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one year

One year in Chicago

Basically at the end of the month

I think mostly I’ve done good

I’ve pushed myself a lot

Making friends is hard

And i cut myself slack on it

But i sort of figured at least by now

I’d have someone to go do things with

Mostly i just have incidentals

People who know me but

Not really friends

I’m grateful for all my friends back home

And i worry i don’t acknowledge that enough

But Chicago is so cool

And i just feel so aware a lot of the time

How much cooler it would be

If i was sharing it with people

Which is why i love having visitors

My mom and sisters came last weekend

Brother and his wife this weekend

Two friends coming next weekend

It’s good

I know i must be doing something wrong

I must be bad at some part of it

Because people like me

I’m polite and I’m funny and I’m nice

But I’m not good at something

Meeting and introduction

Inviting and sustaining

There’s a part that I’m missing

Which is fine really

It’s just a muscle I’d like to build

I think other people

Would have been better at this

But God help me

I keep trying

And i think that’s my biggest accomplishment

That’s been the moral of my last year

That I’m someone who keeps trying

I’m stubborn like that

I started packing for real tonight

And it’s weird

More emotionless than i thought

I guess my move last year

Was extra taxing because

I was moving so far

And was so uncertain

Now I’ve got all these experiences

Under my belt

Just wishing i was doing more sharing

Looking at the year ahead

It’s fuzzy

I have vague ideas

Changes ahead of course

But i dont know when or how yet

Im coming back to St. Louis

For a while at least

Not with my tail tucked between my legs

But because i think its something

That i need to do

As much as i needed to move here

For a bit

Now that I’ve done it

I know that it’s easy

It’s something i can handle

So i don’t feel like

I’m giving up exactly

I just think things

Aren’t as linear as i once envisioned

I want to be around my good friends

I want to be there for my sister

I want to be there for my mom

I want to try and help my dad

I want to be home again

I want to see my dog

I think those are good reasons

I am young and have no major plans

I am good at loving multiple things

I love Saint Louis

I love Chicago

I love the Midwest baby

The heartland

I still gotta figure out what the deal is

But I’ll be back for some time

Maybe I’ll just move back and forth

Every two years

Like an insane person

Or I’ll get a fully remote job

And two apartments

And I’ll just go back and forth

On a whim whenever i want

Probably not that one

But I’m just spitballing

cicado

I like the cicadas

My coworker doesn’t

She’s terrified of them

So much that it’s annoying

Yeah it’s a big bug but

It don’t bite

All they do is sing loud

And fly around

For maybe a month

And then they die

They make it hard to forget

That life is all around you

That everything cycles

That all the while you didn’t hear them

They were crawling around

As nymphs by the roots

Unseen underfoot

I find their song compelling

And i will miss it

When they pause before refraining

mulberry

Standing barefoot on the fence

Blunt wood digging into callous-less heels

Tippy tippy toes

Up to the branch with the big ones

The purple berries hanging delicately

Which fall if nudged at all

Grabbing them by tiny handful

And shoving into tiny mouth

Purple hands and face

Stained by the sweet mulberry

And when they reach all they can

Move onto the red

Too impatient to let them ripen

The bitter tastes good too

Until you slip off the fence post

Land hard on your back

Knocking the wind out

Gasping for air

With all the fallen berries in the lawn

Fermenting on the ground

And it happens every summer

Until you’re tall enough

You don’t need to stand on the fence

three things

At the recommendation of a friend

I’ve been listening to healing frequencies

Started a bit as a joke

If just pick the one with the wildest title

“FULL CELLULAR REGENERATION

KILL ALL BAD DNA PURE SLEEP ANGEL

FREQUENCY TO HEAL BLOOD 777 Hz”

