNUCKLE!
BRET: Actually, it would be pretty nice if Dangaio came and killed
everybody.
>and a
>blast of magical energy slammed into Tails pinning him to the wall.
RYAN <Sonic>: DARK QUILLS ENTWINE!
STEVE: Looks like we've got another moonie.
RYAN: Hey!
> Sally
>screamed again and fell to her knees, sobbing Tails name out. "Aww now
>look what's happened Tails. . .
STEVE <Sonic>: We've broken the will of a strong female character and
turned her into a helpless victim!
>We done make the wench cry." he cackled out
>loud and Grabbed sally by the arm, he forced his lips to hers and kissed
>her disreputably,
MARK: 'Disreputably'?!
BRET: I see we have a graduate of the Warrior School of Thesaurus Use.
>she didnt even trash in his arms,
RYAN: For the garbagemen picked up on Wednesdays not Tuesdays.
> he let her kiss him as
>he fondled her body. "So Miles, you didnt like the little sex dreams I
>sent you?"
SAMANTHA: <Tails voice> Well you attached them to the e-mails so the
format was all screwed up. Next time, try pasting them to the e-mail.
LYNXARA: Ha ha.
> "I was right, you sorry bastard, I knew this was your doing!"
> "Of course it was Miles. I personally created every one of those
>dreams to he historically accurate!" he laughed again.
NASH: So why hasn't Sally bled to death or died of infection by now?
STEVE: Because this story is evil.
>"How about I show you the real thing Miles?"
MARK: Steve, may I join you this time?
STEVE: Certianly!
[Steve and Mark get on their knees and begin praying to Eric Draven]
SAMANTHA: <chanting> I will not lose it... I will not lose it...
BRET <losing it>: NO! NO! WE'VE ALREADY SAT THROUGH THIS SCENE TWICE,
KEFKA! YOU CAN'T MAKE US DO IT AGAIN! YOU CAAAAAAAN'T!! [begins beating
his head against his seat]
> "Damn you, touch her and I'll. . ."
> "You'll what Miles? cry like those years ago when I took over? will
>you cry beg and plead?"
NASH: If I thought that would stop the story? Sure!
> "I'll rip your sorry head off and shit down your neck."
SAMANTHA: Somewhere, Duke Nukem is crying.
> "I kinda doubt that. but lets see if you can be true to your
>word." Sonic's gaze dropped back to Sally. Her eyes widen in fear, she had
>seen that look of lust before.
RYAN: BWOOP! Change in verb tense detected!
SAMANTHA: So there are different looks of lust.
NASH: Sure! Want me to explain them to you?
SAMANTHA: No.
>Sonic had, in some ways, stages of rape,
>his normal was made for his pleasure only. But one was painful, and meant
>to be painful, for torture or other reason.
[Suddenly, Bret collapses to the floor and begins weeping]
>He had done it numerous times
>to her and she hated it, she despise it, she feared it.
SAMANTHA: He showed nothing but Barney videos for twelve hours straight!
NASH: And then he made her watch Adam Sandler movies!
RYAN: Hey, I happen to LIKE Adam Sandler!
NASH: Ugh... maybe you *won't* be my protege...
> "N..no..." she croaked out. "noo please no Sonic, please god please
>don't."
ALL [except Bret]: LISTEN TO HER, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!!
> "your would be rescuer needs a little demonstration Sally, it wont
>hurt that much. . . well. . . O.K. I'm lying." He grabbed at her lower
>piece of her gown and tore it off.
RYAN: Boy, I bet Sonic's clothing bill is enormous!
> "Well Miles, pay close attention to
>this, I'll have you do it to her also under my control." Sonic drew a
>small dagger with many pointy teeth.
NASH: Hey! It's the killer bunny from that Monty Python movie!
>Tails remembered that blade from his
>dream and let off a low moan. "ahh you remember it Miles. Good, this is
>part of the blade Sonya wants to retrieve so badly."
SAMANTHA: If it was part of the sword Sonya wanted, then it wouldn't be
a dagger but a piece of jagged metal.
>he cut at Sally's
>inner thigh, blood began to slowly ooze from the wound. Sonic pressed his
>lips to it and sucked at it, Sally screamed again as he darted his tongue
>into her.
[Bret begins beating his head against the floor]
SAMANTHA: I'm going to be sick.
NASH: Ew! Not over here!
JOLT: You and me both.
LYNXARA: I warned you...
> "Bastard!!!" Tails scream, He tugged at his unseen restrainer,
>Sonic looked up at him, his face covered in her juices.
SAMANTHA: <weakly> Orange juices?
RYAN <Sonic>: Freshly squeezed and not from concentrate...
> "What's the matter Tails? I touched her, why are you stopping me?"
>he looked back at the crying Sally. "why are you keeping your word to her?"
NASH: Ever hear of the word 'not', Kefka?
> "I swear to you I'll make you pay for harming her."
SAMANTHA: <stronger> And you'll have to ring up your Visa Gold to do it
too!
> "You talk the Talk Tails, you talk the talk."
RYAN <Tails>: That's right, and I'll walk the walk as well... over your
face!!
STEVE: Tails would never say something cool like that in THIS fic...
>Miles eyes flared at
>Sonic, he was ready to rip his former friends head off, but he was
>powerless to stop this, just like his horrible dreams.
SAMANTHA <normal>: So Sonic was powerless to rip his friends head off?
NASH: I wonder if Kefka knows what's happening in this story... I sure
don't.
>Sonic rose from her
>and moved his finger from pointed at Tails to shackles on the wall to the
>opposite side, Tails was flung by his invisible keeper and slammed into the
>wall, the shackles latched on to him. "there Miles, now you have a better
>view of what I do to her everyday and will continue to do forever."
NASH: So we know Sonic is easily amused...
MARK: Uh... exactly how long do we keep doing this?
STEVE: Until Eric Draven shows up, or the scene ends.
MARK: So we've still got a ways to go?
STEVE Yeah... hey, is something wrong with pink-boy?
>Tails said nothing in return, he only pulled hard at the latches cutting his
>wrist deeply. Sonic went back to playing with Sally, ignoring Tails
>constant hard breathing to hold in the screams of pain and rage.
SAMANTHA: And our constant struggle to keep our lunches in.
>Sally tried hard not to cry anymore, she tried hard not to let Sonic have that
>satisfaction, but she was failing, it hurt so much. It was so painful,
>even worst to have Tails watch and hear it.
[Steve and Mark walk across the theater to check on Bret]
>Her would be savior continued
>to attempt to break the latches, Sonic drove himself deeper into Sally
>causing more horrible Pain.
SAMANTHA: <turning green> I will not lose it. I survived Kagato's
Revenge. I can survive this.
NASH [stands up and yells at screen]: You're offending ME with this,
Kefka! ME!! The 'Horsemen skit' guy!
>Sally couldn't sand it anymore,
SAMANTHA <still green>: The wood was too smooth and she had the wrong
kind of paper.
>she had kept
>her screams and cries in from minutes of antagonizing pain.
RYAN: I feel pretty antagonized by this story.
> "MILES!!" she screamed, the foxes eyes darted to hers. "Please
>help me!!" It was with those words, that Tails felt himself go completely
>limp.
SAMANTHA: Don't you *dare* say anything here, Nash!
NASH: Hey! Even *I* have some scruples!
[Mark has pulled Bret's unconscious carcass of the floor.]
STEVE: I don't believe this... Bret actually knocked himself out to keep
from having to read the story!
MARK: Now *there's* an idea.
STEVE: I hope he didn't concuss himself...
>The sudden lost of his body calmed his wanting for blood, he saw
>everything still, but much clearer. So much more alert, Sally's screamed
>echoed over and over in his mind, it was a horrible intoxication, he saw
>sonic and heard his laughter echo with Sally's screams, they were cold
>cruel laughs.
MARK: Here, let me try something. [Gets really close to Bret's ear.] MY
GOD! Look, it's Shawn Michaels!
[No response]
>But somewhat filled with a small wanting for himself to stop
>this. He gazed into Sonic's eyes and saw a demon, but also a helpless
>fifteen year old captured by this evil force, the eyes of a helpless
>teenager but the body of a killer, a rapist, a demon.
NASH: Macaulay Culkin?
SAMANTHA: Blah, blah, blah... Just get on with the story and end it!
STEVE: Uh-oh. No luck.
MARK: Let me try again. [gets close to Bret's ear again, and...] OH NO!
Shawn just pissed all over the Canadian flag!
[no response]
>Miles awoke with a scream
SAMANTHA: So he was asleep before?
>and glared at Sonic, from no where a loud humming nose broke the
>chorus of scream, the light surrounded him, throwing back his hair, a
>gushing wind encircled Tails,
NASH: SUUUUUUUURGE!!
SAMANTHA: Oh great. He's turning into a Saiya-jin.
RYAN <Tails>: Ore wa "Miles Prower" da!
STEVE [catching on]: Now Shawn's setting it on fire!! Oh, the humanity!
[No response.]
MARK: Oooh. This is bad.
>his eyes went blank, from there Miles
>screamed again, this forces around him shoot out like a Sonic spin into the
>Hedgehog, he cried out in pain and was flung to a wall, his quills drove
>right into the walk cutting through it and pinning him there.
SAMANTHA: Yeah.. uh... huh?
NASH: *This* guy conquered the planet?
STEVE: Maybe you should try shooting a lightning bolt at him or
something. The sex scene's over and we're starting to miss stuff.
[Bret's eyes instantly open. He stands and grabs Steve by his coat]
BRET: No more Kefka scene? Bad rape all over?
STEVE: Ummm... sure.
[Mark and Steve exchange a very worried glance]
>Tails roared
SAMANTHA: I am Tails. Hear me roar.
>again and snapped the chains off him, he leaped down to Sally, who laid
>there shaking and sobbing softly. Tails took Sonic's black and purple cape
>and wrapped it around Sally.
[Mark and Steve sit back down, as does Bret]
NASH <Sally>: Eww! These aren't my colors at all!
>He picked her up and carried her to the door,
>Miles stared at Sonic for a moment, the hedgehog was cussing and
RYAN <Sonic>: Rassinfrackin' consarnned varmint!
> attempting
>to rip himself from the wall.
> "Bastard. . ." he whispered and ran out into the hall way, jogging
>quickly praying Sonic wouldn't free himself before then.
SAMANTHA: Hey Tails, I don't mean to question your priorities, but YOU
COULD'VE KILLED SONIC!!!
BRET [happily singing]: Kill kill blood death kill kill kill...
[Everyone turns and stares at him.]
MARK: Good God... he's finally snapped.
RYAN: I've been where he is...
>Guards started to
>come out of everywhere
BRET [still grinning disturbingly]: It's everywhere! It's everywhere!
>as Sonic roared out commands to kill the fox. Miles
>couldn't draw his blade in fear of dropping Sally, he ran quickly and went
>into a hallway, he stopped shot
SAMANTHA <no longer looking green>: Poor Shot. He just had to get in
Tails way.
NASH: And from that day on, Tails was called the Shotstopper. Heh.
>when he saw it was a dead end. He heard
>Sonic's patented Zooming sound,
STEVE: Which Sonic conveniently ripped off from Barry Allen...
RYAN: All Sonic wants to do is put the zoom zoom zoom in the boom boom.
>Miles tried to back track but guards
>surrounded him. Tails ran to the end of the dead end.
MARK <Tails>: Well, God damn! There's a wall here!
> "End of the line Fox." Sonic appeared and started to advance on
>him. "I'll make you pay for this, I'll rip your guts out and chew on them,
> I keep bringing you back from the dead and causing you an eternity of
>PAIN."
RYAN: <Sonic> If you thought the Backstreet Boys were bad, you haven't
seen ANYTHING yet!
SAMANTHA: No comment. I'm tired enough as it is.
BRET [rocking back and forth ala Mankind, and singing]: Pain, pain, go
away, come again some other day...
[Nash and Ryan scoot as far away from Bret as they can]
>Miles started to panic, he looked around and saw a window, his eyes
>lit up and he went for it. Sonic saw the same thing and ran at him,
>Everything felt like Slow motion, Miles slammed head first into the glass
>breaking it and falling out of the 7'th floor of Sonic's domain,
RYAN: Um... um... this is sort of like the beginning of Prince of Persia 2.
SAMANTHA: And crashing onto the street below and dying. The end.
NASH <Tails>: IT'S EXTREEEEEEEME!
>Tails plummeted to the ground below,
RYAN: Well, you were right, Samantha. [stands up] Let's go!
SAMANTHA: Sit back down! It's not over yet!
RYAN: Yes'm. [sits down]
> Sonic couldn't stop in time and fell out of
>the window, his claws snagged onto the building driving holes into it,
RYAN: Now Kefka is ripping off of Spiderman 2099.
>Sonic looked on as Tails ripped his Imperial shirt and pants off, freeing
>his double rotors,
STEVE: What?! So Tails has a pair of airplane propellers in his pants?
>he twirled them and stopped before they hit the ground.
SAMANTHA: Damn! Although I am impressed he did all of that with one hand
holding the princess.
>"DON'T THINK YOU WON MILES! I'LL FIND YOU WHEREVER YOU GO!! I'LL
>KILL YOU! I'LL KILL YOU!!!!!!!" Miles looked back at him and smiled slightly,
>he hoofed back to knothole.
RYAN: On the good foot, OW! Hit me now!
SAMANTHA: But wasn't he flying?
MARK: I don't care anymore. Come on, I think Bret needs a break.
BRET [singing]: Gimme a break, gimme a break...
STEVE: That's right. Come on... [Steve begins gently pushing Bret out of
the theater]
NASH: Movement! Yes!
RYAN: Ugh. I never thought I'd read a story that made me miss CATS...
[DOOR SEQUENCE... 1... 2... 3... 4 ... 5... 6... 7...]
Bret, Samantha, and Mark were in the rec room. Samantha was handing Bret
a bottle of Jolt cola. Bret accepted it happily... but he had done
nothing but grin ever since he had woken up.
"JOLT! Jolt Jolt Jolt Jolt Jolt!" Bret babbled as he rocked back and
forth on the couch, his eyes glazed.
"Here, maybe this will calm him down," Mark muttered as he popped a
Sailor Moon movie into the VCR. Bret stared and grinned at the
miraculously operational TV in the exact same way that he had stared and
grinned at everything else. Samantha and Mark exchanged a worried glance
and backed slowly out of the room.
"*Please* tell me this isn't as bad as it looks," Samantha said.
"I think it may be worse," Mark replied.
Steve finally met up with them, having taken a few minutes to get out of
his ring gear and into some regular clothes. "I brought the Pepto," he
said, handing off a large bottle of the pink stuff to Samantha.
"Doomo arigatoo" she said gratefully. She promptly began drinking it.
"So how's he doing?" Steve asked anxiously.
"Look for yourself," Mark replied.
Steve walked into the rec room just in time to see Bret swaying
disturbingly on the couch and repeating "Pretty colors" over and over to
himself.
Steve collapsed onto the couch next to the completely oblivious Bret.
"Good God... we've finally lost you. I never thought *you'd* be the
first one to crack. But then again, you've had a really bad day."
"Great! Now I don't have anyone to argue with anymore!" Steve continued
to himself. "You just had to go for your shock value, didn't you,
Kefka?"
"Kefka..." Bret's happy grin suddenly faded. "Kefka..."
Steve stared at him. Bret's eyes almost looked normal.
"KEEEEEEEEEEFKAAAAAAAAA!" Bret emitted the author's name in a primal
scream, and then proceeded to break down in tears.
Ryan had gotten roped into helping Nash in the kitchen. Nash had told
him that they were going to make 'a little relaxing drink'. Twenty
minutes and an ungodly amount of liquor later, they were both drinking
from huge blue alcoholic concoctions. Ryan had tried to refuse, of
course (on the basis that he was underage), but you just can't say no to
a guy who's 6'10". Now they were heading back to the rec room, and Ryan
was beginning to feel extremely light-headed. After those horrific rape
scenes, it was nice.
"You know, you... you're a really brave guy," Ryan said admiringly to
Nash. "You know, stayin' sane through the whole story, and then hittin'
on the Undertaker's girlfriend."
"She's not his girlfriend!" Nash replied indignantly.
"Well, they hang around all the time..."
"So?"
"And she stayed really close to him in the theater..."
"So?"
"And he threw a lightning bolt at you for trying to hit on her..."
That actually made Nash think. Mark had been hanging around her a lot
lately... but no woman would pick *Mark* over *him*. If anything, it
just meant that the dead guy was trying to compete.
"Nah, that's just Mark bein' theatrical. He was always like that."
As Nash turned down the corridor, he nearly dropped his drink when he
saw Mark and Samantha standing together. Mark had his arm draped over
Samantha's shoulder in a way that was entirely too territorial for
Kevin's taste. Unfortunately, he didn't have time to do much about it.
Steve and Bret picked just then to walk out of the rec room. Bret looked
pretty haggard.
"Are you sure you're okay now?" Steve asked him.
"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. It's just that one scene *three times*... I had
to get it all out of my system."
"I know, it was hard on all of us."
"Need some Pepto?" Samantha offered.
"No, I'm okay," Bret declined.
"You should try one of these!" Ryan exclaimed, his voice already
somewhat slurred.
Mark stared at the massive blue drink in Ryan's hand, and then looked
back up at Nash. "You gave him one of *those*?"
"Yeah. And?"
"Kevin, you knocked Waltman out with one of those," Steve replied.
Nash grinned.
Samantha sighed, and said, "Well, we'll have to finish this fanfic
sooner or later. Back to the theater?"
Everyone else nodded, and began heading back... Bret moving a little bit
more slowly than the rest.
"Hey, Bret, you comin'?" Steve yelled back at him.
Bret was about to reply, but was then taken aback by the fact that...
"Yes, I used your stupid real name. I can't start insulting you until
you start acting like a pretentious idiot again."
"Well, give me a few minutes," Bret smiled.
[DOOR SEQUENCE... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...]
[All head back into theater and take their respective seats... Ryan a
bit unsteadily.]
>
>
><Chapter 4>
SAMANTHA: Audience: 0.
>
>
> Tails stopped once he reached the great forest, he hovered down and
>put Sally on the ground. Sally convulsed and vomited up whatever food she
>had eaten.
MARK <Tails>: Hey! A french fry!
>"Sally, are you O.K.?" he asked her after she finished throwing
>up. She looked at him with scared eyes.
RYAN [slurring slightly]: <Tails> Hey, donna look at me that way... I
saved your ass...
> "Please Sonic don't hurt me anymore..." She collapsed again into a
>deep sleep.
BRET: Wow. That's almost exactly what happened to me.
>Miles put the cape back on her and walked to Knothole.
SAMANTHA: It would be shorter if you walked... Aw, forget it!
>
>
>
> * * *
RYAN [singing]: One liddle, two liddle, three liddle starsh I shee...
hic...
STEVE: Good going, Nash. You got a kid drunk.
NASH: Thank you. I try my best.
>
>
> "ohmigod! Tails!" Sonya screamed as The fox entered the main room
>with Sally in his hands.
STEVE: 'Main room'? Why am I picturing a den?
NASH: I bet it's got a TV, a nice sofa, some knick-knacks...
RYAN: Break out the nachos! Hahahahahaha!
>"someone a stretcher out her fast!!"
SAMANTHA: Yeah, I always thought Sally was too short.
>Lunarus
>leaped off the couch and ran quickly to Sally, Tails placed her on the
>couch and the Doc check out her pulse, breathing, and wounds.
MARK <Lunarus>: Yep. She's wounded, all right.
> "She's in shock Miles. best get her to the infirmary quickly!"
SAMANTHA: Thank you for that brilliant command! God only knows what
would have happened if you hadn't been there, Tails!
>The
>stretcher came held by Mecha, He gently placed her on it and they rushed
>her to the medical room.
SAMANTHA: But they crashed and died when Mecha's brakes failed him.
BRET: 'They'? Does Mecha have MPD like Mick Foley?
>
>
>
> * * *
>
>
> Tails paced back and forth outside the waiting room, since he didnt
>know a thing about medical healing, other then his spells, he couldn't
>enter.
RYAN: [takes another swig of his drink] Do not enter... do not collect
two hundred dollars...
STEVE: So they only let the doctors in the waiting room...
>Hours passed and his worries grew, he checked his watch, it was
>already going to be around 9pm, the long journey back and the waiting hurt
>his body badly, but he didnt bother to mention this,
NASH: He was also kinda hungry, thinking about maybe getting Chinese,
and had this really irritating gum wad stuck to his shoe...
>Sonya finally came out
>of the operating room, she looked tired and somewhat worried.
MARK: Kinda gassy, too, and just the slightest bit nauseated.
>Tails ran up
>to her and looked into her eyes, he couldn't read them. "Well? how is
>she?"
> "Tails, she suffered major shock, blood loss, damage to her sexual
>organs, plus who knows what Sonic did to her. She needs allot of time to
>rest."
SAMANTHA: <Sonya voice> Plus she's out of character, is getting paid
very little, and had you for a savior...
> "But will she be O.K.?" Sonya gave a small sigh, a weak smile
>formed on her lips.
RYAN: <Sonya> No, she'll be a veget... vegeta... vejitta... veggie for
the resht of her life...
SAMANTHA: Er, Ryan, are you alright?
RYAN: [grins widely] Oh, I'm fiiiiiiiine...
SAMANTHA: <whispering to Mark> We may have to carry him out by the end
of this.
> "Yes Miles she will, you got her here just in time.
BRET <Tails>: Thank god for my plot contrivance!
>There should
>be no physical damage that cannot heal in time." she paused for a moment.
>"However, mentally, she's damage badly. Did she say anything to you when
>you got her?"
SAMANTHA: <Tails voice> Well she did start going 'goo goo gah gah'. Does
that mean anything?
> "She said 'Please Sonic, don't hurt me anymore.' she was screaming
>allot when. . ."
STEVE <Tails>: ...This guy named Kefka walked up to her and asked her to
read this story called "A sorceror, a demon, and Emeralds."
> Miles looked down.
> "I...I understand. She called you Sonic?" Tails nodded. "Oh dear,
>mental damage might be worst then I thought. The only way we can tell is
>to give her time."
SAMANTHA: Nothing like time to heal mental instability!
>Sonya looked back at the door, they opened and Sally
>was being rolled out on a white hospital bed,
NASH: How come they're always white? How bout a more interesting color,
like red? Or maybe some patterns, like plaid or a nice herringbone?
> Tails walked over to her and
>looked at her face.
> "She seems like she's in pain." Whispered Tails.
> "No Miles, I assure you she isn't." Tails looked up to see Robotnik
>in his wolf form still. "She feels no pain, she is resting quiet
>comfortably."
SAMANTHA: Wow! A bit of character development! I'm impressed!
BRET: I feel pretty weird saying this, but this part of the story isn't
that bad. Heck, it's not bad at all.
MARK: Maybe Kefka has MPD. You know, there's 'Kefka the evil sex scene
writer', 'Kefka the slightly goofy and incredibly hard to understand
writer', and then 'Kefka the fairly talented emotion scene writer'.
> "Thanks Doc, I didnt know you knew medical training."
RYAN: <Robotnik> Ya dumb sod, I learned it offa ER... ya twit... Hey
Nash, any more of thish shtuff?
NASH: Let's see if you can live through the one you have first.
> "how do you think I got the name Doctor?" he smiled slightly.
STEVE <Robotnik>: Just how rock stupid are you?
> "Its better to know the Mobian body, much easier to kill when you
>know the weak points."
SAMANTHA: And a good scene from Terminator Two is ripped off.
> "How long will she be out?"
> "not very long," he started to push her into another room, there
>was only room for one patient in here. Used mostly for injured who have
>been infected with a cacheable germ.
BRET: Umm... better add 'Kefka, son of Thinker' to that persona list.
SAMANTHA: Germs from Netscape's cache file?
>"Tails, do you plan to spend the
>whole night with her?"
RYAN <Tails>: Well, I don't think I could lasht the whole night...
SAMANTHA: Even when drunk he can still pick them out... he's good.
> "Yes, I need to, if she wake she might get scared."
SAMANTHA: If I woke up and saw you, I would certainly be scared!
NASH <slyly>: I'll protect you.
SAMANTHA: That's it! This is for my wardrobe! LIGHTNING FIST STRIKE!!!
<Samantha delivers three hundred punches to Nash in under ten
seconds>
RYAN: Ah... memori... mammari... flashbacksh... hic...
> "Very well."
SAMANTHA: <Picard voice> Make it so.
> "Miles," interrupted Sonya. "Don't let yourself get sick. Don't
>worry to much about her, she is O.K..
MARK <Sonya>: Just feed her lotsa ice cream! She'll be good as new in a
week!
>She wont need anymore operations or
>such for two or three weeks.
SAMANTHA: Then shouldn't you get those operations done now?
>Until then all she needs is care and love."
RYAN: All she needs a liddle TLC... [breaks down sobbing] Why can't I be
loved for once?!
BRET: Ryan, buddy, what's wrong?
RYAN: What's wrong?! Hell! Ranma has Akane, Ryouga has Ukyou, and who do
I have?! Nobody! I'm alone and it's not fair!
BRET: Oh, come on! It's not that bad!
RYAN: Yes it is! Even the Undertaker has Samantha! I'm *alive* and I
can't get a date!
STEVE <surprised>: He does?
[Samantha smile back at him and cuddles up to a widely grinning Mark]
BRET [oblivious]: Look, if guys like *us* can find somebody... and we're
on the road about seventy-five percent of the time... then it's only a
matter of time before you find the right girl for you!
STEVE: Heck, I've even managed to have a kid! His name's Ryan, too!
RYAN [smiling]: Really... that's nice... (slumps down unconscious on
Bret's shoulder)
> "I'm there for her Sonya, as for you and the others, I want you to
>take your vacations."
BRET <Tails>: I want you to be as far away as possible in case we get
attacked!
[Nash begins regaining consciousness and tries to crawl back into his
chair]
NASH: Oog. If I didn't know better, I'd almost think you didn't like me.
SAMANTHA: ARGH!
> "We cant now."
> "Trust me you can. Doc you and Mecha need to get that resources.
STEVE <Tails>: We need those generic natural resources!
>Sonya you and Knuckles have to check out the remains of the Floating
>island, its tearing Knuckles up inside.
BRET: I bet that'll be hell to repair...
SAMANTHA: You also need to get some commas. You're missing quite a few.
>What about Antoine and Locy where
>are they?"
> "They left today, before they knew you were missing."
STEVE: I bet they knew, but just didn't care.
MARK: Kind of like how we feel.
> "Good at least they wont have any worries. Trust me, go you need
>to. I can take care of Sally.
MARK <evil>: Yes, she'll be... taken care of. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
>Sonic isn't going to be doing much
>activities right now, he'll be to busy trying to find a way to kill me."
SAMANTHA: Like burning down the Great Forest, for one.
>
>
>
> * * *
BRET: Look! It's Scott Steiner!
NASH: What?
BRET: You know, he calls himself 'Superstar' now...
>
>
> Three Hours passed and the others left by force.
SAMANTHA: They broke out of Knothole 2 with missiles and stuff! It was
cool!
>Miles went back
>to Sally and sat down on a chair near by her. He had her food ready just
>in case she woke up and was hungry, since the operation was only on her
>wounds and umm unmentionable,
STEVE: ARGH! Where was this Kefka during the first three chapters?
SAMANTHA: I didn't know that Mobians had organs called 'umn
unmentionable's'...
>she could very much eat and talk if she
>wanted too.
MARK: She just didn't want to talk to Tails.
>Tails looked at her silent face for the longest time, she
>looked so beautiful, despite the bruises. Her eyelids started to move
>slightly, Miles hoped she would wake up, and she did, slowly she opened her
>eyes and tried to focus on Miles.
NASH <Sally>: Oh my God! Not him! NOOOOOO!!
>when she did she seemed to recognize
>him, she tried to speak but it came out in mumbles. "W..a..t..r..." she
>softly spoke out. Tails nodded and took a cup from the meal,
BRET: Hey! Sally needs that cup! It's an important source of fiber!
>the water was
>thicken just in case she had trouble swallowing it. Slowly she took a
>spoon full and placed it in her mouth. She took what she could in, some
>dribbled down her chin.
SAMANTHA: No one will be seated during the intense 'feeding Sally'
scene!
>Tails cleaned it off with a napkin and asked her
>if she wanted more. Sally nodded and he obliged, a few minutes of water,
>then he asked her if she wanted something to eat. Sally looked at him with
>such eyes, they looked scared but not of him, she felt an extreme safe and
>comfortable feeling next to Miles. She nodded again and shifted her body,
>a small ripple of pain between her legs made her tense.
> "I know it hurts Sally. But it will be better soon, you away from
>him, and I wont let anyone hurt you again."
STEVE: This... this is actually kinda touching... *snif*
BRET: Just imagine how cool it would be if Kefka hadn't picked the Sonic
cast! This scene would rock if it was, say, Ryoga and Akane.
MARK: Yeah, but Sonic'll get her back in a chapter or two so 'Kefka the
evil sex scene writer' can have some more time at the keyboard.
J-BOOGIE: HEATHEN! I, Sir Boogie, 203rd Knight of the True Fiancee would
never allow that to happen! I shall now jab you with my pointed stick!
SAMANTHA: Rei Ayanami is just over there...
JB: Hah! I do not go after 14 year olds!
SAMANTHA: And she's with the puma twins...
[all that's left of JB is the dust left in his wake...]
SAMANTHA: Easier to fool then Nash.
NASH: Hey!
>Sally had her hands under they
>sheet, they slightly moved as if she wanted to hold his hand.
NASH: ... but she really didn't.
>Tails placed
>his hand on her covered paw, she smiled slightly. "come on Sally its time
>for you to eat, help regain your strength."
SAMANTHA: In order to get out of this fanfic.
BRET: Now really, that joke has been done to death.
>
>
>
> * * *
>
>
> Three day passed and
SAMANTHA: A vigilante and four wrestlers were ready to rip 'Kefka the
evil sex scene writer' a new one.
STEVE: The other Kefkas can live.
BRET: Hey, you forgot our "newcomer".
SAMANTHA: Oh, whoops...
>Sally hadn't said anything since the day she
>asked for water. But Miles didnt worry to much, as Sonya said it would
>take her time to heal. She was progressing well, though still bed ridden,
>Miles would stay his whole day with her, occasionally leaving to get food
>or go to the bathroom, when he would return Sally would seem relieved and
>grateful he was back.
SAMANTHA: Oh man! Not another one of these stupid paragraphs!
MARK: We should also add 'Kefka the incredibly long-winded writer' to
that list.
>Tails would often talk to her about happy things,
>things of the past, (he kept off Sonic as much as possible)
SAMANTHA: Which was hard since Sonic was in most of those happy things
of the past...
>she would smile
>and occasionally giggle. Miles would read to her at night helping her fall
>asleep,
NASH: "... Marie gasped with pleasure as Gaston ran his firm manly hands
over her heaving bosom..."
SAMANTHA: Stop right there if you like breathing.
>even his Nightmare ended. He fell asleep near Sally, since the day
>she came here. Once he needed to stay somewhere else and Sally had
>horrible Nightmares, she screamed, cried and kicked until Tails came
back,
SAMANTHA: And gave her her bottle.
>She held him tightly
BRET: <Tails voice> Ack! You're... choking me!
>as he tried to calm her shaking and sobbing. When he
>asked her about her dreams she wouldn't respond, he had to finally make
>guesses on them,
STEVE: GEE, DO YOU THINK THEY HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH SONIC?!!
>from what he found and what she would nod or shake her
>head to, it was about Sonic again, raping her, and killing Tails. He would
>tell her it was only a dream and Sonic will never find her.
SAMANTHA: Now if those don't sound like famous last words...
>She would have
>that Nightmare every time Tails left her alone when she slept. He realized
>that his powers kept the dreams away from here.
MARK: You see, dreams travel in packs and fear fire.
>Miles was still amazed on
>how his powers actually amplified when she was being harmed.
BRET: So, Tails is to Sally as Mamoru is to Usagi... weird...
SAMANTHA: He found it amazing at how strong a plot device could become.
>They saved
>her life, he wished Angela was alive so he could thank her again for these
>powers. He owed her, and every other Mobian who gave their life for him, a
>great deal.
BRET: Because those Mobians had gotten really ripped off.
STEVE: And she helped keep Antoine alive.
SAMANTHA: Careful! The interest is really going to rack up on that.
>Sally was his reason to be happy now, he could start to repay
>her for the many times she has saved him from Robotnik.
NASH: Because she wouldn't be doing anything useful in *this* story!
> There had been no activity from Sonotropolis and Miles was glad in
>a way about that. It was night time already on the fourth day of Sally's
>recovery. She laid in bed as Miles took a wash cloth and clean her up.
STEVE: Ooh, the spine-tingling 'sponge bath' scene!
>Sally didnt want anyone near her, not even the doctors, only Tails. Miles
>became her nurse, doctor, and company, he didnt mind doing any of these
>things.
SAMANTHA: What a wimp! I swear, if Jamie ever writes me this weak, I'll
kick his ass!
JOLT: Yipe!
>He finish cleaning her arms and face, he told her he needed to
>clean her thigh and legs, she nodded. He avoided her private section, in
>fear if a single touch there would make her snap.
MARK: ... his puny neck. Or at least that's what the *real* Sally would
have done...
>She needed comfort and
>friendship and she was just gaining that back. He slowly cleaned her slim
>thighs, quietly doing his task and not letting his mind wander to thoughts
>he shouldn't have.
BRET: Because sex is dirty and evil, kids!
STEVE <Tails>: Think unsexy thoughts... think unsexy thoughts...
Robotnik in a bikini... [pause] GACK! My head! It hurts!
SAMANTHA: No comment. It's just too potent a situation to say anything.
>Sally didnt squirm at his touch anymore, she laid there
>slowly closing her eyes and touching her wet chest.
NASH <Tails>: I wonder if she's trying to tell me something... nah!
>Miles noticed he had
>used a tad bit to much water on her. He finished cleaning her toes and put
>the cloth down, he took a towel and slowly started to dry her feet, he
>moved up her legs till he got as close as he could to the base of her
>thighs.
STEVE: I am so glad this scene is in here! Really! I just can't get
enough of Tails drying Sally's legs!
>He moved to her waist and dried her, then to her stomach, he
>lightly worked with a circular motion until he was near her chest, he
>patted then softly, he felt himself almost become erect but forced those
>feels away. Sally looked at his face seeing the strain in his eyes. He
>dried her arms then her fingers, one by one until he had finished her body.
> He took another clean towel and patted her face softly, he already covered
>her body with the sheet and blanket to prevent cold.
MARK: You know, Bret, you're right. This would be an incredibly romantic
scene if it didn't involve Sally and Tails being ridiculously out of
character.
>She had taken her
>hand out from the blanket and touched his paw. Miles looked at her hand
>then to her face, she was smiling at him, moments of staring into each
>others eyes was broken when Sally finally spoke. Words that will echo
>through Miles mind for a long time.
SAMANTHA: Considering how hollow his head is.
>"I. . .
BRET <Sally>: ...like muffins.
>love you. . ."
NASH <Tails>: If you really loved me, you'd...
[Mark and Samantha glare at Nash together]
NASH: ... I'll shut up.
>
>
>
><<END OF PART 3>> the saga continues! Miles will struggle on to help poor
>Sally, but in the mean time how are the others doing?
BRET: Do you really think we give a damn?
SAMANTHA: Dead and six feet under if we have it our way.
>~~~Coming Soon~~~~ "Thus as love becomes shall it be undone..."
SAMANTHA: What?! And it was actually starting to have redeeming qualities!
STEVE: Thanks for giving us something to look forward to, Kefka.
>"The Sonya and Knuckles Saga"
SAMANTHA: Otherwise known better as the relationship between Celes and
Locke.
>
>Mecha Sonic.....Giving you none stop action when it comes to stories. (yeah
>right)
SAMANTHA: First truthful thing ever written.
MARK: Yes, 'none' and 'action'. Absolutely perfect.
>
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>~~~~~
>~~~~
>~~~~
BRET: Look! It's 'Centipede'!
NASH: Wish I had my Atari...
>
>CAST OF CHARACTERS. . . .
SAMANTHA: Watch as Kefka puts his audience to sleep! ZZZzzzzzz...
>
>Sonic The Hedgehog / The Dark Lord : Sonic has lost his greatest prize, now
>will the hate and rage consume him to doing more atrocities?
SAMANTHA: Like becoming a self-insertion character?
STEVE: Actually, when you consider how invincible Sonic is, that's VERY
likely...
>
>Miles "Tails" Prowers / The Gray Fox : Miles has finally decided to fight
>back the Mental Torture that Sonic bestows on him when he sleeps. Now he
>has gained a lost comrade, new powers, and curiosity.
SAMANTHA: As well as a new car!
MARK: We can only hope that foxes react to curiosity the same way cats
do.
>
>Antoine / Tony / T'wan : Let wish Antoine and Locy a happy trip cause when
>they get back, T'wan will really be surprised!
SAMANTHA <Locy voice>: I'm pregnant and Knuckles is the father!
>
>Knuckles / Red Claw : Knuckles must soon come to grip with the lost of his
>homeland and the fact he thinks he failed his father.
BRET: You think after eight friggin' years he would have finally gotten
used to it...
SAMANTHA: He did! Floating Island was blown up, remember?
STEVE: <Knuckles> (crying) I'm sorry!! OYAJII!!
MARK: You've played too much Street Fighter Alpha...
>
>Princess Sally : Sally is finally free of Sonic, but such pain and horror
>in her mind will forever change the way she was.
BRET: No sh*t!
SAMANTHA: Not for me! I'm made of sterner stuff!
STEVE: Have you ever heard the phrase 'tempting fate'?
SAMANTHA: <smiling wickedly> But that's what makes life so much more
interesting...
>
>Sonya Sho Eiji / Sonya Sho Robotnik : As always Sonya is a breathe of Fresh
>air to Knuckles in his suffocating life.
NASH: Yeah, she tortures him while he slowly dies...
> She will always be there for him,
>however as they go back to the world where their love fell apart will
>things come between them again?
SAMANTHA: You know... things.
NASH: Like bedpans and plungers and ball peen hammers and spackle!
>
>Locy Hottovy : Locy will soon have to face something she prayed never to
>see again.
SAMANTHA: Sonic in drag?
>Dr. Ivo Robotnik / Lunarus: Will the Doc have to put up with Mecha Sonic
>though the whole annoying trip to the Little Planet?
ALL: Yes!
>
>Mecha Sonic: Will Mecha stop being so annoying with those stupid traveling
>Jokes?
SAMANTHA: Will the vigilante, four wrestlers, and one blitzed boy think
of new ways to hurt Kefka?
BRET: Just the evil Kefka, mind you.
>
>Bunny Rabot: What mysterious past is she holding back? and who could she
>possibly be working for if not Sonic?
ALL: IT'S SNIVELY!
>
>Amy Rose: What secret powers is this girl keeping from the Freedom
>Fighters. What power could be so destructive.
SAMANTHA: A match and a can of beans?
>
>All other Characters are strictly extras in this chapter.
MARK: And thus will be killed off in short order.
BRET: Already over?
STEVE: Don't tempt fate. Let's just get out of here.
[With very little effort, Samantha picks up Ryan and slings him over
shoulder, carrying him out of the theater.]
[DOOR SEQUENCE... 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7...]
The inhabitants of the SON gathered on the bridge, except for Ryan. He
was still passed out, but was now resting comfortably in the rec room
due to Samantha. Nash was waiting expectantly at the console as Bret
made his post-fic attempt to find Eric. The others had gotten into
something of an argument.
"I think Bret had the right idea. This thing should've been a Ranma 1/2
story," Mark asserted.
"I dunno about that," Steve replied. "That would make Ryoga the hero,
right? The entire story would just be him getting lost on his way to
Sono... er, Ranmatropolis."
"Yeah, and I don't think I'd want to see what happened to Sally in this
story happen to Akane," Samantha added.
"Well, she's a victim all the time in the original. It wouldn't be much
of a stretch. And the Ranma characters fit the cast perfectly! You have
Kuno as Antoine, and Ukyo as Sonya..." Mark countered.
"So what would she be doing? Looking for the Magic Spatula of Nerima?"
Steve asked dryly.
"Look, this is an idea in progress," Mark growled back at him.
"I found him!" Bret exclaimed. He cued up the Viewscreen to show...
...Eric Bischoff, inexplicably in his ring gear, running through the
streets of Tokyo. Much like the Sailor Senshi who were with him, he was
running like hell from the youma of the week. Eric and the Senshi darted
around a corner and watched as the threatening but non-too- smart youma
blundered on by. This one seemed to be a twisted parody of an idol
singer, complete with a frilly dress and a microphone whose long cord it
cracked like a whip.
"Mercury! Can you scan it for weaknesses?" Sailor Venus asked her
blue-haired friend anxiously.
Sailor Mercury summoned her goggles out of their subspace pocket and
gazed through them at the youma. "No luck... it's a strong youma, and it
doesn't have any scannable weaknesses. We should be able to overpower
it, but we'll have to be careful."
"Fine. Then Jupiter, Venus, and I will keep it distracted," Mars began.
"Once you have an opening, Mercury, you can immobilize it with your
freezing Shabon Spray and then Sailor Moon can finish it off."
"That sounds good," Sailor Moon replied, "but you three be careful."
"No problem!" Jupiter grinned at her before she and the others ran off
to confront the monster. Mercury and Moon headed in the opposite
direction.
Eric wondered why the girls had completely ignored him. Then he realized
that they probably didn't know that he spoke Japanese... and they
understandably had their minds on a more immediate problem. He decided
to stay behind the wall and watch.
The fight didn't go too well. When Jupiter tried to use the Sparkling
Wide Pressure on it, the youma turned out to be immune to lightning.
Sailor Jupiter went down hard after a frighteningly powerful punch from
the monster. Next Mars tried her Burning Mandala; that did some damage,
but the youma used its whip destroy a lot of the fire-rings in mid-air.
Within a few seconds, Mars had been downed much the same way that
Jupiter had. Venus went last, trying to entrap it with her Love-Me
Chain. The youma entangled its own whip cord with the chain and sent a
massive shock of electrical power through it. It utterly destroyed the
energy chain and knocked Venus senseless.
Mercury realized that it was now or never. "SHABON SPRAY FREEZING!!" she
cried as she shot the cold water bubbles at the monster. They hit
dead-on, locking the youma in a block of ice.
It lasted all of about three seconds. The monster burst out of the ice
and began advancing on Mercury and Moon. Sailor Mercury planted herself
firmly in front of her princess. "It's going to charge. Get ready to
run. I'll try to slow it down."
"Ami, no! I won't leave you!" Sailor Moon protested. All the while the
monster was coming closer...
Bischoff groaned inwardly. He had the distinct feeling that Tuxedo Kamen
wouldn't be showing up until all the Senshi were knocked down. But
unless Sailor Moon got a good distance away from Mercury, that would be
too late. Someone was going to have to do something, and it looked like
he had been elected.
So Eric did the only thing he could think of. He charged the youma and
lashed out at it with a combination of his best kicks. He was literally
stunned to see them actually stagger the creature. He knew he wasn't
- that* strong. Still, he didn't think about it too hard, instead aiming
a kick at the youma's hand that held the whip. He connected solidly and
sent the whip flying away from the youma. Bisch dived after it and
grabbed it for good measure.
The two remaining Senshi were stunned. "Well, go on!" Bisch yelled at
them in Japanese. "Kill it!"
"Right, right," Sailor Moon said with a shake of her head. "MOON
PRINCESS..."
Sailor Moon was more powerful than the other Senshi, but the downside to
that was that her attacks took much longer than theirs. This gave the
youma enough time to pull the ribbon it wore ridiculously in its hair
out. The ribbon turned out to be a weapon, too. In a sudden burst of
speed the youma shot the ribbon out at it's nearest target... Bischoff.
The ribbon wrapped solidly around his waist and arms, leaving him
helpless as the youma yanked him into its grasp.
"Oh no no no no no..." Eric had time to utter before...
"...HALATION!!" The powerful energies of the Moon Scepter shot out at
the youma, hitting unerringly as they always did. Eric, and the
microphone in his hand, faded away in the middle of the cataclysmic
energy burst while the youma simply disintegrated.
"Uh-oh," Sailor Moon said fearfully as she realized what just happened.
"I can get in trouble for that, can't I?"
Eric awoke in surroundings that were all too familiar to him. "The
Satellite... I'm back on the freaking Satellite," he moaned as he got
up. Of course, reading bad internet posts was slightly better than
having people trying to kill you, but not by much. He stepped out onto
the bridge.
"Hey, guys, I'm..." he stopped as he saw the inhabitants of this bridge.
It was a blonde human wearing a green jumpsuit, who was accompanied by
two puppet-looking things that had to have been thrown together from
junk.
Clearly, he was not on the right Satellite.
"Wow..." Bret breathed as he looked on. "Someone else had this idea?"
FWOOSH!
\ /
\ /
\ /
0
/ \
/ \
/ \
________________________________________________________________________
BORING STUFF: MWT3K is composed of so many things I don't own that it's
hard to keep them all straight. The story of ASADAE is the property of
Kefka the Dark One (God bless him... I love working with his stuff!),
Ryan is property of Justin Golden, MST3K is the property of Best Brains,
and I think I've mentioned everything else in previous posts. Please,
please don't sue me!
ABSOLUTELY NO INSULT is meant to Kefka the Dark One/Mecha Sonic, and I
really mean that. Just think of this as my odd little version of C & C/
fan appreciation. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I think
you're a talented writer, and I wish you luck in the future.
LYNX'S NOTES: Not too much to say this time. Thanks to Rose Hill and
Stephen Hodges for sending me supportive comments, and my talented
Co-MSTiers, of course. I'd like to take this opportunity to dedicate
this particular MSTing to the REAL Bret Hart. Apparently some bastard
with enough authority to make Eric Bischoff and J.J. Dillon believe him
tried to convince Bret that his father, the legendary Stu Hart, had DIED
jus before Bret's match at the Great American Bash PPV. This was not
true. It was a terribly wrong emotional attack, and kudos go out to
Bret for being able to deal with this kind of thing AND still work the
match. See, we wrestling fans *do* care.
JOLT'S NOTES: What can I say about this fanfic that has not been said
before? It sucks! No, that's not it. It bites! No, that was said as
well... I got it! It was a wonderfully created piece of literature!
There! No one's ever said *that* about this series! Hang on while I take
a shower. I suddenly feel so dirty.
J-BOOGIE'S NOTES: Do not weep for us, kind readers. For it is our duty
to wade through the awful stories to bring you your MSTings. Uh... I
really don't have more to say than that. So, see you next part!
E-mail the Lynx: lynxara@hotmail.com
E-mail Jolt: xwing@uniserve.com
E-mail J-Boogie: WHolden535@aol.com
__________________________________________________________
> "Yes alone, it gives me some time to relax and stool around nude!" Tails
>grinned
Mystery Wrestling Theater 3000, post 104, round four:
'A Sorceror, a Demon, and Emeralds' part four.
Original story by Kefka the Dark One/ Metal Sonic
MSTIED BY: Alicia Ashby, a.k.a. Lynxara
CO-MSTIED BY: Jamie Jeans, a.k.a. Jolt!
CO-MSTIED: Justin Golden, a.k.a. J-Boogie
Now, on to the story!
________________________________________________________________________
Bret Hart had found that nothing worked the poisons of Kefka out of his
system quite so fast as some T'ai Chi and quiet meditation out on the
riverfront. At the moment, he was in the 'meditation' phase. The gentle
rushing of the river... the sounds of the water-birds... the wind softly
whistling through the swaying the grass...
...all were soon replaced by the blaring strains of 'Funkytown'.
Bret's eyes opened instantly, and he found himself sitting on a table in
a crowded nightclub. As soon as he noticed the disproportionate number
of women in the club, he knew exactly who was behind this. He hopped off
the table and struggled through the crowd. When he reached the dance
floor, he was only slightly surprised to see Ryan doing ...
- something*... much to the delight of the seven or so young ladies that
surrounded him.
Bret sighed, and yelled "PAUSE!" at the top of his lungs over the party
din.
Everything froze. It was a few moments before Ryan realized the music
had stopped... and he wasn't too happy when he did.
"Ryan, what..." Bret gestured vaguely at the disco-club atmosphere.
"...what is this?"
Ryan scowled back up at him. "Your turn in the Holocabana was over
anyway. So since the guys and Samantha wouldn't let me join *their*
party, I decided to make my own."
"Party?" Bret asked, dreading whatever answer was coming.
"Sure. If you head back now, you could probably join in. But if you'll
excuse me... PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC, CHIP BOY!!" With that, Ryan's
private party started back up. Leaving Ryan to the bizarre gyrations he
called 'dancing', Bret exited the Holocabana. Samantha had actually set
it up to give *him* a place to relax, but that had gone straight to hell
once Steve and Ryan had realized its entertainment potential.
"I am a REAL A-MER-I-CAN! Fight for the rights of EVERY MAN!"
Bret knew he was in trouble as soon as he heard *that* song wafting
through the SON's corridors. He walked into the kitchen to be greeted by
the hallucinogenic sight of Steve, Nash, Mark, and Samantha all in
various stages of drunkenness and doing their best to finish the song.
Bret quietly sat down at the table and waited for someone to notice him.
After five or ten minutes, Steve picked up on Bret's presence. "Look!!
It's PINK-BOY!" he yelled enthusiastically to the others.
"HI, PINK-BOY!" they chorused.
Bret kept a carefully forced smile on his face as he continued. "Hi.
Would everyone mind telling me what they're doing?"
"Y'know, it's Hulk Hogan's old theme music," Steve replied.
"He must not like that one," Mark said.
Nash grinned. "Well, hell! Let's do one he *will* like!"
The drunken wrestlers all smiled before they began belting out, "Well,
I'm BURNIN' INSIDE... with a SOOOUUUL that's on FI-RE..."
"They're such *nice* boys," Samantha said sentimentally.
Bret tried very, very hard to keep himself calm. "No, I meant *this*,"
he said as he gestured to one of the multitude of empty bottles that
dotted the kitchen.
"Oh!" Samantha said brightly. "Well, Nash and I were going to have
drinking contest."
Steve continued, "But then we remembered what you said to us last night
about being nicer to each other."
"So we decided to *bond* instead!" Mark finished triumphantly.
"And Samantha and I worked out our differences," Nash added proudly.
Bret was forced to notice that.
"Yes," Nash said in his best 'highbrow' voice. "I have talked things
over with Samantha, and I accept her decision. It's not easy to be a
lesbian in today's prejudiced society..."
Samantha did a spit-take as she heard that. "WHAT?!"
"You're excessively violent and you don't like Big Sexy. Therefore, you
are a lesbian," Nash replied sagely.
Samantha slumped weakly on the table in frustration.
Bret sighed heavily. "I'd just like to apologize right now for this...
and everything *else* you've had to go through because of us..."
"It hasn't been *that* bad," she sighed in reply as she mixed up another
massive drink.
Fortunately, Vince chose then to send them a message.
Everyone assembled in the bridge as usual, Ryan showing up last and
looking very annoyed. "This had better be fast! My women are getting
cold!"
"Ryan, your women aren't *real*," Steve noted.
An impossibly sad and lonely look swept over Ryan's face. "I know."
"Hello, Bladerunners!" an all-too-cheery looking Vince smiled at them
from Titan 13. T13 was covered with streamers and festive decorations.
Both Rocky Maivia and Vince McMahon were wearing party hats, and The
Rock was cutting pieces of cake.
"Thank you, Rock," Vince said as he accepted a piece. "I'm sure you're
wondering why we're so happy today. Tell them, Rocky."
Rocky grinned as he picked up his own piece. "The Rock's gonna tell ya
three words that'll haunt you for the rest of your damn lives: THE
TRIVIA SCENE!!"
"The... *trivia*... scene..." Bret trailed off. He looked to the others,
who just shrugged.
"Yes, THE TRIVIA SCENE!!" Vince cackled triumphantly. Unfortunately, he
did so when his mouth was still full... when he went for that trademark
evil laugh, he choked. Rocky's face slid in to his classic wide eyed
gawk as he ran to perform the Heimlich Maneuver on his struggling boss,
while still trying to send up the fanfic.
"Well... your fanfic... today... is ASADAE 4... just remember what the
Rock said... THE TRIVIA SCENE!" Rocky struggled to push the button while
Vince began turning an unnatural shade of blue.
"Well, whatever it is, it can't be that bad," Samantha shrugged as she
downed an impossibly huge drink. "At least, not worse than all the sex
scenes in the last story," she added, her voice already a bit hazy.
"I don't like this," Mark growled. "Vince doesn't *make* idle threats."
"Just remember what I said. No fighting!" Bret reminded everyone. "Even
if Vince is exaggerating, we'll still need to be completely focused."
"That reminds me... I've got a little something to say to you," Nash
said, his face very serious.
"Oh? What's that?" Bret asked curiously.
Nash promptly kicked Bret in the gut and powerbombed him through the
Satellite's floorboards. "Sorry. Had to get all that out of my
system..." he grinned wickedly.
The sirens and buzzers went off. "...AND WE'VE GOT KEFKA SIIIIIIIIGN!!"
[DOOR SEQUENCE... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...]
[All enter theater, Samantha and Steve helping a still-groggy Bret]
BRET [dazedly]: Earl, I need you to watch my back...
STEVE: Nash, was that really necessary?
NASH: After being used as a friggin' human punching bag for the last
three posts, I figured I deserved one good hit.
RYAN: Hey! Does that mean I get one?
OTHERS: NO!
RYAN: Damn.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ {DUE to Some
>ADULT
RYAN <Kefka>: -'s proclaiming my stories warped their children, I have
been tarred and feathered. HAPPY?!
BRET: [sighs happily] That would be so nice, Ryan.
SAMANTHA: [slightly slurred] Woa! Sumthin sure got screwed up in
cyberspace!
>CONTENT, reader's discretion is advised. }
SAMANTHA: Do not r... re... read under penalty of law! *HIC* *BELCH*
BRET: That's it. Tomorrow morning, the liquor cabinet is going out the
airlock.
RYAN: Aww, and I liked that big blue drink.
MARK: Moral? Even if you have a soul within your soul, never try to
drink like a pro-wrestler.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SAMANTHA: Oh!! Look at the little lines, wiggling about!
BRET/MARK/RYAN/STEVE: Wiggle wiggle wiggle!
NASH <grinning>: Ahhh... wiggling...
>
>~-<{<<A sorcerer, A demon, and Emeralds>>}>-~ (PART4)
SAMANTHA: The Armegeddon! *HIC* Man, that stuff was strong.
STEVE: You should've seen what happened when Nash got Rey Mysterio jr.
hopped up on it! Poor little guy tried to Huracanrana a floor lamp.
RYAN: Boy, he sure must have been *shocked* to find out his opponent was
so *light*. Heh heh...
BRET: Nice job, pun boy.
RYAN: HEY!
><The Sonya And
>Knuckles Saga> Written by: Mecha Sonic <a.k.a.> Kefka the Dark One and by
>Monique Morgan a.k.a. Miyasha
SAMANTHA: Damnit! Another fragging author joined dem ranks!
MARK: *sigh* The poor soul probably thinks she can save this story, too.
RYAN <Miyasha>: He BLACKMAILED me into doing it! BELIEVE ME!!
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>~~~~~~~
>SPECIAL THANKS GOES TO: ROGELIO VILLALAZ For helping me out when my
>system crashed
SAMANTHA <Stands up>: Boo!!! Damn you, Rogelio! Damn you to hell!!!
BRET: Calm down, Samantha!
SAMANTHA: Make me!
>and I lost Bookshire E-Mail address and the address where these
>stories are... D'oh!! Next time I'll write 'em down!
SAMANTHA: Fix his computer, why don't you damn no good...
STEVE: Careful!
SAMANTHA: I don't wanna be careful! I wanna kick Roger's ass!
MARK: No more alcohol for you, young lady!
NASH: Moral? No one functions better when drunk than a pro-wrestler.
See, we're just fine.
RYAN: I wish I remembered when I was drunk...
>---------------------------------Editor/Co-Author's
>notes-----------------------------------------------------------
ALL: <burst out laughing>
SAMANTHA: An editor? Who the hell would be stupid enough to edit his
stories?
NASH: Maybe she's some kinda sado-masochist.
> Hi, this is my first time working w/Kefka.
RYAN <Editor>: Forgive me. I didn't know what I was thinking.
> This is a great story line
[All blink at the screen.]
SAMANTHA: Alright. What is she smoking?
>although violent for some but GIVE THIS STORY A CHANCE.
SAMANTHA <stands up and rants>: No! No I will not give this stupid
*BLEEP* story a *BLEEP* chance! You have no idea the *BLEEP* horror we
went through because of this god damned *BEEP*ing story! So take this
*BLEEP* story and shove it up your *BLEEP you *BLEEP* no good *BLEEP*
mother *BLEEP*!!! <sits back down>
MARK: When did we get a censor in here?
BRET: Beats the *BLEEP* out of me.
STEVE: Stone Cold would be proud of you, Samantha.
RYAN: Censor? So I can't say *BLEEP* *BLEEP* *BLEEP BLEEP*?
MARK: No, and you shouldn't be able to say that at all.
RYAN: Well ain't that a *BLEEP*. Heh, this is cool!
>I didn't do ground
>breaking work on this story,
NASH: Oooh. Watch me look surprised.
>I just made things as 'pretty'
RYAN: ...Oh so pretty.
> as I could and
>I added in some suprises.
RYAN: Oh great. Because of this I'm gonna HATE surprises from now on.
MARK: So she gave the fanfic a lovely makeover! She changed its hair and
make-up and helped it find just the right style...
SAMANTHA: <no longer slurred> Like everyone dying? That would make this
fanfic pretty enough.
>Hopefull y after this series is done there will
>be more stories to do
ALL: BOO!!!
>(Heck, maybe one of these day's you'll actually see
>my character!).
RYAN <Editor>: She just happens to have my name and is omnipotent. Did I
mention she has all the men of the world under her heel?
BRET: Um, no thanks. Really, I think we have too many characters as is.
> My thanks go out to Kefka a.k.a. Metal Sonic for letting
>me work on this story and also to anyone who reads this.
RYAN: Wait, you mean he LET her work on this? Shouldn't that word be
"begging"?
STEVE: You'd damn well *better* thank us for wasting our lives on this
crap!!
>Remember th at:
>A.) This story can (and will) get violent, so if that disturbs you....
>TOUGH!
RYAN: Oh yeah?! Get ready for the riffing of your life, pal!!
SAMANTHA: Oh great. Stone Cold just turned into an editor.
NASH <Austin>: You're gonna read my god-damn story, ya little Nancy
boys, and you're gonna like it!! And that's the bottom line!
MARK: I can't help but notice all the wrestling references today,
Samantha...
SAMANTHA: Oh, well, I did kinda like the show I watched with you and
Ryan last night. But that stuff the other guys were watching... I bet
you could use that as an ipecac.
OTHERS: PHILISTINE!!
>You choose to read it.
ALL: NO WE DON'T!!
>B.) There is some adult situations in this
>but this is not a porno so if you're looking for a cheap ride... TOUGH!
RYAN: What? No classic close up shots or the "bomp-chicka-bomp-wow"'s?
BRET: Damn, and I was *sooo* hoping for another one of Kefka's
oh-so-erotic sex scenes...
STEVE: 'Adult situations'? Are we gonna see Tails do his taxes? Are
Sonic and Sally gonna play the stock market? Elaborate, man!
SAMANTHA: Spend some money at the street corner for a cheap ride.
>C.) I HAVE DECLARED MY ROOM AS MY OWN COUNTRY AND......
RYAN <Editor>: My mommy declared war on me. WAAHH!! SHE TOOK AWAY MY
ALLOWANCE! [sniffles] She said something about not adding to my GNP...
SAMANTHA <Editor voice>: ... I Hold dominion over all I see!!!
NASH: ... you are a complete looney who should be locked up in a padded
cell and never let out OR near a fanfic again.
>eheheheh... I done
>now.
SAMANTHA: <dumb voice> I made a funny.
MARK: Ahahahaha. It time for Undertaker to kill you now!!
>Jya mata, O Genki de and enjoy the story! :)
STEVE: And a 'Domo Arigatto, Mr. Robotto' to you too.
SAMANTHA: Screw you!
BRET: Hey! Tone down the language!
SAMANTHA: <eyes blaze white> Make me!
RYAN: Moral? Never let an angry vigilante get really drunk before
riffing a fanfic. Because somebody is likely to get wrecked.
>~Miyasha-chan a.k.a.
>Monique Morgan (Miyasha ka@aol.com or Twohobbits@earthlink.net)
>-----------Back to Author's
>comments-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
SAMANTHA: Which, hopefully, won't be too much.
NASH <Kefka>: Well, I tried as hard as I could to fit in that
'Tails/Antoine/Sonic' rape scene you've all been clamoring for, but I
just had too darn many ideas! So I'll have to turn it into a whole other
story!
RYAN <holds his stomach>: Oh man, that was beyond MY tastes...
MARK <turning green , which is a major accomplishment for a dead guy>:
You will shut up *now*, or REST IN PEACE.
>
>Dedicated to: Certain such people as Sugar, Leo, Locy, Locke, Roxane and
>Bakndadaze....
BRET: Gesundheit!
RYAN: Hey wait, wasn't that tubie named Locy? It's self insertion!!
ALL: NOOOOOO!!!
>And my Brother onAND my Brother on
RYAN: Repetitive, isn't he?
> AOL Mecha Sonic and so
>many more that I have lost count on them, they all are the greatest
>friends anyone can have.e sneakers to
RYAN: And loafers, and slippers, and zapatas, and shoes, and...
SAMANTHA: Okay, now I *know* he lives in his own little world. Lost
count of his friends, don't make me laugh!
JOLT: How much hate e-mail will that bring in, Lynxara?
LYNXARA: Probably enough to make me able to call Gonterman a guy who got
a few negative comments.
STEVE: That's it! I see one more person break the fourth wall here, and
it's Death Drop time!
JB: HAH! I laugh in the face of your Death Drop! In fact... I taunt you!
[So Steve runs across the theater and promptly Death Drops JB. The other
authors run away and are never seen again]
RYAN: And thus proving I am not self insertion. I wouldn't be stupid
enough to ask for THAT.
BRET: <sighs> And NOW we bring you back to today's scheduled fanfic.
> BOOKSHIRE DRAFTWOOD for placing this on the coolest web page in the world
>of Mobius!
RYAN: Right next to the page of waffles and the celebrity fake nudes.
SAMANTHA: Damn you Bookshire! Damn you to hell!
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>~~~~~~~
NASH: Looks like the lines decided to have a drinking contest, too.
>Letter Response: I was hoping Anyone with comments, Idea,
SAMANTHA: How about quit writing and get a *real* job!
BRET: I see lots of flames... the flames of hell itself!
RYAN: Burn, baby, burn!
>or wish to ask
>for rights to use any of this story would send E-mail to any of the
>Compuserve.com MetalSonic@AOL.Com
MARK: Only *two* this time? Could the roaring tidal wave of Kefka's
e-mail finally ebbed to the point where he only needs *two*?
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>~~~~~
>Lawful Crap:
RYAN: Yeah, this crap is pretty awful. Oh wait, there's an "L" before
it. My bad.
> Sonic The Hedgehog, Miles "Tails" Prowers, Dr. Robotnik and
>all other related characters are based on the characters created by SEGA,
>Archie Comic publication,
SAMANTHA: When it comes to the Archie comics I say this: Archie is gay,
Betty and Veronica are lesbians, and Reggie is impotent.
BRET: Damn, I wish I could argue with you.
>DIC's Sonic The Hedgehog Old Saturday Cartoon,
STEVE: That got canceled after two seasons, I might add, which really
makes me wonder why all these people worship the damn thing...
>and SEGA of AMERICA. Other such Ch aracters are created from the minds of
>Elizabeth Ramirez
SAMANTHA: Didn't Sean Connerey play Ramirez?
NASH: Yeah, but that movie still sucked because Connor is such a wimp.
Now *Duncan* McLeod, there's a real man!
RYAN: Why Nash, I never knew you were looking for a real man. <laughs>
[Nash promptly smacks Ryan, inadvertently knocking him out of his chair]
>and Alex Arellano. Final Fantasy 3, Kefka, and other
>such things are based on the characters and items created by SquareSoft
>inc. Suikoden's Rune of Gate is a trademark (I'm sure) of Konami Energy
>Bank is an item from the game "Legacy of Kain"
MARK: You're really just too lazy to come up with an original plot
device, aren't you, Kefka?
RYAN: This guy wrote a *DARK* *SONIC* *LEMON* and you want him to come
up with something *ORIGINAL*?!
>Great game! made by ActiVision
SAMANTHA: Gasp! He stopped using SquareSoft RPGs! Say it ain't so! Say
it ain't so!
BRET: No, he's just decided to abuse some *more* perfectly good games.
>and Crystal Dynamics 1) No one can use the Characters Elizabeth
>Ramirez,
SAMANTHA: Played by Sean Connery.
STEVE: But you have to admit, Kevin, Connor got a cooler story. Duncan
just kinda stands around and kills his friends that miraculously turn
out to be Immortals while other Immortals kill his friends that *are*
mortal.
NASH: Yeah, but Duncan wasn't in Highlander two OR three. 'Nuff said.
>or Alex Arellano created without written permission to the
>author. 2) This file is not to be placed upon a Web site or On-line
>Service without written approval from the authors
MARK <Kefka>: I'm waiting to give out that approval... I'm still
waiting... Um, I'm ready to approve...
>3)No one says anything
>about how cruel I make Sonic
BRET: Actually, we should follow that one. Drove me nuts last time.
>4) And on a final note, How come I put my
>legal stuff on my Sonic Stories and not on my Final Fantasy
>Stories....Hmmmm... monkey sees monkey do?
SAMANTHA: Or you could say good stuff goes in one way and crap comes out
the other.
BRET: Samantha, do you need to step outside or something?
SAMANTHA: Oh, I'm fine now... it's just this story.
BRET: Well, I can understand *that*...
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~>~~~~~~~
>Brief summery: Knuckles and Sonya reach the ruins of the Floating Island,
>only to find it's not so ruined
RYAN: <Kefka> In fact, it wasn't ruined at all. Ignore everything I
previously wrote.
