💾 Archived View for spiritualinstinct.site › log › 2024-05-17.gmi captured on 2024-06-16 at 12:12:55. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Haven't had much time lately to add an entry to my gemlog. Or maybe I did, but simply didn't think of it. I can barely remember what I did in april. Something strange did happen around the end of the month, though.
I am normally not the most optimistic person in the world. In fact, people often comment on how insecure I seem, and I sometimes think about making myself disappear completely when I'm in a bad mood. I'm not sure where this insecurity comes from, it feels as if things have always been this way. I might have an idea, but I don't really feel like unpacking that right now. The point is, for a few days, I felt a lot less insecure.
A few weeks ago, one of my coworkers announced that he'd found a different job. Nothing unusual about that, if it weren't for the fact that I have certain feelings for this coworker in particular that I cannot entirely identify. I can say for sure that he's a role model to me, since he's intelligent, has a deep understanding about our field of work, can handle the verbal combat that is client communication really well, and remains professional and confident all the while. At least, that's what it looks like to me. I suppose it's also worth noting that he has at least a decade of experience more than me. Oh, and he's kinda cute, too.
For some reason the news of his departure shook me (ok, I'll unpack a little here, I think my insecurity may have something to do with undiagnosed autism). It was on a thursday morning, I think. I sat at my desk on the verge of tears until lunch break. After lunch, I managed to get some things done here and there (maybe I was just hungry). That same evening, I had a daydream (I daydream a lot), that my coworker came to visit me at my house, that I explained to him how I felt about him, and that he made me promise him that I would never make myself disappear.
During the first few days after that, I felt more confident than I have ever been in my life. It all came crashing down again when I went bouldering a few days later (I should really stop comparing myself to my male friends at the climbing hall), but it was fun while it lasted. I'm not sure how to trigger something like that again, but it seems that things are starting to look up, after a quarter century.
In May, I started driving lessons with a new instructor, got a new ISP, painted some walls in my house, finally took one of my coats to a tailor to have the zipper fixed, and went to some parties. Oh, and I bought an iMac! Like, not a brand new one. It's an Indigo colored iMac G3, probably from around 2001. It was pretty cheap, too. When I took it home, I plugged in the power cord, and turned it on. I heard that typical crackling sound that CRT monitors make when you turn them on, and then the equally typical iMac chime. After a while, it displayed a screen with the text "Welcome to Mac OS", but it got stuck there. Not sure what's causing it, I'll check the hard drive.