💾 Archived View for bluet.flounder.online › february24.gmi captured on 2024-06-20 at 11:54:34. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content
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02292024. good morning flounder
end of february wtffff
might need more botox idk. voice was highly symptomatic on the phones yesterday. but it's like, what if i just deal with how i sound. and repeat myself until i'm understood. ew but i hate it
last time i got botox i couldn't sing for a month and that was dark. however i was also dating a useless exhausting man at the time. maybe it would be better now
difficulty of wakeup today: 3.5/5
i feel weird and out of touch this week
yesterday when D left work i felt abandoned
i think i am going to have a problem with him
monday night we walked around campus for a little while because it was so warm. any time we ended up on a sidewalk he would lead me away from the street side by the waist, $%&#! %$@&. when i hugged him goodbye in the parking lot he picked me up and delivered me to my car. i think he's playing with me. i could have predicted it getting to this point i guess but it happened so slowly and i had bigger problems at the time
anyways
i tried to explain to B the dreadful zoomed-in feeling i got after finishing the mary gaitskill book. he doesn't read so he was like i get that, i feel that way with music sometimes. i was like which music? he was like, "a crow looked at me" by mount eerie makes me sad. yeah that album makes everyone sad dude. it is a breathtakingly sad album. oh well at least he tried to identify
one time we had a randomly warm day and he was like, it was confusing deciding what to listen to today, i didn't know if i should listen to my summer music or my winter music. i was like interesting, do you ever decide what you want to listen to based on your emotions instead of the weather? and he was like sometimes i guess, like when i'm tired i'll listen to music that gets me hyped!
i finished an episode of love is blind yesterday, ***SPOILER ALERT MAYBE IDK I THINK I'M BEHIND MOST PEOPLE ACTUALLY*** it was excruciating watching jimmy and chelsea communicate with their respective rejected partners, it reminded me of a lot of my own conversations. i hate men who can't say what they mean, who claim to not even know what they mean. the best part was when they cut from that horrible conversation between jimmy and jessica to the one between the little guy with the glasses and sarah ann, and the little guy was just like "sarah ann, i think you are great, however i have decided that i want to move forward with the other person" and sarah ann was like ah ok yep, dang it
chelsea kept saying to trevor "i can't give you all of me" girl shut up just tell him you didn't pick him
watching jessica shut jimmy down was a healing experience lol. like really exquisite. i want to read the transcript of that entire scene
ok just got back from movie night with B and actually feel noticeably better about life. brat brain was in control earlier. oh wait it's time for march log. goodnight february
02282024. good morning flounder
just spelled "thursday" for someone over the phone #referencedesk
i love L one reason being that i can email her at 1am and wake up to a reply from 5am
i hope everyone is staying warm today
10 more days (including this one) until i'm in the backseat of my parents' car on the way to chicago, one of my favorite nobrain activities, can't wait to see the nematodes and the new cat and C. possibly M
that reminds me, i had a dream i asked luke to hang out and he said yes and then i didn't hear from him again and we didn't hang out. and i wasn't mad i was just like ok. i'll always kind of feel like i owe him
i finished the mary gaitskill book earlier in a rush. i felt slightly nauseated after like when i read "jillian" by halle butler. the last page had a lot of notes on it from a previous reader which was nice, made it less scary
the @meta ai /imagine function on instagram is crazy
02272024. hey flounder feeling weird
omg hello em and other library people of flounder
alioop there are lots of library positions that don't require the MLIS, most of them are part-time and low paying, like mine, but can be great. probably most of the staff you encounter at any given public library do not have the MLIS, i think. but i also think my library has a weirdly low librarian:non-librarian ratio
it is so cool that you worked at local parks!! that sounds really fun
we have our DEIA-related trainings here and there but they are weak and people don't seem to internalize anything from them, sigh. my library is very white, our service area is quite white, it's hard to imagine anything really changing. i can only hope cooler people get hired over the years
p.s. i am also watching love is blind!!