BRET: I *wish* we could ignore it.
MARK: Oh, so the Floating Island got better after being disintegrated.
>and the population has been enslaved by
>some up known entity.
STEVE: Well, up your known, too!
SAMANTHA: The hell...?! There ain't no floating island! It got nuked by
Sonic, remember? Are *you* not even paying attention to the story,
Kefka?
>Who could be so cruel?
ALL <flatly>: Gee, we wonder if it's Sonic.
>If that wasn't enough Poor
>old Sonya is about to get a taste of
> being used again,
BRET: Well, that's it. Samantha, would you mind stabbing me to death
now?
SAMANTHA: ...
STEVE: Calm down, Captain Canuck. You made it through part three, you
can make it through this.
BRET: But death would be so much *easier*...
RYAN <shakes a bit>: Dammit, Kefka, what the hell is it with you and
rape?! Don't you think Sonya has been through enough, and now you got to
put her through MORE of this crap!?!? NOO!! Gonterman was way, WAY
BETTER THAN THIS!! THIS IS JUST WRONG!!!
BRET: Whoa! Ryan, buddy, calm down! I've been where you are, and trust
me, its not a good place! Just relax...
RYAN: But... this is all so wrong... and repetitive and... [eventually
breaks down and weeps. Bret puts a comforting arm around him]
>in the all out story, what will happen to Knuckles and
>Sonya's relationship?
RYAN: And more importantly, who will give a rat's ass?
SAMANTHA: Run free, run-on sentence! Run and be free!
MARK: Truly, Kefka is a great protector of the endangered run-on sentence.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>~~~~~~~
>
>
>
>
>Chapter 1: Forgotten History
SAMANTHA: The best thing about it is that no one remembers it.
>
> Sonya and Knux left Neo-Knothole
STEVE: So there was a bunch of animals running around in tight, high
tech armor blowing up Boomers?
BRET: That said Neo, not Mega.
STEVE: Oh. <thinks for a moment> So there was a bunch of psychokenetic
animals destroying the property while one was dressed up all in white
clamshell armor and bossed everyone around.?
>the following three hours after
>the arrival of the princess. They didn't want to leave; their worry for
>Sally nearly consumed them but Tails suggested a break for everyone was
>for the best
NASH <Tails>: I don't care if the resistance movement is facing a major
crisis! You two need to have some *fun*!
>(He actually ran them out) .
MARK: He shooed them away with a broom.
>Th e
SAMANTHA: You know, it's so funny when a story has an editor and they
still have mistakes.
BRET: I'd hate to see what this looked like *before* she got it...
>duo took a day's travel
>from the dark, shielding forest and through the plains
NASH: Because traveling out in the open is really easy during wars.
STEVE: Wow, I bet Sonya and Knuckles could make a killer green and white
deck.
>until they arrived
>at the beach "Natures Wonder",
MARK: Yes, 'Nature's Wonder', the gentle, all-natural laxative with the
colon-cleansing power of fiber.
RYAN: For when you're really on the "Go".
>the closest beach to where what used to be
>the Floating Island once sailed above. Much to their suprise, the beach
>was not polluted with Sonic's horrible Toxic chemicals,
BRET: Damn Sonic and his generic toxic chemicals! When I think of the
horrible generic evil purposes he uses them for...
>it had remained
>pure as they last remembered it "This is nice isn't it Knuckles?" Asked
>Sonya.
SAMANTHA: Oh man... getting dizzy... must not lose... consciousness...
MARK: Better get used to it now... I'm sure the run-ons only get worse.
> "Yeah, but I can't help but worry about Sally."
SAMANTHA: Then why the hell did you leave?
> "She'll be O.K., I'm sure, Miles wont let anything bad happen."
STEVE: I dunno, he got roped into doing this story...
>Sonya looked up at the echidna as he paused for a moment. He gazed up at
>the sky briefly, he remained motionless with his mouth slightly agar
ALL: JOHN AGAR?! NOOOOOO!!
>then
>fell to his knee's in the moment that his m ind finally processed all the
>information it had inadvertently taken in.
BRET: Knuckles could process a lot faster if he'd finally get a 56k
modem.
>Sonya followed his gaze toward
>the crystal
NASH: Yeah! Everyone knows that Crystal's where it's at!
>blue and gasped. Higher then it ever flew before was the
>Floating Island. . . but it wasn't alone.
SAMANTHA: Sorry if I steal your rant, Bret...
BRET: Take it. Those things were bad for my health.
SAMANTHA: Thank you... THE DAMN ISLAND WAS BLOWN TO DUST YOU STUPID
ENCHIDA JERK!!! IT'S ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE FOR THERE TO BE ANYTHING
LEFT!
>Within it's vicinity more,
>smaller is lands stood held in the air by some mysterious, magical
force.
MARK: It was the most *powerful* plot contrivance ever conceived! In
fact, it had taken a workforce of over 400 people to rip a plot hole
large enough to allow it in!
>Sonya saw Pyramids and gasped again,
STEVE <Sonya>: Oh my god! It's Q-bert!
>the one on the far left was
>Sandopolis, this must have been some strong magic...
SAMANTHA: Yeah, considering that there was just a few grains of sand
left from the island.
> "Sonya do you see what I see?" Knuckles interjected into Sonya's
>thoughts.
NASH: Mental sex! Kinky!
> "You mean the Floating Island and other little isles with it?"
RYAN <Knuckles>: No, the comet about to crash into us. OF COURSE I MEANT
THE FLOATING ISLAND!!
BRET: Oooh, the Floating Island must've gotten knocked up by Madagascar.
> "Yeah..."
> ". . .NO I don't see it..."
SAMANTHA: Thus proving that Knuckles had finally cracked.
>She looked at him again. "Honey, calm
>down, you look like you're about to faint."
STEVE <motherly>: And put on a sweater before you catch your death of
cold!
SAMANTHA: <Knuckles voice> I'm not about to faint! I can just turn blue,
that's all.
> "I'm O.K., really I am...come on we gotta get up there and fast!"
>Knuckles removed his ninja hood and grabbed onto Sonya by the waist.
SAMANTHA: *CRACK*
MARK <Sonya>: AHHHH! My waist!
>He
>leaped up and his dreadlocks caught the wind sending them soaring into the
>air toward the isles.
SAMANTHA: Man, that's some hairdo!
NASH: Does that mean Davey Boy Smith could fly when he had 'em?
BRET: Hey, maybe he was secretly Captain Britain!
STEVE: It's amazing how stupid something from a video game can look in a
story.
MARK: Sure, didn't you see the 'Super Mario Brothers' movie?
RYAN: Can't forget 'Street Fighter' either.
>Sonya could feel
> Knuckles grip tighten when Mountain Fate rose from the clouds,
NASH <snickers>: Well, that's one way of putting it.
BRET: And a good scene from a Douglas Adams book is ripped off!
>that Mountain should have been gone. Why was it there again, HOW was it there
>again?
SAMANTHA: A cheesy plot device. Next?
>Knuckles flew over the mountain and gazed at the horror that was
>once his homeland, there were many conco ctions of metal that were
>factories on the island, sucking
STEVE: ...away our sanity...
RYAN: ... and the very souls out of our bodies...
>the natural resources away in their
>mindless continuancy to serve their 'masters'.
MARK: 'Continuancy'?! That's not even a word! *Ratliff* never did *that*!
BRET: Warrior's suddenly looking very intellectual and erudite.
>There were many robotic
>beings whipping the few residents of the land into terrified submission;
RYAN <Robot>: Submit! Submit! Oh *please* Submit!
>It was a night mare, a dark and twisted nightmare
STEVE: Just like this story!
>that seemed to rise up
>from Knuckles mind making him sick to his stomach with hate, anger, and
>last of all, sorrow.
SAMANTHA: He then tossed his cookies all over a nearby Swatbot.
>The Echidna landed not to far away from one of the
>many factories that dotted the land.
STEVE <grim>: Those that wakkoed and yakkoed the land would have to wait.
BRET: That's horrible!
STEVE: Two words, pink-boy...
BRET: Invoke *them* and I *will* kill you.
>"What's going o n Sonya..." Knuckles whispered.
NASH <Sonya>: I think Kefka forgot about that 'blasted to nothing' line.
> "I...I dunno, this is horrible. We gotta do something Knuckles."
>The echidna fitted his mask back on his face.
MARK <Knuckles>: Damn strings... never could get this thing on by
myself... Sonya, you mind givin' me a hand here?
>He smiled at her with
>almost evil hint hidden in it.
SAMANTHA: "I'll kill you last," Knuckles said.
> "I intend to, now, come on, let's first find out who is
>responsible for all this..."
STEVE: His name is Kefka, and it would make us all really happy if you'd
go and kick his butt and end the story.
>
>
>
>
>
>Chapter 2: New Employment
SAMANTHA: So the rebels started working at KFC?
BRET: Damn, must've let Walt Simonson start writing.
>
>
> "Enerjak, Enerjak!! Come in you stupid echidna."
ALL: <burst out lauging>
SAMANTHA: What the hell kinda name is Enerjak? Sounds like a horribly
mutated version of the Energizer bunny.
NASH: Ten bucks says I know *exactly* how this guy got his name.
BRET: What?
NASH: Just wait for the sex scene.
[Bret suddenly groans as he realizes what Nash is talking about]
>Sonic's voice
>blared from a tela-monitor. "Come in now or I will make you PAY."
SAMANTHA: ... these overdue phone bills!
RYAN <Sonic>: You still owe me for those 900 numbers!
STEVE <motherly>: You come inside right this minute, young man!
>A red
>Echidna dressed in ancient Aztec clothing
BRET: Well, that's what happens when you buy your clothes from the
thrift store.
>ran in and
NASH: ... smacked DDP in the head with a chair, causing *another* Nitro
main event to end in a screwjob DQ finish.
>switched the monitor
>on. He pushed back his beaded dreadlocks an d kneeled to the screen.
MARK <Enerjak>: I worship you, oh mighty television! Please accept this
offering of tapioca, which represents the blissful state you bring to my
mind with your loud and inane spewings!
>"Its about time Enerjak. . .I trust things are going well in the search for the
>Rune of Gate?"
> "Yes of course Master,
SAMANTHA <Enerjak>: As soon as I figured out the advanced part of
WebCrawler, it was easy!
>the half blade has pointed to its location,
>the Hidden Palace. However sir, ah, the Palace is hidden within the
>mountain;
STEVE <Enerjak>: That's kinda why it's called the Hidden Palace...
>its interior has change since the fall of this land."
> "Find it fool, with that we can finally be rid of all the
>nuisances.
NASH <Sonic>: Only its dark power can rid us of those meddling Olson
twins!
>Find it by next week or else I'll have your head on a pike!
>Sonic out!"
SAMANTHA: Sonic is out! And the new WWF champion is the UNDERTAKER!
[Mark raises one hand dramatically and the 'Graveyard Symphony'
spontaneously begins to play]
BRET: Quit that! You haven't beaten Stone Cold yet!
MARK [grinning as the music cuts off]: *Yet*.
>The screen went black. Enerjak trembled for a moment and
>convulsed.
STEVE: Enerjak knew that, as an epileptic, he had no business playing
video games. But did he listen? Noooo...
>He heard a moan in the back room where he c ame.
NASH: I bet he sat the room on fire when he came, too.
>It seems the
>girl he had raped has woken from her 'rest'. Enerjak grinned slightly and
>went back to her.
RYAN <covers his ears, chanting>: Yappappa Yappappa Iishanten...
SAMANTHA: Ack! Not again! I swear, if this scene goes any further then
this, the screen is going to taste my Big Ass Multiple blast...
NASH [opens his mouth to say something, then promptly shuts it]
BRET: See? You do have self-control!
> "Well, well, my dear, it seems I'm going to leave you for now, if
>you're wise you'll be prepared to serve my pleasures later."
RYAN: Service with a smile?
BRET: You're approaching the border line, mister. Don't make me break my
word.
>The girl
>started to sob but nodded. Enerjak moved over to the bed. Above it hung
>the half Blade of Mobius.
SAMANTHA: Hey, it's the other half of the sword that Sonya was looking for!
STEVE: Wow, you must be as bored as I am.
>He removed it and left the room and went back
>to the screen, sighing as he did so. "Blade of Mobius, hear the wishes of
>your owner, lead me to the Rune of Gates."
BRET <Enerjak>: Fulfill the sacred plot contrivance!
>The blade began to glow
>lightly,
STEVE: ... yet fillingly!
>leaping from his hands and
SAMANTHA: Plunging deeply into his chest.
RYAN: Good sword!
>hovering over the table with the
>monitor on it. A mong other things was
SAMANTHA: The large amount of extra spaces.
>also a large map of the Floating
>Islands. It slapped itself right in the middle of the Sandopolis Ruins.
NASH: Great, Kefka saw that damn movie about the Shadow.
>From there it cut its way towards Sky Sanctuary, then to the Mountain of
>Fate. "Damn you blade,
MARK: Hey! Leave Bret's kids alone!
BRET: I don't think that's what he meant...
>why do you make this complicat ed... Know that
>once I find all the Ruins for my master I'll melt you down and make a
>butter knife."
SAMANTHA: Maybe that's why it makes it so difficult on you.
>The blade stirred slightly. It understood him and hated
>him.
RYAN: Just as we hate the author.
>
> * * *
>
>
> Knuckles and Sonya decided to split
RYAN <Announcer>: Today on ASADAE, Knuckles and Sonya have parted
ways... will they ever find each others hearts again?
STEVE: ARGH! They're asexually reproducing again!
>and find each other's way,
SAMANTHA: That way, they'll be easier to find and kill off.
>they would meet back there in 1/2 an hour. Sonya stayed in the
shrubbery,
NASH: So she could bring one to the Knights Who Say 'Nee'.
>her clothing was not good to track in since she wears light colored
>clothing.
MARK: Well, maybe the freaking *huntress* should've *thought* of that
when she GOT DRESSED!!
>She tried to stay where the flowers w ere, she thought she has
>succeeded in staying stealth, until something hit her from behind.
STEVE: It was Kefka's English teacher, and boy was she mad...
>She fell unconscious, her last vision was that of large bot, grinning over
>her.
MARK: TOM SERVO, NO!!
BRET: Is there *anyone* who's not evil in this story?
SAMANTHA: See? Didn't I say they would be easier to find and kill?
>
>
>
> * * *
SAMANTHA: <singing> Twinkle, twinkle, little star...
>
>
> Knuckles hated spying, but he loved the feeling of danger and
>excitement.
NASH: Especially when he got to go on missions to watch the Playboy
mansion!
>Within the small time he had, he had found this was of course
>Sonic's doing.
SAMANTHA: <heavy sarcasm> Oh sure, *everything* is Sonic's fault. Why
don't you try blaming Snively? He's alive!
>He kidnapped a small kangaroo
STEVE: Our hero, ladies and gentlemen! *Our* hero!
>and asked it what was going
>on... "please Tell me kid...you remember m e, the one who helped you find
>your mother, when the winds were getting rough."
RYAN: <Knuckles> Ignore the fact that I just abducted you.
MARK: Damn those lecherous winds!
> "Momma is dead, she tried to save me from SWATbots and she ended
>up eating lasers."
SAMANTHA <Momma voice>: Mmm... tastes like chicken.
>Cried the 'roo. "Mr. Guardian please, please get even
>with those guys...they took my whole family away."
BRET: Well, the Guardian's going to be busy over at the Cadmus Project
with Dubbilex and Superboy...
> "I will kid, I promise, but first I need some info...
NASH <Knuckles>: Where the hell do you go to find a good bar in this
place?!
>tell me
>everything you know since the fall of the island those years ago."
SAMANTHA <Kid voice>: Well you failed us and the island got blown up
real good... I think that covered everything.
RYAN: Don't forget, he ran away from Sonya at the end.
SAMANTHA <growls>: How *could* I forget.
> "O.K., Since the fall, allot of the island was destroyed, Angel
SAMANTHA: Oh crap, another long paragraph. Could someone wake me up when
this is over? [slinks down in chair to take a nap]
>Island, Marble Guardian, Carnival Night, all those places are gone now.
RYAN: Aww, no more big head floats and topless college students?
MARK: Not THAT Carnival...
NASH: Yeah! Mardis Gras is here to stay!
>The island was still in some ways alive it floated over the currents in
>the sea.
STEVE: Uh, sure... Guys, I think I'm going to be the next to snap.
BRET: Don't think like that, Steve!
STEVE: No, I mean it. None of this makes sense, everyone's out of
character, and the occasional thing that does make sense makes me want
to chew my own head off.
NASH: Could you actually do that?
STEVE: I could try...
RYAN: Need ketchup?
>Then one day a Hedgehog in purple, black, and red came here...
MARK: Ah, the Evil Colors (TM).
>he told us he was gonna help us. He was really nice at first, I remember he
>petted me and all that.
BRET: 'All that'? For once, I'm glad Kefka decided to be vague.
>Then he showed his true colors, he took the
>Chaotixs," Knuckles suddenly felt a hard lump in his throat
NASH: Looks like Sonic finally found him! Be sure to control that gag
reflex, Knux.
STEVE: ARGH!
>at the name of
>his com rades. "And he killed Charmy
RYAN: They killed Carmy!!!
BRET: The bastards!!!
>and Espio, he disassembled Bomb and
>Heavy. The only ones that are alive is Mighty and Vector." The 'roo
>paused for a moment. "He even called back Enerjak..." Knuckles almost
>screamed.
MARK <Knuckles>: What the *hell* kind of stupid name is that?!
> "What?! That mad Echidna is back again?! I thought he was floating
>in space somewhere."
SAMANTHA [waking up]: Oh, it's done. Thank god for that. <pause> Enerjak
is a mad Echidna?
BRET: Enerjak's pissed, and he's not going to take it anymore!
> "He's back Mr. Guardian! he is! he's Sonic's main henchmen on this
>Island. He's brainwashed Mighty and Vector again!"
SAMANTHA: What do you mean again? Hello? Story? A little elaboration
please?
> "Oh Great...what's with the factories and drilling?"
NASH: It's *industry*! Building for the future, with 3-M!
> "Enerjak is commanding us all to dig for resources and to find
>some sorta rune thing."
STEVE <'roo>: Something about 'one ring to rule them all', too...
> "Damn, any ideas where it is?"
> "Oh that's easy! It's in Hidden Palace!
MARK: Why the hell is something called the 'Hidden Palace' so friggin'
*easy* to find?
BRET: Calm yourself... think pure thoughts...
>But the way is blocked by
>hundreds of granite....
NASH: ... marbles!
>And anyone who tries to get in there is burned and
>some voice named Archimedes warns us to go away." Knuckles grinned, his
>old fire Ant comrade was still around and
SAMANTHA: ...he's out for revenge!
> thank goodness for that. "Oh I'm going to be missed, that's 25 slashes
STEVE: Okay. Here goes. /////////////////////////
BRET: How the hell did you do that?
>please I must go back..."
MARK: ... to the FUTURE!!
> "O.K. Kid, I'm sorry, and I'll get you out of this, so says Red
>Claw!" The 'roo started t hop away when he turned back and smiled at the
>Echidna.
NASH <'roo>: I feel so funny when I look at him!
RYAN: Oog, that hurt ME...
> "Mr. Guardian! Umm You might wanna check Sky Sanctuary out first!
>There's been allot of activities going around there!"
STEVE: Like dodgeball and aerobics classes and intramural basketball...
> "Alright, thanks kid!"
SAMANTHA <Kid>: Heh heh heh... The idiot fell for it. He won't know what
hit him.
>
>
>
> * * *
BRET: Leonard Maltin must have been doing some wild stuff when he gave
this story three stars.
RYAN: "Marutan" Ray!
MARK <Singing>: "Urutura" Leonard Maltin...
>
>
>
> Sonya was getting quite annoyed at the constant black outs she's
>been having these past weeks.
MARK <Sonya>: Damn! Getting raped and beaten sure is irritating!
>First with her pop now this. She opened
>her eyes to find herself lying on the ground fully clothed... she was
>grateful for that,
SAMANTHA: And so are we.
>"What hit me. . ." she mumbl ed out.
RYAN: A boot to the head. Gotta watch out for those.
> "Just a Stealth bot Sonya." A low toned voice spoke out.
> "Wha...who...who are you? where are you!?" Sonya rose up and took
>a look around her surroundings, it was a kinda prison cell but very
>metallic,
STEVE: Almost like it was made of metal or something...
>the only way out seemed to be a large hole, but pink lights
>reached from the top to the bottom of it.
NASH: She's been captured by the Hart Foundation! Now Owen's gonna have
his way with her!
BRET: NASH!!
NASH: No, wait... I forgot! Owen's in the *Nation of Domination* now!
[Bret groans in agony]
>It didn 't take a rocket
>scientist to know those were containment field rays.
RYAN: But it took a rocket scientist to know that they were deadly.
Since Sonya wasn't one, she got fried into a crispy critter.
SAMANTHA: Once again, she had been captured by the Romulans.
>She was someone's
>prisoner, she didn't like this one bit.
MARK: Well neither do *we*, but the story just goes on and on...
>"Why have you captured me. . .why
>are you doing this!?"
SAMANTHA <growls>: Probably because they're evil, you twit...
> "The Questions are indeed substantial and are entitled for factual
>acknowledgment.
[Everyone stares at the screen in shock for a few minutes]
STEVE: AAAAAGGGGHHHH! Not a half-ass 'big words' character! Please,
please, please!
BRET: Kefka, dictionaries are plentiful throughout the planet and they
can be of great use to a writer...
>However young one I cannot give these answers out so
>easily, you must work for them.
RYAN <Voice>: On the corner. I expect 70 percent of your proceeds. And
you BETTER have my money...
>Try to understand that I do not wish this
>but that the dominator impels me."
NASH [grinning]: Yeah, I know what *that* feels like. Just can't say no
to leather...
MARK: Kevin, *no one* wants to hear about this.
> "Listen pal, first of all, I don't care what your dominator
SAMANTHA: Oh, don't use that word.
BRET: What word?
SAMANTHA: Dominator.
BRET: AAA memories again?
[Nash sighs, clearly thinking about something else]
>wants.
>And second, you should really learn to stop speaking in such intellectual
>output of your declaration.
RYAN: <looks up> Ami?
STEVE: And the author should cease utilizing such aggrandized verbiage.
>D...damn you got me doing it..."
MARK: Well, *everybody's* doing it.
>The door
>opened and someone dressed in a brown cl oak entered,
SAMANTHA: Obi-Wan Kenobi is back and boy, is he pissed!
>Sonya couldn't make
>out his face at all.
STEVE: Good! There's been enough making out in this story!
> "Child, go to Sandopolis your answers lie there. . ."He reached
>out his hand
SAMANTHA: Nooo!!!
>and touched her forehead and she fell to the ground
>unconscious. "Go there and prepare child. . ."
SAMANTHA: *Whew* Thank god it never degenerated into that.
BRET: AGH! Don't mention *degenerates*...
>
>
>
> * * *
>
>
>
> Knuckles tapped his foot repeatedly,
RYAN: <Knuckles> (hums a tune) And ya gotta get jiggy with it...
> his actions reminded him of
>the ol' annoying less deadly Sonic.
STEVE: Yeah, when all you had to worry about is when he ran past you and
set your feet on fire. I REALLY miss him right now!
BRET: We all do, Steve.
> It was an hour past the time of
>meeting with Sonya, and he began to worry.
NASH: Ha ha! Knuckles got stood up!
>He gave a long sigh, and
>decided to leave and hunt for Sonya.
SAMANTHA <Knuckles>: Okay, got my shotgun, orange vest...
>As it was, th e only area he thought
>to check was Sky Sanctuary,
MARK: I wonder if it has anything to do with the fact that the kid told
him to go Sky Sanctuary...
>it was, seemingly calling him, and he wasn't
>about to disappoint it.
SAMANTHA: Considering what the author has already, I have this bad
feeling that sentence could lead to any number of sick scenarios.
>
>
>
>
><chapter 3: Mind games>
STEVE: Saying that implies that someone in this story *has* a mind.
SAMANTHA: You mean Sonic was still trying to figure out that Rubik's
cube?
>
>
>
> Sonya awoke an hour later, she felt like she had a hang over from
>drinking to much Mega Muck.
BRET: She must be talking about that blue stuff Nash always makes.
SAMANTHA: Oh sure. Bring in characters from Capcom and screw up their
names why don't you, Kefka!
>She didn't quite know what to expect at the
>moment she opened her eyes, but what she saw was, frankly, very much
void.
NASH: Hulk Hogan's popularity!
MARK: Ken Shamrock's interview skills!
STEVE: WCW's booking capacity!
BRET: WWF's undercard!
RYAN: Robert Tsunai's social life!
SAMANTHA: This fanfic!
>She laid on a Sand dune
RYAN: Never suspecting the sandworm approaching from behind and very
happy for a warm meal...
SAMANTHA: And the sand dune cried out 'Rape!'
NASH: Is Kefka talking about that screwed up sci-fi movie?
MARK: Kefka could be talking about hydroponic plant growth for all we
know.
>in the middle o f Sandopolis, a pyramid was close
>by, all other directions lead to nothing more but sand as far as the eyes
>can see. "Oh great..." She mumbled. "Sandopolis, spiffy, and me without
>some sun tan lotion and a guide."
SAMANTHA: But since you have fur instead of skin, you won't have to
worry about getting sun burned. It makes no sense really!
>The hedgehog rose from her position and
>made her way to the pyramid. The gravel door opened
STEVE: WHAT?!
BRET: Must not rant... must not rant...
>and she gazed into
>the dark abyss, of the pyramid. <<great.... Just great, I'll die in the
>scorching heat, or get killed in the dark. Somehow I'm thinking I never
>should have left Knuckles side.>>
NASH: *Beautiful* use of sarcasm there.
>sh e thought with very will aspiration
>to enter.
SAMANTHA <Elmer Fudd>: Be wewy wewy quiet. I'm hunting wabbits.
>Sonya stepped in and the door behind her shut, she turned and
>slammed her fists into the door.
SAMANTHA: Ah, a perfect setup for a female character to be captured...
<pissed off voice> I am getting extremely tired of this. If Kefka
doesn't show a strong female character doing something else besides
being captured, I swear I will *tear* the screen apart.
MARK: But women are weak and useless! Didn't you *know* that?
RYAN <edges away from Mark>: Nice knowing you, pal...
> "Now, Now kid, you don't have to be trying to mess up the whole
>interior." Sonya swirled around quickly and drew her blade.
RYAN: <Sonya> And here we have a nice metallic gray/prussian blue
combination for the blade...
> Stand in
>front of her was Vector, the large Crocodile looked at her and grinned.
> "Vector! Thank Mobius! You scared me to death!!"
SAMANTHA: Careful Sonya, just about everyone that was your old friend is
working for Sonic.
STEVE: If I thought there was any real chance of her getting killed, I
wouldn't care.
> "Enerjak was right about you, so the was the old hedgehog. He did
>good in catching and bringing you here daughter of Robotnik."
> "Vector. . . w. . .you're working for them now aren't you...."
ALL: BIG STINKING SURPRISE!!
> "Of Course, now, your gonna do what I say and retrieve the last
>part of the Mobius blade."
SAMANTHA: See? I told you so!
BRET: Well, predicting that a woman's going to be useless in a Kefka
story is like predicting that objects will fall towards the earth when
dropped.
> "Mobius Blade?! That blade belongs to me!!, Sonic has the blade,
>you know where the flint is?!"
SAMANTHA: What is he doing here? Shouldn't he be helping Tasslehoff and
Tanis right about now?
> "In this place, but it seems only that of Robotnik's blood can
>retrieve it."
STEVE <Vector>: Beats the hell out of us why.
> "Why don't you get Sonic to do it."
RYAN: <Vector> Because he's a lazy sod.
> "Sonic isn't pure of Robotnik's blood.
MARK: Neither is she! She's a *BLEEP*ing hedgehog!!
RYAN: Yeah! Get it through your *BLEEP*ing *BLEEP* head, ya *BLEEP*ing
*BLEEP* *BLEEP*!! Hee hee...
>At least he use to be but
>not anymore,
RYAN: <Vector> Yeah, a deus ex machina came by and scrambled his DNA.
> now your gonna get it or Knuckles will die."
NASH: Like she's not going to get it anyway.
> "Knuckles?! Where is he?! What have you done!!??"
STEVE <Sonya>: Why yes, Mr. Sinister Crocodile! I'll believe you without
one *shred* of evidence!
> "Do the job and he'll be safe, so says our master Enerjak."
SAMANTHA: He kinda sounds like Rocky, doesn't he?
BRET: *Exactly* like Rocky. When I get back to Earth...
>Sonya
>knew who Enerjak was, but had no idea how powerful he was. Sonya decided
>if her love was captive she had better do what Vector says.
MARK: And of COURSE she could take his word for it!
> "Fine, what must I do?"
NASH: Well, first you take your clothes off, and then you smear your
body liberally with peanut butter...
RYAN: That'd be too sticky. Now, whipped cream on the other hand...
NASH: Good point. How do you know that?
RYAN <sadly>: I don't.
> "Simple, the Flint is there," Vector pointed ahead,
SAMANTHA: And boy, was that Hill Dwarf pissed!
>Sonya squinted
>and saw a small glint of light reflecting from something. "Since that
>damn statue wont let anyone near the blade except that of Tubbies blood,
>you gotta get it."
SAMANTHA: So an ancient artifact knew all about a species that was made
by science. Yeah, sure... tell me another one.
GUYS: TELETUBBIES?! NOOOOOO!!
> "What will it do as soon as It knows I am one of is blood?"
RYAN <Vector>: Throw a party. HOW SHOULD I KNOW?!
> "I don't know, but you should be able to accomplish it. . . .For
>Knuckles sake heh..."
SAMANTHA: Oh, I could go for some of that rice wine right now...
BRET: No drinking during the fanfic.
SAMANTHA: Rats!
>
>
>
> * * *
>
>
> Knuckles hated this, sure flying use to be one of his favorite
>pass times, but to fly over deadly spikes with almost no wind holding him
>up,
SAMANTHA: Finally the laws of Physics kicked in, and Knuckles plummeted
and was impaled on the spikes below.
STEVE: So what's on Raw?
>toward Sky Sanctuary was something that would not fit in his "Fun past
>time" lists.
RYAN: Yeah, because that was filled with Parcheesi and Trivial Pursuit.
> The Echidna's doubt quickly vanished when he landed on the
>green floating paradise. "Place hasn't changed much." He told himself.
>"Just as perfect and peaceful as it use to be."
SAMANTHA: Excuse me? A place full of spikes is peaceful? Doesn't anyone
find this the least little bit disturbing?
BRET: I think this is what the inside of Kefka's psyche is like.
> "Not Exactly Echidna," Knuckles turned quickly his red metal claws
>out.
MARK: I'll take this rant for you, Bret. KNUCKLES' CLAWS AREN'T METAL!!
SAMANTHA: Somewhere out there, Wolverine is crying.
>The Purple and white weasel came out of the shadows and grinned.
RYAN: <Weasel> Doesn't my color scheme make you want to cringe?
>"Hello Knuckles, I think you know me... Remember, you smashed my face in
>those years ago while I was flying my sky cycle in the floating island."
STEVE <Nack>: Remarkably, I got better!
SAMANTHA: Before working as Guardian of the Floating Island, Knuckles
worked part time as a mob enforcer.
> "Sorry I've smashed so many faces in these years, you're just one
>of the many folks who've lost teeth cause of me." Knuckles grinned.
NASH <Knuckles>: I'm a homicidal maniac! It's fun!
SAMANTHA: Bet he made plenty of dentists rich.
> "Funny, really funny, lets see how funny you think it is when
>Enerjak rapes Sonya."
BRET: Well, what little humor value scenes like that had wore off a long
time ago.
RYAN: They had humor value?
BRET: Well, you know, in the twisted version of sex presented. We all
know it's not like that.
RYAN <sadly>: I don't.
>Knuckles' eyes became cold and he advanced on the weasel.
MARK: NO!! Knuckles is trying to kill Bobby Heenan!
STEVE: Damn you, Knuckles! He's the only *good* commentator we have
left!
SAMANTHA: Some visine will clear that up... Hang on, they're cold...
Okay, read some issues of Playboy to warm them up.
> "Where is she you bastard...."
> "Tut tut! what good will it to do kill me when I've come to give
>you some information."
SAMANTHA: The weasel *IS* Deep Throat.
>The weasel paused for a moment "Your better off if
>you earn your information. Take out the guardian here, then maybe will
>talk."
NASH <Knuckles>: Okay. Where should I take him? Does he like Chinese?
> "Who's the guardian?"
SAMANTHA: Why are you asking *us*? We don't know.
> "You'll see, I'm sure he wont let you go running around his domain
>undetected. By the way, my name is Nack. Ta-ta"
SAMANTHA: His name is Nack Ta-ta? That's a weird name.
MARK: Samantha, there was a period there.
SAMANTHA: I know, I just couldn't think of any other riffs.
>Nack waved his hand and
>vanished into a cloud of smoke.
ALL: <cough>
>Knuckles shook his head and continued
>upward into the zone. He came across the ruins of an old Sanctuary that
>once held the most brilliant statues and pictures of the Old Echidna god.
BRET: So the Echidnas had a nice generic god for their generic prayers.
>Inside was Mighty, the Armadillo that was Knuckles best friend. "Hello
>Guardian" he Whispered.
SAMANTHA: Wow, that's some whispering!
> "Its about time you showed up, now, lets play huh?," Mighty lunged
>at Knuckles.
STEVE <Mighty>: Freeze tag or hide 'n seek?
>He gave a long sigh and didn't bother to defect the blow,
>Knuckles smashed into an altar table.
SAMANTHA: The hell...?! Hey, Knuckles, you're supposed to block with
your arms, not your head!
>Mighty pinned him down and laughed.
RYAN: Yaoi... (groans) No way. There's only so far that I'll go...
>"Are you getting soft former Guardian?!"
RYAN: <Knuckles> Not with the way you're stroking me...
BRET: I thought you said there's only so far that you'll go!
RYAN: There is. That wasn't it.
SAMANTHA: <Knuckles voice> I'm not soft, I'm just big boned!
>
> "I cant fight you damn it Mighty.... You know what our friendship
>means to me..."
MARK <Knuckles>: You're the only friend I have who can buy beer legally!
RYAN <Knuckles>: (singing) You are so beautiful... to me... can't you
see?!
> "Our friendship is gone Echidna! Put 'em up! Before I knock em
>up!"
BRET [blanching]: I... really wouldn't want to *see* that...
SAMANTHA: Is there a phone around here? Maybe I can order some decent
scripts for these guys.
RYAN: [singing] Put 'em up, knock 'em down, tie 'em up, let it ride,
then get with your gal and take the day in stride. And your day will be
over... RAWHIDE!
STEVE: Is that the way it goes?
RYAN: I don't know, but *I* liked it!
> "Mighty, break the spell!"
STEVE: Mighty should get his creator to come and save him.
>Knuckles threw him off and leaped up,
>he took off his metal claws and threw them to the side. "I don't want to
>do this Might..."
SAMANTHA: ... and Magic is a damn fine game!
> "Its time to see who's stronger, The Rad Red, or the Mighty
>Arma..." Mighty Lunged...
RYAN: He couldn't even finish his sentence. How sad.
SAMANTHA: But tripped and impaled himself on Knuckles' claws. The end.
NASH: So what's on Raw?
>
>
> * * *
>
>
>
> Sonya walked up to the statue and looked up at it. "O.K. Statue,
>I'm one of Robotniks blood. Give me that Flint."
RYAN: She's in like Flint! Hotcha!
MARK: Dear God... that's an *actual* line of dialogue...
SAMANTHA: I take it that Sonya hasn't seen any Indiana Jones movies.
>Sonya advanced on it
>ready to grab when something threw her back.
RYAN <Voice>: This one's defective! Been used too many times!
SAMANTHA: Ah, I see the newest plot device has arrived!
> <<Thou Speaks his name, Thou carries his blood. But you are a
>Hedgehog.>>
SAMANTHA: Hey Bret, here's your voice of reason!
BRET: Where the hell was this guy in the last part?
> "I was once a Human, those years ago. . . I lived on Earth."
STEVE: Wait a minute... Sonya is beginning to sound suspiciously like a
self-insertion character...
> <<allow me to test you Hedgehog. . . . Since you say you are of
>Earth then these questions should be quite simple.>> Sonya nodded.
SAMANTHA <Teacher's voice>: The questions are True or False questions.
NASH <dumb student's voice>: Oh boy! Multiple choice! I'm good at those!
SAMANTHA <Teacher's voice>: *sigh* Why me?
><<Fine, In what year was the one known as Bill Clinton reelected?>>
> "Nineteen nighty six"
RYAN: Nigh... nigh... HOW DID HE MISSPELL "NINETY"?!?! ARGH!!
MARK: THE HELL?!
BRET: I sense this is gonna try our souls, guys...
> <<Sonic The Hedgehog was created by. . .?>>
SAMANTHA: Sega Inc.
RYAN: Japan or America?
BRET: Japan. Sega of America bites.
> "....I forgot...." She whispered, a bolt of lightning struck her,
>she screamed an fell back, holding her chest where it struck.
STEVE: Good one, Mark!
MARK: Thank you. I try.
> <<For every wrong answer you will feel the wrath of the blade.>>
RYAN <Voice>: This time you get off lightly. Next time it's fifty
whacks.
>the statue's voice paused for a moment. <<What Company on earth is Sonic
>the mascot of....?>>
RYAN <blinks>: The bloody hell?
NASH [shocked]: I... I have nothing to say to that...
BRET: Stay calm! Everyone just stay calm!
STEVE: This is like having the Senshi wrestle... I can't believe
*anyone* thought of this...
MARK: I have seen the fires of hell... AND THIS IS WORSE!!
SAMANTHA: The hell...?! NO, NO!!! NOW I KNOW GONTERMAN IS CO-WRITING
THIS! THEY'RE SERIOUSLY CLOSE TO RIPPING THROUGH THE FOURTH WALL!!!
AARRRGGHHH!!!
BRET: Dammit, I bet those *people* that kept showing up earlier have
something to do with this!
RYAN: But... how could he be a mascot when he's here pillaging the
land... and the raping... and... ow, my head...
> "Sega."
SAMANTHA: Shameless Company Plug # 1.
STEVE: Yeah! They made games much better than this story! [uneasy pause]
Oh, God... that wasn't funny at all... I can't... I CAN'T DO THIS
ANYMORE!! [runs screaming out of theater]
BRET: Uh... he just needs a minute...
RYAN: How... how could she forget... when that was the answer to the
PREVIOUS QUESTION!?!?!
> <<A Game of an Esper, a Mad Man, and the battle of magi....>>
NASH: Hey! I wonder what game this is! [another uneasy pause] Oh who am
I trying to kid? AAAAGGGGGHHHH!! [runs screaming out of theater]
BRET: This isn't a good trend...
> "Final Fantasy 3 or Final Fantasy 6 in Japan" Vector looked on,
RYAN <Sonya>: Either or. I don't know. Pick one.
SAMANTHA: <groans> Shameless Product Plug # 2.
>totally confused but listening carefully.
> <<Amy Rose second appearance. . . .>>
> "Ummm Sonic Drift 1?"
RYAN: Which was yet another bad idea by Sega of America.
> <<Did Tails appear in Sonic CD?>>
> "Yes if you input a certain code in the Sound test"
RYAN: Tails... never was... in Sonic CD... (holding his head) Fourth...
wall... breaking... can't... stand it... Author... doesn't even know...
what he's... writing about... (stands up) TSUUUUNAAAAAIIIII!!! [runs out
of the theater screaming]
BRET: I can see where this is going...
> <<The Chaotix's appearance>>
> "Knuckles Chaotix"
MARK [eyes wide in horror]: Why, God? WHHHHHHHHHHHHY?! [runs screaming
out of theater]
BRET: Hoo, boy. It's just me and you, Samantha. Are you up to this?
SAMANTHA: I think I can handle it.
> <<Princess Sally>>
SAMANTHA: I get it! The author is proving to us just how little a life
he has by showing his extensive knowledge of the Sonic games!
> "Three Characters are Princess Sally, One is Princess Sally Alica
>Acorn, red hair, ground squirrel. Princess Sally, she is in fact Amy
>Rose, And England's version of Princess sally who does in fact has a long
>squirrel tail."
SAMANTHA: <growing frantic> See? See? He's doing it again!
BRET: Wow, I don't feel bad for knowing all of that pointless Sailor
Moon trivia now.
> <<Knuckles Echidna..>>
> "Four, One is a Jamaican,
SAMANTHA: Oh yeah? Which part is he from?
BRET <Jamaican accent>: Da part near da beach... BOYYEE!
>the other is an Australian, the other is
>a normal speaking All around American Echidna. And the final one is
>Scottish made by Archie comics"
BRET: Um... I've read Sonic comics... I don't think he was ever
*Scottish*.
> <<Sonic The Hedgehog>> Sonya stopped for a moment and sighed.
SAMANTHA <Sonya>: He has gone straight to hell, hasn't he?
> "Sonic, there are an evil punk version made by Archie, the normal
>huge ego one, the one I miss, and then there is this one....And of course
>there's the Japanese Sonic." She paused. "How many more questions..."
SAMANTHA: Ha ha! It's so funny how they rip apart the fabric between
reality and fiction! I'm gonna burst my sides laughing! [Laughs in a
disturbing manner.]
BRET: Uh... Samantha...
SAMANTHA [suddenly sobbing]: AAAAGGGHHHH!! How many more questions?! HOW
MANY MORE?!
> <<there are many Child, now..... What was the best drawn cover of
>any Special edition comic from Archie>>
SAMANTHA [stands]: THIS IS SO STUPID!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, KEFKA?!
WHAAAAAAAAAT?! I CAN'T TAKE THIS! [runs screaming out of theater]
BRET: Damn. Here I am, alone. I'm glad I've already had *my* breakdown.
> "Either the Mecha Madness issue or the Super Sonic vs. Hyper
>Knuckles issue"
BRET: Exactly how could a superpowerful mystic force quiz you on an
opinion question, anyway?
>Sonya answered question after question with no end it
>seemed.
BRET: So how does it feel, Sonya? *I've* been going through this for the
whole damn story!
>She finally realized something and smiled. "For one who is called
>wise, your really stupid.
BRET: At last! A *grain* of truth!
>As it is known, One s who answer questions are
>not as wise as those who ask...let me prove to you I am wise enough to
>option that piece of the blade. Let me quiz you..."
BRET: Huh. Trying to make sense of that would really hurt me, so I'm
not. I think I'd better go check on everyone...
[DOOR SEQUENCE... 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7...]
Bret walked out to find the SON bridge empty. He looked around, already
worried. "Guys? Um, guys... where are you?"
"NO MORE QUESTIONS!" a voice howled from behind him. Bret looked over to
see Steve come charging out of one of the SON corridors, furiously
wielding his baseball bat. "The questions end *here*, Kefka!" he
shouted vengefully as Bret.
"Steve, wait! I'm..." Bret immediately had to dodge back at Steve began
firing a flurry of bat shots at him. Bret dodged back and forth, finally
blocking one with his arm and managing to fire off a rapid punch to
Steve's head. His eyes briefly unfocused, and
he nearly fell backwards. Bret reached out an arm to help pull Steve
back up.
"I... um... What?" Steve asked a bit groggily.
"You ran out of the theater screaming during the story," Bret filled him
in. "Then you hallucinated I was Kefka when I came out to find you."
Steve suddenly looked very embarrassed. "Oh, man..."
"I know, having a story get to you like that sucks. Where's everyone
else?"
"Back in the hallway. I'm not sure, but I think they had me standing
guard."
"Wonderful," Bret muttered as he went off to find them. They were
sitting at the opening of the long hallway that lead to the staircase
that went down to the engine room.
The group did not seem to be good shape. Ryan sat shaking on the floor,
muttering "Those questions... those awful questions..."
Nash gripped the boy's shoulder, his eyes haunted. "I know, kid. I
know."
Mark's gaze was gloomy and distant. "There is no light anymore, no
justice... there is only... *Sonic trivia*..."
Even Samantha, the SON's most hardened MSTier, was sitting quietly on
the floor, her knees ticked up to her chin.
"Christ," Bret swore. "Come on, guys! It wasn't that bad!"
"Actually, it *was*," Steve reminded him.
Bret glared at him, and tried to reach his comrades again. "We can deal
with this! I know the trivia's mind-numbing, but we've all handled
worse! What about the sex scenes in the last story? Ryan, what about all
of those CATS lemons? And Samantha..."
Bret got down on his knees so he could look her in the eyes. "... I
- know* you've been through worse than this. You said it yourself, no
fanfic can break you!"
"I th-think I might have been wrong..." Samantha trailed off weakly. Not
even Kagato's Revenge could compare to the horror of Sonic Trivia.
"Of *course* you were!" a voice boomed over the Satellite's
loudspeakers. Bret looked back to see that T 13 had opened communication
with them. "You never dealt with Vincent K. McMahon before!" Vince
cackled a bit unsteadily from the depths of Titan 13.
"Are you *drunk*?" Steve asked incredulously.
"Of course not! More punch, Rock!" the evil overlord commanded.
Rocky grinned and winked at the camera. "He just likes the Rock's
- special* Hawaiian punch."
Vince leered back at them through the screen. "In ten minutes, I'm going
to cut the oxygen supply to the Satellite's living areas. You'll either
go back in that theater and sit through *another* lovely trivia
sequence..."
Even Bret winced at the thought of that.
"... or you'll all die horrible slow asphyxiating deaths! Either way I
WIN! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!" With that, the Viewscreen went to static.
Bret smiled nervously as he turned back to his friends. "Guys, I know it
seems like Vince is giving you an easy way out, but you *have* to get
back in that theater..."
"*You* go back," Nash replied bitterly. "I'm staying right here."
"Hey, Bret... we've got another transmission coming in..." Steve said
warily.
The Viewscreen struggled for a few minutes to get a clear signal,
finally managing to cut through all the snow to show a *very* familiar
face. "Hey, guys? You there?"
"ERIC!" the WCW wrestlers shouted in unison. They all broke and ran for
the bridge. The others didn't seem quite so enthusiastic, but they were
at least curious (and less suicidal).
Eric was clearly transmitting to them from a Satellite similar to their
own. At his side was a metallic, golden, spider-duck-puppet sort of
thing. In the background, a blonde human in a jumpsuit was working on a
red gumball-machine-puppet sort of thing.
"Whoa! That's the Satellite of Love!" Ryan exclaimed.
"Hi, Crow!" Samantha added with a wave to the puppet-thing.
Eric blinked as he noticed the new arrivals. "Who...? Never mind, I
don't even want to know. I've got to make this fast. I'm stuck up here
with this guy named Mike and his robots, Crow and Tom Servo."
"We're not *his*," Crow broke in defensively. "We're free thinking
automatons. And you forgot Gypsy and Cambot."
"Yeah, whatever. Look, this evil guy named Forrester is making us read
this horrible fanfic. I'm not sure if I'm gonna make it through! Servo's
head has exploded 43 times, and we're only on chapter nine!" Bisch
wailed.
"Whatever it is, it can *not* be worse than what we're reading," Nash
said rather aggressively.
"I have to read a 17 part Dr. Thinker piece called 'Neo-Scouts'."
"Thinker?!" Samantha exclaimed.
"*Seventeen parts*?" Ryan added, his brain growing numb at the thought
of doing a fic that long.
"It's his first fanfic too. He makes the evil sisters from Sailor Moon R
into Scouts, and..."
"ARGH!" a voice screamed from the SOL background.
"Gypsy, bring me another head," the human sighed wearily.
"Anyway..." Eric continued, "*If* I survive I may be able to come back.
Forrester has one of those Deus Ex Machina kits, too... and a sidekick
that makes the Rock look competent. Hey, where's Page?"
"No idea," Steve replied.
"Well, the transmission's breaking up... I've got to go..."
"One question!" Mark suddenly shouted.
"What?"
"The Eric Bischoff show... what the *hell* were you thinking?"
Eric glowered back at them as the transmission became a bit more fuzzy.
"That is a legitimate question. I mean, that segment was a total piece
of crap! And you spent, what, about seventy *thousand* dollars on the
set?" Crow began.
The transmission faded out to the sound of Bisch telling Crow to shut
up.
The inhabitants of the SON could only stare at each other.
"Well... who wants to read some Sonic trivia?" Bret asked.
The others gave various nods and signs of assent... after all, at least
it wasn't 'Neo Scouts'. The buzzers and lights went off at about the
same time.
"Good... cause we've got KEFKA SIIIIIIIGN!!"
[DOOR SEQUENCE... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...]
[All enter and take their seats]
STEVE: It's true... there really *is* always someone who's worse off.
NASH: Hot damn! Sonic trivia!
MARK: Well, at least we know the story can't get any worse now.
RYAN: I wouldn't say *that*...
SAMANTHA: Umm... thanks for helping us out there.
BRET: But I didn't *do* anything! Other than not go nuts, that is...
SAMANTHA: I know but... uh... thanks for being strong for m... us.
>
>
>
> * * *
SAMANTHA: Amazingly, all three of the hired Snipers bullets missed the
author's computer.
>
>
> Knuckles was getting tired, it felt like a battle that would rage
>on forever, however he knew Mighty's weakness, and that was he didn't use
>his mind to often.
SAMANTHA: Hey, just like the author!
>Knuckles figured if there was anyway to win he must
>outsmart the Armadillo.
STEVE: So Knux is gonna start a battle of wits where *nobody's* armed...
>Knux ran quickly
> towards the top tower, knowing very well if he took the battle to the sky
>there's more a chance he would win.
SAMANTHA: I haven't seen this much action since the last Koopa fanfic
'Boba Fett meets the Pizza Cats'.
MARK: You read that one?
SAMANTHA: Actually, no. I had some friends at the Anipike that read it
and told me about it.
RYAN: Koopa... ah yes! 'Return of the X-files'.
SAMANTHA: You had to riff that one?
RYAN: Yup. Was tame compared to a lot of the stuff I'd gotten before.
>
>
> * * *
>
>
> <<The capitol is Jackson...>>
NASH <singing>: Action Jackson... is my name!
SAMANTHA: Oh man. They're still at this? I feel like I'm in school.
> "Humph! O.K. O.K. You wanna play tough...what is the hidden joke
>in Miles Prowers name?"
BRET: Where were you on the night of the 18th?
> <<Miles Prowers is if said fast enough says "Miles Per Hour" are
>you through toying with me?>>
SAMANTHA: <Statue voice> Please put that whip and chocoate sauce away.
I'm getting tired.
> "Not yet!" Sonya thought for a moment about her past human life,
>riddles had always confused her, yet made her ponder on every part of it.
SAMANTHA: My mind feels amazingly like pudding after reading that line.
>Perhaps a riddle with no answer must be asked. "What's the highest
>number?"
> <<Ah....Umm....>>
> "Do Flies Fly?"
> <<w..wait I..>>
RYAN: Oh... My... God. OF COURSE FLIES FLY YOU TWIT!! HENCE WHY THEY
HAVE WINGS AND ARE CALLED "FLIES"!!!
BRET: Ryan... calm down... remember Thinker... it could be worse...
RYAN: (breathes a bit heavily) Right... right...
> "If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around, does it make a
>sound?"
STEVE: If a tree fell on the characters and crushed them, would anyone
care?
RYAN: I know I wouldn't.
> <<Mortal wait until.....>>
> "What was the first unrecorded language ever in Earth?"
RYAN <Voice>: Ugg ugg mugga wugg.
SAMANTHA: Oh come on, now you're just growing immature, Sonya.
> <<I..>>
> "What is the Christian God real name?"
> <<Enough!!! Answer this and you will be worthy!! What is the sound
>of one had clapping?!>> the voice was enraged, just as Sonya hoped.
RYAN: Here. [reaches over Bret and slaps Nash in the back of the head]
Oh wait, he said one hand *clapping*...
NASH [a bit angry]: Do you want to be Wolfpac or not, kid?
RYAN [hides behind Bret]: Save me!
BRET: No!
MARK: Well, I have no idea how on *earth* Sonya could answer this!
>He
>prayers were answered when he told her to answer this question. In
>response, she clapped her left paws fingers on her left paw's palm, it
>made a weak sound of flesh hitting flesh.
SAMANTHA: You can't answer that question! IT IS UNANSWERABLE!
NASH <Kefka>: Why no, I didn't hear all of these riddles on an episode
of 'The Simpsons'! Whatever would make you think that?
>The Voice roared out in rage
>for a moment, then silenced. Sonya wondered if it was O.K. To get the
>blade now, before she could think more on it, the voice spoke.
BRET <voice>: Okay, enough screwing around. Here's the *real* test.
><<Pass child of earth...> >
SAMANTHA: <Statue voice> Time to die. MWAHAHAHA!!!
>
> * * *
>
>
> Mighty chased down Knux, screaming out for him to halt in the name
>of Enerjak and Sonic.
SAMANTHA <singing>: Halt... in the name of love...
>"Yeah right bud!
STEVE <Knux>: This Jamaican weed is great, man!
>You wanna stop me you gotta catch
>me!" Knuckles leaped off the stair cases and glided under it.
SAMANTHA: Hello? Dr. Thinker? Please don't write Kefka's fight scenes
for him anymore.
>Mighty
>stopped and looked around, confused by Knuck les action,
SAMANTHA: Non stop, knuckleless action!
MARK: Kinda describes the whole story...
>he was never one
>to flee in the heat of a battle.
RYAN: Because he was stupid like that.
NASH: Yeah, tell that to the guys he left to Charlie back in 'Nam.
>Without warning the echidna leaped up
>and smashed into Mighty, knocking him off into the platform below. He
>landed on Mighty and pinned him down.
BRET: ... but only for a two-count!
>"NOW!!! Shall we start talking
>about you and Enerjak?"
SAMANTHA: <Mighty voice> Okay, shift over a little... there! That's
better!
RYAN <Mighty>: We've only gone out once. I swear! You're the only one
for me....
>
>
> * * *'
>
>
> "Yes!!" Sonya pulled the flint from the cushion and waved it
>around.
RYAN: <singing> She's swinging it in the air!
SAMANTHA <singing>: And swinging like she just don't care!
>Vector walked up to her and smiled.
> "Well done kid, now give it up to me so I can give it to Enerjak."
>Before Sonya could decline a bolt of lightning struck dead center between
>them,
STEVE: Your aim wasn't so good that time.
MARK: Well, they keep *moving*...
>Enerjak appeared from the powerful charge and grinned, he snatched
>the Flint and held up the blade.
SAMANTHA: So a flint is a blade... That makes no sense whatsoever. And
Enerjak should have sliced his hand off when he grabbed it.
MARK: Eh, details.
RYAN: And nice thinking. Then he could've bled to death.
> "At last!! COMBINE YOU ACCURSED BLADE!!!" It shook for a moment
>then bonded, the blade was now whole, its ridged edges gleamed
>wonderfully.
SAMANTHA: <shields eyes> AHH!!! My eyes!
BRET: But Sonic has the rest of the blade! She can't *possibly*...
STEVE: No rants, Gretsky, remember?
>Enerjak turned back to Sonya and smiled wickedly.
NASH <Enerjak>: *I'm* not wearing any underwear!
RYAN: [and for the first time ever, Ryan pales and falls out of his
seat]
BRET: Wow, you've even affected HIM.
>"Well done girl, as a reward, You will not die, but in fact b e once again
>turned over to Sonic."
BRET <Sonya>: Oh, well that's awfully nice of... *hey*!
>His grin widened, "after I'm through with you..."
RYAN: [climbing back into his seat] <Enerjak> You'll never view
Riverdancing in the same way, EVER!! BWAH-HAHAHAHAHA!!
>another bolt of lightning and she passed out.
MARK: Got her that time!
SAMANTHA: <snaps and stands up> AHHH!!! THAT'S IT!!! I'VE HAD IT WITH
THE WHOLE HELPLESS FEMALE THING THROUGHOUT THIS ENTIRE SERIES!
PREPARE TO DIE!!!
BRET: Oh no! Everyone, get down! <He, Ryan, and the wrestlers hit the
deck as Samantha's eyes blaze white.>
[With a scream of rage, Samantha leaps at the screen and tries to punch
it. However, her punch hits a force field and she is thrown back only to
be caught by Mark. As he puts her back on her feet, McMahon's voice
starts up.]
MCMAHON: So sorry, Fallen Angel! After you nearly blew up the theater
last time, I had some Level Ten force fields installed. So now you can
blast and punch away at it to your hearts content and the fanfic will
never get hurt.
SAMANTHA: DAMN YOU!!!
[She starts charging a Ki blast... a really *big* ki blast]
BRET [standing and jumping in the way]: DON'T! The energy'll just bounce
off the field and kill *us*!
RYAN: And this is bad how?
STEVE: Don't get *that* started again!
[Samantha inexplicably becomes very calm and takes her seat again]
SAMANTHA: Ooh... All right. But I *really* want to hit this stupid fanfic.
BRET: We all do, honey.
SAMANTHA: <blushes>
>Enerjak looked back to
>Vector and nodded. "You have done well Vector, now, stand by, I will need
>you and Mighty when we di scover the hidden Palace."
SAMANTHA <Enerjak voice>: Just di it!
>
>
>
> * * *
>
>
> "That's all I know! Now let go of me bastard! You will never reach
>Enerjak in time to stop him from island domination!
NASH <Mighty>: He's conquering Indonesia and there's nothing you can do
about it!
SAMANTHA: With a magical blade, I highly doubt that Enerjak will stop at
just taking over an island.
>He serves Sonic, and
>by god Sonic will get what he wants!"
MARK <singing>: You want it all, but you can't have it...
> "Not if I can help it..." Knuckles lifted his hands and struck
>Mighty again. "Snap out of it Mighty, Remember, you use to value your
>freedom over anything else, sides our Friendship!"
STEVE: So what if he wants to be free of your friendship?
SAMANTHA: Good way to remind him, Knuckles. Hit him a few more times
just to remind him of *how* good a friend you were.
BRET: If that doesn't work, then maybe Knuckles could try killing his
pets.
> "Key terms Echidna, USE TO." Another blow to Mighty's cranium.
RYAN: Ah, I'd like to give ya a boot to yer gluteus maximus.
> "Damn you! Fine, Take a rest!"
NASH <childish>: Fine, you big poopy head! I'm just gonna go over
*here*!
RYAN: I'D like to take a rest from this fanfic...
>Knuckles struck his comrade roughly
>and the Armadillo passed out.
MARK: Well, why the *hell* didn't Knuckles just do that in the first
damn place?!
> "Well done Guardian!" Knuckles turn around again to see Nack
>Standing there with a huge grin. "Now, about Sonya..."
SAMANTHA: She's a badly mutated version of Celes, we already know that.
STEVE: She's kind of an Author Avatar, too.
>
>
>
>
>
><chapter 4: The Bond of Emeralds>
BRET: Is Pierce Brosnan in that?
SAMANTHA: And they don't come cheap, I can tell you that!
>
>
>
> Sonya REALLY hated this, Blackouts were becoming quite
>troublesome.
NASH: Man! Don't you just hate it when you're just mindin' your own
business, and then you black out and get raped by an Echidna? Doesn't
that just suck?
>As she was discovering now, back in Enerjak's Citadel, she
>laid upon the bed, her hands and feet strapped and restrained by Enerjak's
>Magical Energy.
MARK <DJ voice>: Okay! We've got another slow, relaxing rape scene
coming to you here at WRAP. This one's from Kefka the Dark One, and it's
called 'Enerjak and Sonya'. Enjoy.
>She was still clothed,
SAMANTHA: Oh thank god!
>but from En erjak's look, not for
>long.
STEVE: Is anyone surprised by this now? *Anyone*?
SAMANTHA: <mimes talking on a phone> Hello, rape scenes anonymous? Could
you send some people up here? We have a bad fanfic for you people to
deal with.
>"Let me tell you of Echidna civilization little one, perhaps that
>will relax you."
BRET: Yeah, nothing gets a woman in mood faster than a good history
lesson.
RYAN: <starts writing that down>
BRET: I was KIDDING.
RYAN: Oh... darn...
>Enerjak, poured himself a drink of wine and moved over to
>the bed, he sat down on its side and gazed into Sonya's eyes.
NASH: Then Enerjak noticed the *good* parts...
>Slowly he
>removed his mask from himself, she gasped as the face of a well-toned
>Echidna appeared. His dreadlocks were beaded, and he had dark eyes.
SAMANTHA: In a fit of lust, Sonya forgot all about Knuckles, broke
through her restraints and jumped him.
RYAN: With the way she's been acting before, I have a feeling that'll
happen.
>"Long long ago, Echidnapolis was a striving city.
MARK [suddenly stands]: DAMN YOU, KEFKA! Can't you name a city
*anything* but 'something-opolis'? Do you *have* any original ideas
WHATSOEVER?!
BRET: Calm down, big guy.
RYAN: Yeah. Remember this is KEFKA you're talking about.
>It was still bound to
>Mobius, Technology reigns supreme, However with Techno logy we found out
>of an upcoming disaster. A white comet from the heavens...
SAMANTHA: Oh no! Sephiroth got his hands on the Summon Meteor materia
again!
>Large and
>unforgiving would soon crush the city and destroy all in its path.
RYAN: And hopefully wipe out some of the bad guys in the process...
HIT!! HIT!!! WIPE 'EM OUT!!
STEVE: The comet had orchestrated a carefully planned coup, utilizing an
extensive guerrilla resistance movement.
>That is when a young Echidna Scientist, a female echidna, her name forever
> lost in time,
RYAN: <Enerjak> Because the author was too lazy to think one up...
> however kno wn as one of Knuckles distant relatives, found a way
>to save the island from this threat.
SAMANTHA: Couldn't she have used it to save the world?
>Using all echidna's in the city,
>they searched for the only natural source that might save them...
NASH <grim>: ... the cleansing power of Tide.
>the Chaos
>Emeralds. As said in books, a dozen were placed, and wi th their powers,
>the city was uplifted. Many Generations later,
MARK: Star Trek Generations?
BRET: As long as it's not Generation X... bleah.
STEVE: Or Gen 13!
>my brother and I were
>born, his name was Edmund, and mine was Dimitri, Long at studies we worked
>on creating a device that would slowly drain the chaos emerald and once
>again make the floati ng island part of Mobius."
NASH <Dimitri>: Granted, it would be the part at the bottom of the
ocean...
SAMANTHA: Oh man, I feel like I'm in history class. *YAWN*
BRET: Then by the story's logic, this *should* be turning you on.
>He paused for a moment,
>Sonya seemed Deep in thoughts,
MARK: ...with Jack Handy?
>even when he was younger, his brother had
>told him he was fantastic in telling a tale, to best even the greatest
>bards.
STEVE: No, he said that you were full of bullshit.
BRET: HEY! Where'd that censor go?
RYAN: Aww man, you mean I can't safely say--mfflgphg?
BRET: <holding Ryan's lips shut> No.
>As she was preoccupied he slowly began to move close r to her, he
>slipped off her boots and kissed her small feet.
SAMANTHA: ACK! Well, that certainly woke me up. Eww! Now I wish I *had*
fallen asleep.
>She flinched and broke
>her chain of thoughts.
SAMANTHA: <makes glass shattering noise>
>Realizing his mistake he continued to speak of the
>past.
RYAN: <Enerjak> Fourscore and seven years ago...
> "The Chaos Syphon, was the hopes of all echidna who wanted to once
>again join with the social creatures under us. We delivered our speech of
>the outcome, it would have worked, and it would have once again brought
>happiness to those.
NASH <Enerjak>: Sure, it would've made life a living hell for everyone
else and wrecked the ecosystem, but who cares?
>But the weak willed fools fear it. They would not
>take the small risk, my work, my time, MY LIFE was ruin because of them.
MARK: Enerjak sounds suspiciously like a Stan Lee villain.
>My cowardly brother refused to go behind their back and try it, but I
>wasn't. My brother attempted to stop me, it was futile.
RYAN: <Kefka> Sanity is futile. You will be nauseated. We are Kefka.
> 'What has
>begun...cannot be undone' as I told him. Before I became what I am to
>this very day,
STEVE: ... a half-assed rip-off of a Flash villain?
>Enerjak. But before I could achieve total rule,
>creatures....
BRET <Enerjak>: ...Incredibly strange creatures who stopped living and
became mixed-up zombies...
>Simple FIRE ANTS chewed away at the foundation of my tower,
>and collapsed it.
RYAN: Yeah, well tough sh*t. Hey, how'd I say that?
SAMANTHA: This sounds like one of those long, painful, boring,
incessant, annoying Gonterman speeches.
>Burying me, until nine years ago. Before that I had
>over a thousand years to plan my revenge.
RYAN: <Enerjak> And after a thousand years, I could sure go for a couple
hundred chili dogs...
> And I was finally released...."
>He slowly slipped her shirt off and gazed at her body.
NASH <Enerjak>: *Damn*! Lay off the twinkies, girl!
>Sonya seemed so
>deep in his words. "Tell me little one, tell me of your past, you are not
>a Mobian....speak as I partake in you."
RYAN: NO!! Not another damn story telling scene!!
SAMANTHA: Hello? Sonya? He's taking your clothes off while he's giving
you a history lesson. Do something about it!
BRET: Apparently the feminine will is helpless before the pure eroticism
of a history lesson.
SAMANTHA: <makes choking sounds>
> "My life as a human. It had always been cold, rejected by my
>fellow classmates, bad grades. Hated by most of my family cause of my tom
>boyish ways.
RYAN <Sonya>: My real name is Shinobu and my bad grades were caused by
Ataru and his friends...
> The only thing that would drown my sorrow and keep me going
>was a interesting comic I found but a few m onths back as my life as a
>human.
STEVE: She's actually going *along* with this? God, this story *is*
evil!
SAMANTHA: Hmmm... I have this wild idea that Kefka the Dark One is
merely another name that Gonterman goes by on the net.
MARK: What makes you say that?
SAMANTHA: The long speeches, incest acts, complaining about family
life... Need I go on?
>It was Sonic The Hedgehog Issue no. 11, I remember that comic
>well, I still hold it dear to me. Soon I went on an all out quest to fine
>the ones I missed, eventually retrieving all of them.
NASH: Well, *someone* must've had a hard time finding a date.
