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older

I’m starting to think

Maybe

You’re supposed to cry

On your birthday

If not now when

Crying is a great way

To get older

almost time

Against my better judgement

I watched the presidential debate

Now I’m thinking about

ELECTORAL POLITICS

Like i swore off of after last time

I’m dwelling in 2020

More than I’m comfortable with

The debate was bad

No shocker there

There’s a smell

An aura hanging

Looming even

Foreshadowing

That it is almost time

To pay the piper

To reap what was sown

Feels single digits now

Before we lesser evil ourselves

All the way to Evil World

This is the third election

Of my adult life

I think I’m right to be jaded

The temperature has not

Stopped rising

Since the day i first looked

At the thermometer

I’ve got no other

Frame of reference

All that stuff

Balanced precariously

Inches from the blades

Of the whirring fan

Smells like shit

Can’t help feeling

It’s almost time

For it to hit the fan

red and blue

Marlboro red is a real bad dude

He’s got a short fuse and a hair trigger

He burns hot and fast

So don’t piss him off

He wears big baggy t shirts

But you can see his muscles

Pulsing underneath

Ready to go at a moment notice

He smells ripe

Like he has been sweating

Not that long ago

He slouches his broad shoulders

And leans against the wall

Like he owns the place

The blue spirit is calmer

He takes his time

In arriving at the point

He decided to make

Ten minutes ago

He’s thoughtful and calculated

He’s quiet until he has something

He thinks is worth saying

His long hair blows in the wind

When he talks he uses words

That don’t seem to fit his mouth

Got a vocabulary older than he is

He’d watch the birds fly by

All afternoon if he could

He smells like dirt

And he sits on the curb

Whistling to himself

box

Buy a damn box

From the home depot

Tape the damn box

On the damn bottom

Fill the damn box

Tape the damn box

Then find the one sharpie

Floating around here somewhere

And try to remember

What the hell

Is in the damn box

And label it

Compartmentalize

Everything you own

Everything you are

Must fit in a damn box

And be labelled

Everything else must go

If it can’t be boxed and labeled

It must be thrown out

Buy a damn box

Of cigarettes

Take up smoking again

Empty the damn box

One inhale at a time

To try and cool off

Mouth gross

Hands smell bad

And back to boxing

Every damn thing

All week long

Pick up all the damn boxes

Carry them out

Of the box you live in

Put them in a box on wheels

Drive the box to another box

Take the damn boxes

Put them in the other box

Open the damn boxes

Take all the crap out

Then sit around and wait

To box all the crap again

Yup

its time again

It’s that time again

I’ve become depressed and stressed

And can’t figure out why

Until i remember

It’s the same reason as last time

They wouldn’t fill my medication

And i got too stressed out

To schedule another appointment

To repeat myself for the fifth time

That i would like the refill

That i was promised at our last meeting

When you said

I wouldn’t have to meet

And could just pick up the prescription

So i went off my meds

Got out of the habit

And now im getting set off

By smaller things

Once again

Yippee

Can’t handle this until

After my move

But it’s on the chopping block

To go back to normal

home

Home is where the heart is

And I’ve stamped my heart all over

Home is where you take

A big fat shit and clog the toilet

And then it overflows

And floods the basement

And your dad helps you

Clean it all up

And then home smells like shit

And you have to get all new towels

Home is where you hide

When you did something bad

Home is where your dog lives

Home is where your stuff is

Home is where you live

On the second floor

Then the basement

Then the third floor twice

Then the first floor twice

Home is a square with a triangle roof

Home is where the umpire says

One of two things

SAFE or

YEEEEERRRRRR OOUUTT

Home is the button

My old phone used to have

Home is a warm old memory

Of somewhere you don’t belong

Anymore

Home is smoke detectors going off

Home is lonely and crowded

Home is where the heart is

And my heart is in my chest

turtle years

In turtle years I’m a baby

I’m not even fully grown

So i think it’s fine

To go popping my head

In and out of my shell

There is no rush

Slow and steady

And all that

bottomless thought

I don’t really think

Any of my little poems

About climate change

Are very good

Or say anything meaningful

I just have to purge the thought

But then in the purging

I have invited it back in

I don’t really think

This is a Me Problem

The problem is bottomless

So it makes sense

That the worry is as well

The Just Stop Oil group

Keeps doing stuff

And every time

There’s so many opinions

And i don’t really give a guck

About cornstarch on Stonehenge

Or soup on a painting

I don’t really even care

If they are, as alleged

Funded by oil companies

The response speaks to me

It reminds me

That all of these people

Are so capable of outrage

So ready to condemn

So ready to criticize

But we are somehow

(And i have my theories

About the How)

Incapable of pointing the outrage

At the source of the problem

Incapable of agreeing

On how it is we should be angry

How it is we should be stopping

The thing that is killing us

So we yell at people

For yelling in the wrong way

And it’s like my half assed poems

It scratches the itch

A little bit

Makes you feel like

You’ve said something

You’ve touched the needle

But it is nothing

It is like soup on an old painting

It doesn’t really matter at all

Art is meant to be destroyed

Monuments are meant to be defaced

All of that is just speech

Words in the air

It isn’t action

Which is what

(I think)

