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More often than not, my wife shouts at me whenever she thinks I do something wrong, or in a way she did not expect. On one ocasion, I was shouted in front of her friends because our kid got hurt while I was playing with their kids. I am also usually shouted or criticised by her in front of relatives and friends. Today, she shouted at me because I did not approve her complaints about my increase phone usage since I was literally forced to use WhatsApp. When I get tired of this, I usually lay on the bed (where I sleep alone), as I am doing now.
I am sorry for posting this here. This is the only safe space I know where I feel comfortable.
Jun 10 · 6 days ago · 🙁 1
📡 Queen_City_Nerd · Jun 10 at 15:37:
If psychics were real, they'd all be wealthy from having won the lotto. You can't read each other minds and you need to have a conversation about that. Good luck.
I find gemini and gopher space a good safe space to post about our emotional turmoil and trauma. I feel 'safer' to post on these platform and a very healing practice at the same time. I'm at the end of a relationship where my wife has been blaming me for everything that was wrong in her life. Projecting all of her trauma unto me, and playing the victim for all these years. It's been a challenge but I wanted to give it a try so that I can be close to my daughter and offer a stable home for her. But it got a bit too toxic lately, and we're now seprating. It's very challenging, and if you don't have kids yet, I'd advice to run away from this abusive relationship.
That's an awful spot to be put on. Hopefully you can talk about it an be heard. Best of luck.
🎵 xavi [OP] · Jun 10 at 15:51:
@daruma: things got significantly worse since we had our kid and bought our house. I would have not hesitated for a second were the conditions easier.
Actually, on many ocasions I get shouted by her because I am apparently blamed for the kid's behaviour whenever he is nervous.
@xavi well you're in for the long run. For me, I use meditation to calm myself. You can't get out of the situation right away but you can learn to live with it for a certain amount of time. My techniques has been to try to see what my wife complains about. Tell her I am trying to change and tell her when I do change some of my behavior. When she jump on another thing I'm not doing, I calmly told her, 'Yes I can do that too now, but I am unsure that it will make you content' and then again and again and again. My ex-wife has been complaining for over 10 years, there is always something new to fix, change, become better, while for her she is fine and nother to change.
😎 flipperzero · Jun 10 at 16:17:
Blamed for the kids' behavior whenever he's nervous? OK, nah, i'm sorry i'd love to retain as much composure as I can BUT when the subject involves putting a vindictive blame over the way BOTH of yours' kid is turning on one over the other? Pardon me for my brazen uncontained blunt response: THIS B%*$# is SCREAMING any time there's something she doesn't like, that's why the kid is nervous and acting out! Not the dude struggling to KEEP CHICK CALM, while she's FREAKING TF OUT?!?! My bad, sorry to burst out like this myself, but I have family that act this EXACT same f@$*in way and that level of lack of self-awareness gets draining.
😎 flipperzero · Jun 10 at 16:20:
Bottom line is, you need to somehow find a way to sit down with her one-on-one, talking one at a time (so y'all don't interrupt eachother), bringing up your grievances and how to resolve it and reconcile if you wish to keep this stable and working. Otherwise? Staying in something like that, for the sake of your kid, will NOT help your kid if it's happening too much, affecting your happiness, and keeping her from keeping a level head for him and YOU. YOU also matter in this equation, yes, and you need to take initiative to stand up for yourself in this manner as YOU are the guy taking care of both of THEM. Take a stand, don't let yourself be run over like this. We all deserve love
😎 flipperzero · Jun 10 at 16:23:
NGL it seems like when it gets to this level, this is the last i'll add btw, that if it's hard for both parties to resolve past their personal hangups then requires probably a mediator like a couples counselor to contextualize and bridge everything, 'cause IDFK man i guess humans can not only be selfish, but blinded in their own rhetoric SO much, they become inconsiderate and self-absorbed ASF TOO ok enough of me dumping from my own trauma ahaha.
I hope any of this has been helpful, my bad again for my own ranting, I really hope I haven't made your predicament any harder to process at least. Good luck, god speed, and stay blessed.
🎵 xavi [OP] · Jun 10 at 19:42:
Thank you all for the warming (and passoniate) feedback. Today has been a horrible day, mostly feeling depressed and doing almost nothing except from some (horrible) cooking. Only the kid could make me smile for a few moments during the afternoon.
I have just talked to her about the situation today. She insists that the complaints today were not about my increased phone usage, but sadly I cannot really trust her. Anyhow, I am sure she could have used much better language and therefore avoided this silly situation. She also suggested I overreacted, but honestly speaking it drains my whole energy everytime she shouts at me.
Hey, that does not sound good. Have you tried to, in a very non-confrontational way, let her know that it hurts your feelings? Habits are hard to break, but sometimes simply asking for something helps. Just make sure your timing is good (wait until things are calm and friendly, so it does not escalate)...
🎵 xavi [OP] · Jun 10 at 20:11:
@stack: yes, this has been already discussed many times. Sometimes she understands, sometimes she does not. For a long time now, I begin to spot a pattern there: we might have a few (usually, less than four) "good" days in a row, but then over two or three "bad" weeks.
Sadly, I tend to see that having a more aggressive attitude myself (i.e., telling her that I am sick and tired of it and/or telling things I dislike from her) seems to revert things a bit, despite the inevitable fighting. But it's just sad that only *this* seems to help, even if only a tiny little bit. I wish it were not like this.
— https://archive.org/details/the-gentle-art-of-verbal-self-d-suzette-haden-elgin
Really, really read "The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense", and look for her other books. They offer practical ways of gently disabling common verbal attack patterns.
This book literally changed my life. Including realizing when I am the aggressor!
Sounds like an abusive behaviour by her and this must be stopped for your sanity. Tell her how you feel about that. You need to talk each other without the kid and other people listening. And you need to relight the flame as a couple, not as parents.
🚲 CitySlicker · Jun 12 at 01:42:
@stack thanks for the book recommendation. I think I really need something like that. I find myself trying to be disarming, but I can also can say something that is subtly aggressive or so and make things worse
Known some people who do the kind of horrible behavior who are secretly hoping for things to escalate to physical confrontation because deep inside they want to be forcefully dominated.
Humans are complicated: you don’t know what strange things people are carrying from their childhood and past abuse.
Maybe the answer is to just find a way to be *far* more assertive than you are being.
Whether you remain in the relationship or not, you have a kid, which means you are going to have this person in your life for the next 20 years. Rolling over and accepting her behavior isn’t going to help you once courts get involved.
Pray you find a solution and learn what’s really behind this behavior.
These books should be mandatory in school! All those times I felt terrible, not understanding why conversations turned against me! Some people have a natural ability to verbally bully, and are praised for their 'charisma' or 'leadership abilities'. Some ruin lives of a handful of people around them, others become politicians and work on a bigger scale. It is absolutely important to recognize foul play as early as possible, and takes steps to defend yourselves (if you must be near them)
🐐 Steve_Dracula · Jun 13 at 22:52:
Bite her face to establish dominance. (Note: do not actually do this. It makes wives cranky.)
@Steve_Dracula accurate username.