>Though my spirits
>were lifte d once a month, I was happy, I use to dream of being in Mobius,
>one night my dream came true. From out of the night a portal opened, and
>told me, it said to me to come and become the legendary heroine of this
>weakened planet.
SAMANTHA: That is one hell of a plot device! <pause> Hey, do you think
that if we all dream of getting off this satellite, a portal will open
and we'll get back on Earth?
BRET: Probably not.
SAMANTHA: Damn!
>I didn't know what to think , it was all too sudden,
>like from a Comic book or Fan fiction."
STEVE <Sonya>: You know, cheesy, unoriginal, and contrived.
RYAN: Heeeeyyy... not all of it is crap.
>She paused for a moment, feeling
>Enerjak thrust deeply into her.
RYAN: AAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!! [slumps down into his seat, passed out]
SAMANTHA: The hell...?!?! How did we get here? I thought he was still
taking her clothes off!
MARK: Well, that was a *lot* of exposition...
>She held back the urge to scream and
>spill herself onto him.
NASH: Sadly, Enerjak wasn't stain resistant.
STEVE: She's *enjoying* this?! Kefka, when I *find* you...
>"When I finally chose yes, I remember being at
>the boundaries of a Forest and a polluted city. I was also naked, and
>still human.
MARK: I swear, it even *one* Overfiend tentacle monster shows up...
>I found a device strapped to my arm, what I now called a
>'Morpher'
RYAN: <mumbling in his sleep> It's morphing time... Weak-willed
Contrived Hedgehog Power...
SAMANTHA: Damn, he's doing it again!
> it allowed me to change my form to anything I wished, to allow
>me to call any kind of magic, to use any special abilit y and to use any
>weapon.
SAMANTHA: <Sonya voice> Strangely enough, it had this mark on it saying:
Made by D. Kintobor. Do you know what that means?
>But it didn't allow me to gain comrades, I was kidnapped by
>Robotnik's moments after I arrived. He questioned me, he wanted to know
>why me, as a human, was here.
STEVE <Sonya>: He also wanted to know where the hell I got off claiming
to be his daughter...
>Considering he said he 'Dealt' with all the
>humans on Mobius, the
> look in his eyes scared me, I didn't know what to think nor say. I was a
>female human, no doubt the last of my kind and he was a male human, almost
>the last of his kind. This could have led to very nasty situations."
SAMANTHA: And it did.
>Raw
>energy was entering Sonya the longer Enerjak did his thing with her, she
>felt such an electric charge
SAMANTHA: *GZZZZ!!!*
NASH <Sonya>: Ahh!!!
>as he touched her breast and began to lick
>parts of her not even Knuckles dare considering doing without her
>approval.
BRET [sarcasm on 'high']: OF COURSE! And we *all* know that guys who
bother to get a woman's CONSENT before performing sexual acts with her
are TOTAL WUSSIES!!
>She shivered under his tongue
SAMANTHA: So now she's a flower. Oh! That said shivered, not
shriveled...
>and continued her tale. "I remem
>ber screaming as he began to touch me in certain sections, then something
>happened,
MARK: An ill-written and highly disgusting sex scene?
>I hit part of my morpher and my body changed, into this, but I
>was a yellow color. I sprang from my captors' hands and ran, I don't even
>remember how far I got until I bu mped into Sonic.
SAMANTHA: *BUMP*
STEVE <Sonya>: Ahh!! My leg!
>I screamed again, I
>mean I knew who this way but I was seeing him face to face!! When we saved
>each other. We Returned to Knothole, and I began my typical tourist, and
>no life at all fan girl act.
NASH: Well, *someone* was in character, for once.
>Oh! Princess Sally!, Tails!, Antoine!,
>Bunny" I acted like such a fool. But this removed all doubt in their mind
>that I was a spy, as time passed I discovered I needed to locate the Chaos
>Emeralds, that's when I met Knuckles, he was working on Robotnik's
side.
SAMANTHA: You know, elaboration during sex just doesn't cut it with me.
BRET <green>: You're remarkably calm about all this, you know that?
SAMANTHA <evil grin>: I'm just letting it all build up. You'll see...
>He almost killed my brother, bu t I tackled him and stopped him, we gazed
>into each others eyes, and found a love." Sonya's lower lip trembled
>violently, she felt Enerjak's erection flare up,
RYAN: <wakes up> Is it over? <looks at the screen> ARGH!
STEVE [hopefully]: ... thereby setting Sonya on fire and ending the
story?
NASH: *ENER*-*JAK*! I knew it!
MARK: I guess this means he loses the Inferno match...
>it would only be a matter
>of time before he spills himself into her. "M..Many...t..Times, I've
>h..held...him." She started to sob softly, Enerjak smiled darkly at her.
SAMANTHA <Enerjak>: I'm not wearing a condom, you know.
> "You know, Once I ejaculate into you my dear, the force of eleven
>chaos emeralds will enter your body.
STEVE: Man, I *knew* this story was going to go Overfiend sooner or
later...
>You'll be mines forever,
RYAN <Enerjak>: Yeah, you be mines, bi-yatch.
> I can ask
>Sonic to let me keep you, yes, Once this is done you are mine, body and
>soul.
SAMANTHA: Boo!!! No man can own a woman body and soul! I swear, if this
guy is in the next AAA tournament, I am going to kick his ass *so* bad!
RYAN: Can I help?! PUH-LEEZE?!?!
>Never has even one been able to resi st the power I forced into
>them." She stared at him, her mind racing with his words, she started to
>sob louder now, feeling helpless against this betrayal of her love.
BRET [suddenly standing]: What, so now Sonya can't even control HOW SHE
FEELS?!!
[Bret immediately runs over to the screen and begins punching it,
thoroughly enraged. Samantha and Steve are forced to pull him back]
BRET: I HATE YOU, STORY!! I HATE YOU HATE YOU HATE YOU!! NO REAL WOMAN
WOULD ACT LIKE THIS!!
SAMANTHA: Bret, please stop it! You're going to hurt yourself!
STEVE: I knew that 'no rant' thing wasn't going to last...
[Eventually, they get Bret back in his seat]
>She had been raped often, too often for a mear Mobian or human to survive
>without ment al damage.
RYAN: Oh sure, you realize this NOW, YOU INANE INSIPID WEENIE OF AN
AUTHOR!!
SAMANTHA: But then she started wetting her bed at night and going 'goo
goo gah gah'."
>However she too held the power of the Chaos
>emeralds and the powers of beyond Mobius. But this, This was breaking
>her,
NASH: I think it's breaking us, too.
RYAN: I think I broke awhile ago... I'm just trying to keep myself
together.
>Enerjak was making her so weak, this was different from her father or
>Sonic or anyone else's rape, this was as if she was b eing raped by her
>lover Knuckles.
MARK: You see, story, that would be 'sex' and not 'rape', by virtue of
the fact that Sonya LIKES Knuckles, and that Knux isn't an evil bastard
like pretty much every other guy in this story.
>She started squirmed in his hands, but this mealy made
>him thrust deeper,
ALL: BOO!!
>that time had come,
NASH: ...for she already had. Heh.
RYAN: [screams a primal yell of the damned and leaps over Bret, grabbing
Nash in a choke hold] Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!!! THIS STORY IS BAD
ENOUGH WITHOUT YOU MAKING COMMENTS LIKE THAT!!!!
NASH: Dammit, that's it...
[Nash picks up Ryan and powerbombs him twice. Ryan is left in a
twitching heap on the floor]
BRET [smacking Nash]: I SAID NO VIOLENCE!!
>she knew it as he did.
BRET [growling]: If that was Kefka's idea of a pun...
[Bret begins rising out of his seat again; Mark gently pushes him back
down]
>The bond of
>her Emeralds and his were calling each other. As it was about to spill
>into her,
SAMANTHA <Announcer's voice>: Spill on Isle Twelve.
>a window shattered,
RYAN: It's Stone Cold!!
ALL [chanting]: STUN-NER! STUN-NER!
>Knuckles ripped from it screaming Sonya's name and smashing
>into Enerjak, leaving Sonya once away unconscious.
SAMANTHA: <tired voice> Kefka, would you just give up the unconscious
female thing already? It's getting kind of tired at this point.
>
>
>
>
><Chapter 5: Conflict>
SAMANTHA: Between us and our stomachs to keep our lunch down.
>
>
>
> "So, you made it, I was hoping you would former Guardian." Enerjak
>rose from the ground and gazed into the Echidna's cold eyes, Knuckles held
>out his red iron claws and smiled.
SAMANTHA: <Knuckles voice> Time to make like Mrs. Bobbit! *SNIKT*
> "I wouldn't miss killing you for all the world."
> "I didn't mean killing me. I meant the rape of your love." Knux
>turned and looked at the naked Hedgehog. "She's quite a creature.
STEVE: An incredibly strange crea...
MARK: We've used that one.
>Quite willing when you draw her mind into submission, tell me Knuckles, tell
>me what you think of what I did..."
SAMANTHA: You're a sexist jerk that's gonna get his ass kicked by a
certain deadly redhead!
BRET: Not if a certain 5-time world champion gets to him first.
> "I'll make you pay for all this..." Knuckles lunged at him only to
>be knocked back roughly,
NASH: Because he likes it rrrrough!!!
>Enerjak cackled and began to use his magical
>energy it surged and ripped into the screaming knuckles.
> "How does it feel to be at death's door once again Knuckles?!"
SAMANTHA: Well they have this dreary interior decorator... Oh, you mean
Knuckles. Sorry.
>He picked him up and threw him against the wall, Knuckles was greatly weaken
>by these attacks,
STEVE: YOU THINK?!
>never had such pain filled him.
NASH: At least, not since Big Gay Al had 'filled' him.
RYAN: [covers his face and groans]
>He loomed over Knux and
RYAN: Made him a nice fluffy quilt?
>smiled darkly, his foot rammed into Kn ux's side harder and harder, every
>kick and punch served to torture the echidna. "I kill you off quickly so
>I can get back to playing with Sonya.
MARK <Enerjak>: We're gonna make it to level eight of Super Mario!
>Soon this world will completely be
>Sonic's and I will rule with him! And I shal~ UGARRAHHH!!" Knuckles hea d
>his scream and the quick movement of something, Enerjak's gaze became very
>obscure and finally he collapsed to the side of Knuckles.
SAMANTHA: Someone had transported the entire works of Ratliff directly
into his mind!
ALL: YAY!!
>Slowly Knux
>looked up and saw Sonya, naked, shaking and holding the bloody blade of
>Mobius,
RYAN: <Snooty voice> Yes, the bloody weak-willed twit used the bloody
blade to smite the bloody bastard, Enerjak. Bloody nifty, twasn't it?
BRET [gasps]: Sonya did something USEFUL?!
[glorious lights shine down from the heavens, and an unknown choir sings
'Hallelujah']
>Nack was by her side looki ng down at Enerjak, smiling slightly.
SAMANTHA: A little necrophilia, anyone?
MARK: If *anyone* makes *any* reference to me, I *will* kill them.
>
>
>
>
> * * *
>
>
> Sonya embraced Knuckles still holding the bloody blade.
SAMANTHA: However, she lowered it too much and Knuckles was once again
anatomically incorrect.
>She
>sobbed his name whispering words of a mad person.
STEVE <Sonya>: Soylent Green is made from *people*!
>"Don't ever leave me
>don't ever leave me,"
NASH: *That's* our old, useless, co-dependent Sonya!
>the blade slowly began to glow a bright yellow,
>Knuckles let out a moan feeling his wounds heal wi th a loud suction cup
>like noise,
RYAN: Kinda like *THWOCK*?
BRET: How'd you do that?
RYAN: I... have no idea.
SAMANTHA: Actually, it sounds more like a dozen tiny bells going off at
once.
>Sonya was soothed by the light.
BRET <Sonya>: Pretty colors...
>Her mind became clear from
>the rape, she let out a small sigh and starred at the blade. "You're
>alive aren't you..." The blade jiggled
RYAN: <singing> Jiggle it... just a little bit...
> slightly as if to reply. "My
>goddess,
RYAN: It's Megami-sama! Get it right!
SAMANTHA: Urd?
>the blade is alive."
MARK: If it starts talking to her, I'm jumping out a window.
STEVE: We don't *have* a window!
MARK: Then I'll *make* one.
RYAN: I think I'll jump out the airlock instead...
> "And hold the key to stopping Enerjak or anyone else from taking
>the ruin of gate."
RYAN: <Nack> Completely ignoring the RUNE that was so talked about
before...
> Nack interrupted. Knuckles was about ready to leap at
>him when Sonya spoke out.
> "Thank you Nack, for saving me."
> "Was nothing Sonya, ya know how I feel 'bout you.
NASH <Nack>: You know, completely ambivalent. Now pay up!
>but cant we
>talk about this later?
BRET: Can we not and say we did?
>we must get to the Hidden palace. Sonya ask the
>blade to guide you." Sonya nodded.
> "blade of Mobius, please, we need your help, find the Hidden
>Palace for us."
SAMANTHA: The blade went on strike and wouldn't go back to work unless
it got paid more.
>Again the blade stirred and jiggled around, it pulled
>Sonya toward Mount Fate.
STEVE <Sonya>: Dammit! Am I going to have to get a choke collar for this
thing?
>As she was pushed faster and faster towards the
>mountain she turned to face Knux and Nack. "Come
> on! lets hurry!"
SAMANTHA: <singing> Hey, ho! Let's go!
RYAN: <stands up and starts walking out of the theater>
SAMANTHA: Not you.
RYAN: <sits down grumbling>
>
>
>
>
> * * *
>
>
> Countless hours of running through the large maze
SAMANTHA: While we spent countless hours reading this fanfic.
MARK: Countless hours of our short, finite lives that we can never have
back...
RYAN: I think I've aged a couple of years because of this thing...
>inside the
>mountain they came to a sector that was buried by stones, unmovable to
>those without the aid of the blade. Sitting on one rock was the old
>Echidna, he started at Sonya then Nack then to Knuckl es. "At last you
>have come ......my Son."
NASH: Hey! The old Echidna's going to change Sonya from a Dark Knight
into a Paladin!
>He removed his hood, Knuckles' eyes widen as the
>face of his father appeared, his beard now stained white with old age.
BRET: Yes, Old Age Beard Stain. Available at Walgreen's and other fine
stores.
>Knuckles nearly collapsed from disbelief.
> "F...Father....H...how is this possible...."
SAMANTHA <Father>: Well you see, it's called a plot device and it can be
used for nearly any situation...
> "This must be kept for another time my son, now, Sonya you must
>open the gate and retrieve the Ruin before He arrives and takes it."
STEVE: What, the whole thing? That must be one helluva sword.
RYAN: <holding his head> It was a RUNE before...
> "But Enerjak is dead." Replied Sonya.
> "I do not speak of the Echidna of yore, I speak of Sonic, the
>demon adolescent."
MARK: Oh, like Hanson.
RYAN: They're not adolescents. They're pre-pubescent.
MARK: They're still demons.
> ". . .it is you isn't it. . .Your The one that kidnapped me in the
>first place!" Sonya raised her blade at him, knuckles pushed her back.
> "No! Not my father, don't even try it Sonya!" He roared, her eyes
>widen, he had never truly yelled at her in such a way. It hurt, her eyes
>darted and back to Nack and moved to him.
NASH <Sonya>: Hey! Get back here!
>"Sonya do as he says and break
>the granite"
> "Fine." She rose her blade again, a strange illumination spilled
>from it, it darted to the boulders and crushed them to sunder.
SAMANTHA: This almost like the scene from Chrono Trigger when Frog used
the Masamune to spit the rock blocking the path to Magus's castle.
>On the
>other side the glow of hundreds of crystals and mystical marble pillars
>stood.
BRET: Neo-Tokyo!
>Standing in the middle of it all was t he fire ant Archimedes, his
>bent Australian hat tilted to the side and his brown clothing covered in
>dust.
> "Well its about time you came back Guardian!" He leaped up on
>Knuckles and smiled. "its been too long. Far far to long."
SAMANTHA: Um... no comment.
> "Yes my friend, thank you for watching the Master emerald and this
>rune everyone is talking about."
STEVE: It's hip! It's hot! *Everyone's* talking about it! It's the
*rune*!
> "Yes well this rune is important. Now, Sonya have it join with
>your blade."
> "How did you know who I was?"
> "I know allot of things Sonya, plus Knuckles father told me."
ALL: Wah-wah-wahhhh!!!
> "How do I get the blade to join with it?"
RYAN <Archimedes>: Cry out "Crappy Kefka Plot Convenience Combine."
NASH: Give it a T-shirt. Duh!
> "Why didn't you say 'how do I get MY blade to join?'"
> "Cause, it seems to have a will of its own, plus who am I to claim
>a living being is mine too own."
MARK [snorts derisively]: Yeah, you're not a *guy*!
> "You are truly one of Pure heart,
BRET: 'Pureheart'... which one was that?
STEVE: I'm not sure... it was one of the Cousins, I think.
>hard to believe you are of
>Robotnik's blood."
NASH: Yup.
> "Damn it, leave my father out of this. He is a good man, its your
>Mobians that made him who he was!" She screeched angrily.
SAMANTHA: That has got to be the biggest load of crap I've heard since
Gonterman's last rant!
>Before she
>could finish her ranting a magical blast of fire busted hitting Sonya and
>throwing her to the ground.
MARK: It's KANE!!
>They spinned a round and gasp, Enerjak stood
>there with Vector and Mighty at his sides.
BRET: Oh, now the story's making fun of itself!
> "Do you think a simple thrust of a blade could kill me..."
RYAN: If only we were so lucky...
> He
>touched his blood soaked clothing "I'll make you pay for this Girl, and
>you as well Nack, you betrayed Sonic your head
STEVE: Which one?
BRET: STEVE!!
STEVE: Look, I think that's a legitimate question...
>will be mounted on a wall for this."
> "Sorry pal, I had a reason, we Returners just can't stay loyal to
>him." Nack grinned and drew out a long whip.
NASH: I'd prefer it if you got that chick Sonya from Battle Arena
Toshinden in here with a long whip.
RYAN: <holding his head> No... Boys Night flashback...
SAMANTHA: Returners? Oh man, can't you leave a good video game alone,
Kefka?
> "As I suspected. You are a Returner, scum like you will no longer
>be a problem once the rune is given to M'lord. I'm sure Knuckles, and
>Sonya want to know why all this is happening for a simple rune.
RYAN: And yet ANOTHER damn expository scene...
MARK: Well, it's because this guy named Kefka thought it would be a good
story idea.
>Before I
>kill you all, my Master wanted to tell you ." Enerjak dropped his staff to
>the ground, a black cloud arose from it and a holographic picture of Sonic
>appeared.
SAMANTHA: The hell...?!?! Enerjak's alive? I must have missed something.
BRET: Yeah, they contrived him back a few lines ago. Don't feel bad, I'm
having a hard time following it too.
> "Greetings Knuckles, hello Sister. I'm surprised you made it this
>far, considering the fact you both are quite wounded, but more so that
>your minds must be thinking partly of Miles and Sally. They are all
>alone, what fun if I could capture them."
STEVE <blandly>: Oh, yes. What fun.
> "You'll never find them Hedgehog, They are out of your reach for
>now."
SAMANTHA: Oh no. I sense another long paragraph coming on.
> "For now..... but your not, Demitri will deal with you, but before
>that, I just cant help but tell you my plans for the future you will not
>be in.
RYAN: <Sonic> Because we all know that the bad guy always loses after
telling his plans... DO'H!
> Picture a world corrupted by the dark powers of the demons.
RYAN: <grim> Microsoft had finally taken over.
NASH: I'm seeing Orlando. What next?
>The rune of Gates is the key, the first of m any keys. In Mobius there lies
>many, 27 to be exact,
MARK: And I'm sure Kefka has a sixty-page magnum opus in mind for each
of them.
>that one here on the floating island is just the
>first, it will lead me to the others, once they are gathered, then I shall
>open the unholy gates and my powers shall finally concur this world!"
[Everyone snickers]
>He paus ed to chortle for a moment. "Then your resistance and the Returners
>are GONE, a Holocaust of all who oppose me shall become! MY FINAL
>SOLUTION.... A world of pain and suffering for me to feed on.
SAMANTHA: Sonic sounds amazingly like Hitler.
>A World
>ruled by my fellow Demons, a world where blood wi ll be the lakes, rivers
>and oceans. The Flesh of my victims shall be the ground, the bones the
>trees that shade the darkness. The phlegm of their inner body ours to
>bathe in,
RYAN: [turning a dark shade of green] Oh yuck...
BRET: That's really going to smell after a few days.
>the world of the demons, and I SHALL RULE IT!!"
STEVE: And then while Nagumo cleanses the three worlds, the true Cho-jin
shall gestate for twenty years before being born to make the single new
world!
BRET [smirking]: And exactly how do we *know* this?
STEVE [embarrassed]: Umm... nothing.
>The heroes fell
>back their wea pons out. "Deal with them Enerjak, brings their remains to
>me."
NASH: Yum! Sonic's gonna make some more sausage!
BRET: NASH!
SAMANTHA: I could really go for some sausages right now...
> "Yes sire," Sonic's hologram disappeared and Enerjak picked up his
>staff again. "Are we ready to play?"
> "I was born ready to kick your butt Ener-ass."
[Everyone breaks out laughing]
MARK: Oh, Knuckles! You wit!
NASH: Yeah, that's exactly where he was not too long ago...
>Knuckles lunged at
>him, knocking him to the ground.
STEVE [Schiavone]: Knuckles with the spear, and... JACKHAMMER!!
>Demitri laughed, with a movement of his
>hand Knuckles was thrown back hitting the wall and collapsing to the
>ground.
RYAN: You twit! He did that before and you wind up making the SAME
mistake!
> "Who's next?"
BRET: Are we allowed to do more than one Goldberg joke per MST?
MARK: I don't *think* so...
> "I am," Sonya rose up and waved her blade.
ALL: Hi, blade!
>"blade of Mobius
>please, aid me in destroying this mad man." The blade wiggled a little
NASH: Yeah, baby, just a little more *hand action*...
>and a powerful wave of blue energy slammed into the villain. Mighty and
>Vector fell back, mighty didn't get up but Vector
> did and he screamed out.
ALL: ... this fanfic SUCKS!
> "Big Wave!"
[Everyone does 'the wave']
>The fire ant leaped up to Sonya and screamed for her
>to use dispel.
SAMANTHA: <Sonya> Which spell?
RYAN <Archimedes>: DISPEL! DISPEL!
SAMANTHA: <Sonya> What spell? I still don't see it...
RYAN <Archimedes>: We're gonna die...
> A Tidal wave started to form from a hidden source, Sonya
>screamed out the words, a strange silver glow covered then disappeared,
>the wave went over them with no damage.
SAMANTHA: Sailor Neptune is gonna be pissed that you stole her attack,
Vector.
> "Is that the best you can do?!" Chuckled Sonya. "I've played Final
>Fantasy 3 punks! I know all the spells." They looked at each other
>confused.
ALL: Boo!!!
>"Err never mind, Sonic Boom!"
STEVE: THAT'S FROM STREET FIGHTER!!
RYAN: Somewhere, Guile is pissed...
>A blast of blade made from wind
>came from the blade,
RYAN: <stares at the sentence in awe> Wow... that's on par with a
Ratliff or Thinker sentence...
> they struck Vector and he c ollapsed to the ground.
> "Excellent Sonya, but you trick cannot defeat me with such weak
>attacks"
> "We shall see!! ENERGYBANK!"
BRET <Sonya>: Time to pay your DEPOSIT!
> a small glowing sphere appeared over
>her, "DEATH STRIKE!"
RYAN: FUNKAY-HAMEHA!
SAMANTHA: BIG ASS BLAST!
NASH: I wish *I* had a super power...
BRET: Well, if you make it into the next AAA you might get one. It's
pretty cool, actually.
> Lasers from an unknown force began to attack Enerjak
>but to no avail.
BRET: I don't believe this! Final Fantasy fanboy Kefka has not managed
to use *one* spell from Final Fantasy 3 since Sonya said that!
>"Impossible! FIREWAVE!"
RYAN: SHAKIN' BAKIN' BURST!
BRET: The hell?!
RYAN: <shrugs> I came up with it. It's mine!
> she stabbed the blade into the
>ground, an explosion of fire ripped from there to Enerjak, again no effect
>was made. "Fire 3! Demi! Ice glacier!"
MARK: Please. Glacier never beats anybody.
RYAN: Who wants snow cones? <snickers>
>All attacks were of no avail, she
>had run out of magic points* "It...its impossible how can anyone!"
>
>(*=the Magic power that allows her to cast a spell, the more she cast the
>lower her MP goes. A tip for those non-RPG'ers..:) )
SAMANTHA: <growls> Thank you for that enlightening bit of info, Kefka.
RYAN: I still say MP shouldn't be used in a fanfic. Either that or use a
gameshark and keep it at 9999.
>
> "I am not ANYONE! now SUFFER!! ETERNAL NIGHT!" a wave of black
>mist circled them, Sonya looked around frantically her vision obscure, she
>didn't dare swing her blade around in fear of hitting one of her comrades.
BRET: No! We need to thin out the cast!
>Enerjak struck her from behind, she coll apsed but rose again. "How does
>it feel Sonya? this time there is no escape for you or your lover."
>Another strike and Sonya fell, she heard the crack of a whip and howl of
>pain from Enerjak.
> "Sonya! Stay down!" Screamed Nack, he twirled his whip in
>circles,
SAMANTHA: Nash, don't you *dare* say anything here!
NASH: That's fine. Ryan?
RYAN: <singing> Now whip it... into shape...
NASH: Nice cop out, kid.
RYAN: Hey, I LIKE breathing.
>it hit Enerjak again, he fell back quickly and use his magic to
>try and avoid his attack again. The dark mist began to disappear,
>Knuckles leaped up and tackled Enerjak again, Knux's fa ther helped pin
>him down as well.
STEVE: Too bad gang pins don't count... unless you're the Outsiders.
[Nash suddenly gets very quiet and has a profoundly sad look on his
face]
>Sonya rose with her blade and advanced on him.
> "There is no way to kill him, through physical or magical form,
>and Mental does little....
SAMANTHA: Considering how little a brain he has.
>There is only one way." The fire ant whispered
>to himself. Enerjak roared out at his captors.
> "You....Will...PAY!! ATOMIC BLAST!"
BRET: SHARP SHOT!
STEVE: SCORPION DEATH WAVE!
RYAN: DISCO INFERNO!!
BRET: <stares at Ryan> Three of them? And why do they have such STUPID
names?
RYAN: Oh, *you're* one to talk, 'Sharp Shot'!
BRET [suddenly manifests his pink battle aura]: Say that again. Please.
RYAN: No!
>Sonya started to scream
>feeling her body on fire,
RYAN: She's on fire!
ALL: Boomshackalacka!
> she and the others were flung off, still howling
>in pain because of the immense heat that emitted from Demitri's body.
> "Enough Demitri! Why don't you face me!" Growled Archimides
MARK <Enerjak>: Because you're butt ugly! Next question!
> "Very well fire ant, you have caused me enough trouble as it
>is...Ice block!" Cubes of ice started to fly towards the fire ant, he
>dodged out of the way and looked around.
NASH <Enerjak>: Well, let's see how you like the *shaved* ice!
>Nack recovered first from
>Enerjaks attack, "Nack! Use your whip now!!!!"
RYAN <Nack>: Don't you think this is a bad time to be thinking of
THAT...
> The weas el nodded and
>pulls back the whip. "Knuckles, ....my comrade.... Good-bye...." Nack
>released, it struck Enerjak hard,
STEVE: What, so Nack threw it across the room at him?
>he opened his mouth to let out a
>horrible scream, as planed, Archimides lunged up and screamed out "SELF
>IMPLOSION!"
RYAN: So he's going to collapse in onto himself? And that's to
accomplish what now?
> He entered Enerjak 's mouth and forced himself into his
>throat. Enerjak gagged and tried to cough him up again.
SAMANTHA <Enerjak> Eww! He tastes like Diet Fresca!
> "N...NO!!! Archimides!" screamed Knuckles. Demitri was now
>gagging attempting to rid the fire ant from his gullet. He felt him going
>deeper down his throat, the fire burning strong inside him.
BRET <singing>: You start the fire in me!
>"T...t...t...his...i..s.....n..n....o...t......p...o..s..s....i..b..l..
> ..e..!!....n...n..ot...b..y.. ..a....
>a.....s.i.m.p.le.......f..f.ire.....a..n.t....n...N..o....not......a...
> a.g..a..i..n!!!"
MARK: ...tHe MasTEr wOuLD NoT aPPrOve...
RYAN: Hey Kefka! You need to learn the CORRECT way to do Shatner Talk!
SAMANTHA: Uh oh. Looks like Kefka's keyboard developed some kind of
spasm.
>Hemanaged to choke out, the last words of the fire ant.. . 'Self
>implosion.'
NASH: Yeah, I bet Enerjak's well-schooled in the art of
*self-implosion*...
>came to mind, his body began to burn with the fire ant
>essence, he screamed a scream of pain and horror as all went black and his
>body imploded in on itself.
SAMANTHA: WHOO HOO!!! WE'RE DOWN ONE CHARACTER!!!
BRET: YES!! And it was the rapist, too!
STEVE: It's Miller time!
>
>
>
><Chapter 6: Sorrowful day>
MARK: Actually, I'm feelin' pretty good right now.
>
>
> They did not only gaze at what was left of their enemy, but they
>gazed at a sacrifice made by a close comrade.
NASH: So actually, two characters are dead!
ALL: YAY!!
>Knuckle was in tears,
>however he did not sob, Nack looked on a lump in his throat, Knuckles kin
>lowered his head and walked away.
BRET <Knuckles>: Well, enough of that... anyone for a Cappuccino?
>Sonya just sobbed softly, how she
>didn't really know the fire Ant she knew that he was one of gods most
>humblest creatures.
STEVE: Isn't that 'goddess'?
RYAN: No, *Megami-sama*. I said that before.
>"He was so brave." she whispered.
RYAN: And smart. Death is the only way out of this thing...
SAMANTHA: Blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda... Just end the fanfic,
will ya?
> "He was once an enemy, only to be discovered to be an ally who
>only tried to train me. To prepare for the horrors I would face,
MARK <Knuckles>: ...like this story.
>just as
>you did father." Knuckles turned to his dad. "What shall we do now
>father?"
SAMANTHA: Get busy with Sonya?
> "For now Sonya must join the runes to her blade. Go up to it
>child and press your blade to the rune carved into the wall ." Sonya
>nodded and walked toward it. the rune was a strange shape,
NASH: Strange, yet oddly alluring...
>its sides were
>ridged like that of a Dragons scales, its cente r glew with a green glow,
>she tapped her blade on the rock, an explosion of light filled the cavern,
>when it ended, she held the blade him, the imprint of The rune remained.
SAMANTHA: I wonder if Kefka ever heard of proper spacing in a story.
>"You Sonya now own the gate rune, you have the ability to travel back and
>forth through a warp portal, but there are I'm sure rules to it.
BRET <Father>: I'm sure we can come up with some reason why you can't
use it.
>But for
>now the Floating Islands must be once again freed." He lifted his arms and
>pointed to Vector and Mighty. "Rise and live again with clear thoughts"
STEVE <zombielike>: Must... see... 'Dr. Doolittle'... Huh?
RYAN: Hey, that movie was kinda good. Don't knock it 'till you see it.
>They did just that, Mighty and Vector looked at them confused for a moment
>then the flood of memories filled them. After a brief explanation on what
>happened they made apologies. Now came time for choices.
MARK: Boxers!
>"Knuckles my
>son, we have so much to speak about... but...before this, you must come
> back to the island as the guardian." Sonya's eyes widen.
SAMANTHA: And pop out of her skull.
> "But father I failed you, I let the island collapses." He
>whispered. "I am a failure."
NASH: Pretty much.
RYAN: <Knuckles> (sobbing) OYAJIIIII!!!
BRET: Alright, enough of the Dan thing.
> "No no you are not Knuckles.
SAMANTHA: I take it you're only a failure if you let the Floating Island
get destroyed twice.
>You can help re-build the island to
>its once perfect nature." His father smiled at Knuckles.
> "K...knuckles....We have to get back to Knothole, its been a
>couple of days." She spoke very shakily, feeling those feeling she had so
>long ago.
BRET <Sonya>: Knuckles, the voices are telling me to kill again...
> "Please Stay Sonya." He whispered.
SAMANTHA: *sigh* Here we go. The decision again that will get Sonya
pissed off at Knuckles *again*.
> "No...." She shook her head. "No not again knuckles, you know I
>cant, its either me or this island."
STEVE: Why the *hell* is it so hard for Sonya to just live on the
friggin' island and commute? Is this some kind of 'Girl Power' BS?
SAMANTHA: No, Sonya's just being stupid.
>Knuckles looks back at his father
>then to his comrades, then to Sonya again, he looked down.
MARK <Knuckles>: Um... pass!
> "Then I'm afraid its the island, forgive me Sonya."
RYAN [holds up a hand]: Please guys. It's my turn. (takes in a deep
breath) You complete and utter IDIOT! What the hell is WRONG WITH
YOU?!?! You had the chance to do it all right again and you STILL wound
up jerking her around!! I can't even believe she saw anything in you to
begin with!! You picked the island over her the first time, You left
her when the island 'disintegrated', in fact just what the hell have you
done for her in the first place?!?!
SAMANTHA: Nice rant.
RYAN: <panting> I try...
> "......How could you do this to me, again." Her eyes darkened, and
>slowly started to step away. "How can you make me suffer like this
>again?!" Sonya started to cry, she backed away faster,
NASH <Knuckles>: C'mon, c'mon, just a little bit further and over the
edge...
>"I hate you
>knuckles ! I HATE YOU!" She ran out of the Hidden Pal ace crying.
SAMANTHA: See?
> "NO! Sonya!"
SAMANTHA: <Knuckles voice> You forgot your clothes!
BRET: There's something I don't want to think about...
>
>
>
> * * *
>
>
><just about outside of the Lands end of the Floating Islands Main
>continent, a few hours after the hidden Palace>
STEVE: In Kefka's world, time and space are *literally* the same thing.
>
> "How could he do this to me after all these years..." She spoke to
>her living blade.
MARK: *Gee*, maybe he was *bound* by *duty* to serve an ideal *higher*
than his own personal feelings.
RYAN: I still say he's a bastard.
BRET: Well, he's in a *Kefka* story. He can't help it.
>It shook slightly as it to tell her it didn't know. "I
>mean, I love him, I love him so much, but I've made so many sacrifices to
>find and keep him.
STEVE: Then just stay on the friggin' island!! It's not that hard!
>I cannot lose Sally
> and the others, not my father again, not Miles again. Do you know what I
>mean?" The blade moved in such a way, it pressed against her shirt and
>nudged in a caring way.
SAMANTHA: Ack! Not *this* kind of scene! Anything but that!
BRET: If this goes La Blue Girl, I *am* going to stab myself.
NASH: I'm shocked, Bret! Who would've thought that an uptight jerk like
yourself was actually a pervert deep inside? Tell me, do you prefer the
cartoon or the live action?
BRET [blanching]: Live... action? How the hell...
NASH [grinning]: Very inventive use of plastics and styrofoam.
OTHERS: NASH!!
NASH: What?!
RYAN: <thinks for a moment> Though, you'd have to wonder who would be
insane enough to try for that part...
>She weakly smiled. "Thank you, I'm glad at least
>someone understands." She looked ov er the edge of the island, tears
>started to fall from her.
RYAN: <'Tears'> I can't hold on much longer... AAAAHHH!!
> "Good-bye Knuckles." She whispered, suddenly
>something tackled her from behind gently, she screamed and dropped her
>blade,
MARK: Because that *certainly* wouldn't come in handy while fighting an
attacker!
>she was about to kick it off when Knuckles face appeared.
STEVE: Sonya is haunted by visions of those she has wronged...
> "Sonya I cant live without you, you are my soul and life, forgive
>this stupid Echidna for even considering taking this island over you....I
>will always be with you, no matter what happens." he kissed her deeply, at
>first she didn't respond of the shock o f what he said.
RYAN: <stares at the screen astonished> He wised up?! Kefka... you have
now graduated from "Utter evil" to "Insane writer" in my book...
SAMANTHA: Okay, I'll give Knuckles this: At least he didn't make the
same mistake twice.
BRET: THE HELL?! Samantha, he just screwed over God-knows-how-many
innocent people, perhaps even the *planet itself*, because his
girlfriend is incapable of making a simple damn COMPROMISE!!
SAMANTHA: But he did it for the woman he loves!!! Remember what happened
the last time he did that? The whole island was destroyed and he *still*
lost his lady!
BRET: But she wasn't able to compromise!
SAMANTHA: This is a Kefka story!!! Everyone's too god-damned stupid to
think of something that simple!!!
MARK: All right you two, break it up.
NASH: yeah, you think you two were married or something.
[Samantha and Bret blush big time but no one sees it since the theater
is dark.]
>Finally she
>kissed him back, hungrily, licking his lips whenever she could.
NASH <Sonya>: Tastes like chicken!
> "I forgive you Knuckles, and I will always love you." They laid on
>the ground, the echidna slowly removing Sonya's clothing.
MARK: ARGH!! Cut away, cut away, cut away...
>Her smile welcoming him.
>
><<END OF PART 4>>
MARK: Thank you!!
STEVE: I dunno, at least finally somebody had something not unlike real
sex...
>the saga continues! Now that Sonya and Knuckles got it
>all straight, what about ol' Antoine and Locy?
RYAN: We don't care!
BRET: Well, it wouldn't surprise *me* if Antoine was really gay.
RYAN: Bret... don't even THINK of continuing that thought...
BRET: Oh? And what are you going to do?
RYAN: Well... nothing, but *still*...
>When they head off to
>Dragon Mountain and forest they find a few things that were not on the ol'
>romantic list!
SAMANTHA: Locy finds out that Antoine is a dickless wonder and leaves
him for Tails!
NASH: But isn't he a dickless wonder, too?
>
>~~~Coming Soon~~~~ "Locy: Amazon Princess? Antoine: Virgin
sacrifice?!!?"
MARK: ASADAE: Crappy story?
BRET: <laughs> Virgin sacrifice! KILL HIM!!
>"The Locy & Antoine Saga"
>
>Mecha Sonic.....Giving you none stop action when it comes to stories.
>(Yeah right)
RYAN: Nice to see you agree with us!
>
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~>~~~~~
>~~~~~~~~
>
>CAST OF CHARACTERS. . . .
SAMANTHA: <Stands up> Okay, that's it. I've had it. [goes to leave]
BRET: There's no oxygen out there!
SAMANTHA: Oh. I'll be just fine. Don't worry about me.
BRET: <stands up and grabs her hand> No, don't go! You'll die!
SAMANTHA: <pauses for a moment then sits down> Okay. I don't wanna give
Mcmahon the pleasure of seeing me give up.
BRET: Thank you.
SAMANTHA: <blushes>
>
>Sonic The Hedgehog / The Dark Lord : I don't think Sonic is in a good
>mood.
>
RYAN: Oh sure. If I just lost one of my right hand men, my enemy had
gotten a very key item I needed, and I lost my favorite play thing I'd
have been ecstatic!
BRET: What's your sarcasm level, Ryan?
RYAN: High enough for Kenneth Starr to get it.
SAMANTHA: Wow! I'm not even *at* that level yet. I need to build my
expierence up a bit more.
BRET: <looks at Samantha> You just couldn't resist a Final Fantasy joke,
could you?
SAMANTHA: <smiles and gives her cutest look>
STEVE: Well, I hate to think the 'Hell on Mobius' thing was what he
talked about when he was *happy*...
RYAN: [looks at Steve, then starts waving a shinto ward] I ask thee,
spirits of Ratliff, Gonterman, and Thinker... leave this poor soul...
OUT OUT YOU DEMONS OF STUPIDITY!!
STEVE: That's it. I have to kill you know.
BRET: Back off, Steve. Fish in a barrel. Too easy.
RYAN: Hey!
>Knuckles / Red Claw : Knuckles Finally made a Right decision..
RYAN: Damn straight!
BRET: That's *highly* debatable.
>
>Sonya Sho Eiji / Sonya Sho Robotnik : I don't think she likes blackouts.
NASH: I wonder why?
>
>Enerjak: Good riddance!!!
MARK: For once, we agree with Kefka!
OTHERS: YEAH!
>
>Vector: Anyone care to see more of him?
[Theater is absolutely silent]
>
>Mighty: goes double for him
>
>Knuckles Father: I didn't give him a name cause I think the "Dark legion"
>story Archie is coming up with has his dad in there with a name....
BRET: Just admit you couldn't come up with a video game to rip one off
of, Kefka.
>
>All other Characters are strictly extras in this chapter.
>
STEVE: Read: Expendable.
RYAN: Just give them a red shirt first.
SAMANTHA: Hey... is that finally it?
MARK: We survived?
BRET: Hell, we didn't just *survive*! We beat this fanfic!
[All exeunt, rather triumphantly]
[DOOR SEQUENCE... 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7...]
The brave MiSTiers walked determinedly out of the Theater. Bret immediately ordered
the CPU to contact Titan 13. As the channel opened, everyone crowded
together to make sure they were in frame. Before anyone in T 13 could've
possibly reacted, Bret moved until he was mere inches away form the
screen.
"Yes, WE have something to say this time!" Bret hollered into the
speakers. "And you're going to listen! Ready, guys?"
On cue, Titan 13 was greeted by twelve Stone Cold salutes. Then Ryan,
Nash, and Steve began fitfully crotch-chopping in the background while
Bret began a Nitro-worthy rant. All the while, Samantha stood back and
smiled.
"Yeah, Vince, we're still alive! We made it through BOTH of your little
trivia scenes, and the sex-slash-exposition scene from hell, JUST like
we're gonna make the through the next part of this stupid post!! AND the
next! So, Vinnie Mac, you can take all your gimmicks and kefka-fics,
roll 'em up reaaaal tight, and then SHOVE 'EM!! The SON is still alive
and you can SU..."
He caught himself right before he accidentally uttered his arch-nemesis'
catch phrase. "..er, BITE ME!!" he finished as forcefully as he could.
In Titan 13, a somewhat shocked Rocky Maivia stared back up at them.
"And you get on to *us* for havin' a potty mouth! That was a nice speech
an' all, but the Boss Man is a bit *indisposed* at the moment." With
that, the Rock grinned and pointed a thumb to the now-empty punch bowl.
As if on cue, Vince pirouetted through the background of T 13, singing,
"I feel pretty, oh-so-pretty..."
The Rock simply shrugged back up at a completely stunned SON, and then
hit the button.
BLIP!!!
\ /
\ /
\ /
0
/ \
/ \
/ \
FWWWOOOSSHHH!!!!
RYAN: (off screen) Wow, he can really hit those triple lutzes...
______________________________________________________________
BORING STUFF: I don't feel like typing a lot at the moment, so you can
refer mostly back to earlier MWT posts. 'Neo-Scouts' is an actual Dr.
Thinker story that I'd love to see MiSTed, and is as such property of
Dr. Thinker. ASADAE is, as always, property of Kefka.
ABSOLUTELY NO INSULT is intended toward Kefka the Dark One/Metal Sonic.
I know I razzed pretty bad in this one, but remember, it's all in fun.
And I still love his work and wish him luck in the future!
LYNX'S NOTES: Not too much to say this time, other than that the alcohol
theme may be my was of saying I need a good drink. Thanks to
SwathiHBK@aol.com, the Anarkist, KevinC and Johnny Hellfire for
criticism and support. And, of course, to my talented Co-MSTiers! Oh,
and no... I wasn't making that live-action La Blue Girl thing up. I saw
a copy at the Charlotte Con. *shudder*
JOLT'S NOTES: A live action La Blue Girl movie? Hmm... That would need a
lot of rubber hoses and vaseline... YUCK!! I just grossed myself out!!!
It's been great working with such talented MSTiers! I mean, the
wrestlers are great and Ryan is... well... he's Ryan. Until next time,
may your fanfics be good and your MSTies be funny!
J-BOOGIE'S NOTES: (blinks) You saw a copy at... oh man, now *I* need a
drink. Anyway, I'd like to thank Jolt and Lynxie for letting me in on
this one. It's been pretty fun so far! So, until next part, Jaa na,
minna-san!
E-mail Lynxara: lynxara@hotmail.com
E-mail Jolt: xwing@uniserve.com
E-mail J-Boogie: Wholden535@aol.com
________________________________________________________________________
><<What Company on earth is Sonic the mascot of....?>>
Mystery Wrestling Theater 3000, post 104, round five:
'A sorceror, a demon, and Emeralds' part 5
Original Story by Kefka the Dark One
MSTIED BY: Alicia Ashby, aka Lynxara
CO-MSTIED BY: Jamie Jeans, aka JOLT!!!
CO-MSTIED BY: Justin Golden, aka J-Boogie
Now, on to the show!
________________________________________________________________________
Bret stared at his tall, pale, undead friend in an expression of shock.
"It was WHAT?!"
"A ruse," Mark replied sagely over his morning cappuccino. "A very
elaborate plan designed to make Nash leave Samantha alone based on the
assumption that I was the scariest person on this ship, and that
eventually not even Nash would want to incur my wrath."
Bret blinked, and tried to process this interesting new bit of
information. "That was a really good ruse."
"Not really. It convinced everyone *but* Nash. I'm not sure *why* he
thinks she's a lesbian, but it's just as well. She would've ended up
killing him sooner or later the way things were going."
Bret fiddled with his breakfast spoon, his mind suddenly not on food.
His life had been much simpler when the SON had just been four lonely
guys on a Satellite. Now he had Ryan, being stuck in charge during
Eric's absence, and a seemingly never-ending Sonic the Hedgehog story to
deal with.
And then, of course, there was Samantha, who was a walking bundle of
trouble. He really liked having her around, but putting a single
stunning woman on a ship with a bunch of lonely guys had created all
sorts of problems. Most of them had been finally worked out, but there
were still quite a few he had to deal with himself.
He was jolted out of his impromptu reverie by the incoming post klaxons.
He absent mindedly stuck his cereal bowl in the sink, and then followed
Mark out of the kitchen.
He met up with Steve, Nash, and Ryan on the bridge. Steve and Nash were
pulling a pair of ridiculously futuristic-looking boots out of a box.
"You guys have the gimmick ready?" Bret asked.
"Yep," Steve said a bit proudly. This one had been his idea, and it was
one of their best.
"So who's gonna wear these things?" Ryan asked a bit curiously. He
hadn't been in on the making of the gimmick, so he had no idea what it
did. It looked fun though... he had always liked moon boots.
Mark made a point of glowering at all of them, letting their own
imaginations fill in the horrible consequences of keeping the Lord of
Darkness from fully enjoying his morning dose of caffeine.
Nash and Steve glanced at each other, and then said in unison,
"Pink-boy."
Bret looked skeptically back at them. "Trust me," Nash said
emphatically. "These are perfect for you."
"Whatever," Bret replied as he began lacing the stupid things on. A few
minutes later, the Viewscreen clicked on.
"Greetings, LOD 2000!" Vince beamed at them from Titan 13. He blinked as
he noticed someone missing. "Tell me, where's Sunny?"
Steve shrugged.
Vince looked displeased. "Hmmm... I knew I'd have to deal with that one
sooner or later. Rock, run a search of the Satellite."
"Gotcha, Boss Man," Rock dutifully replied. As Rocky Maivia began the
search, Vince turned back to the SON feed.
"As you know, I've commanded a gimmick exchange for today. So what do
you have, boobies?"
Steve did the talking this time as Nash and Mark helped Bret up. "Well,
you know how a lot of the most popular guys in wrestling have been the
guys who don't do it right? Y'know, guys like Hogan and Warrior... heck,
even our buddy Mark! All wrestlers who have based their entire
characters around no-selling."
Steve moved over to Bret, who was wobbling uncomfortably in the huge,
heavy boots. "It's guys like Fighting Canadian here who all the
*highbrow* wrestling fans like... guys who actually act like they're
getting beaten up."
"Well, that's the *point*," Bret said defensively. Nash and Mark
exchanged a bemused glance at their friend's naivete.
"Well, we came up with a way to train these *talented* guys to not sell
moves, so they can get popular," Steve continued.
"I *am* popular!" Bret shouted.
"Sure you are," Nash said consolingly as he patted Bret's shoulder.
"We call these No-Sell Boots. While wearing them, it makes it completely
impossible for *any* wrestler to sell a move. He can't stagger and he
can't fall down!"
"I can't move my legs!" Bret broke in.
Steve grinned as he finished. "That's the idea. We could make any good,
boring wrestler popular with these... Chris Benoit, Perry Saturn,
Kanyon, even Owen Hart!"
"There's nothing wrong with Owen!" Bret fumed.
"Of course not," Mark said in much the same tone Nash had spoken in
earlier.
"We'll even demonstrate them to you! Pink-boy's one of the best workers
in the business, right? Watch as he gets hit and doesn't budge! Ryan, if
you will?"
"Huh? You want *me* to hit him?"
"Sure," Steve replied.
"Well, it's not like you could hurt me," Bret added a bit hopefully.
"Oh... really?" Ryan walked a few feet away from Bret, and cupped his
hands to his side. "Fun... kay... ha... me... HAAAA!!!!"
Bret woke up on the floor. His feet had stayed on the ground, locked
into position... he had simply fallen backwards from the knees up. It
was a very awkward and painful position, but fortunately he was in too
much pain from the energy blast to notice. Mark's eyes widened a bit as
he looked at a wickedly grinning Ryan. Clearly, there was a bit more to
this kid than they thought.
"Only *you* could manage to screw this up," Steve said bitterly. Nash
snickered as he watched Bret's rather pathetic attempts to get up.
Vince smiled at them through the Viewscreen. "Well, that rather sucked.
But it was funny, so I'll let you live. Now *my* gimmick is a stroke of
genius you're not likely to see again... especially when you consider
who you work for."
"I work for *you*, Vince," Mark futilely tried to remind his boss as he
helped Bret get the No-Sell Boots off. It didn't work, of course.
Vince held up a small round metal sphere. "This is by far the best kept
secret to wrestling success. This orb will give you everything you need
to make a successful federation..."
"Hey, Vinnie Mac! I've got a gimmick for ya!"
"I found her, Boss Man!" the Rock exclaimed at the same time. Vince made
a mental note kill Rocky later, and then turned to face the last member
of the SON family.
Samantha had just walked into the bridge. Since her debacle with Nash
was finally over, she had managed to replicate a normal wardrobe
(currently, some nice jean shorts and a tank top). Of course, that
wasn't the surprising thing about her appearance... it was that she was
taking off an air tank and her skin was literally covered with frost.
"Damn her bra! Damn it straight to hell!" Nash muttered to himself.
"Samantha... what..." Bret began asking.
"I had to go outside for a few minutes," she replied. "And here it is,
McMahon," Samantha said as she began typing commands on the SON's main
control board. "It's well known in all wrestling federations...
revenge!!!"
"Oh, *really*?" McMahon smirked. "Tell me, Marlena, exactly what do you
have?"
Samantha grinned, a dark glint in her eyes. "I call it... ORBITAL
BOMBARDMENT!!! THIS IS FOR PART 4!!! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!"
"But Samantha, we don't *have* weapons on the SON..." Bret pointed out.
"We do now!!!" the redhead shouted joyfully as she pushed a large red
button on the console. A loud rumbling filled the air as the SON began
to vibrate. "Give me rocket Number 9!"
"Holy..." Bret trailed off.
"Sweet Jesus!" Steve exclaimed.
"Where did you *get* that?" Mark asked.
"Cool!" Ryan breathed in awe.
"Hey, that's actually not some bad metalwork," Nash commented.
As the shot of the outside of the SON appeared on the Viewscreen,
everyone saw a huge cannon now affixed to the bottom of the Satellite
angle downwards and gather energy.
"Let 'er rip!" Ryan yelled.
"FIRE!" Samantha shouted.
Vince only had time to look slightly surprised before a wave of crimson
energy slammed into T 13. The feed from Titan 13 abruptly cut off, and
then slowly re-emerged out of static. The underground bunker had been
thoroughly wrecked. The Deus Ex Machina was fine, but there were so many
pieces of ceiling and rubble strewn about that you couldn't even see
the floor. Eventually, the camera picked up the sounds of sobbing. Rocky
was holding his Intercontinental Title in his hands, the gold front
plate somehow ripped off during the explosion.
"It'll be okay, it'll be okay..." he was repeating brokenly to himself.
The SON erupted in cheers. After almost a week of hell, someone had
finally managed to pay the Evil Ones back.
The cheers died down when Vince stalked onto the screen. His suit was
ripped, his face was smudged with soot, and he had an incredibly dark
look on his face. "You *will* pay for this, Chyna," Vince growled at
Samantha. "But first, I'll send you a dose of your regularly scheduled
suffering... ASADAE 5, by my friend and yours, Kefka the Dark One."
Vince was still glaring at them when he pressed the Button.
Ryan gulped nervously. "I don't think that helped things."
Bret, however, was grinning like a madman. "How soon until we can do it
again?"
"Well, it'll be a couple of days, at least," Samantha replied. "The
cannon has to recharge, and..."
The buzzers and lights went off.
"... WE'VE GOT KEFKA SIIIIIIIIIGN!!"
[DOOR SEQUENCE... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...]
[All enter theater and take seats]
>I always paste this beginning from the old first ver of A Sorcerer, A
>Demon, an Emeralds
RYAN: <Kefka> Because I'm lazy.
> (asadae for short)
ALL [chanting, ala Escaflowne]: AAAA-SAAA-DAAAA-EEEE....
>not this time people!
SAMANTHA: Hey, a change! Woohoo!!!
BRET: What? No fishies?
MARK [Sighs]: It looks like our little Kefka is growing up...
>
>Warning: Do to some adult content; readers beware!
RYAN: <spooky voice> Beware... beware...
BRET: The ides of march?
RYAN: <spooky voice> No, sick fanboys who destroy a good show.
SAMANTHA: Your eyes will melt and your skin will boil if overexposed to
this fanfic.
BRET: Didn't you do that before?
SAMANTHA: Hey, it's recyclable.
STEVE: And *we* reuse riffs all the time.
NASH: Why think up a new one when you've got a perfectly good joke lying
around?
>and for those of you
>who don't like my writing please shut up
ALL: NO!
>with the stupid flames (only
>gotten 3 flames out of 64 letters I've received that loved the story!
many
>in which I have become friends with th e writer!)
STEVE [laughs]: *That* bothers you? I've got a friend named Gonterman
you should talk to...
SAMANTHA: Oh god! He's kidding, right? Only *three* flames? Okay,
something's not right here... <pulls out a portable PC from under her
seat>
MARK: What are you doing?
SAMANTHA: Just going to up the amount of flames he's getting...
BRET: <takes PC away> Uh... no...
SAMANTHA: Oh, you're no fun!
BRET: Well, *someone* has to be responsible.
RYAN: It's KEFKA. Flaming him *IS* our responsibility!
>
>A sorcerer, A demon, and Emeralds (PART5) <R&R: Rest And Remembrance>
RYAN: Thanks for the memories...
SAMANTHA: Shouldn't that be rest in peace?
MARK: No, it's... [UT voice] ...REST IN PEACE!!
>Written by: (now is asking to be called) METAL SONIC <or> D.Knight
Sonic
NASH: A bad author by any other name still writes like crap.
BRET: NASH!!
RYAN: I'll dub thee whatever I like, knave! In fact, until further
notice, I'm calling you "Pootsie".
>(FF2 lovers know 'bout the Dark Knight Thing) or if you MUST call me
>"Kefka"
RYAN: How about if I just call you dumbass? It's basically the same.
STEVE: Oh, after all the good times we've shared... you'll always be
Kefka to us.
>Special SPECIAL Co-author for the Sally Flash back is written by:
>Roxane Myers (Roxane3@AOL.com)
RYAN: Co-author? WILLINGLY?!?! I will NOT believe it!
SAMANTHA: Hey Bret, give me that PC back...
>
>Dedicated to: First of all BOOKSHIRE DRAFTWOOD for placing this on the
>coolest web page in the world of Mobius!
MARK: I'd like to point out here that Bookshire's archive is also the
home of such *fine* works as 'Orcium', 'The Newcomer', and the 700 or so
Joseph stories. Thank you.
SAMANTHA: Damn you! Damn you to... Oh, I did that one already.
>Then to Sugar my sweet heart on
>CompuServe,
NASH [snorts contemptuously]: Yeah, I bet Kefka has a lot of *virtual*
girlfriends.
RYAN: Aww, that's so... ah, forget it.
SAMANTHA: Ah-hah! He kisses up so that he can stay online!
>Leo Cristophe for being my best friend on CompuServe,
SAMANTHA: Hey, Kefka has a best friend! I'm amazed!
BRET: Then I'm sure Mark will go after him second.
MARK [growling]: Damn skippy.
>Locy &
>Jai for just taking the time to unde rstand my problems
RYAN: <Locy> You used my name for some genetically engineered misfit who
has the hots for Antoine. Of course I understand... (mutters) That
you're a sicko...
SAMANTHA: And boy, does Kefka have problems!
>and letting me
>help with theirs, and of course. . . MECHASONIC my America On-line
Brother
>who is also my best friend.
STEVE: But I thought Kefka called *himself* Mecha Sonic... man, the
continuity's screwed up and we're not even in the story yet!
SAMANTHA: A brother who is a best friend... I'm confused. Anyone figure
that one out?
RYAN: Nope, and I'm not about to bother trying.
>Mecha ya know I care!
SAMANTHA <Kefka>: Really, I do! I don't *mean* to force you to read my
god awful fanfics but these voices...
BRET: Okay, that's enough flaming the author!
RYAN: Whoa no, there can NEVER be enough of THAT...
>
>Also Dedicated to All the members of KNOTHOLE CITY on America On-line
and
>to the VIDEO GAME CENTRAL on CompuServe.
SAMANTHA: May both systems crash in a horrible blazing inferno!
OTHERS <blandly>: Yay.
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>feedback: Anyone who wishes to comment on my stories can send E-mail to
>the following : SonyaShoR@AOL.Com MetalSonic@AOL.Com
NASH: I think I'll make my comments right here, K-man.
SAMANTHA: This fanfic sucks! No, we did that one to death...
RYAN: Um, your writing actually makes me long for fingernails scratching
against a chalkboard?
OTHERS: (clapping ala Family Feud) Good answer! Good answer!
>
>Note: All Flames will be answered, and all Praises will be thanked.
MARK: Those who recognize my wisdom shall live on in the new world, but
those who question my power shall be crushed.
RYAN <Kefka>: Here, read my story. Alright, all of those who threw it
out at the first page shall be my right hand men.
>If One E-mail address doesn't respond fast enough try the other!
STEVE: Maybe only having *one* address to check would help.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Lawful
>Stuff-only-SEGA's- Lawyers-and-other-company-reps-would-actually-read,
>unless-your-one-of
>those-kids-who's-totally-into-checking-everything-out-cause-if-you-are-try-not-to-flame-
>me-to-
>bad-on-the grammar-errors-thank-you! and-isn't-this-the-longest
>-little-Header-I've-ever-written?
>
RYAN: Nah, that ain't nothing. But save the hyphens for other people,
alright?!
[Nash stands up out of his seat, pulls out a camera, and takes a picture
of the screen]
MARK: What...
NASH: I've never seen anything like that, and I doubt I will again.
SAMANTHA: <rocks back and forth and falls out of the seat> Ohhhh...
BRET: Are you okay? <gets up and helps her back in her seat>
SAMANTHA: <blushes> uh... yeah... That was just... Dr.T wasn't *that*
bad.
>Sonic the Hedgehog, Miles "Tails" Prowers, Dr. Ivo Robotnik,
STEVE: Wolf, Agent Q, Charlton Woodchuck, Skippy the Wonder Weasel...
>Knuckles Echidna, Mecha Sonic, Metal Sonic are Characters
SAMANTHA: Who have been suckered into this horrible fanfic by a contract
clause.
RYAN: Really?
SAMANTHA: Happens to the Senshi all the time.
>created by SEGA, Princess
>Sally, Antoine De'coolette, and all other characters are based on those
>from DIC inc.
MARK: ... who will burn in the everlasting fires of hell for what they
did to Sailor Moon.
BRET: The NA version isn't *that* bad.
SAMANTHA: Just DIC it!
RYAN: I'd be careful saying that around some people... they just might
take you up on our offer.
>Sonya Sho Robotnik/Sony a Sonic Eiji , Locy Hottovy are
NASH: ... probably going to end up as bed fodder for Sonic by the time
this story's over.
RYAN: Or any other evil male in this story..
>characters created by Elizabeth Ramirez & Alex Arellano & Tina Hottovy.
>
>Final Fantasy 3, Kefka, Terra Branford, and many other magical things
STEVE: ... like bedpans, plungers, ball peen hammers, and spackle...
RYAN: What about unicorns and fairies and elves and gnomes?
MARK <childlike>: Square Soft! You can do *stupid* things!
>are based on the characters and items created by SquareSoft inc. All
Hail The
>Greatest Company to make Role Playing Games!
ALL: HAIL, SQUARE SOFT!
SAMANTHA: Well at least we agree with him on that.
RYAN: Though, I must go on record and say that the ending to FF7 blows.
Thank you.
>
>Suikoden's Runes are trademark (I'm sure) of Konami
BRET: And they've been horribly misused (I'm sure) by Kefka.
>
>1) No one can use the Characters Elizabeth Ramirez,
RYAN: Oh darn, and I was just about to write an epic using that name...
SAMANTHA: Bring on Sean Connery! Get a good actor in here!
>Locy Hottovy or Alex
>Arellano created without written permission to the author.
NASH: Yeah, they just had to beat the Archie people off with a stick to
keep 'em out of their little 'corporate' comic book line.
>2) This file
>is not to be placed upon a Web site or On-line Service without written
>approval from the authors 3) If you don't' like how I changed the
>characters then don't read the story!
RYAN: We don't have a choice!
> One such flame said something about
>Sonic being totally out of character
RYAN: (ala Ace Ventura) A-re-he-he-healy?
STEVE: IMAGINE THAT!!
>and I should have left him the cute
>cuddly lovable Hedgehog!
RYAN: Er, I never classified him as cuddly or cute. Cool in a kind of
kickass way, yeah. But NOT cute.
> what a spud!
BRET: 'Spud?' Exactly *who* here has written a 300+ page Dark Sonic
Lemon?
SAMANTHA: Hey Kefka, if you can't take criticism well, then don't put
your stuff on the web!
MARK: Preach on, sister!
> 4) did you know it took me 3 days to
>write this complete Story?
RYAN: Which three days? I'm sure I can find somebody with a time machine
SOMEWHERE...
SAMANTHA: Three days? I would have thought that it took him about three
*hours* to write this story.
NASH: Did you know it'll take me about three years of therapy to get
over it?
>where it took me part 4 a month and a half? is
>it stress related? more stress = faster writer?
STEVE: Kefka, I hope you have the most calming, peaceful life
imaginable.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Brief summery:
SAMANTHA: Okay... <takes a deep breath> Well me Mark and Nash were
brought up here by an exploding plot device while two other guys were
shot off into time and space and then we were all shown this bad fanfic
series that has a dark Sonic raping and killing people and then Bret
snapped followed by us nearly snapping and then Bret nearly snapped
again and we had this huge argument and then we had a gimmick exchange
followed by this horrible fanfic! <begins to gasp for air>
[Others applaud]
RYAN: Um... was I in there somewhere?
SAMANTHA: Oh yeah. And there's this kid named Ryan here as well.
RYAN: <sarcastic voice> Thank you...
>All The
>heroes are finally back from their adventures
BRET: ... in babysitting?
>and Tails decides to make a small camping trip.
RYAN <Tails>: I can't STAND any of you anymore! I'm going camping.
Goodbye!
>Bringing along everyone for R&R.
NASH: Ripe & Raunchy?
STEVE: Rescue & Rangers?
RYAN: Ripping & Roaring?
SAMANTHA: Rough & Ready?
BRET: Rocco & Rock?
MARK: Rice & Roni?
>However things start
>to slide down memory lane and horrible past stories are soon told.
RYAN: Oh, now you're giving me goosebumps...
BRET: Ryan, no using trademarked names.
SAMANTHA: Oh no! We've gotta relive the past four chapters!!!
STEVE: Leave it to Kefka to do a clip show fanfic.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Authors Note: Some
>of
>you are probably wondering "hey where's that Locy & Antoine story he
was
>talking about!?"
RYAN: If I ever find anybody who's wondering that, I shall smite them.
NASH: No. I'm wondering how many Playboy models I could fit into my bed
at one time.
BRET: Nash...
NASH: Look, that's a legitimate concern for me.
RYAN: Yeah, it depends on how many pages each issue has. Though I have
to wonder about the papercuts...
NASH: Look, you little punk, you want a powerbomb too?
RYAN: (holds up his glowing hands) Do you feel lucky?
NASH: Hey! He can't threaten me back!
BRET: Yes, he can.
NASH: But I'm bigger than him!
BRET: Sorry, power moves trump size.
>well hate to tell you but it's been canceled due to lack
>of idea's and sadly hole plots the size of the grand canyon.
MARK: Oh, come on, Kefka! You've never let that stop you before!
>The Robotnik and Mecha o ne was also canceled.
RYAN: Yes! Now if only the rest of this damn thing could get canceled...
SAMANTHA: I'm not sure whether to cry or cheer...
>
><a crowd cries out:> "Kill the author!!!"
STEVE: NO!! Kefka's telepathic! He can read our thoughts!
SAMANTHA: YES! KILL THE AUTHOR!!! KILL HIM DEAD! KILL HIM UNTIL HE
DIES!!! <B-ko voice> BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!
RYAN: Oooh! You do that so well!
>
>No no wait! I've done something better!
RYAN: We can just torture you? That's not bad...
>(I hope) instead I placed small
>parts of their old stories into THIS one. If any of you are familiar
with
>"Independence Day" or ID4 then you will see this format of my writing
is
>different.
BRET: Oh, okay... huh?
>Jumping from One story to another! each told by every
>character.
NASH: Somewhere, Quentin Tarantino is crying.
SAMANTHA: Oh yeah, get your ideas from a movie where the Aliens are
beaten by the Amercians and there's no mention of Canada whatsoever!
