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⬅️ Previous capture (2021-11-30)
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A few years back someone on the internet said his dog thought July 4 was "scary boom boom nightmare day" and the name stuck for me. The cats do not enjoy fireworks, either.
Kinda in a funk. I think it's a hormonal balance thing. But just because it's hormonal doesn't mean it's not real. In fact it makes it worse, because you can imagine someone saying, "It's just hormones, suck it up and get over it." But if that were easy, I already would have done it. The fact that I can't just means I'm a double loser. Now I feel worse, AND I feel compelled to hide it so people won't know I am a failure because I can't maintain efficiency all the time. Sometimes I just get sad and all the tiny problems get magnified into large ones. Sometimes I get tired of climbing the perpetual mountain, and I can't remember why I was bothering. I guess this is when a normal person would talk to friends, but honestly, after my friend died of cancer and my other local friends didn't want to deal with me when I was grieving, I stopped thinking of "friendships" as things that supposedly help in low times. I don't maintain friendship connections any more, not out of bitterness, but it's unrealistic to expect more than fair weather acquaintanceship from others. And if it's just a fair weather thing, why bother maintaining the connection. So I don't find "friends" comforting, or have an urge to reach out when I am low. "Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone." That has definitely been my experience. Shoot, the only person who maintained connection with me when I was grieving was spouse. I know he's tested and good for all seasons, that's why I am so ridiculously into him. If you have one solid person in your life, you can get by. Doesn't mean you won't get bummed out from time to time, though. You can feel it, recognize it, experience it, recover. Like, it just is. Like high tide or rainy days. It passes when it passes.
Anyway, I'm trying to not be irritated with myself because I am struggling with motivation. In the past I have flagellated myself and I know it doesn't help. Speaking of fair weather friends, if your own internal voice turns on you in a low period, that's problem #1. Sometimes the hardest thing is to be a good friend to yourself.
I have a couple other things I want to post but I don't really have the energy to finish them right now.
The short version is I feel like I should be making as much as I can myself, instead of buying convenient ready made options. I have been noticing a lot of take-take-take, especially in american culture and history. For lack of a better way to describe it, it's a colonizer attitude and it's been ruining things (at the expense of the poorest for the benefit of the richest) for hundreds of years. When everyone prioritizes what they can consume as quickly and cheaply as possible without regard to ethics or kindness, well, we end up exactly where we are now. And then, because we haven't invested in skills/tools to make items ourselves, not only are we denying ourselves the real satisfaction of accomplishment, but we become dependent on consuming "convenience". Clothing, easy example. Also the current Internet. Supply chains.
I feel like the more I can wean myself off "convenience", the more mentally healthy I will be, and a better citizen of the world, too. I want to be a maker, not a taker. (Obvs this has practical limits - I cannot make my own stainless steel tumblers or USB cables. But the point is, what things I can do, I should.)
So I've been thinking about that, and what that looks like. Part of that is figuring out a spiritual practice. I've been wanting to go to a local unitarian church for a while, but they are still offline for covid. Maybe I should just make up my own shit - I mean, why do I need strangers to rubberstamp my spirituality? It's all wimbly-wombly woo woo anyway. Everything got made up by someone at some point. It's not like Harry Potter, where if you know if you're praying right because the candle lights up. Plus, it's not like I'd get heavily involved in any church anyway. In my experience, you listen to a lecture, you mention the weather is nice to someone and you go home. Nobody asks you what your deep thoughts are. Plus I don't really have the means to attend retreats or special events. There's a paywall for everything, even spirituality.
Fine, I'll make up my own spiritual practice, with blackjack and hookers.
So I've been focusing on creation and making stuff. Generally there is an element of sacrifice in religion. You make an offering in gratitude. It's not about what "the universe" can do for you. You give, you don't take-take-take.
I've started taking 15+ minutes in the morning to make a little sketch, and then I crumple it up and burn it in this crappy pottery dish I made in jr high and have somehow not thrown away. No pictures of the sketch, just burn it. The point is to focus on creation. Maybe I'll dry some of the herbs I've been growing and burn a little bit at the same time. The point is, it is a little sacrifice of my own creativity and efforts. I am a maker. The more I make, the better life will be.