But i have been finding it calming

Gives me restful sleep

With weird dreams

But i like weird dreams

It’s like free tv

I’ve also been leaning into coincidence

Feeling out the world like

A marble in a big Rube Goldberg machine

Random chance and small decisions

Lead to cathartic happenstance

Case in point

Today i took a nap

Then woke up and wanted to exercise

Went on a long walk yesterday

So i decided to take my bike

So i didn’t bring my wallet

Hopped on my bike

And rode for a bit

Until i almost spun out

Back tire flat again

Found a pump and inflated it

Flat again in two minutes

So i walk my bike

To the bike shop

I haven’t been to in a while

Two nice girls are working

And we joke around while they’re

Checking out my bike

This is really good for me

I love joking around

And I’ve been lonely again lately

And I’m so sick

Of talking to engineers

But i don’t have my wallet

So i cant pay

So i say ill run home

While they put on a new tire

Which i do

And i time it perfectly

The second they texted me it’s ready

I walk in the door

Get my bike

Bike girl 1 tells me it was an easy fix

Bike girl 2 says that’s a really good tire

Shouldn’t happen again

I say thank you thank you thank you

And i go down the street

To 711

Because i saw a guy with a slurpee

And it looked so good

Then I’m walking my bike

Slurping away

And this is no exaggeration

The most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen

Is walking opposite me

I caught her eye

And i sheepishly looked away

Then she’s standing two feet away

Smiling right at my face

Looking me over

Little brief interaction

Then I’m smiling all the way home

It don’t take much

Not sure what my point here is

Other than to remind myself

That when i do things

Things happen

And if i had just gone on napping

I would not be smiling now

Thinking of beautiful women

And my friends at the bike shop

I’m going chaos mode again

Creatively I’m working on

So many different projects

That i flip between frantically

And im so busy otherwise

Idk if anything is going to get done

But it still feels good

I’m working on a comic

Which I’m actually really happy with

I’ve been doing all this insane world building

That will mostly just sit in the background

Of some silly little comics

And it is fun to do

I’m working on drafting a personal zine

Timeline on this is sketchy but

I’d like it to be a summer release

We shall see we shall see

I’m back working on another bitsy game

Basically it’s the same one again

But better

I like thinking of all art as a work in progress

This is why i struggle to share mine

This is just a rough draft

Of the true thing

Which is impossible to capture

It is an impression

A three dimensional shadow

Of a four dimensional cube

In other words

I feel like i can do this idea better

So I’m doing it again

Same with every song i write

I think i can do a little better

Before i say it’s ready

I’m also supposed to be packing

Have to move at the end of the month

A lot going on and my attention is so split

I’m sure I’ve been forgetting things

But i don’t have time to

Remember what they are

Work sucks and its a big part

Of why I’ve been so fractured

But i have my healing frequencies

And the power of coincidence

So i think i will weather the chaos

And try to take it easy in July

terminator

I cannot be killed

By mechanical means

Nor devious device

Nor malevolent machine

You may not strike me down

With armed automaton

Remorseless robots

Or even dreadful droids

If you want me dead

You’re gonna have to get dirty

Your hands

You’re gonna have to dirty your hands

Otherwise it just won’t take

I’ll stand here unarmored

And if you want to kill me

You’ll have to rip me apart

You’ll have to be strong

Enough to rip my heart out

Hold it in your hand

And take it in your mouth

You’re gonna have to chew

Through the grisly scar tissue

And when you’re burping

You’ll remember

You are what you eat

And what you ate was me

And you’ll have to kill yourself

And that won’t be easy

Because you can’t be killed

By any machine

phone guy rant

Oh those damn motherfuckers

Steve joms Tim apple cook fuckers

They put Siri on my phone

They put Chad gbt on my phone

They put 5 g on it

They want to take it all away

All the little momentary joys

Not knowing something

And figuring it out

Thinking about it

Telling someone

Don’t worry about it

You don’t need to pay me back

Forgetting stuff

Getting lost

They want to take it all away from me

And keep it to themselves

So that i am

Efficient

So that i am

Productive

So that i never have to think

Never have to wonder

Never have to choose

They will ruin me

If i don’t become so angry

That no technology can fix me

If i don’t dig my heels in

Deeper than the bedrock

You can pull me to the future

With your iPhone iOS 666

Bullshit talking phone

Making shit up

Talking to me all the time

Trying to get me to talk back

Trying to get me to give a fuck

Trying to get me to use my phone more

Remembering all my birthdays

Remembering all my texts

Knowing what my face looks like

Knowing my thumbprint

Remembering my moms voice for me

Remembering everything

So that i am just a lifeless body

Hollowed out to be piloted

By profit maximizing algorithms

NOOOOOOOOO

No fuckingway will that happen to me

No not to me

I’m so FUCKINGPISSED

at iphonw

You can’t make me

Whatever you want

You can’t make me

I’ll get rid of it

All my games and apps

All the good parts

If you ruin it for me

I’ll fucking do it

You can’t stop me

Yet

You can’t stop me yet

Wait hold up

They got porn on here

They got ai porn

With a robot girl who loves me

Hmmmmmmmmm maybe i keep it

mondey

Slept weird

Strange feeling of despair

That i can’t put my finger on

Everything’s fine otherwise

But for the despair

Think I’ll take a nap

Sleep it over

invasive

My koi are an invasive species

The kudzu weed is an invasive species

And yet i think both deserve to live

From the USGS:

An invasive species is an introduced, nonnative organism that begins to spread or expand its range from the site of its original introduction and that has the potential to cause harm to the environment, the economy, or to human health.

One: nonnative

How long must you live somewhere

Before you tell people

That is where you are from?

Two: spread or expand its range

We must all grow

Or else shrink

Standing in the gap between

Other growing clusters

Three: harm to the environment

What will be considered harm

In a changing ecosystem?

An invasive species may dominate

And establish a new equilibrium

Which allows for new life to flourish

Harm is hard to quantify

When competition is the name of the game

Four: the economy

[REDACTED]

Five: or to human health

Are we ourselves not a species

Are we not a part of the environment

Are we not causing harm

Are we not proliferating

Spreading across the surface of the earth

Far beyond the area

Of our introduction

Are we not invasive?