*HMPF!*
BRET: Really! Oh, let's screw Toronto and Calgary so we can show more
scenes of *Los Angeles* biting it!
SAMANTHA: Like that wouldn't be an improvement...
BRET: Yeah, and why is it that the aliens only concentrate on conquering
the US, too?
[Mark abruptly hurls lightning bolts at both of them]
MARK [sighs]: I knew this would start once Bret got around one of his
own.
SAMANTHA & BRET: [slightly smoking] Ouch.
>
>"hmm Sounds cool but were still gonna kill ya!"
RYAN: And I'm gonna help them!
>
>Why?
RYAN: Does the fact you wrote a lovable mascot as a sadistic
rapist/murderer who doesn't give a jack shit about his friends ring a
bell?
>
>"Cause your Grammar sucks!"
SAMANTHA: *sniff* <wipes away a tear> Finally, Justice is gonna be
served! I feel so happy!
NASH: I feel kinda proud of him... coming and joining us in reality...
>
>That's another thing! I've been working on the grammar a bit, it isn't
>much but hey! what do you want! I go to school in LOS ANGELES!
BRET: SEE?!
MARK: I don't *want* to kill you, Bret...
>(and for
>those who live there if you take that as an offense then try going to
>Roosevelt High, place of lower education e rr I mean HIGHER education)
STEVE <stoner>: Yeah, 'High'! [laughs]
>
>"Were STILL going to kill you!"
>
>now why?
NASH: Because violence is the best way to solve problems. Don't you
watch wrestling?
RYAN: Because we feel like it. Just like you felt like writing this
story...
>
>"Cause you talk to much!"
RYAN: (singing) And you never shut up!
SAMANTHA: NO!!! NO!!! KILL HIM!!! GET IT DONE NOW!!! <breaks down into
tears>
BRET: There there... everything will be fine.
>
>Oh yeah well, *sigh* On with the story!!
SAMANTHA: Hey! You stole Jamie's opening line!
MARK: I'd watch the fourth wall... we don't want another trivia scene to
erupt here.
>
>
>
>A Sorcerer, A Demon, And Emeralds Part 5: R&R: Rest and Remembrance
STEVE: ... Part 2: The Next Generation.
RYAN: What, no Electric Boogaloo?
>
>Chapter 1: Dusk's wonders
BRET: -- just how many more chapters there is of this fodder.
>
>
> The roaring
RYAN: Oooh, where's the lion? Where's the lion?! He can eat the group!
> campfire
RYAN: Damn.
>lit up the small camping ground where the
>Freedom Fighters dwelled.
SAMANTHA: Unfortunately, the fire got out of control and burned them all
and the Great Forest to a cinder. The End.
RYAN: I got dibs on the legs! I love a good barbecue...
>After about, a week away from each other, they
>had finally united again.
NASH: Let our powers combine!
STEVE: Earth!
BRET: Fire!
MARK: Wind!
RYAN: Water!
SAMANTHA: Heart!
ALL: I am... CAPTAIN PLANET!
>In addition they each had a story to tell of
>their little 'vacation' all around Mobius. T ails ordered this little
>camp out for recreational purposes and perhaps just to catch up on what
>they learned.
SAMANTHA: What the...?!?! The world has gone to hell in a handbasket and
there are still parks open?
NASH: Yeah. The only thing they really have to watch out for are the
budget battles in Sonotropolis.
>Tails had also gotten permission from the doctor to allow
>Princess Sally to come with them for the nights.
STEVE <Doctor>: You want to take my patient who has multiple bruises and
contusions all over her body and probably needs years of therapy to
repair her fragile mind out of the hospital and into the woods where she
can contract all sorts of diseases. Hmm, alright, I see nothing wrong
with that.
>It was better if she did
>anyway -- maybe being around some friends will help snap her back
RYAN: Her friends aren't licensed chiropractors!
SAMANTHA: *SNAP*
BRET <Sally>: AHHH!!! My back!
>to her
>old loving self.
RYAN: I believe after years of rape and torture, it's gonna take a bit
more than THAT...
> It was around ten o'clock; the night sky was at its peak.
RYAN: Twin peaks?
BRET: Might explain everything that's happening...
MARK <stoner>: I'm peakin', man!
>The once dense Great Forest had thinned out so badly since the third
fall.
RYAN: Yeah, ya gotta hate those seasons...
NASH: A little Rogaine could take care of that.
>Robotnik had been the first fall, Snively was the second and Sonic was
the
>third. The forest's standing timber had be come plagued by toxic waste
>drunk from the polluted soil around them.
SAMANTHA <Trees>: I'm not drunkish... I'm jush a little tipsy...
RYAN: (singing) How dry I am...
>Outer trees were old, dried,
>and dead, but those in the middle --
STEVE: ... were obnoxious and constantly sought to be the center of
attention.
>spared from the toxic still had grown
>green and lush. This was where this camping ground was.
RYAN: Oh yeah, I'm sure their first thought was to camp in the toxic
waste riddled trees... <Tails> The glowing water means it's got added
nutrients that's good for you!
> Miles slept in
>his ten t with Sally by his side; they both held each other in their
arms,
SAMANTHA: And nothing more than that... right?
>Sally held him extremely close and tight,
BRET <Tails>: Can't... breathe...
>any movement he made she would
>feel. Miles woke up; giving off a huge yawn,
MARK: He raffled it away for charity.
RYAN: Whoa! We moved to that scene pretty quickly!
>then stretched and looked at
>Sally, who was now just waking. "Hello S unshine." Said Tails.
RYAN <singing>: You are my sunshine... my only sunshine...
ALL <singing>: You make me happy... when skies are grey...
NASH <Sally>: Oh? And exactly who is this 'Sunshine'?
>"Its time
>to get up for the campfire gathering as planned; are you up to it?"
> "Miles." She replied happily and hugged him.
SAMANTHA: A simple yes or no answer would suffice.
STEVE <babyish>: My binky! Yay!
> "Then let's away, I'm sure they are waiting"
BRET: Come! Let's away, and live to fight another day!
>
>
>
> * * *
>
>
> Chili dogs all around the camp,
SAMANTHA <Tails>: Oh no! Don't go near the...
RYAN: <imitates a fart, then a nuclear explosion>
SAMANTHA <Tails>: fire...
>well except for Princess Sally;
>she had something more needed for her condition --
MARK: A new writer?
>a thick bowl of herb soup which Miles fed to her slowly.
SAMANTHA: Ack!!! It's another five hour, overly detailed scene between
Sally and Tails!
>The Conversation began as slowly as
NASH: ... the story?
STEVE: How can you say that when there's all those thrill-a-minute
headers?
>the feeding. "Tell me Antoine, how did the t rip to Dragon Mountain
>begin?"
SAMANTHA <Antoine> Well first we got lost and then the map got all
stained from the fast food we had bought earlier...
RYAN: <Antoine> Then we got the snot beat out of us by these two humans.
Just what does Shou-ryuu-ken mean anyway? Hah! Get it?! Rising Dragon
Punch? Dragon
Mountain?... ah, forget it.
> "Well it was . . .
BRET <Antoine>: ... pretty stupid, actually.
>different. Locy Should be returning from her
>coronation tonight.
SAMANTHA: Coronation? Does that mean she married Antoine? Poor girl.
MARK: The only way she could be coronated anything is to marry Sally or
Sonic, neither of which are very appealing concepts.
>When Locy reaches Knothole village they should tell
>her we are here."
> "Well, why don't you speak about the trip?" Miles held Sally in his
>lap, his cape around her; protecting her from any breeze of wind.
RYAN: Wow, he must be overprotective to keep away the WIND from her...
NASH: Why doesn't he just hermetically seal her in a bubble?
> "Well, like I said in my report,
RYAN: Titled "What I did for my insipid vacation, by Antoine."
> we reached the mountain but
>decided to go into the forest for a while . . ."
STEVE: If you know what I mean!
>
><< Antoine and Locy had arrived at Dragon Mountain ahead of time.
SAMANTHA: A good thing considering how sold out the show was.
>This
>was good considering that it was almost night; one didn't want to be
alone
>in the dark nights near Dragon Mountain.
RYAN [sighs]: Well, no one *wants* to be alone at night, it just
happens.
>Both had decided it was best to
>take camp in the forest just a few
> blocks away --
SAMANTHA: 'A few blocks away?' Is Dragon Mountain a city or something?
>Setting up camp was quick; no care, nor worries.
RYAN: Or a single luxury.
SAMANTHA: ... at least until the bears smelled the food and came
running.
>At the
>moment they were safe and happy. "Well Locy, camps set and I am not
>really sleepy." Antoine grinned slightly.
[All stare at screen in horror]
NASH: No! No! I'm not watching this!
STEVE: God, why does *Antoine* have to score?
> "Oh? Are you expecting me to help cure that?" She smiled at him;
>edging closer to him.
SAMANTHA: Oh well, might as well get strapped in for this...
> "It would be very nice Locy, if you did." They embraced; touching
>each other under the clothing, Antoine began to slip her shirt away
when-- >>
MARK: Ugh. This is like reading a Wesley Crusher lemon scene.
BRET [horrified]: If this goes any farther, I'll never be able to have
sex again.
>
> "Yeow!! Are you suppose to be telling me this part 'twan?" Giggled
>Tails.
SAMANTHA: Looks like Tails has been drinking the same stuff the trees
have.
GUYS: THANK YOU!
> "Don't be like that; we didn't have time to do anything --
>something attacked us.
NASH <something>: I will stop this foul almost-lemon scene!
>The next thing I remembered I became confined in a
>huge cage --"
SAMANTHA: ... and dipped into a pool of molten gold.
[Steve sighs blissfully]
>
><< Antoine woke up with a serious mind pounding headache -- not only
that,
>but he had a pain on his arm;
STEVE <Antoine>: EWWW! Get it off! Get it off!!!
>Dulcy the dragon was gnawing on his shirt
RYAN: <Dulcy> I need more fiber in my diet.
>trying to awaken him. "It's about time 'Twan!" She whispered.
> "Dulcy?! It's you! How is that possible?"
SAMANTHA: Who's that? <points at Dulcy>
BRET: She's this dragon that they put into the second season of the
cartoon.
> "I don't have time to explain Antoine. I need to get you out of
>here before . . ." Dulcy couldn't finish her sentence; for Sonic the
>hedgehog entered, a grin as wide as the moon on his face. Dulcy bowed
her
>head to him and nuzzled him on the crotch.
RYAN: Gack... stomach... revolting... must... keep... down... lunch...
SAMANTHA: And then dug her teeth in, being sure not to let go.
>So nic patted her on the head,
>shivering slightly as he felt her hot breath on his erection.
MARK: This is what I love about Kefka. You think he's done it all, and
then he throws in a little bestiality to surprise us.
STEVE: Hasn't everything in this story been bestiality?
MARK: Well, Dulcy isn't anthropomorphic. That means buggering, and
*that's* bestiality. The rest is debatable.
RYAN: NOOOO!!! It's Artemis' Lover revisited!!
BRET [having turned a lovely shade of green]: Guys, can we quit talking
about this?
>He made a mental note to 'ride' her later.
SAMANTHA: <hums the Bonanza Theme>
RYAN <Sonic>: Must remember riding crop for later...
NASH: I hear Dulcy's the number one roller coaster at Six Flags Over
Mobius.
>Dulcy relived herself from duty
ALL: EW!
>and walked out of the tent; she looked back at Antoine with an
apologetic
>look.
> "Well, well Antoine, it seems your in a might bit of trouble."
STEVE <Dulcy>: Oi'm sudd'nly Cockney!
> "What did you do with Locy you bastard?!"
SAMANTHA: Maybe he killed her. Get it? Because he said 'you bastard'?
Come on, it's funny. LAUGH! LAUGH, DAMMIT! Please? [sobs]
BRET: It's okay. You tried.
> "She's safe for the time being. I just had my fun with her;
MARK <sinister>: We played Connect Four.
>nothing to strong on the poor girl."
> "I swear I'll make you pay for this Sonic."
SAMANTHA <Sonic> Yeah yeah yeah... Just wait while I get my Visa, okay?
> "I doubt that, for now you have to many problems to deal with as it
>is. It seems the natives think you kidnapped their loving princess.
NASH <Sonic>: And the mushroom folk are a *vengeful* people.
>She had been gone so long and changed so much, plus she can't remember
>anything. YOU have her under YOUR control Ant oine, now I demand you
>release her."
STEVE: The hell?! Did Kefka just spazz out and start writing another
story?
> "I don't know what your talking about!"
SAMANTHA: And frankly, neither do we.
RYAN: Nor do we care.
> "You don't know to much about Locy eh?
BRET <Sonic>: Her real name is Emily Sompthwottom, and she lives in
Pasadena Texas with her husband Joe.
>Heh, she is very special.
>She is Sara the Princess of the Dragon Amazons in this Forest"
Antoine's
>mouth dropped open.
MARK <Antoine>: Damn! When Kefka ret-cons, he really ret-cons!
>"Yes I know, difficult to believe but she is. She
>was quite a wreck after I raped her those years ago -- but she's well
and
>I'm pleased she's served my purposes." >>
RYAN: Rape... of course... (stands up, walks over to the wall and starts
beating his head against it)
NASH: Irritating semi-self-insertion? Yup, she has that covered.
SAMANTHA: Um... should we stop him, or something?
BRET: Eh. He'll be fine.
>
>
> "What happened after Antoine?" Asked Sonya.
STEVE: Umm... the same kind of stuff that happened before Antoine, I
guess.
>Antoine had obviously
>gotten her full attention with his tale.
SAMANTHA: After he offered them some money, that is.
> "Well, when he left me to think about what happened, Dulcy came and
>saved me. She unlatched my cage and told me the full scheme; Sonic
>planned to use his magical clone of Locy and have her marry him.
BRET <Antoine>: Of course, the natives weren't stupid, so it never
worked.
>Thus he
>gains control of the strongest group in that
> sector, she also spoke of runes."
MARK: Ah, so she knows when to go to the Lonely Mountain in order to get
the secret door open.
>Sonya's eyes widen. "Anyway, I waited
>my time, when the wedding was about to take place when I attacked Sonic
.. ."
SAMANTHA: Yes! Antoine is gonna get killed!
BRET: Then how is he telling this story?
SAMANTHA: Oh yeah. Good point.
>
> << Blood dribbled down Antoine's deep wounds; the hedgehog thrilled
>to the taste of Antoine's gore.
GUYS: KILL ANTOINE!! KILL ANTOINE!
>As strong as Tony was with his blade
[All snicker]
NASH: Sure, Kefka. Now tell us about how *cool* Antoine is.
>he could not outmatch Sonic's magic. A fire burned Antoine's face;
SAMANTHA: <smacks lips> Mmmm-mmm! Man, I could go for some BBQ Antoine
about now.
RYAN: (stumbles back over and plops into his seat) Dibs on the
drumsticks...
>It was
>weak magic. He knew Sonic was holding bac k; wanting to prolong his
>suffering.
STEVE: Just kill him now, Sonic, or you'll never get it done.
>"Give up sorcerer! your no longer the mighty fiend you were
>with your magic!" Sonic roared in his most heroic voice.
MARK: I don't even *want* to know what's going on now.
SAMANTHA: I am Sonic, hear me roar.
> "You are the fiend Sonic!" He lunged at him; their blades
>connecting with sparks.
SAMANTHA: Cool! Just like in the fight scene in Hook!
MARK: Really?
SAMANTHA: Uh, no.
>Sonic pulled back; then threw him over his
>shoulders,
BRET <announcer>: And it's Sonic the Hedgehog with a fallaway slam!
>he left his blade positioned to rest on Antoine's throat.
GUYS: KILL ANTOINE! KILL ANTOINE!
>A small grinned crossed his face when blood began to cover ed the
heroic
>foxes face.
SAMANTHA: Which is kinda impossible considering that Sonic's sword is at
Atoine's throat. It makes no sense really!
> "And now you die like your friend at Knothole soon will . . ." He
>rose his blade and prepare the final painful blow when suddenly
NASH: ... Stuff happened! People died!
> "Enough! leave my lover to be!"
SAMANTHA: <Sonic voice> And who might that be?
>They all turned to see two Locy's;
>one with a blade in her hand --
STEVE: Wesley Snipes?
>another with the first ones blade in her
>stomach. "Sonic you've tortured me since the day you raped and
kidnapped
>me,
MARK <Sonic>: Well, yeah. That's pretty much what I do.
>I wont let you harm the one I love!"
SAMANTHA <Sonic>: Could you please tell me who it is? I'm getting
confused here.
> The villagers awed at the second Locy's appearance.
ALL: Awwww!!
> "Daughter, can it truly be you?"
> "Yes mother, I was in the meadow when something attacked me and
>raped me. That something is THAT HEDGEHOG OVER THERE!" She pointed to
>Sonic.
SAMANTHA <Tenchi>: Hey look! What's that outside the window?!
> "Amazonians surround!"
BRET: So I bet she's got Wonder Woman and Chyna and those meteorite
Senshi and Sailor Jupiter...
RYAN: Don't forget the whole Joketsuzoku clan as backup!
>Within moment Sonic became surrounded, he
>colorfully expressed his feelings with a vulgar word used when someone
>mates.
SAMANTHA: At least he never said *BLEEP*. Hey, the censor is back!
NASH: Ain't that a *BLEEP*?
>Not paying attention to Antoine; knowing the time was right, he
>rose;
STEVE: Great, now Tux-boy is here. Maybe Sonic will kill him.
>picked up his blade and stabbed it thro ugh Sonic's stomach.
[A massive cheer erupts in the theater]
SAMANTHA: All right! Sonic's dead! It's Molson time!
>The hedgehog howled angrily and backhanded him.
[The cheers quickly turn to groans]
> "Don't even consider you've won." Sonic removed a black rune shaped
>like a dragon from around his neck. "Black Wing! Come to your master!"
RYAN: <Sonic> Messatsu Gou Ryuu no Pawaa!
BRET: Ooh, a black dragon... how many hit dice do those have?
MARK: Lemme check the Manual... it says twelve, base.
>The winds grew cold when this enormous Black and purple dragon
appeared,
>Sonic leaped upon it's back. "I will de stroy all of you!" With that
it
>flew away. >>
SAMANTHA: Unfortunately, it left without Sonic and he had to walk back.
>
>
> "So you saved the village right? and everyone lived happily ever
>after."
NASH: Let's go! [stands up]
BRET: No.
NASH: God dammit. [sits down]
>Tails smiled happily -- until realizing Antoine wasn't grinning.
> "No, Sonic was true to his words . . ."
STEVE <Antoine>: He sent Ratliff after us! We were destoryed
mercilessly!
> << After the long celebration from the Amazons, they headed home.
>"Well Locy, you met your family -- told you this would be a great
trip!"
SAMANTHA: Oh yeah, she got kidnapped, replaced with a clone, raped, and
had to admit to everyone that she loved Antoine. Yeah, a dream vacation.
> "It was different Tony, but enjoyable nonetheless"
NASH: No, the trip, Locy, not the sex.
SAMANTHA <Antoine>: Which will all be explained in painstaking detail!
>They stopped to
>give each other a long kiss; which turned into hands wandering; which
>turned into attempting to remove clothing.
RYAN: Please don't go further... please don't go further...
MARK: Sadly, Antoine had no idea how buttons worked.
SAMANTHA: *RIP* <Locy voice> Aw geez! I gotta wear this later Antoine.
>However, again it never got
>that far as a shadow above blocked the sun lo ng enough to make them
look
>up.
BRET: Accidentally looking directly into the eclipse, they were both
blinded for life.
>Both gasped; it was Sonic riding the Black Wing dragon.
> "Sonic the Hedgehog never goes back on his word; prepare to die!"
RYAN <Sonic>: Bakusai Tenket-- oh wait, wrong show. Dragon Fire!
STEVE <random peasant>: Okay, let me tie my shoe first.
>He held up the dark Dragon Rune and the massive drake inhaled.
NASH: 'Drake'? When did this become a Darkwing Duck crossover?
BRET: *You* watched that show?
NASH: Yeah! That Morgana was one sweet piece of ass!
RYAN: [looks at Nash in disgust] That's sick...
NASH: What did you expect?
SAMANTHA: Definitely not a sick comment about a Disney character.
>It followed by a scream from Sonic, then the creature let out an
inferno of
>magical fire. "Yes!! YES!! Burn and Die! Let me
> inhaled the bitters sweet aroma of burning flesh and fur!"
RYAN: Oh yeah, I'm sure that's a wicked buzz.
SAMANTHA: Sonic sure has some weird tastes.
>He cackled as
>screams filled the blazing forest. Within moments the forest was
nothing
>but burned bark and ashes.
MARK: Only you can prevent forest fires.
> "No! Mother!" Locy screamed; running into the devastate area. Only
>one solitary soul remained alive. Antoine followed her and gasped in
>horror as a valley of burn corpse laid along the once mighty woodland.
STEVE: I hear Burned Corpse Valley is really nice this time of year.
>"Mother, speak to me mother."
SAMANTHA <Mother>: I'm a little busy rolling about and screaming right
now.
> "My child," the fox whispered, "know that I love you, and pray you
>may gain knowledge of out demise." The women rasped.
SAMANTHA: So Locy has several mothers... Hang on! I thought Locy was
created, not conceived!
BRET [sigh]: There's no point in trying to make sense of this anymore.
It's Kefka's world, and he's gonna ret-con it at random if he wants to.
RYAN: One thing's bothering me... what exactly is ret-con?
BRET: 'Retro-active' continuity... when a writer creates an event and
then tries to change it later. It's single-handedly responsible both for
making the X-Men suck and the Flash really cool.
>Antoine gazed at her
>burned body -- over ninety percent completely burnt,
NASH: Great, all but the ten percent that's making this damn speech.
>how she is alive
>right now was unnatural. "Please Sara, da wn
RYAN: Tis... the dawn of... existence...
> my armor of the Dragoon, it
>lays in the shamble that was my hut. Take this with you, the rune of
the
>Dragons, go to the shrine on Dragon Mountain you will know when to use
it
>. . . good-bye daughter." >>
MARK: So Locy can use the Jump attack now and is going to turn on Cecil,
I gather.
SAMANTHA: Could you just leave Final Fantasy 2 alone, Kefka?
>
>
> "Oh, how sad." Sonya whispered, trying hard to keep from crying.
STEVE <Sonya>: It's so sad that your mother burned to death. It's
*almost* enough to make me shed a tear.
> "Yes, Locy took it badly at first;
BRET: YOU THINK?!
>then she vowed revenge. From
>there she told me to return to Knothole and she will catch up when her
>ordeal on the mountain is done.
SAMANTHA: Ah, yes! Vowing revenge and living a life of vengeance
certainly does help to clear up the psyche!
> "It sounds as if your vacation would have done better without
>incident.
NASH <Antoine>: Yeah, I might've gotten a little bit more out of it
without the slaughter.
>How was your trip to the Little Planet Lunarus?"
SAMANTHA: So Antoine went out into Outer Space as well?
>
>
>Chapter 2
MARK: Sonic the Hedgehog: The Quickening.
RYAN: I WISH somebody *would* lop off his head!
SAMANTHA: <darkly> With a really old and rusty blade...
>
>
> Robotnik took a large breath then exhaled tiredly. "Well, it had
>many things -- one included a trip down memory lane and a chance to
change
>everything.
STEVE <cheesy announcer voice>: All this and more, on 'Robotnik's Road
Trip!'
>All the mistakes I had done in the past . . ."
SAMANTHA: Like not getting rid of Sonic when you could.
>
>
> << "But doctor Robotnik! I want to go cruise down Stardust
Speedway."
>Mecha looked up at Robotnik, while he pled his case.
BRET <Mecha Sonic>: Your honor, my client...
>Robotnik looked down
>at him and snarled; his wolf fangs bared a tad.
SAMANTHA <MechaSonic>: Hey Doc, you might wanna brush. Teeth are
starting to get a bit yellow there.
> "We went through this before, we have gone to the past to go and
>get those materials then head home.
NASH: ... the bedpans and plungers and ball peen hammers and spackle...
RYAN: Does it always have to be bedpans and plungers and ball peen
hammers and spackle?
NASH: Sure, ever hear of a running gag?
RYAN: Just don't run it into the ground.
BRET: Dammit, Ryan, we're going to end up with one of those *people* in
here again...
>The fate of Knothole rest on this if
>the generators and air pumps fail."
SAMANTHA: No, you wouldn't have to worry about that if you just sent
Mecha. He doesn't need to breathe, since he's a robot, remember?
> "Yeah I know, but I still wanna jam high on the highway."
MARK: The highway to *hell*, hopefully.
>Lunarus smiled slightly; he was about to comment when suddenly
something blue
>shot in front of them.
STEVE: Along with something new, something old, and something borrowed.
>Sonic paused for a moment to smile and greet them.
> "Yo! Name's Sonic the Hedgehog,
NASH <Scott Hall>: And I'm here to take a little *survey*....
[The other wrestlers immediately begin throwing stuff at Nash]
NASH: Ow! What?!
>better warn you natives that
>Robuttnik is heading this way with his Mecha-moron Metal Sonic!
>Gotta ghost Eep!
BRET [suddenly stands, and whips a piece of paper out of his jacket]:
AKU! RYO! TAI! SAN! Spirits of nonsensical grammar, I banish you!!
MARK: You know that's not going to work.
BRET: No, but it's fun.
SAMANTHA [thoughtful]: You *really* like Sailor Moon, don't you?
STEVE: The boy's signature color is *hot pink*! What do you expect?
BRET: Shut up! Sailor Moon is a *fine* show!
>The bot's already here!" Sonic tackled Mecha who easily threw
>him off. Sonic fell on his tail but quickly recov ered. "Yo Metal
Moron!
>come and get me!" He bolted.
SAMANTHA: This has all the gripping action of that bar fight from
Hobgoblins.
> "Don't Mecha, this is now part of the time string."
NASH: A badly frayed time string.
>Robotnik replied.
> "Eh? what are you saying doc?"
> "I mean if you kill Sonic our time is altered, try not to get
>involved in any of the past."
MARK: Ah, foreshadowing... clumsy and brick-like.
>Mecha nodded and sighed. Before another
>word could pass Lunarus' lips, 'Robotnik' shot by on his hovercraft
>Cursing at the hedgehog; followed by METAL Sonic. >>
>
>
>
> "Wait wait wait, METAL Sonic? MECHA Sonic? what's the difference?"
STEVE: You got metal in my Mecha Sonic!
BRET: You got mecha in my Metal Sonic!
MARK: Boys, boys... they're two great tastes that go great together!
>Asked Miles. He slowly shifted so Sally would be more comfortable on
his
>lap.
SAMANTHA <Tails> Okay... further... further... Stop! Just right!
> "Metal sonic is my younger brother." Replied Mecha Sonic with a sad
>expression, he fought back the urge to cry.
SAMANTHA: Never minding the fact that robots don't cry.
NASH: And how the hell could he have a brother?
> "I didn't know you build him a brother." Whispered Sonya.
> "It was meant never to be discovered. Basically Metal is Mecha's
>replacement,
STEVE: And a shameless rip-off of Lore from TNG, who was a pretty damn
stupid idea to begin with.
>however the unit turned out to be very -- strange and failed
>quite a bit."
SAMANTHA: You ever think of checking the oil every once in a while?
> "I love my brother Metal, he's family to me; considering he was
>built from the same program as me."
RYAN: I can't take much more of this... the inconsistencies... the utter
CRAP quality of this...
>
>
><< "Metal!" Screamed Mecha, he was about to bolt after him when Lunarus
>grabbed his hand.
BRET <Mecha>: Hey, I need that!
> "Enough! you know you can't alter time!" He screeched.
> "I don't care!
MARK <Mecha>: The laws of physics can bite me!
>You know what happens at the end of Stardust
>Speedway! You know! I can't let it happen again! not to him!" With
that
>the metallic hedgehog broke free and ran after him.
> "Dammit! your going to get us all erased!"
SAMANTHA: And that would be a bad thing because...
>Lunarus was about to
>chase after him when he noticed the materials he needed.
NASH <Robotnik>: My God! They still make Pop Rocks?
>"I'll catch up
>to you Mecha, as soon as I get the goods." >>
>
>
> "So then what happened Lunar?" Knuckles asked.
> "Well after that I confronted . . .
STEVE <Antoine>: ... Kefka. He tried to deny everything at first, but
deep down in the pit of my stomach I *knew* that all of this was his
fault.
>wait! did you hear that?"
RYAN <Lunarus, singing>: Do you hear what I hear...
>Lunarus' ears perked at a sudden sound of a snapping twig. They all
turned
>around to see a brown fox dressed in green armor walk out of the woods
>with a sad expression, she looked at Antoine w ho strangely knew who it
>was.
SAMANTHA: You see, Antoine got these nifty new powers after a run-in
with the latest plot point.
> "Locy, so, the transformation rune did effect you." He croaked out.
RYAN: Ah, Antoine must have a frog in his throat.
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...ha... ha ha. You guys don't know a good joke.
> "Yes it did Tony." She sat down next to him and kissed him deeply.
>"But I still love you dearly,"
SAMANTHA: At least until the drug wears off.
>Antoine blushed; obviously his feelings
>were the same. Locy turned to face Sally; they stared at each other
for a
>moment.
MARK & NASH <Sally & Locy>: BITCH!
>Sally's grip on Tails tighten, s he moved closer; as if she's
>frighten "is this the great Princess Sally I heard so much about?"
> "It is," replied Sonya "Princess Sally Acorn, rightful ruler of
>Mobius."
SAMANTHA: And wimpy female star.
STEVE: Saying that implies that there's a female star who's *not* wimpy.
> "She seems like a scared puppy," Locy whispered; Sonya's ears
>tilted back angrily.
BRET <Sonya>: Look, Kefka's writing her! Try to be a little sensitive!
> "You'd be too if Sonic had screwed with you for eight years."
>Locy's eyes widen.
RYAN: Aww man, I didn't need that image in my head, thank ya very
much...
SAMANTHA: And popped out of her skull.
> "Sonic never did tell me much about anything . . . forgive me
>Princess Sally." Locy rose up to bow to Sally. Sally still stared at
her
>until she sat back down.
MARK <Sally>: Those *clothes*... too horrible...
> "Shhh its O.K. Sally, we are all friends here." Sally looked up at
>Miles then buried her face on his chest; slowly sobbing.
RYAN: <Sally> Your... BO... is so... BAD!! WAAAHHH!!!
> "So what happened to you Locy? why are you . . ."
> "Well, I guess it is wise to start at the begining --"
SAMANTHA: *sigh* Now, how many more tales are we gonna listen to? No pun
intended.
NASH: Okay, so right now we're in story A, we just got out of story C,
and we're getting ready to go back to story B, right?
STEVE: Eh. Whatever works.
SAMANTHA: This is reminiscent of Pod People for some reason...
>
>
><< Locy felt like a ton of bricks fell upon her, she groaned slightly
and
>tried to focus her eyes. It was dark, too dark to see anything, even
if
>she could focus. "This brings back so many memories . . ."
ALL: Thanks for the memories...
> came a voice
>from the dark.
BRET <announcer>: Locy Hottovy, THIS IS YOUR LIFE!!
>Locy almost screame d -- she knew that voice.
> "Sonic, where are you." She hissed;
SAMANTHA: Oh no! She turned into a snake!
>Locy tried to rise up but
>something knocked her down.
MARK: It was the Man, and his stupid glass ceiling!
> "Tut, tut now, you should relax; you've had a busy night -- even
>though you were unconscious you were a wonderful lover." Locy glared at
>him.
> "You didn't . . ."
> "Didn't I."
NASH: Look, *I* don't know! Did you or not?!
> "BASTARD!!" She screeched,
SAMANTHA <Locy>: *You* killed Kenny!
>"You will NEVER stop my torment!"
STEVE <Sonic>: Well... no, actually.
> "Perhaps someday -- doubtful though." Sonic walked over to a chair
>and sat down. Slowly Locy rose and searched for her clothing; which
piled
>nicely on the floor they laid.
BRET: This is the *second* time in this series we've run across a
callous, brutal, *neat* rapist. It has *got* to mean something!
>"Are you prepared for our wedding in a few
>days?"
> "What?!?!"
MARK <Locy>: But we're not registered yet!
> "Ahh yes you don't know do you? Well Princess Sara. You have quite
>the past; princess of the Amazons. Let me tell you a tale about a
young
>fox named Sara who wandered into the forest to pick some flowers -- and
>met her worst nightmare."
NASH: Rambo?
STEVE: That sounds kind of like a Nav fic.
>Sonic paused f or a moment. Pushing back his
>quills he began.
SAMANTHA: His impression of John Agar.
BRET: DARK JOHN AGAR?! NOOOOOOOOO!!
SAMANTHA: Sorry.
>"About 2 years into my -- term of office you might say,
>I came across a forest where I found a wonderful light brown Fox
prancing
>around a village.
MARK <Locy>: Prance, prance, prance...
>After a little . . . 'persuasion' a villager told me
>that this 'Sara' was Princess of the Amazon warriors of Dragon Forest
...
> think of the PRIZE Locy,
NASH <singing>: Just gimme the prize!
>to rape royalty! more so to make her MINES
RYAN <Sonic>: Jus' Like Sally, you be mines, biznitch.
SAMANTHA: After all, Locy does come in six-packs like her mother does.
>to control. It was as if I had just gotten another Sally, it felt like
my
>birthday." Locy Glared at him again, want ing so much to rip him in two
>for all that he's done.
STEVE: I know the feeling.
>"So as Sara was picking flowers I decided to make
>myself known. Knocking her down was easy, and getting myself inside
her
>was even more fun, however . . .
SAMANTHA <Sonic>: She burst apart and there was blood everywhere!
BRET: I think that image just scarred me.
RYAN: [had already collapsed on the ground, holding his head and
whimpering]
SAMANTHA: Oh man. The scene got two guys at once. This is *not* a good
trend.
>it seemed a young and inexperienced me
>over did the rape and grabbing and cutting and stabbing.
MARK <Sonic>: Ah, I was such a young scamp!
SAMANTHA <Sonic>: I just *hate* it when the knife cuts too deeply...
>It seemed poor
>little Sara was going to die . . ."
STEVE: Yeah, but that's the part in the movie where Eric and the cop
show up and really start kicking butt, even though Eric's lost most of
his powers.
>He made a small chuckling noise;
NASH: However, it was *not* chuckling.
>bringing more chills to Locy, who stood there in the dark gazing into
>Sonic's eyes. "However my uncle was nice enough
> to give me the secrets of biological transformation --
BRET: ... so now she's a Zoanoid.
>thus a little
>snip, tuck, add, rip and attach here and there and Vola! Locy Hottovy
was
>born!"
> "Your lying, no one could possibly . . ."
SAMANTHA: ... come up with such a horrible plot device.
> "I'm a nightmare made real Locy, and soon your going to be dead.
RYAN: [climbs back into his seat] <Sonic> Dead. Deader than a doornail.
Deader than ELVIS!
MARK: And? It's never stopped *me*.
>Just like Antoine, Tails, Sonya, Knuckles, and Mecha Sonic. With me
>marrying your clone --"
> "Clone?"
SAMANTHA: ARGH! Kefka was influenced by Marvel! ARGH!
STEVE: A damn *Howard Mackie* Marvel story, no less!
RYAN: Ah, it ended a while ago. Get over it!
STEVE: Ben Riley isn't the kind of thing you just *forget*.
> "Ahh yes I forgotten you haven't met my magical clone." Sonic's
>hands glowed with a black light;
BRET: Yeah, and now I'm gonna silently scream while I stare blindly.
>it raced from his hands to the ground,
>where a duplicate of Locy appeared. "Locy -- meet yourself."
NASH <Locy>: I dunno, after last night I don't think I really need to.
> "I . . . I . . ."
SAMANTHA: Wet them? We already knew that.
> "Yes well, despite her flawless looks and personality she still
>does not compare to the real thing as when it come to sex.
MARK: Then just *maybe* her personality isn't so flawless.
>You still
>scream much better then anyone I've touched; well except Sonya." >>
RYAN <Sonic>: See? I just keep poking them and poking them while they
yell at me to stop. Poke poke poke poke...
STEVE: Locy only has a Master's in screaming while Sonya has a PhD.
>
>
>
> Sonya Shivered at the last part. Knuckles gripped her shoulder and
>moved her closer to him. "I'm O.K. Knuckles, just annoyed at Sonic's
>doing." She looked back at Locy who waited patiently for Sonya to
finish.
BRET <Locy>: God, can't you hurry it up with working through your little
trauma?
>"Please continue Locy . . ."
SAMANTHA: No, please don't. We've heard enough already.
> "There's not much to tell after that, other then after Antoine and
>I defeated the clones and Sonic. The village was burnt to nothing; my
>mother survived to place on me a vow for revenge for all Sonic has
done.
NASH <Locy>: ... and then we all had ice cream.
>I will not break that vow -- not as long as
> I am living."
MARK: Then let me *fix* that for you.
> "But what happened in the shrine Locy?" Asked Antoine; eagerly
>awaiting an answer from his lover, wondering slightly if he wanted to
hear
>it.
> "Well . . ."
SAMANTHA <Locy>: I faked it every time I did it with you, loser!
>
>
> <<Locy entered the shrine, her whip drawn
ALL: [hum the theme to Indiana Jones]
>and ready for a
>milliseconds reaction to strike out at anything that threaten her.
RYAN: But then something leaped up at her in the width of a
*nanosecond*, and she was ripped asunder. The end.
SAMANTHA: So what's on Raw?
>The smell of musk and million year old artifacts filled her nostrils;
BRET: Oh, someone was wearing Old Spice.
>quite relaxing, but somewhat filled with memories she neve r had.
RYAN: Then she wouldn't have remembered them.
> Locy walked
>into the middle of the room and suddenly stopped, a horrible head ache
>struck her dead on; throwing her back into memories she would soon have
>preferred to keep away.
SAMANTHA: I just hate it when I'm walking along and a headache hits me,
making me relive all of my nightmares. Really ruins my day.
>** Memories of constant raping and beatings by
>his hands.
NASH: I bet he was using a *lot* more than just his hands.
>Only fi nding peace in the heat of a battle -- to kill is to
>show mercy;
SAMANTHA <does a double take>: Come again? Want to explain that one
again?
>so she thought; a teaching from her childhood. '
MARK <teacher>: Today, class, we're going to learn that to kill is to
show mercy, and about the letter 'A'.
>They are your
>enemies Locy, and your enemies mean you harm. It's either you or them
. ..
>who will it be Locy?" Crueler words had never spok en to her.
STEVE: Well, not since third grade when all the kids would gather around
her and chat 'Fatty- fatty-fat-fat.'
>Word from
>a deranged Sonic, a mad hedgehog drunk
SAMANTHA: Then maybe he shouldn't have drank so much.
>with power and greed. "Who will it
>be Locy?
BRET <Locy>: I choose John Kricfalusi!
>When it fully comes down to it? You? or them?"**>>
SAMANTHA: <Locy voice> Why me, of course.
>
>
> "What do you mean Locy?" Asked Lunarus, he seemed a tad annoyed at
>her words; 'words of a betrayer' he felt like saying.
> "I mean something was messing with my head in there.
NASH: Does this bug you? Does this bug you? I'm not touching you...
>When it got
>down to it all, I discovered memories I never had before --
MARK <Locy>: It turns out I was Alexander Hamilton in a previous life.
>blocked away
>by Sonic. Memories of a happy childhood away from other Mobians and .
. .
STEVE <Locy>: ... you know what? I'm just making all of this up. I'm
sorry.
>a lost lover." Antoine looked up at her.
SAMANTHA: This sounds amazingly like another one of those self-insertion
characters.
BRET: I think there's more of *those* in this story than actual
characters.
> "When it comes down to it -- my old life was much better then it is
>now."
SAMANTHA: Look, *any* life is better then this one!
>She paused for a moment. "But I do not regret meeting any of you,
>I've found a family I never knew about and will keep you as long as
>inhumanely possible."
NASH: So she's going to keep them all shackled to the wall in a small
closet.
>
>They all smiled
SAMANTHA: The prozac was finally kicking in.
>
>
>
>
>
>Chapter 3
MARK: Return of the Jedi.
STEVE: No, chapter three is going to be one of the prequels. 'Jedi' is
actually Chapter 6.
MARK: Whatever.
>
>
> "Quite frankly it's strange that all these Runes are somewhat
>related to MY blade." Sonya spoke thoughtfully.
BRET: No, it's just a crappy plot contrivance that probably won't work.
RYAN: But no sir, that won't stop Kefka!
>Her Father looked up and
>shook his head, his paw scratched the back of his furry neck, then he
let
>out a long sigh.
SAMANTHA <Lunarus>: God, these fleas are killing me!
> "You mean OUR blade Sonya, the Magical blade of Mobius belongs to
>the Robotnik family, and we both are from it."
NASH <Sonya>: Oh, it's *our* blade now? When it messed on the carpet
last night it was suddenly *my* blade.
> "No, it belongs to ME, I don't count myself as part of your family.
STEVE <Sonya>: I've joined the House of Windsor.
>You abandoned me so long ago, why should I even bother to do anything
for
>you? This includes bearing your name."
SAMANTHA: Even though it was all explained that she's a self-insertion
character from Earth. It makes no sense really.
> "You don't know the story to your abandonment,"
> "I WANT to know, but you haven't told me."
RYAN <Lunarus>: I haven't told you because I wrote a deal to make a
'Made for TV' movie. So go watch that and leave me alone.
> "You really don't want to know. . .
MARK <Robotnik>: Tom DeFalco wrote it. It really sucks.
>I can assure you that."
> "God Dammit it father, don't tell me what I do and don't want,
BRET <Sonya>: I'm in love with Matthew, I'm going to marry him, and
that's that!
>Now tell me!"
NASH <Robotnik>: First you have to say the magic word.
> "I cannot around them."
> "They are my family, and they too can hear it . . ." Robotnik's
>eyes darken for a moment.
SAMANTHA: Looks like his IQ dropped another few points.
RYAN: He has an IQ?
> "Very well, but let it be known I didn't try and warn you. . ."
SAMANTHA: So he wasn't warning her...
STEVE: I think double negatives are the least of our grammar flame
worries here.
>
>
>
> << Julian: loved by all; the first human in the royal order of the
>Acorn Family; such a high honor!
MARK: Please. Everyone has one of those.
BRET: I've got two.
>It was not surprising when he got
>promoted to handle all war situations. His wife knew he deserved it;
he
>deserved all the peoples love and cheer.
NASH: The people should be damn *thankful* to bow before him.
>"Oh Julian!" Sondra cried out;
SAMANTHA: God, we jumped into a sex scene already!
>the pink hedgehog ran up to her human husband and embraced him tightly.
SAMANTHA: ACK!
BRET: Urge... to rant... overwhelming...
STEVE: So biology isn't a major subject in Kefka's world, is it?
>"I knew you'd get this promotion my love! I knew it all along!"
> "At least one of us did!" He chuckled happily. "Tell me something
>my love, am I getting a tad over weight?" Sondra looked at her
well-toned
>husband and smiled.
SAMANTHA: No, it's perfectly normal to gain thirty pounds from downing
all of those twinkies.
> "No, where did you get that idea?" He shrugged.
MARK <Robotnik>: I think it was when the guys wouldn't let me on the
elevator.
>"You were always
>worried about fitness my darling. I've prepared dinner honey, care to
>eat?"
SAMANTHA: Darling, honey, darling, honey... If this goes on any longer,
I'm gonna get a severe case of sugar poisoning.
RYAN: [spoons a scoop of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream into his
mouth]
BRET: Where'd you get that?!
RYAN: Hey! If Kefka can use plot contrivances, then so can I! I was
hungry.
> "What did you make?"
NASH <Sondra>: Well, business was slow today, but I managed to turn a
*few* tricks.
> "The usual, Chili-dogs and my sister dropped by and brought us some
>Oriental food."
RYAN: Mmm, MSG goodness...
SAMANTHA: So they had chili dogs back then?
BRET: I hope they had *antacid* back then.
> "Ahh I see, but, can dinner possibly wait?"
> "Of course, what's on your mind?"
> "You . . ." Sondra smiled; as he approached her, slowly he took her
>in his arms and began to undo her dress.
SAMANTHA: *happy sigh* If this scene wasn't using those characters, this
would almost be... romantic...
STEVE: A sex scene that's neither violent *or* horrible? That other
person must be writing this.
RYAN: But... it's a human and a hedgehog... oh god...
>She welcomed him and began to
>remove his clothing; before long they both wore nothing but their
birthday
>suits. . .
>
>Let the Birthday party begin!
MARK: Ha ha! Oh, that Kefka wit!
BRET [slightly green]: This is enough to make a guy want to take a vow
of celibacy.
RYAN: I'm already in forced celibacy so I've got nothing to vow.
>
>** two weeks later **
SAMANTHA: Wow! They had sex *that* long? What stamina!
>
> Julian was sitting on his favorite chair, after a long day all he
>wanted to do was rest. He picked up the Mobian Press and read over the
>sports section, "hmmm Mobotropolis Super Sonics won again . . . nothing
>like defeating those nasty little 'Howlers' from the Southern
Continent."
NASH: So story 'D' is a sitcom?
STEVE: The Adventures of Julian and Sondra... in color!
>He smiled slightly. Just then his wife Sondra entered rather groggily,
he
>rose from his chair and walked to her. "Darling? Are you O.K.?" He
picked
>her up and placed her on the very chair he was sitting on.
MARK <Sondra>: All the kids at school ever talk about is *Marsha*!
Marsha, Marsha, Marsha!
> "I went to the doctor today Julian, I found out why I've been
>throwing up all these times."
SAMANTHA: She was eating C-ko's cooking again.
> "Was it food poisoning as I suspected?" He asked; she laughed and
>shook her head.
> "No my love, we are blessed, blessed with the miracle of birth, I'm
>going to have a baby."
RYAN: (sigh) I remember the good ol' days when the only thing said was
"I'm pregnant!" The miracle of birth? That sounds like a documentary!
>Julian took a header onto the floor,
SAMANTHA: And died. The end.
BRET: Great. Any minute now Sondra's wacky mother-in-law is gonna show
up.
>when he awoke
>he whooped for joy as he never had before.
NASH: Yes, even Ivo Robotnik likes Stone Cold.
>
>
>
>** about 8 months and 2 weeks later **
SAMANTHA: You kinda figure that Robutnick would run out of air hollering
for joy after all that time.
>
>
>
> "You would think she would have picked a better time to go into
>labor!" He chuckled as he raced from the War room to the hospital where
>his wife was.
STEVE: Well, I'm sure Sondra's so FLIPPIN' SORRY for INCONVENIENCING
you with her EXCRUCIATING LABOR PAINS!!
>"Thank goodness King Acorn understood my leave. I'd hate to
>have to choose between my liege or my wife;
> I'd be out of a job!"
SAMANTHA: Aww... how romantic...
BRET [notices Samantha looking at him]: What?
SAMANTHA <blushes>: Um... nothing.
RYAN: [raises an eyebrow, then shrugs]
>Julian jumped over a few carts and Mobians who
>looked on amazed.
MARK: Up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! It's *BLIMP-MAN*!
>He had reached the Hospital just in time to get prepped
>and ready to see his wife screaming out for him.
SAMANTHA <wife>: YOU DID THIS TO ME!!!
> "Julian!" She shrieked, "Julian when I get my hands on you I'll
>never let you get my hands on me again!" She gripped his hand hard and
>squeezed.
RYAN: No! The neck is a few feet up!
NASH: She smiled grimly as his bones began to break.
SAMANTHA: Wow! Talk about being close!
BRET: Well, the rest of this scene is completely cliched, so why stop
here?
> "My love are you just saying that because of the pain?!" He asked
>seriously.
STEVE <Sondra>: No. I hate you, and I just married you for your money.
> "YES!" Her grip tighten again; he started to feel his fingers go
>numb.
SAMANTHA: *CRUNCH*
MARK: Hey doc, you had better get those fingers looked at.
> "We are ready to Julian Sir." Said the Rabbit doctor, he handed
>Julian a wet cloth to clean Sandra's forehead off.
> "You sound as if I give the word for all this -- isn't my call
>doc." Julian smiled. "It's the kids!"
NASH: And it would've worked, too, if it wasn't for those darn kids!
> "She's contracting, give me a heart beat reading! Monitor her heart
>rate!" The rabbit looked at Julian's concerned face. "For her safety
>m'lord Julian."
>
>
>** Moments of back breaking labor **
SAMANTHA: At least we didn't see that part.
BRET: Try *hours*, Kefka.
>
> "Push Sandra! Push!" Screamed the doctor, Sandra who replied with
>shrieks of her own.
STEVE <Doctor>: What? I couldn't quite make that out...
>Julian held her hand tightly now, completely worried
>about the strange silence of the child. There came a slap of a hand on
a
>tail then a howl from the baby.
MARK: It's Wolf!
ALL: WOLF-A-RINE! WOLF-A-RINE!
>The doc tor smiled happily, "Its a baby
>boy . . . a Hedgehog."
NASH: Uh-oh. Looks like Sondra's been gettin' a little
somethin'-somethin' on the side.
>He was about to show it to Sondra when she gave out
>another cry the suddenly went limp.
SAMANTHA: I think this is defying a lot of rules of nature, but I'm not
sure where...
BRET: Well, you could start with the parts about them being completely
incompatible species...
> "Sondra!" Screamed Julian over the cries of the baby and the called
>out commands of the doctor. "Sondra! SONDRA!"
STEVE <Robotnik>: Stay alive! Whatever may occur, I will find you!
>They removed Julian from the
>room when they had to perform an operation on her; something was
stopping
>her life. . . something too large for her body.
SAMANTHA: *BOOM*
MARK <doctor>: Eww! Would someone get a mop?
>
>
> * * *
>
> The doctor came out of the room his eyes inverted downward;
RYAN: What? A second eyelid?
> as
>Julian came running to him. "How is she doctor?! how is she?!"
NASH <blandly>: Gee, I wonder if she's dead. I shall await the doctor's
answer breathlessly.
> "I. . . I'm so sorry Julian. We did all we could, she passed
>quickly if that is any consolation."
RYAN <Julian>: Consolation... sure... [pause] RAAAGGHHH!! DIE!!
BRET <Doctor>: Here, take a copy of the 'We're Sorry Your Wife Died'
home game.
>Julian didn't say a thing for many
>moments, his heart broken into shards that will never be re-attached
>again.
SAMANTHA: No way! Just give me a few hours, some glue, and I'll have it
back to you back in one piece.
> "What caused her death. . ." he whispered in a harsh tone.
NASH <doctor>: Y'know, stuff.
> " . . . there was another child inside her. A HUMAN baby girl,
>she was to much for Sondra to handle.
MARK <doctor>: The complete implausibility of the situation was just
*too much* for her.
>The baby is alive as well as your
>son." Julian slowly started to walk away. "M'lord. . ."
SAMANTHA: Oh, so this is the reason why Robotnik rapes and beats Sonya
continously... ARGH!!! I can't believe this! What a load of crap!
ARGH!!! [Gets up and starts beating on the theater screen.]
BRET: Don't! You know that won't work! And you'll hurt yourself! <Gets
up and pulls her back>
SAMANTHA: That jerk! That *BLEEP*ing *BLEEP*! How dare he use her as
some sort of excuse for venting! [she struggles in Bret's arms for a few
seconds before giving up and softly weeping] It's not fair...
BRET: It's okay... we're halfway through this. You can survive it.
[picks her up and places her back in her seat]
SAMANTHA: Thank you... [wipes away a tear]
STEVE: It's nice that at least one of us hasn't been totally
desensitized by this thing yet. Me, I think I lost my soul back in part
four.
>
>
>
>** Eight Weeks later **
NASH <childlike>: Man, I hate it when summer vacation's over!
>
> "You are one of my kind little Sonya, but how can I face the fact
>you have murdered my wife.
MARK: And in Louisiana, Sonya could be tried as an adult for it.
>How can I call you my daughter when you have
>destroyed the greatest thing to me? it is impossible, That is why I'm
>placing you on a little journey . . . my lif e is gone . . . there is
>nothing left of me but a cold shell.
BRET <Robotnik>: ...stuffed with veal and spices.
>Your big brother is going with Uncle
>Chuck. They will ask me what I have done with you, but I need not worry
if
>I say you died in the plague that is beginning to sweep the land.
STEVE: Gah! The dreaded Plot Contrivance Plague!
>If they
>ask f or your body I will simple say I have buried you already. . . my
>precious daughter, I hope to never see you again." >>
SAMANTHA: [has stopped crying but her eyes are red and puffy] Okay, so
what did you do with her? Send her to another dimension?
RYAN: [taps his fingers together] So... he basically blames his child
for killing her mother when it wasn't even her fault... oh yeah, I'm
sure he'll get father of the year...
MARK: And I suppose the incest would've just penalized him a few points?
>
>
>
>
> Sonya had spoken nothing after Robotnik finished his tale. Tears
>formed in her eyes, he was right; she didn't want to know this. "With
your
>mother gone, there was nothing left for me. I threw you into an
>Inter-dimensional portal and placed you upon eart h
[Silence reigns in the theater]
SAMANTHA: I can't believe that I was so dead-on right.
NASH: Man! What did Kefka do, just go out and read a bunch of other
stories and put their parts together to make this one?
MARK: Yes, friend. It's called a cliche.
>but reversed you back
>into the age of being nothing more the a fetus.
RYAN: NOOOO!!! HE PULLED A SAILOR MOON!! YOU BASTARD!!
BRET <Church Lady>: Well, isn't that *conveeeeeenient*?
>Your Earth mother gave
>birth to you, and you lived a happy life with your own kind."
STEVE: Once Sonya reached maturity, she was briefly tranquilized so
researchers could attach a tracking tag to her left ear.
> "I. . . I . . . I need to take a walk. I need to take a walk now,
>to calm myself." Sonya rose up and slowly walked into the forest
sobbing.
SAMANTHA: So much for calming herself.
>
>
>
>
>Chapter 4
NASH: Citizens on Patrol!
>
>
>
>
> "I should go after her." Whispered Knuckles to Tails, who noticed
>Sally began to shake again. He slowly wrapped one of his tails around
her
>body;
MARK <Sally>: Can't... breathe...
>she smiles and cuddled near it; becoming content again.
SAMANTHA: <Tails voice> Damn, Sally is easy to please now!
> "No, not now, she needs time to be alone Knuckles. Why don't you
>tell us a little about what had happened all those years you were
gone...
BRET <Knuckles>: Oh, you know, the usual... booze, women, selling
replacement hips... need I say more?
>like what happened when
>the world collapsed for the third time."
SAMANTHA: I believe the proper term is 'gone to hell in a handbasket'.
STEVE: The God-damned world has collapsed again! Could *somebody* bring
me some decent nails?
> "Yeah, Yeah I can tell you about a little of what I remember."
SAMANTHA: You know... stuff.
>
>
> <<Fire broke out into the Floating island,
ALL: The island! The island! The island's on fire!
>Chaos, Madness, and total confusion.
BRET: INSANE!!
>Strange waves of magical energy struck Mountains; transforming
>them into nothing in a matter of seconds. Knuckles remember Sonya
scream
>as they separated in the heat of all this.
NASH: The *Harlem* heat of all this?
MARK: Yes... yes... yes... no... no... no...
>"Sonya!" Knuckles cried, as
>he desperately tried to reach her in time.
>
>But it was already to late
SAMANTHA: We know that! <growls> God, this is just repeating all the
flashbacks from Chapters 1 to 4!
RYAN: But I thought dread-boy ran off... great, now Kefka's not paying
attention to his own storyline...
BRET: Like we didn't know that before.
>
> Knuckles found himself on a beach, alone and drenched to the bone.
STEVE: So Knuckles became Hydro-Man?
>He coughed up sea water the moment he realized he needed to breath.
SAMANTHA: Which was about four or five hours later.
>So much horrible pain,
BRET: As opposed to that pleasant, soothing kind of pain.
NASH <grinning>: Actually, there *is* a good kind...
>so much he tried to remember, but failed. He heard
>footsteps near by, but he didn't bother t o turn around; even if he
wanted
>to he couldn't. Knuckles groaned loudly and let himself slip into what
he
>hoped would be death.
SAMANTHA: It's worse than that. He slipped into this fanfic.
>
>
> * * *
>
>
> He woke up after a day's sleep, Knuckles was alive, and being
>cared for by someone.
MARK: It must be a bear.
STEVE: Why do you say that?
MARK: Well, nobody cares like a bear.
>"Why did you save me?" He asked to the shadowed
>figure, "Why are you prolonging my pain?"
SAMANTHA <figure>: Because I'm supposed to be a cheap rip off of that
engineering guy from Final Fantasy 3.
> "You know you are far more then what you believe you are Guardian
>of the Island that once floated.
BRET <deep voice>: You are my son, and the one true King.
RYAN: [singing and clapping his hands] The circle... the circle of
life...
>Do not let your pain and despair cloud
>your task at hand." The Shadows whispered. "We are the Shadows of
Mobius.
RYAN: What lurks in the hearts of echidnas and bad authors?
SAMANTHA <deep>: The Shadows know...
>A group that has prepared for a downfall
> such as this; for over nine hundred years.
NASH <Shadow>: We were going to take up stamp collecting, but this
seemed like more fun.
>As the prophesy spoke: 'a
>hero to guard the sky, a fallen angel to wash onto the shore. Shall be
the
>hero to fight and bring us to victory over the demon.'
STEVE: Look, Jason Blood hasn't got anything to do with this.
>you are that chosen
>one Knuckles Echidna." A strange l ooking creature in a cloak came out
of
>the shadows. Knuckles tried to view his face but it was impossible.
SAMANTHA: Oh probably because they're all shadowy figures, you idiot.
> "I think you got the wrong echidna pal. First of all, I'm only a
>Guardian and will be nothing other then that!
MARK <Knuckles>: I'm not going to update my resume, and you can't make
me!
>now that my island is gone
>and my love, then so is my life."
SAMANTHA: So he's dead now.
BRET: No such luck.
SAMANTHA: Damn.
> "Do not be foolish echidna! Training shall show you how wrong you
>are. When you realize that there is something to live for."
> "Which is?"
NASH: Sex! With Tia Carrere! In the Oval Office!
SAMANTHA: A way out of this fanfic.
> "Revenge . . ."
> "On?"
STEVE: UPN, I think.
> "Sonic The Hedgehog: the third and FINAL dictator of Mobius."
> "Are you telling me that he's the one who sent those powerful rays
>to toast my island?!"
SAMANTHA: Which is now a nice toasty brown.
> "Yes, proof is over in the direction of Robotropolis. No longer
>does it hold the dark power of technology but the power of demons.
MARK: Ah, Turner instead of Microsoft.
BRET: Hey!
MARK: I calls 'em as I sees 'em.
>Come, come now Knuckles,
NASH: No, that's later on in the story.
>tell me you do not see the Evil in Sonic since before."
> "I thought something was wrong with him,
STEVE <Knuckles>: ... but I just figured that the killing and raping was
a phase.
>but I had never expected
>something like that."
RYAN: Oh sure, you always expect the guy who saves your life is evil.
SAMANTHA: See what happens when you drink too much coffee? All that
caffeine makes you make rash decisions.
> "Many have died young one, many have lost their lives meaningless
>in a war that is just beginning. We can help you stake revenge, we are
a
>last of a dying breed;
BRET <Shadow>: We're white rhinoceroses.
>a breed of ninja that has studies in the arts of
>ninjitsu and from the master Echidna Inosa nto."
SAMANTHA: They are also a ripoff of the people that trained Shadow in
Final Fantasy 3.
> "My powers can help me through what I'm going through, I can defeat
>Sonic with my fists."
RYAN <Knuckles>: Megaton Punch!
MARK <Knuckles>: I'll punch out his stupid old continent destroying ray
gun!
>The echidna held up his raw hands;
NASH: And Raw *is* War...
>nearly screaming
>at all the blood and pure pain he felt with a single movement.
SAMANTHA: Ewww!!! Someone get him a band aid.
> "As I said, Sonic is different now, he has been taken over by an
>emerald of black.
STEVE: So all Knuckles needs to do is get a ruby of white.
>It is wise to know what you are dealing with. Train
>with us Knuckles Echidna."
SAMANTHA <Yoda>: Study the force you will. Beat Darth Vader you can.
>With that Knuckles nodded and Training began.
> "For Sonya and my island I will avenge." >>
BRET: I am vengeance! I am the night! I am KNUCKLES!
>
>
> "I can finish no more Miles, I
SAMANTHA <Knuckles>: ... just can't eat anymore. I'm stuffed!
>must go after Sonya, I'm too
>worried." Knuckles rose up and walked into the general direction she
did.
> "This is not exactly turning out how I hoped." Whispered Miles; he
>let out a long sigh.
MARK <Tails>: And I thought delving into everyone's painful pasts would
be so much *fun*!
> "Nothing turns out how ya's want it." Replied Mecha Sonic, finally
>speaking after such a long period of silence, half had forgotten he was
>there. "Just like my trip with the doc to the Little Planet . . ."
NASH: Look, Kefka didn't even care enough to give you your own chapter
of this thing, so why should *we*?
>
>
>
> <<Mecha screamed out for his brother to seize the chase on Sonic
the
>Hedgehog.
RYAN: Seize the day, Mecha! Seize the day!
>Palmtree Panic's terrain had become bruised from past battles
>and influence from the future --
STEVE: So time travelling gives the landscape a black eye.
>not to easy to catch up with things that
>can move faster than the speed of ligh t. "Metal!" He screamed. His
twin
>brother slowed down to allow Mecha to catch up.
> "Brother !
BRET <Metal>: Can you spare a dime?
>What'cha doing here?" Asked Metal.
> "I . . . ER
SAMANTHA: ... is getting too screwed up for me to watch anymore.
>I missed you brother." Mecha hugged Metal who made no
>movement to hug back.
MARK: Metal has issues with healthy expression of emotion.
> "Bro," Metal's arms shot out and hugged his brother tightly.
NASH: BOOST KNUCKLE!
RYAN: CLANG!
SAMANTHA <Metal>: You're denting the metal plating, man.
>"Can we talk later? I gotta go stop Sonic! See ya back at
Robotropolis!" He
>blasted off;
STEVE: Oh, ew! Can't you go find a bathroom or something?
>his brother tried not to cry as he saw his proud brother
>chase after the happy, good hearted Hedgehog.
> "I can't lose you again Metal, I just cant."
SAMANTHA <Mecha>: Mom is gonna kill me if I do!
>He made chase all the
>way through each sector of PalmTree Panic, Collision Chaos, Tidal
Tempest,
>Quartz Quadrant, Wacky Workbench, and finally to the place of horror
those
>many years ago -- StarDust Speedway.
BRET: GolDust Speedway... now that would horrible.
MARK: Oh, like the born-again Christian act is any better.
SAMANTHA: Hopefuly they've cleaned up since the last time they raced
there.
> The challenge set: Sonic vs. Metal Sonic;
NASH: ... IN A STEEL CAGE!!
>a race for the child Amy
SAMANTHA: How did Sailor Mercury get so young?
>Rose. Mecha remember this race, the horrible information that his
brother
>was. . .
STEVE: ... actually his *sister*.
>Metal Sonic would not come back to Robotropolis, only in pieces and
SAMANTHA: Recycled.
>once re-created will never be the
> same again.
> "Are you ready Sonic?"
NASH: Break it down!
[Everyone except Samantha and Bret begins doing the D-X theme]
>Metal Sonic asked in his typical cold harsh
>tone. "This is for all, in some ways I think I'll miss you."
BRET: Well, then you should aim a bit more carefully.
> "Feelings are NOT the same Tin Can! lets race ace!" They both took
>off.
SAMANTHA: Flying...
> "METAL!" Screamed Mecha as he followed his brother down the path.
>"Stealth mode on!" he vanished out of site from Robotnik and Sonic he
>moved close to his brother.
MARK <Mecha>: Ah... pay no attention to the dust cloud or the noise! I'm
not here!
>"Metal its me Mecha. I'm in stealth mode,
>listen, please stop this race! I beg you, don 't finish it."
SAMANTHA <Mecha>: They've lubed the finish line with oil!
> "Mecha I must! there's' no turning back now!"
> "There IS time to turn back! please! I don't want to see it happen
>again!" he cried out.
STEVE: Yeah, 'It' was hard enough to watch the first time.
> "Brother, listen to me, I will be O.K. I swear to you!" he blasted
>off, screaming Mecha's name as a victory cry.
NASH: Man! Don't you just hate when you scream the wrong name as your
victory cry? And chicks always whine about that kind of thing, too.
>
>
>A Victory that never was . . .
SAMANTHA: Yeah, yeah yeah... Boo hoo. I'm crying a river here.
>
>
> "Oh, Metal." whispered Mecha as he gazed down at his brothers
>wrecked body. "I warned you," he sobbed
BRET <Mecha>: Told you so! Told you so!
>"I warned you, why didn't you
>listen to me." a spark of life was still inside the crushed Robot.
SAMANTHA: It kept going and going and going...
> "Please do no..t cry Brother. . . it is an h...honor to die
>like..this.." Metal whispered.
MARK: In a futile attempt to destroy a good person? Why, I'd be honored,
too!
>"Brother, I love you dearly. P...please
>...take....this.... something... I found long ago. . ." Metal weakly
>removed a strange shining rock; it's shape was that o f a metallic
quill.
>"G-o-o-d---b-y-e---- My . . .brother. . ." >>
SAMANTHA: Someone needs to teach these guys how to Shatner talk *really*
bad!
>
>
>
> No one said anything as Mecha rose from his seat and walked into
>the forest, the instant Sonya and Knuckles returned. "What was the rock
>Metal gave Mecha?" asked Tails.
STEVE <Knuckles>: Kinda cheap. Only 14 karats.
> "It was a rune, the rune of speed." he sighed. "He changed after
>Metal was destroyed, he became heartless, without reason to live.
SAMANTHA: He already *was* heartless. He's a *robot* for crying out
loud!
>Since then he just slid into darkness, just like he never wanted his
brother
>to do."
NASH: Man, a slide into some darkness would feel really *good* right
now.
> "He spoke of something about Metal Sonic being Rebuilt?"
> "He was, but
SAMANTHA: ... it was as a Volvo.
>Metal had become just like his name, Metal; Machine;
BRET: Completely unlike *Mecha*...