i had a stressful hour in the passport office earlier which had a lot to do with men showing up for appointments that their wives scheduled. they never know what's going on, husband behavior
today [coworker] asked [coworker] if [coworker] and i are dating
shift ends at 8 plan is to go home start the rice cooker take a shower eat dinner and then work on school for the rest of the night. hopefully i am working by like...9:30 idk
alternatively i go home start the rice cooker go to the gym eat shower no school :)
sigh but E is in town this weekend and i want to be free for her
reading two girls, fat and thin by mary gaitskill, i hate that i like this kind of book, can't explain
02262024. good morning flounder
"are you japanese" "i've seen japanese people on my TV" real things that were said to me this morning. ***sheds***
02252024. at work again i think i need to go to bed
started the day with a challenging phone call. challenging because she was being so demanding about something i couldn't do for her! i looked up the caller by name (bad, creepy) and found out she is a pharmacist and then everything made more since because she probably gets yelled at a lot over the phone about prescriptions that she can't fill or something
short shifts are weird because there's not enough time to restore balance. if you had a bad day you had a bad day. no opportunity for redemption. the redemption will have to take place outside of my workday. i think i can do it
D came by which helped me begin to unknot myself. and going by the restaurant in a bit to see B
02242024. good morning flounder
made my 6am wakeup time. it was worth it because croissant and coffee with G <3
reading a mary gaitskill book. it was scavenged from library recycling by [coworker] and it makes a lot of sense why she would give this to me
last night was B's event, i went with A
A about B: "you know how with some people it's like, i can see the wheels turning in your brain? with him it's like, where are the wheels?" bro....
he actually took it even further and ultimately landed on the metaphor of two cogs grinding together to a stop
speaking of A his parents are visiting tonight and i kind of don't want to be present for that but i probably will
i kept waking up last night into a hazy feeling of anger about [recent ex] ew. bonk
at work until 5 i hope something nice happens today
a question i have for the old men who are like "you gotta speak up i am hard of hearing and i am not wearing my hearing aids" is did you maybe think about wearing your hearing aids like just in case you encountered someone who wasn't capable of YELLING at you idk maybe next time wear your hearing aids that you know you need just in case someone has a disability that keeps them from being able to compensate for yours and now we're both mad hm
02232024. good morning flounder
at the cafe
02222024. good morning flounder
alioop!
yes i would recommend working at a library. although experiences can really vary library to library. i had a pretty bad time at my last library but working at my current library made me decide to go for my MLIS
i work with several former teachers here and they are great :) a few of them were specifically english teachers. school librarianship seems awesome (i'm in a public library)
i love that you + baby are having fun at library programs <3 please keep us updated on your library dream
something frustrating:
yesterday a chinese patron came up to the desk clearly asking for [passport form]. [senior librarian] handed her [wrong passport form]. the patron is like, i have questions. the librarian is like, everything you need to know is on the form. the patron is like, what do i need to bring? librarian is like, everything is on the form. bruh i had to get up and walk around and introduce myself as a passport agent and bring her to my desk (why the librarian didn't think to refer the patron to me in the first place? sigh). got her the right form and the conversation ended up taking several minutes because the woman needed help which is like. our job. some people spontaneously stop doing it though (like when the patron is a non-native english speaker *scream*). imagine, that woman almost walked into the library only to be misinformed and dismissed
coworkers often fail to refer patrons to me who should be referred to me. to me it is obvious why but these coworkers would die before they consider the biases that affect how they do their job
and then there is the coworker who is freaked out by men of color who speak fast/loud/expressively. a few times this week he referred patrons to me and warned me that they "seemed agitated," and every time these people were acting completely normal. this is a problem because [coworker] is much more likely to file incident reports about people who are not dangerous/concerning and should not be ID'd or in our system at all. michael you are agitated and somehow it is everyone's problem
02212024. hey flounder
alioop i received your paper crane and i have thoughts <3 will respond soon
so tired today
whatever itch is scratched when i cyberstalk. i wish i could figure it out so i could channel the urge in other ways. if i could redirect my cyberstalking energy i could be great