the immortal Thud

He stands 8 foot something

Unmovable

Some say

Unlovable

Some say

He sounds like

Thud thud thud

Every sound he makes

Sounds like thud

He wears big black boots

He rolls his giant carharts

So you can see more

Of the big black boots

And they go thud thud

Down every street he walks

He’s a dense blunt instrument

His fat hands like catchers mitts

He could hold hot coals

Right in his palm

And not even wince

He doesn’t even work

Because nobody asked him

If he wanted a job

So he just walks around

Thud thud thud

All too scared to talk to him

Poor guy

I bet he could use a friend

But it won’t be me

That guy is too big

Too strong probably

He doesn’t fit in

Through the door

Or around here generally

And it isn’t fair

But it’s nobody’s job

To make a place for him

It’s nobody’s job

To make an exception

Go thud somewhere else

That’s what they mutter

Under their collective breath

And it’s a shame

It’s a real damn shame

yahoo

I’m so pissed off about work again

prison earth

They put so many damn satellites up

You can’t see the stars no more

And all the smashed up ones

Have created a debris field

Too dense to survive in a rocket

We are stuck here

And it’s getting hotter

So hot and so humid

That when you sweat

The sweat can’t evaporate

And you just keep getting hotter

Until you die

And that goes for you

And all the plants and animals

And it’s flooding

And it’s storming

And everyone’s yelling at you

Saying this was all your fault

When all you did

The simple thing that you did

Was push a big red button

Labeled

MAKE EVERYTHING WORSE

AND TRAP US HERE FOREVER

What’s the big deal

Calm down

Prison is good

Otherwise why would we have them

We should be fine

As long as nobody pushes

The bigger redder button

Labeled

KEEP DOING IT

worried dog

They bred a new breed of dog

With a permanently furrowed brow

You can always see the whites of its eyes

It looks around the room

Looking for something it can’t find

Remembering something it forgot

They made a dog born worried

Its first breath and its last

Will be a heavy sigh

Worn out by something

Larger than the mind of a dog

It still loves playing catch

But when the ball rolls under the couch

It will cry and cry and cry

They made a worried kind of dog

A dog that tries its best

But never feels adequate

A dog that sits and stays

And shakes and barks

But can’t ever relax

Not for long enough to count

Why did they do this

I don’t know

Dog breeding is pretty weird

It’s kind of just eugenics

But grandfathered in

To acceptable society

Because we don’t think

A dog has a soul

Or something like that

It’s kind of scary

The limits of what we could do

When we feel entitled

When we become

Owners

Life as property

It’s strange

I’m not saying let all the dogs loose

(Who let the dogs out)

But it’s kind of strange

And i think

Worth interrogating

imm ortal

They let me live forever

But i said i didn’t want it

So i took every extra year

From the rest of my unlimited life

And distributed it evenly

Across all living things

From now until the last one dies

I may have only bought you

A couple measly seconds

But i wanted to be fair

So make it count

Please make it count

manic

I’m going nuts mode

I’m going ham

I’m going hard

I’m feeling sort of

Manic

And good at everything

I’m so good at my job

That they tripled my workload

And I’m still kind of killing it

Whenever this limitless energy expends

I will doubtlessly be fucked

But for now

To me and my employer

I am infinite

I am productivity

I am inexhaustible

Can’t wait to burn out

gender i hardly know her

I have got stuff to say

Which i am mapping out

About gender and my place in it

But one thing that trips me up

Is how to say it at least

To a prospective audience

With a shallower understanding

Of what gender really is

I think i mostly like the way i dress

I think i mostly like my voice

I think i fuck with masculinity some

Like i think guns and knives are cool

Like i love drinking beer

Like i already know

How to make the boys laugh

And other stuff too i guess

A lot of the pieces

Of what we call a man

Are pieces i actually like

But i don’t wanna be a man

I don’t want to be understood that way

As much as i shift my own understanding

I can see myself as anything

With my awesome mind

That’s only half the battle

The gender battle

So I’m moving stuff around

Trying to be understood different

I think I’m everything

But i must contend

With a world that doesn’t see that

As readily as i do

If i was born a woman

I could just do all of the man stuff

And everyone would say

That’s cool and hot actually

You’re one of the boys

And i could do girl stuff too

When i want to

I could do my hair and makeup

And look nice and not feel weird

I could broaden my wardrobe

Even if i love my staples

And all of these things are so possible

But in order to get there

The way i want to

I think i gotta do

A weird fold

A performance of authenticity

An artifice of self

I don’t feel like I’m hiding

Or that I’ve ever been untrue

I just think i have some work to do

To have others see me

The way I’d like

It’d be simpler a lot of other ways

But I’m stubborn and particular

And i think about things too much

So this is how i look at it

Right now it is

I got more to say

But that’s all for now

Right now it is

critical mass

I gotta look up all the details

About what this thing really is

But this evening

I rode my bike for five hours

Twenty plus miles

With hundreds of people

All around Chicago

Places I’ve never been before

Smiling and waving

Blocking off traffic

Keeping each other safe

It was so damn cool

And i remember

I am so good at excluding myself

That it feels amazing

When i am part of something

Part of the pack

Part of the group

Part of the activity

It makes me feel special

Because I’ve overcome

Whatever it is in me

That always leaves me out

I had so much fun riding my bike

I am work out now

But i think they do this

The big one

Last Friday of every month

So I’m gonna keep doing it

Keep being a part of something

Very cool

Sunglasses emoji

huh

I’m actually thriving at work right now

I’m not thriving

While I’m at work

But at work, i am thriving

I’m good at it

I’m being helpful

My boss complimented me today

On how conscientious i am

I am training the new intern

I am completing everyone’s projects

I am successful at this

Shame it doesn’t make me feel good

If i was the sort

To value my my work performance

I bet I’d feel great now

Instead that’s just

Something that i do

Huh

off

Went off my meds again

Not on purpose but because

They won’t fill my prescription again

For no fucking reason

So I’m off again

More anxious than usual

Kind of loosey goosey

Who care

season

I think I’m different when the sun shines

I think I’m a different person

Like the equinox hits

And i slap hands tag team

Into my own body

Into my own brain

Where i had been all winter

But a different one

It’s the seasonal depression yeah

But it’s more than that

My voice is different

My memories are different

My self is different

Not altogether better

Just wholly changed somehow

I guess like any other plant

I change with the seasons

I saw the tv glow

Im going to see this movie again this weekend. I’ve taken a lot of time to gather my thoughts. This movie really sat with me and I am seeing that my friends have also seen this movie now (which i would love to discuss later) and i figured I’d write out my thoughts as I am bored at work.

