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PMDD be like please can I just start my period im dying. hard to get out of bed with the rain this morning. going to do a puzzle with my coworkers today bc no one is here and there's nothing to do.
the Hot as Fuck days have officially began. i actually enjoy the heat when it doesn't get much higher than 90, but now it is horrible and sickening. prioritizing sleep over exercise until it gets mildly cooler.
warning: long reflection/gratitude rant while I procrastinate work
sometimes the thought crosses my mind that I should be more concerned with becoming stagnant, especially when I talk with friends who are in transition/minor crisis, but I really do feel like I've been more at peace than ever this last year. im really soaking up the stillness of my current life, and it's been wonderful. I think I used to be around more people who were in constant crisis/unstable in general, and that led me to be more hyper critical of other people in my life and myself, sorta like a psycho-analyzing spiral. like I always had to have a personal problem to discuss bc my friends did too. which leads to a lot of creating problems...
but now i've really surrounded myself with people who just want to chill and have a good time and it's really awesome. and obviously talk about serious things as they come up, but there's still much room for fun and silliness. in general I feel so much more emotionally stable. I feel great about my relationship and that just keeps adding more and more stability to my life. instead of over analyzing my partner's mental health like I used to and getting defensive/inserting my own emotions, I realized like oh you're sad? you just need to be held and have your hair stroked for awhile. like it's really that fucking simple most of the time.
anyway, im just really proud of myself for listening to my heart and my intuition. I know things won't be this easy forever, but I really hope to ground myself in this peace right now and continue to carry it with me!! i love life rn!!
had a bug-related nightmare last night, not fun. although the bugs in question were objectively beautiful when they were not crawling on me...
on my third week of running 3x/week and it's going fairly well. nervous for how the heat will impact my exercise. i feel adverse about exercising inside, but that may change.
going to chicago this weekend to see bugleague! very excited! i am going to be so broke by the end of July ha ha
back to normal mothbaby, no steroids edition. I got so much exercise last week/weekend it feels really good. doing the couch to 5k running plan and it's going well.
my lovers bday is wednesday which is awesome. i love birthdays and celebrating people. we already have so many plans for both of our summer bdays and im happy about it.
getting a tattoo and getting fancy dinner this month is going to break my bank but i'm doing it anyway!
internet is down at work so im working from home. perfect timing bc my sleep schedule is so fucked and i can't consume caffeine on these meds. praying no one asks me to do anything today.
last night I started altering a dress of mine that ripped and I'm really excited with how it's coming out. i'm taking out the sleeves and shoulders and making it just have straps. i also cut the sleeves off some of my shirts. summer time baby!
feeling crazy today. being on steroids is crazy. my mind is running too fast for just sitting at work.
saw the tv glow last night. i didn't like it as much as other people seem to. it was visually very cool and a unique story, the set up for the story was great, but I wasn't a big fan of the end/last 30 minutes. i was also reading it from a more psychology/schizophrenia lens, so maybe I need a rewatch in a diff lens.
brain no longer rotting! I feel like I have a pretty precise and rational understanding of my mental health but it is still hard to just , go through, especially with pmdd because I feel like im just waiting it out until I start my period. also realizing my pms mental state really aligns with bpd symptoms. it's weird feeling like you're an entirely different person for a few days a month and there's nothing you can do but wait it out. I hope other people who experience this can get a pmdd diagnosis because it is SO helpful to understanding what feels very complicated.
brain rotting today. buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
my doc perscribed me steroids for my tmj and im scared to take them. I think it will probably help but apparently there are a lot of side effects and im already susceptible to mood issues soo love that.
all natural fibers are in. bought some linen clothes and they are sooo nice.
officially booked my trip to cali in august woohoo! and going to DC in a couple weeks with bestie yay
i've been genuinely looking forward to working out every day now and i'm so proud of myself for developing a habit. im stoked to be super fit this summer
i miss having a funny workplace
for some reason feeling guilty about not working on my remote day today. I was gonna just do one thing to make myself feel better but then im afraid I'll have nothing to do when I'm actually in the office.
had a fairly chill weekend and got a lot of cleaning done which was great. I didn't drink very much and it felt good. spent a lot of money shopping these last few days but i got a lot of needed stuff. trying to consciously switch my fabrics over to all natural fibers. ordered an entire 100% cotton bedding set and im really stoked about it.
started doing shadow work/EMDR by myself yesterday. I dont have the motivation to try to find a new therapist but i'm glad im still doing some work that I know I need. but also it's very hard.
going through a massive self improvement phase. Trying not to overdue it! but I'm just more conscious of how I spend my time right now and I don't want to be wasting it away online, etc. Feels like a rare opportunity to develop some healthy routines.