Many of us

Are so desperate for

Saving the world

Is as easy as

Stopping destroying it

But the means of destruction

Are so knotted by design

That you can’t just pull on them

You either have to

Carefully feel around

Wedge a finger in a loop

And unwind it little by little

Or start cutting

Cutting the rope is illegal

Dangerous and fast and lethal

The rope is also

A safety net

It’s holding everything together

I’m losing my metaphor here but

Basically i think it’s good

When they put orange paint

On Stonehenge

Because it reminds me

I’m not the only one who’s angry

I’m not the only one who wishes

We were doing more than orange paint

Attacking more than big rocks

I don’t know what should be done

But i know if i don’t think about it

It will be like it’s not there

There’s orange paint in my head

And it has to go somewhere

Even sloppily and misplaced

I need to see it with my eyes

To remember it is real

heatdeath

It’s getting hotter

Locally

In pockets

And in this pocket

About as big as Earf

It’s getting hotter

Because we’re burning stuff

Using energy to do things

And the burnt stuff

Clouds the air

And traps heat in

So it’s getting hotter

Every time stuff happens

Stuff which requires burning

It gets a little hotter

I read about

Wet bulb temperature

And now i think about it

All the time

It can get so hot

And so humid

At the same time

That your sweat won’t evaporate

Which is the part of sweating

That cools you off

You just keep getting hotter

And then you die

There’s nothing you can do

About the getting hotter

There’s nothing you can do

About the burning of stuff

There’s nothing you can do

Outside this little pocket

All of the heat will dissipate

Flash and fizzle out

Until the universe is nothing but

Infinitely equally distant

Particles of nothing

No heat at all

That’s scary too

But the first death you die

Is going to be a hot one

Then after that

The heat will die

And that’s when you really die

When the flame goes out

one year

One year in Chicago

Basically at the end of the month

I think mostly I’ve done good

I’ve pushed myself a lot

Making friends is hard

And i cut myself slack on it

But i sort of figured at least by now

I’d have someone to go do things with

Mostly i just have incidentals

People who know me but

Not really friends

I’m grateful for all my friends back home

And i worry i don’t acknowledge that enough

But Chicago is so cool

And i just feel so aware a lot of the time

How much cooler it would be

If i was sharing it with people

Which is why i love having visitors

My mom and sisters came last weekend

Brother and his wife this weekend

Two friends coming next weekend

It’s good

I know i must be doing something wrong

I must be bad at some part of it

Because people like me

I’m polite and I’m funny and I’m nice

But I’m not good at something

Meeting and introduction

Inviting and sustaining

There’s a part that I’m missing

Which is fine really

It’s just a muscle I’d like to build

I think other people

Would have been better at this

But God help me

I keep trying

And i think that’s my biggest accomplishment

That’s been the moral of my last year

That I’m someone who keeps trying

I’m stubborn like that

I started packing for real tonight

And it’s weird

More emotionless than i thought

I guess my move last year

Was extra taxing because

I was moving so far

And was so uncertain

Now I’ve got all these experiences

Under my belt

Just wishing i was doing more sharing

Looking at the year ahead

It’s fuzzy

I have vague ideas

Changes ahead of course

But i dont know when or how yet

Im coming back to St. Louis

For a while at least

Not with my tail tucked between my legs

But because i think its something

That i need to do

As much as i needed to move here

For a bit

Now that I’ve done it

I know that it’s easy

It’s something i can handle

So i don’t feel like

I’m giving up exactly

I just think things

Aren’t as linear as i once envisioned

I want to be around my good friends

I want to be there for my sister

I want to be there for my mom

I want to try and help my dad

I want to be home again

I want to see my dog

I think those are good reasons

I am young and have no major plans

I am good at loving multiple things

I love Saint Louis

I love Chicago

I love the Midwest baby

The heartland

I still gotta figure out what the deal is

But I’ll be back for some time

Maybe I’ll just move back and forth

Every two years

Like an insane person

Or I’ll get a fully remote job

And two apartments

And I’ll just go back and forth

On a whim whenever i want

Probably not that one

But I’m just spitballing

cicado

I like the cicadas

My coworker doesn’t

She’s terrified of them

So much that it’s annoying

Yeah it’s a big bug but

It don’t bite

All they do is sing loud

And fly around

For maybe a month

And then they die

They make it hard to forget

That life is all around you

That everything cycles

That all the while you didn’t hear them

They were crawling around

As nymphs by the roots

Unseen underfoot

I find their song compelling

And i will miss it

When they pause before refraining

mulberry

Standing barefoot on the fence

Blunt wood digging into callous-less heels

Tippy tippy toes

Up to the branch with the big ones

The purple berries hanging delicately

Which fall if nudged at all

Grabbing them by tiny handful

And shoving into tiny mouth

Purple hands and face

Stained by the sweet mulberry

And when they reach all they can

Move onto the red

Too impatient to let them ripen

The bitter tastes good too

Until you slip off the fence post

Land hard on your back

Knocking the wind out

Gasping for air

With all the fallen berries in the lawn

Fermenting on the ground

And it happens every summer

Until you’re tall enough

You don’t need to stand on the fence

three things

At the recommendation of a friend

I’ve been listening to healing frequencies

Started a bit as a joke

If just pick the one with the wildest title

“FULL CELLULAR REGENERATION

KILL ALL BAD DNA PURE SLEEP ANGEL

FREQUENCY TO HEAL BLOOD 777 Hz”