working here is crazy because i was just asked if i am a student at [local HIGH SCHOOL] and within the same hour was told i was an angel sent from heaven
02202024. good morning flounder
i drankies last night
there was one time i didn't drink for a year because i thought it was harming my voice but ever since i found out it was actually a neurological voice disorder i have been like yolo
the thing is though alcohol is still bad for the voice it's just not the reason my voice is as bad as it is
anyways i probably drank too much last night and it's probably why voice is weak today
there are different kinds of bad voice
there's low voice with breaks. this is healthy disordered voice
there's high voice with hoarseness. this is alcohol/normal fatigue/whatever
A has started doing something funny. like last night i had a random coughing fit, i was like, wtf is in my throat right now? he was like, probably your voice disorder. i'm not conveying the tone accurately but it's in a funny bully way that i actually appreciate
i have a long day at work today. i will survive with hot water and gabbing
5:00pm. having a weirdly emotional workday but not in a bad way. i love to be emotional
talked to the new guy yesterday, i recognized his discomfort, made me think about how long i've been here (not that long but long for me)
last night was fun btw
02192024. good morning flounder
did not breakfast :( wish i was home
nvm i recovered some life force
02182024. hello flounder
i just had a customer service experience so bad it inspired me to be better at my job because i would hate to ruin someone's day/night in the same way lol
02172024. hey flounder
i recently remembered that i love a london fog
B and i did valentine's day last night. it was nice
i parked further than necessary from the coffee shop today to build in a little walk. time to walk back now
logging off. my neck feels weird. it was an ok day, the kind that makes me think oh, i can see how entire years can pass in the same place. it's not a particularly positive or negative feeling
02142024. good morning flounder
it's been a while since i read old journals i might do that today
A was being a really good friend last night, he always is but especially then
yesterday was emotionally burdensome, in ways that were hard for me to discern at first
i think because the people i was confiding in were walking this weird line of understanding / being assholes?? hard to explain
i confided in a coworker about the weird behavior of a couple attendees of [event] and the coworker suggested DISCONTINUING THE EVENT
i have other problems with this coworker, there have been times when i've watched them not help someone / turn them away when they could've easily helped them / asked someone else
anyways this person obviously doesn't understand WHY i organize [event], because they would never try organizing something like it themselves. their dream is to work in the department that does not talk to people
there was other stuff too
someone received a punishment that i don't think they deserved, and other people do not seem concerned about it
after work i had class with the professor who took 10% off a discussion post grade because of an "&" that should've been "and." the way she speaks, looks and acts reminds me of people i have interacted with who were on meth
when i finally got home my bad mood had reached hopeless levels, i started telling A about my day and realized i was about to cry so i had dinner and fell asleep on the couch. i woke up we had second dinner and then i slept for real. now i am here
a bright spot, hearing from D yesterday
heading out for the day but i'll be in the area for the next few hours, let me know if ya need to talk or anything
a concern i have is that i am his crisis friend / friend-in-crisis, like a friendship that makes him feel like a good person. i worry about being a straight man's woman friend who they think of / refer to as like, oh yeah that's [], she's a mess, that's the homie though! etc.
like i don't want him to feel bad for me
another bad moodlet was remembering [careless ex]. i finally removed+unfollowed on all socials. i could block his number too just 4 fun
i also just miss G. i haven't seen them in a long time
men were trying on instagram yesterday with the vday posts but none of them convinced me of their love for their girlfriends. good effort though not really
i asked a coworker if he and his wife were doing anything for valentine's day and he said "we don't celebrate corporate holidays" and i wanted to roll my eyes into space. shut up. this is the coworker who for months would just refer to his wife as "wife" anytime she came up in conversation. when i ran into them downtown one day i realized i didn't even know her name despite how much i'd heard about her. i asked her if it was her preference to be referred to as "wife" and she was confused and was like, no. i maybe should not have asked. as i type this i cannot remember her name. it might be jenny
thinking about alypius again
02142024. happy valentine's day flounder
reading about lens flares because i heard a moment in a song that sounded like a lens flare
When a bright light source is shining on the lens but not in its field of view, lens flare appears as a haze that washes out the image and reduces contrast.
