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#autism - a pattern of willful obstinance

#language - art

#purple - mystery, strangeness, twilight, death

#safe - probably not harmful. Maybe.

#simulacre - we don't interact with the world, but instead with a world in our own mind which is a reflection of the world, and then our actions are manifest from our world back into the world in various ways. Not all of them direct.

HAVING AN IDEA

how to not think polarizewise

having_an_idea[1]

[1] having_an_idea.mp3 [audio]

Having an idea without considering the alternative viewpoints is something of a mystery for me. Maybe it was always this way. It's possible. I am terminally curious and so looking for all kinds of interpretations and viewpoints has been the number one thing I have done for a long time. I think it's possible that when I was younger I would just have ideas without considering all the sides of that idea. At that time it must have been I hadn't reached some critical mass of perspective needed to generate internal hypothetical viewpoints. My autism prevented me from seeing everything that wasn't directly in front of my eyes, but I have been hurt enough times by things unseen that I have learned their sources and can predict when they will arise. Even if I can't know exactly why.

I guess it's a defense mechanism. It protects me.

Because it's an external world generation mechanism it has one horrible blind spot. Myself.

That is to say, I can see something and the underworkings of that thing in enough clarity that I can offer critic, but when it comes to myself it is very difficult to understand or even see my own behavior. I'm sure that if I was another person seeing myself I would easily be able to say this or that about the situation and it'd would be true and helpful.

Maybe I'm just too inside my own head.

Well that's actually pretty obvious.

I don't know if it's something you have noticed, but I have a distaste for definite language.

I first woke up to this while I was serving on my mission. My companion and I had an argument because I was breaking some rule or another. They told me that I should just stop doing it, just say "I won't do it again" and it was impossible for me. I said something like I can't say that, I can only try or endeavor to not do it again because I don't know what the future holds. Something like that. It's not just that I didn't know but I didn't want to bind myself into that reality.

I made a drawing of erupting into flames with the text "Change everything forever? [yes] [no]" that night. Because for me that's exactly what it was. If I opened myself to absolute definite thinking that would irremovable change me forever. And it was an incredibly unpleasant notion. Therefore I had to be something that wasn't concrete in my thinking. I was fluid. One might say "Wishy-washy" if they were being an asshole. Needless to say I didn't buckle on that point. So I guess the one place I can't allow myself to change is in my thinking about things in fluidic terms.

There's more people here than I really ever expected. It's almost like the universe is wanting to prove me wrong. I had this conversation where I told my friend that he park near here was almost always empty on the weekday mornings, and here are all these people. Although we aren't at the park now, so maybe both things are true.

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