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I think of all these ideas for a gemlog when I'm commuting and walking around and then when I go to sit, I draw a blank. It's like when I used to go to the music store to buy a couple CDs and I'd walk through the door and completely forget what it was I was going to get. I know there's a name for this but I'm too lazy to look it up.
But I do remember now.
Today is my first day off after 11 straight days of work. My work makes me do this fairly regularly, and even though I found it tough when I was younger, being older and having to work these long hours takes its toll, especially now that I'm middle-aged and have two small kids. You see, the work doesn't end when I leave work because I still have to do all the stuff with my kids. It's not that I don't enjoy being around them, it's just I'm not exactly sitting on the couch zoning out on Netflix until its time to go to bed. When I was younger and I was nearing the end of a long week, I would simply go home, change, and do something fun: indoor rock climbing, jogging/running, coding, or riding my bike. Now, however, my day doesn't end until about 30-45 minutes before it's time I should go to bed for a good night's sleep. And these days, you don't mess with the sleep schedule because it just makes it worse.
I realized this week that these work weeks make me perceive things in a bad way:- because I'm such a task-oriented worker, I see everything as a checkbox...simply something that has to get done, and what is happening is that this outlook is not turning off; my "workmode" starts overflowing to my personal life so that I don't really see my kids or my spouse, it's more tasks to be done with/for them. Things like getting them from child care services, making dinner, feeding them, packing the next day lunches, cleaning up dinner, cleaning the house. All these things are literally neverending and it's really gotten to my psyche/mental health, so much so that it became an issue with my SO this past week. I came home so incredibly tired that my spouse thought I was upset or mad, but I was just utterly drained and only seeing more tasks to complete at home. I wasn't happy or unhappy, just...in work mode. We eventually resolved it, but it made me realize that I need to force myself out of work mode, that it's okay that tasks go unfinished and that I enjoy the fleeting moments of the younger years of my children - I know I'll miss them. So, starting yesterday I've been trying to see the people and not the tasks - to get out of "work mode" and into "family mode". I know this is easier said than done, but the first step is realization.
It also got me thinking about work and life in general. I'm one that needs to see things through, to see them done and done well, and sometimes (actually a lot these days) giving your best is just not enough. You see, most of my younger, single life, there was nothing I couldn't accomplish if I didn't just buckle down hard enough and push through it. Study longer, work harder, think more on something, ponder it for a while - I was always successful. But now, there are things that no matter how hard I try, my best is just not good enough... and let me tell you that's an odd feeling to feel. Now, however, my job is to know when something is good enough and to say "it's okay that xxx is staring me in the face, but I'm going to leave it alone". This can be laundry, dishes, what-have-you. I now stop, realize it's bothering me, and say it's okay.
It's okay.
You know why it's okay? Because people and relationships are more important. I had a thought this week about the anecdote of what most people say on their deathbeds: that they should have spent more time with people. Unless you really love your job (and I believe some reading this may actually do), what is it that you'll look back on your life that you enjoyed? That you mentally burned yourself out for 35+ years at a job? For what? It's the people at my work that matter - the ones that I can help. It's my kids, my spouse, and my family that matter. It's hard to realize these things, when growing up your entire existence consists of getting good marks at school and being an achiever, being productive, and not letting your teachers and your coaches or bosses down. Be successful. Keep pushing. Do more. I say this is the wrong messaging - it needs to be balanced. Not everyone NEEDS to be a CEO. Not everyone would do well as a manager. THAT's OKAY. A comfortable life FOR YOU should be the goal, not one that includes lots of "success" and money. If you're okay being a worker bee or a high-level non-managerial expert on something, do that. It's fine...live your life how you want.
Now I know the leftists around here might be thinking: yeah this is totally a capitalist issue, and it probably is. I'm not going to discuss the merits or downfalls of either, but I think you get my gist: do what makes you happy, and don't get fooled into thinking that success at work is the only source of "happy"... there's more out there. Code a project for 10 hours, ride a bike, talk to your family. Just be happy. (side note: I know there's no "true" capitalism, but allow me some liberty here).
So that's my rant. I've learned that I need to take some more time off when when I'm staring down a long work week. I have this thing where I don't want to leave for fear of something failing, but it won't. My mental well-being is way more important.
TL;DR: Make sure you make time for self-care, and don't let tasks/work blind you to the things that should really make you enjoy life for life.
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2023-02-10
Tags: life, work, self-care, burn-out
Gritty
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