First, this is a personal thing, but I find it really boring and trite when a movies whole premise is about unreality or paranoia about if what you’re seeing is real or not. It simply isn’t interesting to me because it is all fake, it is a movie.

HOWEVER, i think this sense of uncertainty was used effectively with purpose in this movie to center you with the protagonist and get you in the right place emotionally. The doubt and denial runs right to the core of what this movie is about, and is not used as a cheap tack-on to imply depth, as i have seen it done in other movies.

I loved all of the visual effects and the creatures and makeup and world of the pink opaque left me wanting more, which again is what i feel the movie wanted to make me feel.

Basically i felt like this movie had my number the whole time. A lot of times ill watch a movie and feel smugly smart like “i know what you’re doing… here’s what will happen next” but here i felt i was being lead around and constantly saying “oh” right as things happened. The bit that Owen says about being empty inside killed me. There was a lot for me to resonate with this character, and even where i didn’t see myself, it was so easy for me to understand.

By the time we get to the scene at the bar i sort of have a feeling for where things are, or could be going, which i think the movie knows, because the rest of the movie takes that expectation, the easy option of a happy ending, a coming of age story, catharsis and resolution, and refuses. Then it doubles down, then it triples down, then it quadruples down. And this is the whole point of the movie. To me it seems that the ending of the movie must exist, and you work backwards from that ending to get the rest. It left me feeling so frustrated and upset in a way no other movie ever has. The movie is simultaneously doing the same thing to you as its protagonist is doing to himself. And it is tragic and it doesn’t feel good. It refuses a way out, there is a confusing loss of time and decay of pacing, a discomfort and horror like ive never really felt watching a movie. Ultimately i find it to be an extremely hopeful movie. Its message: There is still time… OR ELSE. Which is so powerful to me and i can’t wait to watch it again.

25

I’m turning 25

In a bit

And i have thoughts about it

Never thought much

About my age

But now I’m old enough

I feel i ought to

I think i feel that old

Quarter of a century

I was thinking for a bit

I didn’t feel ready

But I’ve got stuff cooking

I’m growing like always

And i like the trajectory

I think I’m on track

I think I’m fucked

In a lot of ways

I’m worried over the future

But that’s nothing new

I think I’ve curated

On the things that are important

I’ve gotten good at love

I am good at loving things

No matter what it is

I am good at feeling love

I think that’s bigger

Than anything else

Even when i feel small

I know my heart is big

I think that’ll carry me

All the way to the next

I see myself becoming strange

As all do as they age

I need to care more for my body

And I’m working on it

All the things I’m worried over

I’m working on it

I just started smoking again

Can’t really say why

Other than

It’s more vague

Than other ways

To hurt myself

And it relaxes me

That’s a big goal of mine

To relax

There’s stuff in the way

But i have plans for it

I think im going to make it

And amongst all the noise

That’s a better outlook

Than I’ve had before

There were times

I couldn’t imagine 25

Now i seem to

Have my heart set on living

Which is powerful

I think I’m going to make it

From here on into the future

Whatever it brings

Be it 25 or 26

Or a greater number

I feel capable

I feel skilled

I feel deserving

Of the grace afforded

To little old me

I feel an acceleration

A pressing need to grow

In order to learn

In order to teach

In order to live

I think i can do it all

Regardless of the

Moment to moment

Anxiety and weirdness

I feel capable of

Achieving a hindsight

Where i can say

I am proud of myself

And i didn’t waste my time

There are pieces I’m missing

There are things i need to do

But i know i have it in me

Not all the time now

But right now

I’m feeling good

About my life

And what I’m gonna get up to

The next quarter century

I’ve got a good base

And I’ve repotted myself

With room for roots

And branches and leaves

Whatever else goes on

I think i can make something of this

And this feeling

It feels like getting away with something

Good

ladybug

There was a ladybug in the office

I saw it Monday and again Tuesday

I let it crawl on my hand

I filled up my water bottle

And dripped some drops on the desk

She was thirsty

I gathered some sugar

Leaves from a plant

And a smaller dead bug

To see if that was stuff

That a ladybug would eat

But mostly she was just thirsty

On my lunch break

I scooped her up on a notecard

And stuck it in my pocket

I brought her out to the courtyard

And left her by the flowers

And i felt good about this

An office is a lifeless place

And though i may not save myself

I was able to save this ladybug

Ben 10

This past year i watched Ben 10

It’s a Cartoon Network show

About a ten year old boy named Ben

Who can turn into 10 aliens

And he goes across the country

In an RV with his grandpa and cousin

And he saves people and stuff

I hadn’t watched it since Sam died

We were obsessed with this show

We would watch every time we got together

Got all the toys and played with them

We would draw our own aliens

Mash them up together

I think at the core of our friendship

Was this show

All of our common interests

Could be funneled through Ben 10

We were probably 7 or 8

When it first aired

And then they made another series

When we were around 12 i think

And as we got older

We drifted and got weird

But there was always Ben 10

Always the way that it felt back then

I watched a movie a couple weeks ago

I Saw The TV Glow

(Which you should go see)

