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⬅️ Previous capture (2023-04-26)
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Throughout my young life, I was forgiven for verbal and physical abuse, given slack upon slack, and constantly re-assured that I was "special" despite the obvious reality on the promise that my good grades would mean I would somehow end up "special." In the end, it turns out, I was simply average in life past middle school, even back when I used to try my hardest to move past it. Even in my attempts to serve people, I have always been blinded by my own ego and lack of attention-span. In other words, I am useless in all but appearances, seeming "smart" to some without actually having any smart ideas. In my real life, I compensate for this by giving my attention to humor so I can at least be of some use, giving menial services like sharpening peoples' pencils when they need it, but honestly I don't even think that that's enough to justify the drain that my life has been on everyone around me.
I was a comically bratty child—I punched my own great-grandmother in the face when I was only 4, broke or destroyed several family memories, held up my 5th grade teacher with a pair of scissors for my own amusement(my brain thought it would go fine either way since it was the last day of school) and had the audacity to feel like the victim in it because of my ND and the difficulties it brought. Knowing that this behavior would grant me a quick death or a jail cell before I reached adulthood if left unchecked, and feeling powerless to stop them(most of the behavior was based on ADHD urges rather than planned-out decisions), I considered suicide on several occasions—I spent the years of 2019-2021 without these thoughts, but knowing how I have ended up, it seems once again like the good decision to minimize my drain of life.
Perhaps it is selfish to say these things about myself, when there are those that are far less mentally and physically able than me, or just as capable but with far less opportunity. I will say that I believe(and have seen) that the lion's share of these people have not done a fraction of the bad that I have, so for that alone they have more of a claim to life than me. There have certainly been a few people in my life I wish I could have swapped bodies with, who would have probably made far more from my base than I will ever be able to, even if I try.
Any beratement that I get in my contacts or guestbook for writing this, I probably deserve. If they tell me to try again, I deserve to fail and be reminded of who and what I am. A hopelessly mediocre person that was simply created to waste everyone's space, who could not manage even the simple path that was laid out for them.