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#black - completeness, singularity, silence, ego death
#cult - people who want to believe the same delusion
#pain - you must partake of this fruit to learn that everything has its opposite
#safe - probably not harmful. Maybe.
surety[1]
"So unsure"
"Of course because surety requires more complete information"
"Our information is 'unactionable' at best"
A profound lack of confidence. Because we learned things that made us question not just what we know but how we know.
I hate this feeling on my face. the scratchy needing. How did it start and why can't it stop...
I don't like my posture, always slouching. No control over my body, always just letting it do what comes naturally to it. it's not me. And it sends what others perceive as communication. They get messages that I'm not sending.
I'm tired, but I woke up after about 2 hours. Echoes of "it's getting worse" and memories of watching a show and seeing a tortoise killed for no reason. A feeling of burning rage that wasn't mine but was understandable at the death. Not mine because I wasn't there. Because I feel like if I was I would have attacked the person who was threatening the tortoise. and on the other side this giddy satisfaction, and casual disregard for life from the perspective of the man who killed the tortoise. something I also didn't feel, but something I imagine I would feel in such a situation or at least I could feel even if I didn't. This feeling a ghost of echoes of feelings I didn't feel and the disgust at my potential self for feeling that way.
None of that is what I was dreaming about, it's what hit me as soon as I woke up, as my consciousness tried to remember here and now. Oh ya, it though. Remember this fucked up shit we saw before we slept? We didn't feel any of this at the time, just a feeling of waste, just a feeling of the situation not being so dangerous that we'd have wanted to kill the tortoise, just for a small meal. Feeling that taking the small animal and putting it in a bag in the heat of a sun scorched wetland, a tight enclosed space, was torturous, cruel. Feeling that letting it think it was free for a last moment before a flash of a knife later, it's head cut off, was sad, and mean.
Not that I know the lived experience. I had been anthropomorphizing. A cozy label to dismiss the pain as imaginings of an overactive mind.
And now I know there are more cruelties that happen on a daily basis by the billions by all manner of life all over. I'm only feeling those things about that specific individual because I had seen it. Because my seeing it forced me to recognize it.
And the me I am now is continued from then. I am here and now. Just having woke up in the middle of the night my body temperature lower but sweating, drool pooled at my mouth.
Where I had been was different. I had been seeing unopened game cards and feeling like I wanted them, and fighting my urge to pocket them. I had been walking through a hallway which had been an old stomping ground, and been a terror to the people who had used to be there. My absence had allowed for a worse fate to come, which caused the people there to come together to fend off. And the only thing there for me was resentment. Encountering someone I had known I wanted to apologize. But when they saw me the look on their face was of distress, I couldn't even understand what they had said. Two words probably, maybe more. but I knew that just being there again was adding some insult to the injury and was unforgivable itself, let alone the pain I had caused previously.
I had been looking at this box of old electronics gadgets. Something like a CD player, handheld game toys. A person I was with pointed at one of them showing interest in it, so I handed it to them and they looked at it with nostalgia. I rummaged through the box and found one I thought was interesting and turned it on looking to see if there was any music it had on it, like it was a kind of mp3 player. When the other person noticed I had turned it on they asked me if I had turned it on, and I said yes, and they said that I shouldn't have because it had some tracking software that would check up on me later. I have no idea what they meant.
My understanding even in that dream-space was that the little electronic toy was a self contained device, which only did was was directed through the button interface, and which did nothing when powered off. So to end any "checking up later" feature it had all I needed to do was to turn off the device. I did so.
But now I think that the other who I saw in that hallway had been sent my way that I would encounter them specifically because I activated that "check up on" procedure. That had I not turned on the device we wouldn't have met, and I wouldn't have had to cause them that additional insult, and distress.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
There was this church I was in, and I was arguing with people about it. They were claiming Christianity to be this perfect thing that appeared in it's entirety all at once and my knowledge told me that it obviously didn't, that it was a final form of various possibly thousands of sects, one that had some kind of uniting potential, but until that uniting happened was just like the others.
If I try to see some way of their perspective making sense it was possibly that uniting force that made it "different" but the answer to that was political if I recall. State sanction changed the balance of power and "over night" the specific form of church became legitimate in roughly the catholic form. I was left with a priest, and he was using an argument from emotion about the written form and how pure it was and how that purity spoke to some important truth about it. I (or I guess it's better to say my perspective) said I bet the left loves to write about that form and talk about it in great detail. Referencing the specific form of writing that academic papers use and saying it's the same thing. That their writing is just as "true" in exactly the same way.
The priest became offended when I pointed to a glowing blue light which appeared between him and me on the glass which separated us, it lit up from the center outwards to various degrees when he spoke, and to me it was apparent that it was correlated to the timbre of his voice which he modulated as he spoke to make certain of his points have more emphasis. I pointed it out and said the problem with you people is you associate truth with this flashing light. I said while mimicking the expanding light's shape with my fingers in front of my mouth. The priest pissed off at the dismissal or rejection slammed closed a wooden door on his side of the glass.
There were some minor details in this scene I glossed over. There had been some kind of puss filled boil on my hand. My thumb I think. and I bit it opening it up and I saw the bit of my flesh fall from my mouth onto the robe of one I had been yelling with. Also specifically calling the church the final form of a family of beliefs. Family being a somehow important word, meant to indicate a specific kind of connection to for example the Jewish faith, but I also am certain I intended to mean that there were other sects which aren't remembered by history from which the current form also draws inspiration.
i don't know what's wrong with me.
there was this church i was in, and i was arguing with people about it. they were claiming christianity to be this perfect thing that appeared in it's entirety all at once and my knowledge told me that it obviously didn't, that it was a final form of various possibly thousands of sects, one that had some kind of uniting potential, but untill that uniteing happened was just like the others.
if i try to see some way of their perspective making sense it was possibly that uniting force that made it "different" but the answer to that was political if i recall. state sanction changed the balance of power and "over night" the specific form of church became legitimate in roughly the catholic form. i was left with a priest, and he was using an argument from emotion about the written form and how pure it was and how that purity spoke to some important trueth about it. and i (or i guess it's better to say my perspective) said i bet the left loves to write about that form and talk about it in great detail. referencing the specific form of writing that acedemic papers use and saying it's the same thing. that their writing is just as "true" in exactly the same way.
the priest became offended when i pointed to a glowing blue light which appeared between him and me on the glass which seperated us, it lit up from the center outwards to various degrees when he spoke, and to me it was apparent that it was correlated to the tembre of his voice which he modulated as he spoke to make certain of his points have more emphasis. i pointed it out and said the problem with you people is you assosiate trueth with this flashing light. i said while mimicing the expanding light's shape with my fingers in front of my mouth. the preist pissed off at the dismisal or rejection slamed closed a wooden door on his side of the glass.
there were some minor details in this scene i glossed over. there had been some kind of puss filled boil on my hand. my thumb i think. and i bit it opening it up and i saw the bit of my flesh fall from my mouth onto the robe of one i had been yelling with. also specificly calling the church the final form of a family of beliefs. family being a somehow important word, meant to indicate a specific kind of conection to for example the jewish faith, but i also am certain i intended to mean that there were other sects which aren't remembered by history from which the current form also draws inspiriation.
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