But i have been finding it calming

Gives me restful sleep

With weird dreams

But i like weird dreams

It’s like free tv

I’ve also been leaning into coincidence

Feeling out the world like

A marble in a big Rube Goldberg machine

Random chance and small decisions

Lead to cathartic happenstance

Case in point

Today i took a nap

Then woke up and wanted to exercise

Went on a long walk yesterday

So i decided to take my bike

So i didn’t bring my wallet

Hopped on my bike

And rode for a bit

Until i almost spun out

Back tire flat again

Found a pump and inflated it

Flat again in two minutes

So i walk my bike

To the bike shop

I haven’t been to in a while

Two nice girls are working

And we joke around while they’re

Checking out my bike

This is really good for me

I love joking around

And I’ve been lonely again lately

And I’m so sick

Of talking to engineers

But i don’t have my wallet

So i cant pay

So i say ill run home

While they put on a new tire

Which i do

And i time it perfectly

The second they texted me it’s ready

I walk in the door

Get my bike

Bike girl 1 tells me it was an easy fix

Bike girl 2 says that’s a really good tire

Shouldn’t happen again

I say thank you thank you thank you

And i go down the street

To 711

Because i saw a guy with a slurpee

And it looked so good

Then I’m walking my bike

Slurping away

And this is no exaggeration

The most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen

Is walking opposite me

I caught her eye

And i sheepishly looked away

Then she’s standing two feet away

Smiling right at my face

Looking me over

Little brief interaction

Then I’m smiling all the way home

It don’t take much

Not sure what my point here is

Other than to remind myself

That when i do things

Things happen

And if i had just gone on napping

I would not be smiling now

Thinking of beautiful women

And my friends at the bike shop

I’m going chaos mode again

Creatively I’m working on

So many different projects

That i flip between frantically

And im so busy otherwise

Idk if anything is going to get done

But it still feels good

I’m working on a comic

Which I’m actually really happy with

I’ve been doing all this insane world building

That will mostly just sit in the background

Of some silly little comics

And it is fun to do

I’m working on drafting a personal zine

Timeline on this is sketchy but

I’d like it to be a summer release

We shall see we shall see

I’m back working on another bitsy game

Basically it’s the same one again

But better

I like thinking of all art as a work in progress

This is why i struggle to share mine

This is just a rough draft

Of the true thing

Which is impossible to capture

It is an impression

A three dimensional shadow

Of a four dimensional cube

In other words

I feel like i can do this idea better

So I’m doing it again

Same with every song i write

I think i can do a little better

Before i say it’s ready

I’m also supposed to be packing

Have to move at the end of the month

A lot going on and my attention is so split

I’m sure I’ve been forgetting things

But i don’t have time to

Remember what they are

Work sucks and its a big part

Of why I’ve been so fractured

But i have my healing frequencies

And the power of coincidence

So i think i will weather the chaos

And try to take it easy in July

terminator

I cannot be killed

By mechanical means

Nor devious device

Nor malevolent machine

You may not strike me down

With armed automaton

Remorseless robots

Or even dreadful droids

If you want me dead

You’re gonna have to get dirty

Your hands

You’re gonna have to dirty your hands

Otherwise it just won’t take

I’ll stand here unarmored

And if you want to kill me

You’ll have to rip me apart

You’ll have to be strong

Enough to rip my heart out

Hold it in your hand

And take it in your mouth

You’re gonna have to chew

Through the grisly scar tissue

And when you’re burping

You’ll remember

You are what you eat

And what you ate was me

And you’ll have to kill yourself

And that won’t be easy

Because you can’t be killed

By any machine

phone guy rant

Oh those damn motherfuckers

Steve joms Tim apple cook fuckers

They put Siri on my phone

They put Chad gbt on my phone

They put 5 g on it

They want to take it all away

All the little momentary joys

Not knowing something

And figuring it out

Thinking about it

Telling someone

Don’t worry about it

You don’t need to pay me back

Forgetting stuff

Getting lost

They want to take it all away from me

And keep it to themselves

So that i am

Efficient

So that i am

Productive

So that i never have to think

Never have to wonder

Never have to choose

They will ruin me

If i don’t become so angry

That no technology can fix me

If i don’t dig my heels in

Deeper than the bedrock

You can pull me to the future

With your iPhone iOS 666

Bullshit talking phone

Making shit up

Talking to me all the time

Trying to get me to talk back

Trying to get me to give a fuck

Trying to get me to use my phone more

Remembering all my birthdays

Remembering all my texts

Knowing what my face looks like

Knowing my thumbprint

Remembering my moms voice for me

Remembering everything

So that i am just a lifeless body

Hollowed out to be piloted

By profit maximizing algorithms

NOOOOOOOOO

No fuckingway will that happen to me

No not to me

I’m so FUCKINGPISSED

at iphonw

You can’t make me

Whatever you want

You can’t make me

I’ll get rid of it

All my games and apps

All the good parts

If you ruin it for me

I’ll fucking do it

You can’t stop me

Yet

You can’t stop me yet

Wait hold up

They got porn on here

They got ai porn

With a robot girl who loves me

Hmmmmmmmmm maybe i keep it

mondey

Slept weird

Strange feeling of despair

That i can’t put my finger on

Everything’s fine otherwise

But for the despair

Think I’ll take a nap

Sleep it over

invasive

My koi are an invasive species

The kudzu weed is an invasive species

And yet i think both deserve to live

From the USGS:

An invasive species is an introduced, nonnative organism that begins to spread or expand its range from the site of its original introduction and that has the potential to cause harm to the environment, the economy, or to human health.