And it stirred something in me

Reminded me of myself

Made me think about Ben 10

Being little and getting obsessed

With pictures on the TV

So that when i remember Ben 10

I’m remembering more than that

When i watched it this year

I felt like i had two sets of eyes

And one of them was crying

snarl ii

Working

10 11 12 hour days again

And my headache is back

Never left

But it’s back again

And i can’t just

Tell my boss to fuck off

So I’m becoming angrier

Which is not healthy for me

Now i gotta stand on the train

Because i was at the office

From 6am to 6pm

And the train is full

I am so irritable

My coworker grabbed my shoulders

And looked at my phone

And i almost bit him

I almost had to put the dog down

I gotta quit my job

But i need money to live

And it’s so hard to job search

While you’re working 12 hour days

And you’re moving apartments

And paying for your sisters college

Registration fees

Because moneys tight again

Back home

And she’s freaking out

And the guy i emailed

About jobs

Won’t email me back

And I’m standing on the train

And i can’t stand still

And I’m getting angry

So if you saw me

You should know

Not to get too close

By my upper lip rescinding

To show my dull fangs

Which will draw blood nonetheless

If i don’t chill the fuck out soon

And that’s Tuesday this week

Love

temporal bathymetry

I can see it in your face

Your fathers face

Just waiting til the wrinkles form

Til the hair grays and recedes

Like parabolic motion

We can sense where

A projectile will land

Based on its current trajectory

And foreknowledge of gravity

In other words

We can see the future

In outlines like topography

Not certain not fact

Not detailed events

Just general shape

And your eyes

Are shaped like your fathers

Unmarred by the feet of crows

Or any other corvid

But these birds are flying south

From north of wherever you are

And you best believe

They will find a place to land

Long as you’re still here

Someday you’ll reach up

And touch your face

The rough winkled skin

Will feel like your fathers

If he ever let anyone touch him

You’ll be weathered differently

By different winds and tides

But you’ll look like him

For better or worse

bomb

I bombed at the open mic

But I’m better now

river road

If the road was a river

I am sure we’d have issues

With flooding and such

But consider this

You could walk along the water

All the way from the movie theater

To your apartment

In the cool shade of old trees

The crosswalks would be

Little bridges

The sidewalks lined with ferns

You would see all the people

You already see

But you’d also see more

Splashing in the river

Where the cars are now

You’d overhear them talking

About the same mundane things

And you’d also hear the birds

The constant flow of water

It would be the same place

But just with less concrete

And it would feel right

Like you’d been waiting on it

Instead of baking on asphalt

You’d be sheltered in a forest

If instead of this road

It was a river

EVERYTHING SUPER FOR GOD

Someone wrote in sharpie

Something on cardboard

Then it got all ripped

And folded up

And now it reads

EVERYTHING

SUPER

FOR GOD

So that’s what it means now

There’s a pair of shoes

Gray and dirty

Sitting in the bush

I have to imagine

Someone left them behind

Because one of those pairs

That hangs from the wire

Flew off and fell down

And they were really nice

So they took off their shoes

And swapped them up

For fancy shoes from the sky

There’s chicken bones

Littered up the stairs

And i guess someone ate good

Or a chicken grew new bones

And shed the old ones

To make room

For something stronger

I have to imagine

Because thats all i can do

chomper

I slipped on the bed

I hit my head

Knocked my tooth

Straight up the roof

Of my god damn mouth

My brother pushed me

I forgot that

He pushed me off

I used to let him

Do all the talking

It was easy

To say nothing

To be quiet

But one time

And i don’t even remember this

Somebody got too close

And i bit his finger

With my crooked teeth

And from then on

He called me Chomper

And he didn’t get too close

Now i speak for myself

Because my brother

Lives somewhere else

And when he speaks for me

He gets it wrong

So my mouth is used

Mostly now for talking

But if you get too close

You’d do well to remember

I still have teeth

And teeth are for biting

shift

If i ever have to dress

Business casual again

I’m gonna do it

But i won’t be happy

Any room

I can’t be wearing

My new cargo pant jeans

I don’t wanna be in

Same as this

Any room a dog can’t go in

I don’t want to go there

But rooms with money in it

Often have rules

About how to act

And what to do

To get the money

And I’ve grown worried

I might need money later

When the table turns

When the weather changes

When it starts to shift

So i put on a two button

Short sleeve collared shirt

That makes me feel like

Someone i read about

Not someone i am

And i pick up an extra shift

At the money room

Save it for later

When i was younger

They used to ask me

And i loved answering

What would i want

If i could have a power

Not just a power

But a super power

And id talk through it

Saying at first i would think

The power to fly

But quickly I’d realize

That’s not all i want

I want to shapeshift

And i could be a bird

I could fly all i want

I could change my shape

Be a fish or a worm or anything

And i think now

Most of us anyhow

Possess this ability

To change our shape

Only it happens slow

And I’ve seen myself

Shifting in all kinds of ways

But lately more and more

Into this business casual shape

Which i don’t recognize as me

And i can say all i want

This is just for now

This is just to get by

But getting by

Does not include

Not feeling like yourself

I saw a movie last week

Which reminded me

That time is precious

And it is possible

To shift into a shape

A shape that cannot shift

And get stuck that way