>unfeeling. Mecha never accepted the new Metal, it wasn't his brother
and
>knew very well." Robotnik sighed. "the rune had given Mecha many
things.
>Emotions, special powers, and most of a ll hatred for Sonic."
MARK: MECHA HAD EMOTIONS ANYWAY!!
>
>
>
>
>Chapter 5
ALL <Singing>: This is the fanfic that never ends... it just goes on and
on, my friend...
>
>
> They said nothing for a while, until Mecha returned, his eyes
>averted downward. Sonya edged closer to Knuckles and softly began to
>speak. "I miss my world." They looked up at her curiously. "I use to
>tell Sonic about how I came to be here . . . it alw ays amused him."
SAMANTHA <Sonic> Astro-glide? That's how you got here?
>
>
>
><<School day:
> "Up in the morning and out to school!
>The teacher is teaching the golden rule!
STEVE: THE HELL?!
NASH <panicky>: If this is another trivia scene...
SAMANTHA: That's it... I'm going to sleep. [konks out]
>American history, practical math!
>I'm studying hard, hoping to pass.
RYAN <Teacher>: And if you don't pass, you have to answer to the tossed
salad man!
OTHERS: EWWW!!
>I'm working my fingers right down to the bone.
>The guy behind me won't leave me alone.
BRET: This is a song from 'The Simpsons Sing the Blues!' Kefka really
did rip all those riddles last chapter off from a Simpsons episode!
MARK: How can a fic so bad come from a show so good?
STEVE: You're not the first person to ask that.
>Ring ring goes the bell!
>the cook in the lunch room is ready to sell!
NASH <cook>: Strut! Pout! Put it out!
>I'm lucky if I can find a seat!
>I'm fortunate if I have time to eat!
>back in the class room open my books!
>the teacher don't know how mean she looks!
BRET <teacher>: Actually, I do... BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!
>As soon as three o'clock rolls around!
>I finally lay my burden down!
>Close up my books get outta my seat!
>Down the hall and into the street!
>up to the corner, round the ben!
RYAN: Big Ben? How'd they get to England?
>Right to the jute joint I go in!
STEVE: *Jute*?!
MARK: According to Webster's, the glossy fiber of either of two East
Indian plants of the linden family used chiefly for sacking, burlap, and
twine, or a member of a Germanic people invading England from the
Continent and settling in Kent in the 5th century AD.
NASH: Well, nothing relaxed me more as a kid than a trip to the local
sack-making shop.
>Drop the coin right into the slot
>I gotta hear something that's really hot!
BRET: Aren't you a little bit young for 900 numbers?
>With the one I love I'm making romance
>All day long I've been wanting to dance!
>I'm feeling the music from head to toe!
STEVE <trippy>: I *feel* the music, man! I *FEEL* the music!
>round and round and round I go!"
MARK: JANE! Get me off this crazy thing!
> Typical day of school for one named Elizabeth Ramirez. She sang
>and danced and goofed off as any normal teenager does. However today
was
>not a good day to do so.
NASH: For today, young Elizabeth Ramirez was going to visit a dimension
not of sight or sound, but of crap. She was going... to the Kefka Zone.
>Nor was it a good day to take her walk man to
>school.
>
>teachers despised kids having good times.
RYAN: Right, right... and I believe that as much as I believe you have a
life, Kefka.
STEVE <Raven>: My teachers were all against me, everyone was. They had
everything while I had nothing. Quote the Raven, nevermore.
>
> "Elizabeth, Elizabeth will you please answer this question. If six
>is the square root of thirty six then please explain why you said 'as
soon
>as three o'clock rolls around'?"
RYAN: <Elizabeth> Because I'm riding your ass and giving you a hard
time. Happy?
SAMANTHA: *YAWN* Is the song over?
MARK: Yes.
SAMANTHA: Ah, good.
> Math class, period one, despised by her.
BRET: And we should care why?
>She looked up and tried
>to conceal her head phones. "Err, I dunno I just thought it was the
answer
>Ms. Rivara."
> "How could anyone is their right mind think that that was the
>correct answer?!"
SAMANTHA: Well this *is* Sonya we're talking about.
> "I don't got a right mind Ms." everyone is the class room chuckled.
NASH <kids>: Ha ha! We're going to stone you later!
> "That's it! Report to the principal NOW!"
STEVE: If one blue nosed Sailor Mercury is there, I *swear* I'll harm
you, Kefka.
> "What did I do!?"
> "Your headphone wire is sticking out of your sweater."
> "Whoops . . ."
SAMANTHA: The wrong thing to hear during a heart bypass surgery.
>
>
>
> * * *
>
> Her mom wasn't THAT mad. In fact, she had lucked out seriously.
>With her mom getting ready to leave for the weekend trip,
MARK <mom>: If she had *any* idea where I was *really* going...
>Elizabeth had
>plenty of time to talk to her pals on the net and hey maybe check even
a
>few adult pages. She was at THAT age,
NASH: Ah, that special time in a young girl's life when her soul is
stirred by the thought of hardcore porn.
SAMANTHA: Did we *really* need to know that?
>and she found it quite strange,
BRET: That she enjoyed the works of Robert Tsunai...
RYAN: Gerk... [wraps his arms around his stomach] Don't... EVER say that
name again or you WILL regret it.
>especially when in her youth she would find even kissing repulsive. She
>was the typical teenage Latino girl, five foot eight, brown eyes, black
>hair, and not bulky but not thin.
RYAN: There's a typical?
SAMANTHA <whiny>: I'm just big boned!
>She was a tomboy, but accepted it and
>wouldn't change for any man in the world.
STEVE: What about any woman?
>"Mom, It's not my fault I rather
>be on CompuServe or America On-line then be in class! I mean its
totally
>boring! I can't sneak in my Sonic comics cause they might get taken
away
>by the demon spawn!"
MARK: No, Al Simmons is into Ghost Rider.
SAMANTHA: Yeah! Who needs all that essential education for building a
life? Just give me comics!
> "The kids?" asked Liz's mother.
> "No the teacher," She giggled and walked to her room. Opening the
>door reviled the stereotypical hackers/punks domain.
NASH: Hey! I revile it too!
>messy, strange
>smells and the black lights
RYAN: Hey! Learn about what you talk about, dumbass! You're giving
hackers a bad name! Well, the good ones I mean...
SAMANTHA: Damn it! The conspiracy got to the helicopters and buses, and
now the lights!
>and always on PC. "Gee wont it be a shame I
>can't go with my mom . . .
BRET <Elizabeth>: And that accident she's going to have will be *such* a
pity... BWHAHAHAHAHAHA!
>boo-hoo, no boring family reunion."
SAMANTHA <Sonya>: Families suck!
>she smiled
>slightly wickedly. "At least I'll have a nice quiet weekend."
STEVE: My, what masterful foreshadowing.
>
>
> * * *
>
> With a bon voyage, her mom left for the weekend. Elizabeth
>quickly began her quest to freedom and happiness by drinking tons of
soda
SAMANTHA: Jolt! The official drink of computer geeks everywhere!
MARK: Uplift my soul, sugar and caffeine!
>watching the adult channel and checking out many gory flicks.
NASH: Oh, Elizabeth, you lovable scamp!
>She then
>stayed on-line with her friends till about 2 am in the morning,
chatting,
>laughing and doing what they do best --
SAMANTHA: Wasting time.
>Role playing.
RYAN <Elizabeth>: Oh yeah, baby. I've been a bad queen. Spank me hard...
BRET: Well, now we know who was behind that crappy E-fed post...
>
> When three in the morning strolled by, Elizabeth decided to go to
>sleep.
SAMANTHA: How could she after drinking all that jolt?
>She pushed all the crap off her bed and fell into it like a ton of
bricks.
NASH: Feces diving! It's EXTREEEEEEME!
>"One of my best days; with the exception of the school thing. I
>got to stay up really late, eat whatever
> I want, then stay on as long as I wanted. Life can't get any better."
MARK: I pity you, friend Elizabeth.
> ** couldn't it? ** spoke a voice suddenly. Elizabeth screamed and
>leaped up, she grabbed her baseball bat.
STEVE: Great, *everyone's* ripping me off now.
BRET: Oh, like *you've* got a right to complain.
SAMANTHA: Elizabeth's turned into Babe Ruth!
> "Who are you?! where are you?! I swear I'll knock your fool head
>off if you don't get the fu*k outta here!'"
NASH <Mr. T>: Ah PITY the foo who don' get outta mah room!
SAMANTHA: Tsk. Tsk. Such language.
> ** Do not be so trivial young one. I am a friend; from a world you
>love so. You are of pure heart child;
SAMANTHA: This voice sure has a funny idea of pure, considering how
Elizabeth swears and watches pornos.
RYAN: Yeah, as it is, I'm more pure than her!
MARK: Well, she swears and watches porn in a pure way.
>one's soul does not radiate as
>strongly as yours so often.
STEVE <voice>: Souls like that are usually encased in lead for the
protection of others.
>You child, needed in a world that is a part
>of this world. **
ALL: (singing) A whole new world...
> "I don't know what your talking about psycho, how do I know your
>not some god damned Los Angeles rapist? or some ass who got himself
>pickled to go and pull a job eh?!"
BRET: See? Rapist, drugs, Los Angeles? *Not* Calgary, mind you...
MARK: Shut up.
> ** Wouldn't I; if I was a rapist have already attacked you? and if
I
>was pulling a, as you call it 'job' wouldn't I have surprised you? **
> "Well maybe your just totally stupid."
SAMANTHA: Like you're one to talk, Elizabeth.
> ** Hardly, listen to me Elizabeth; you have always felt that you
did
>not belong here. You've felt that something was wrong, and by god you
>have even prayed for someone to come and take you away from this world.
RYAN: Look! Calgon's here!
NASH: It's lonely fangirl fantasy time!
>The gods have answered your pleases," from
> the darkness came a strong aqua glow, with that a portal appeared.
RYAN: And out from the portal came a chanting, saying "I'm a Barbie
Girl... in a Barbie World..."
SAMANTHA: Suddenly Quinn and his friends appeared on yet *another*
alternate Earth.
>Liz backed away, feeling herself being drawn to it by a strong wind.
STEVE: Just as I am repelled by a strong magnetic force.
>** Enter, and finally live in the world whence you came. **
> "Even it this were true! I cannot leave my mother here alone!" she
>hissed.
SAMANTHA: Yikes! Now *she's* turned into a snake!
BRET: That happens to *everyone* who goes to Mobius.
> ** Already Dealt with, Elizabeth. ** a shadowed figure appeared
from
>the portal, as it came closer she gave off a loud gasp.
MARK <Elizabeth>: SKELETOR?! NOOOOOOO!!
>** Elizabeth, I
>would like you to meet yourself. **
NASH: Nah, she already did that when she was watchin' the porn.
RYAN: Bomp-chicka-bomp-wow...
>a copy of Liz stood before her.
> "Hello Elizabeth," the clone smiled "I'm you! strange isn't it?
STEVE <Elizabeth>: Well, more like *stupid*, but...
>you need not have to worry about your mom and family anymore. I'll
take care
>of them! I promise!" the clone pushed Liz to the portal.
SAMANTHA: ... as she took out a gun and began to polish it. "*Really*
take care of them," she said.
> ** Now child, will you consider my offer? will you save the world
>that will save your own? **
BRET: Look, the story's suddenly become the Rayearth OAV! It's Lexus
talking to Hikaru!
MARK: I'm afraid not, Bret.
BRET [depressed]: I know.
> " . . . This better not be some sort of crappy trick. What do I
need to
>do?" she grabbed her backpack and walks closer.
> ** Step into the portal Sonya. **
SAMANTHA: This is like all of those dumb horror movies where the idiot
goes into the part of the house where the monster is.
> "Sonya?"
> ** You shall see. ** Liz looked back at her house and smiled.
>
>
>She leapped into the portal
NASH: She dived into the fruit-juicy flavor!
>
>
> * * *
SAMANTHA: Three stars? Really...
>
>
>
> Awaking I found myself alone, in a quiet little section of forest
>. . . Forest? there's no forest in Los Angeles! I leap to my feet and
>screamed!
STEVE: And now, 'My Summer Camping Trip', by Kefka the Dark One.
>I was Naked!(except for my backpack) had I been raped?!
SAMANTHA: <sarcastic> No, some insane crook came along and stole
everything from you except for your backpack.
>Everything was so blank! all, all I remembered was a voice and . . .
and
>myself. . . this is scary.
MARK: Well, now you know how *we* feel.
> Since I didn't have any clothing I had to run around in the
>bushes. I considered running to that really bombed looking city but,
from
>the way it looks I decided not to.
SAMANTHA: Ah-hah! Kefka has also declared himself protector of the
endangered tense change!
>This, this forest looks so wonderful,
>and so awfully familiar! It didn't take me l ong to find someone
BRET <Elizabeth>: Mr. Levy! How are you and your friend... er, date...
um... hi, Saturn.
>actually, I heard someone scream. The voice was also familiar; I ran
>quickly to the howl of pain and found its source.
>
>
>
>I'd have whizzed in my underwear if I was wearing any.
SAMANTHA: So instead she just whizzed standing up... Okay, that was far
too gross for me...
NASH: No, that wasn't bad at all!
SAMANTHA: Yuck. Now I *really* feel dirty.
>
>
> Right in front of me was Tails! My god! MILES 'TAILS' PROWERS! The
>two tailed fox from my favorite Video game!
ALL: GYYYYYYAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!
STEVE: It's time for fourth-wall-breaking agony!
>But with him was a hover
>craft! or what's supposed to be one! It had him in a net.
MARK: With Sandra Bullock?
>He was
>screaming out for someone to help him as it started to take off.
RYAN: Just take off, right? Nothing having to do with clothes, RIGHT?!
>
>
>I must have been outta my mind
SAMANTHA: And what makes you think you're back in it?
>
>
> Without thinking I lunged at the net, trying to tear it open to
>free the fox.
BRET: Elizabeth smash!
>Instead, the sudden weight shift was to much for the hover
>unit, it jerked hard and hit some trees that loosen the grips on the
net,
>it came down crashing. The fox managed to get out of it right before I
>took a header onto the ground.
RYAN <Elizabeth>: Plot Contrivance Power!
SAMANTHA: <imitates plane crashing noise>
>
>
>
> * * *
>
>
>
> I slowly started to come too after I started hearing voices.
>Familiar voices. one asked
NASH <voice>: ... are you ready to do the deed, Elizabeth? ARE YOU READY
TO DO THE DEED?!
>"are you sure this human saved you Tails?"
SAMANTHA <Tails>: No, she ran around screaming her head off. Of course
she saved me!
> "Yes Sonic," Sonic? did I hear that right?
STEVE: Could that possibly be Jaleel White's normal speaking voice?
>"She saved me and got
>herself wounded."
> "I thought almost all humans were dead." asked a female voice.
> "Ya'll would think aftah Ro-butt-nik went and captured all the
>remaining Mobian Humans we would neveh have'ta seen another o' those
fur
>less things ahgain." Fur less?
MARK: You know, cheap.
>and that accent . . .
> "I am to be thenking, that mayhaps theze hu-man is to be working
>for Robotnik?" that snotty voice . . .
SAMANTHA: ACK! It's that damn old Antoine voice!
BRET: All the overdone accents... WE'RE IN CHRIS CLAREMONT HELL!!
> "Doubtful, even Robotnik wouldn't send an unarmed soldier, let
>alone one who was caught with her pants down."
NASH: 'Pants down', story? I'll show you pants down... [stands up with
back to screen]
MARK: Kevin... what the hell are you doing...
BRET: No! Kevin, you had better not!
NASH: It's too late! I AM THE BIG SEXY GIANT KILLER KEVIN NASH, AND IN
THE NAME OF MY ASS I PUNISH YOU!! [drops trow and moons the screen]
STEVE: ARGH! Sweet Jesus, no! Avert your eyes!
RYAN: MY HEART!! MY HEART!!
BRET [pulls off jacket to shield Samantha from the terror]: Don't look!
It's too horrible!
MARK: Damn you, Kevin Nash! Put your pants back on now, or REST IN
PEACE!!
[A brief scuffle breaks out that involves a lot of lightning bolts and
Nash screaming. After a few minutes, Kevin crawls back into his seat,
his pants finally back on.]
SAMANTHA: Hey! I can't see anything! What's going on?
BRET: In this case, that's probably a good thing.
NASH: I'm sorry if that was too much for you wussies, but it needed to
be done.
STEVE: Is it over now? Can I look?
MARK: Thanks to the wrath of the Dark Side, yes.
RYAN: I think my blossoming libido has been fully killed. Thanks a lot,
Nash.
NASH: Anytime.
>that was a husky but kind
>voice. . .it was by then that I started to open one eye. They noticed
it
>and took a step back.
BRET: Jump back now! Kiss myself!
>I let out a groan and
> slowly tried to sit up, everything was out of focus, and when it
finally
>came too, I let out yet another scream.
SAMANTHA <Elizabeth>: ACK! I'm naked and in front of a bunch of
anatomically correct sentient animals!
> "SONIC THE HEDGEHOG!" I screamed and fell outta the bed I was in;
BRET: Oh, *here's* something we haven't seen yet.
>funny how you don't realize your in a bed until you take a header out
of
>it. "SALLY ACORN! BUNNY RABBOT! ANTOINE DE'COOLETTE!! ROTOR! >And, and
>MILES TAILS PROWERS!"
ALL: SHUT UP!!
>it seems I caught the m by surprise.
SAMANTHA: It also seems that you were hyped up on caffeine at the time.
RYAN: Jolt! For those who want to make a 'good' first impression!
> "How do you know who we are?" demanded the Princess.
STEVE: Because Kefka took Self-Insertion lessons from David Gonterman!
> "Cause of my games and comic books!" I replied.
RYAN <Elizabeth>: I have no life! Isn't it cool?!
> "Wha?" they replied in unison.
MARK <all>: What the hell kind of stupid plot device is that?!
> "oh, man!" I screamed again. "I'm in Mobius! I can't believe this!
>ohh man! where's Knuckles?! where's Uncle Chuck and all the others?!"
> "Yo my Unc is in Robotropolis."
RYAN <Sonic>: Yeah, so why you up in my bizzniss? Yo best to get out my
face before I put the hurtin' on yo ass!
NASH <Scott Hall>: And he's taking a little *survey*...
OTHERS: SHUT UP, NASH!
NASH: Geez, what's wrong with you people today?
> "Ohh being a spy right?! cool!"
> "HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT?!" Roared the Princess again.
RYAN: Cool! Sally's morphed into a lion!
SAMANTHA: Looks like the Princess needs to calm down. That kind of anger
is sure to raise the blood pressure.
> "My comics! watch! Check 'em out . . .
BRET: I've got a full run of 'Power Pack'! You'll love it!
>wait . . . where's my
>backpack?"
> "We had it put away, we haven't opened it yet tho, we detected some
>sort of strange electrical devices in it."
STEVE [extremely bitter]: Yeah, probably some other stuff she used when
she watching her porn.
RYAN: Really?! Wow... for those times you need a little buzz...
> "Oh that would have to me by Game Gear and Cdx, and my games."
RYAN: Cdx? You bought that worthless piece of junk? You're more of an
idiot than I thought!
SAMANTHA: Shameless product Plug # 1.
MARK: This whole story seems like one big product plug.
> "Your what?" asked Rotor.
> "My SEGA equipment, I also brought my Psx and my Snes."
NASH <Elizabeth>: Screw food and clothing! I need GAMES!
>from the
>looks I recived, I realized they thought I was full of it.
BRET: They aren't the only ones.
>I scratched my
>neck slowly and felt something brush against me; it was some sort of
box
>wrapped around my wrist. "what's this?"
SAMANTHA: The Power Morpher made by David Kintobor, remember?
> "We found it on you, we thought maybe you would know."
> "I don't remember having anything like this on." stupidly; just
>like most humans, I began fiddling with the device.
STEVE <Elizabeth>: Well, let's see what this button does... AAARRGGH!!
SAMANTHA: Oh look! It's the machine that goes PING!
>I pressed something
>and heard a loud humming sound. I shrieked in pain, grasping my
stomach
>and crying out!
MARK <Elizabeth>: Sonic vibrations... interacting with bad instant
ramen... can't take the pressure...
VOICE: Instant ramen, ooh be right back!
[Everybody blinks as Ryan slumps over?]
BRET: [pokes Ryan] Hey, you alright?
RYAN: .......
STEVE: He's... dead. I can't believe it, Ryan's dead!
SAMANTHA: Damn you Kefka! How could you snuff a blossoming life!
VOICE: And back!
RYAN: [wakes up] So guys, what'd I miss?
OTHERS: ......
RYAN: Er, guys?
>My body! my body was . . .
NASH <Elizabeth>: ... going straight to hell! I needed to work out!
>w as changing! I felt myself
>shrink; transform into something smaller. I felt things rip from my
skin
>covering me!
RYAN <Elizabeth>: Hedgehog Powaa, Make-up!
BRET: Cool! She's turning into one of the Brood!
>I felt my whole body thin out; my face slowly altered! I, I
>felt like I was on FIRE!
SAMANTHA: And she hasn't even hit puberty yet.
>
>
> When it was over, I had become what I am today. A Teenage
>hedgehog, pink, with blue eyes. It was a new beginning for me . . .
>>
STEVE: She's still a teenager after eight years? Damn, Oil of Olay
really *must* work wonders.
>
>
>
> "It was a new life, and new happiness . . . but I never knew it
>would end up like this." Sonya sighed.
MARK <Sonya>: Badly written, in an ill-conceived plotline... you never
think it's going to happen to you.
>
>
>Again the Campers went silent.
SAMANTHA: Someone must have hit the pause button, I see.
>
>
>
>
>Chapter 6
ALL <singing>: The Never ending Stooooryyyy... La la la la, la la la, la
la la...
>
>
> Tails hated this silence; it was to cold; to much remorse. Every
>story they told had something to do with Sonic. Even the story he
wanted
>to tell had Sonic.
NASH: How strange that they keep mentioning Sonic in Sonic fanfiction!
>Sally was in his arms; she felt so warm and comforting.
SAMANTHA: From that moment on, Tails realized what a good blanket Sally
made.
>Miles let his hand wander down to her
> legs; she moved her hand to his and touched it. Miles felt himself
>become very lustful for her.
BRET [sighs]: We knew this scene was coming sooner or later, people.
Keep your lunches buckled in, and your minds in a fully upright
position.
>He shrugged it off and kissed her on the
>forehead. "I love you," he whispered to her.
STEVE: Because love is never offending a woman with your loathsome
touch.
> "Did you say something Tails?" asked Knuckles.
> "Not really, I just told Sally I loved her. She knows it already,
>we wouldn't have went through so much to save each other if we didn't
..."
>
>
>
>
> <<Everyone had left for now. Tails was happy to be alone with
>Sally; especially after she told him she loved him.
RYAN: Aww, no... now we gotta sit through this...
SAMANTHA: Who cares how bad your medical condition is. It's time for
some gratuitous sex!
>Tails just stood
>there for a moment as Sally looked up into her eyes.
MARK <Tails>: You've got some ketchup on your chin.
>God he wanted her.
>he wanted to take her in every way possible, to
> hold her like he was never able too.
RYAN: He wants to do a little dance... make a little love... and get
down tonight!
>Self control prevailed of course,
SAMANTHA: A good thing too considering how she was BRUTALLY RAPED FOR
THE PAST EIGHT YEARS!!!
>and all he managed to do was kiss her on the cheek and reply. "I love
you
>too Princess Sally."
BRET <Tails>: Down, libido! Down!
>The rest of that night consist of Tails Telling his tales
SAMANTHA: No pun intended.
>to her, tales of love and ha ppiness.
STEVE: Aw! He's reading her Sailor Mac stories!
RYAN: May her name be uttered throughout the net! You rule, Sailor Mac!
>She would kiss his paw
>occasionally. They loved each other greatly, Sally's eyes never seemed
to
>glow with such happiness before.
RYAN: Maybe because she wasn't infused with Mako before!!
> Today's a wonderful day, the perfect day to go out and sit in the
>forest with Sally. she had been in that bed for too long.
MARK: She needed to move around and risk re-injuring herself.
>He asked her
>if she wanted to take a stroll in the forest. She agreed, and with the
>help of wheelchair they were on their way. "The forest has changed
hasn't
>it Sally?" She nodded and slowly touched her dress and blanket.
NASH <Lenny>: I like to feel things...
>She grasp
>the arms of the chair tightly as Miles pushed it over a small hill top.
SAMANTHA: <Sally voice> AHHH!!!
MARK: Maybe he should have held on to the wheelchair.
>"Ya know I've always wondered what had happened to all the other
Freedom
>Figh ters."
BRET: Well, you said they all died in part one, but I bet that's about
to be ret-conned straight to hell.
>Sally made a small whimpering sound.
STEVE: Bad Sally! You can go outside later!
>"I'm sorry Sally, I
>didn't mean to remind you about that." The fox went silent for quite
>sometime; Sally looked up at him and extended her hand.
SAMANTHA: Go go Gadget hand!
RYAN: SPROING!
BRET <Tails>: OWW! My head!
> "Tails," she whispered. "what is wrong?" her voice took him by
>surprise and he nearly lost his grip on the chair.
NASH <Tails>: My God... you sound like Fran Drescher!
> "N. . . nothing Sally, I'm just thinking."
SAMANTHA: Notice the smoke pouring out of the ears.
> "He's always thinking Sally." a dark voice suddenly whispered.
MARK: No, I didn't say anything...
>Sally screamed when a ghostly image of Sonic the Hedgehog walks to
them.
>"I miss you too Princess Sally. I can't wait to have you back in my
arms.
>I've been wanting to stick it to you for
> a while now."
BRET <Sonic>: You have to pay the Mastercard bill! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
>She clutched Tails shirt tightly and shook.
SAMANTHA: *RIP*
STEVE: Maybe she held onto his shirt a little *too* tightly.
>The Fox drew
>his blade and stood in front of Sally. "Oh you brave warrior," slowly
>the holographic Sonic became solid. He drew his blade and stood before
>them, "Well, let this bad demon be sl ayed by you!" He lunged at Miles,
>clashing their blades together with the fury of an angel fighting a
demon.
RYAN: Battle Arena Tohshinden 4: Freedom Fighters!
NASH: See, cause we can't overstate the fact that Sonic is a *demon*.
>Tails Leapped back then charged; Sonic dodged with ease and grabbed the
>foxes Tails; he flung him into a tree.
SAMANTHA <singing>: Tails was flung through the air with the greatest of
ease, he's the world's one and only, the flying trapeze...
>"is this the best you can do Miles? I'm ashamed you got away
>from me all these years!" He picked up the fox
>and threw him against an oak; he grunted and fell to the ground "get
up!"
>roared Sonic as he kicked the fallen fox.
MARK: Watch, Sonic's gonna spray-paint Tails next.
>"get up! I'm not mealy finished
>with you!" his boot came down ha rd on Miles Back.
RYAN: BOOT TO THE BACK!
SAMANTHA: Miles Prower, however, was watching his stunt double getting
stomped while he drank an iced tea.
> He was off balance when Tails hand shot out grabbing Sonic's other
>foot and dropped him to the ground. Miles leaped on top of him
pounding
>away at his face
ALL: ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR!...
>until some unknown force knocked him off. Sonic rose and
>smiled. "I'll kill you yet!" whispere d Tails.
> "Not likely."
> "Fire!"
RYAN: Sonic blinked as the rest of the freedom fighters leapt out of the
surrounding trees brandishing rocket launches. What follows next can be
described with one word: BOOM!
> roared Miles, a magical wave of heat burst from his hands
>onto Sonic's body.
BRET <singing>: He starts the fire in you!
>Sonic looked at Tails and smiled; pushing back his
>cape quickly; the fire was out in milliseconds. "No . . . Eternal
>Light!" he screamed; a ray of light shined from the foxes armor,
[Everyone shields their eyes.]
>exploding onto Sonic who grunted then threw his hands up into the air.
STEVE: Then Booker T ran in and kicked his ass for stealing his shtick.
> "Puny fox, taste True Power!! ULTIMA!"
RYAN: I call official FF7 crossover!
SAMANTHA: Actually, that *is* a spell from Final Fantasy 3.
> Roared Sonic, his cape rose
>up by an unfelt wind, Sonic's hands darted down to the ground as a glow
>from the earth surrounded Miles, lifting rocks with its pure magical
>force.
SAMANTHA: Actually, that only happens whenever a psychokinetic or a
Saiyan powers up.
>Tails screamed as the magical aura tor e at his flesh, tossing him
>into the air, totally annihilating all in its path.
SAMANTHA: Including him, right?
NASH: We're not that lucky.
>The fox landed with a
>thump to the ground, barely alive, Sonic looked at the Princess and
>smiled.
MARK <Sonic>: Well done, or extra crispy?
>"Your would be protector Princess Sally." Tails managed to keep
>one eye op en at Sonic and Sally.
> "MILES!" she screamed then rose from her chair. "Leave him alone
>SONIC!"
> "Oh ho!! after these long years you still have spirit?"
RYAN: We have spirit, yes we do. We have spirit, how 'bout you!
> he didn't have time to continue laughing.
BRET: He had lunch with Hitler at twelve, and the freeway was packed.
>Sally began to glow with a strange red
>aura. She pointed her hand to Sonic.
>
>
>
>All was a Red haze.
SAMANTHA: Then would someone get some paper towels and windex and clean
it up?
STEVE <singing>: Red haze, all through my brain...
>
>
> Miles awoke with a horrible headache, more so; surprised to be
>even coming too.
NASH: Miraculously, he had survived mixing pickles and chocolate milk.
>He tried to move and felt pain. He looked at himself
>and saw his hands, Tails, chest, and forehead; wrapped in bandages.
MARK: Tails is Yummy Mummy!
>To his left was his armor; neatly cleaned. He loo ked around and saw
Sally
>no longer wearing anything;
SAMANTHA: AHHH!!! Now, I'm blind!
>she was staring at him, at his body. She
>walked over to him just like she would in his dreams. She kneeled to
him
>and held a damp cloth to is face, slowly cleaning the dried blood caked
on
>his forehea d.
BRET: So she cleaned off his armor before she cleaned his wounds. It's
nice to know that Sally still has her priorities straight.
SAMANTHA: Well the armor could prove more useful then Tails.
>Tails' eyes lowered to her breasts, then down between her
>legs then back up to her face again.
SAMANTHA: Pervert!
STEVE: Our hero, ladies and gentlemen. Our hero.
>
>
>This time roles became switched; Tails was the wounded. While Sally
>became the hero . . .
RYAN: Wait... a female in this story did something WORTHWHILE?!?! The
end is coming!! THE END IS NEAR I TELL YOU!!
NASH: And when Sally finally does something worth a crap, we can't see
it! Thanks, story!
>
>
> After she had finished she sat down next to him and edged in as
>close as she could. The fox placed his hands around her lightly. They
>Stared at what they could see of the setting sun, until Sally once
again
>broke the silence. "I'll never leave you Mil es." >>
MARK <Sally>: I'll weigh you down for the rest of your miserable life!
>
>
>
> "Even with my new found powers I cannot hope to defeat Sonic at
>this moment."
> "Tails, how did Sally save you?" asked Sonya.
SAMANTHA: With the use of a plot device. Next?
> "I do not know, and she will not tell me." he looked at the
>Princess who still held him tightly around the waist.
BRET: That's because Sally actually sub-contracted the rescue out to the
Sailor Scouts.
>"All I know is I
>love her deeply." he kissed her on the nose. "Please Sally, tell us
>something about what happened when you were . . . wi th him.
SAMANTHA: Oh sure, make her relive her nightmares. You twit.
>You've carried the burden for so long."
STEVE <Tails>: Please, expose all of your most painful and shameful
memories in public.
>Sally didn't reply to his request. She
>mealy looked up at him her eyes slightly watery; she was about to cry
but
>held it in.
SAMANTHA: And exploded.
> Sally shifted her weight again and looked at Tails tent. "I
>understand Princess. She wants to go to sleep. Guy I'm tired too,
this
>turned out a little better then I expected, we've talked about what
happen
>with each others vacation and helped let out s ome feelings that have
>plagued us for a long time"
NASH: Miles Prower, group therapist.
> "Yeah Tails," Replied Sonya. "I'm going to go to sleep too. I had
>fun with this; a little." she got up and walked to her tent.
MARK <Sonya>: Oh, who am I trying to kid? This was the most boring night
of my entire life!
> "I don't have a tent to sleep in."
> "You can sleep with me Locy." Replied Antoine, just as Locy had
>hoped for.
SAMANTHA: Oh man. That must be some wicked stuff Antoine is using on
Locy.
> "Heh, coincident? I don't think so," giggled Sonya.
> "That's all you women ever think of; sex, sex, sex!" hissed
>Lunarus.
BRET: No, that's all *Nash* ever thinks of.
NASH: Yeah, pretty much.
SAMANTHA: Geez, everyone's turning into snakes!
> "It's a hobby." smiled Sonya, she opened her tent and entered, she
>popped her head out and smiled at Knuckles. "I'll be waiting for you
big
>boy."
SAMANTHA: *Boy* indeed...
STEVE: More like 'penile implant boy'.
>she giggled and placed her head back in. Knuckles grin and wagged
>his tail.
> "Coming my love." he leaped up and went to her hut. Lunarus
>scoffed.
MARK <Lunarus>: Scoff, scoff, scoff.
> "They're a buncha animals." he rose up. "Why can't they act normal
>just like m~....meeee...Grrr" He quickly squatted down and lifted his
hind
>leg to scratch an itch behind his ear, "Stupid fleas! Grr!"
> "Don't worry master Robotnik, I'll buy you a flea collar tomorrow."
>Mecha Sonic laughed and went to his hut.
SAMANTHA: Hah hah hah. Very funny. You're a regular Henny Youngmen.
> "Come on Locy, lets go back to our hut."
BRET <Antoine>: Let's go for a wild fifteen minutes of passion!
>Antoine extended his hand
>to her; she took it and walked
SAMANTHA: ... off with it, leaving a trail of blood. Oh, the humanity!
>together.
> "Well if that isn't a buncha crap." snorted Lunarus.
NASH: My thoughts exactly! What say we ditch this story and go grab a
beer?
RYAN: Sounds good to me!
BRET: No alcohol for you, mister!
RYAN: Aww, man...
>"Well, I'll
>go roam around, I'm a night person." he got up, standing his full seven
>feet.
STEVE: And giving them to the Seven Brides to take to the Seven
Brothers.
>"Good night Miles," he moved over to Sally and touched her hand; he
>kissed it softly. "Good night to you Prin cess Acorn."
SAMANTHA <Sally>: Eww! Now I got cooties!
>
>
>
> * * *
>
>
> Tails had fluffed the Princess pillow and prepared her little
>sleeping bag. "O.K. Princess Sally, it's ready." Sally crawled over to
it
>and laid down. "Are you comfortable?" she nodded. "O.K.," Miles
kissed
>her on the cheek. "goodnight my princess."
>
MARK: Finally! God, that story was long...
>
> * * *
>
> It had been a while since Sally dreamed, her nights were almost
>always restless, but tonight she dreamed. However she wished she
hadn't .. .
MARK: AAARRRGGGHHH!
SAMANTHA: Uh-oh. I sense another flashback coming on!
>
>
> <<When the fire and brimstone has finally halted, Sonic looked upon
>his battered victims and smiled.
BRET <Sonic>: Not bad, if I say so myself! Look at how I peeled the skin
off of that one!
>He walked passed them and counted the
>bodies, all where there; except one.
NASH: You have a nasty habit of *surviving*, Mr. Bond...
>
>Princess Sally. He decides its hunting time.
SAMANTHA: Hey Sonic, don't forget your orange vest and hunting rifle.
>
> Sally had managed to escape into another room during the horrible
>fire fight. She stopped for a moment to catch her breath and re-think
her
>situation. She knew she could deal with Sonic, by talking or force. .
.
STEVE: Either she would talk him out of being evil, or she would feel a
darn lot of force.
>Half way out of the room Sonic confronted her. His eyes burned
angrily.
SAMANTHA: Some visine will clear that up.
>Sally backed away slightly, her fear growing of him; but nonetheless
she
>stood her ground.
MARK: Hey, is this the part that other person wrote?
BRET: I think so. Why?
MARK: Sally's not useless, so it couldn't be Kefka.
>"Hello Sonic," she said in her softest tone. "how are
>you?" He didn't reply.
NASH <Sally>: I *asked* you a question...
>"Sonic. . . you shouldn't be doing this. It's
>wrong you know." His eyes flared up
RYAN <Sonic>: MEGA OPTIC BLAST!!
STEVE: Oh, so Sonic's like Scott Summers.
> "You're full of bull Sally." he whispers. "JUST LIKE YOUR FATHER
>WAS!"
SAMANTHA: No wonder his eyes were brown.
> "Leave him out of this!" she screamed. "You have NO Right to claim
>this worlds ruler!"
> "Nor did your Fatuous Father!!" Sonic Roared, he threw back his
>hands as a large aqua blue energy ball formed in his hands.
BRET: SHINING AQUA ILLUSION!!
>"And now you
>DIE!" he threw it at her; Sally dodged, feeling the fur on her side
almost
>burn away at the magical force. Sally wa s about to laugh when she
heard
>creaking behind her,
MARK <Sally>: Oh, Sonic, you're such a kidder!
>she turns around and screams as the wall that took
>the attack collapses upon her, burring her.
RYAN: Raymond Burr is back, and he's bad!
SAMANTHA: Now I know that a collapsing wall would have buried her, but
as for burring her... I don't know.
>
>She lets out her small whimpers of pain
NASH: Run and be free, little whimpers of pain!
>
> "Your not dead yet eh? Good," he replies to her groans. "I'll kill
>you with my bare hands." Sonic's eyes glew with horrible, evil Rage.
SAMANTHA: Not just any rage, but *evil* rage!
>Slowly he advances, "I want to see how strong I am Sally, how long it
will
>take me to strangle the life out of you. . ."
STEVE: And exactly how is that useful knowledge? He can only kill her
once.
[Bret shrugs his shoulders]
>he moves away the rubble
>that's trapped the whimpering Princess. He
>digs her half way out and watches her cry from both pain and mental
>breakdown. Sonic smiles wickedly; enjoying her pain and fear. "To see
my
>powerful Sally cry like a baby."he ch uckles.
SAMANTHA: Some man, enjoying watching a young woman cry her eyes out.
BRET: Well, he's *evil*.
> "S....on...ic...."
RYAN <Sally>: I...I... I'm stu... stu... stutter... stuttering...
> Sally slowly moved, breaking her hand free from
>the rubble. "Drop dead!" She leaped out and sent her strongest right
hook
>to his face; knocking him down.
MARK: Yeah! Go for the pin!
>She karate chopped
RYAN <Austin Powers>: Judo CHOP!
> his neck and continued
>to sling her best blows to his back, neck, and face.
NASH: She realized that wouldn't work when his quills sliced her arm
off.
>Sonic couldn't
>defend from the unexpected blows; Sally would have won. . .
SAMANTHA <singing>: Everybody was Kung-fu fighting...
ALL: HAH!!
>
>If she hadn't tripped.
STEVE [groaning]: And so the sins of the teacher are perpetuated by the
student...
>
> "Your dead," he whispers as he reaches for a metal pipe and lunges
>at her. He strikes her face hard, then pummeled her arms, and legs.
>Blood began to gush from her mouth and nose as his beatings continued.
RYAN: Oh no! It's Rodney King all over again!
BRET: Hey! Sonic has an international object! Stop the friggin' match!
>Finally her struggling stops and her body wen t limp; her blood covered
>hands drop down. "Rest well Princess." he scoffs, before leaving the
>room.
MARK: No, you mean... REST IN PEACE!!
NASH: Geez, give that guy *one* catch phrase...
>
>**Two days later**
SAMANTHA: It already feels like days since we started this fanfic.
>
>
> Sonic wanted it . . .
STEVE: But he couldn't have it.
>and bad. Thus he remembered Princess Sally,
>lying there in the room alone. He smiles and rises from the control
room;
>dusting off his new clothing. He walked pass his now loyal SWATbots
and
>began to think of what he'd do.
BRET <Sonic>: Hmmm... where do I want to be in ten years?
>"If sh e's dead, then I'll just do it
>with the body, its all the same for me." he whispered.
RYAN: Gack...
SAMANTHA: I was joking about the necrophilia last chapter. I was
joking!!!
>"Then I'll throw it
>away; or keep it for next time."
NASH: Reduce, reuse, recycle.
>he opened the door to the destroyed room
>and saw . . . nothing.
MARK: YES! Sally got out of the fanfic!
>Sally wasn't there; and the only other way out was to. . .
>
> * * *
>
> "Chuck!" roared Sonic as he entered his uncles lab. "I knew it!
>you have Sally." Sonic's uncle looked down on the table where Sally
laid
>unconscious.
SAMANTHA: Hey look! An open platter!
> "She needs Medical care." he replied. Sonic looked down at her,
>slowly rising his paw to her breasts.
STEVE <Sonic>: If I could get her those saline implants, they'd be
*this* big!
>Charles's anger grew at his nephew,
>but what could he do? if Sonic had nearly killed his girlfriend. . .
what
>would he do to this uncle?
> "I want her . . ." Sonic whispered,
BRET <Sonic>: ... with a summer salad and a baked potato.
>Chuck looked up at him the
>moment Sonic's gaze turned to him. "and I want her now, have her
brought
>to my quarters."
> "She needs to stay here so I can finish the healing."
> "You can finish healing her . . . AFTER I'm done with her."
NASH <Sonic>: Now we'll watch 'Sanford and Son' while you feed me
grapes! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
>he snatched her arm and bolted out of the lab,
SAMANTHA: ... tearing her arm off in the process.
>running down the hallways with
>Sally in tow until they reached Sonic's new quarters.
>
>Like father, like Son.
MARK [growling]: Don't even get me *started* on that one, story.
>
> Of course Sonic's new quarters were Robotnik's old one, Sonic had
>chosen it by virtue of the extra, extra, extra, extra, extra, extra
large
>bed.
SAMANTHA: It must be some bed if it had all those extras in the
description.
STEVE: Actually, it had it's own zipcode.
>He tossed Sally onto it; slowly she began to come too, her eyes were
>blurred but she could make out Sonic sl owly undressing. When he
finally
>finishes he walks over to Sally -- who can now see clearly.
BRET <Sally>: Hey! I finally got contacts!
> The site she's treated to is not all that welcomed at the moment;
>Sonic's erection flared
SAMANTHA: He should have a doctor look at that thing.
NASH: Could the doctor even *find* it?
>and ready to do its thing.
RYAN: Ain't no thing but a chicken wing!
> And she KNEW what he
>was about to do. "no. . ." she managed to croak out before jumping from
>the bed, running for the door.
> "oh yes." Sonic reached her before she even got her hands the
>automatic door button. He laughed then threw her back onto the bed.
MARK: Three points!!
>She tried to rise up but he knocked her back down; slowly he begins to
let his
>hands wander. "How are you Sally?" he asks in a casual voice; she
didn't
>answer. "you don't say. . ." he replies to her silence. "remember that
>night? before I took over. . . what we did."
SAMANTHA: They stayed up all night watching 'Green Acres'.
>he smiled darkly. "I enjoyed
>it very much, and I know you did too." she glares at him darkly.
STEVE: And then the sunlight darkly beamed in through the window,
darkly.
> "It was with the Hedgehog I thought I knew. . . and loved."
> "Your love means nothing to me Sally; all I want is your body."
BRET: Well, he can't have it! Well, we *wish* he couldn't, anyway...
>he positioned himself over her. "About that 'special moment';
NASH: You mean Rini's Special Moment with Serena?
RYAN: [pauses] I wish I'd have read that rather than Chibiusa's 7th
Birthday. [shakes a bit] Tsunai you sick bastard... HOW COULD YOU DO
THAT TO HER!! HOW COULD YOU!! FREAK!! BASTARD!! ARGH!!
BRET: Ryan! Ryan! Calm down! It's all over! This is Kefka, Kefka...
RYAN: That's not much better... a little, itsy bitsy tiny bit... but...
I guess it's enough...
>let's recreate that night . . ."
>
>Sally began to scream as Sonic forced himself inside.
SAMANTHA: Inside what? Her bedroom? Her house? Come on man, details,
details!!!
RYAN: [groans] No details, please...
>
> * * *
>
> Charles was cleaning up his lab when the screams pierced the air.
>Slowly he looked up and in the direction of the cries for help. He
>touched his now flesh and quills hand and slowly, began to cry.
SAMANTHA And the winner for next years Mally Award of most creative use
of the English language goes to...
>He was
>helpless to stop his nephews reign of Terror. Chuck moved over to the
>window and gazed out; at a new city. A City where Mobians were indeed
>alive and reuniting with lost family members, unaware of their leaders
>true nature. . .
MARK: He was a member of the National Rifle Association.
>the nature of a demon.
> Beyond what Robotnik, or Snively could ever wish to be. Tears
>fell from Uncle Chucks face freely now. The screams in the master bed
>room were getting louder and were accompanied by moans and laughter.
BRET: Tostitos: There's a party in every bag.
>Chuck never thought he'd fear his nephew, but he d id. More so then he
>had fear Robotnik. >>
>
>
NASH: *I* think getting banged by a Hedgehog is scarier than being a
robot.
>
>
> Sally Jerked up quickly, trying to choke down a scream.
STEVE: Quick! Somebody do the Heimlich manuever!
>Miles woke at her sudden movement, she turned to him and started to
cry. "Sally
>. . . what's wrong?"
SAMANTHA <Sally>: Chili dog... coming up...
> "S...So....Sonic....." she sobbed. "N...nightmare...."
MARK: She dreamed she was trapped in a story called 'A sorceror, a
demon, and Emeralds.'
>The fox hugged her tightly as she continued to cry on him.
SAMANTHA <Sally>: Can't... breathe...
> "Shhh Sally, it was only a dream. Nothing is going to happen to
>you, I promise." Sally shook her head and looked up at his cool green
>eyes.
> "R....rape.....past......hurt...pai..n...."
SAMANTHA: Bad... Shatner... talk...
RYAN: She can only give one word sentences. How sad.
BRET: I know how she feels. Reading this story does that to you.
> "He won't ever get to you again, I swear to you." Sally's shaking
>subdued slightly. "That's right Princess, Relax." He gently pushed her
>back down and covered her up.
NASH <Tails>: Here, suffocating a little will make you feel better!
>"I will be here for you my princess." he
>kissed her and laid beside her; his hands aro und her. Sally thought
for
>a moment, as she once again drifted off to sleep. Her life had taken a
>dramatic change when Sonic took control,
STEVE: YOU'RE KIDDING!!!
>and eight years later her life
>again had taken a change; thank god this time; for the better.
> Each member of the Neo-Freedom Fighters were brave and stronger
>than their former. Their successors would be stronger than they were.
MARK: Eventually, they would have to be reduced to children in the next
season to compensate for their ridiculous power levels.
>After Sonic dies, the world will flourish, the remaining population
will
>still rebuild.
BRET: What if Sonic's immortal?
>As she had read in a story, f rom long ago, a once brave
>half human half esper* (*= meaning a mystical creature! <for you
non-Final
>Fantasy 3 players!>)
SAMANTHA: And you should try spacing, since you're obviously not a
writer of the English language.
>child said: "Life will go on! there will always be
>people, and DREAMS!"
NASH: And *wet* dreams!
>Sally smiled, looking at Tails, she snuggled closer
>to him
> and kissed his wet nose.
SAMANTHA: Eww! Wipe your nose Tails!
>
>Maybe . . . maybe life was worth living after all.
>
STEVE: Well, the story has to end sooner or later.
>
>
><<END OF PART 5>>
MARK: YES!! YES!!
[General celebrating ensues]
>the saga continues! This might be the moment all Evil
>Sonic lovers have been waiting for! Yes! Next chapter will consist of
>SONIC THE HEDGEHOG and His Tale to tell.
[everyone gets really quiet really fast]
MARK: God dammit.
SAMANTHA: No thanks. We've heard enough tales of sex and violence for
now.
>When his ol' Rival St. John
>makes himself known, Sonic decides to take off on his own adventure and
>not return until St. Johns head is on a pike.
BRET: Well, I wouldn't mind seeing Sonic kill that damn skunk.
>
>~~~Coming Soon~~~~ The SONIC Saga that might be entitled "The Hunt"
SAMANTHA: So a Predator is gonna come along and hack off Sonic's head?
NASH: We can only hope.
>
>
>~~~SPECIAL SNEAK PREVIEW!~~~ I just couldn't keep the NEXT story after
the
>Sonic Saga to myself! This one is the "SALLY SAGA!" Yes! Finally Sally
Get
>to be introduced to some new powers. But will these powers corrupt her
>like they did Sonic? Only time wi ll tell for the soon to be "Fire
>Goddess!"
SAMANTHA: Urd tasting her own chili.
STEVE: Then that story... where Sally would be useful... would be ASADAE
7, correct?
BRET: Yeah.
STEVE: And as of this writing, there is no ASADAE 7, correct?
BRET: Yup.
STEVE [sighs]: Of course.
RYAN: No more hurting, NO MORE HURTING!!
>in a tale I call . . . "Needful Things" (hey did that last
>sentence sound like the Crypt Keeper?)
NASH: No.
>
>MetalSonic.....Giving you none stop action when it comes to stories.
(Yeah
>right)
SAMANTHA: Indeed.
MARK: But we've got those mind-blowing headers!
>
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>CAST OF CHARACTERS. . . .
MARK: Speaking of which...
SAMANTHA: ARGH! Not another one of these! Uh, guys? I'll catch you all
later. Bret?
BRET: Yeah?
SAMANTHA: Could you meet me in the Holocabana after this?
BRET: Umm... okay.
[Exeunt Samantha]
STEVE: What's that about, pink-boy?
BRET: No idea. I hope nothing's wrong...
>
>Sonic The Hedgehog / The Dark Lord : Now isn't he Keeping busy?
NASH: Dammit, Kefka, if *you* don't know...
>I'm sure
>he'll be just as happy when he meets St. John in his own City.
>
>Knuckles / Red Claw : The Echidna wonders who were these strange
ninja's
>that saved his tail so long ago.
MARK: Plot contrivance demons. Next question.
>
>Sonya Sho Eiji / Sonya Sho Robotnik : Sonya must learn to cope with her
>past birth on Mobius, but can anyone really deal with the fact that
they
>killed their own mother?
STEVE: Um... it's not like Sonya held a *gun* to her head or anything...
RYAN: It wasn't her fault, you bastard! That's like blaming a contractor
for creating a building!!
>
>Antoine/Tony: His past relationship with Princess Sally has seemed to
have
>vanish.
RYAN: You better not be alluding to what I think you're talking about,
because if you are, so help me...
BRET: Thank God!
>
>Miles/Tails/Grey Fox: What did happen when Sonic attacked . . . how
could
>it be possible that he is still alive?
RYAN: You told us already up in that stupid sneak preview!
NASH: Sally probably got possessed by the plot contrivance demons.
>
>Sal/Princess Sally: What secret is she holding within' her past
memories
>of horror and pain.
MARK: It can be yours, *if* the Price is Right!
>
>Locy: Her new body of a beautiful fox might spark Ant's wanting to get
>more serious with her. But her new dragoon powers and armor might
>pressure her to think of nothing more but her mission of revenge.
RYAN: It'll get her away from Antoine?
ALL: GO FOR REVENGE!!
>
>Lunarus/Robotnik: He's just mad cause he don't got a girl N'yaaaaaaa!
STEVE: Actually, there was that time he got Sonya...
RYAN: Did you REALLY have to remind me of that?
>
>MechaSonic: His brothers lost, his true hatred for Sonic, what kept him
>from betraying Sonic Sooner?
>
BRET: Sonic gave out really good dental insurance.
>
><extras>
NASH: Or, 'characters only the author cares about'.
>
>Uncle Chuck: He gets a bigger part in part 6
RYAN <Chuck>: Hah! I don't pay my agent so much money for nothing!
>
>Metal Sonic: Hey that dude's got a WONDERFUL name! I love it!
STEVE: Oh, shut up, Self Insertion Boy.
>
>Sandra: Who would think a hedgehog can find love in a human....she will
be
>missed I'm sure.
RYAN: Wha, who?
>
>Dulcy: She says she's not working for Sonic, but . . .
>
>Everyone else were just extra extras.
>
STEVE: *Was* there anyone else?
>
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>Extra Junk some of you might find interesting
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[All stare at screen]
NASH: INTENSE FOOTNOTE ACTION!
BRET: Good lord... guys, I think I'm gonna bow out of this one, too.
I'm gonna see what Samantha wants. [Exeunt Bret]
STEVE: Fine! Go on! Leave us with the footnotes from hell! Like we'd
need you anyway!
RYAN: Well, look on the bright side. Now that he's gone, we can say
whatever we want!
MARK [cracking knuckles]: Oh, really?
>
>Official Stress reliving games played: Doom 2: Hell on Earth, Battle
>Arena Toshinden, and Sonic 3D Blast
NASH: Official stress relieving thought while reading this... Kefka the
Dark One in a barbed wire match.
>
>Music listened to while writing: Mortal Kombat the Movie Theme, Sonic
CD,
>Final Fantasy 2/4 Celtic Moon And Tommy Tallarico Games greatest Hits
>Vol.II (I mostly listened to the EarthWorm Jim themes)
STEVE: Sound most often heard in theater: Our cries of agony.
>
>Official Annoyance: My uncle screaming "Its 3am Go To SLEEP!!!"
RYAN: Well, you should've listened to him. Staying up too late is
probably what gave you this damn idea in the first place.
>
>Official Comic books read: Sonic the Hedgehog (Archie Comics) RockManX
>(Mega ManX) Japanese Comics.
MARK: Official comic book characters who would kick Kefka's butt...
everyone, including Fone Bone and Lethargic Lad.
>
>Official TV show watched: Xena Warrior Princess, Married With Children,
&
>STH re-runs.
RYAN: Official New Bane of Existence: Kefka.
>
>Written on: Microsoft WORD 6.0
RYAN: Sent by: A crazy wrestling promoter.
>
>Edited on: MS WORDS
NASH: Riffed by: four angry wrestlers, a chick, and a teenager.
>
>Computer Used: PC Pacer IBM Comp 100mHz, 1.2 gig Hard drive, 8x CD rom,
>40megs RAM, Sound blaster, TV viewer/capture, wireless Mouse, 14.4 bps
>Fax/data/voice modem, Official Plug and Play Software, and of course. .
.
>WINDOWS 95! (AUGHHHH!!!!)
STEVE: Wow, Kefka's computer is a piece of crap!
>
>Official Virus: Win95 (heheh) an error that keeps telling me "Incorrect
>DOS ver"
RYAN: Boy, even the computer was trying to keep him from writing this.
>
>Official On-line services: America On-line (Gonna get MSN soon I hope)
MARK: And people wonder why AOLers are dreaded on the net...
STEVE: Kefka *would* like MicroSatan.
>
># of hand cramps I received writing this: 4
NASH: Number of impure thoughts had while reading this: 93, 467.
>
>Official hand cream used: ICY HOT, Bengay, DeepHeat
RYAN: Official hand lubricant: KY Jelly.
NASH: Hey, good one!
>
>Official toilet paper:
NASH: Hard copies of 'A sorceror, a demon, and Emeralds'.
>(am I taking this to far?) Off Brand name
>
>Official Stuff on this file. . .
>
>Original Name: asadae5.txt
>Created: 3/31/97
STEVE: Riffed all to hell: 7/13/98
>total size of file: 68,744bytes
>Final editing time: 297 mins
>pages: 21 (Times New Roman Font size: 10) pages: 29 (Arial Font
Size:12)
>words used: 12,345
>Characters Used: 54,550
MARK: Characters ruined: Pretty much all of them.
>paragraphs: 448
>Lines: 1,147
>
>Averages:
>
>Sentences per Paragraph: 2.5
>words per sentence: 11.5
>Characters per word: 4.2
NASH: Average amount of caring for story: None.
>
>Readability:
ALL: NONE WHATSOEVER!!
>
>Passive Sentences: 1%
>Flesch Reading Ease: 84.8 (avrange writing is about 60-70 heheh I'm
above
>avrage!)
STEVE: Well, whoop-de-friggin-doo. What the hell is Kefka talking about,
anyway?
>Flesch - Kincaid Grade level: 3.8 (Avrange is 8.0 d'oh. . .)
>Coleman - Liau Grade Level: 7.2 Bormuth Grade Level: 8.2
MARK: Mark Calloway - UT grade level - 0. Average is about a 7.
NASH: Damn. I feel dirty now.
STEVE: Yeah, it's like being Kefka's mind... but I've got an idea
that'll cheer us up...
RYAN: Really? What's that?
[Everyone gets up ane eaves the theater]
[DOOR SEQUENCE... 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7...]
Draining or replacing the SON's oxygen reserves took a good fifteen
minutes. That's why Bret had been willing to let Samantha go early, and
willing to leave himself. He just had to be careful not to move too
fast, or he'd pass out. But it nearly happened anyway when he saw the
sight in the Holocabana that awaited him. It was the Silver
Millennium... the Moon Kingdom's Palace, as it had been before Queen
Metalia had destroyed it. It was complete with a realistic landscape, an
unrealistically breathable atmosphere, and an
entirely-too-good-to-be-true recreation of a night sky.
"So what do you think?" said a familiar voice, shocking Bret out of his
fanboy stupor.
Bret whirled about to see Samantha, blushing slightly and smiling.
"It's... it's incredible! It's just like the show, but... it's real," he
smiled as he picked up a handful of moondust. "How..."
"I called Ami at Club Anipike when I got out early and asked her and
Usagi for the details. They sent up the complete plans for the entire
place," Samantha explained. "You can go inside it if you want to. It's
all authentic."
"Well, of course! Is this what you wanted to show me? And... well, why
all the effort for me? I don't need to relax *this* bad," he asked
quietly.
"Umm... you... uh... want to walk around and see the place?"
"Well, sure, but..."
Bret was extremely surprised when Samantha took his arm and immediately
began their tour.
*****
"Trust me, you'll love this," Steve exclaimed confidently to the others.
He was walking down the SON's corridors with Ryan, Mark, and Nash. The
group looked like they had just robbed a paramilitary toy store... they
were all carrying weapons that looked like they might've been Super
Soakers in a previous life. They had been altered and tweaked to a huge
degree, with higher firing pressures, better range, and even a laser
sight on Steve's. As was fitting, for these were the weapons used for
the Paint Wars.
"The rules are simple. The four of us go in with all the paint weapons
we can carry. Once we're in, it's every man for himself. The guy who
leaves with the least amount paint on him wins."
"Exactly how is this relaxing?" Mark asked skeptically. He had opted for
long range paint rifles, as he figured being able to throw lightning
bolts would give him something of an edge. He still thought the whole
idea was pretty stupid.
"Who cares?!" Nash grinned. He was armed with a high-pressure paint
cannon with a load so big he had to carry it strapped to his back.
"What do you get if you win?" Ryan suddenly broke in. Ryan had picked
paint bombs as his weapon of choice... more reliable than paint
balloons, but with the same explosive power.
"I dunno," Steve asked as he began fiddling with the Holocabana
controls. It was the only piece of equipment on the ship he could
operate properly. "Clean clothes, I guess."
"There's an idea," Nash said. "Why don't we put somethin' on the line?
Y'know, a little incentive to make the game more interesting."
"Like...?" Mark asked. He grew a bit more interested as he sensed an
opportunity to humiliate Nash.
"Superiority," Ryan blurted out.
"What?"
"The winner is the unquestionable superior of the losers," Ryan
elaborated.
Nash and Mark glared wickedly at each other. "Deal!"
"Sure, why not?" Steve added with a smirk. He *invented* the damn game,
so there was no way he was losing. At about the same time, he finally
got the Holocaban doors to open, revealing the fantastic moonscape.
"The *hell*?!"
"It's the Sailor Moon castle!"
"Let's *trash* it!" Nash exclaimed as he turned up the pressure on his
paint-load.
"Hey! Didn't pink-boy say he was gonna see Sam here about something?"
"And?" Nash growled back at him.
"Well, we shouldn't barge in," Steve said superiorly. Then he turned
back to the Holocabana's insides. "HEY, PINK-BOY!!" he screamed in at
the top of his lungs.
No answer.
"They must've left it on. One minute to take positions, and then the
game begins!"
*****
Bret arched an eyebrow and paused a minute, listening. No, it must've
been his imagination.
The two had stopped in the palace ball room and were now standing in the
middle. As if on cue, the music from Usagi's locket started up and
filled the air. Bret smiled; it was a nice touch.
"So uh..." Samantha started but stopped, her face turning a bright red.
"Is something the matter?" Bret asked.
"Uh..."
Bret sighed. Samantha felt a little bit more intimidated as his face
took on a very concerned look. "I... well, I know that there's not that
much that I can really do for you. But you know that I'm a friend, and
I'm willing to help you in any way."
"I... uh..." Samantha stammered, looking a bit helpless for the first
time in Bret's memory.
Bret held Samantha out at arms length and looked into her eyes. "It's
okay. You can tell me. Is Vince giving you problems?" Bret could
remember Vince going to some insane lengths to personally torment Eric
(besides the crappy internet posts, of course) when he was on the
Satellite. He bristled at the thought of Vince trying to do *any* of
that stuff to Samantha, especially the thing with the noodles.
"I... I..." She looked like she was trying to force something out. It
*had* to be Vince; if he'd been screwing with her shower...
"I love you, Bret!"
The world of Sailor Moon started to spin around him and he backed up,
staggered by her words as much as a punch in the gut. No; on second
thought, a punch in the gut would have been much easier to deal with.
*****
In the gardens surrounding the castle, two nearly-sworn enemies had been
reduced to impromptu allies. A heavily paint-splattered Mark Calloway
and Kevin Nash stood huddled behind a wall, back-to-back, their weapons
drawn nervously.
"He's comin', man. He's comin', and we're not gonna be able to stop
him," Nash said brokenly, a haunted look in his eye.
"Oh, shut up," Mark growled back at him. "You'll give away our
position."
"TOO LATE FOR THAT! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
A hail of paint bombs descended from above, drenching Mark and Nash
utterly. Ryan lighted on the ground a few feet away. In a sharp contrast
to his targets, he was completely untouched by paint shots. He dived
behind a pillar before Nash and Mark could even begin returning fire.
Ryan grinned to himself as he heard Mark began spewing a series of
blistering curses at him. The big guys were completely out of the game,
now all he had to worry about was...
"I don't forgive... and I don't forget."
Ryan looked up just in time to get pegged in the face with shots of
tempera justice from Steve's semi-automatic paint guns. Of all the
places Ryan had been watching for him, he couldn't believe that he
forgot to watch the tops to the pillars. Still, Ryan was nowhere near as
badly off as Steve, who had already taken more than a few paint bombs.
Ryan was already deeper inside the gardens by the time Steve had gotten
down to give chase.
*****
After an uncomfortably long pause, Bret finally managed to overcome his
shock enough to do something.
"Me?" he finally spoke.
"Yes..." Samantha said, a tear trickling down her cheek. She seemed to
be a little more like her old, assertive self now that she had gotten it
out the first time. "I don't know when it happened, but I know that I
love you!"
"Why?" He winced at the stupidity of that statement as soon as it came
out. In fact, part of him was already screaming at himself for not
sweeping her off her feet right that second and proving just how much he
cared.
"Because of who you are! You're brave, smart, defiant, and nice. Of all
the men aboard, you've never looked at me with anything else but
respect." Tears were coursing down from both eyes now as she stepped
closer to Bret and wrapped her arms around him. "And all of the times
you've helped me... back in the AAA, and just last post when you were
there to give us all strength to finish the fanfic..." Samantha trailed
off, having spoken her mind.
For Bret to have said something along the lines of 'I've loved since the
first time I met you' would have been a blatant lie. He hadn't paid a
lot of attention to her for most of his time at the AAA, and even her
first few days on the Satellite had left him... *wary* of her. She
wasn't entirely human, as he understood the word to mean. He wasn't sure
when it had happened, or even *why*... maybe it was going through the
agony of the post together, or just hormones and proximity (though he
doubted that)... but... at some point in time, he had really gotten to
like the person under the vicious exterior and unnatural powers.
Actually, a bit more than 'like'.
"I never knew... I didn't think you liked *any* of us."
Samantha laughed weakly and looked him straight in the eyes. "You're a
guy, silly! You aren't exactly known for seeing the obvious."
*****
"Here, fanboy..." Steve whispered as he stalked his way into the palace.
He had seen the kid run in there, probably counting on the ceilings and
corridors to save him. Well, Steve thought happily to himself, Ryan had
trapped himself instead, and now it was only a matter of time. He
stalked closer to the what must've been the Palace's main room... some
kind of ballroom or something, he guessed. Right as he began to look
cautiously into the room, he whirled around as he heard a sound behind
him. Steve tensed and pulled his paint gun as he saw Ryan standing
there, with a manic grin on his face and a paint bomb in his hand.
Ducking it was the first thing Steve thought to do...
****
Bret finally wrapped his arms around Samantha and pulled her close,
dangerously close to real happiness for the first time ever since he'd
been locked on Vince's orbiting hell.
"I think... I love you too," he said finally.
They moved closer to each other, hesitant of what they both wanted.
Their lips were just about to touch when suddenly...
**THWA-PAK!!**
Bret nearly staggered over just form the sheer force of the high
velocity object that slammed into his head. He reached his hand up to
the side of his face and felt... paint. Sticky, wet, red *paint*. He
could tell it soaked through his hair and done God-knows-what to his
jacket already.
Steve and Ryan just stepped gingerly into the room and stared numbly at
Samantha and Bret.
Suddenly, an enormous smile dawned on Steve's face. "PINK-BOY'S
SCORING!!" he announced happily to the rest of the Satellite. His grin
got wider as he turned back to Ryan. "And you are soooo dead..."
Ryan glared back at him. "WHAT?! *You're* the one who said it was okay
to be in here!"
"Try to weasel out of it any way you want kid... it's still *your* paint
bomb that ruined *his* night."
As their argument escalated, Nash barged into the ballroom. "SCORING?!
Who? Where?"
"Pink-boy and Sam," Steve replied absently before going back to his
argument with Ryan.
