š¾ Archived View for bugleague.flounder.online āŗ journol āŗ day2day.gmi captured on 2024-06-16 at 12:22:07. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content
ā¬ ļø Previous capture (2023-05-24)
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May 9
After approximately 72 hours uninterrupted on th computer, Iāve finished my coding project and written my last report. I have to go to class today. And then i have one more exam to do. I canāt feel the relief yet. I wonāt let myself. My skin is bad. I havenāt been sleeping. My hair is greasy. And Iām in the office today because i was too nervous to ask off work. I just have a little more to go and then itās on to the next part. I make rules for myself, and i have to follow them or else i get upset. I donāt like doing things that donāt make sense, but my rules make sense to me. Today the rule i am following is that Iām not allowed to compare myself to others because I am not a fair judge (biased against myself). Sometimes someone asks me to break one of my unwritten rules and i react in a way that probably doesnāt make sense. Anyways. I donāt like that i have to work in an office. I donāt like being here or the costume i gotta put on. The woman at the cubicle next to me is so annoying. Some people i am convinced are giving me stink eye every time they walk by, which for some reason is every 90 seconds. Itās overstimulating here. But i do so love it when they give me money. Money money money. Love that stuff. Doesnāt make me feel ill, not even a little. Thinking this morning about all the people i love. Yesterday i ate lunch by a pond at slu and it was maybe my best memory of being on that campus. I do not like it there either. There is a through-line there that Iām choosing not to pursue. The koi and a turtle and two ducks and two baby ducklings and three robins all came by to check out what i was up to. I fed the turtle from my hand. I miss my turtle. I wish that instead of working, which i am apparently good at, i could spend the rest of my life sitting around and noticing things with my friends and looking at plants and animals. I have an idea about my future. But Iām not ready to share it yet. Sometimes if you put words to a thing it loses its magic. And i love magic. I think i am making the right choices but itās hard to know. I donāt know if there really is such a thing as the right choice. Shit just happens. Iām parting my hair in a different way but i think thatās mostly because itās a little greasy. I wish my bike hadnāt been stolen. Iām spending too much money on food because i donāt want to cook for myself and i moved to a place where all the places i can walk to cost more money than i want to be spending. I donāt like driving. I really donāt like driving. Iām excited about the idea of doing something Iāve never done before. We will see how it pans out for me. Thatās enough for now. Think nice thoughts. Love you.
May 4
I need to get some new gadgets. It will have to wait until i move but i want to digitize some tapes. I have a couple funny ideas for what would essentially blackout poetry in video form. Maybe Iāll start with my āHow To Become Psychicā 6 disc set. I have not watched it yet, obviously. Because i am not yet fully psychic. Waiting to watch these videos with a beautiful beautiful woman so i can impress her with the power of my mind.
May 3
Smoked a cigarette and remembered that i get like this at the end of every single semester. I also remembered that Iām very smart and good at pulling through in tight places. And i remembered that i never have to do this again. One more push. Iāll figure something out. I always do.
Spent 7 hours coding today. Made no progress whatsoever. I am very upset.
I'm so sick of doing things that I don't want to do. That's school. I'm so close and I want to give up now. I am exasperated. I need to make some progress on this coding project, but I'm realizing that there's a lot of good reasons I never became a computer science student. I get too angry when I can't get a script to run, and when I'm angry I have a much harder time solving the problem. The issue is I know exactly what needs to happen step by step, but I just can't get it to work. When I graduate in a couple weeks, I think that I will feel weird. I won't miss it.
My nose bled this morning. Sometimes Iāll just let it bleed. Iām stressed again. Iām worried about staying this way forever. I see it in my parents, they're never relaxed. I think i can do better, but Iām just not sure. Having a bad week. I want to go be in the woods for a long time. Iām gaining weight again. I just need some time to get everything together. But time moves so fast. Iām convinced that time is entirely relative. It goes fast when you need to slow down, and slow when you want it to pass. If i didnāt have a computer in my pocket that always counted up, i think it would be better. When i was a kid we would always ask each other what superpower we would want. I used to say shapeshifting, which i still stand by as a great power. But i think now my answer would be the ability to control time. But thereās a whole Adam Sandler movie about why thatās a bad idea.