So i am renewed

To change into myself

With purpose and urgency

And if i have to leave

The money room

To look like me

Then so be it

My dog isn’t even in there

And it’s not the only way

Just the quickest

i have dreams when i go to sleep

Walking into a hotel

Right past the front desk

Telling those im with

To act like we already checked in

Standing in a courtyard

Milling about socializing

A Gary-like man

Muttering to me

Then speaking in French

To my conversation partner

I could tell he was talking shit

But i can’t speak French

Not even in dreams

So i tried to get someone

To translate for me

They all refused

So i fumed and woke

To my brother leaving

Slinking out the door

Early in the morning

Heading the Gary way

And i was mad at him for it

Then back to sleep

For more dreams

Of nothing in particular

new beast

When i encounter a new beast

I will either say hell yeah

Or i will react in fear

If i react with fear and disgust

I take a step back

I unlearn my biases

I work this beast into my worldview

I understand it as myself

I understand myself as it

I become the beast

And it becomes me

And then i say hell yeah

Watching monkey videos on YouTube

Or some such

piston cup

I need to go to

A doctor

A dentist

A different doctor

A tattoo artist

A psychiatrist

A masseuse

And a barber

But i wish they’d come to me

And fix me up

Like a nascar pit team

Bzzt bzzzt bzzt

Then im back on the road

I have such a hard time

Scheduling

So i think this would be best

Yeah

cliff notes

Gary was here

But he fell off

So i wrote this

Here on the ledge

Above the canyon

On his behalf

Rest in peace

Gary my friend

pull ups

I’m going this strange way

That i can’t really parse

It’s like walking backwards

Holding your arms behind you

And feeling around

For stuff to bump into

It’s like taking your shoes off

And walking through your house

At night with the lights off

Furniture where you don’t expect it

Like getting lost at a roundabout

Standing still and tripping

I didn’t think it’d be like this

When i thought about it earlier

Thought i was off the hook

But there’s more hooks than that

To get snagged and pulled on

There’s death over there

Run over in the alley

Getting eaten by flies

And that’s not something

You can sit around and wait on

You need to make busy

Find other stuff to do

While it sits in your stomach

Ready to waste you too

So I start doing pull ups

I watch the world move

Up and down and up and down

Hanging on the doorframe

At least I’m getting stronger

That’s all I can think now

At least I’m getting stronger

On this strange way I’m going

Thursday night show

I’ve got a pact with the drummer

That I’m gonna bob my head

Down when she kicks it

And up in the pause between

I’m doing my best

To fall in love with the bassist

But somebody’s head

Is getting in the way

It’s hard in the prelude

Going to a show alone

But i love looking up at stage

I feel like

I’m doing what I'm supposed to

I bought two tickets

And forgot to invite anyone

Not that i had many options

But it would’ve been nice

Im getting pretty good at it

Going alone

I set a goal

To talk to two people

Other than the bartender

And not counting the bouncer

Who recognized me

From another bar i frequent

I think i managed four

That’s pretty good

I thought about

Riding my bike to the show

Couldn’t make up my mind

But was vindicated

In taking the bus

When i walked out the venue

Walked half a block

Then the rain came

So fucking much of it

Pouring

I was soaked in a minute

Stood completely drenched

At the bus station

Chatting with some guy

Got on the bus

And wondered why

I don’t take the bus that much

It’s pretty good actually

Better than taking forever

Walking or on a train

Going the wrong way

It was a good night

But i got shit to do tomorrow

So sweet dreams

Xoxo ttyl

as you were

Great bird

Screeching metal

Coming at you

Pick you up

To the top of the hill

Drop you on your head

And you go spilling down

Avalanching

Picking up dirt and bruises

Growing in diameter

Carving a path

Smooth mud to the bottom

Where the slope tapers

You start losing speed

Crashing through fences

Mailboxes and the like

Tumbling forward

Til you come to rest

Right were you started

As you were

shuffle

Huh

There’s a joker in the deck

And nobody knows how to use it

Nobody here at the table

Knows any card games with jokers

I thought we got rid of it last time

But every time we shuffle

There he pops up again

Maybe we can learn

Or we can set it aside

Until inevitably it comes up again

It’s strange

Having jokers in the deck

Just something you deal with

From time to time

The Dud

Of all the people in the world

All the faces and bodies there are

The one you had to get stuck with

Is the one we call

The Dud

The Dud is like warm water

It’s perfectly fine to drink

But if we’re being honest

It’s nobody’s favorite flavor

Nobody’s cup of tea

The Dud is where you live now

When you look in the mirror

You will see The Dud and sigh

It’s not beautiful or ugly

But it’s loathsome to the eye

The Dud is just a body

Bodies are like snowflakes

Yet there must be boring snowflakes

Worth melting down with salt

Somewhere in the blizzard

There must be a dud

The Dud is like a rainbow

Dependent on the weather

The angle that you’re looking

Position of the sun

The Dud is like a rainbow

Illusory and damp

The Dud is what we call it

When you don’t like yourself

You don’t like taking pictures

Don’t like buying clothes

Nothing you can help

You got a case of The Dud

The Dud is a condition

A mindset you can shake

Work out and get a haircut

Try out some new clothes

But after all your trying

You’ll always come back

To The Dud

you can take a horse

You can take a horse to water

You can lift a cup to his lips

You can tilt his head back gently

You can run your hand along his throat

You can stroke his mane and whisper