I've been working out 5+ days a week for a month now. Trying not to focus on losing weight/body image goals bc I dont think that is a good motivator but it is also hard not to focus on that!
reading crazy emails coming to my work bc a trans person spoke on campus, literally brain numbing how rotted and hateful ppl are.
ANYWAY, I worked out before work this morning and kinda liked it? It was so early that I couldn't even think about how working out sucks bc my brain was not working yet.
had an awesome epic party over the weekend. i love seeing all my friends and meeting new folks at my house it's so lovely
got grossly harassed on my street yesterday just going for a walk. it was really upsetting and frustrating bc I just started to feel more confident about walking alone in my neighborhood. and I like want to respect my neighbors but not when they do shit like that! it sucks to feel like you can't say hello or look at people when on a walk in your own neighborhood.
tried a "celsius" at work today bc my coworkers are all obsessed, barely drank half of it and im so caffinated i cannot focus.
registered for my fall classes today! very excited about it, although I will have to be on campus for 12 hours on tuesdays lol.
i think doing regular cardio is actually getting me into shape which is awesome and crazy, and something i've been wanting to accomplish for literal years. it feels really good to finally be doing it.
another day, another how do i pass the time at work...
a huge truck was blocking my car in in the alleyway this am. it made me so angry.
had a really good but super busy weekend. saw many of my dear friends that I love, and my heart grew. the eclipse was freaking awesome. we went to a random conservation area to see it and it ended up being this beautiful open prairie with hardly anyone else there. I didn't even feel all that anxious about skipping work.
I managed to work out everyday last week which felt great. im stewing on what creative project I want to do next.
about to become a jump roper. hoping i will finally get into better shape through jump rope. i hate running but know i need cardio so this is a good replacement i think.
jump rope youtube is really funny.
listened to 7 hours of Dune Messiah and knitted a bunch yesterday. i'm so eager to finish my sweater, I feel like I can't start or work on anything else in my life until it's done. I'm so close now.
feel much better today. I think im officially done with covid. my brain feels balanced again.
going crazy due to covid isolation. it's confusing when I can be around people again
back to work :/ I still feel fairly out of it but I'm hoping that is due to being in my house for 5 days straight.
last night my partner was talking in his sleep and I woke up and said "what?" and it sounded like he said "bird sizes" and then put his forehead against mine and fell asleep lol
I just applied to grad school im so pleased to have that over with!
covid has not defeated me, and i'm finally out of isolation. and i've knitted like half a sweater. and i'm finally going to the chiropractor today. things are on the up and up for team mothbaby. the weather simply needs to warm up! and we will be so back.
sadly my counterpart is sick with covid and I shall take care of him. we are watching so much survivor it's a great show. would recommend.
highly enjoying dune audiobook. listening to it lots and speedily knitting a sweater. getting my haircut after work, excited for that but also have a bit of a migraine due to being at work. my annoying coworker is also a zionist and this came to light while I was extremely hungry and being forced to put lunch off bc she was asking everyone for help and it made me so angry. i dislike her so much it's very challenging.
I have been anxious about food lately. not for like "healthy" reasons but mostly because I am trying to eat out much less. but then i also have to juggle sharing grocery and cooking duties with my partner who has much less freetime than me. and my mood is so dependent on me being well fed that it complicates things even more, which is why i think i spend so much on going out to eat anyway because it's convenient and im not willing to risk getting extremely hangry. or when im extremely hangry i just go out to eat to solve the problem. i just need to be more proactive about feeding myself.
feeling crazy this am. i hate the wet and cold weather. i have nothing to do at work except listen to podcasts and play stupid cookie clicker games. im thinking of listening to the dune audiobooks. i've only ever been able to listen to autobiographies so this may be a fail, im not a very auditory processor. generally prefer to read with my eyes.
going to a chiropractor for my jaw next week. i hope it helps.
i think i got selected to do a market research study for a new toothbrush and they are gonna pay me a lot of money to use a different toothbrush for 8 months, i'm stoked.
feeling generally much better this week. aquarius season finally over!! the fixed signs need a break!
had a lovely craft night with my friend yesterday. it was really nice and inspired me!
i'm attempting to use my knitting skills to make merch for my bf's band. excited to be more creative in my knitting.
i watched iron claw this weekend it was really good and really sad! cannot believe that is a true story. follow me on letterboxed if you want @leshauck
ALSO I FINISHED MY ESSAY FOR MY GRAD SCHOOL APPLICATION YAY IM BASICALLY DONE WITH THE WHOLE APPLICATION :)
obsessively listening to this podcast from these two tik tok comedians. it's called nevermind. its making me want to start a podcast or make more tik toks.