celebrating valentine's day by listening through the only album that is really about love, lush by snail mail
today was so long i wanted to cry
02132024. good morning flounder
i went home yesterday at 11 because [weirdo] was being weird :(
doing better
something shifted in the afternoon. i had a good appointment with a family, then lunch break with D. yeah he gets an initial for now
people have been checking in about the situation, which i appreciate, but i'm also like, why do you know about this
02122024. good morning flounder
work is off to an extremely off-putting and unsafe start and i might go home we'll see
02112024. hey flounder
D got here on friday, right as doors opened for [event], so it was a big day to be me
open mic went better than i could've hoped, my voice was there, A was there, so was B, and like a bunch of other cool people, i think we finally struck the right tone for once, and i think this success had a lot to do with the absence of the local writers guild, they are old, usually arrogant, and only read extremely old poems from their old self-published books
anyways that space was filled with much sweeping goodness, i was happy and i could feel that other people were too
D left this morning, since then i have been cooking, cleaning, groceries, floor nap, and school just now. have a zoom with a classmate in half an hour hope that goes well
weekend with D was so fun, completely irreplicable, for so many reasons. good job me for doing all my school for the week in three days so that i could be a dirtbag for two
02092024. good morning flounder
i complained to A about the overactive listener i encountered yesterday and he told me it was a me problem and that she was doing the right thing
today is the day i host the event and i cannot keep still, my left hand has a tremor today, but that may be strain from holding my big ass phone (i gave up my iphone 8 and inherited mom's iphone 12 (?) it is large and hard on the wrist to hold up in bed, not compatible with my lifestyle)
02082024. hey flounder—
(once again to type an em dash on a chromebook it is hold down ctrl+shift+u then type 2014 then space i keep mixing it up with the windows shortcut which is hold down alt then type 0151)
crazy dream!!!
i was on a date with someone whose appearance kept shifting between [recent ex] and [cross between roommate's little brothers LOL] aka sometimes he was a white ginger man and sometimes a brown ponytail man. i was rushing across some college campus to get to him. i think we walked around a food court idk. i was holding onto his arm. then i was by myself again and i opened tinder. [friend] was also logged into my tinder for some reason, with my permission, and i saw that she had been messaging the transformer man from my profile, but as herself. i was really upset by this, i confronted the man about it and he said: "i guess it's easier to do whatever you want online" this upset me even more, i repeated the line to some other people like, CAN YOU BELIEVE HE SAID THIS?! then i decided to just date [] instead
these two women are having a meeting behind me, one of them is a student, a sophomore in journalism, the other is some kind of liaison, at CASA i think, and the student is going "MHM" "YEP" "YEAH" "MHM" like every three words that comes out of the other woman's mouth. girl she hasn't even expressed the concept yet. please adjust your active listening settings
02072024. good morning flounder
hey alioop i'm sorry you're having a hard time :( crying in response to "how are you doing" is so real. i was recently reading the literature (google searching) on "how are you" and found some alternatives that i think are nice to think about:
not that i am anti-howareyou at all, i like the openness of the question. anyways i send a hug, i hope sleep gets easier soon
listening to ariana grande for some reason. the precision of her vocal placement is really astonishing, the girl is a machine. i wish i had her programming
i am finding that i have a better day when i am nicer to people...lol
working on "closure" in my work interactions aka saying stuff like
etc.