Drink up you big thirsty horse

You can take a horse swimming

You can have a splash fight with him

You can get some in your eye

You can get upset when he keeps splashing

You can say stop it seriously

You can huff and puff and swim away

You can forgive the horse

You can smile at the horse

You can apologize to the horse

You can go back to how things were

You can swim until the sun sets

You can take the horse on a date

You can go to a fancy restaurant

You can watch him eat spaghetti

You can sit back and watch him

You can push your fork around your plate

You can say you aren’t that hungry

You can ask the horse about his day

You can laugh and laugh and laugh

You can go home with the horse

You can horse around in bed

You can wake up shirtless

You can turn to the horse

You can ask him what this means

You can sleep without an answer

You can fall in love with the horse

You can move in with the horse

You can get married on the beach

You can change your last name to Horse

You can settle in to domestic life

You can watch the horse get older

You can watch the flame go out

You can take a horse for granted

You can forget how much you need him

You can long for something different

You can be dismissive and withdrawn

You can come home after work

You can hardly speak a word

You can get mad for no reason

You can start yelling out of nowhere

You can ball your fists in anger

You can fall silent for a moment

You can cry and cry and cry

You can beg the horse for forgiveness

You can promise you’ll do better

You can come home to an empty house

You can lose yourself without him

You can fall down on your knees

You can fill yourself with liquor

You can cry yourself to sleep

You can take a horse to water

But you can not make him drink

appy irthday

I flew on a plane on earth day

And i didn’t have a window seat

So i closed my eyes to it

I needed to get home

From my trip to the city

One flight of many flights

Thoughtless in the clouds

I can’t help thinking

The earth is changing

And this is why

It worries me

So i close my eyes to it

This little pebble

Earf

It has not been like this long

It was lava

It was oceans

It was ice age

It was forests

It was one big island

Then for a little bit

It was my home

It was where everyone i know

Was born and died

It was the only place for me

And it is changing

It will be something else soon

And i don’t know what

Other than

It won’t be my home

Not the one i recognize

And that scares me

So i close my eyes to it

And fall asleep

On the plane

In the sky

On earth day

statement

On behalf of bugleague

And the rest of

The Bugleague Foundation

We would like to

Sincerely apologize

To all French

For the statements made

By bugleague this morning

About how you suck

These statements

Do not represent the values

We try to uphold here

And were made hastily

In jest

But in poor taste

If you can find it

In your puny French hearts

To forgive us

We will do everything we can

To make this right

Moving forward

Thank you

And god bless

hater

One problem i got

With the way people act

we didn’t invent music we discovered it

I had a dream

That the hail played guitar

Like the spanish do

Hung on my back

It played flamenco

As the ice pelted steel

The music cut out

So i could give my one liner

Then it came back hard

Eagerly waiting to kick in

I slept almost 12 hours

And the whole time

I was hearing this music

That i can’t hear now

I just know it sounded

Like hail playing guitar

the infinite sweet

A bottomless barrel

Drip drip collecting

The sweetest nectar

You could ever taste

If you were brave you could

Dive in and swim through

The thick golden liquid

Mouth open swallowing

It will splash and overflow

But there is no less of it

The infinite sweet

The more of it there is

And it’s light as air

You could throw the barrel

Confidently to your shoulder

Go bounding to your love

Crack the barrel open

Scoop with your hands

Taste this isn’t it just

Incredible you say

And there’s more

Always more

Where that came from

Enough for all and more

new york

New York

Is quite big

You could walk and walk

In manhattan

And still be walking

There are tall buildings

And so many people

These are all things

You may imagine

You may read about it

And when you go

You’ll say yes

That is certainly true

There’s a lot to do

It may cause you

To forget the feeling

Of walking all alone

Down a dead silent street

You may fall into the crowd

Flowing like honey

Down the street

You may ignore

The words of strangers

Because there are so many

You could find yourself here

For some time at least

But after awhile

You blend into the city

You’re not in it you are it

And that’s not for everyone

But it is nice

To have a place

You belong in

when i get a horse

When i get a horse

I will ride it

And get where im bound

Much faster than walking

It’s somebody to talk to

To listen to my whistle

On the long road

From over here

To over there

When i get a horse

First i will learn to ride it

It may take some doing

I never had a horse before

Never rode one either

Except for years ago

Pony ride at the park

But i was two feet tall

I don’t think that counts

As experience

When i get a horse

We will have to trust each other

I will feed and brush him

Take him out in the field

Where he can gallop

When I’m sitting still

I will tell him all my secrets

Horses are known

For keeping secrets

We will do trust falls

We will do ice breakers

We’ll become real friends

When i get a horse

I’ll never drive again

A horse is like a car

It’s what we used to have

Before we had cars

If you can believe it

I’ll have to add a horn

Other than that

A horse has got it all

Plus it’s alive

A car is dead dead dead

That’s not how i get around

When i get a horse

I will take good care of him

He will take care of me

I will make a clicking sound

From the corner of my mouth

And he will know what it means