Nash looked at the embarrassed pair out on the ballroom's main floor.
Finally, he gave a mild snort of contempt. "He *is* the kind of guy a
lesbian would go for," he pronounced.
Mark, having walked in shortly after him, could only stare. "Do you have
*any* idea what you just... never mind," he said with a shake of his
head. He knew just how futile it could be to explain *anything* to Kevin
Nash. Instead, he joined in Ryan and Steve's heated argument over
whether or not Ryan could be fairly declared the winner.
Bret was torn between an urge to kill them all and a profound level of
embarrassment. He had to compromise with a weak, resigned sigh as he
looked a bit sheepishly at Samantha. "You wanna go somewhere else and
finish this? I hear the kitchen's really nice this time of night..."
BLIP!!!
\ /
\ /
\ /
0
/ \
/ \
/ \
FWOOOSSHHH!!!
________________________________________________
BORING STUFF: As always, I don't own any of this. ASADAE is property of
Kefka the Dark One. Refer back to my earlier posts; I'm getting lazy.
ABSOLUTELY NO INSULT is intended towards Kefka the Dark One. This is all
done in fun, and should be considered a humorous form of C & C. Please
don't hate me.
LYNX's NOTES: Yes, dammit, I did a romantic MSTing skit. Why? I dunno,
just seemed like a good idea. And it's really hard to find stuff that no
one else has done (I think... watch me be wrong). I'd like to dedicate
this MSTing to the one and only Mick Foley, because at times riffing
this story felt like being chokeslammed onto thumbtacks. Well, the next
one is the big finale of post 104; I hope to see you all there. Ciao!
JOLT's NOTES: Damnit Lynx, you know *exactly* why *we* did that romantic
ending! Bret and Samantha make a great couple and they've both been
through a lot of crap. *sigh* Now if only I could get *myself* a nice
romantic ending in real life... *SNIFF* Oh man... I'm coming apart...
Hang on, I just got some dust in my eyes...
J-BOOGIE's NOTES: Aww, and it was sooooo cute too! Anyway, I don't have
much to say. So, until next part, toodles!
E-mail Lynxara: lynxara@hotmail.com
E-mail Jolt!: xwing@uniserve.com
E-mail J-Boogie: Wholden535@aol.com
________________________________________________________
> "Well if that isn't a buncha crap." snorted Lunarus.
Mystery Wrestling Theater 3000, post 104, final round!
'A Sorcerer, a demon, and Emeralds'
WRITTEN BY: Kefka the Dark One
MSTIED BY: Alicia Ashby, a.k.a Lynxara
CO-MSTIED BY: Jamie Jeans, a.k.a. Jolt!
CO-MSTIED BY: Justin Golden, a.k.a. J-Boogie
Lynx's note: Kefka goes back into the territory he entered in part three
with this one, people... read at your own risk!
JB's note: In fact... read it anyway! We worked our butts off for this for you
people, so you'd better read it! We risked our sanity! Or what's left of it...
Jolt's notes. Be nice JB... or else I'll put ya in that full nelson
again. Enjoy loyal readers!
________________________________________________________________________
Bret staggered into the SON main bridge, hoping he looked better than he
felt. He'd been spending a lot of time talking to Samantha in the
kitchen lately, as that was the only time he could get any privacy in
the Satellite's cramped living conditions. And while waking up with
Samantha in his arms *had* been nice, the kitchen chairs were stinking
uncomfortable.
However, Bret wasn't going to let the fact that Vince was a cheap
bastard ruin today. This was a special occasion, after all... the ending
of that damn Sonic story! As such, Bret had ordered everyone on the
Satellite to come in formal dress for this one. Currently, he was in a
tuxedo, with his hair pulled back.
He heard the other guys walk onto the bridge a few minutes later.
Everyone had complied with his request on clothing, even Ryan. Oddly
enough, though, the teenager was the only one in the group who looked
the least bit happy.
"*I* won. Therefore, I'm your superior, and you have to do it," Ryan
grinned triumphantly.
"No!" the losers shouted back in unison.
"That wasn't part of the deal!" Steve added in sulkily.
"What *else* do you do for someone who's your superior? Just *do* it,"
Ryan commanded (well, at least as well as you can command a bunch of
guys twice your
size).
"No!" Nash shouted. "*I've* had more world titles than you've had pieces
of ass!"
"So has Chris Benoit," Bret added sardonically.
Mark quickly seized on Bret as the de facto authority on the ship to
resolve the question. "Bret, does this kid being our supposed superior
mean that we have to bow before him?" he growled.
"I think that's perfectly reasonable. That, and my title," Ryan
countered.
"He *did* beat you guys," Bret said.
Steve glared back at him. "Oh, like *you* really care! You scored last
night anyway!"
Nash shook his head and sighed to himself. "Sooner or later, somebody's
really gonna have to tell him about Samantha."
"I'm just wondering, Kevin... how do you breathe? Does your brain have
an auto pilot function? Because you really don't seem to be the type who
could multi-task..." Mark trailed off.
Bret almost attempted to explain what actually happened last night,
before a combination of realizing how futile it would be and sheer male
ego stopped him. He decided to let the guys think what they wanted to.
"Look, I think what Ryan is asking you three to do is fair, so just go
ahead and get it over with."
"Yes... it's time to BOW BEFORE ME! BWAHAHAHAHA!!"
"Yes, *Ryan*," the irate wrestlers growled as they kow-towed.
"Ryan *what*?"
"Ryan-megamisama," they added through gritted teeth.
"Um... why are the guys calling Ryan their goddess?" a feminine voice
quietly whispered in Bret's ear. He started, and then nearly sprouted
the cliché anime nosebleed when he saw it was Samantha...
... in an *amazing* black evening gown.
Samantha smiled when she got the desired reaction. "I'm sorry it took me
so long. These things are nearly impossible to put on."
"I'll take your word for it," he replied rather lamely. Of course, that
wasn't nearly as embarrassing as what he was really thinking...
"Guys, that's enough," Bret said in an attempt to reclaim his composure.
"If I'm correct, it's about time for Mr. and the former Mrs. Laupin to
be calling."
On cue, the incoming post klaxons went off, and the Viewscreen lit up as
it received the transmission from Titan 13. As usual, Vince McMahon and
Rocky Maivia were standing in front of the Deus Ex Machina. T 13 and the
Rock's treasured Intercontinental title had been fully repaired since
last week's attack. "Good morning, Public Enemy," Vince grinned at them.
"Hiya, Vince," Bret replied brightly.
Vince's evil grin faded a bit as he saw a distinct lack of fear in his
charge's faces. In fact, the Hitman appeared to be pulling out a bottle
of chilled champagne and a pair of glasses.
"Tell me, what's with the penguin suits?" Vince began suspiciously.
"Look, Evil Underpants, this is the last part of ASADAE. You can never
- possibly* show any of us a fanfic this bad ever again. So we figure,
everything's going to be smooth sailing from here," Bret smiled happily
as he poured himself and Samantha a glass.
"Ah... don't *we* get any?" Steve asked.
"No," Bret replied.
"Why not?!"
"None of you have breasts."
"Oh. Well, that's fair enou-- HEY!"
Vince, meanwhile, was fighting back the urge to gag as he saw Bret and
Samantha twine arms, drain their glasses, and then snuggle disgustingly
close together. "Look, Rocky, the boobies are mating," Vince muttered to
his sidekick.
"Well, they do make a cute couple, Boss Man," Rocky shrugged.
"Yes. Remind me to job you to Bombastic Bob sometime soon."
"Gotcha, Boss," the Rock replied... then blanched as he realized what
Vince said.
Vince glared into the Viewscreen. "Well, without further ado, let me
present..." He was suddenly interrupted by a loud sound similar to
crackling electricity and a flash of bright light behind him. Vince
whirled around just in time to see his greatest nemesis staring back at
him.
"You!" Vince exclaimed in surprise. "How can you be back?!"
"Fortunately, TV's Frank is dumber than giving Kane a world title," Eric
Bischoff grinned darkly back at his rival CEO. Eric pulled an oddly
glowing microphone out of his jacket pocket and added, "Now, me and you
need to have a little *talk*."
Vince suddenly smiled as well as he pulled his silvery power crystal out
of his suit's pocket. "I always knew it would eventually come down to
this... I had hoped to have some more time to torment you before your
eventual demise, upstart. But it's all the same to me..." a hellish
battle aura manifested itself around Vince. "... I WILL FLAY THE FLESH
FROM YOUR BONES, MORTAL!!"
Surprisingly, Eric managed to manifest a white power aura of his own.
"When first we met, I was merely the student... but now, I am the
- master*! In the name of Ted Turner, I will punish you!"
And with that, the ultimate battle of Good and Evil... well, Moral
Ambiguity and Moral Ambiguity... began. Rocky was forced to dive out
of the way as the mighty battle shook the very foundations of Titan
13, stray energy blasts and misplaced power attacks tearing the newly
remodeled place apart.
On the SON, Mark stared at the screen in dismay. "I really have no idea
who to cheer for."
"KILL VINCE! KILL VINCE!" Samantha and Bret began chanting in unison.
"Well, Eric did actually wrestle a match once..." Kevin began.
"Only you could call that *wrestling*," Steve shot bitterly back .
"Like *you* have a right to talk. His match was better than yours!"
"At least *I* showed up!"
Ryan sighed, and suddenly found himself wishing for the predictable calm
of Hentai Space.
In T 13, Rocky had begun frantically searching through a rolodex while
the battle raged on in the background. "Let's see... what to do, what to
do... here we go! 'What the Rock should do in case Vince is locked in
deadly combat with his arch-nemesis... have Pip send up the movie.'
Okay! Hey, Pip..." Rocky yelled as he wandered out of the Viewscreen's
range.
"Pip? What, he's gonna get the British kid from South Park?" Nash
snorted derisively. He almost thought he was right when he heard a
vaguely British accent float in as the Rock brought 'Pip' in.
No one on the SON was prepared for what they saw.
Samantha, Bret, and Steve all simultaneously shrieked in horror and
backed furiously away from the screen. Nash and Mark could only stare at
the Viewscreen in slack-jawed amazement. Ryan just stared at the screen
in amazement. "Aww, it's... what is it?"
"It's a bunny," Mark said rather flatly.
"I, Mr. Calloway, am a Zoot... a symbiotic life form that only happens
to resemble a lagomorph. You may call me Pippkin," it smiled rather
disturbingly into the camera.
"So you're a bunny *suit*," Nash said.
"Far, far more than that," Pippkin smirked. "Just ask your dear friend
Ms. Jones."
Kevin turned to see Samantha, Bret, and Steve huddled defensively in one
of the corners near the theater's doors. Actually, Steve and Bret were
- behind* Samantha, whose eyes were blazing nearly white.
"You... what you made me do..." she hissed.
"I'm so glad you remember me," the Zoot smiled cruelly back at her. "But
for the moment, I'm afraid I'm still recuperating from the... *injuries*
you and your little friends inflicted on me back in the Author Avatar
Arena. Fortunately, I've gotten the most wonderful job helping Vince run
his little show while he attends to crushing your souls.
I just got done making Dustin Runnels into a born-again Christian heel!
But on to the business at hand..."
"... as you well know, your fanfic today is one of the most evil pieces
of literature to be spawned by the Internet's fanfic archives. It is the
sixth and final chapter of 'A sorceror, a demon, and Emeralds', cheerily
entitled 'I'll Make You Bleed'. I really need to get in touch with this
'Kefka' person sometime. Reading this will destroy your very minds,
Fauna Force... so TTFN, kiddies, and BITE DOWN HARD!" The rabbit added
in some chilling evil laughter as he hit the Button.
"That was *really* good!" Rocky exclaimed to Pippkin.
"Why thank you, Rock," Pippkin replied graciously. In the background,
more vicious explosions could be heard as the battle began spilling into
T 13's back corridors.
On the SON, the Satellite's frightened and confused members began
calming down and preparing for the final ASADAE post. "Pippkin and
- McMahon* together..." Steve
could only shudder at the thought.
"But that explains a lot that's been happening around here lately,
doesn't it?" Bret said grimly. "Are you okay?" he made a point of asking
Samantha.
"I still don't see why everyone's making such a big deal out of a damn
bunny suit," Nash grumbled.
"I'm fine," she sighed as she powered down. "God, I'm almost looking
forward to the post now."
"Well, that's probably a good thing..." Ryan commented dryly as the
lights and buzzers went off.
"... CAUSE WE'VE GOT KEFKA SIIIIIIIGN!!"
[DOOR SEQUENCE 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...]
[All enter the Satellite and begin to take their usual seats...]
BRET: Hey, Mark, swap out with me.
MARK [grumbling]: Fine. I'll just go sit with the perverts. I wouldn't
do this for just *anyone*, you know.
SAMANTHA: We appreciate your sacrifice, Mark.
NASH: Look, we're not *that* bad...
RYAN: What do you mean by 'we'?
STEVE: Let's just focus on the fanfic, people... I've got a bad feeling
about this.
>Content-ID: <0_14300_878697401@emout07.mail.aol.com.203023>
>Content-type: text/plain
RYAN: Content-texture: Feels rough and goes down rough.
SAMANTHA: Content-excrement: CRAP!!!
>
>Whooo those death Threats are gettin' really bad! ^_^
MARK: Listen to them... go away... go FAR away...
BRET [suspiciously]: Samantha...
SAMANTHA: What?! I didn't do anything! Well, at least not *yet*...
RYAN: Yeah, that was my fault. Think it was too much to threaten him
with a cheese grater and lemon juice?
>Hey Thanks for puttin' it up man!
>do you think you can be a bit cruel with the Description?
MARK [grinning]: Well, he *did* ask for it!
RYAN: Let's see, Kefka is a mentally deficient wanker who has to degrade
a well loved character into his fiendish, evil ideas. That good enough
for ya, freak boy?!
>I just love em!
BRET <Reader>: Just like I like Hanson and licking electric
transformers!
SAMANTHA: If this is someone's letter then I think I'm gonna be sick.
How could anyone *like* the description?!
>
>
RYAN: (claps) Best two lines of this whole series!
>oh and how the heck when you post em do you keep the text Lines from
>scrolling all the way to the right?
NASH: One word, kid... *blackmail*.
SAMANTHA: Easy, you e-mail yourself the story and then save it as a text
file.
RYAN: Or stop being lazy and press enter after each sentence.
>Do you reformat the story? working on my
>own little page.
STEVE: Am I the only one who's picturing a Satanic version of Foxfire
Studios?
>
>Oh and do you think you could add an E-mail link for Rocky?
BRET: Rmaivia@nation.org.
RYAN <Kefka as Bullwinkle>: Hey Rocky, watch me pull crapfic out of my
ass!
>like ya did blade?
MARK: I never really thought of Bookshire Draftwood as the *type* to
blade...
>her E-mail addie is..
>M.Roxane@mailexcite.com
SAMANTHA: Oh man, that *was* a letter to the author!
RYAN <singing>: Roxanne Roxanne... [pauses] That was an actual letter to
the author? And this person LIKED the descriptions?! The world is
suddenly a darker place...
>
>Thanks!
NASH: You're welcome! Can we go now?
>
>--Metal
>Content-ID: <0_14300_878697401@emout07.mail.aol.com.203024>
>Content-type: text/plain;
SAMANTHA: Like I said, content: CRAP!
> name="ASADAE6.TXT"
>
>DUE TO SOME VIOLENT AND LEWD CONTENTS,
STEVE: ... 'Some'? That's like saying their was *some* swearing in
'Goodfellas'.
>A FOREWARNING HAS
>BEEN GIVEN
SAMANTHA: Do not read under penalty of law.
>This Story Contains the Following Sexual contents...
>M&M rape.......x3
RYAN: Now I'm hungry...
BRET: Dammit, Kefka, can't you even leave a good *candy* out of this?
SAMANTHA: Bret... I don't think that's what he meant...
BRET: Oh. [dawning realization] Oh my God...
SAMANTHA: [kisses him on the cheek] It'll be okay, dear.
RYAN: Ah-HA! I KNEW Kefka was a closet Yaoi lover!
NASH: Dammit! I hate having to watch guys do it!
MARK [stares at Nash]: That implies you've done it before...
STEVE: ...and if I die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take...
>
>M&F rape........x2
SAMANTHA: So there are five rape scenes... So much for Kefka becoming a
RYAN: (breaks out laughing) Yeah right! If you ever see the words
'respectable' and 'writer' in any sentence with 'Kefka', it's the end of
the world!
>
>This story contains the following acts of violence.....
BRET: Implying that rape is somehow *not* violent?
>
>man (skunk) slaughter.......x1
RYAN <Sonic>: Who wants Skunk haggis?!
>graphic Battles......x? (I lost count)
SAMANTHA: He lost count? You know, were I not already hardened by my
past MSTing experience, I would be fearing the imminent loss of my
sanity right about now.
RYAN: Aww, it's not as bad as it seems. You just kinda go blank.
SAMANTHA: Really?
>
>A Sorcerer, A Demon,
NASH <singing>: And a partridge.
>And Emeralds
>=[]Part 6: "I'll Make You Bleed..."[]=
SAMANTHA: Give to the Red Cross.
RYAN: Hey look! He's trying to use emoticons!
STEVE: Yeah, well I give him a :-P
BRET: I like ^_^
SAMANTHA: Aww, how cute... [draws Bret in for a long kiss]
NASH: (stands up and turns around) Well, I give him a (drops trow) (_|_)
RYAN: (presses a glowing hand against Nash's head) Pull up your pants
and sit down before I blast you unconscious.
NASH: Ha! Then you'd be doing me a favor!
MARK: NASH! PANTS! NOW! Or I'll be forced to send you on a little trip
to one of my *favorite* hangouts...
NASH: Oh, all right. [Gets back in seat, pants firmly back on] Jeez, you
people need to lighten up.
STEVE: Kevin, man, you *have* been reading the same fanfic we have,
right?
>
>=[]Written by:[]=
MARK <cheesy announcer voice>: The only man on Earth whose writing makes
you miss David Gonterman...
RYAN: ... AND Oscar.
> The not so World Famous Kefka The Dark One <aka> The Metal Sonic
SAMANTHA: Hey... maybe his ego ain't so big after all!
>(I Love
>being called Tin Can!)
STEVE: I love being the dark warrior with a voice of silence and a
mission of justice. EXACTLY HOW DOES THIS MATTER?!
BRET: Stay calm, Steve! We're not even in the story yet!
STEVE: Like I said, I have a bad feeling about this...
>And Introducing another Great Co-author. . .
NASH: ... the one and only ADOLF HITLER!! Give him a hand, folks!
>The one and only Numbat you've seen in "When Innocence is Lost" . . .
MARK: Ten bucks says we end up reading that.
BRET: No bet!
>Roxane Myers <aka> Rocky Imma Numbat
RYAN: So, Rocky's calling himself a Numbat, right?
SAMANTHA: The hell...?!?! Who *are* these people?
MARK: People who seem to need to be committed to a sanitarium.
>
>=[]Copyrights and so on:[]=
STEVE <Kefka>: ...oh, just forget it! Like you'll be able to recognize
any of them!
>Sonic the Hedgehog, Miles "Tails" Prowers,
>Dr. Ivo Robotnik, Knuckles Echidna and all Other Characters are
registered
>trademark Characters of Sega Of America And Dic. (C)
NASH: 'All'? So DIC and Sega own *everything*?
SAMANTHA: DIC, I swear that if you make Haruka into a man, I'm going to
make you *extremely* sorry... [eyes blaze white and hands crackle with
Ki]
MARK: And if they do, you Canadians will be the only ones to suffer
through it! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!
BRET: Yeah, well *we've* still got Dave Sim while *you've* got Rob
Liefeld.
>1997 Sonya Sho
>Eiji/Robotnik, Locy Hottovy, Lunarus, And anyone else you don't
>recognize
STEVE: ... are probably just another bunch of half-assed Mobius
self-insertion characters. Fortunately, in this story, everyone except
for Sonic is totally useless!
>that was in the other stories are copyrighted by Alex Arellano and
>Elizabeth Ramirez.
SAMANTHA: Nash, I don't care what you say about Sean Connery's
character, Ramirez had *style*!
NASH: No, no, no! Ramirez was the best *thing* about the Highlander
movies! It was Connor that ruined them, the damn Frenchie wussy...
>(C) 1997 Mike,
MARK: ...Enos?
>Josh,
BRET: ... Weinstein?
>And Mac
NASH: Yeah! Duncan!
>are Copyrighted by
>SkyMog12 (C) 1997 Traveler, or TR the White Wolf are Copyrighted by
>TROBBINS
ALL: Hob-trobbins, hob-trobbins, what can you do with those
hob-trobbins...
>(C)1997 Final Fantasy 2,3,7, Chrono Trigger Spells, Anything
>relating to these games are trademark names by SquareSoft of America
>And anywhere else they're god-like wisdom has touched.
STEVE: Should I take a cheap shot at the fanfic? Nah, I'll save those
for later.
RYAN: Then let me. And unfortunately, that god-like wisdom is tainted by
evil. This story for example.
>(www.squaresoft.com)
>The Soul Eater
MARK: Public education?
RYAN: Hey, when'd the teletubbies get into this?
>is a trademark of Konami. (C)1996 (www.konami.com)
SAMANTHA: Yeah yeah yeah... just get on with the story already!!!
RYAN: You want to read it that badly?
SAMANTHA: No. Just that the sooner it's done, the sooner we get out of
here.
>
>=[]Brief Summary[]=
SAMANTHA: Okay... [takes a deep breath]
BRET: Don't.
>The Dark One is not pleased over recent information
NASH: ... that four wrestlers, a chick, and a teenager riffed the hell
out of his story.
>about an old rival
SAMANTHA: ... buyin' him out.
>destroying his factories and decides to take things
>into his own clawed hands.
STEVE: Why? He can make it with anyone he wants to! And he'd really need
to be careful about those claws...
SAMANTHA: Yeah, one wrong move and he would have sliced wiener in his
hands.
>The First ever story through the eyes of
>the villain in my series!
MARK: Oh, I see! This is when we find out that Dark Sonic is actually a
very reasonable and compassionate character, misunderstood because of
his unique personal code of honor!
RYAN: That makes about as much sense as Castro freeing Cuba. Oh, wait,
the same could be said about this whole series...
>plenty of the stuff that sells
BRET: Kefka, you sell like the Ultimate Warrior in a bad mood.
SAMANTHA: Sells? This is the internet, bub, you can't *sell* stories on
the net unless they're books.
>and a few twists and turns.
>
>=[]SPECIAL NOTE[]= OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO PUT SOMEONE IN THE
>CREDITS FOR "When Innocence is Lost" !!
NASH: MY GOD, NO! THE UNIMAGINABLE HORROR!
SAMANTHA: Oh, just forget them. It means that we'll have less people to
track down and hurt once this series is over. [thinks about it for a
moment] On second thought, go right ahead and put those credits up...
[takes out a notepad and pen]
>Ack! I can't belive I forgot!
STEVE: ACK! I can't believe you think we care!
>UGH anyway so
>as a serious "I AM SO SORRY!!" I decided to Credit her in this story.
>For She gave me many ideas for WIIL.
MARK: Woodchucks II Llamas?
>I'd Like to Thank Jessalyn Alany <aka>
>Miyu For helpping me out! man she's got this great Story and like
should
SAMANTHA: [Is writing down the names as they are shown]
RYAN: So he's got a Vampire Princess helping him out. Hey! If we're
lucky, she'll kill him!
>show it off~! it's way SUPER! and I hope she replies so I can get
>permission to Put it on my web page.....which leads me to...
BRET: ... absolutely nowhere, I'm guessing.
>
>=[]SECOND SPECIAL NOTE[]=
[ Everyone is tossed out of their seats at the huge bass of the title
and climb back into their seats.]
SAMANTHA: Ouch... Would someone *please* turn down the bass?
NASH: The audience is now deaf...
RYAN: WHAT WAS THAT?!?!
>
>Well Well Lookie here!! I got meself a web page!!
STEVE <hick>: You ain't frum around here, areya, boy?
SAMANTHA: Visited by all three of his fans.
>A Sorcerer, A Demon, And
>Emeralds. now has an offical Web page!
MARK: Good God, it is a Satanic version of Foxfire Studios!
BRET: Maybe we could get Kefka and Gonterman to destroy each other in a
cataclysmic flame war.
RYAN: Anybody want to help me create a boot to the head virus?
>It's just being created (by me
>heh) and it'll take a while to get it totally set up
NASH <Kefka>: I'm still trying to find a decent couch and a coffee maker
for it.
>(By the end of this year I hope)
SAMANTHA: Or never, if we have our way.
>If you're bored feel free to drop on down!
RYAN: <Bob Barker> Come on down!
STEVE: I won't be that bored until I'm dead!
MARK: Even then, there's more interesting stuff to do.
>
>http://sonotropolis.simplenet.com/FrameSet1.html
RYAN: I've heard recently that simplenet sucks.
>
>If there's like anything special you'd like to see there...
RYAN: Sure! My foot kicking your ass!
SAMANTHA: Yeah, a good story!
>E-mail me. The
>following are what will be placed there...
BRET <Kefka>: Cabbages! Lots and lots of cabbages!
>
>1) Links....lotta em.
NASH: Oh, I bet he'll have a link to www.evil.com! Serving all your Evil
needs since 1994.
>2) Final Fantasy stuff (wavs, pics, stories...etc)
STEVE: Let me guess. Cloud Strife gets possessed by the Black Materia of
Evil
and goes on a raping and killing rampage.
RYAN: You just hadda go and say it, didn't you...
>3) ASADAE stuff (pics, wavs that people keep nagging go with the story,
>profiles.)
SAMANTHA: Oh yeah! Give me those pics and profiles of Sonic raping and
killing people! Can't get enough of that!
MARK: Hmmm... what would be a good soundtrack for ASADAE?
BRET: Something evil and vapid... Marilyn Manson, I think.
RYAN: Or anything by Michael Bolton.
>4) Sonic stuff...(LOTTA wavs, got some of the game wavs there,
>Pics..etc) 5) if I get the chance...some HTML tricks...
NASH <Bullwinkle>: Hey Rocky! Watch me pull a banner out of my hat!
>Java Included.. (i'm just learning)
RYAN: <Kefka> Yeah, so don't pay attention to any subliminal messages...
oops.
SAMANTHA: Yuck! I hate Java! Screws Netscape to hell and back.
>6) story updates and a fanfiction section open for
>all those who want to write mature stories
STEVE: 'Mature'? Kefka, this stuff is about as mature as a Penthouse
letter!
>but need a place for em...write me.
SAMANTHA: Just don't get your screen sticky, Kefka!
BRET: Now that was a low blow.
SAMANTHA: This whole series feels like a low blow.
MARK: In that it should be illegal? Yes.
>I hope to add a few more things....Anyone got some ideas?
ALL: GET ON WITH IT!!
>write to MetalSonic@AOL.com
>
>But for now..WOW neat Main page huh? ^_^ oh this place is in Frames so
>Like Get Netscape (blah)
SAMANTHA: How much longer is this guy gonna take? I can feel my hair
graying as it is!
NASH: Geez, I'll be old enough to get into the main events back home by
the time this gets done...
>or IE 2.0 or higher (yay!!) if I'm fast enough (I
>got only 2 hours per weekday of school till January 3rd...Winter
>school..blah should have passed those classe s.) I'll be able to have
>time to create a non-frame version...now for the...
>
>=[]/Main/Author's Note[]=
RYAN: [has already fallen asleep and is snoring loudly]
STEVE: ARGH! Kefka's writing headers for his headers now!
SAMANTHA: At least the bass was turned down on this one.
>
>Okay Okay calm down Folks! I know it took a while. I know. I know!!
MARK: Then hurry it up and get us to the rapefest!
>In the past time I have gotten a total of 165 E-mails and out of those
>only 5 were Flames
RYAN: [wakes up with a snort] Only five?! I damn remember sending fifty
of those things out!
BRET <Kefka>: People love me! They do, dammit, they do!
SAMANTHA: Bull *BLEEP*! I highly doubt that there were less then five
flames you received! And why are you even writing this? You got
something to prove?
>so I gathered a few of you rather enjoy the series.
NASH: Yeah, these two guys named Lenny and Bob who live in North Dakota.
They get pretty bored, so they write *lots* of e-mail...
>This one
>is small...ACK!! PUT DOWN THE PITCH FORKS AND TORCHES!!
SAMANTHA: Don't forget the katanas...
STEVE: And baseball bats...
RYAN: And tactical nuclear weapons!
>It's good!!
[Everyone fights hard not to laugh.]
>Trust me, I had writers block for a month
MARK: Maybe the Muses were trying to *tell* you something, Kefka...
>but with one day offa school
>(*ahem* Claimed sick)
RYAN: Alright! We've got something bad on Kefka!
MARK: Ryan, this story is something bad on Kefka.
RYAN: Yeah, but we can get him in trouble for playing hooky...
> I created basicly the main plot of the story as
>well as harassed my friends with my evil side to no end!
SAMANTHA: Not to mention us.
RYAN: That's funny. To say you have an evil side means that you have a
good side.
MARK: Well, we know THAT'S not true.
>My Co-author had been
>punished from the PC,
BRET: Thank god *someone's* parents have some sense!
>that explains her tardiness but it wasn't her
>fault. After a grooling month of Death Threats (no kidding I got them
to
>finish the Story!)
SAMANTHA: Finish the story, as in, kill it... right?
>We had finally finished it....TA DA!!
NASH <Kefka>: Look, ma! No pants!
OTHERS: AHHH!!!
>The next one shouldn't
>take as long (I hope) I've wasted enough of your time.....Let's KICK IT
>SONIC!
SAMANTHA: At least he didn't steal Jamie's opening line this time.
STEVE: Bret, make your girlfriend watch the friggin' fourth wall!
BRET: Look, it wasn't *that* bad...
>
>And It Begins...
SAMANTHA: Our trek through hell...
MARK: MORTAL KOMBAT!!
>
> The Cold Air rushed through the midnight sky of Sonotropolis; a
>crescent moon glittered down at the
SAMANTHA: ... City of Tokyo as Sailor Moon and the rest of the Senshi
hopped into action against the forces of evil!
RYAN: Don't bring the Senshi in... with our luck they'd be captured and
raped before the third paragraph.
>corrupted wasteful land of metal and grime.
NASH: Ah, Detroit.
>In the heart of the town was the Citadel of Sonic.
STEVE: ... right next to Crazy Ed's Ragin' Burgers!
>The Dark
>Overlord of all his magic touched, and all his ey es could view.
SAMANTHA: Uh... hmmm... wha...?
BRET <Sonic>: Jeez! I'm totally omniscient, and there's *still* nothing
on!
>He waited in his room filled with sexual tortures.
MARK <UT voice>: Nude pictures of Cologne and Dusty Rhodes... TOGETHER!!
BWAHAHAHAHA!
RYAN: [holds his head] AARRGGHH!! BAD MENTAL PICTURE!! MY HEAD!!
>He waited for his
>*gift's* delivery unto his hungry hands....
SAMANTHA: For he had been waiting thirty minutes for that pizza and if
he didn't get it soon, the pizza boy was getting *no* tip from him!
NASH <Sonic>: I *will* have my complimentary two liters of Pepsi!
> Moments after Sonic's bellowing for them to quicken the capture;
>two sniveling guards rushed in holding a scared and sobbing female
>skunk no older than 15.
RYAN: Great, now he's going into statutory rape. Kefka, you sick
bastard!
STEVE: Damn it, first Oscar, and now this! Can't *anyone* leave Fifi
LaFume alone?
SAMANTHA: The first of many rape scenes brought to you by Kefka...
>Sonic's eyes flared
SAMANTHA: Some Visine will help that.
BRET: Ooh, heat vision! But can he see through stuff?
>for a moment at the hideous species
>that was brought to him for his 'treat'.
MARK <Sonic>: I *distinctly* asked for a passenger pigeon!!
NASH <guard>: But sir, there aren't...
> Her figure and atrocious odor and coloring brought back memories of
>yester years; a rivalry of an old enemy.....of a Skunk.
STEVE <Sonic>: Damn that Pepe... always stealing away my beloved
Penelope...
BRET: What does Chavo's horse have to do with this?
>"HOW DARE YOU BRING ME....
NASH <Sonic>: ... MARGARINE INSTEAD OF BUTTER!!
>This..creature!"
> "Forgive us milord Sonic." One of the guards managed to whimper.
>"She 'twas the best we could find at the moment m'lord..."
SAMANTHA: Then call a dating service, for crying out loud!!! [blushes] I
think this story is beginning to get to me.
MARK: No, you're still within the bounds of good taste.
RYAN: Yeah. Bad taste would be something like- <Guard> Of course, if
you're no longer picky, we can take over that convent.
NASH: <Sonic> Oh, too late, I did that last Thursday.
SAMANTHA: Thanks, guys! I feel clean already!
RYAN: You're wel- HEY!!
> "You will get me another and soon or it will not be she whom I bed
>this night..."
BRET: Gah... Oscar flashbacks...
>The guard's eyes widen with fear and he slowly backed
>away with his comrade.
SAMANTHA: This is going to give homosexuals a bad name.
RYAN: Nah, I think Sonic's an omnisexual.
BRET: A what?
RYAN: He sees everything and beds everything.
>"Leave her...here.." They dropped the skunk and left
>Sonic. "Though your species brings me much
> hate...
STEVE <Sonic>: ... and figgy pudding...
>I would not deprive you the pleasure of feeling me...."
NASH <Skunk>: No, no, that's quite all right...
SAMANTHA: Remind me to pound on Tuxedo Chris once we get down from here.
He acts the same way Sonic does.
RYAN: Doesn't he just keep women around as trophies and never actually
DOES anything to them?
SAMANTHA: It's still against their will.
RYAN: Hmm, good point.
>His evil smile widened.
> The female shook her head and began to cry loudly.
MARK <female, whiny>: I don't *wanna* have sex with the evil hedgehog!
>"N...no....Please no..." Sonic picked her up from the ground and threw
>her onto the bed.
BRET: Three pointer!
>"Now...Spray once and I shoves more them myself inside
>you....Is that understood?"
[Steve looks ill, glances down at his baseball bat, sighs, and then
tosses it across the theater]
>The Girl nodded and quietly co ntinued her
>tears; feeling sonic slowly begin his mounting.
SAMANTHA: He tossed the saddle over her back and tightened the straps,
making sure that he would not fall off... [stops and sighs] Now I'm
beginning to sound like Nash.
NASH: Actually, I would've done something a bit more like this... 'He
mounted slowly, but he rode hard and fast!'
STEVE: On second thought, I think I'm going to need that... [retrieves
bat]
>Sonic rocked with force;
MARK: ... but he rolled with *style*!
>not even moaning, not really think of his actions; his mind was
>somewhere else....
BRET <Sonic>: How *do* they cram all that gram?
>the past....the past of anger and hate......
NASH: Instead of the happy-shiny present, right?
> The memories of his fights against Geoffrey St. John ....A fight
>for the love of Princess Sally...how many times she tried to make him
>jealous of the older skunk...
RYAN <Sally>: [giggles] Oh Geoffrey, you stink so well!
> oh but he's shown her now hasn't he? Oh
>Yes...He's taken what he wanted from Sally and now
> she was his....For eight Long years she was his; continuously.
STEVE: Sonic eventually got a little winded from all that.
SAMANTHA: Sonic has a possession problem, doesn't he?
RYAN: I gathered that, yeah.
>Now his
>toy was gone from his possession.
MARK <UT voice>: But he would *have* his binky again... oh, yes...
>His thrusting increased...harder and
>rapidly; making the girl squeal out from the pain. "Yes, Princess
>Sally," He hissed at the girl with blank eye s "I'll take you back into
my
>possession,
BRET: Sonic's becoming Repo Man!!
WRESTLERS: NOOOOOO!!
>and I'll take Tails as mines too."
RYAN [opens his mouth, then thinks for a minute]: Nah, I've made enough
Sonic ebonics jokes. Hey, that rhymed!
SAMANTHA <Evil Witch>: I'll get you my pretty! And your little dog too!
>He thrusted harder; making
>the girl howl with suffering. "Shut up..." He hissed to the girl and
>thrusted harder. His eyes now flaring red with the rage of more than
>10 years.
NASH: Look! Sonic can do your trick too!
SAMANTHA: Shut up! You've been pointing that out since Part 1!
>"S hut up you bitch!! ...I'll make you pay for the pain you made
>me feel!!!...
STEVE <Sonic>: I'll take check or money order!
>How does it feel, Sal, huh? What you gave to me mentally I'll
>give to you physically a thousand folds more!
MARK: Fold, staple, spindle, AND mutiliate! BWAHAHAHAHA!!
NASH: Ew! *I* think that's sick!
>I'll make you bleed,
>bitch! I'll make you bleed..."
SAMANTHA <deadpan>: Gee, we have a title...
>he rocked harder on the girl
BRET: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
OTHERS: NO!!
>and began to spill within.
STEVE <weakly>: I don't suppose some paper towels would get that up,
would they?
>The girl shrieked at the fiery liquid entering her and finally
>collapsed into a nightmarish sleep. "You're a bitch, Sally...Nothing
>but a bitch..."
MARK <singing>: I'm a bitch, I'm a lover, I'm a child, I'm a mother...
RYAN: Well, I'll give it to Sonic, at least he didn't call her a c--
[glances at Samantha] er, the *C* word.
NASH: What *C* word?
RYAN: For fear of my life, I ain't saying.
>He growled sleepily and fell into a deep sleep; dreaming of
>the torment he'll bring to the Princess of Mobius.
SAMANTHA: While we dream of the torment we're going to inflict on Kefka
once we get our hands on his scrawny little... [mimes choking a neck]
>
> * * *
>
> The next 'day' the Dark one rose up with the girl gone from his
>bed,
BRET: Oh, one of those hentai disposable girls. How convenient.
>blood stains covering the sheets, and warm feeling between his
>legs.
RYAN: I'd pay good money for him to look down and find out it's a
blowtorch doing that.
> His only true remembrance of the dark pleasure he experienced. He got
>out of bed and clothed himself; a black pair
> of pants, deep purple slit shirt, a cape and boots...his normal attire
now.
SAMANTHA: Normal, for a psychotic evil despot, that is.
NASH: Or a really fruity pirate.
>He went down to the meeting hall where his most 'trusted' advisors
>lie within.
STEVE: Harpo, Chico, Groucho, and Zeppo.
>
>
>
> * * *
>
>
>
> Charles, Amy Rose, Bunny, and Dulcy were in their own little
>conference while they waited for the Dark One to appear. "He won't be
>pleased over this..." Mumbled Amy.
SAMANTHA <Amy>: I mean, I'm late for the taping of the fifth season!
> "Indeed, but who will be the one to inform him?" Ask Bunny.
MARK <Bunny>: Do we have any redshirts left?
>They all turned to Chuck who only folded his ears back.
SAMANTHA: Ah-hah! The cannon fodder!
> "No...I'm not going to speak to him about this...He'll beat me! He
>will r...r..rape me again..." Charles backed away a bit; shaking.
BRET: *Again*?! Sonic and UNCLE FRIGGIN' CHUCK?!
SAMANTHA: YIKES! Oh man, Kefka has gone *too* far now!
MARK: There *IS* no such thing as too far with Kefka...
RYAN [shaking slightly]: I can handle this... I've gone through 3 CATS
lemons, a tentacle fic, and Tsunai... I CAN handle this...
> "You're going to have to Chuck...
NASH <Bunny>: You'll just have to choke it down!
OTHERS: SHUT UP!!
>we can't tell him...we can't risk
>being...the Returners would pull us out..."
SAMANTHA: Being what? Cannon fodder? Important to the story? Rebel
spies? Come on! Give us some details!
> "B....but..."
> "Please..." Replied Bunny.
STEVE <Bunny>: Please go and be the one to have horrible incestuous acts
performed upon you by your evil nephew. Pretty please?
> "............v-very well.....but I don't know how I'm going
>to...~"
SAMANTHA: Tell Sonic? Easy, by getting on your hands and knees and
begging him to not kill you.
MARK: I have a feeling he'll definitely end up on his hands and knees...
BRET <sickly>: You're NOT helping any, Mark.
>his reply was cut short when the dark one busted in.
SAMANTHA: Eww!!! Would someone get a mop?
>The Dark one planted himself on his throne and
SAMANTHA: Ordered his underlings to bring him plenty of water and expose
him to the sun lots.
NASH <Sonic>: Miracle-Gro, damn you! I WILL HAVE MIRACLE-GRO!
>stared at the others who bowed before
>him. "Well then," Sonic gleamed.
STEVE: Sonic had polished himself up nice and shiny!
>"What's the report? Good news...for
>YOUR sake I hope..." chuckled Sonic. There was no reply; Sonic looked up at
>them and glared. The Ra bbot pushed Chuck to Sonic lightly.
MARK <Bunny>: Go on, honey. Walk to daddy!
> "S...s..Sir..." Squeaked out Charles. "I'm fearful to
>r-report..it's undesirable information."
BRET <Chuck>: We *know* what they put in Slim Jims.
> "Then prepare dear Uncle..."
RYAN <darkly>: Prepare yourself...
NASH <Chuck>: All right, let me get my knee pads...
STEVE: Another one like that and I *WILL* be forced to kill you.
>Sonic rose up and moved closer to
>him. "Tell me the dilemma..."
SAMANTHA <Chuck>: Well the stock market has dropped an average of twelve
points, bringing down the net value of your shares. If we sell now, we
can keep not only keep from losing money, but earn at least a 20 percent
profit!
> "Well sir..." Chuck licked his dry lips slightly; trying to find
>the correct words. Sonic took note of his lick and found it quite
>arousing.
MARK: Wow. I'm already *dead* and I'm losing my will to live.
SAMANTHA: Whatever, Sonic. <darkly> Just keep digging that grave of
yours deeper, Kefka...
RYAN: What's he at? 80 feet?
>He knew even after the information was delivered he'd have his
>uncle. Be it good news or bad, would depend on ho w painful...
NASH: Look, this is gonna hurt no matter *how* Kefka does it.
>"Sire, Sector 7 was destroyed..."
SAMANTHA: In the complete rip off of Final Fantasy 7!
BRET: We knew he was gonna get to it sooner or later.
>Sonic's eyes flashed a deeper red for a moment
>and his thoughts of sexual pleasure turned to torture.
STEVE: I hope that's not how it works with her, for your sake.
BRET: Steve, shut up.
>Chuck backed away slightly.
MARK: *Slightly*?! RUN, DAMN YOU! RUN!
> "By..whom?" Sonic asked in his most softest and there by far more
>dangerous voice.
> "...Geoffrey St. John."
SAMANTHA: Man, that pope sure can cause a lot of trouble!
> "Oh Charles..." Whispered Sonic. The Dark one looked at the others
>and they knew when to take the hint and leave.
NASH <others>: Yup, it looks about like it's time for the Yaoi scene.
We'll just mosey along now...
>When they were gone
>Sonic walked back to Charles and smiled. "This....annoys me you know that
>uncle..correct?"
STEVE <Sonic>: Having to bang *you* when there's all kinds of perfectly
good furry chicks out there.
RYAN: You know, there is a LOT I can say about this right now...
> "Y-yes sir..."
> "And you know what happens to people who annoy me..." Sonic put
>his finger on his uncles clothed chest and traced; a lewd smile beginning
>to develop on Sonic's lips.
BRET: Kefka, buddy, come on... you've never done a detailed scene on us
before, you *reaaaally* don't need to start now...
SAMANTHA: Okay, this is beginning to delve into that which we thought it
never would... then again, this is Kefka writing this.
>Chuck shivered and backed away slightly; and
>to this Sonic only increased his hunger fo r sin.
MARK: Hungry? Why wait? Snickers!
>Sonic pulled him closer
>and put his hand on his uncle's crotch section.
SAMANTHA: Cross section?
NASH: No, his...
STEVE: Shut up, Nash!
>
>
> "Our attempts to stop
>Geoffrey St. John has failed on every account dear sweet uncle..." he
>moved his mouth close to his uncle's neck and licked him there.
SAMANTHA <Sonic>: Sorry, but you had some ketchup stains there.
> "S...sir.." he shakingly whispered. "S-stop..."
RYAN <Sonic>: Oh, you want me to stop? Very well then. [laughs a bit]
Oh, if only that would happen...
> "Geo has destroyed one to many of my factories..." He pushed
>Charles down and laid upon him. "And so I must take matters into my own
>hands..."
BRET: AGH! BAD PUN, BAD PUN!!
>He tugged at Chucks pants and began to laugh.
> "Sonic!! No!!"
MARK: Listen to him! Listen to him!
SAMANTHA: This is so wrong!!!
STEVE: Oh, God... this is *worse* than Sonic and Antoine!! WORSE!
[weeps]
NASH: Yeah, it is kinda icky, isn't it?
RYAN: Hey Nash, you try sitting through three stories where guys bang
each other and THEN you tell me this is 'kinda icky'!!!
BRET: WHY, GOD?! WHY? If there is any justice or peace or light or hope
left in the world, LET THIS END!!
[Suddenly the theater's screen glows, and then fast forwards past the
scene, leaving everyone confused]
BRET: I can't believe that worked.
VOICE: Don't worry. I've fast-forwarded past the Evil part.
[A globe of light suddenly appears and coalesces into the shape of a
young man, golden radiance outlining his body.]
SAMANTHA: Oh my God!! You're one of The Powers That Be!
SHINJI (grins): Yup.
MARK: Why did you fast-forward past that scene? Not that I'm
*complaining*, mind you...
SHINJI: You all need to survive this fanfic with your sanity intact...
and that's not gonna happen unless I delete a few of the
rape-and-blood- filled scenes that are to come.
BRET: What? Why? Does this have something to do with the end of the
world?
SHINJI: Umm... not that important. Actually, a few of you have
destinies to fulfill in the Author Avatar Arena, so I can't let this
fanfic or watching your friends go nuts damage you.
RYAN: Whoa! This is heavy.
SHINJI: You could say that, yeah.?\ Anyway, I've programmed the theater to flip past
anything that would instantly tear your sanity apart. I'm afraid I can't
do much more than that, so you'll still have to tough some of it out.
STEVE: Oh, that's *more* than enough! Thank you!
SHINJI: No problem. Now, I gotta go before McMahon notices that
something's wrong. Good luck!
[The shape of the Power changes back into a globe of light and
disappears]
SAMANTHA: Too bad he couldn't have been here when we had the trivia
scene.
NASH: Well, that was Stupid, not Evil.
RYAN: Hey! Wait!! Is my destiny in the Author Avatar Arena too?! [thinks
for a minute] OH YEAH!! Where were you when I went through all of those
CATS stories and that Tsunai Fic?!?!
SHINJI [voice only]: Okay, I'll be honest... it's just Samantha. The
rest of you are on your own.
[Dead silence reigns in the theater]
SAMANTHA: Er... at least he was honest.
> Chuck looked at his nephews cold
>eyes and realized something terrifying;
MARK: 'Murphy Brown' had been canceled.
>Sonic would never stop....Never
>give up on his hunt for the princess....
BRET: Sonic was shamelessly ripping off the competition...
>And he feared for her. He knew
>Sonic would find her.
SAMANTHA: Then do something, you wimp! At least die fighting!
>
> * * *
SAMANTHA: Three stars my *BLEEP*! What the *BLEEP* are Siskel and Ebert
smoking anyway?!
STEVE: No, Leonard Maltin is the star guy.
RYAN: Cool! The censor's back! *BLEEP* *BLEEP* *BLEEPITY BLEEP BLEEP
BLEEP*
>
> Down into sector 7 of Sonotropolis a cheetah
SAMANTHA: That had better not be Cheetor from Beast Wars.
>roamed the streets of
>the now destroyed quadrant. His white shirt and black pants gave him
>the appearance of a poor man.
NASH: However, he had the soul of a child, innocent and free!
>His eyes took heed of all who were around
>him.
>"Man, talk about trashed..."
SAMANTHA: Yeah, the garbage men are on strike again.
>He spoke o ut to no one in particular.
>"Good...maybe that jerk Sonic'll be in the rubble dead..."
MARK <Cheetah>: See, cuz I hate Sonic too... I'm not *evil* or anything...
SAMANTHA: Wishful thinking. Looks like it not only applies to us, eh guys?
>The Cheetah
>smiled wickedly in a sense at his current thoughts and headed onward to
>find the ones he wanted. A fox walked up to him and smiled.
BRET: Great, Ryan Huber's co-writing this.
RYAN: Who?
BRET: He did these crappy Sonic fics where everyone smiled constantly.
Really creepy, actually.
> "'Scuse me sir... you be thinkin' of maybe givin' a poor kit some
>spare Soncoins or perhaps some Gil?"
SAMANTHA: Now what the heck would he do with fish parts?
RYAN: No, see? It's a further rip off of Final Fantasy. That's right,
Kefka. Just keep proving how slack your imagination is...
>The Cheetah smiled and opened up his
>pouched and removed a semi-small bag with money and tossed it to the
>kit.
STEVE: The cheetah pre-bags his money to lock in freshness.
>"Sorry I can't be of more help to you... that blasted Hedgehog
>makes things tight for us Sector 7 Slums."
NASH <Cheetah>: And, as the mayor of Sector Seven, I feel it's my duty
to speak for the entire community.
MARK <Cheetah>: See? I help small children! I hate Sonic! I'm NOT evil,
dammit!
>The kit nodded and hugged the Cheetah.
SAMANTHA: If you go there... [charges up a Ki blast]
RYAN [sits still for a minute]: I have a bad sense of foreboding here,
people...
>
>
> "Thank ya, sir"
BRET <kid>: But I don't see how thirty-five cents and a piece of twine
is really going to help at all...
> "That's why I be lookin' to find some recruiters to the
>Returners..."
STEVE <Cheetah>: So I figured I'd just talk to small children until I
found one who was familiar with guerrilla resistance movements.
> "Ah ken help ya with that Mistah! Ah be one o' em!"
RYAN: Wow! I haven't seen a brooklyneese accent in awhile!
SAMANTHA: Note the stupidity of the kid as he tells a complete stranger
that he's a part of a rebel faction...
NASH <Stevie Ray>: And ah'm gonna show you how we do it back on 110th
street, SUCKA!
> "You can? You are?" The fox nodded. "I owe Sonic Big time for what
>he did to me!
MARK <Cheetah>: Yes, the vague evil thing he did to me, which I really
hope you don't ask any questions about...
>I'll do anything to get him outta power."
RYAN: Psst... call Kenneth Starr. He'll do anything to get Sonic
impeached if you pay him right!
> "Come wit me mistah."
SAMANTHA: I guess the fox comes from New York.
>The Fox ran off into the slums' boundaries,
>outside to the forest.
BRET: If it's *that* easy to leave, then why doesn't everyone just do it?
STEVE: Property tax in the forest is a real bitch, and you can't get cable.
BRET: Ah.
>The Cheetah smiled and followed.
>
> * * *
>
> When the chase was over, he found himself deep in the green lush
>forest.
RYAN: <Cheetah> [pants] Gimme... back my... Eggo...
SAMANTHA: That was one hell of a chase!
>The kit had stopped at a cave opening and jumped up and down.
MARK <Kit>: If you're happy and you know it jump in place!
>"Mistah! mistah! Here's the place! You can get registered as a Returner
>in here Mistah!"
NASH <kid>: All you gotta do is fill out a few forms! Do you have your
driver's license with you?
>The Cheetah Smiled and hugged the Fox.
RYAN <Cheetah>: Duh... I will love you and hug you and name you George...
SAMANTHA <Fox>: Can't... breathe...
MARK: He's being awfully friendly for my tastes...
> "Thank you..." he smiled and walked in. The little Kit followed
>him. Two wolfs looked at the Cheetah and growled.
MARK <Mark>: We close at *five*, dammit! Come back tomorrow!
> "Why have you come here?"
RYAN: <Cheetah> Because I've already come at my house and I wanted to
try it someplace different.
STEVE: Look, we've already established that Sonic has no self-control
when it comes to that sort of thing...
>He was about to answer but The kit
>appeared behind him and waved. "Oh, you brought him here?"
BRET <wolf>: What have we *told* you about bringing random people off
the street here?
RYAN <Kit>: That I should knock 'em out an' steal their money?
BRET <wolf>: Good boy. Here's a cookie.
> "Yes, sah!" The boy saluted like a little soldier. "He wants to be
>a Returnah!"
SAMANTHA: Okay, enough with the fake accent, it's getting annoying.
>They nodded and motioned for the Cat to follow.
NASH: Cat Grant? Is this a Superman crossover now?
SAMANTHA: That's Cheetah.
>"If you don't
>mind we need to check you out before we can even consider you as a
>trainee is that okay?"
NASH <Wolf>: It's all very customary. So turn around, bend over and
spread 'em.
> "Yes, sir..." They took him deeper into the cave.
STEVE <cheetah>: Whoa! How'd they get that big penny in here?
>Torch light filled his eyes;
RYAN <Kit>: Oh! Watch the flamethrowers!
SAMANTHA <Cheetah>: Ahh! My eyes!
>the sounds of mixed conversations filled the air.
RYAN <Extra #1>: Yeah, I got blackmailed into this... whoops! Here they
come...
> He
>gasped when he saw this underground slum city. Houses built out of
>cardboard and scrap metal; many dressed in rags and eating pitiful
>meals...
RYAN: In a bad copy of Midgar...
BRET: So they all lived in cheap mobile homes and got dinner at
McDonald's, right?
>but even so...laughter was in the air and smiles on the faces
>of the poor.
SAMANTHA: They're happy because they're poor and hungry... yeah,
right...
> "By the goddess..." Whispered the Cheetah.
NASH <cheetah>: So much glorious filth...
RYAN: It's Megami-sama!! [pause] Um, Samantha... does megami-sama happen
to mean goddess?
SAMANTHA: Yep.
RYAN: Well... crap.
MARK [snickering]: Oh, I don't know, you always reminded me of a
*princess*, at least...
RYAN: Shut up.
> "Not quite, mate..." Came a voice from behind him. The Cheetah
>looked over and his eyes widened;
MARK <cheetah>: Paul Hogan? NO!
>a Skunk dressed in purple boots,
>belt, gloves with a crossbow and a barret
STEVE: ... to compliment his tifa and yuffie...
>walked over to him with a grin.
>"What's wrong, mate? Why the shocked face?"
RYAN <cheetah>: I happen to like licking electrical outlets...
SAMANTHA: Oh, I remember that old joke! And god, is it funny once it's
told right!
> "Oh um, Well sir....You're Geoffrey St. John! The Great Mr. St.
>John!"
BRET <cheetah>: The Incomparable, Perfect, Glorious Geoffrey St. John! I
fall to my knees and praise you!
RYAN: He needs a few more nicknames to compete with Marissa Picard...
>The Cheetah smiled. "What an honor...sir!" Geo smiled and
>puffed up his chest.
SAMANTHA: Courtesy of the air hose stuck up his...
BRET: Don't...
> "Well. . . thank you!"
NASH <Geoffrey>: I *am* wonderful, aren't I?
> The Cheetah continued to stare at him with a large smile on. "What
>an honor sir...what an honor!"
MARK <cheetah>: Can I have one of your limbs to remember you by?
RYAN <cheetah>: May I prostrate myself before you and kiss your feet?
NASH <Geoffrey>: Oh, go right ahead. I'd forgotten to wash them
before...
> "Well, mate, you seem like a good bloak, what brings ya here ?"
> "I came to join the Returners sir! I want to get back at
>that........Stupid Hedgehog."
STEVE <cheetah>: See? I said it! I said it, so I'm not evil!
> "Yer hearts in the right place, mate! And so's yer body!"
RYAN: A bomp-chicka-bomp-wow...
BRET <snickers>: There's a line straight out of a porno!
SAMANTHA: And you know this how...?
BRET: Ah... due to circumstances beyond my control that have hopefully
been taken care of?
SAMANTHA: Aww...
STEVE: Do you want me to get that armrest out of your way so you two can
just go at it right here?
SAMANTHA: Shut up, Steve.
>Geo looked down at the kit and pet his head. "You found a regular fighter,
>son!"
RYAN <Geoffrey>: You were supposed to bring me a wonderful fighter! Or
at least a great one!
SAMANTHA: So you puff up the leader's ego and he lets you in... it's
amazing that they've lasted this long.
> "Thank ya mistah John!" The kit saluted again and ran off.
NASH: He's pretty busy, being the Returners' head of recruitment and all.
MARK: Makes more sense than picking Lex Luger.
> "Now Mr. uhh...I didn't catch yer name, Tiger."
RYAN <Geoffrey>: That's because I didn't throw it. Hey! Thank you! I'll
be here all week...
SAMANTHA: That's Cheetah.
> "Well sir, before we get into socializing I wanted to ask you
>about something...if it's okay Mr. John."
BRET <cheetah>: Where do babies come from?
> "Of Course, mate!"
RYAN <cheetah>: Really?! Thanks!! Now where are the babes?!
> "Can we take a walk and I'll explain?" Geo nodded and the Cheetah
>headed back up to the surface; with Geoffrey Close behind him.
SAMANTHA: Great idea! It'll be easier to kill him once he's outside.
>"Well sir,
>that.......bastard Sonic; been in an uproar lately...."
> "Yes I know...most likely because of the destruction of the Sector
>7 Slums."
RYAN: <Geoffrey> I didn't think a bomb would cause THAT much
destruction... er... you didn't hear that from me.
> "Anyone die?"
> "Only those who deserved it..."
STEVE: Because the *first* place to go to eliminate the high-ranking
members of a regime is the ghetto.
> "Sonic's followers?"
> "Exactly..."
SAMANTHA <St. John>: Mass murder is fun!
> "I See..." They had reached the forest and continued to walk. "So
>are the rumors true? Did you destroy it?"
NASH <Geoffrey>: Of course! I did it single-handedly, with nothing but a
toothpick and a moldy lemon wedge!
> "I did, with a bomb placed in the reactors of his biggest
>factory...it went up in flames. You should have seen it, mate. It was
>incredible!"
RYAN: A-HA! I predicted it correctly!!
SAMANTHA: Some where out there, the cast of FF7 are crying...
MARK <Jim Ross>: MAH GOD! It's Cloud Strife with the Ultimate Weapon,
and he looks pissed!
> "Sir, I want to join your team!" The Cheetah stopped a distance
>away from the cave at an plain but isolated area of the Forest.
BRET: It's right next to the Power Rangers gravel pit and that one patch
of ground they always beam down to on 'Star Trek'.
RYAN: A millisecond of silence for all the red shirts who bought it
there. Ok, that's enough.
>"It be so great to fight by your side!"
SAMANTHA: Now, repeat after me: Set up.
GUYS: Set up!
SAMANTHA: Good! I knew you could do it!
> "Well then; I need to know your name first mate!"
STEVE: Oh, that's easy! It was Gilligan. Now knowing the Skipper's
name, that's a toughie.
>Geo laughed heatedly.
NASH: So he was laughing in an angry way... or something... right?
MARK: Like it matters. St. John is gonna be worm food in about ten
seconds.
> "God your a fool..." Chuckled the Cheetah.
BRET: I'm glad *somebody* said it.
>"Come into my darkness, Geoffrey..."
SAMANTHA: Said the Hedgehog to the Skunk.
RYAN <Geoffrey>: Sorry, but I happen to like paying my light bills.
>Slowly the form of the Cheetah began to alter; midnight blue
>quills slowly began to pluck through;
STEVE: Excuse me? He's 'dark as night', story.
>a cynical laugher filled the air.
RYAN: Somebody's sucking up the nitrous oxide...
>"You'll pay for destroying my Factories, Skunk..."
NASH <Sonic>: My indispensable *thing* factories!
> "Sonic!" Cried Geo as he readied his crossbow.
SAMANTHA: You had better have that back before five! Marle needs it for
her next fanfic appearance.
>"You bastard!! At
>last you decide to take me on one on one."
MARK <Geoffrey>: I finally get to be splattered across the landscape by
a magic user who's infinitely more powerful than I am!
> "Oh please," hissed the Hedgehog. "Your puny little weapon can't
>hurt me..."
BRET: Sonic smash puny skunk!
> "Yer fergettin', mate... I know all about you. I know your weak
>points."
STEVE <Geoffrey>: You like butter pecan ice cream and Danielle Steel
novels!
>Geo loaded in a white arrow. "These are some special lil'
>darlin's I've been savin' just for you, Hedgehog!"
NASH <Geoffrey>: They're my magical pixie arrows!
>He fired at him;
>Sonic easily dodged out of the way and laughed.
SAMANTHA: Did someone hit him with laughing gas or something?
> "Oh my Geo, how nice of you..."
MARK <Sonic>: Flowers? For me?
> "I've waited half my youth to kill you, Sonic! Kill you for what
>you did to Sally!"
SAMANTHA: Good luck!
> "Oh how your wait was in VAIN John! Because You're not going to
>kill me..." Sonic waved his hand in a circle; a black sword appeared.
[Bret raises one arm and waves his hand in a circle, then sighs when
nothing happens]
RYAN: Hey, lemme try. [waves his hand in a circle and a cup of cookie
dough ice cream appears in his hand] Cool! I was getting hungry! [notices he's
getting stared at] Oh? This? Well ever since the god of self insertion
took control of me, I've had these small bouts of power. Helps when I'm
hungry.
BRET: Aw, crap! You're one of those Avatars, aren't you?
SAMANTHA: *I* am. You have a problem with that?
BRET [hastily grins]: Why, no!
> "You could never beat me hedgehog...what makes you think things
>have changed now?"
STEVE: Oh, I don't know... the fact that he's got a Chaos Emerald, or is
possessed by a demon from Hell...
SAMANTHA: Because Sonic read the script in advance.
> "Because I have changed...and you're the same Geoff my boy..." his
>free hand glew red; "suffer and die!!"
NASH <Mr. Garrison>: You go to hell! You go to hell and you DIE!
>A bolt of fire shot out striking
>down Geoffrey who only rolled into a tree
MARK: ... and set the forest on fire, correct?
>and managed to jump back up
>and slash Sonic's clothing.
SAMANTHA: With what? Geoffrey has a crossbow, not a sword!
>The hedgehog laughed
BRET: ... and the dish ran away with the spoon.
>and Grabbed him by the
>neck.
STEVE: C'mon, ref! Chokeholds are illegal!
>Geo rose his hand and fired another bolt into Sonic; causing him
>to drop him and screech in pain.
NASH <Sonic>: Damn you and your energy blasts, Space Ghost!
> "You've changed eh?" Geoff smiled
MARK <Sonic>: Well, I have *now*.
> Sonic was on his knees partly. He smiled weakly and looked up at
>Geoff, black and red blood beginning to ooze out of his eye where he
>was shot.
RYAN: See? That's what happens when you run around with sharp objects.
SAMANTHA: If you lose an eye in school, you get five thousand dollars
for it.
>The skunk backed away slightly at the site;
BRET <Geoffrey>: Layout... too horrible... and it's in frames...
GYAAAH!!
>and even more so when
>Sonic let his tongue lap up some of the out
> pouring blood.
STEVE: Sonic, buddy, that's *not* how you make a Bloody Mary.
>"I love blood Geoffrey...even my own..." He healed his
>wound with a pass of his hand across his eye. "But I love rape so much
>more..."
RYAN [growls]: BAKAYAROU!! SHI-NE, YOU BANE OF EXISTENCE!!
NASH: I like bacon more than sausage.
>He stood up again and advanced on him, his sword glowing a
>deep blue.
> "Your mad Hedgehog..."
SAMANTHA: No, not my mad, his mad!
> "Your mine, Geoffrey...Mines..." He leaped at the skunk who yet
>again shot him; but it didn't stop Sonic.
MARK: For they had made Sonic faster... stronger... *better*...
RYAN: The Half a Dollar Hedgehog, coming to a computer near you!
>The hedgehog tackled him and put
BRET: ... him in the JACKHAMMER!! Sonic is now 108 and ZERO!!
SAMANTHA: <Announcer> Oh, it's a tackle at the five yard line! What a
disappointment for the home team tonight!
>the blade to his neck, making Geoffrey freeze. "Now My little skunk, I
>want every bit of information about the Retu rners and the whereabouts
>of them.."
STEVE: They're in the cave, Sonic... the one you were in about five
minutes ago.
> "I'll never talk bastard...kill me if you must!"
SAMANTHA: Sure, give the hedgehog ideas, you idiot.
> "Ohhhh I will Geoffrey I will, but I want the information..
NASH <Sonic>: And the amazing thigh toner cream...
>And I have ways of making you talk..."
SAMANTHA <Evil voice>: We have plenty of ways to make you talk, Mr. Bond.
RYAN: I always wonder why villains give away their plans and give the
heroes a chance to escape...
STEVE: I think it's in their contracts somewhere
>Sonic's smile turned cruel; and lewd.
>"I'll break you like I did Sally, Geoffrey..."
>
RYAN: Bad thought, dude, BAD THOUGHT!!
SAMANTHA: Does Kefka relish giving people bad mental images?
MARK: That's amazing. This is the second time in this story *alone*
where Kefka has managed come up with a rape scene idea more horrible
than Sonic and Antoine.
>
> "You'll never break me!" The Skunk spit at him. Sonic just laughed
>and rubbed his hands over Geoffrey's crotch section.
SAMANTHA: Cross section?
BRET: No, his... well, you're really better off not knowing.
> "Sally told me the same thing my friend...the same thing..." He
>kissed his neck softly and nipped at his fur.
SAMANTHA: So he's gonna take a bite now and save the rest for later,
right?
STEVE: What, so Sonic's a vampire now? Geez, that *sounds* about like
something Kefka would come up with...
>"Tell me about the
>Returners..." He pressed his crotch to Geo's and rubbed them together.
NASH: Uh... Sonic, it doesn't work like that... [begins tapping his
pointer fingers together] ... y'know, boink-boink?
MARK: Look, if he can't figure out how to do it then we don't have to
watch it!
>"Oh yessss.." Whispered Sonic, feeling himself become erect.
> "N-no!" Geoff struggled under him but to no avail.
SAMANTHA: Just like every other character in this story.
> "Give me what I want Geoff, or I'll take what I want." He spread
>his legs and looked into the skunk's eyes. "You know I will; don't
>you..."
BRET: After five chapters of this stuff... pretty much, yeah.
RYAN: HEY!! Glowy guy!! Where are you?!