the moment open mic last night was also really inspiring! I went home and tried to write a song on guitar but i couldn't get any decent lyrics coming to me. writing is weird and hard and i know everyone is like "its something you have to practice"! but what i do is write like one poem or song a year when I'm at some emotional peak and then i usually really like it and just ride that high until the next year. it's nearly time for my new yearly writing!
extremely tired at work. probably going to go home with a "migraine" after lunch...need a nap
feeling much better. yoga was good yesterday and i always enjoy getting together with the zine crew. excited for the weekend there are like 50 million things going on. all the better reason for me to get an early start by going home early today!
weirdness continues. Im so good at like continuing to complete tasks that I never properly rot when im depressed. like the continual need to complete things (even if it's like, feeding my farm animals in stardew or knitting) just keeps me going but then I don't realize how im actually feeling. I think there is value in a proper rot that I'm missing out on....
feeling weird lately and unmotivated. I wish when I worked from home I could just commit to not actually working and not worry about being available if anyone needs me. I'm going to try to ride my bike this afternoon and be temporarily unavailable.
money is stressing me out. I have to pay my car insurance and I'm really just barely breaking even every paycheck. having a hard time actually limiting my spending too...
my coworker trauma dumped to me about her nightmares and her friend breakup, I'm just like polite and normal to her and she is somehow reading it as an invitation to tell me about her crazy psyche...she was literally like "idk why im telling you this but i feel like we're the same, but im just more psycho" and it's just wild because i have not opened up to her at all. im just like a mirror for her somehow? i dont understand and don't know how to professionally be like "i dont want to hear about your toxic relationships 24/7 and you scare me"
on the flip side I do think people naturally feel comfortable opening up to me which is part of why I want to become a counselor! but like, im not your work therapist pleasseeee
i keep having nightmares that are just so clearly symbolic of childhood trauma it's like, annoyingly obvious. like damn i gotta deal with this shit again, fine. not helpful that I ghosted my therapist (it was not a good fit) but I think I can do some self-therapizing
i practiced guitar for the first time in a looong time and it felt great. i'm thinking about playing a song at the zine release!
getting a tattoo on thursday from a friend that i won in a raffle! stoked about it
something im grateful for at work is that people have normalized walking around in your socks in our office (it's carpeted, and not like gross) and also wearing blankets. it gives everything a much cozier vibe.
today I replaced my car battery that was leaking and uber corroded. I had to buy new terminal connectors and replace them. I’m proud of myself for doing it so much cheaper than going to a mechanic!
also bought a bong, pretty awesome. Went to all you can eat sushi and I’m so full
my lockjaw is much better but still not totally gone. i hope this doesnt happen again...i don't want to have to get an expensive mouth guard for sleeping.
last night at yoga we had a diff teacher than normal and she had a very serious vibe, but i did get a great work out. then I went to hang with a friend and we made a gift for his gf (and my bestie) to memorialize her recently passed cat. i think she will really like it. and then we finished a puzzle! it was pretty awesome.
Im looking forward to working from home tomorrow. I have little to do this week at work and have been super bored.
i keep waking up with one side of my jaw locked up. it sucks i can hardly eat in the morning bc i cant open my mouth.
im sure this is in no way related to my mental state atm...
been feeling kinda crazy. i think im pmsing. feeling very up and down.
saturday there is a big astrological shift happening. Pluto is moving out of Capricorn and into Aquarius. big for transformations and upheaval.
been having some big ~realizations~ that are kinda hard but ultimately good. it feels good to have some fresh perspective. i've felt really in touch with my emotions and been super honest with people in my life in a way that feels good. cried in front of more people in the last few days than i have in awhile!
lots of things have occurred in the last couple weeks. having two weeks off work was the most amazing and wonderful thing ever. I am back today sadly but at least it's a short week and I start working from home.
my nye party was great and im thankful i got to see so many friends for the new year. one of my friends broke up with their long term partner and another one of my friends is getting engaged. feels like lots of quick sudden changing things happened recently.
one of my good friends got really bad unexpected news that her cat has to be put down and it's really sad and awful. i took pictures of her and her cat yesterday, it was really emotional but it felt good to be there for her. i can only imagine the grief shes going through. but we did talk about how much of a reminder it is that everything can change very suddenly. and how that can be really overwhelming because there are endless possibilities of things that could randomly happen. but also the fact that those possibilities are endless also makes it pointless to worry about...you may as well enjoy the present and enjoy the company of the people (and critters) you love while you can.
another one of my friends is in crisis too and its kinda exhausting. recurring pattern in my life is that I am the support friend when people are in crisis, which is something I do think I'm good at and often enjoy providing meaningful support. and I do feel grateful to not be in crisis myself! but also can be a balancing act to not drain myself emotionally.
im grateful too for my partner and the fact that i have a loving restorative and supportive home to return to everyday. we had a really great four year anniversary celebration and have been feeling super connected.