One: nonnative

How long must you live somewhere

Before you tell people

That is where you are from?

Two: spread or expand its range

We must all grow

Or else shrink

Standing in the gap between

Other growing clusters

Three: harm to the environment

What will be considered harm

In a changing ecosystem?

An invasive species may dominate

And establish a new equilibrium

Which allows for new life to flourish

Harm is hard to quantify

When competition is the name of the game

Four: the economy

[REDACTED]

Five: or to human health

Are we ourselves not a species

Are we not a part of the environment

Are we not causing harm

Are we not proliferating

Spreading across the surface of the earth

Far beyond the area

Of our introduction

Are we not invasive?

the immortal Thud

He stands 8 foot something

Unmovable

Some say

Unlovable

Some say

He sounds like

Thud thud thud

Every sound he makes

Sounds like thud

He wears big black boots

He rolls his giant carharts

So you can see more

Of the big black boots

And they go thud thud

Down every street he walks

He’s a dense blunt instrument

His fat hands like catchers mitts

He could hold hot coals

Right in his palm

And not even wince

He doesn’t even work

Because nobody asked him

If he wanted a job

So he just walks around

Thud thud thud

All too scared to talk to him

Poor guy

I bet he could use a friend

But it won’t be me

That guy is too big

Too strong probably

He doesn’t fit in

Through the door

Or around here generally

And it isn’t fair

But it’s nobody’s job

To make a place for him

It’s nobody’s job

To make an exception

Go thud somewhere else

That’s what they mutter

Under their collective breath

And it’s a shame

It’s a real damn shame

yahoo

I’m so pissed off about work again

prison earth

They put so many damn satellites up

You can’t see the stars no more

And all the smashed up ones

Have created a debris field

Too dense to survive in a rocket

We are stuck here

And it’s getting hotter

So hot and so humid

That when you sweat

The sweat can’t evaporate

And you just keep getting hotter

Until you die

And that goes for you

And all the plants and animals

And it’s flooding

And it’s storming

And everyone’s yelling at you

Saying this was all your fault

When all you did

The simple thing that you did

Was push a big red button

Labeled

MAKE EVERYTHING WORSE

AND TRAP US HERE FOREVER

What’s the big deal

Calm down

Prison is good

Otherwise why would we have them

We should be fine

As long as nobody pushes

The bigger redder button

Labeled

KEEP DOING IT

worried dog

They bred a new breed of dog

With a permanently furrowed brow

You can always see the whites of its eyes

It looks around the room

Looking for something it can’t find

Remembering something it forgot

They made a dog born worried

Its first breath and its last

Will be a heavy sigh

Worn out by something

Larger than the mind of a dog

It still loves playing catch

But when the ball rolls under the couch

It will cry and cry and cry

They made a worried kind of dog

A dog that tries its best

But never feels adequate

A dog that sits and stays

And shakes and barks

But can’t ever relax

Not for long enough to count

Why did they do this

I don’t know

Dog breeding is pretty weird

It’s kind of just eugenics

But grandfathered in

To acceptable society

Because we don’t think

A dog has a soul

Or something like that

It’s kind of scary

The limits of what we could do

When we feel entitled

When we become

Owners

Life as property

It’s strange

I’m not saying let all the dogs loose

(Who let the dogs out)