[The screen glows, then shakes slightly, and the rape scene is
fast-forwarded past]
RYAN: Thanks!
SAMANTHA: I guess this was another one of those rape scenes.
NASH: Too bad it can't get rid of this whole thing.
STEVE: Wow. We should try and do something nice for him.
MARK: Maybe we could sacrifice an EVA model kit to him.
>
> "I enjoyed you, Geoffrey..."
BRET <Sonic>: Of course, the fact that I even wanted to touch you is
completely implausible, but what the hell!
>Chortled Sonic as he dismounted him.
SAMANTHA: Geoffrey's a skunk, not a horse, you idiot!
>And now, comes the really fun part..."
NASH <Sonic>: Just let me get my *clown* suit...
>he picked up his blade and moved
>back to Geoff and kneeled down . . .
SAMANTHA: Whoa boy! Bret, darling, close your eyes.
BRET: If this is what I think it is, you certainly don't have to tell *me* twice.
RYAN: Oh no! My fragile innocence!
MARK: You're about as innocent as Monica Lewinsky.
RYAN: HEY!!
STEVE: Damn you, Kefka, this is *not* cool! You don't even *joke* about
doing that to a guy!
NASH: Fortunately, it will only be a small loss.
> Sonic stabbed the blade into his leg, causing Geoffrey to wake
>with a scream.
SAMANTHA: GASP!! I never would have thought that someone would wake up
with a scream after having a sword plunged into their leg. I always
thought people would wake up giggling!
RYAN: You never know with some people...
>"Shut up, Skunk!" Sonic struck him down again and drove the
>blade down
MARK [doing gesture of 'Mole People' professor]: Down, down, down...
>until it tore from the otherside and pinned his leg.
SAMANTHA <Announcer>: One... Two... Three... Sonic is the new
HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION of the WORLD!!!
RYAN: Naw, the sword made the pin. Sonic's the lackey...
>Geoff
>Continued to scream gripping his leg; tears r unning down his face.
>Sonic grabbed his neck and twisted; breaking it.
BRET <Sonic>: Now, I just need you to look over here for a moment,
and... damn, did it again.
>"You should have stayed
>silent..." Sonic continued to slice at his leg, peeling the fur and
>skin off.
NASH <Sonic>: This will make a lovely leg-warmer! BWAHAHAHAHA!
SAMANTHA: So Sonic was a butcher before he became an evil dictator. How
nice to know.
[The screen suddenly glows and fast forwards past yet another really
icky scene]
BRET: What? Didn't we already have the rape scene?
MARK: Well, to the best of my ability to tell, the scene we're zipping
past seems to have something to do with cannibalism.
BRET: THE HELL?!
RYAN: Wow. I miss CATS and his 'inches' right now...
>
> "Aww Geoff; you died before you let me bite into the thing I
>wanted to so badly..." Sonic looked between Geoffrey's legs and
>grinned. "Well then," He Chuckled again. "I won't let that stop me...."
NASH <Sonic>: ... since I just so happen to have some hot dog buns and
relish handy...
RYAN: Hey Nash, you forgot about the two other things that Sonic would
probably make a good shishkabob out of.
SAMANTHA: Oh man... This is beginning to push *my* limits!
BRET: Ugh. Same here.
SAMANTHA: But as long as we have each other, we can survive it.
BRET: Got that right.
[Samantha leans over and Bret pulls her into a long, lingering kiss]
MARK & STEVE: Get a room!
RYAN: Or get me a date! I'm bored!
NASH [pulling out a mysteriously convenient camcorder]: No, no, don't
let us stop you! Just run with your instincts. Man, I could put a new
*wing* on my house with this!
SAMANTHA: [takes a throwing star from the small of her back and nails
the camcorder with it, all the while still kissing Bret.]
NASH: YIKES! [drops the broken camcorder]
>
> * * *
>
> Geoff had returned from the forest and back to the cave where he
>quickly took hold of the first soldier he found.
SAMANTHA <Announcer>: Oh, and Geoff has the guard in a head lock!
There's no escape from him!
>"When is the meeting with
>the Neo Freedom Fighters?"
BRET <'Geoffrey'>: I want to slaugh... er, *talk* to them.
> "Uh...sir...S-shouldn't you know that sir?"
STEVE <guard>: You wouldn't happen to be an evil shapeshifter out to
destroy us, would you, sir?
> "Don't argue with me, mate!!" he hissed and grabbed his neck.
>"I've had a good day so far, mate, don't screw it up!!"
MARK <Sonic>: Don't make me perform a random act of kindness...
> "...S...s...sir!! yes sir.. I won't sir!! it's....a..at the Old
>Power ring site at sunset!"
>
SAMANTHA: And no one suspects anything? What a bunch of idiots! I mean,
*someone* must have heard Geoff screaming his lungs out in pain!
RYAN <Person 1>: Hey, did you hear something?
NASH <Person 2>: You mean that tremendous scream that sounded like
someone was being flailed alive?
RYAN <Person 1>: Yeah.
NASH <Person 2>: Nope, can't say that I did.
RYAN <Person 1>: Oh. So, up for some parcheesi?
>
> "Now ..." He smiled and patted the guard on top the head. "That's
>all you had to say..." He smiled. "Inform me when we're about to leave"
>"Y..Y...yes second in command..."
RYAN <"Geoffrey">: Didn't I say to call me number one?
NASH <guard>: ...just trying to get us to the plot point, sir...
>Geoffrey stopped cold for a moment.
BRET: Some anti-freeze will take care of that.
>And thought about what he was just called....If he was second
>in command....Who was the leader?
ALL: Snively!
>
> * * *
SAMANTHA: Star light, star bright, end this fanfic tonight.
>
> A few hours later they prepared leave for the meeting with the Neo
>Freedom Fighters.
STEVE: They all made sure to pack up some nice warm sweaters and a
change of underwear.
>Geoffrey had ordered most of the men to stay behind
>and with but a few raised eyebrows and confused looks they did so.
SAMANTHA: After all, they *are* rock stupid.
>With that
>Geoffrey took only the small kit with him and a few guards.
MARK: The kid's also the Returners main strategist.
>Geo Chuckled softly as the other guards went to place their Tek-bikes
NASH: ... by William Shatner.
>in a safe place.
>They had stopped a distance away from the meeting place to make sure
>nothing foul was at hand.
BRET: Um... why are they next to the Power Rangers gravel pit again?
Kefka, you're *not*...
>"Well mate" Geo said looking at the little
>Kit who smiled largely at him. "We're alone for a while..."
BRET: ... he *is*...
SAMANTHA: Oh no. This is bad.
STEVE: *BAD*?! This is unholy!
RYAN: Screw unholy!! Kefka's in the Tsunai zone!!
>
>
> "We sure are Mistah St. John!" the little fox kit smiled.
> "Yes...only I aint John..."
MARK <kid>: No, it's 'I'm not John'. We have to use proper grammar! So
repeat after me...
> "Wha?"
NASH: NO! It's not really Geoffrey?! I don't believe it! Who *ever*
could it be?
> "Oh yes, little one..." The kit backed away some when he saw
>Geoff's form shift into the Dark One.
BRET <kit>: NOOOOO!! It's Kefka!
SAMANTHA: Yipes! Sonic is a changeling!
NASH: My God! It's *Sonic*?! Oh, man! That surprises never stop in this
story!
> "N...no.....not you...."
STEVE <kid>: How did I get roped into this scene?! Somebody call my
agent!
> "Oh yesssss my little sweet sweet youth..."
SAMANTHA: So the Kit is a piece of fruit now.
>He grabbed the child's
>hand and pulled him closer. "I'm hungry for my toy...
MARK: Actually, one of those Hot Wheels racetracks *would* hit the spot
right about now...
RYAN: Hey... whatsyername... aren't ya gonna fast forward now?
>do you know who my toy is, little one?"
SAMANTHA: That rubber ducky in your tub?
> "...P-p-princess S-sally?" He felt Sonic's hands slowly rubbing
>the base of his tail and feeling around that area.
ALL: GYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!
>The Fox tried to scream but Sonic cupped his mouth.
SAMANTHA: With a tea or coffee cup? Inquisitive minds want to know!
> "Shhhhhh" Whispered Sonic in the fox's ear then licked the tip.
BRET [stands up and pulls out a slip of paper]: Spirits of Tsunai, I
banish you from this fanfic! This child molestation scene will stop!
AKURYO TAISAN!!
[nothing happens]
BRET [collapses back into seat]: I'm being punished for something, I
*know* it...
RYAN: Nonononono!! I can't go through TWO pedophile fics!!
>"My your warm....So warm and sweet. . . bastard Foxes like you don't
>grow everywhere in the slums..." Sonic moved his hands under
ALL: ARRGGHH!!!
[The screen glows and fast-forwards past another bad scene... a really
SAMANTHA: First women, then men, the young girls, and now boys... That's
it! I'm going to kill this guy myself!!!
RYAN [growls]: Get in line.
>
> Sonic smiled and dusted himself off, the stains on his pants
>annoyed him a bit
NASH: *Coffee stains*... they're just coffee stains...
>but he pulled them up and made himself look as
>Gentlemanly as possible. He switched his Form back to Geoffrey and
>picked up the baby fox's body; he kissed it's face softly
SAMANTHA: So the boy is a hermaphrodite now?
>and licked the lips.
STEVE: *Wax lips*... just a pair of wax lips...
RYAN: Wake me up if something interesting happens... like never.
[settles down and falls asleep]
>"I'll remember you....don't think I'll forget.."
MARK [extremely dark]: Don't think *we'll* forget, either...
>he dropped him down with a crack and headed onward.
SAMANTHA: I swear, if Sonic is in the next AAA, then the *BLEEP*s gonna
hit the fan!
STEVE: Foreshadowing, folks!
>
>
> * * *
>
> In the camp site the Neo Freedom Fighters waited, calmly for the
>second in command to arrive. A hooded small figure
BRET: A Jawa?
>stayed in the
>shadows; he called himself the leader of the Returners.
NASH: Everyone else called him Pauline.
>Miles tapped his foot
>and slowly paced back and forth. "Listen wher e's your second in command?
>And why don't you take off that hood..You're beginning to annoy me..."
SAMANTHA: Okay... but wouldn't a better question be 'prove that you're
the leader of the Returners' or something like that?
>"Fine if it'll make you happy Fox," the small figures hood fell off.
STEVE <figure>: Damn 'Made in Taiwan' crap!!
>Miles eyes widen and he took a step back. "S....Snively!!!"
SAMANTHA: Why does Tails sound so surprised? We've known that little
nugget of info since Chapter 3.
>"Correct..." The Overlander
MARK: *Not* to be confused with the Highlander...
BRET: ... since there can be only one.
>looked old, worn out, but determined. His light Green
>outfit was exactly what he use to wear before the take over.
NASH: Sadly, Snively had gained about 50 pounds since then. It was like
looking at Lou Albano in spandex!
>He smiled half
>heatedly. "I'm surprised you didn't realize..."
SAMANTHA: Such a twisted plot device? No, although we should since this
- is* Kefka writing this crap.
> 'I thought the dark one killed you...."
STEVE <Snively>: Well, he did, but fortunately I had a Kryptonian
regeneration matrix hooked up.
>"'Thought' is the keyword.
SAMANTHA: As in no one actually thinks...
>Now as soon as my second in command comes and my spies we'll be
>ready..."
> Miles looked at Lunarus who only snorted.
MARK: Kinda sad. I hear Lunarus is going through 200 dollars a day with
that habit.
>A rustling came from
>the bushes near by and Geoffrey pranced in.
SAMANTHA: Prance, prance, prance...
>"Hey mates! Sorry I di...." He
>looked at Snively for a moment, his mouth hanging open.
>
BRET <'Geoffrey'>: Damn! Somebody must've whacked you upside the head
with the whole ugly *tree*!
>
> "Well now Geoffrey, it's about time you arrived. Are the spies
>with you?" The skunk tried to shake his head but couldn't.
SAMANTHA: And *no* one even sees the surprise on Geoff's face? Oh man,
everyone lost a hundred IQ points in between chapters!
> "No...we're here..." Everyone turned as Bunny, Amy and Dulcy
>approached from the direction of Sonotropolis. "We had to make sure the
>Dark One wasn't here nor following us.
NASH: And a fine job of it you did, too.
>Our other was injured and had
>to remain in the city..." The Rabbot sighed.
STEVE <Bunny>: He tried to eat Pop Rocks and drink soda at the same
time. Poor thing's head exploded. Don't worry, he's getting better.
> <<They're the spies?!>> Thought Geoffrey/Sonic and hissed a bit
>under his breath. <<They'll pay for this....>>
SAMANTHA: With their Visa because they didn't bring cash... We know
already! God, this guy sounds like that Raven fellow you all hate.
MARK: The Chaos Emerald of Evil would explain a *lot* of Raven's
gimmick.
BRET: And Sonic's certainly been showing a... *preference* not unlike
Scott's...
> "This is all to weird..." Miles commented as he moved closer.
SAMANTHA: Hang on... looks like Tails has *some* smarts after all.
>"Just about everyone I thought dead is actually alive...
NASH <Tails>: And many people I thought alive were actually dead, like
Strom Thurmond!
>then I think
>they are with Sonic, only to be speaking the truth and being
Returners."
SAMANTHA: Then again, maybe not.
> "Ya'll think the Dark One o' kills our spirits fo' freedom?"
STEVE <brogue>: I claim this fanfic in the name of Ireland!! FREEDOM!
>Chuckled Bunny. "He ain't nuthin' but guttah trash." They all laughed
>at that.
>
>Well....Everyone one but Geoffrey.
SAMANTHA: And still no one notices.
>
> <<Temper....Temper lord of darkness...
MARK [stands up]: DAMN YOUR EYES, SONIC THE HEDGEHOG! There is but *one*
true Lord of Darkness, AND YOU ARE NOT HIM!! I'LL TOMBSTONE YOU TO HELL
AND BACK!
BRET: Calm down, Mark...
MARK [sits back down, grumbling]: Fine for now, Sonic... but there
*will* be a reckoning...
RYAN [yawns and wakes up]: Good, I wanna watch you smash his face into the mat.
>dismembering their bodies
>and souls at this moment will do you no good.....>> he repeated to himself.
NASH: He'll need to find the instructions first, so he can put them back
together when he's done.
SAMANTHA: This is a dream, I can control it. This is a dream, I can
control it. This is a dream...
BRET: What movie is that from?
SAMANTHA: I can't remember.
RYAN [thinks for a minute]: Um... one of the Nightmare on Elm Street movies?
[Samantha shrugs]
> "Care to tell us how you guys survived?" Asked Sonya as everyone
>began to calm and take their seats.
STEVE <Snively>: Yogurt. Lots and lots of yogurt.
> "Quiet simple really..." Replied Snively. "Angela saved us
>Miles...
SAMANTHA: But didn't Sonya ask the question?
>she teleported us to the world of the guardians where they healed
>our wounds and prepared us for the war to come."
BRET: And exactly where were these all-friggin'-powerful guardians of
yours when Sonic was blowing up continents and raping small children?!
> "But why wasn't I or Tony taken there?"
SAMANTHA: Because you guys suck!
> "They told us it was your destiny young Miles." Replied Amy. "You
>are a guardian of the Chaos Emerald..."
RYAN: Uh, WHICH chaos emerald?
MARK: Tails is a guardian, so he can't hang out with the guardians. Of
course.
>Geoffrey's eyes glared down at
>the two tailed Fox.
SAMANTHA <Tom Servo>: I'm huge!
> "Well as you probably know we've taken back the princess so she
>may be safe from the Dark One."
NASH: Heck no! Just watch, Kefka will find some way to get her into a
rape scene before this is over.
> "Is she here, Mate?" Asked Geoffrey; mentally licking his lips
>with anticipation.
SAMANTHA: Mmmm-mmm! Finger licking good!
>Tails nodded he moved away his cape to reveal
STEVE: ...a *stunning* double breasted business suit, from Armani.
>a clinging princess Sally.
SAMANTHA: It's so funny to see women written as weak useless baggage...
I'M GONNA KILL KEFKA WHEN WE GET DOWN FROM HERE!!! ARRGGHH!!!
BRET [pulling her close]: I know. It hurts me, too.
>Geoffrey had to shift his legs and tame a groan
RYAN: Down boy, down!
>of sexual lust for the aristocrat.
MARK: ... with only a whip, a chair, and his wits!
>"It's Good to s ee you, Princess..."
>She just nodded slightly.
>
SAMANTHA: And her head fell off. Oh, the humanity!
>
> "Anyway," commented Sonya. "How'd you survive Sonic, Geoffrey?"
NASH <Geoffrey>: Bomb shelter. Never did think that thing would really
come in handy.
>Sonya never did like the skunk; his ego was worst then her brothers;
>she often thought.
> "Oh... Well I uhh..Just did." Replied Geoffrey.
[stunned silence]
STEVE: The goofy meter must've just exploded and hit me in the head with
high velocity shrapnel. Did I really just read that?
BRET: Sonic must've gotten possessed by one of the really stupid demons
from Hell.
RYAN: Or Richard Nixon.
BRET: Same difference.
>"Another thing mate...I got some bad news for ya Snively..."
SAMANTHA: Sure, avoid the subject. That oughta keep the suspicion off you!
MARK: If that last *brilliant* bit of dialogue didn't clue them in, then
nothing short of Sonic smacking them on the head with a giant sign that
says 'I raped and killed Geoffrey St. John' will.
> "And that is?" Geoffrey looked away slightly as a lewd and cruel
>grin formed.
NASH <Geoffrey>: Are you done? Can I look now?
> "I raped and killed your son."
STEVE <Snively>: Oh, well isn't that.... THE HELL?!
>Everyone went silent for a moment;
>a small chuckle emitted from Geoffrey's voice. He backed away from
>everyone and turned away. "I have all of your souls now..."
SAMANTHA: And he did that how?
BRET: He bought them from CitiBank in a big block of souls to help stock
his high-yield soul portfolio.
>They rose up
MARK: ... and thus did the Isrealites smite the Hittites, and destroy
them utterly.
>and drew weapons as the dark one's figure repla ced Geoffrey's. "Hello
>scum..."
SAMANTHA: The Men in Black. Defending Earth from the scum of the
universe.
RYAN: I'd sure like one of those little crickets right about now...
oooh! Or the neuralizer! Zap Kefka and make him stop writing for all of
eternity!
>
>Sally screamed...
NASH: I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream.
> He drew his blade.
SAMANTHA: In a beautiful artistic form reminiscent of the Renaissance.
>He looked over at his supposed loyal followers.
>"Oh you three will most dearly pay..."
> "Are you brain dead?" Growled Knuckles
STEVE: No, Sonic has a brain that wouldn't die.
>rising from his seat "your
>outnumbered; we'll kick your butt!"
SAMANTHA: *sigh* Who wants to put this down as famous last words?
RYAN: I've got it right down with "What's the worst that can happen" and
"I've never been happier than I am right now."
> "Would you now? Perhaps an Ultima would help; change your 'tude."
>They were silent for a moment.
BRET <Freedom Fighters>: Oh. I guess we'll just cave in now.
>"Just as I thought....Now .. I propose
>an interesting way to entertain ourselves...
MARK <Sonic>: There shall be... karaoke!!
NASH <Sonic>: First everyone takes their pants off and puts on these
lovely garter belts...
>I want to battle most of the key members.
SAMANTHA: Not all of them, just the important ones.
STEVE: Oh, I get it. SONIC DELETE KEY!!!
> "What do you mean?" Tails asked holding the quivering Sally close.
> "Well....I already had my...
BRET: ...Shatner talking... lessons. I.... think they... seem to be...
working...
>intimate lust satisfied.........
MARK <Sonic>: I stayed up late cuddling and talking about the future.
>Well..Not compleatly" he said while looking at Sally.
NASH <Val Venis>: Cause once they've had a taste of the *big Valbowski*,
they neeever go back...
>"I feel my blood lust now. So each of you, yes you, shall all have the
>chance to fight me!"
SAMANTHA <Kuno as Sonic>: If thou shouldst happen to beat me, I shalt
not rape you!
STEVE <random Freedom Fighter>: Uh... thanks?
> The crowd began to murmur.
ALL: Rhubarbrhubarbrhubarbrhubarb...
> "And if one you beats me" Sonic gave a chuckle "You can kill me"
> The crowd began to Realy murmur now!
SAMANTHA: But wouldn't beating him mean killing him?
BRET: Well, Sonic's the star of this story and he can take advantage of
the stupid inferior supporting characters if he wants to.
>
>
> "However" The hedgehog continued "The fights are one-on-one"
MARK: Hold on a minute. Let's go over this, shall we? The Freedom
Fighters won't attack Sonic because he's more powerful than all of them
combined, correct?
BRET: Uh-huh.
MARK: But they *will* try to beat him individually.
BRET: Right.
MARK: Ah. Thank you. [pause] ARRRGGGGGHHHH!!
RYAN: We know it hurts, man, just let it out...
>The crowd's hope began to over.
SAMANTHA: Hey, Kefka's keyboard isn't working so well either!
NASH: Please. Anyone with that kind of push would be over.
>"HEY! Be lucky I'm giving you a chance at
>all! I could kill you now, DO Sally and be back before dinner!"
STEVE <Sonic>: Instead, I'm going to kill you all of the course of the
next few hours, do Sally, and be back home slightly *after* dinner!
SAMANTHA: And, being the nice guy that he is, Sonic is going to be
honorable in this fight...
>Tails' anger flared at that last comment. Sonic co uld tell they wanted to
>fight "Gooood...now let's begin"
BRET: IT HAS BEGUN!
>he turned to Snively. "Oh Snively, I wish I
>would have known your brat was family. I would have enjoyed doing him
>even MORE" A lewd smile came across his face.
SAMANTHA: So that boy fox was Snively's son?
MARK: Ah, nothing compliments child molestation more than just a little
incest for extra flavor.
> Snivley's face was pale "You'r...You're LYING!!"
NASH <childish>: I'm gonna tell Mom!!
> "Oh..am I dear cousin?
SAMANTHA: Now Kefka's just tossing in relations for the hell of it!
>A little fox with a lisp...
>name..................Elex?"
STEVE <Snively>: You idiot! I'm human! How could I have a son who's a fox?
RYAN [laughs a bit]: Ah, if that were only true...
> Snively's face looked liked his world have caved in. It did. He
>loved his son more then his own life. More then the cause of the
>Returners. His son was his life. "Yes, Snortley"
> "YOU BASTARD!!"
SAMANTHA: You killed Kenny!
RYAN: Now how many times has that joke been done?
SAMANTHA: About as many times as the authors been flamed.
RYAN: Only five? Well here's one more. <Kenny> Mmmmffpghdphg?
NASH <Stan>: Yeah, I think Sonic DOES like his pets that much.
>Snively threw the cloak off of him and drew his
>sword.
BRET: In a more modern day style rather than a renaissance one.
>"I'll kill you.....
> "You have to beat me first"
MARK: Exactly how could you enforce a rule like that?
> Snively lunged at Sonic, Sonic moved to to right avoiding the
>powerful swing. "I'll make this quick, Snotley" Sonic then began to
>chant while Snively kept swinging at him, missing each swing.
NASH: Damn. Sonic must be one of those Avatars.
STEVE: That's an *incredibly* frightening thought.
> Suddenly Lighting stuck Snively down.
RYAN <Sonic>: DAI-RAI-JIN-GEKI!!
SAMANTHA: All right! Sonic may be killing them, but at least he's
getting rid of the cast that's been plaguing us for the past five
chapters!
> As he hit the ground one word came out of his mouth
RYAN: Rosebud?
BRET <Snivley>: ...Muffins.
>"Elex.."
> "Hmpf. Not much of a fight. I hope the rest of you are better.
>So who's next?"
SAMANTHA: Didn't Nappa say the same thing?
MARK: Dammit! We've already used our Goldberg riff!
> "Try me, you scum" Locy stepped up
>
NASH <Locy>: I'm in your grocer's freezer!
>
> "I've already did. I would looovvve to try more though" Sonic
>crocked an eyebrow.
STEVE: Nah, HHH did that impression a lot better.
RYAN: I could sure go for some Betty Crocker right about now...
> "You sicko.."
BRET: And we're just *noticing* this, Locy?!
> "Thank you" Locy jumped into the crowd-made circle.
MARK: Nothing's made like crowd-made.
RYAN: And the crowd hasn't figured out that even Sonic can't stand up to
a full mob beatdown.
>Her armor
>polished, her fur clean, her lance sharpen.
NASH: Unfortunately, she had a few creases along her spine, so she could
only be graded near-mint.
>Too bad it wouldn't stay
>this way.
STEVE <motherly>: Oh, that Locy's so *hard* on clothes...
>"Locy or should I say Sara? Long time no see. Got your old form
>back. You still look as good as when I firs t did you."
SAMANTHA <Announcer>: Just do it.
> "Shut you mouth"
RYAN: He's just talking about Shaft.
NASH: We can dig it.
> Locy's voice was dark "Let's fight"
RYAN <Shao Kahn>: Ready? FIGHT!
BRET <pretentious>: What a marvelous suggestion! Let's, shall we?
>She held up
>her lance, and put her helmet on.
MARK: She's Ankoku!
> Sonic smiled at her. 'I'll keep her alive for fun' he thought.
>Locy then charged at him. <<Oh great>> he thought <<Another charging
>fool>> But Locy stopped before she reached Sonic, Did a spilt under him
>and thrust her lance upward.
SAMANTHA: Ohh... That looks like it's gonna hurt!
NASH: Sonic's definitely gonna need some Preparation H.
RYAN: Looks like Locy's a member of the Lorena Bobbit fan club.
>Sonic moved back ju st in time to avoid
>getting hit *there* but got a cut cheek instead.
STEVE: And next Sonic's going to break a pin with a superkick.
> Sonic leapt back and felt his cheek. He smiled at the blood.
>"Thank you, Locy"
BRET <pretentious>: Oh, think nothing of it, old boy.
SAMANTHA <singing>: Thanks for the memories..
> "Shut up you, bastard!" She yells as she swung her lance towards
>him.
> Sonic grabbed the lance, put force on the middle and flipped Locy
>over. "OOF!!" Locy quickly reacted to this attack and forced the
>pointed end of her lance towards him.
MARK: So she tried to poke him with it, correct?
>However Sonic's strength held it at bay.
SAMANTHA: Uh... Hmmm... I take my riff back from Chapter 4. Dr. Thinker
didn't write fight scenes *this* confusing.
> "Now, now now Locy...you think I let you win so easy?" Locy seems
>to draw back a bit. "Well...at least you're smart...I~" He was cut
>off. By Locy's dagger in his leg.
NASH: Just a little bit higher, Locy...
>"ARRGGGG!!" he breathed a little bit
>deeply "Nice throw, little toy, but I tire of this game...."
SAMANTHA <Shao Kahn>: You weak and pathetic fool.
>
>Locy took back her lance and jabbed it at Sonic again but missed.
>Sonic in turn grabbed her armor and a red light omitted from his hands.
STEVE: As such, nothing happened, and Locy then gutted him and strangled
him with his own intestines. The End.
MARK: That was a bit much. But what's on Raw?
> Locy tried to struggle under his glowing hands but to no avail.
BRET <blandly>: Gee, we haven't seen *that* before.
>Her armor was getting hotter...burning...like a furence.
>
>Sonic was cooking her like a meal in the oven.
SAMANTHA: This time *I* get dibs on the drumsticks!
RYAN: Damn... alright, I got dibs on dark meat then.
NASH: Nothin' says lovin' like a Locy in the oven.
>
> "LET ME GO, BASTARD!!!" She screamed.
>
>Sonic just laughed at it.
STEVE <Sonic>: Oh, that whimsical Carrot Top...
>
> She screamed out Antoine's name but the crowd had to hold her fox
>lover back in fear of an Ultima.
SAMANTHA: Great going crowd! The love of his life is being roasted and
all you can think of is saving your own butts!
> Sonic threw her into the crowd when he was done.
MARK <crowd>: All right! Free Locy!
> The crowd TRIED to attend to Locy. But her armor was too hot to
>touch.
BRET: Can't touch this! Da, da-da-da, da da, da da...
[as Bret hums the rest of the song, Ryan gets up and starts dancing ala
Hammer]
NASH: Yeah, dance that funky music, white boy. [snickers]
RYAN [sits down]: Oh, shut up.
>many filled up Buckets of water and splashed her armor but a
>silence came when she stopped moving.
SAMANTHA: Oh yeah. That Dragoon armor certainly came in handy.
>Antoine, already in his hysterical
>state, could stand no more.
SAMANTHA: He snapped and confronted Sonic in a blaze of hatred, easily
getting himself killed.
NASH: And there was much rejoicing.
ALL <flat>: Yay.
>
> While all this was happening, Sonic just stood there chuckling.
>Tony withdrew his blade from it's holder
>
SAMANTHA: That's scabbard, you idiot!
>
> and jumped into the circle.
>"Sonic! You bastard!! I'll make you pay!!!" He shouted
STEVE <Antoine>: You will taste my clinched vengeance, ne'er-do-well!
> "Yeah right" Sonic snickered This angered our hero even more.
RYAN: Oh great, Kefka's starting to assume.
MARK: Excuse me? When did the official useless baggage of Mobius become
STEVE: Look, *my* hero would've found some way to ironically kill Sonic
somewhere in part two.
>Antoine took repeated jabs at him but Sonic's quick speed avoided every
>one. "HA!" Sonic simply advanced and punched Ant in his jaw, causing
>blood to spill.
SAMANTHA <bored>: See? Got him mad so that he could easily be killed.
> "ARGG" Ant had to take a split second to relocate his jaw,
BRET: Antoine's jaw received the new name Eddington Pendergrass and was
set up as a car salesman in Pensacola, Florida.
>but a
>split second was all Sonic needed. He retracted his claws and slashed
>at Ant's sides. Antoine dropped to his knees.
NASH: Uh-oh. Wolf's gonna be pissed. Not to mention Knuckles, and
Wolverine, and...
SAMANTHA: So he retracted his claws and slashed with them... and since
when did Sonic *have* claws?
MARK: A human being who is sadly unable to tell the 'synonym' and
'antonym' parts of a thesaurus apart.
STEVE: Well, yeah, but at least Kefka has an excuse. We *know* he
doesn't have a dictionary.
><<How could I have
>failed?....Locy.........>> Was all that ran through his mind. Sonic
>lifted up his elbow and stuck the back of Ant's head.
BRET: Sonic's doing the People's Elbow! Kinda appropriate, when you
think about it.
NASH <Jim Ross>: Best damn elbow in the business today!
>Knocking him down.
><<How could I fail her......>>
MARK: Because you're a weenie and a loser?
>Was his last thought before slipping off....
SAMANTHA: Into La-la land!
[Everyone cheers]
SAMANTHA: Whatever happens from this point on, at least that wimp
Antoine is dead.
> "So," he said casually "Who's next?"
STEVE: DAMMIT!! You just *had* to do that joke, didn't you?
[Bret just gives him his trademark Hitman smirk]
>Lunarus pushed Mecha Sonic out in the circle.
BRET <Lunarus>: C'mon, it'll be fun! [sings] 'The farmer in the dell,
the farmer in the dell...'
> "Why you..." Mecha mumbled to Lunarus.
SAMANTHA: Ah Lunarus! That wily wit of yours shines through again!
> "Ahh look! The traitor robot! Now let's see what the tin can can
NASH: CHA-CHA-CHA!!
>do against me!"
> "Fine" Mecha extracted his claws to their full 1 foot length
>"Let's go" Mecha said in his calm mode
> "Lovely pins ya got there" Sonic complimented
MARK <Sonic>: Too bad they're just *press-ons*.
>"But not enough to
>do any good for you" Mecha then teleported behind Sonic. "Eh?" Mecha
>slashed Sonic's back.
RYAN <Mecha>: Shuken Idou!
SAMANTHA: Oh, once the guys from Dragon Ball Z hear about Mecha ripping
off their moves...
> "ARGGGG!!" He backhanded the hedge-bot. "Nice. But don't expect
>too many more of those." With that Sonic casted Demi on him.
STEVE <Mecha>: 'The Scarlet Letter'... 'Striptease'... those horrible
movies... GYYYYYYAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!
>A Dark
>Grey ball shot out at Mecha striking him and absorbing his energy,
BRET: Thus bringing Sonic one step closer to the resurrection of Queen
Metallia!
>removing
>more then half. Mecha made a few glitchin g noises but hovered himself
>from the ground and started firing rapid plasma beam shots at Sonic.
SAMANTHA: Hey! Vegita has copyrights to that move! Lawsuit! Lawsuit!
> "Oooo" Sonic quickly castes a reflective shell around himself and
>bounced the shots back to Mecha Sonic.
> "YIP!" They sent him to the ground again.
RYAN [laughs]: Yip?!
NASH: I've been hit with burning hot plasma! YIP!
MARK <Sonic>: BOOMSHAKALAKA!
> "Now...traitor. What you've been doing is called treason." Sonic
>stood over the land bound Mecha and held him down with his feet "Know
>what they did to people who committed treason in the OLD days?"
>
> No answer.
STEVE: That's actually a pretty smart move. You lose 1/4 of a point for
every wrong answer, so it's better to skip.
>
> "Well....allow me to demonstrate" Sonic grabs Mecha by the neck
>and head and *RIP* He snapped Mecha's head off.
SAMANTHA: That sure as hell didn't sound like a snapping sound.
BRET <Mecha>: Sonic the Hedgehog KILLED ME! Sonic the Hedgehog KILLED
ME!
> "Hmpf" Sonic tossed the head in the crowd along with the rest of
>the body.
ALL <crowd>: HEAD! HEAD! HEAD!
> "Why that mother.." Mumbled Mecha's head.
> "Now now Mecha...Pull yourself TOGETHER!" Laughed the hedgehog.
> "I swear. Are you guys trying to beat me by boring me?"
NASH: I've been wondering the same thing about Kefka.
> Sonya shook her head in disgust at her brother's jokes.
SAMANTHA <Sonya>: Well I've lost about three friends now and my
brother's making horrible jokes. Ho-hum, just another day...
>
> * * *
>
> Meanwhile.... (This part of the episode was written by:
>SkyMog@AOL.com)
SAMANTHA: [quickly writes the e-mail address down]
MARK: Hey! Maybe we'll get a good writer!
RYAN: Mark, if he was a good writer, why in the hell would it have been
sent up here?
>Off in the sky, a small vehicle was entering the Mobian atmosphere.
>This vehicle was not going in normally, but spinning out of control.
STEVE: Gods, no! Their generic vehicle is going to have a generic crash!
RYAN <Duke>: Those alien bastards are gonna pay for trashing my ride...
>After about 3 minutes, it reached Sonotropolis, and was on fire. It
neared
>the citadel of Sonic.
SAMANTHA: Then it crashed and took out the control section of the
factories. Without them, the power plants of the factories overloaded
and detonated, killing everyone for miles around and ending their
suffering.
BRET: Which forces us to ask the question: what's on Raw?
>
>5.......
SAMANTHA: Reasons not to hurt Kefka? Yeah right! I can't think of *one*!
>
>There was a flash of light in the vehicle....
>
>4.......
NASH: Oh, man... we're back in the first chapter.
STEVE: Now I know why the planet's called Mobius! The horror never ends!
ARGH!
>
>It almost makes impact......
SAMANTHA: Damn!
>
>3.......
>
>It is only 50 feet away from the top of the citadel......
MARK: I'm only fifty feet away from caring.
>
>2.......
SAMANTHA: More reasons to kill Kefka? Easy enough...
>
>A figure jumps out of the vehicle......
SAMANTHA <figure>: AHH!!!
BRET: *SPLAT*!
RYAN <Garbageman>: Jeez, we're gonna need the spatula again...
>
>1.......
>
>The vehicle crashes into the top of the citadel, breaking off the top.
SAMANTHA: Even though it said earlier that it *almost* hits the citadel.
Oh well, continuity just flew out the window again.
NASH: Well, would you expect anything else from Kefka's protege?
>The vehicle flew a little farther, and then exploded. The figure looks
>at the crash, and then pauses for a moment, as if he was listening to
>someone.
STEVE <figure>: Yeah, yeah... that definitely sounds like a crash,
alright.
>He turned to the Great forest a nd bolts out of Sonotropolis,
>making a big boom and having a trail of light following him.
SAMANTHA: Whoa! The Flash just arrived!
MARK <singing>: Blue streak speeds by... Sonic the Hedgehog...
>
> * * *
>
> At the meeting place, two humans just came into view as Sonic was
>attacking the others.
SAMANTHA: It's Self-Insertion day here in ASADAE Part 6.
>Sonic just saw the two and said, "Who the hell are
>you two? It doesn't matter, I'll take care of you." He charged at one
>of the humans with his sword. The other o ne pulled out his sword, and
>attacked Sonic. It looked ocward, the tall human fighting Sonic.
BRET: It looked ocward, did the author's spelling.
SAMANTHA: That's spelled awkward, Kefka.
MARK: Remember, this isn't Kefka, it's his protege.
> "Mac!" the other human yelled, "What are you doing!?!?!"
SAMANTHA: No! Not Sailor Mac! Leave her alone, Sonic!
RYAN: Don't worry. I think this is a guy.
> "Saving you're behind, Josh," Mac said back. Sonic continued to
>attack Mac, until he saw something on Mac's sword.
STEVE: It was a carving of a dragon! 'There can be only one', shouted
the human before he lopped Sonic's head off...
> He paused, and then yelled, "HOW CAN A %@#$*&^ HUMAN HAVE
>POSSESSION OF THE SOUL EATER!?!?!?!?!" He then started to shoot energy
>at the two.
NASH: But you wouldn't *believe* where it came from...
RYAN: I have the very bad feeling this is gonna be of some importance
later.
>Josh was able to hold off the blast and alert a certain someone.
SAMANTHA: Another Author Avatar?
> "MIKE!" Josh screamed, "Help us! Find this signal!"
BRET: Oh, they're calling *Mike*? Sonic doesn't have a chance!
> A couple seconds later, a missile hit the ground, and forces Sonic
>to stop firing at Josh, and Mac. "WHAT THE *#&$ WAS THAT?!?!?!?!?!?!"
SAMANTHA: Wasn't that Cid's Fourth Limit break?
RYAN: Nah, there would've been a hell of a lot more missles.
>Just then, a figure dived into the area, and delivered a kick to the
>back of Sonic's head.
RYAN: ALRIGHT!! A boot to the head makes it's appearance!
MARK: Unlike those McFarlane figures, which can't friggin' move.
> Now everyone else was completely confused by now
STEVE: Yeah, pretty much. What does this have to do with anything,
Kefka? And isn't Sonic in the Great Forest beating up the Freedom
Fighters?
>(who wouldn't?).
>Now, THREE humans are in the area.
NASH <Counting Count>: THREE! Three useless humans! Ah-ha-ha-ha!
>The third one had metallic arms and
>legs.
> "Mike!" Josh yelled, "You made it!"
SAMANTHA: That had better not be Mike Nelson!
> "Yea, but we really need to get some insurance for our Ship," Mike
>replied, smiling.
> "Cocky, aren't you?" Sonic said
BRET: Oh, like *you* should be talking.
>as he stood up and fired a blast
>at the three while they were off guard. Josh and Mac were blasted
>back, but Mike jumped out of the way just in time.
SAMANTHA: Jump back! Kiss myself!
> Mike landed on the ground and saw that his twin and his best
>friend were now unconscious.
MARK: So Mike's a member of DOA, I take it.
> "Gee, your one sick, sick bastard, huh?" Mike commented.
SAMANTHA: And he got this within a few seconds of meeting Sonic. This
- must* be an Author Avatar.
> "This time I won't miss," Sonic said back. Sonic tried another
>shot, but Mike then dashed at a tree, almost as fast Sonic could run!
STEVE: Sadly, Mike couldn't stop too well, and slammed into said tree at
well over 200 miles per hour. Days later, they were still finding Avatar
chunks.
NASH: And then we they got done, they all decided to go see what was on
Raw.
>Mike then jumped back and landed behind Sonic. He then pulled out a
>handgun and fired at Sonic's head. Sonic fell ove r with a grunt.
>"I'm one sixteen year old you don't want to mess with, being the best
street
>fighter in three universes," Mike replied.
RYAN: Somewhere, Ryu is cracking his knuckles to kick a certain
someone's ass.
BRET: Now I actually *want* Sonic to kill him.
SAMANTHA: Yup! Author Avatar!
> "Well, lucky you," Sonic healed himself and stood up. He held his
>sword in strike position and charged.
MARK: Sonic had his intelligence sucked out by the reality warping
powers of the Avatar.
>Mike leaped over Sonic, and then
>pummeled him from behind. Mike then started to dash at him, but then
>Sonic shouted, "HINDON STRIKE!"
STEVE: A flaming zeppelin fell out of the sky and crushed Mike.
>A surged bol t of lightning flew out
>of Sonic's hand and struck Mike. Mike wasn't knocked back for some
>reason. "Impossible," Sonic started.
SAMANTHA: This story is getting incredibly screwed up. I mean, it's like
the fabric if reality is unraveling before our very eyes.
RYAN: Jeez, this guy couldn't make up a move to save his life.
BRET: Oh yeah? What would you have called it?
RYAN: I dunno... it had to do with lightning right? Maybe Chou Inazuma
Dan or something like that.
> "Did I mention I own the lightning rune?" Mike question,
>mockingly. A field of lightning surrounded him and then shot at Sonic,
>knocking him over.
NASH: He drinks lots of Jolt cola, I see.
> "Grrrrrrrr...SLOW!" Sonic shouted as Mike dashed at Sonic again.
>Mike's speed slowed down immensely.
BRET: FAST!!
SAMANTHA: What?
BRET: Just seeing if that would work in real life.
> "Ohhhhhhhhh crap!" Mike yelled.
SAMANTHA <Joel>: Oh poopie.
> "Heh, heh, heh.....INFERNO!" A large ball of fire flew at Mike,
>knocking him over and scorching the left side of his body.
MARK <Jim Ross>: Mike is on fire! MAH GOD! Sonic wins the Inferno match!
RYAN <singing>: Burn baby burn... DISCO INFERNO!!
NASH: What does he have to do with this?
>Mike got
>up, and still charged at Sonic.
STEVE: Yes, Mike was still stupid.
RYAN: He's a self insertion character. What do you expect?
>"You're going to be a little harder than I
>thought," Sonic spoke. "NUKE!" A large blas t surrounded Mike, making
>him fall over, and being completely injured.
RYAN: Unfortunately, the ensuing radiation killed everyone else. Sad,
really.
SAMANTHA: Of course. Can't forget the injured part.
NASH: What? So he's dead?
BRET: Well... I dunno.
NASH: What the hell else would 'completely injured' mean?
MARK: Maybe Sonic was just very thorough. You know, made sure the burns
were all third degree, and that all of Mike's bones were broken and not
just fractured...
>Sonic walked over, "You were
>such a challenge," He said sarcastically.
NASH: Well, at least the Author Avatar got his butt kicked.
STEVE: Yeah, but at the cost of what little logic and reason were left
in this story.
>He rose his blade for the final blow.
>
>(End of his part..now back the our regularly scedualed writers! ^_^ )
SAMANTHA: Aw crap! Back to Kefka!
>
> "I can't stand it " screamed Sonya "SONIC! Fight me now!" Sonic
>laughed and kicked the body of this Mike Human away and made room for
>Sonya.
SAMANTHA: Hey! She actually saved someone instead of *being* saved!
[pause] The universe is gonna implode pretty soon, isn't it?
BRET [beginning to hyperventilate]: But... Sonic fought the humans in
Sonotropolis... it had nothing to do with this plotline... time and
space are bending at random... ARRGGH!!
MARK: I think the fabric of reality *is* coming apart.
> "Sure thing...Sis" Sonya drew her blade
SAMANTHA: In Anime style.
>out and circled Sonic. He
>had to use magic to defeat her. So he made the first move and began to
>chant.
ALL: NUG-GET! NUG-GET!
>"FIRE 3!" he screeched, Sonya had time to look up as a red ball
>appeared from the dark sky
SAMANTHA <Sonya>: Oh poopie!
>and struck her down
> with the force of an explosion;
NASH: ... and the appearance of a shower of spring daisies.
>she doubled over but stood again, her
>clothing burned.
SAMANTHA: And those were brand new, too!
> "PEARL" she chanted and a purity mystical bolt shot at him.
>Everything became white for he dark one,
STEVE <singing>: Ebony and Ivory...
>a tunnel of pure white magic
>encircled him as 3 spheres twirled around him and sent the magi into
>his system, causing him deep pain.
BRET: DEEP HURTING! DEEP HURTING!
> Sonic tried his best to endure the purity attack."That HURT, Sis.
>But it didn't hurt as much as I'm gonna hurt you"
> Sonya was already delivering a blow however.
RYAN: Boy, I didn't think she could get on her knees that quickly...
NASH: Not too surprising, really.
SAMANTHA: You don't deliver blows with a sword, you slice off limbs with
it!
>Sonic caught the
>sword in midair and kick Sonya back.
MARK: Unfortunately, Sonic's hand was sliced clean away in doing so.
>"OOf!" She hit the ground but got
>up quickly.
STEVE: Only a one-count!!
> "Don't you just LOVE sibling rivalry?" He charged at her and
>knocked her down again but Sonya grabbed dirt and threw in his eyes
>before he could hit her again.
SAMANTHA: Oh, what a *dirty* fighter she is!
>"HOW underhanded of yo~.."
RYAN: Mama?
> Sonya slashed a piece
>of his neck.
BRET: ... and then gave it back to Sonic nicely wrapped in brown paper.
>Sonic released a fireball and bl ew her back while he
>covered his neck. "Pretty deep blow. VERY close, Sis." Sonya was
already
>casting another spell.
NASH <Sonya>: Dreezle drazzle drozzle drone...
>"OH NO you don't!" Scream Sonic and he released a dark
>cloud around her.
SAMANTHA: Eww! Sonic farted!
> "Wha.."She shook her head a few times. "What was THAT for? Seems
>like a pretty unless attack"
MARK: 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...
> "Just wait"
SAMANTHA: Don't. Just attack him!
> Sonya held her sword up but then... "N....NO!!!!"
MARK: And we have soul-crushing mental attack!
>The crowd became concerned about her condition.
SAMANTHA: Hey, crowd! Now's your chance! Get Sonic!
>"Ples....Please" She cried "Don't!! I beg
>you!! Knuckles please.......Don't do this..." All head turned to
>Knuckles.
STEVE <Sonya>: He's snagging on me! He's snagging on me!
> "What?" he asked
BRET <childlike>: I'm not doin' nothin! You're not the boss of me!
> Sonya dropped to her knees. "PLEASE STOP!! Please.....Please
>stop....*sniff* .......I can't stand this..Please by goddess..."
NASH <Sonya>: Fran Drescher's voice... in my mind... can't fight...
>tears were rolling off of her face. "NOOOOO!!"She started to scream
again.
>Knuckles angry
SAMANTHA: I would certainly hope so. His lady love is about to be
killed.
RYAN: No way. Sonic would probably want to keep her handy... ugh, that
hurt as soon as I said it...
>was bearing but he didn't know what was happening to his beloved.
MARK: So he *certainly* wasn't going to try and do anything about it!
>"Daddy...."She said in almost a whisper. "Not you....*sniff* please
>no...I'm your daughter!! Stop!!" Her screaming began again.
RYAN <Sonya>: I don't WANT to give grandma a sponge bath!!
> "What did you do to her, scum?!!" Demanded Knuckles.
> "Oh, nothing." Sonic said casually
BRET <Sonic>: Just the fact that I'm torturing her beyond comprehension.
Pretty bland, actually...
> "I missed hearing her screams. She was always a loud screamer"
SAMANTHA: Who said that line?
RYAN: Sonic... it had to be Sonic... cause if it was Knuckles or
Robotnik, I'd pass out.
> Knuckles then realized what was going on. As well did the rest of
>the crowd. Sonya was being mentally raped and her attackers in her mind
>were Knuckles and her father. Lunarus couldn't stand to hear her
>screaming anymore.
STEVE <Lunarus>: Christ! I used to be able to *hear* with that ear,
y'know...
>Sonic wouldn't attack her.
BRET: Um... he just did...
>He would wait till she passed out
>over mental exhaustion. "ENOUGH" Lunarus screamed. He leaped right in
>and gave Sonya to Knuckles to watch over.
SAMANTHA: Finally, he's beginning to play the father figure!
> "Well, that was NO fun. I hate forfeits."
NASH <Sonic>: C'mon! Let's play again! I'll give myself a handicap!
> "Who care about your wants" Lunarus scolded
SAMANTHA: What do you know... someone with common sense.
> "I DO and the world does....If they knows what's good for them" he
>paused "So why ruin my fun with Sonya, hair boy?
MARK <Lunarus, whiny>: Because it's *my* turn to get my butt kicked!
>
>Lunarus Grinned slightly and began to chant, a grey circle surrounded
>him, stripping his fur away and altering his form back into....
>
>The Fat Man
STEVE: Hugh Morrus?
BRET: John Tenta?
NASH: Mark Henry?
MARK: Vader?
SAMANTHA: Chief?
RYAN: McCloud!
>
> The crowd all gasped including the conscious gaining Snivley.
SAMANTHA: Especially since he wasn't wearing anything at all!
>"Well....You're alive. LONG time no see. Wished it was longer. Hey
>'dad' tell me. You proud of your son son for doing what you could NEVER
>do??
STEVE: What? Using his ridiculously plot-contrived powers to make
audiences ill?
> "Oh please! I had reign like you WITH a resistance movement JUST
>like you. So you haven't done anything much different in ruling the
>planet"
SAMANTHA: Uh... I'm not sure who's winning this argument here. Anyone
know?
NASH: But you have to admit, Sonic *does* get a lot more tail than
Robotnik ever did.
BRET: Nash...
> "Wrong my dear father; Unlike you; I bring FEAR to the
>resistance....Look around you father...look at what you could never
>do....Smell the fear in the air..."
MARK <Robotnik>: Ah... that's just the lard processing plant up the
road, Sonic.
>Sonic inhaled deeply and sighed
>with ecstasy. "The rape in the air; the blood...yesss father," Sonic
spoke
>sarcastically "I've done nothing more then you..."
SAMANTHA: Yeah, you became one sick *BLEEP*!
>
> Robotnik remained silent for a moment
STEVE <Robotnik>: Hmm... does kinda have a point...
>
> "Oh...but since you've done more. You'll be brought down much
>harder then I have"
NASH: Why yes, Sonic *has* been brought down much harder than you have.
Y'see, it all goes back to my point about Sonic getting more tail than
you...
> "Yeah right" he scuffed
> "That's what I said a long time ago" Robotnik smiled.
BRET <Robotnik>: I wasn't very articulate, was I?
> "Then I'll have to kill this group quicker. Then..." he looked to
>Sally once more who cling to Miles tighter.
SAMANTHA <Miles>: Think you could let go, Sally? I can't feel my leg
anymore.
>
> While this was happening Tails was having a battle in his mind
MARK <Miles>: Original recipe or extra crispy? Can't... decide...
>on whether he should fight or not.
SAMANTHA <singing>: Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
><<If I go fight then Sally won't have the
>comfort I give her during this hard time.
STEVE: I dunno, I think Sonic's head on a pike would be *very*
comforting to Sally right now.
>But if I don't then the
>others are at risk. But what IF one of the others beat him then I
won't have
>to fight and leave Sally.
NASH: Well, a mark of great leadership *is* knowing when to delegate
responsibility. See, like right now? Completely the wrong time.
>Should I fight?>>
SAMANTHA: Just fight! You're the leader and your friends are getting
killed! There's no choice in this kind of situation!
BRET: Look, there's no sense in trying to reason this out. It's Kefka
logic, it *can't* make sense.
> "..and then I can go back to my merry ways" Sonic remarked
ALL <singing>: Merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream!
> "Not if you're defeated" Robotnik added
> "Who says I'm gonna lose" A sly smile crossed his face. Robotnik
>changed back to his wolf figure and prepared for battle.
MARK <Robotnik>: Okay, I've got my ten and twenty-sided dice, my
character sheet... now where are those maps?
>Lunarus immediately casted a black hole trying to draw Sonic into the
black
>nothingness inside.
STEVE <Robotnik>: Here... read ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY!
>Sonic avoiding it completely. Howev er the same
>can't be said about some people in the crowd.
SAMANTHA: Oh, good one Robuttnick!
RYAN: Now HERE'S where a Kenny joke should go.
>"HA!" Laughs Sonic who was
>cracking up.
NASH: Man, they really need to get him into detox. Worked wonders for
Scott.
> "DAMN!" Yelled Lunarus.
BRET <Robotnik>: DAMN! I guess I'm gonna die now!
> "What ARE you trying to do!! Make it more easier on me! Stupid
>old man!" Sonic was still laughing. Sonic was still cracking up at his
>father's stupid mistake.
MARK: Sonic pointed and laughed at Robotnik and got all the other kids
to call him names and beat him up and snag on him.
>This gave Lunarus the chance. "Now.." Sonic
>wiped away a tear "where...??"
SAMANTHA: Is a good writer? Don't ask us.
>
>Lunarus was gone.
STEVE: The company had replaced with new brightening formula Lunarus,
with more cleaning power for your dollar.
>
> "humph, coward." just as those words of encouragement were spoken
NASH: YOU SUCK!!
BRET: Thanks for the encouragement.
>Lunarus launched an Ice attack at Sonic from behind but missed. "My my
>my....Your aim is AWFUL!"Sonic smirked. Lunarus casted a fireball. But
>Sonic dodged it and the attack hit the crowd.
SAMANTHA: After that first attack, people with *common sense* would have
moved away, but not these people!
> The rest of the (living) crowd were beginning to wonder who's side
>Lunarus was on!
MARK <random crowd member>: Hey, shouldn't we run for our lives or
something?
STEVE <another random crowd member>: Heck no! I wanna stay and see whose
side Lunarus is on!
>Even Sonic "Who's side are you on, old man?!"
> After casting a spell that stopped a majority of the crowd,
>Knuckles jumped in and kicked Lunarus out. "You're causing more harm in
>a minute then Sonic did in FIVE minutes!!" Yelled echidna.
NASH <Knuckles>: That's a five-to-one harm ratio! We'll never pass
inspection like this!
> "Ahhh...this brings back memories. Eh, Knuckles?"
SAMANTHA <singing>: Memories! Nothing more than memories...
> "Yeah" Knuckles got into a battle stance
> "Times change tho. It will never be like the battles when we were
>almost equal"
BRET: It'll be more like the giant jobber squashes we've spent the past
ten pages or so reading.
> "Just shut up and fight already" Knuckles said calmly His claws
>sharpens and ready to draw blood.
SAMANTHA: So his claws are artists?
>
> "Fine" Sonic launched the first attack this time. Doing a jab in
>Knuckles face who countered with his claws cutting some of his face.
>Sonic kicked him back and was ready with another one of his strong
punches.
MARK: Y'see, Sonic should be going for a combo here. I'm thinking a
couple of mediums followed by some jabs... those slow strong punches
will get him killed.
RYAN: No wait, a couple of jabs into a few mediums to stagger him. THEN
wallop him with a strong! Either that or just beat the bloody hell out
of him to do an ultra combo.
>But Knuckles got up he chanted for a second and
SAMANTHA: ... gave Sonic the time needed to blast him away.
>held out his clawed hands and
>screamed "TOSHIN KAZE"
STEVE: RAMA-LAMA-DING-DONG!!
>the wind picked up and light blue boomerang like
>blades made of the air fired at Sonic.
NASH: When Nerf goes horribly wrong.
>
> Sonic got hit by some; blood slowly began to spill from various
>cuts.
SAMANTHA: Yes yes yes... We got the 'blood seeping from wounds' part
down pretty good now.
>He smiled and simply used his speed and banged Knuckles hard with
>his body going 100 mph.
BRET: Hasn't there been *enough* banging in this story?
SAMANTHA: Damn! What kind of engine does Sonic have under the hood?
>This knocked some air out of Knuckles by he could
>still fight.
SAMANTHA: Fight, yes. Spell, no.
MARK: And his grammar went straight to hell about five pages back.
>He wouldn't give up so easily. Sonic then uppercut the
>determined Knuckles.
STEVE <Sonic>: SHORYUKEN!
RYAN: Aha! Kefka logic once again! If *I* was fighting, I would've used
my whole super bar to do a level three Shouryuureppa!
BRET [whispers to Samantha]: I think Ryan's gone a bit off his rocker.
SAMANTHA: [whispering back] Well, he has to have something to keep
himself busy with.
> Red Claw got knocked back a few yards, he regained his center of
>balance took in deep breaths drewing up energy for his next attack.
NASH: Finally angered to the point of blind rage, Knuckles went
Super-Saiyan and proceeded to kill Sonic in a way so horrifyingly bloody
that it made Nav wince.
BRET: And then he watched Raw!
>He had to work quick for Sonic was already coming towards him.
SAMANTHA: Actually, Sonic's stunt double was coming at him while the
real Sonic was sitting aside, sipping a beer.
> "Not like the old days huh?!" Knuckles released his AuraBolt
>projectile on the dark hedgehog.
MARK: Then Sabin ran-in and proceeded to fly around with his dreadlocks.
>A half blinding light blue light
>formed in his paws and shot out throwing the hedgehog back. Knuckles
saw
>this as the perfect time; he grabbed Sonic and leapped up into the air
high and
>turn ed Sonic down head first, with a grin he let him go to fall head
>first into the ground.
SAMANTHA: Hey Mark! Sonic just ripped off your trademark wresting move!
STEVE: No way! That's an AK-47!
MARK: And even if it *is* my move, that just means that Knuckles goes on
the list right behind Steve McMichaels and Fit Finley.
> Sonic's back was hurting as he rose up slowly, That meant the
>stupid chiropractors again.
SAMANTHA: Even though he can heal any other wound with his magic. It
makes no sense really!
>"Now let's have some REAL fun now, Knux!
>You're not the only one to draw energy!!" Which he did. Sonic closed
>his eyes and held up his hands, a pulsing sound pi erced Knuckles ears,
he
>held his head and groaned in pain as it became louder and louder.
[All hold hands over ears]
NASH: Who let Sonic have a Mariah Carey CD?
>Sonic
>Screamed "Shukketsumimi wo rosuru!"
BRET: YUZURENAI NEGAI!!
SAMANTHA: KUROI YAGARE!!
RYAN: KONGOU KOKURETSUDAN!!
MARK: SONOMAMA SHINE!!
STEVE: Ah... Gesundheit?
NASH: Times like this I wish I had a Japanese/English dictionary.
>Meaning Bleeding Deafness. Knuckles
>howled out in torment, he removed his gloves from his dreadlocks and
>stared at the blo od oozing on them.
STEVE <Knuckles>: It's red... we're not Code-approved any more...
>All he could give is a low moan before
>passing out.
SAMANTHA: Didn't that happen in Warlock?
RYAN: No, the farmer bled from the eyes, not the ears.
SAMANTHA: Oh.
> "No" Sonic laughed "Who's next?"
MARK: God damn you, Bret! That's the fourth time this post!
>The next fights were just
>regular Returners. He then fought Bunnie who, like Snively, Fell
>easily to a lightning spell.
SAMANTHA <Kefka>: Ah, I think I'll just pull a Koopa for this fight.
> "Now let's see" Sonic looked over the crowd "Who's left?" Everyone
>else had fight him and lost, piles of dead and half dead bodies lied
>everywhere,
NASH: Clean-up on aisle seven...
>all were defeated...all... but "MILES! I believe it's YOUR
>turn..."
SAMANTHA: Everyone fought already? Man, Kefka is pulling more and more
Koopa's out of his butt then I thought possible!
> Tails had been trying to avoid this as much as he could.
BRET: Apparently Miles is a little coward who just STOOD BY while the
guy who raped and beat his one true love killed all of his friends and
allies!
STEVE: Our hero, ladies and gentlemen. Our hero.
RYAN: He ain't MY hero.
SAMANTHA: Same here! Bret's *my* hero!
>But now he couldn't anymore.
SAMANTHA <sarcastic>: After all, he *is* the leader of the rebel forces
and they can't afford to lose him!
>Sally looked up to him knowing he would have to take on
>her tormentor. She nodded her head for him to go.
MARK <Sally>: Okay, go and get killed now if you *have* to. I'll just
wait here so the winner can have his way with me.
>She didn't want him
>to fight him. But none of them had a choice in the matter. Tails
signals
>now concious Bunnie to come over and take Sally.
NASH: Nope, that's in Tekka-Sonic.
SAMANTHA: But I thought that Sonic killed everyone that he fought...
Oww, my head...
>He knew she couldn't be alone now. Sally was giving little cries
BRET <Sally>: Happy birthday! Happy birthday!
>and Miles prayed he didn't lose the fight against Sonic.
SAMANTHA: And I pray that Kefka had better have a good hiding spot
because when I find him...
> Sonic gave a wicked smiles when he came in. He knew exactly what
>to do with 'little' Tails.
STEVE: Sonic *would* force him to write a term paper on the French
Revolution!
BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!
>Tails didn't waited for no dramatic speech
SAMANTHA: What? No twenty minute good guy talk? Boo! I want my money
back!
MARK <Booker T>: He just went and did it the way he used to back on
110th street, SUCKA!
>before the fight he just wanted to destroy Sonic and get back to Sally.
>If he won she would never have to go through ANY torment at all!
NASH: Yes, people, Tails is just figuring this out.
>He wanted to fight now. More then ever.
BRET <motherly>: Well, you should've thought about that before everyone
got killed, young man!
> "You die!" He took his sword and thrusted it hard at Sonic slicing
>his side.
STEVE <Tails>: No peace! Die!
> "ACK!" Came from the hedgehog.
SAMANTHA: A new character named ACK?! What a weird name.
MARK: I've been stabbed! ACK!
>"When I'm done with you I'm gonna
>get Sally..."
NASH <Sonic>: And her little dog, too!
>Tails casted an energy draining spell on Sonic which took
>only a little power away from him. "Not good enough! Sally gonna
>BLEED when I get through with her!!"
SAMANTHA: We have now established the fact that Sonic is evil. Thank
you, Kefka.
BRET: And it only took Kefka, what, 400 pages of gratuitous sexual
violence?
> "NEVER" Miles yelled slashing his side.
> "Oh Sally's gonna bleed more then that!!"Sonic wanted to get Tails
>mad. He would be confused and wouldn't fight as good.
STEVE: The sad thing is that Sonic's the smartest character in this
story.
>That wasn't the
>only reason why he wanted to make Tails mad. For his own personal
>enjoyment he'd watch the foxes eyes flare with r age and fustration, oh
>yes, this was the life for the dark one.
MARK: Cuz Sonic's, y'know... evil. Just want to make sure everyone's
gotten that by now.
SAMANTHA <Sonic>: I never wanted to be the dark one. I've always wanted
to be... a Lumberjack!
>Sonic grabbed hold of Tails and
>flipped him over.
NASH: Arm-drag takeover!
BRET: It's amazing that you know the names of moves you can't do.
>He would torment the fox as much as he could.
STEVE: But he'd stop when he reached the limit. No point in taking
things too far.
>
> "You know..Sally was on the ground...just like you are now. Only
>her screams were much more musical"
SAMANTHA: What? Was she playing the flute while you raped her?
MARK: No, she was screaming musically, kind of like Enya.
RYAN: Or Alanis Morisette.
> "Bastard.." Tails fired a high voltage attack at him.
NASH: But Kaos and Rage just *weren't* good enough!
>Sonic didn't
>mind getting hurt a bit. He liked the actions of the angered fox.
BRET: Sonic enjoyed being shot at!
SAMANTHA: Ah, Sonic is a masochist.
>Also each taunt he made to Tails made Sally shiver with fear. Sally
clung
>to her old friend tight but still wasn't the same comfort she felt with
>Miles.
SAMANTHA: Considering that Bunny was dead...
> When she decided to look up she saw Sonic slash Miles' side and
>immediately tucked her head back into Bunnie's shoulder.
STEVE: She hid like the useless dishrag of a woman she was while the men
settled things.
>
>Sonic licked the fox's blood off his nails.
MARK <Sonic>: Crimson just *isn't* my color!
>
> "Mmm..not bad." Sonic sucked the remaining blood off. "That won't
>help you" Sonic jested in reference to the recent spell.
NASH: Kevin expectorated in reference to the current story.
>"Not when I
>get done with you." And he fired a bolt of electrical power at Tails.
BRET: SUPREME THUNDER!!
RYAN <Makoto>: HEY!! Stop stealing my shtick!
>Miles blocked the lightning attack and launched
SAMANTHA: ... a Nuclear missile.
> an ice spell. "Brrr. I felt a little chill. Wonder what that
>could've been?" He smiled wickedly.
SAMANTHA: Damn, Sonic is strong! Makes me wonder if he's an Author
Avatar.
STEVE: Man, Sonic's more like some kind of super-Avatar. *Oscar* didn't
make himself this invincible!
>
>"How about this?!" And Tails casted a higher freeze spell, Sonic had
>time to do a small scream as a wall of ice struck him dead on.
MARK <Tails>: IT'S BRISK, BABY!!
> Sonic was freezing and went to remove some icicles from his quills
>but Tails jumped at him and took a finger off of Sonic.
SAMANTHA: I guess Sonic won't be able to high five anyone anymore.
NASH <Tails>: Yeah, can I borrow this for a minute? I'll give it right
back...
>Whom blew him
>back with a explosion of fire magic.
> "My....my..." He looked at his four fingered left hand.
BRET: Sonic only had four fingers anyway!! He's a damn cartoon
character!
STEVE: You're entering rant territory...
>"You're gonna pat for that"
SAMANTHA: Sonic's going to give Tails a pat on the back? How nice.
>A small aura surrounded Sonic. Tails was ready to
>take off the rest of that bastard's hand off.
MARK: I'd suggest going for something a bit more vital, Tails...
>
>But Sonic was chanting and Tails knew what the Latin Sonic was saying
>was.
NASH: He was saying, "ARRIBA LA RAZA!"
>
> The Ultima spell
SAMANTHA: <Joel> Oh poopie.
>
>A bead of sweat immediately formed and he rushed at Sonic for a fatal
>blow; because if he didn't, the Ultima would be their fatal blow.