the literature says this is good library behavior but i don't think everyone appreciates it, i think sometimes they want you to chill out
last night an important printer wasn't working and i was the first person to use it today so i sent an email to everyone that said "the printer seems functional" and the coworker next to me read it and asked, "so is it working?" i said yes. the coworker then replied all to my email with: "the printer is working" i guess my language is not doing the job in this environment
had lunch with [coworker i love] which has left me a little heartopen which makes me less effective overall so trying to reorient lol
02062024. good afternoon flounder
the two women who just came up to the desk asking about the nearest arby's. we looked at a map together and i printed them directions. they said, "the library does it all" and left delighted. my greatest professional success to date
mid day shlump
i can feel when it's setting in. it set in today around 2. that's ok, lunch in 1 hour 20 mins
i started the day with a training that ended early so i walked in circles around the little enclosed outdoor staff area. it is sunny and nice today, not sure why i was the only person out there
[coworker] just witnessed [coworker] doing something sickening and doesn't want to report it but it's really bad
[coworker] may have heard me complaining to [coworker] about the potency of his cologne. i think the solution is just to complain to his face tomorrow so as not to seem shady
i am tired of synthesizing information
02052024. flounder—
the good day was saturday
woke up rested, spent a couple hours writing/researching, visited the record store with mom, brought takeout home, went to campus with dad, the power was out so that was annoying but we recovered, he dropped me off at [library], they closed so i migrated to [coffee shop], it was mostly populated with high schoolers, boo, weird
ordered pizza at home then finished + submitted paper. sang and stayed up too late! A picked me up the next day around noon, i asked how the weekend went for him which sparked an interesting fight between A and his little brother, then i fell asleep
rotted for most of sunday oh well. a text i appreciated from N:
insanely humiliating experience but hey that's life. GOOD NIGHT
learned about "surface acting" and "deep acting" i do both all day every day on the clock off the clock
i think it would be interested to shave head again but do not feel called yet
did not go to [] tonight, good job
02032024. flounder—
good morning
another thing A's little brother said in the car yesterday was "i don't think i've ever truly tried at school. like i've never just like, locked the fuck in and been like, ok, let's work on this for three hours" LOL
anyways it's time to lock the fuck in and work on this for three hours. good luck to everyone on their todos today
i want to play pinegrove "&" for the professor who docked points for an ampersand
had a good day want to tell you about it but am singing now
02022024. flounder
on the road with A and his little brother
just read "The paradox of Alypius and the pursuit of unwanted information"
i feel connected to alypius and also pandora
we got to [hometown] around 2. i schooled and the we dinnered (BIG SOUP) and i've been schooling and singing since we got back. happy to be [here] and not [there]
tonight i sang the song about kirksville. i always forget about that one. also: frank ocean self control, lauryn hill doo wop (that thing), jazmine sullivan stupid girl. i like singing that one especially "which one are YOU? / because i know who I AM / you have to CHOOSE / to use your head or be a STUPID GIRL" jazmine did not bother to be artful here she said these stupid girls need clarity
the devastating thing is that B brought me two big boxes of beautiful pastries yesterday and i was so excited to share them with my parents. guess what i left them in the fridge
C did that thing where they screenshot part of an email from me and then edit it into a cinematic instagram story post. i love when they do that. whenever i say something that makes them happy it feels like i won the lottery
i am feeling more settled today than i have all week
i hope i can focus tomorrow. that would be really cool. then i could enjoy the drive home. i had my laptop open in the passenger seat on the way here. A said to his little brother, [bluet] is working on a discussion post, maybe you should get in on that (A's little brother is famous for failing classes). little brother said, no, i want to enjoy the drive home, it's the best part <3
goodnight
oh, before i go! to type an em dash on a chromebook you press ctrl+shift+u, then let go. an underlined u appears. then you type the code: 2014. then hit the space bar. like this
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02012024. flounder,
i am still awake, which is stupid. rewarding/soothing myself by starting my february log even though i have not exited this day
there are 29 days in february this year
alice sparkly kat horoscopes just dropped
Questions for Cancer for February 2024:
What do you feel before you give?
What do you feel after you give?
Why do you give?
good morning flounder for real this time
i am feeling soothed by my decision to return to [hometown] this weekend, to see mom before she leaves for [home country]. this means i won't make it to the Event on friday, which would've been spiritually damaging anyways. the invite from [] was cute though, i need to text her
there are insane things happening in my work inbox that i don't even want to tell anyone about because i think they might have to file reports about it and i don't want to be report girl. men are allergic to being normal
i just learned how to type an em dash on windows. you hold down the alt key and then type 0151 on the numeric keypad
perfect day with []