But it’s kind of strange

And i think

Worth interrogating

imm ortal

They let me live forever

But i said i didn’t want it

So i took every extra year

From the rest of my unlimited life

And distributed it evenly

Across all living things

From now until the last one dies

I may have only bought you

A couple measly seconds

But i wanted to be fair

So make it count

Please make it count

manic

I’m going nuts mode

I’m going ham

I’m going hard

I’m feeling sort of

Manic

And good at everything

I’m so good at my job

That they tripled my workload

And I’m still kind of killing it

Whenever this limitless energy expends

I will doubtlessly be fucked

But for now

To me and my employer

I am infinite

I am productivity

I am inexhaustible

Can’t wait to burn out

gender i hardly know her

I have got stuff to say

Which i am mapping out

About gender and my place in it

But one thing that trips me up

Is how to say it at least

To a prospective audience

With a shallower understanding

Of what gender really is

I think i mostly like the way i dress

I think i mostly like my voice

I think i fuck with masculinity some

Like i think guns and knives are cool

Like i love drinking beer

Like i already know

How to make the boys laugh

And other stuff too i guess

A lot of the pieces

Of what we call a man

Are pieces i actually like

But i don’t wanna be a man

I don’t want to be understood that way

As much as i shift my own understanding

I can see myself as anything

With my awesome mind

That’s only half the battle

The gender battle

So I’m moving stuff around

Trying to be understood different

I think I’m everything

But i must contend

With a world that doesn’t see that

As readily as i do

If i was born a woman

I could just do all of the man stuff

And everyone would say

That’s cool and hot actually

You’re one of the boys

And i could do girl stuff too

When i want to

I could do my hair and makeup

And look nice and not feel weird

I could broaden my wardrobe

Even if i love my staples

And all of these things are so possible

But in order to get there

The way i want to

I think i gotta do

A weird fold

A performance of authenticity

An artifice of self

I don’t feel like I’m hiding

Or that I’ve ever been untrue

I just think i have some work to do

To have others see me

The way I’d like

It’d be simpler a lot of other ways

But I’m stubborn and particular

And i think about things too much

So this is how i look at it

Right now it is

I got more to say

But that’s all for now

Right now it is

critical mass

I gotta look up all the details

About what this thing really is

But this evening

I rode my bike for five hours

Twenty plus miles

With hundreds of people

All around Chicago

Places I’ve never been before

Smiling and waving

Blocking off traffic

Keeping each other safe

It was so damn cool

And i remember

I am so good at excluding myself

That it feels amazing

When i am part of something

Part of the pack

Part of the group

Part of the activity

It makes me feel special

Because I’ve overcome

Whatever it is in me

That always leaves me out

I had so much fun riding my bike

I am work out now

But i think they do this

The big one

Last Friday of every month

So I’m gonna keep doing it

Keep being a part of something

Very cool

Sunglasses emoji

huh

I’m actually thriving at work right now

I’m not thriving

While I’m at work

But at work, i am thriving

I’m good at it

I’m being helpful

My boss complimented me today

On how conscientious i am

I am training the new intern

I am completing everyone’s projects

I am successful at this

Shame it doesn’t make me feel good

If i was the sort

To value my my work performance

I bet I’d feel great now

Instead that’s just

Something that i do

Huh

off

Went off my meds again

Not on purpose but because

They won’t fill my prescription again

For no fucking reason

So I’m off again

More anxious than usual

Kind of loosey goosey

Who care

season

I think I’m different when the sun shines

I think I’m a different person

Like the equinox hits

And i slap hands tag team

Into my own body

Into my own brain

Where i had been all winter

But a different one

It’s the seasonal depression yeah

But it’s more than that

My voice is different

My memories are different

My self is different

Not altogether better

Just wholly changed somehow

I guess like any other plant

I change with the seasons

I saw the tv glow

Im going to see this movie again this weekend. I’ve taken a lot of time to gather my thoughts. This movie really sat with me and I am seeing that my friends have also seen this movie now (which i would love to discuss later) and i figured I’d write out my thoughts as I am bored at work.

First, this is a personal thing, but I find it really boring and trite when a movies whole premise is about unreality or paranoia about if what you’re seeing is real or not. It simply isn’t interesting to me because it is all fake, it is a movie.

HOWEVER, i think this sense of uncertainty was used effectively with purpose in this movie to center you with the protagonist and get you in the right place emotionally. The doubt and denial runs right to the core of what this movie is about, and is not used as a cheap tack-on to imply depth, as i have seen it done in other movies.

I loved all of the visual effects and the creatures and makeup and world of the pink opaque left me wanting more, which again is what i feel the movie wanted to make me feel.

Basically i felt like this movie had my number the whole time. A lot of times ill watch a movie and feel smugly smart like “i know what you’re doing… here’s what will happen next” but here i felt i was being lead around and constantly saying “oh” right as things happened. The bit that Owen says about being empty inside killed me. There was a lot for me to resonate with this character, and even where i didn’t see myself, it was so easy for me to understand.

By the time we get to the scene at the bar i sort of have a feeling for where things are, or could be going, which i think the movie knows, because the rest of the movie takes that expectation, the easy option of a happy ending, a coming of age story, catharsis and resolution, and refuses. Then it doubles down, then it triples down, then it quadruples down. And this is the whole point of the movie. To me it seems that the ending of the movie must exist, and you work backwards from that ending to get the rest. It left me feeling so frustrated and upset in a way no other movie ever has. The movie is simultaneously doing the same thing to you as its protagonist is doing to himself. And it is tragic and it doesn’t feel good. It refuses a way out, there is a confusing loss of time and decay of pacing, a discomfort and horror like ive never really felt watching a movie. Ultimately i find it to be an extremely hopeful movie. Its message: There is still time… OR ELSE. Which is so powerful to me and i can’t wait to watch it again.