SAMANTHA: Don't you mean 'the end'?
BRET: Poor Kefka, trying *so hard* to turn a good phrase...
>
>However Tails was too far away. That fire spell blew him back to far.
SAMANTHA: And Far was such a nice town this time of the year.
>He tried to run faster using his twin tails. But no good.
STEVE: His ass just *wasn't* strong enough.
>The Ultima
>chant was finished. Sonic grinned evilly and rose his hands up, a red
light
>under him began to emmit,
MARK: ... Kelly?
>slowly fo rming a pentagram around him and
>rising him high above them. He was seeping darkness into that Ultima
for
>more agony on the Neo Freedom Fighters and remaining Returners.
SAMANTHA: Shouldn't they all be running away by now?
NASH: Oh, so a regular Ultima just isn't good enough for you, now is it,
Sonic? It has to be an *evil* Ultima, doesn't it?
>
>A big blue circle began to form.
BRET: ... and then a bear in a big blue house.
>It looked almost like a globe with
>it's little teal spots. Many of the crowd began to run away but it
would do
>no good.
STEVE: Kefka wanted a big body count for this one, and they were cursed
to be nameless extras.
RYAN: I spot a couple of red shirts in the crowd...
>The spell was half way through.
SAMANTHA: Well maybe you guys should have started running earlier!
>It would only be seconds before
>all they would ever see is darkness.
SAMANTHA: Actually, the Ultima spell is more like an atom bomb going
off.
MARK: Ah, so they'll be seeing a flaming white wall of painful death.
RYAN: Well, for a split nanosecond before their eyeballs boil in their
sockets.
>
>"Hey Sal!!" Sonic called out and did a quick telekinetic spell and
>lifted her far into the air.
NASH <Sally>: Ooh... where's my dramamine...
>
>Not even knowing Sally would live through the Ultima blast, was a
>comfort to Miles. They both knew she would face something far more
painful
>and tortuous then an Ultima.....
>
SAMANTHA: One of Raven's rants?
BRET: No, the main event from 'Bash at the Beach'!
OTHERS: NOOOOOO!!
> Sonic the Hedgehog.
STEVE: Or something not entirely unlike him.
>
>Miles wished he would have fought sooner. Maybe then he could have
>saved everyone.
MARK: Oh, so *now* the little Freedom Fighter's gonna bitch and moan.
Look, nobody held a gun to your head and *made* you quiver in the
background like a coward...
>But now only guilt filled his heart along with sadness of
>never being able to see Sally again.
SAMANTHA: Well, it's your own fault!
>
>A tear drop fell.
SAMANTHA: Aww... how touching...
NASH: Stuff happened. People died.
BRET: So, what's on Raw?
>
>The Ultima ball took 4 seconds to form and explode.
>
>
>
>
BRET: Umm... is this it?
STEVE: No, no, Kefka's just trying to be artsy.
>
>
>
>
>
>
NASH: Yes? And? C'mon, story...
RYAN: Nash! Shh! This is the best part! Absolutely nothing!
MARK: Well, I guess that *was* the end. Abrupt, but different.
STEVE: No! No! It can't end like this! That means Sonic wins! I didn't
spend all this time up here just to see that rat bastard win!!
>
>
>
>
>
>
BRET: Well, are you over or not? Make up your mind, story, we've got
stuff to do.
NASH: No, you have a chick to do.
BRET: NASH!
[Samantha growls and takes out her sword.]
RYAN: Yeah, Nash. The correct term is make love, you boob.
NASH: No, no, y'see, Samantha's a girl, so she's the one with the...
[Mark conveniently lightning bolts Nash.]
SAMANTHA: [putting sword away] Thank you, Mark.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
SAMANTHA: Umm... are we still in the fanfic, or was that a horrible
scene we weren't supposed to see?
MARK: No, the edits weren't quite this irritating.
[To pass the time, Ryan starts humming 'Dare to be Stupid']
>
>
>
>
>
>
STEVE: Come *on*, story! Life! Movement! Something!
[Mark gets up and checks the theater doors]
MARK: Well, there's still no oxygen outside. I guess this *is* part of
the story.
>
>
>
>
>
>
BRET: Er... ah... well, then...
STEVE: Oh, screw this! [pulls out a comic book]
[Nash leans back in his seat and begin napping. Mark's eyes roll back
in his head as he begins communing with the Dark Side. Bret and Samantha
snuggle and whisper to each other, Samantha occasionally giggling. And
Ryan CONTINUES to hum 'Dare to be Stupid' and has even begun singing.]
RYAN <singing>: You can be an underachiever, you can sit around the
house and watch 'Leave it to Beaver'...
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
SAMANTHA: I get it! This is a view of the intellectual part of Kefka's
mind! Notice the black spot?
BRET: Wow, I can't even see it.
RYAN [gets up and starts dancing while still singing]: The future's up
to you... so what you gonna do?
>
>
> Tails got up and groaned in pain.
ALL: GYAH!!
NASH: Geez, why can't the story *tell* us when it's gonna do that?
[Everyone gets back into riffing shape]
>All he remember was the Sonic
>and the Ultima.
MARK: ... and the witch, and the wardrobe.
><<The Ultima? I'm alive?!>> He thought He got up and
>looked around.
SAMANTHA: But instead he was dead and his soul was on its way to heaven.
Sad, really.
>Blood was decorating the plant life and ground around the
>place.
STEVE: How festive! I remember when I was kid, how we'd decorate the
house with blood for Christmas...
>Some bodies impaled onto trees and rocks.
STEVE: Oh, we were too poor to afford any of those. But the people up
the street had *tons* of 'em... you had to whack the flies away with a
tennis racket!
BRET: That's enough of that gag, Steve.
>He was a horrible site.
RYAN: Must've tried to make one under Geocities or Tripod.
SAMANTHA: After a battle like that, I would be in pretty bad shape as
well.
>But the hope in this place was crying.
NASH <singing>: I've had my share... of the Crying Game...
>
> A person's cry. Someone was alive. Miles looked around to find
>Locy's weak but breathing body...
MARK <Tails>: Man, this makes Spawn look *good*.
>He removed Her helmet and saw burn
>marks covering her face. Tears were steaming down.
STEVE: After being baked alive and nuked, I think she *would* be
'steaming'.
SAMANTHA: Hang on here! She's cannned food for crying out loud! She
ain't alive!
BRET: Kefka, could you at least wait a few pages before ret-conning?
>
> Her armored saved her life.
SAMANTHA: Armored what? A little elaboration please...
><<Wouldn't Antoine be happy?>> Thought
>Tails
NASH <Tails>: His girlfriend's a suffering ball of scar tissue! Antoine
will love this!
>"Antoine?" He said aloud and searched the place hard for him over
>dead no longer identifiable bodies.
MARK: Well, we've gotta give props to Kefka for killing Antoine.
Granted, it wasn't nearly as bloody or agonizing as it should have been,
but he *is* dead.
[The others nod their heads in agreement]
>
> "Little one..."
SAMANTHA: Who said that?
> "Sonya" Tails looked up. There enough was beautiful pink
>hedgehog, even bloody and battered she looked like an angel.
SAMANTHA: A bloody and bruised angel, but an angel nonetheless.
STEVE: So angels have lotsa, correct?
RYAN [singing]: Sankoku na tenshi no youoni...
>
> "Sonya!! Are you alright?!"
>
> "I've just got an impact of an Ultima. How do you think I feel,
>my little one"
RYAN: My little one? Oh no, I'm not even gonna START thinking about that one...
BRET <Sonya>: God! You and your stupid concern can just go straight to hell!
>she stoked his fur.
SAMANTHA: GYAH! Don't go into this! The scene's bad enough already!
>"I just gotten over..." She shivered
>"what my damn brother did to me"
> "Yeah.."
NASH <Tails>: Yeah, baby... just a little closer now...
>
> "I tried hard to cast a protective barrier around everyone. At
>least they could have barley survived the Ultima.......
SAMANTHA: Maybe you should have cast Regen first, and then MBarrier.
That would have helped a lot!
RYAN: Maybe, but she could've been low on magic points after that fight.
Maybe she shoulda just stuck with Reflect.
>I couldn't cover
>everyone.... I had so little time.....Only a few.....Seconds..."she
>began to cry.
MARK <Sonya>: I hate having to rip off the ending of 'Kingdom Come'! I
just hate it!
>She couldn't see Knuckles anywhere . Her heart was in two
>right now.
SAMANTHA: Oh well, Knuckles is dead. Boo hoo. I'm crying a river here.
STEVE: I dunno. Knuckles was pretty cool before Kefka got a hold of him.
He deserved better.
>
> "Oh Sonya....You did what you could...That's all we can ever do"
BRET: That's all you *never did*, Mr. Grey Fox.
>
> But Miles was unharmed. Nothing. Not a mark on his body. <<I
>feel great...Not the way a person should feel after an Ultima.>>
RYAN: So this Ultima must've been less filling.
SAMANTHA: Cue the next plot contrivance!
NASH: Yeah, Ultima usually makes me feel pretty gassy.
MARK: Tell me about it...
>"Sally....?" He wanted to go search for her right now no questions
>asked. But he had to see if others were alive. To help whomever he
could
>since he didn't fought earlier.
STEVE: To pathetically attempt to make up for his disastrous cowardice.
>He could only find a few alive. Many of the
>Neo-Freedom Fighters he couldn't find. He feared the worst.
BRET <Tails>: Oh, man... they joined with those Heaven's Gate people, I
just *know* it...
>
> "Tails" Lunarus was there
> "You alive??"
SAMANTHA: <Tails> No, I'm one of the walking dead. Of course I'm alive!
>
> "Yes" he took a second to tend to his bleeding arm "I'll take care
>of things here" It was like Lunarus knew what he was thinking "Go"
NASH <Lunarus>: Go off and get killed. It's not like you're worth a crap
anyway.
>
> With that Tails took his blade and head off to find Sally.
RYAN: Head him off at the pass, Tails! [giggles] Here's hoping Sonic is
waiting to decapitate him...
BRET: Ryan, come on buddy, stay with us now... we're almost at the
end...
SAMANTHA: One thing is bothering me though... Where is Sonic?
MARK: Oh, he's off somewhere raping somebody, I'm sure.
>
> <<Sonic left the bodies behind. That mean he isn't far.
SAMANTHA: So Tails just *knows* that Sonic is alive... When did he gain
omnipotence?
STEVE: Remember, Tails has plot contrivance powers.
>His history shows he always uses the dead bodies for some sacrifice or
>what-in-the-hell-ever use he had for them.>>
BRET: We already know. Hickory smoked sausage.
NASH [stares at Bret]
BRET: Look, I've really reached the point where I no longer care.
>
> He heard a wimpering. A familar wimpering. He drew his blade.
MARK: Chris Jericho was out there... somewhere.
><<Where ever Sally's at, Sonic can't be far.>>
SAMANTHA: Sally, official whimperer of the ASADAE world.
STEVE [grumbling]: She's definitely the official wimp.
>
> He looked around a tree and sure enough Sally was there. On the
>ground, her clothes ripped. Blood covering her legs.
NASH: God, no! The Teletubbies got her!
RYAN: Looks like the sun-baby-god wanted a sacrifice...
>
> He did a quick check and an opening ear for when Sonic would come
>back.
SAMANTHA: But ears don't close, Tails...
><<Probably getting the dead bodies now. I hope Sonya plays dead
>when he gets there. She's smart like that.
BRET: To set herself up as Sonic's victim? Yeah, she's
abso-freakin'-lutely *brilliant*.
>Still I've got to get back
>there and SOON>> He reached over to Sally
> "Sally....I'm gonna have to hide you.....I'll dig a little hole
MARK <Tails>: ... and bury you alive so you can have a slow, agonizing
death by suffocation. Is that okay?
>and put leaves over it so he can't~.."
SAMANTHA: Great plan, Tails.
>
> "NOOOO!!!" Sally was hysterical "How COULD you?!!! You PROMISED!!
>Promised he would never touch me..."
> "Sally....I..."
STEVE <Tails>: Look, I can't help it if I'm being cast as an ineffectual
wimp!
> "SHUT UP!! DAMN YOU!! I TRUSTED you!! This is what I get for
>BELIEVING IN YOU?!! I HATE you!!!"
NASH <flat>: Gee, I wonder if this is one of Sonic's horrific mind
games.
SAMANTHA: First she's a wimp and now she just blames everyone in sight
for her problems... If she wasn't purposely being written this way, I
swear I would kick her *BLEEP* so hard she would have to open her mouth
to fart!
RYAN: Wow, I bet THAT would be a fun trick at parties!
>her eyes were cold on him, her tears
>overflowing however. Miles felt fear and pain run down his spine over
>the gaze....he felt his heart break in two.
BRET <Tails>: Dammit, I *liked* new Coke! I DID! Is that so wrong?!
> He swallowed "Sally....." He was on the verge of tears "..I
>never.....I would .....I'm so sorry.......I hate myself
>too.......
MARK [very angry]: Yes, ladies and gentlemen, our *hero*...
SAMANTHA: Mine's right here. [snuggles up to Bret]
RYAN: Not me! My hero is Weird Al Yankovic!
STEVE: Y'know, I bet he would've done a lot better job fighting Sonic.
>Please...just..
SAMANTHA: Oh well. At least they learned how to properly Shatner speak.
>Oh goddess....If only.....I never meant
>too........I love you so much......"
RYAN: And it's... oh, *BLEEP* it. I give up.
STEVE <Tails>: How much more do I have to simper to get you back?
> "Oh do you?" Sally said in a calm tone, she looked away as tear
>began to fall, then chuckled. Tails' ears pirked as he looked up at
>her. She was just crying and now...laughing?
NASH <Sally>: Hee hee! Oh, Tails, sweetie, I was just kidding! C'mon,
can't you take a joke?
> "Sa...Sally? Why..Are you........laughing?"
SAMANTHA: That's Sonic, you idiot!
> Just as he said that 'Sally' took a knife from behind her back and
>and stab it through his hand. He withdrew his hand and removed the
>blade quickly,
BRET: Y'know, so he could lose blood and get some infection in there
faster.
>he stared at his shaky bloody hand and gave quite a scream.
MARK <Tails>: I'm soaking in it?! NOOOOOO!!
>But 'Sally' only stood up and kicked him i n the face.
SAMANTHA: Don't forget the boot to the head!
STEVE: There's dissension in the ranks of Team Foxfire!
> "Stupid fox. So stupid that killing you would add 40 more points
>in your intellectual scale" Sally's form began to change to that of
>Sonics. "What's da matter little boy? 'fraid your little slut is hurt?
>Don't worry about that tart...
NASH <Sonic>: ... you've still got your *Pop-Tarts* to deal with.
>You're gonna be i n _much_ more pain then
>she has ever felt before." Sonic kicked Tails in the gut.
BRET: And it's the Stunner! The Stunner!
OTHERS: AUS-TIN! AUS-TIN!
>"But it all
>be will be slow. No fast torture for you.
MARK <motherly>: And when your torture's over, it's straight off to bed
for you, young man!
>But no need to worry about
>'poor little' Sally. You can BOTH be my play-toys. Sounds great?"
Sonic
>gave an evil smile.
SAMANTHA: Uh... no...
RYAN: <Sonic> And I'll name you 'Charlotte'. And I'll name Sally
'Francine' and ooooh! The rest of the freedom fighters would be so
kawaii for my collection! Oh wait, I blew them into little chunks.
>
> "Bastard!"
STEVE: That's a much better story than this, yes.
>Tails swung his sword at him. But Sonic caught it,
>laughed, took a rock and hit it over his head and dragged him by the
>hair, over to a meadow.
NASH [snickering]: Just like that, huh? Kefka *really* wants to get to
the rape scene!
SAMANTHA: Shouldn't the others have helped him out by now?
RYAN: Yeah, I'm sure they wanna help a guy who merely watched while they
got their asses kicked.
BRET: Well, the Flock helps Raven all the time and he does nothing to
help them.
RYAN: Good point.
>
> "Pathetic" he called Tails "Well here's your tramp"
BRET <Tails>: No, my tramp has a little mustache and a cane and this
hat...
>Sonic threw him a distance of 5 feet.
MARK: No more, no less.
RYAN: Aww, and he's six inches short of breaking the world record...
>
> Tails looked up to see Sally. Tied to a tree and wasn't moving.
>"Sally!"
SAMANTHA: Poor tree.
>
> Sonic slapped him "Shut up!" He then walked over to Sally and
>stoked her face.
STEVE: Yeah, her face had started going out, but a few jabs with a poker
and a coupla logs got it going again.
>"Your "hero" is here Sally. Think he'll save you?"
NASH <Sally>: No.
>
> Sally didn't reply.
BRET <Sally>: I won't even dignify that with a response!
>
> "No comment you say? Well that's fine."
SAMANTHA: Hey, we got quite a few of them!
>
>Tails was very fearful of the worst.
MARK: After the scenes in the beginning, I'm not sure Kefka can get it
any worse!
NASH: Well, unless he decides to throw in some Countess Chronicles stuff
and some tentacle demons...
RYAN: That's right, just invite the demons in, Nash...
>
>Sonic wished Sally would at least gave a whimper. So he took his hand
>and reached between her legs in front of Tails' eyes.
RYAN <Sonic>: Hey Tails, wanna see what I can pull out from HERE?
>
> Sally didn't reply.
SAMANTHA: And neither did we for fear of puking up last weeks supper.
>
> * * *
>
>(Yet another dedicated Reader wanted his bit in, so without further
>interuption....This bit was written by caa157@ramail.angelo.edu aka
>TR!)
STEVE: Well, whoever you are, I thank you for saving us from that last scene.
[Samantha takes up the notepad and pencil again, quickly writing the
e-mail address down]
RYAN: Oh lord, another one. Wake me... when it's over. [slumps down
asleep]
>
> Somewhere in the Great Forest a lone figure walked amongst the
>trees.
BRET <Figure, yelling>: HAVE YOU HUGGED A TREE TODAY?!?!
>The person was covered in a hooded cloak that hid his features
>so that no one could tell who or even what species he was.
SAMANTHA: Oh my god! It's Robin Hood!
>He would stop
>every now and then to pick something up off the
> forest floor, usually a mushroom or a large root.
BRET <stoner>: Yeah, man, I need some more 'shrooms...
>"I'd rather be
>searching for the Freedom Fighters, but the positions I can make with
>these will come in handy later," the figure mumbled.
NASH: Eh, you can do better positions with some handcuffs. 'Specially if
you've got a riding crop and some mirrors handy.
SAMANTHA: But how is getting high by eating wild mushrooms going to help
him locate the Freedom Fighters?
> The wind started to pick up, whistling through the trees. The
>figure stood straight up, there was a scent in the breeze.
MARK <figure>: That horrible stench... must be downwind of Pittsburgh
again.
>Something he hadn't smelled in a long time,
SAMANTHA: Hamburgers!
NASH <Figure, sniffs>: Hello! Looks like I might get laid tonight after
all!
>it was a combination of scents all very
>faint, there were the smells of fear, adrenalin e, and a hint of
>blood......
STEVE: Not to mention just a dash of haught!
>A fight. The figure sniffed at the air again trying to get
>a direction on the scent,
SAMANTHA: What do you know, it's Lassie.
>after a few minutes he started off. How long he
>had followed the scent he doesn't know, his mind was totally committed
>to finding the smell' s origin.
BRET: Ew! But who in their right mind would want to go to Pittsburgh?
>One or twice he had lost the scent and
>the wind would pick up and carry the smell back to his nose, it was
almost
>like someone was helping him.
SAMANTHA: Isn't subtlety wonderful?
> The scent was getting stronger, he was close. A sound!
NASH: Hark! 'Tis the song of a blue jay!
>He stopped and bent down, waiting for the sound to return.
MARK: He was going to jump it and steal its wallet!
>A moan,
>somebody was hurt! He quickly ran to the sound and was greeted by a
unnerving
>sight.
STEVE: Dean Malenko in drag?
>He had found the Freedom Fighters, but som ebody had beaten him
>to it. They were all out cold.
BRET: ... because they're dead, right? I mean, does Kefka really know
what an Ultima is?
>He removed his hood reviling his face. A
>face of a wolf, a white wolf.
SAMANTHA: What's Jon Talbain doing here?
>
>(Let's give him a hand!!! back to you Rocky and Metal!)
SAMANTHA: Rocky's co-writing this? That would explain why it's so bad.
NASH: Slow as the People's Elbow, and just as goofy.
>
>
> * * *
>
> "Damn, Sally, what's wrong? Was I TOO much for you?" Sonic rubbed
>his hand between her legs.
RYAN [yawns and wakes up]: Oh, back to this crap now?
MARK: Sonic, I'm sure there's a more practical way to keep your hand
warm.
> Tails got up fast "STOP, YOU BASTARD!!!" and tackled him down and
>started to beat Sonic's face
RYAN <Tails>: Yeah! I'm 'bout to put the smackdown on yo' ass, biyatch!
SAMANTHA: About time you did something!
>Sonic Growled and threw the fox off and
>chuckled.
> "Oh Miles...still the valiant Hero I see.."
STEVE: Still the valiant punching bag, *I* see.
>he waved his hand over
>Miles face and the fox screamed in pain.
BRET <Sonic>: Does this bug you? Does this bug you? I'm not touching
you...
>He then cast a spell which
>prevented Miles movement and slowly creeped back to Sally.
NASH: Beware the Creeper!!
>"Now....Where were we Princess?" He placed his hand between her legs
again.
>"Ohhhh yessss...now I remember..."
MARK <Sonic>: I left my watch in there.
> Sonic let his fingers tease Sally's private area.
SAMANTHA <Fingers>: You're fat and you're ugly and you'll never get a
boyfriend!
> "How about we show Tails here what fun can be? I never did show
>him what we do at the Tower.."
STEVE <Sonic>: He'll watch us play Spades until dawn! BWAHAHAHAHA!!
RYAN: But that whole dream sequence thing before and the whole thing
with showing him and... oh yeah. Kefka continuity. Gotta love it.
>Sonic withdrew his finger and licked it.
RYAN <Sonic>: Hey Tails! Ya gotta try this! It's finger licking good!
SAMANTHA: I am not doing the KFC joke.
>
> Miles hated this. It was like his nightmares; he couldn't do
>anything."Bastard..It's not her. Why don't you fight me again,
>coward!!"
BRET <Tails>: Kick my ass again! I dare you!
>This was the only thing Tails could think of to get Sonic away from
>Sally.
SAMANTHA: You could try stabbing him in the back. That might work.
>
> "Oh no. I'm having fun as it is" He looked at the non-moving
>Sally. "Don't know why she's being like this.
NASH <Sally>: I have a *headache*, Sonic, and I just don't feel like
being raped tonight.
SAMANTHA: I believe it's called a coma, Sonic. It's what usually happens
after someone suffers a severe physical or emotional traumatic
experience.
>Her screams would have made
>it a perfect night. But oh well, can't have everything....That
>is...not yet"
MARK: You can't have everything until after six on Sundays.
> Sonic began to rip Sally's clothes off slowly. He looked behind
>him every few seconds to see Tails' expression and for Tails. This was
>hell.
SAMANTHA: Then do something, you jerk! Don't let him have his way with
the one you love! FIGHT FOR HER GOD DAMMIT!!!
STEVE: I think I'll pray to the spirit of Eric Draven to kick Tails' ass
after this.
RYAN: But wasn't Tails paralyzed?
STEVE: He's got his little magic powers! He could do something if he
wanted to!
>
> Not so long ago Sally told him she loved him and now was about to
>be raped by her tormentor. But worst of all...He didn't defeat Sonic.
>If he would have beaten him Sally would not be suffering now.
BRET: Well, maybe if you'd gotten off your sorry two-tailed ass and DONE
SOMETHING, this wouldn't be happening, oh mighty and completely
wishy-washy leader!
>It was all
>his fault. Now he would have to suffer. But not as much as Sally.
Which
>really hurt.
SAMANTHA <growls>: And after the failure comes the self-berating...
RYAN: Maybe he'll depreciate himself so much he'll wind up committing
suicide.
ALL: Yeah! You suck! You were too much of a wuss to fight and your
lady's gonna get raped because of it! IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!!
>
> Sonic undid his pants and told Tails to watch 'this' carefully.
>Tails made no comment and wanted to close his eyes but the spell on him
>prevented it.
MARK: So eventually his eyeballs dried out and he went blind.
> Sonic slowly moved Sally to the ground, Sonic felt a chill of
>pleasure run through his body when he heard her whimper; And mounted
>her without mercy.
[Nash begins humming the Bonanza theme]
SAMANTHA: Although how he did it with her tied to the tree sure as hell
confuses the heck out of me!
STEVE: No, Sonic let her go for this.
>Miles groaned and tried to move his body; anything, any
>way to block what he had to see from his eyes.
> Sonic's eyes turned to Miles and he grinned a cruel smiled; thrusting
>hard. "Ohh Miles....pity you never got the chance to do
>this....Or...have you?"
NASH <Tails>: Nah, my sex was consensual. You should really think of
trying it some time, it's actually pretty nice.
>He chuckled; already beginning to feel a wetness inside her,
>Miles could see small droplets of blood dri pping from her groin area.
SAMANTHA: [growls and clenches her teeth, hard]
MARK: Must... kill...
RYAN [holds his hands in front of him]: Oh, ancient ancestors, please
protect my sanity from this sick story...
> Sonic rocked her hard. He wanted Tails to suffer as well as get
>his own pleasure. Plus his own pledge to make Sally bleed.
BRET: And never let it be said that Sonic isn't a hedgehog of his word.
> <<This is was great>> he thought <<three birds with one stone!>>
> Sally wasn't remaining silent anymore. She screamed, cried,
>trying her hardest to get away from this even though it was hopeless.
>But she would never again make it easy for him to enter her.
SAMANTHA: Finally! Sally is going to do something!
STEVE: Hey! She grew a spine!
>Not ever again.
>
> Tails remembered what Sonic did to him earlier. Pretending to be
>sally. But he believe that is what Sally would really say right now.
NASH: After all, Tails knew that hating him was a natural reaction.
>He believe Sonic's words more then anything right now. So much guilt
was
>on his heart. He wanted to die.
SAMANTHA: You wimp! I just... I mean... God damnit! ARRGHH!!! [Stands up
and rips the seat out of it's pace, throwing it at the screen. It
bounces off with a slight sparkle of energy] GOD DAMN IT!!!
>
> He hated himself. Whatever pain Sonic would bring upon would be a
>sufficient punishment for his failure to Sally.
MARK: No, then there's the pain *I'm* going to bring on you, wuss boy.
>Sonic Moaned louder.
>"Oh Sally, my sweet princess... we're together again.....and it will
remain
>like this Sally.....All the good times....
RYAN <blandly>: Oh yeah. This is dy-no-mite.
SAMANTHA: Not if I have my way, it won't!
BRET: Please, don't let the good times roll.
>I'll never let you go
>...You're mines..."
SAMANTHA [through clenched teeth]: After all, Princess Sally comes in
six packs now.
>The Princess Stared up at Sonic's face, her lower
>lip trembling; her eyes filled with fear and sorrow. She could only
>scream out her loves name......Miles...
STEVE <Sally>: Excuse me, Miles? I think I could use a little help
here...
>"Ya know, Sal. This seems
>AWFULLY familiar...
NASH: Oh my god, they rip off everything!
>We don't want what happened last time, do we?"
MARK: He forgot his condom?
> Sonic drew energy and fired a powerful blast at Miles. All while
>Sonic was still thrusting in Sally. He fired about 5 of these powerful
>blasts till Miles was knocked out.
SAMANTHA: Knocked out? KNOCKED OUT?!?! WHO THE *BLEEP* IS WRITING THIS
*BLEEP*ING *BLEEP* ACTION?!?! HAIM *BLEEP* SABAN?!?! WHEN YOU GET HIT BY
POWERFUL *BLEEP*ING BLASTS, YOU GET KILLED!!! DEAD!!! NOT KNOCKED
*BLEEP*ING OUT!!!
BRET: [stands up and wraps his arms around her] Calm down!
SAMANTHA: [starts to sob] I'm sorry... this last part with the helpless
women is really beginning to get to me...
RYAN [taps his fingers together]: Wow, now THAT was something.
NASH: I dunno. Maybe it's PMS?
[Nash's answer is short lived as he gets knocked upside the head with a
backhand from Samantha]
BRET: What did I tell you about hitting?
SAMANTHA: Oh, he *asked* for that one.
>
>Sally, who was already in hysteria, did as Miles and lost conscience.
STEVE <Sally>: Yeah, yeah, whatever, quill-boy... wake me when it's
over.
>Sonic gave an evil laugh.
>
> He had paralyzed the Returners, defeated the Neo-Freedom Fighters,
>got back his favorite toy, captured Miles AND had a great sexual night!
NASH: And next he was going to DISNEYLAND!
MARK: Mickey, Minnie... NOOOOO!!
>"This is the life!" He screamed out for the world to hear.
SAMANTHA: ARRGHH!!! This is incredibly stupid!!! Can't these Freedom
Fighters do anything besides sit and stare?
BRET: Well, this *is* Sonic's story...
>
>
>
> * * *
SAMANTHA: <singing> When you wish upon a star, a sniper will shoot Kefka
from afar...
>
>
>
> Sonic swung Sally over his shoulders and dragged Tails towards his
>home.
STEVE: I see Sonic's powerlifting regimen has been working...
>The dark, sick city of Sonotropolis.
SAMANTHA [more calm now]: Hmmm... must be the flu season.
>
>But eyes were watching him.
NASH: Just the eyes? Cool!
> "This isn't good, Sonya"
> "I know Knuckles"
SAMANTHA: No duh, Einstein!
RYAN: He's alive? Well, no *BLEEP*.
> "He beat us before. We'll have to regroup and try to take Sonic
>down without Tails."
MARK: Well, it's not like Tails was major *loss* or anything...
>Sonya sobbed at this news.
SAMANTHA: While I'm sobbing at the horrible storyline.
>
>
> * * *
>
> Meanwhile Sonic was whistling a tune.
BRET <Sonic, singing>: Mister blue-bird on my shoulder...
>He was almost home now.
STEVE <singing>: Country roads, take me home...
>He didn't use his speed.
MARK: He was using barbiturates now.
>He wanted to savor this night as much as he could.
SAMANTHA: Because evil is *so* sweet.
NASH: Why, yes! In fact, it's just TOO SWEEEEET!!
BRET: Just *had* to get that out of your system, huh?
>
> Then something caught his eye.
STEVE <Sonic>: Ooh, shiny!!
>The body of Elex. "Well well
>well." He put the two down and walked over to Elex and stoke his head.
RYAN: <Sonic> Hmm, the embers are dying down a bit...
>"How are you little one?"
NASH <Elex>: You just *killed* me!! How do you think I am?
MARK: Well, it's not all bad, usually.
>Elex face was full of pain and sorrow. "You
>know... You were great! Maybe you would like to live again?
BRET: And now, after a thousand years... WE LIVE AGAIN!!
[Others begin humming the 'Gargoyles' theme]
>I think
>I'll do JUST that," he ran his tongue over the foxes face, tracing the
lip
>and light brown hair.
SAMANTHA: Oh no... not the necrophilia again! I said I was just
joking!!!
STEVE: Not the kid again, dammit!! Kefka had better have a *major* plot
contrivance in store to end this with...
> Sonic casted a levitation spell on the body and picked up the
>others. "Come" he said to the body
NASH: Already did that, remember?
>and Elex floated behind him all the
>way home.
MARK: Going 'wee wee wee'.
>
> The Wind Seem to howl a bit louder
> The Skies seem to become a bit darker
BRET: The grammar and punctuation seemed to go a little further towards
hell.
> The breeze seemed to get colder
SAMANTHA: The supper seemed to rise a few more inches...
> The fire seem to get fiecer.
> The Clouds seem to hang lower
STEVE <singing>: Do your clouds hang low, do they wobble to and fro...
> The blood seems to run thicker
RYAN: Well, duh. Blood IS thicker than water.
> The Pain seems to incress
NASH: Actually, cress isn't too bad, to be a wussy vegetarian sandwich.
> The dark one...has won.
RYAN: Just like I figured, an anti-climax. KEFKA!! YOU BASTARD!!
SAMANTHA: An amazing plot twist!
MARK: He hasn't won yet. We're still riffing.
BRET: How could we *stop*?
STEVE: I know Kefka doesn't mean that. I mean, he's not just going to
let Sonic *win*...
>
>The Saga Continues!!
NASH: I thought this was the ending.
MARK: It is. Kefka didn't do any more.
STEVE: So... Sonic *did* win. [suddenly begins taking very deep breaths]
RYAN: Yeah, but Kefka's threatening more... I hope I get home by then.
>What will happen to Poor old Princess Sally Acorn
>and Miles Prowers now that the dark one has them in his clutches?!
SAMANTHA: That thought alone is sure to cause us nightmares at night!
>Stay tune for the next chapter in A Sorcerer A Demon and Emeralds!
BRET: NO! You can't make us!
>
>=[]CAST OF CHARACTERS[]=
SAMANTHA: Most of which are dead or severely injured.
>
>Miles Prowers -- I hope he likes his Jail food.... Sonic the Hedgehog--
>Yes we made him win!! Yes!! I'm happy about it!!
SAMANTHA: Yes, you're a sick *BLEEP*!
STEVE [suddenly standing]: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!! [Steve then proceeds to run
out of the theater, still screaming]
MARK: Not *again*.
NASH: Geez, it's not that bad.
BRET: Well, Steve's always been kind of sensitive about evil. There
should be enough air out there to keep him okay.
RYAN: Wow, I actually kept my sanity.
>Princess Sally Acorn --
>Just as she's escaped him.....He takes his prize once again.
NASH: Cause, y'know, Sally's just stuff.
>Sonya Sho
>Robotnik -- Poor girl, I've recived Mail about her being a Slut what do
>YOU think?
RYAN: Well, whoever wrote that is probably a right bastard who knows
nothing of the female psyche. Kinda like you, Kefka!
MARK: We don't give a rat's ass!
BRET: Actually, I feel sorry for her. I'm sure she's just fine when
Kefka isn't writing her.
SAMANTHA: We wished she had died.
>E-mail me! Knuckles Echidna -- A few of you might be wondering
>"What ears?"
NASH: No.
>Heh don't ask me...they're under his dread locks. Antoine
>De'Coolette -- You know I wanted to make him stronger... but my co I
>guess likes him weak....that'll change.
SAMANTHA: ACK!!! He's still alive! Damn you, Sonic! Damn you to hell!
MARK: It's official. *Nothing* good has come of this fanfic.
>Very soon. Lunarus Ivo Robotnik --
>Wasn't it sad about the Black Hole thing? heh...heh......ugh.
BRET: Wow. Kefka's having an episode in text!
>Locy Hottovy -- How do you like your Fox? Rare? Medium Rare? Well Done? Or
>Sonic Style?!
SAMANTHA: How about barbequed? I'll got the BBQ sauce!
>Snively The Returner Leader -- Heh, Anyone Know his last
>name? heh....poor guy...want more info bout his love over a mobian?
NASH: Once again, no. We just want to leave, Kefka. So SHUT UP!!
>Send in responses!
SAMANTHA: You want responses? I'll give you responses!!! [takes out the
PC from under Bret's seat and starts typing on it]
BRET: What are you doing?
SAMANTHA: Making a virus to change Kefka's work into something even
*he'll* lose his lunch over.
BRET: [takes PC away] Uh... no...
SAMANTHA: Oh! You're no fun!
>Geoffry St. John -- For you Fans of Geoffrey, All I have to
>say is...I'M NOT THE LEAST BIT SORRY ABOUT KILLING THAT SKUNK!!! I
>HATE
>HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE >HATE
>HATE HIM!!! I'd Do it again!! over and over!! I'll probabl y lose a few
>fan over this huh?
SAMANTHA: You get the feeling that Kefka hates Geoffrey?
MARK: I get the feeling that Kefka has some deep-seated issues with skunks.
RYAN: It still shocks me that Kefka has ANY fans at all...
>Charles T. Hedgehog -- He should be getting a larger role
>in a solo-story I'm doing.
SAMANTHA: Which we won't have to see, if luck is with us.
NASH <Val Venis>: But not as big as the *big Valbowski*....
>Elex -- (Name Created by BladeWing, a Combo of
>her Cousins Eric, and Alex's names)
BRET: Oh, now nice. Writing your family in as rape victims.
MARK: I'm sure their mother is so proud.
>the kit part I basicly poured ever
>ounce of evil I had into it. Talk about being on an evil streek, I
>just loved writing that scene and went back repeatedly to alter it.
NASH: Guys, Kefka's starting to scare me.
BRET: I know, I know.
SAMANTHA: Hey Ryan, you thought that Tsunai guy was bad!
RYAN: As soon as I see 12 inch wood dowels and quadruple fistings, it'll
be official.
SAMANTHA: Er, quadruple? I'm gonna hate myself for asking, but how?
RYAN [glances over at her]: Both hands and both feet.
BRET [holding his stomach]: And... this was... to who again?
RYAN: Chibi-Usa, of course. Oh yeah, did I forget to mention she was
yelling for more?
MARK: Pardon me, for I must puke...
SAMANTHA: Ok, so Kefka is tied with Tsunai in the 'Absolutely sick and
total wrongness' meter.
>But I ran
>out of ideas...that's when my buddy TR told me to let the kit live~!
>Sooooo now I can torure him more! yay!!
MARK: But what about... TORTURE?!
NASH: Now Kefka's *really* starting to scare me...
>Traveler -- Who is the strange
>White wolf who found the Neo Freedom Fighters at their most near death
>hour? Mike -- Who is the strange human?
RYAN: And more importantly, who gives a flying *BLEEP*? Aww, just quit
it with the damn censoring!! I'm righteously pissed right now and mad I
can't express myself!!
BRET: Isn't he that guy Eric got stuck with?
SAMANTHA: Another Author Avatar.
>
>All others were clearly extras...
SAMANTHA: Which were why they were killed off so easily.
>
>=[]Credits[]=
>
>=[]Rocky Numbat's Credits~![]=
ALL: ROCKY SUCKS! ROCKY SUCKS!
>
>First of all I would like to thanks the greatest friend a girl could
>ever had, the creator of ASADAE, Let's hear it for Metal!! ::opens audience
>in a can cheer::
MARK: Yeah, I'll open a *can* for you...
>I would like to thank my online sister, Angele, for just
>being her silly self!
SAMANTHA <growls>: Silly self? Dear god! What a twisted little *BLEEP*.
> Locke: for always listening to me.
> Cecil: For his morbid sense of humor and making me laugh!
BRET: Oh, death! How kooky!
> Sonya: For not killing me for spending time with Cecil......::feels
>sudden doom::
> Blade: For being her cool self!
> Mecha: For she always has somthing wierd to say ME CHOCOBO SHELLY!!
NASH: Jeez, this whole f'n story is a giant ad for Prozac.
>She's so cute!!
>
>I thank my Wonderful mom! I would like to say "Screw you, dad!" (since
>he won't be reading this!!)
SAMANTHA: At least we know where Sonya's hatred of her parents comes
from.
>
>My pomerainian TC, for being always being there when I felt down.
MARK <Rocky>: I know he really loves me... yes, he does... HE DOES...
>
>Favorite game so far:......*ahem* FINALY FANTASY 3!!! FF3 FF3 FF3 FF3
>FF3 FF3 FF3 FF3 FF3 FF3 FF3 FF3 FF3 FF3 FF3 FF3 FF3!!!
BRET: Eh, I liked FF 2 better. Tighter plotline, and better characters.
RYAN: I'll stick to fighting games. Absolutely no story, but you can't
put down mindless violence and ki blasts aplenty!
>Hey that reminds
>me...::mails a *ticking* box to that dang Kefka:: Laugh this offya
>little~!!!
SAMANTHA: Thank you!
>
>::We Interupt Rocky's Dedications to bring you this news::
NASH: Kefka has been declared a f'n psycho, and banned from writing
further bad fanfics. Fictional characters everywhere are breathing a
sigh of relief.
>Metal is
>my Tupie on right? what? the Camera? ::looks over at the Camera:: o_O
Ack
>Err Umm Hi.
ALL: Hi!
>Yes We've just got a report that the Tower of Kefka has
>strangly Exploaded....(AGAIN) is the Unabomber at work again?! We take
you
>live to the scene.....
RYAN: <Reporter> And here we have the charred remains of Kefka. Sad,
really... oh well. Who's gonna scrape him off the ground?
SAMANTHA <Dennis Leary>: Oh dear, what a *BLEEP*ing shame!
>
>
>...Oh back to dedications!
MARK: Because we care *ever* so much...
SAMANTHA: Lets not and say we did.
>To my art teachers for showing me I can do some damn good art!
BRET: Then quit writing and start drawing! We'll all be better off!
RYAN: Personally, I'd rather read about rape than see pictures of it.
BRET: Oh. Good point.
>To Ms.
>Murphy, Ms.Walton, Ms.Nelson, Ms. Marstiller for always being there to
>listen to me and worrying about me! Thanks a lot guys!!!
SAMANTHA: Hopefully those teachers will recognize the mental instability
in their student and call for the nice men in white.
>
>And to you readers who take time to read our stories ^_^
ALL: *BLEEP* you!
>
>Thank you all!!
>
SAMANTHA: IT'S NOT LIKE WE HAD ANY CHOICE!!!
>
>
>=[]The Metal Sonic's Credits and Strange offical Stuff[]=
>
>Many Thanks go to the following:
>
>Bookshire DraftWood -- The man who gave me my start.
NASH: That's it. This Bookshire guy goes on the list.
>I can never thank
>him enough. He unintentionally made my life livable!
SAMANTHA: Yeah, he started by removing Kefka's strait jacket.
>Cecil Sho Harrvy --
>He'll be appearing in a story me and my Co-author BladeWing are working
>on!
MARK <flatly>: More Avatars. Yay.
>He's been one of the best friends I've ever had...together we're an
>unstoppable team!
SAMANTHA: Unstoppable as in a twister or earthquake kind of way.
>Mecha Sonic -- He Finally get's a bigger role in the
>story to come. I can't help but care deeply for the person behind the
>SN. BladeWing -- She'll be appearing yet again~!
BRET: What? She was here before?
>but in the ASADAE series!
>yay!!! She's me Mobius Xena!
SAMANTHA <brogue>: They be after me lucky charms, the bastards.
>Rocky Numbat -- My Great Co-author!!
NASH: Yeah, she's just as guilty as you are, Kefka.
>Bakndadaze -- Just being a great person that's willing to give our
>friendship another chance.
SAMANTHA: I guess he tried to break it off after reading some of Kefka's
work.
>Locke -- For being my cool weasel bro. Locy
>-- Heck she's part of the story! she's da man ma'am!
RYAN: Oh yeah, I'm sure she's happy with her namesake.
MARK: So she's Oscar?
>Metallico Hardtek--
>for a guy who's bad 'tude and great sense of humor can make anyone
>smile. Metallic Danger --
RYAN: My my, he has some weird friends...
BRET: Sounds like a BGC OAV title.
>I haven't chanted with him for some time but heck
>our conversations are weird anyway. Kiki Danger -- One mean kitty!
Almost
>like Sonya if not better. SkyMog -- His Mike, Josh and Mac Characters
>should soon be gettin' his own series!
SAMANTHA: That is, if they're not killed in this one.
>Trobbins -- One of my best buddies
>Online! TR is a really great Character I hope to be adding to my
>series.
NASH: Yes, reality and fantasy bleed seamlessly into one another in
Kefka's world...
>KragokE -- My Offical Artist for ASADAE pics! Great guy too!
SAMANTHA: Someone made pictures of this story?
MARK: Lovely. Pictures of Sonic raping and beating furry animals.
>Compie --
>We've been gettin' to know each other more via E-mail and his short
>story rocks! Vector -- Me Croc bro! HellCat V -- Another of my good
buddies
>Usagi -- let's just say.. "I put a spell on you! And now your mines!"
:)
BRET: NO! You leave Sailor Moon alone, Kefka!
>Tommy Tallarico -- The Great Music Man Behind his Video Games Greatest
>Hits! Sugar -- you know even though we parted I'll always be your
>friend and I hope you'll never forget that okay? Sides my insane buddy!
We
>still have the memory of...The Moth, The Cat, and the Bird! LOL!!
(don't ask
>people) Anyone else I forgot, forgive me deeply!
SAMANTHA: For this fanfic? No way!!!
>
>Music I Slaughtered by: Final Fantasy 7: Orignal SoundTrack "Cosmic
>Canyon", MeatLoaf: Bat out of Hell, Back into Hell "Wasted Youth"
NASH: Well, I can die happy now that I know what Kefka listened to when
he wrote this story.
>(I recomended CD by me bro ;) ),
SAMANTHA: Quit giving these people a bad name!
>Tommy Tallarico: Video Games Greatest hits
>Vol II "Falling", The Wild Arms SoundTrack "Ov erLand Theme" , Mortal
>Kombat: More Kombat "Higher" , Alantis Morisette Jagged Little Pill
>"Ironic" "Not the Doctor" "Wake up",
MARK: He listens to Morrisette? Now Kefka *really* doesn't have an
excuse for making his women dishrags.
>Xena: Warrior Princess "Main
>Theme" "Gabby Dance" "The Warrior Princess" And Umm let's see....Oh
yeah duh
>while writing the Ele x bit I listened to The BAD FUTURE Sonic CD
>Themes..both the Japanese and American Version.
BRET: Video game music = rape scene. Explains a lot, actually.
RYAN: Aww, come ON!! I played that damn game over and over, and that
music never caused ME to think of rape and torture, you sick *BLEEP*
SAMANTHA: That sure is a lot of music ol' Kefka listened to.
>
>Offical Online Service(S): America Online, And CompuServe!
NASH: As such, they must be held accountable for this fanfic.
SAMANTHA: Boo! Down with AOL! Down with Compuserve!
>Offical PC
>equipment: Aver Fun TV board, a Lexmark Jet Printer (newest addition to
>my family of PC stuff!), FlatBed Scanner (second newest) And a few
other
>things I ferget at da moment.
MARK: Damn! Now I'll never know about every little piece of Kefka's
computer equipment!
>Heh it's cuz it's 1:25 on 11/01/97 while
>I'm doing dis...
SAMANTHA: I think Kefka is starting to crack.
BRET: *Starting*?!
>
>Beta Readers: Cecil, Mecha, SkyMog, BladeWing, Locy, Kragok, HellCat,
>caa157, Jakeste, scrap_brain, Tallarico, dmx97, Adnan, FireOmen,
>ergon6, fischer, maric, Griffin, emperor Kage, And sandra!!! LET'S GIVE
EM A
>HAND!!
SAMANTHA: Preferably in the form of a fist heading towards their head at
high speed.
>
>And on a final note I'd like to thank all of you for not skinning me
>alive for not getting' this done sooner...I promise part 7 will be MUCH
>Faster.
NASH: Nearly two years later...
SAMANTHA: Not when I get my hands on your scrawny little neck, you
miserable little no good...
>
>With allot of love, Speed, and hope... MetalSonic.....Giving you none
>stop action when it comes to stories. (Yeah right) ....hey I think
>that's my slogan now! ^_^ Now everybody sing!
MARK: No! We're not your slaves, Kefka!
ALL: ATTICA! ATTICA!
>DUM DUM DUM it's fun to stay at
>the Y-M-C-A! It's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A!! They have everything,
for
>you to enjoy! You can hang out with all the boys!
RYAN: Oh yeah... he's snapped.
BRET: I got enough of Sonic 'hanging out with the boys' in this fic,
thanks...
SAMANTHA: Uh-oh. Kefka is singing disco music! This is bad. Very bad!
>
>......help me..... ::Metal is dragged away by two large men in white
>suits::
NASH: And beaten? Please?
>Oh that's the way aha aha I like it aha aha~! That's the way
>aha aha I like it aha aha~!
SAMANTHA: Oh well. At least one wish has come true.
>
>oh Wait wait! I got a song for the girls!!
[Everyone stares at Samantha]
SAMANTHA: Oh, sure, blame me...
>
>At first I was afraid I was petrified Kept thinkin' I could never live
>without you by my side; But then I spent so many nights Thinkin' how
>you did me wrong And I grew strong And so you're back from outer space
I
MARK: So who wants to take bets on what Kefka's on? I'm thinking LSD,
myself.
BRET: I'd go with cocaine. Explains how hyper Kefka is.
NASH: No, it's gotta be heroin. C'mon, nothing else could produce this!
RYAN: Maybe it's pot. Could explain the hallucinations.
STEVE: I dunno, the singing at the end seems to go *waaaay* beyond pot.
SAMANTHA: Well, I say it's that blue stuff that Nash drinks.
>just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face I
should
>have changed that stupid lock I should have made you leave your key If
>I'd've known for just one second you'd back to bother me
SAMANTHA: The mighty run on sentence has appeared! Quick! Someone get a
camera! It only appears once every hundred bad fanfics!
>
>Go on now, go walk out the door Just turn around now ('cause) you're
>not welcome anymore Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with
goodbye
>Did I crumble Did you think I'd lay down and die? Oh no, not.I. I will
MARK: ...ramble on endlessly about crap that has nothing to do with the
story and that no one really cares about?
>survive Oh as long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive; I've
>got all my life to live, I've got all my love to give and I'll survive,
I
>will survive. Hey hey.
SAMANTHA: You can stop now.
RYAN: Great, and he's ripped apart a good song that did happen to be
used by the women's movement. Thanks a lot, Kefka!!
SAMANTHA: Thanks for pointing it out, Ryan. Just one more crime to add
to the pile.
>
>(I'll stop now.....heh...Night Folks....or Goodmorning or good
>afternoon...)
ALL: Thank you!
BRET: But leave 'the Truman Show' *out* of this!
NASH: It's over! Par-ty, par-ty...
[DOOR SEQUENCE 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...]
The crew of the SON (minus one) walked out of the theater. They were
bruised and battered, but not yet broken.
Nash looked vaguely confused, and turned towards Mark and Ryan. "Okay, I
wanna make sure that I understood what was goin' on in the story. Stop
me if I'm wrong,"
"Okay," Mark replied.
"So, Sonic becomes evil in part one, and starts raping and killing
people," Nash began.
"Yep," Ryan said with a nod of his head.
"And up through part five, he's still evil and raping and killing
people,"
"Uh-huh," Mark affirmed.
"And in part six, he basically kills all of the good guys and goes on
raping and killing people."
"Yeah, that's basically it," Ryan finished.
"Just checking."
Meanwhile, Bret was checking around the Satellite for Steve, and not
having much luck in finding him. In fact, he was starting to get a
little bit worried.
"You *still* can't find him?" Samantha asked.
"No, he's not in his room or anything. I don't like this..."
And on cue, the Viewscreen glowed to life with a transmission from Titan
13. In the background, Bischoff and Vince's epic battle was continuing,
but both combatants
were starting to look a little weary.
"Arrogant fool!" Vince shouted. "Your powers are a lie! You are as
nothing before me!"
"Oh, really?" Eric countered as he tossed his microphone-whip weapon to
the ground. "I don't think so. *I* have something you never will... STAR
POWER!!" With that Eric threw a rather Kamehameha like power-blast at
his archnemesis.
Vince hastily raised an energy shield. At first, it was weakened, and
almost shattered. But then the Unholy overlord of wrestling summoned
forth all his terrible strength for one final blow... "NIELSEN SURGE!!"
Vince's supreme ki strike easily canceled out Bischoff's, sending him
flying through the air. Eric landed in a rather useless heap on the
ground, utterly defeated.
Pippkin looked back on the scene and smiled. "Oh, good. Vincent will be
most pleased."
"Not if the Rock can't find one of those damn contracts," Rocky Maivia
grumbled as he sorted through another one of Vince's filing cabinets.
Pippkin, meanwhile, had finally noticed the feed from the SON. "Oh!
Greetings, Neo-Freedom Fighters. Tell me, how was the torture?"
"Where the hell is Steve?!" Bret angrily demanded.
"Ah, yes, Mr. Borden. You see, the fanfic turned out to be a bit much
for him... in fact, it reduced his brain to Jell-O." With that, the
camera panned over to show Steve laying limply on a mysteriously
convenient operating table. Steve's eyes suddenly shot open, and he sat
up and let out an uproarious Stinger howl. Pippkin sighed, and smacked
the former dark avenger smartly on the head with a giant cartoon mallet.
Steve collapsed back onto the table, still once more.
"Vince left us *very* explicit instructions as to what we were to do in
case such a thing happened," Pippkin said as he turned back to the
camera. "So, in accordance with Mr. McMahon's wishes, we are now going
to sign him to a twenty year contract and turn him into the new Doink
the Clown."
"Vince just wanted to hire him? That doesn't sound very evil," Samantha
said in confusion. The wrestlers on the SON, however, were screaming in
horror.
"NO!! NO!! Not that! That's the worst gimmick in history!" Bret
shrieked.
"Have a heart, man! Just kill him!" Nash wailed.
"Dammit, Vince, I don't care if I do work for you! That's *EVIL*!" Mark
added in furiously.
Vince McMahon finally entered the camera's range, dragging his defeated
opponent behind him. "Come now, boobies, surely you knew I wasn't going
to stop *just* with bad net posts. I had a similar fate in store for
each of you. But Paul Ellering here... oh, you don't even want to *know*
the horrors I have in store for him. Does the phrase 'Gobbledygooker'
sound familiar?"
The wrestlers let out another communal shriek of agony.
Fortunately, at that moment, the sound of a steel chair smacking firmly
into a head rang out from outside T 13's camera range. Vince and Pippkin
stared in that direction briefly, then broke and ran. Swatting
furiously, a very familiar figure ran on-screen to help chase them
off...
"PAGE!!" the wrestlers chorused happily.
Diamond Dallas Page, smoking a cigar and grinning his usual
self-satisfied grin, smiled back at the guys on the SON. "Sorry, guys.
Would've been here sooner, but I had to hitch a ride with Karl Malone in
an eighteen wheeler. I also had to get Miguel Perez and LaParka out of
my house, and spend a little quality time with Kimberly... y'know."
"Er... yeah. Exactly what the hell happened to you, Page?" Bret asked.
"It was the weirdest thing. I just got dumped back at my house. Pretty
cool, actually." Page then turned to help up an extremely groggy Eric
Bischoff. "I'm sure you guys have a hell of a story to tell, too, but
first we need to get 'cha down."
"Why, yezz, Mista Lee-no, we'd *luv* to hav eyou ressle," Bisch slurred.
Page smacked him a few times to bring him back to reality, and then Eric
quickly fell to work trying to decipher the controls of the Deus Ex
Machina.
Up on the Satellite, general rejoicing had broken out. Nash immediately
pulled out a keg and tapped it, while Bret and Sam pulled together for a
ridiculously long kiss. Mark even went so far as to genuinely smile.
Ryan had pulled off his jacket and fell to his knees in joy. "FREE AT
LAST! FREE AT LAST! Thank *GOD* almighty, I'm FREE AT LAST!"
As Page dragged Steve into the camera's view (who was muttering
something about 'rowdy rowdy'), Eric turned brightly to the camera.
"Okay, guys, I think I've figured this out. These Doomsday Machines have
really good instruction manuals... just took me a few minutes to find
it. Now to get you down..."
"... Wait, wait," Bret said. "First, get Ryan home."
"Who?"
"The kid."
"Oh. Right. Well, where to?"
"Hmm... HEY! Can you possibly send me to Kefka's home address?!"
"No problem," Eric said, tapping a few buttons. Ryan grinned and waved
good-bye as he disappeared in a column of blue light, yelling, "Don't
worry!! I'll give him a few kicks in the ass for you guys too!!"
"Okay... now what about you?" Eric asked.
"Oh... me?" Samantha asked. "I'll be staying with Bret," she said as she
happily cuddled up to him.
"You're *really* going to have to tell me what happened when I was gone.
In that case, let's just jump straight to getting you guys off the
Satellite!" Eric triumphantly tapped a button on the Deus Ex Machina
control panel... and then faded from sight.
A few seconds later on the SON, a similar flash of light appeared,
dropping Eric painfully to the flooring.
"Oh, *good* one," Mark growled down at the crestfallen promoter. The
Satellite's jubilant atmosphere immediately died down.
Back in T 13, Page swore. "Christ, the damn thing was booby-trapped!"
"Oh, yes,' a sinister voice added off camera. Page immediately began
backing away, pulling Steve along with him. Pippkin, now wielding his
trademark boxing-glove gun, advanced on the wrestler, Vince following
him closely behind.
"Um... I promise I'll send somebody back to get you guys... really, I
will!" Page said into the camera before grabbing Steve and running like
hell out of T 13.
On the Satellite, the mood immediately went from subdued to downright
black. "REALLY good one," Mark said while glaring at Bischoff
dangerously. Eric shrugged his shoulders helplessly and began edging
behind Nash for protection. Suddenly, the
Satellite seemed like a much more dangerous place...
Vince smirked into the camera as Rocky staggered back into camera range.
"You see, boobies, you can't win. You're not going anywhere until I've
turned your brains into tapioca, and it's just time that you accepted
it."
"Well, at least we still have each other," Bret sighed to Samantha.
"Ah, yes. About that... you see, I can't have you using the power of
love to give you an unfair advantage during the posts. So that means..."
Vince grinned wickedly as he moved his hand towards the Deus Ex
Machina's controls.
"What?!"
"You can't..."
Too late. Even as Bret tried to pull her tighter, she was already
gone... torn away in a flash of bluish light. The former Canadian hero
suddenly looked absolutely horrified. "You... you... where is she?
Where the *hell* did you send her?!"
Vince shrugged. "Who knows? I say, all's well that ends well. Now, if
you'll excuse me, Pippkin and I have work to get back to."
"Yes, we were turning Val Venis and Degeneration X into heroes, weren't
we?" With that, the evil promoter and his evil rabbit assistant walked
away.
On the Satellite, the three wrestlers and promoter were left to deal
with their new (or in some cases, old) predicament.
Kevin Nash groaned. "Man... life's really gonna suck now, isn't it?"
"You have no idea," Bischoff replied wearily to him. "Did I ever tell
you about the thing with the noodles?"
Mark just tried to keep himself from destroying everything in the
general vicinity to vent his rage. "I work... for you... Vince," the
Lord of Darkness choked out. Being stuck on the Satellite was bad
enough, but being stuck there for no real reason was unbearable.
Bret, oddly enough, just leaned over onto the console. His face and
voice were very clam as he said, "If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go
to my room now so I can listen to 'Unforgiven II' and weep
uncontrollably."
"No problem," Bisch replied.
"Thank you." Bret then carefully walked off of the SON bridge, so his
dignified veneer wouldn't crack until he was safely in private.
In Titan 13, Rocky Maivia could only look into the camera and arch his
eyebrow (into the famous expression known only as the People's Eyebrow).
Then he shrugged, pushed the Button, and decided to go pick up a Josta.
BLIP!!!
\ /
\ /
\ /
0
/ \
/ \
/ \
PWOOSH!!
EPILOGUE ONE:
The roar was deafening. The crowd was going wild. Yes, the battle to
determine just WHO was the better between Ranma and Ryouga was going
down now! Standing at the sidelines were Akane and Ukyou, still trying
to tell them the whole fight was unnecessary. Guess they weren't
listening.
"So, pig boy, ready to finally concede and see that I'm better?!"
"No way, Ranma! You're going down, once and for all!"
"There can only be one!"
"Yeah?! Well... um... prepare to d- no, wait. Uh... prepare to get
severely hurt!!"
Ranma tensed up to leap... then paused and pointed. "Hey Ryouga, what's
that?"
Ryouga laughed. It HAD to be a trick. "No way, Ranma! I'm not gonna fall
for--"
"KEFKA!! FEEL MY PAIN!!!"
Ryouga had the hindsight to actually blink once before being picked up
in a fireman's carry and slammed down on his head. It didn't help either
that someone grabbed him by the legs and was clamping down on him with a
figure four.
"AAAAIIIIGGGHH!! GET IT OFF!!! GET IT OFF!!"
Akane raised a brow. "Ryan, is that you?"
Ryan blinked a couple of times and looked around. "Yeah, Akane, it is.
I'm back on the Satellite, aren't I? Crap! I was almost free!"
"AAAAIIIEEE!! MY LEGS!!"
A wall monitor blinked into existence, showing the angry visage of
Oscar. "So, you thought you could get away, huh?! Not while I'M around!"
A sign held by a white paw popped up under Oscar's head. [Sorry, we
almost distracted him enough.]
Not seeing the sign, Oscar continued his tirade. "You'll never escape.
Just remember that! Subterra 69 out!"
Ryan sighed. "Damn bastard. Come on guys, I'll tell you all about what
happened to me... and we've gotta make plans. It seems we've got a few
allies, and we might possibly have more..."
"GETOFFGETOFF!! GET!! OFF!!! OWWWWW!!"
"Oh, Ryouga. Sorry bout that."
"Ite..."
EPILOGUE TWO:
A few days later on the SON, and everyone was still basically bitter and
bad-tempered,
with a good dash of depression thrown in for Bret.
As they were moping around the bridge, the beeping sound of an incoming
message caught Eric's attention and he turned on the hexscreen. All the
wrestlers, especially Bret, grinned as they saw Samantha, dressed in
jeans and a tank top, appear on the
screen. The background showed several Anime characters drinking and
chatting, easily identifying it as the Club Anipike.
"Hi guys!" she said, wiping a tear away. "Hello Bret," she said, a bit
softer.
"Samantha!" the wrestlers all shouted.
"How are you doing? Are you okay?" Bret asked, his voice full of
concern.
"I'm doing good. Had a little bit of trouble when I got off the SON,
love, but nothing I couldn't handle," Samantha replied.
"So what are you doing?" Mark asked.
"I'm alternating between riffing bad fanfics, preparing for the second
AAA tournament, and thinking of ways to get you guys off the SON."
"All of us?" Nash asked. "Even me?"
"Yes, even you, you big goof," Samantha replied with a slight smile.
"When do you think you can get back up here?" Bret asked.
Samantha wiped away a tear and sniffed. "I'm not sure, love. Vinnic Mac
put some kind of field about the SON so that's it's harder to find. But
don't worry! I'll get up there and get you guys off the Satellite!"
"Oh, isn't this touching," said a sarcastic voice as Vince Mcmahon, with
Pippkin and the Rock standing behind him, cut in on the Viewscreen.
"This is a private discussion you *BLEEP*," Samantha shouted.
"My my, such language for a lady," Pippkin sneered.
"SHUT UP!" Samantha and the wrestlers shouted.
"Do all you want, Samantha. You'll never find the SON and you'll never
get your friends off the SON," Vince stated.
"Is that a challenge?" Samantha asked, a dangerous glint in her eyes.
"Well... yes. Yes it is," Vince replied. "One which you'll fail at."
"Well, I take that challenge, Vinnie Mac. And I'm gonna get back on the
SON, get my love and my friends off, and then we're come and find you
and beat the crap out of you! And that's the bottom line, 'cause
Silhouette said so!!!" And with that, Samantha gave Vince and his
cohorts the finger and cut the communication.
"That's some lady you got," Eric commented.
"Yeah, isn't she great?" Bret asked, a large smile on his face.
"Right there, she kinda reminded me of Steve Austin with breasts," Nash
said.
Bret winced as that phrasing brought the image of Stone Cold in drag
into his mind. "Never, ever mention that again," he said tiredly.
______________________________________________________________
BORING STUFF: Well, let's say it again, people! The various wrestlers
used here
are the property of WCW, WWF, and themselves. Their actions are in no
way meant to
reflect their true personalities, as I'm sure they're all fine human
beings. Pippkin is the
property of David Gonterman, also a fine human being who deserves an
apology for a few of the swipes I took at him in earlier portions of
this Mega-MiSTing. The AAA (at least as an idea), is the Sovereign
Property of Tim McLees and myself. Oh, and I guess Shinji is the
property of himself, as well. Last yet not least, ASADAE is the property
of Kefka the Dark One.
ABSOLUTELY NO INSULT is intended towards Kefka the Dark One. Consider
this a
humorous variant of C & C. And I've certainly had fun with his
characters in my
other project, the AAA.
LYNX'S NOTES: It's done! It's done! It's finally done! This was my
first big
series and my first lemon-ish tale. It was hard, but I loved it, and
I'll return to Kefka's
works in the future. MAJOR thanks go out to Jamie Jeans and Justin
Golden for working with me here. I've learned a lot from both of them,
and I encourage you to check out their works on SVAM. We're the SVAM
Triple Threat, and we will riff again together someday. Big thanks in
the making of part six go to my partner in crime, Webmaster, all-around
nice guy, and closet furvert (hee hee!) Tim McLees, who edited the
original story down so I could post it up with the others. If you wish
to see the original version, head to Bookshire Draftwood's fanfic
archive (to which there is a convenient link at SVAM), the mature
section. Finally, I'd like to thank everyone who's supported me and
MWT3K over the months. Now, I need to take a loooong rest... hope you
all enjoyed the ride!
JOLT'S NOTES: I need a small break as well, Lynxaxa. All of these
team-ups and editing has gotten to me... I would like to thank my two
fellow MSTiers for just being there on this MSTing... Alicia has the
wrestlers and J-Boogie just adds that special spice we all love... And
thanks for editing those awful scenes Shinji! Can I please have that
ride in EVA-01? No? Nuts... Oh yeah! Three guesses as to who gets up on
the SON when me and Lynxara get together for an MSTing again... Breaks
over!!! Now where's that pot of coffee...
J-BOOGIE'S NOTES: Well, let me just say that I happened to read part six
and I'm STILL wondering what the hell Kefka was smoking. After this, I
think I'll take a long, LONG rest... it was inevitable though... for
this
is the end. But do not worry! This shall not be the last time we work
together! We have a special chemistry when we coordinate with each
other!
Somewhere... out there... we shall get together... and totally
RIP STORIES APART!! So until next time, people... Yatta!! Minna
Arigato!!
OYASUMI!!! OYAJIII!!! (Ryan tackles JB off screen and hog ties him)
RYAN: Sorry 'bout that. I think the story got to him more than he put
on. Ja na,
Minna-san!
SAMANTHA: Way to go, Ryan!
E-mail Lynxara: lynxara@hotmail.com
E-mail Jolt!: xwing@uniserve.com
E-mail J-Boogie: Wholden535@aol.com
______________________________________________________
> "The dark one... has won."