May 1
Had a bad day. Try again tomorro
April 27
I skipped my last class of the day to go home and watch Godzilla. I just thought about Godzilla at work today and remembered he existed. So I watched the original movie and am in the middle of the Bryan Cranston one now. The original genuinely is a great movie. Itās ABOUT something. I love when movies are about something thatās my favorite kind. Godzilla is not only a great symbol of the consequence of the development of weapons of mass destruction and nuclear testing, hes also a big guy who wrecks stuff and sets it on fire. I love him so much. The other great thing about this movie is you can see how creative they got when making it with all the practical effects. Oh boy oh boy do i love mister Godzilla. I think heās cute. Heās just a cute little guy only instead of being little heās HUGE. Iām realizing now that the Bryan Cranston movie is a remake but not of the original i think itās the second one. Which i watched years ago and forgot about. I was thinking that this one wasnāt very good but then Godzilla showed up and itās good again. He really is the star of the show. Heās defending the world from bug monsters in this one. I love him. I wish i had my own Godzilla.
April 26
I feel better today. Not quite a āWeāre backā but close enough. Last night went out with moth baby and uncle altoid which was very good. Today i went to the senior engineering symposium and i had a good time talking with my peers and some of my professors. Open bar. Looking around at all the SLU people i had some regrets of not reaching out enough socially at this school. Which made me worried about making friends in chicago again. Idk. I get in my own way a lot, i know people like me when i make an effort. I was freaking out yesterday and idk why. I am really excited about my future. I guess Iām just scared of being wrong about this being the right move for me. Which is a possibility but. Idk. Iāve got big plans and theyāre vague enough to accommodate whatever comes next. But Iām progressing towards my goals. And i think that my goals are good. Some of them are secrets, but my main one, the one Iām excited about the most, is to be happy. Iāve already got a pretty good start on that one. I feel prepared for anything. Even something really crazy and unexpected. Iām just like the goat from hoodwinked in that way.
April 25
TLDR; today is an āItās So Overā day
Iām feeling bad. I donāt know why. I just am. My therapist cancelled on me bc he was sick. But i had already saved up all the things i was going to say, and theyāre floating around in my head now. Iām in such a weird place right now. Iām Almost done with all of the things Iāve been using as excuses not to live. Almost. And Iām getting frustrated with a lot of them. And scared about whatās next. I never see it coming when i sabotage myself. Iāve been jumping back and forth wildly between being excited for the time in my life Iāve been waiting five years for, and terrified that every move i make is a mistake. Lots of back and forth recently. Im worried about losing my friends. Iāve lost contact with people close to me many times over, for different reasons. And Iāve internalized it in a way that i donāt think is healthy. Im worried everyone feels like im abandoning them. And i also know in my chest that if i donāt move away it will seriously hurt me. I donāt know. Im anxious. I donāt like saying goodbye and communicating with the people i love has always been a weakness for me. I think more than anything i need some space to calm the fuck down. And itās Coming. School just keeps me wound so tight and while im still in it i just canāt let go of that constant stress. I think itās a part of me. But i donāt think it needs to be. Iām worried that Iām not as good of a friend as my friends are to me. But i donāt know how to be better. I think that posting all of this is gross but i needed to write it down so i wouldnāt cry in the office rn. Iām fine. I will write something happy later to balance out.
April 20, 2023
3PM
Trying to square my belief that being competitive is stupid and itās bad for me to compare myself to others with the fact that i just keep on winning and beating other people. Iām sorry to all of you losers, i truly am.
1 PM
Iām ashamed to admit that Iām no longer the worlds best weed smoker. Iām reformed.
April 18, 2023
9 AM is
Took my medicine for my stomachaches when they get really bad and i use them sparingly bc i donāt get a refill. But i always forget that they make me drowsy and sort of high. Anyways Iām IN the office.
7 AM
I should have slept 100 years. I feel bad. Iām at work.
April 17, 2023
11PM
I want to go to sleep for 100 years. But when i woke up i would probably get so sad about all the stuff i missed. So maybe instead i will just sleep for a normal amount.
10 AM
I feel like Iāve been sick all year. I havenāt been fully normal for more than a couple weeks at a time. Sucks!! I donāt know what to do about it.
April 16, 2023
7 PM
i have four computers plugged in on my desk. One of these fucking machines has my images on it. I am going to retrieve them. They are all sort of broken but i am a genius so Iāve finally figured out how to access my files. Itās my brothers birthday. I feel sort of sick today. I took my big test and i think it went well. Had fun time drinking with my friends to celebrate on Friday. Then i played cyberpunk all day Saturday. Looking through all of my old pictures makes me feel more like myself. At times i forget that the present moment is not eternal. Iāve always been myself for as long as i can remember. Before that, i bet i was something else.