25

I’m turning 25

In a bit

And i have thoughts about it

Never thought much

About my age

But now I’m old enough

I feel i ought to

I think i feel that old

Quarter of a century

I was thinking for a bit

I didn’t feel ready

But I’ve got stuff cooking

I’m growing like always

And i like the trajectory

I think I’m on track

I think I’m fucked

In a lot of ways

I’m worried over the future

But that’s nothing new

I think I’ve curated

On the things that are important

I’ve gotten good at love

I am good at loving things

No matter what it is

I am good at feeling love

I think that’s bigger

Than anything else

Even when i feel small

I know my heart is big

I think that’ll carry me

All the way to the next

I see myself becoming strange

As all do as they age

I need to care more for my body

And I’m working on it

All the things I’m worried over

I’m working on it

I just started smoking again

Can’t really say why

Other than

It’s more vague

Than other ways

To hurt myself

And it relaxes me

That’s a big goal of mine

To relax

There’s stuff in the way

But i have plans for it

I think im going to make it

And amongst all the noise

That’s a better outlook

Than I’ve had before

There were times

I couldn’t imagine 25

Now i seem to

Have my heart set on living

Which is powerful

I think I’m going to make it

From here on into the future

Whatever it brings

Be it 25 or 26

Or a greater number

I feel capable

I feel skilled

I feel deserving

Of the grace afforded

To little old me

I feel an acceleration

A pressing need to grow

In order to learn

In order to teach

In order to live

I think i can do it all

Regardless of the

Moment to moment

Anxiety and weirdness

I feel capable of

Achieving a hindsight

Where i can say

I am proud of myself

And i didn’t waste my time

There are pieces I’m missing

There are things i need to do

But i know i have it in me

Not all the time now

But right now

I’m feeling good

About my life

And what I’m gonna get up to

The next quarter century

I’ve got a good base

And I’ve repotted myself

With room for roots

And branches and leaves

Whatever else goes on

I think i can make something of this

And this feeling

It feels like getting away with something

Good

ladybug

There was a ladybug in the office

I saw it Monday and again Tuesday

I let it crawl on my hand

I filled up my water bottle

And dripped some drops on the desk

She was thirsty

I gathered some sugar

Leaves from a plant

And a smaller dead bug

To see if that was stuff

That a ladybug would eat

But mostly she was just thirsty

On my lunch break

I scooped her up on a notecard

And stuck it in my pocket

I brought her out to the courtyard

And left her by the flowers

And i felt good about this

An office is a lifeless place

And though i may not save myself

I was able to save this ladybug

Ben 10

This past year i watched Ben 10

It’s a Cartoon Network show

About a ten year old boy named Ben

Who can turn into 10 aliens

And he goes across the country

In an RV with his grandpa and cousin

And he saves people and stuff

I hadn’t watched it since Sam died

We were obsessed with this show

We would watch every time we got together

Got all the toys and played with them

We would draw our own aliens

Mash them up together

I think at the core of our friendship

Was this show

All of our common interests

Could be funneled through Ben 10

We were probably 7 or 8

When it first aired

And then they made another series

When we were around 12 i think

And as we got older

We drifted and got weird

But there was always Ben 10

Always the way that it felt back then

I watched a movie a couple weeks ago

I Saw The TV Glow

(Which you should go see)

