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Charles Prashaw, 7 Jul
CHILDREN are more likely to feel more secure and to behave better when
they experience consistency and routine. As the summer holidays kick in
and school time routine goes out the window, this is a timely topic for
many parents!
As parents, it is our job to take charge, whenever necessary.
Predictable routines and firm boundaries allow children to know what to
expect and who they can rely on so they then have the confidence to
explore the world around them and develop new skills. Sometimes, to
avoid conflict, parents feel unable to set boundaries and rules and
follow them though and this puts the child in charge.
This can be frightening for children as they are not developed
cognitively enough to manage being in charge.
Putting boundaries and rules in place can be difficult, especially if
children have gotten used to life without many boundaries or without
hearing “no” very often. However, we must remember that it is never too
late to make a change. It is also important to keep our boundaries and
rules realistic. For example, it is not realistic to try to implement a
boundary that our children must never disagree with each other. It is
more realistic to set the boundary that we can disagree with our
siblings but we must never hit or that we must always try to resolve
our disagreements with words.
In trying to maintain some house rules and boundaries for our children
we must try the same approach. It is not realistic to suggest that if a
house rule is broken, we remove all gaming devices for the rest of the
week. Rather, if a house rule is broken, we might reduce the time spent
on gaming that evening by 15 minutes.
When your child breaks a rule or a boundary, it can be helpful to
respond to this behaviour promptly, sensitively and assertively.
A helpful technique for this is The Broken Record technique. If for
example, your child breaks the house rule of tidying their bedroom on a
Saturday morning. Try to keep your voice calm and soft in dealing with
the matter. Here is an example:
Parent: “Our rule is that you tidy your bedroom on a Saturday morning”,
Child: “But he didn’t tidy his bedroom either!”
Parent: “I understand that and I’ll speak to him next, the rule is that
you too tidy your bedroom on a Saturday morning”.
Child: “You’re always picking on me!”
Parent: “I understand that you are annoyed with me and we can discuss
that later if you like. Right now, I need you to tidy your bedroom,
thank you.”
By the third instruction, most children will see we are being firm and
will comply. So it is best to end by thanking them and then praise when
the task is complete.
However, if our young person still argues or refuses, we can move to a
consequence. It is important that we stay calm, choose a consequence
that is manageable and not too drastic.
For example, “I would rather you did not lose 10c of your pocket money,
so I need you to tidy your room, thank you.” Making it seem as though
you don’t want to implement this consequence is better than something
that sounds more threatening such as “Tidy up or you’ll lose 10c of
your pocket money.”
Children can feel as though both parties have something to gain from
completing the task.
Try to allow them time in between each instruction to change their mind
and complete the task.
Once the task has been completed, it is important to thank and to
praise and not to comment any further on the task as it is helpful to
end the interaction positively.
If the consequence has to be implemented, try to do so calmly and
matter-of-factly. It is important to follow through on the consequences
if they are mentioned and so the child learns to pay attention to the
instruction as they know the consequence will come.
Try to do this as privately as possible to reduce the potential
embarrassment and/or defensiveness your child might experience if this
happens in front of others.
This article was written by HSE Primary Care Child and Family
Psychology Services, a member of Parenting Limerick. Parenting Limerick
is a network of parenting and family support organisations. For more
information on this and other topics go to www.loveparenting.ie.