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I empathize with your story, ~kai.

I'm 40 now, but when I was growing up, I moved almost every two years to somewhere new because my father was in the military. I could never put down roots anywhere, and I learned early on that making friends was pointless because I would inevitably have to say goodbye forever in a very short time.

The only constants for me were my immediate family and my schooling. I ended up focusing most of my energy on school and excelled at all of my classes. However, I didn't really have much of a life outside of school. I just read and spent time alone. In the end, I graduated from high school with honors, but I felt empty inside. I had mastered the game of school, but I came to realize that those accomplishments were only meaningful to me and my ego. If I didn't use my life to make some kind of difference in the world, then I wasn't doing much except consuming resources and taking up space.

This existential crisis led me into a long depression that lasted for about 18 months. In that time, I read philosophy, learned about alternative religious/spiritual paths, and spent a lot of time sitting outside in nature, contemplating birds, trees, clouds, and stars. I finally dragged my butt to go speak with a therapist on campus at my university, and she gave me a book on cognitive behavioral therapy. That really helped to jump start a new way of thinking for me, and by the end of my freshman year, I had made the decision to transfer schools to the opposite side of the country and start fresh with a new perspective on what I would need to study in order to be able to make a difference in the world after all.

Many years later, I graduated with multiple college degrees, including a Ph.D. I had made a great many friends and shared meaningful experiences with them. I had participated in activism around the issues that concerned me. I was able to explore my sexuality and come out to my family and friends. And I eventually built an off-grid homestead in the mountains with my partner, where I live and work today. I really did find a place where I felt like I belonged and could put down roots.

Your story will be different than mine as everyone's life is different in so many ways. But what I would want to share with a younger version of myself when I was feeling depressed and adrift in my teens is this: Life has meaning when you give it meaning.

Life has meaning when you give it meaning.

You can't control everything and everyone around you, but throughout your life you will be presented with options and choices. What you choose at these decision points will shape who you become and how your life plays out. Recognize that however much you've learned about the world, the amount that there is to learn and experience is truly vast by comparison. Let that bring you some humility in the present moment and also inspire you to seek and discover more each season. You have the power to chart your own course though sometimes the weather will push you off it. Just keep learning, growing, and steering your way forward toward your goals. That is how you give meaning to your life.

All the best on your journey.

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~kai wrote (thread):

Thank you

That's profound. I've had trouble giving myself purpose because my relationship with religion is interesting...What I mean is I look at religion as something that divides society rather than unites it. I'm not going to deny that relgion has progressed the world in so many way. It's also made people kill and hurt and been used as a tool for discrimination. All in the name of religion. It seems to me like it tries to give straightfoward answers to a nonsense world, like a guide to a mismatched puzzle. It just doesn't work for me. That's just me though. What I have been trying to do to give myself purpose is love and help the next man. Isn't that sorta like religion