And it stirred something in me

Reminded me of myself

Made me think about Ben 10

Being little and getting obsessed

With pictures on the TV

So that when i remember Ben 10

I’m remembering more than that

When i watched it this year

I felt like i had two sets of eyes

And one of them was crying

snarl ii

Working

10 11 12 hour days again

And my headache is back

Never left

But it’s back again

And i can’t just

Tell my boss to fuck off

So I’m becoming angrier

Which is not healthy for me

Now i gotta stand on the train

Because i was at the office

From 6am to 6pm

And the train is full

I am so irritable

My coworker grabbed my shoulders

And looked at my phone

And i almost bit him

I almost had to put the dog down

I gotta quit my job

But i need money to live

And it’s so hard to job search

While you’re working 12 hour days

And you’re moving apartments

And paying for your sisters college

Registration fees

Because moneys tight again

Back home

And she’s freaking out

And the guy i emailed

About jobs

Won’t email me back

And I’m standing on the train

And i can’t stand still

And I’m getting angry

So if you saw me

You should know

Not to get too close

By my upper lip rescinding

To show my dull fangs

Which will draw blood nonetheless

If i don’t chill the fuck out soon

And that’s Tuesday this week

Love

temporal bathymetry

I can see it in your face

Your fathers face

Just waiting til the wrinkles form

Til the hair grays and recedes

Like parabolic motion

We can sense where

A projectile will land

Based on its current trajectory

And foreknowledge of gravity

In other words

We can see the future

In outlines like topography

Not certain not fact

Not detailed events

Just general shape

And your eyes

Are shaped like your fathers

Unmarred by the feet of crows

Or any other corvid

But these birds are flying south

From north of wherever you are

And you best believe

They will find a place to land

Long as you’re still here

Someday you’ll reach up

And touch your face

The rough winkled skin

Will feel like your fathers

If he ever let anyone touch him

You’ll be weathered differently

By different winds and tides

But you’ll look like him

For better or worse

bomb

I bombed at the open mic

But I’m better now

river road

If the road was a river

I am sure we’d have issues

With flooding and such

But consider this

You could walk along the water

All the way from the movie theater

To your apartment

In the cool shade of old trees

The crosswalks would be

Little bridges

The sidewalks lined with ferns

You would see all the people

You already see

But you’d also see more

Splashing in the river

Where the cars are now

You’d overhear them talking

About the same mundane things

And you’d also hear the birds

The constant flow of water

It would be the same place

But just with less concrete

And it would feel right

Like you’d been waiting on it

Instead of baking on asphalt

You’d be sheltered in a forest

If instead of this road

It was a river

EVERYTHING SUPER FOR GOD

Someone wrote in sharpie

Something on cardboard

Then it got all ripped

And folded up

And now it reads

EVERYTHING

SUPER

FOR GOD

So that’s what it means now

There’s a pair of shoes

Gray and dirty

Sitting in the bush

I have to imagine

Someone left them behind

Because one of those pairs

That hangs from the wire

Flew off and fell down

And they were really nice

So they took off their shoes

And swapped them up

For fancy shoes from the sky

There’s chicken bones

Littered up the stairs

And i guess someone ate good

Or a chicken grew new bones

And shed the old ones

To make room

For something stronger

I have to imagine

Because thats all i can do

chomper

I slipped on the bed

I hit my head

Knocked my tooth

Straight up the roof

Of my god damn mouth

My brother pushed me

I forgot that

He pushed me off

I used to let him

Do all the talking

It was easy

To say nothing

To be quiet

But one time

And i don’t even remember this

Somebody got too close

And i bit his finger

With my crooked teeth

And from then on

He called me Chomper

And he didn’t get too close

Now i speak for myself

Because my brother

Lives somewhere else

And when he speaks for me

He gets it wrong

So my mouth is used

Mostly now for talking

But if you get too close

You’d do well to remember

I still have teeth

And teeth are for biting

shift

If i ever have to dress

Business casual again

I’m gonna do it

But i won’t be happy

Any room

I can’t be wearing

My new cargo pant jeans

I don’t wanna be in

Same as this

Any room a dog can’t go in

I don’t want to go there

But rooms with money in it

Often have rules

About how to act

And what to do

To get the money

And I’ve grown worried

I might need money later

When the table turns

When the weather changes

When it starts to shift

So i put on a two button

Short sleeve collared shirt

That makes me feel like

Someone i read about

Not someone i am

And i pick up an extra shift

At the money room

Save it for later

When i was younger

They used to ask me

And i loved answering

What would i want

If i could have a power

Not just a power

But a super power

And id talk through it

Saying at first i would think

The power to fly

But quickly I’d realize

That’s not all i want

I want to shapeshift

And i could be a bird

I could fly all i want

I could change my shape

Be a fish or a worm or anything

And i think now

Most of us anyhow

Possess this ability

To change our shape

Only it happens slow

And I’ve seen myself

Shifting in all kinds of ways

But lately more and more

Into this business casual shape

Which i don’t recognize as me

And i can say all i want

This is just for now

This is just to get by

But getting by

Does not include

Not feeling like yourself

I saw a movie last week

Which reminded me

That time is precious

And it is possible

To shift into a shape

A shape that cannot shift

And get stuck that way

So i am renewed

To change into myself

With purpose and urgency

And if i have to leave

The money room

To look like me

Then so be it

My dog isn’t even in there

And it’s not the only way

Just the quickest

i have dreams when i go to sleep

Walking into a hotel

Right past the front desk

Telling those im with

To act like we already checked in

Standing in a courtyard

Milling about socializing

A Gary-like man

Muttering to me

Then speaking in French

To my conversation partner

I could tell he was talking shit

But i can’t speak French

Not even in dreams

So i tried to get someone

To translate for me

They all refused

So i fumed and woke

To my brother leaving

Slinking out the door

Early in the morning

Heading the Gary way

And i was mad at him for it

Then back to sleep

For more dreams

Of nothing in particular

new beast

When i encounter a new beast

I will either say hell yeah

Or i will react in fear

If i react with fear and disgust

I take a step back

I unlearn my biases

I work this beast into my worldview

I understand it as myself

I understand myself as it

I become the beast

And it becomes me

And then i say hell yeah

Watching monkey videos on YouTube

Or some such

piston cup

I need to go to

A doctor

A dentist

A different doctor

A tattoo artist

A psychiatrist

A masseuse

And a barber

But i wish they’d come to me

And fix me up

Like a nascar pit team

Bzzt bzzzt bzzt

Then im back on the road

I have such a hard time

Scheduling

So i think this would be best

Yeah

cliff notes

Gary was here

But he fell off

So i wrote this

Here on the ledge

Above the canyon

On his behalf

Rest in peace

Gary my friend

pull ups

I’m going this strange way

That i can’t really parse

It’s like walking backwards

Holding your arms behind you

And feeling around

For stuff to bump into

It’s like taking your shoes off

And walking through your house

