💾 Archived View for deathbyindierock.cities.yesterweb.org › gemlog › 2023-12-21.gmi captured on 2024-06-16 at 12:35:37. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content
⬅️ Previous capture (2023-12-28)
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meow hiiiii
TW dumping about being depressed, lonely and struggling to eat
i have been so lonely recently
i came out as trans(fem) a couple months ago basically at the same time i started hrt.
things in my life have been unfortunatly hectic since coming out and i feel like i lost a lot of my support network.
i lost my partner (a relationship that probably wouldve had a slower, longer, drawn out death if i hadn't blundered so horribly), and i lost my job around the same time. my band is breaking up
but things are not all bad! properly embracing my identity as a transwoman has opened up a lot more doors for me than it has shut
at least that's how it feels right now. ive made so many new friends these past few months! ive gone on a couple dates too.
but then why do i feel more lonely than ever
most of my days this week have involved waking up around noon, realizing i have no food in the house, nothing i have to do that day, nothing i want to do, no one texting me back
and i just go back to sleep. and i sleep until like 5pm. and i wake up and i make a pb and j or oatmeal or whatever i can scrounge (because i am too depressed and underfed to grocery shop) and then i hop on my computer or my phone
my room is really fucking cold. i just moved into a new apartment and its so cold. the commmon areas are warm but my room is freezing
ive been smoking a lot of weed, mostly by myself. its something to do, it kills time, and almost always brightens my mood.
but i wish there were other ways to combat seasonal depression (idk like eating food, drinking water, waking up while the sun is still out, going for walks, getting exercise, seeing friends ....)
i feel like no one in my life has time for me, at least in the way i think i need. i dont have anything going on
i am constantly trying to socialize with other people but i always feel like they're just not interested in talking to me
but i know i deserve someone who wants to talk to me, who respects my time and my feelings. im not entitled to it. but i shouldn't let people walk all over me.
meow
i like gemini
its a nice place for long form low pressure word vomits
hi, my name is maxine, and i exist. i am here. i am not going anywhere.
thats what i get most out of the internet. i get to interact with my hypothetical (but practically non existent) audience by just typing on my computer
i get to feel productive and creative and like im working through my shit but im just thinking out loud in public.
i know there are reccuring themes throughout my writing, and i cant help it because i am the same girl who wrote that other stuff, and i dont remember what ive already wrote lol. hopefully i can say whatever it is more eloquantly this time
im not going to stop writing until i get some catharsis out of this whole thing. im so fucking hungry and i still wanna smoke weed because ugh its something to do
its such a good anti depressant its actually so fucked
people have told me im confusing. i dont know if it's because im high a lot.
i dont wanna be confusing i try very hard to be as transparent as possible, but i think people misinterpret that somehow.
i dont mind spilling my guts for you hypothetical-but-probably-non-existant audience!
ive said before but, my life is my work, a performance, an art piece to be disected, to find yourself in, to feel less alone
at least thats what is is for me.
i have things that need to be done but it's the same old exexcutive dysfunction story. maybe i will to those things this time
ive been writing to do lists and using them as my mouse pad. I wrote this one in BIG sharpie with small things broken down but i still don't think it's going to help.
its fucking horrific how quickly your life can change. its fucking horrific how it's my fault. its even more horrific when it's not.
there are so many people who i still love who are not in my life. people i love irresposibly. people who will break my heart again if i let them. and i would let them.
i wanna love so bad
i think im done. i feel so hungry even if i had more to say i need to find something to eat. another pb and j queen?