April 13, 2023
8 AM
Listening to Blaze Foley at the office. They just put out an extended version of his live album from the Austin outhouse. I love listening to him talk between songs. He just said āI donāt want to go anywhere dogs canāt goā. He reminds me of myself in a lot of ways, some just imaginary. Makes me sad, makes me happy. RIP
April 12, 2023
11PM
If i donāt pass this exam i will become seriously unwell. Iām getting kind of worried. I can retake it as soon as i want but it costs almost $200 and then i would also have to deal with the shame of telling all of my respected colleagues and mentors that i have failed. So the plan is to not do that. But my head hurts so Iām packing it up for the night. I donāt have much time at all to study tomorrow and thereās a lot of material i didnāt cover. My Scared Meter is nearly full.
8PM
Just checking in to remind you that i will NOT be posting at all today. So if you see any posts from me, thatās not true. Youāre mistaken, because Iām studying so. Thatās not happening. I got my assignment done and my professor lent me the calculator he used when he took his exam years ago and he told me he had no doubts i would pass which was so heartwarming. But i really need to review my structural analysis and design, which is what Iām doing right now. Not posting. I wish i was at the underpass show. Ok
9 AM
I need to study today, and i need to do my taxes, and i need to submit an assignment for my River Engineering class. I will do all of these things and i will NOT write a bunch of just okay poems on flounder and i will NOT tweet again. I promise.
April 10, 2023
10PM
Just when i thought i couldnāt win any more. I had an incredible day today. Watched succession with princess-jesus and this weeks episode was so crazy even tho i had it spoiled. My brother FaceTimed me to ask for math help while i was there which was very funny. And then i played Drive by Incubus 30 times on the ride home. At which point my sister told me that my father has chosen, on his own, to go to therapy and he really enjoyed it and is going to go again in two weeks. Iām so proud of him itās hard to express. I was beginning to lose faith in his capacity to change and to try something new to solve his problems. I am so hopeful for him. I love that guy. I am going to be very busy this week studying for my FE Exam but i canāt shake my overwhelming sense of confidence. I feel like Iām on the right path and i feel like i am in control. I feel fucking powerful lately, which is cool and awesome. Iām gonna win.
4PM
Had sort of a stellar morning. Watched some more BEEF, then i went on a jog in the park and listened to the soundtrack and worked out. Showered and made myself some lunch and began studying for my Big Exam on Friday. Feeling very confident and powerful today. Unstoppable.
April 9, 2023
11PM
Went over to play some music with unclealtoid. Played some wednesday songs weāve been practicing and got fixated on the idea of a Wednesday cover band called Thursday. unclealtoid had some really insightful things to say about family which was really nice to hear and talk about. I love my friends.
2PM
Didnāt go to my uncles house. Iām listening to the Despicable Me song now. Another win on the books for me.
10AM
Downloaded a soundboard app.
9AM
Went to the park for a long time yesterday with friends. Fun fun fun fun. Now itās Easter. I. Have complicated feelings about spending time with my family. My aunts and uncles and grandparents just make me sad mostly. I feel like they do not really engage with me, nor are really interested in doing so. Yet any time Iām not at a family event or something, i get guilt tripped. Itās like they donāt really want me there but theyāre mad at me for not coming. I find i donāt really have anything to say to most of them. Theyāve already asked me all the questions they know to ask, and it feels like weāre both repeating ourselves. I fear that if i was not already a part of this family, most of them would not like me at all. I hate the way that family feels like obligation sometimes. Because i do love my family and want to spend time with them. But i donāt feel Iām ever given the option to do so of my own volition. Sort of i just feel like thereās not room for me in this family. Egg Hunt. Easter Bunny. Peeps.
April 7, 2023
6PM
Iāve just received an award for Worst Grocery Buyer. Whatās important here though is not how bad I am at it, and not how much everyone was pointing and laughing at me when i checked out, and not even that I didnāt make a list and therefore didnāt get any of the things I really needed. The important part is that i bought groceries at all. This is huge. My winning streak continues.
4PM
Lied down for a minute. Then i slept for 5 hours. Wish i hadnāt done that. Iām still tired anyhow. Stupid
11AM
last nite was fun. Saw lots of lovely people at the splashpad show then i crashed at big-green-girlās. Thursday night babey.
April 6, 2023
12PM
Nailed an interaction where my boss asked me what Iāve been doing (thanks walker) and they actually gave me something to do, something i can chew on and feel smart about. And also some excel stuff. I love my job when they let me do it.
8AM
at work floundering. They havenāt given me anything to do today but i donāt want to go ask anybody. Found out we got a week extension on an assignment i thought i needed to do by midnight tonight. So basically Iām chilling. Anybody want to hang tonight.