At night with the lights off

Furniture where you don’t expect it

Like getting lost at a roundabout

Standing still and tripping

I didn’t think it’d be like this

When i thought about it earlier

Thought i was off the hook

But there’s more hooks than that

To get snagged and pulled on

There’s death over there

Run over in the alley

Getting eaten by flies

And that’s not something

You can sit around and wait on

You need to make busy

Find other stuff to do

While it sits in your stomach

Ready to waste you too

So I start doing pull ups

I watch the world move

Up and down and up and down

Hanging on the doorframe

At least I’m getting stronger

That’s all I can think now

At least I’m getting stronger

On this strange way I’m going

Thursday night show

I’ve got a pact with the drummer

That I’m gonna bob my head

Down when she kicks it

And up in the pause between

I’m doing my best

To fall in love with the bassist

But somebody’s head

Is getting in the way

It’s hard in the prelude

Going to a show alone

But i love looking up at stage

I feel like

I’m doing what I'm supposed to

I bought two tickets

And forgot to invite anyone

Not that i had many options

But it would’ve been nice

Im getting pretty good at it

Going alone

I set a goal

To talk to two people

Other than the bartender

And not counting the bouncer

Who recognized me

From another bar i frequent

I think i managed four

That’s pretty good

I thought about

Riding my bike to the show

Couldn’t make up my mind

But was vindicated

In taking the bus

When i walked out the venue

Walked half a block

Then the rain came

So fucking much of it

Pouring

I was soaked in a minute

Stood completely drenched

At the bus station

Chatting with some guy

Got on the bus

And wondered why

I don’t take the bus that much

It’s pretty good actually

Better than taking forever

Walking or on a train

Going the wrong way

It was a good night

But i got shit to do tomorrow

So sweet dreams

Xoxo ttyl

as you were

Great bird

Screeching metal

Coming at you

Pick you up

To the top of the hill

Drop you on your head

And you go spilling down

Avalanching

Picking up dirt and bruises

Growing in diameter

Carving a path

Smooth mud to the bottom

Where the slope tapers

You start losing speed

Crashing through fences

Mailboxes and the like

Tumbling forward

Til you come to rest

Right were you started

As you were

shuffle

Huh

There’s a joker in the deck

And nobody knows how to use it

Nobody here at the table

Knows any card games with jokers

I thought we got rid of it last time

But every time we shuffle

There he pops up again

Maybe we can learn

Or we can set it aside

Until inevitably it comes up again

It’s strange

Having jokers in the deck

Just something you deal with

From time to time

The Dud

Of all the people in the world

All the faces and bodies there are

The one you had to get stuck with

Is the one we call

The Dud

The Dud is like warm water

It’s perfectly fine to drink

But if we’re being honest

It’s nobody’s favorite flavor

Nobody’s cup of tea

The Dud is where you live now

When you look in the mirror

You will see The Dud and sigh

It’s not beautiful or ugly

But it’s loathsome to the eye

The Dud is just a body

Bodies are like snowflakes

Yet there must be boring snowflakes

Worth melting down with salt

Somewhere in the blizzard

There must be a dud

The Dud is like a rainbow

Dependent on the weather

The angle that you’re looking

Position of the sun

The Dud is like a rainbow

Illusory and damp

The Dud is what we call it

When you don’t like yourself

You don’t like taking pictures

Don’t like buying clothes

Nothing you can help

You got a case of The Dud

The Dud is a condition

A mindset you can shake

Work out and get a haircut

Try out some new clothes

But after all your trying

You’ll always come back

To The Dud

you can take a horse

You can take a horse to water

You can lift a cup to his lips

You can tilt his head back gently

You can run your hand along his throat

You can stroke his mane and whisper

Drink up you big thirsty horse

You can take a horse swimming

You can have a splash fight with him

You can get some in your eye

You can get upset when he keeps splashing

You can say stop it seriously

You can huff and puff and swim away

You can forgive the horse

You can smile at the horse

You can apologize to the horse

You can go back to how things were

You can swim until the sun sets

You can take the horse on a date

You can go to a fancy restaurant

You can watch him eat spaghetti

You can sit back and watch him

You can push your fork around your plate

You can say you aren’t that hungry

You can ask the horse about his day

You can laugh and laugh and laugh

You can go home with the horse

You can horse around in bed

You can wake up shirtless

You can turn to the horse

You can ask him what this means

You can sleep without an answer

You can fall in love with the horse

You can move in with the horse

You can get married on the beach

You can change your last name to Horse

You can settle in to domestic life

You can watch the horse get older

You can watch the flame go out

You can take a horse for granted

You can forget how much you need him

You can long for something different

You can be dismissive and withdrawn

You can come home after work

You can hardly speak a word

You can get mad for no reason

You can start yelling out of nowhere

You can ball your fists in anger

You can fall silent for a moment

You can cry and cry and cry

You can beg the horse for forgiveness

You can promise you’ll do better

You can come home to an empty house

You can lose yourself without him

You can fall down on your knees

You can fill yourself with liquor

You can cry yourself to sleep

You can take a horse to water

But you can not make him drink

appy irthday

I flew on a plane on earth day

And i didn’t have a window seat

So i closed my eyes to it

I needed to get home

From my trip to the city

One flight of many flights

Thoughtless in the clouds

I can’t help thinking

The earth is changing

And this is why

It worries me

So i close my eyes to it

This little pebble

Earf

It has not been like this long

It was lava

It was oceans

It was ice age

It was forests

It was one big island

Then for a little bit

It was my home

It was where everyone i know

Was born and died

It was the only place for me

And it is changing

It will be something else soon

And i don’t know what

Other than

It won’t be my home

Not the one i recognize

And that scares me

So i close my eyes to it

And fall asleep

On the plane

In the sky

On earth day

statement

On behalf of bugleague

And the rest of

The Bugleague Foundation

We would like to

Sincerely apologize

To all French

For the statements made

By bugleague this morning

About how you suck

These statements

Do not represent the values

We try to uphold here

And were made hastily

In jest

But in poor taste

If you can find it

In your puny French hearts

To forgive us

We will do everything we can

To make this right

Moving forward

Thank you

And god bless

hater

One problem i got

With the way people act

older

almost time

red and blue

box

its time again

home

turtle years

bottomless thought

heatdeath

one year

cicado

mulberry

three things

terminator

phone guy rant

mondey

invasive

the immortal Thud

yahoo

prison earth

worried dog

imm ortal

manic

gender i hardly know her

critical mass

huh

off

season

I saw the tv glow

25

ladybug

Ben 10

snarl ii

temporal bathymetry

bomb

river road

EVERYTHING SUPER FOR GOD

chomper

shift

i have dreams when i go to sleep

new beast

piston cup

cliff notes

pull ups

Thursday night show

as you were

shuffle

The Dud

you can take a horse

appy irthday

statement

hater

we didn’t invent music we discovered it