April 5, 2023
7PM
I went on a walk in the park because it was cool and cloudy out and i was wearing a cool outfit. I sat and watched some ducks for a while and ran into Abbie. Then i walked around a bit more. At the advice of some trusted friends of mine, i went barefoot for a while. It was really nice. I always have my shoes off when i go out to my grandparents cabin by the creek, but i donāt do it much when Iām home. The feel of the grass and twigs and pine needles and clovers and mud and water between my toes was healing i think. Sometimes when i go on a walk, i feel driven by some other force. Some part of me that knows where Iām supposed to go. And Iāve gotten in the habit of listening. It always feels right. So i guided myself through a field and between some trees, found an immaculate stump in a clearing on a hill and had a sit for a minute. When i felt it was time to get up i wandered and looked at the ground to make sure i didnāt step on anything i wasnāt supposed to. And i looked down and there was a rabbit foot right where i was about to step. After texting my friends to make sure it wasnāt completely weird, i picked it up and stuck it in my pocket. I continued my walk and had some pleasant thoughts and feelings. Then i went home. I looked up some stuff online and began to prepare the rabbit foot for curing so that i could preserve it and hold onto it for good luck. Itās in a jar of alcohol now, where it will stay for the next 48 hours before the next step. I think this means something.
5:30PM
I lost a couple journal updates, i guess i didnāt save them. I stopped being scared btw. If you take an edible and go to the park there will be friends there. Had a weird day at work yesterday and gave a presentation and got home in time to watch succession with princess-jesus. I donāt remember what else i said in my post last night but thatās the gist. Had a good day today it is the kind of weather i like the most. Good temp.
April 4, 2023
4 PM
Iām scared
April 3, 2023
10PM
The zine open mic was very special. I cried a lot, and princess-jesus saw me crying at the most embarrassing time (when Groot was just talking like a normal ass guy before the poetry even started). It means a lot to me to see people sharing the things they made. It's something thats so hard for me to do and it makes me so proud and emotional. I think it's sort of like how my mom cries every time she sees a parade. It means something. Other notable cries were: rowen conry's poem for love AND duke nightboy reading the arch one, oli's egg poem, afterwards when i looked at a book with a sad looking dog on the cover, and right now thinking about the other times i cried. I sort of feel like im winning when I'm crying because I was really sad for a really long time without crying at all and it was starting to scare me. Healthy emotional release. I love my friends a lot. I want to submit something for the next zine (even though I am SCARED). I want to tell Rowen how much I love the stuff he makes every single time I see him but I gotta stay normal about it. Luckily I can write about it here, privately. I don't know what to do when someone gives me a compliment, and conversely I don't really know how to give other people compliments so I usually just blurt it out if I manage to say anything at all. Good job everybody. I'm going to try and play some guitar about how I feel right now. I wish I had always played guitar I think it would have helped me a lot when I was younger. <3
3PM
Yesterday was a good day. Woke up earlyy to go to see Hope start the marathon, then me and Helen drove around a bunch trying to keep up with Hope to make some pit stops and cheer her on. It was fun but we got turned around a lot due to the fact that you can't drive on the roads where people are running. Weird. Reminded me of how car-centric this place is. Goblin came along and I could tell she was fed up with all the driving around and overwhelmed by the people running, but she was a good sport. Went home after Hope finished and showered, then took the dog to my parents. My brother was in town still, so I stayed for lunch and hung out at home for a bit. In a shocking turn of events, I brought up climate change. I love talking about this with my family because they no longer try to argue with me about anything. They just take me at my word because I've proven that this is something I know and care a lot about. It gives me hope about making progress budging them on some other political stuff, but it's nice to have this one thing at least that my dad thinks I'm right about. We had a very pleasant conversation about the pacific ocean garbage patch and he got fixated on this idea that I think is so funny. He wants to write a tv show or movie where Oil executives and figureheads responsible for climate change and pollution are forced to live on Trash Island and deal with the consequences of their actions. He wants me and my brother to send him ideas and he wants to write something. I whole-heartedly support this idea, not only because it is a premise that I think you could get some good comedic mileage out of, but also because he is trying to develop some hobbies and find better outlets for his anger. I love it when we agree on something politically, when I'm able to frame something in terms of "look at this fucking scam" he usually gets it, and I think the biggest gap between our beliefs is the information that he has access to and the perspectives that he is surrounded by, especially on Facebook. Anyways i had a good convo with my dad about something I care about, which is cool. After I left, I went straight to the park and drank a bunch of beers with my friends. Again I must say, I love them all so much. It was a good time, and I was still able to get home and sober up enough to finish an assignment I had already decided to take an L on.
Today I woke up and ate breakfast and did my best to get some shit done. Mondays are usually busy for me but I'd really like to go to the zine open mic. I care about the stuff my friends make! Went to class and got some stuff done. Now I just gotta finish this report so I'll have some time this evening.
April 1, 2023
7 PM
Me and Gob went over and hung out with idi and Beck. Good time