I will tie him out front

And he will know I’m coming back

We will ride through the hills

Feel the morning dew

Blowing through our manes

That’s the kind of thing

I want to do

When i get a horse

my hair

I don’t know when it happened

Some time after i had a buzz cut

But before it got long

My hair became an identifier

Other people recognized me by it

I got nicknames for it

That’s the kind of thing

Only way to go

Is roll with it

So i have and it’s working so far

If i went bald I’d prolly die

But i have a plan to avoid this

Lately my hair is

Longer than ever

And I’ve been getting

Even more comments

From the peanut gallery

I’ve gotten a few double takes

In the men’s room at the office

This leaves me grinning

One guy said oops wrong room

Ha ha fool

There is no wrong room to shit in

I just have good hair

My well meaning

Annoying coworker

Has several times

Said i have Game of thrones hair

Today he told me

I look like i could be a hero

Like i could wear a cape like Thor

And wield a mighty weapon

He said this to me and then

He said

I mean this as a compliment

He doesn’t have the spine

To be insulting to me

So i tell him i know and thank you

Guy outside Walgreens last month

Called me young lady

I was also getting a fit off

That’s important to note

He told me god bless you

When i gave him some change

A while back a guy on the street

Asked me how long it took me

To grow it out

He was balding himself

I said i don’t know man

It just grows all on its own

I don’t even have to try

I’m thinking of getting it cut soon

Just a clean up cut

Then back to growing

Only now it’s longer

Than i ever had before

One thing I’m bad at

Is describing what i want

This goes for haircuts especially

I could use a psychic barber

A nice lady who will look in my eyes

And see the vision I’ve got

Of a really cool haircut

Idk that’s all

I got to say on hair

and another thing

I would just love to have my time back

Im only gonna live so long

And of that short life

I’ve only got a decade or so

Before shit starts getting dicey

Before it’s hot enough in summer

To kill a man

Before the conflict

Which is always bubbling

Comes to rest at my feet

And i have no time for leisure

I have no time left to waste

And when i reach this appointed hour

Do you really think

I will be happy having spent

The most precious hours

Of the most precious years

Of my dwindling life

Making money for a corporation

I don’t know how to solve this

How to address the conundrum

It is in fact

A necessity of living

That someone is able to

Derive profit from your existence

But i am stewing on it

Once again

Because i got home late

Too tired to enjoy my life

That registers to me

As a crime

Deserving retribution

But all i can do

Is show up to work tomorrow

Waah waah baby cry about it

Yeah i think i will

If nothing else

I will allow myself

To feel indignant

work con

At a work conference

Yesterday and today

I must quit my job

I must become unemployed

For a month or more

I don’t feel like me anymore

baby noir

I was born in the gutter

I’m speaking figuratively here

Born to my only mother

At the hospital on Gutter Street

No silver spoon graced my lips

My spoon was made of tin

A cheap kind of metal

You could scrape with a fingernail

The doctor took one look at me

He said you’re no good kid

Told me to kick rocks can you believe it

My dear old mom told me it’s time

I started pitching in around here

So i get a job pinching wallets

Before long i find myself

Staring at the wrong side

Of some rusty iron bars

Doing time for doing crime

The officer, tall guy

Skin gray and mottled

He was a no nonsense kind of guy

He picks me up

By the scruff of my neck

Strikes a match and lights a smoke

A deep voice finds its way

Through his thick black mustache

He says listen here kiddo

You’re gonna straighten up

You hear?

From now on you work for me

So i get to working the beat

I take to it quick

Yeah I’m tough on crime

But you best believe

It’s a helluva lot tougher on me

I’m boasting bruised ribs

Busted knees loose teeth

These crooks mean business

And it’s a rough business

For a baby boy like me

Only about as old

As the milk in the fridge

Which just expired

But it dont bother me none

Life is too short

To spend licking your wounds

I’ve got cases to solve

Crooks to bust

Debt to pay

And a beautiful dame on my mind

To keep me warm at night

knuckle sandwich

Here’s the recipe

Slice of bread

White

We don’t use that brown bread

They say is good for you

Go get that

Classic sandwich bread

Mayonnaise

Slice of turkey

Another slice of turkey

Cheddar cheese slice

Too much salami

Thick cut

Like the deli owner

Sucks at his job

I’m talking real thick

And too much of it

This sandwich

At this point

Should be mostly salami

A slice of Monterey Jack

Another cheddar slice

Baby spinach

Overflowing

One slice of tomato

So thin it’s hardly there

And a thick slice of onion

Then

Cottage cheese

Trust me on this

Cottage cheese

Salt and pepper it

Spill a little pickle juice on it

DONT ADD PICKLES

Just a little juice on there

Shredded cheese

The kind you use for tacos

Couple more salami

Just for the hell of it

Toast the top bread only

Spread butter on it

Squish it down

Using both hands

On the counter top

Sweep up the crumbs

And chow down

A knuckle sandwich

Just like mom used to make

It’ll knock your fucking teeth out

sunday

Had kind of an awesome week

Monday eclipse

Tuesday i woke up at 3AM

and had a bad morning

But somehow turned it around

Had a great day at work

Wednesday was chill

Talked to uncle altoid

Got groceries

Thursday after work

After my coworker gave me a cookie

I went to the Gladie

Sidney Gish

Jeff Rosenstock concert

Got drunk and danced

Had fun

Realized that i actually

Think Jeff rosenstock is annoying

And left early

So i got a decent nights sleep

Worked on Friday

Since i took of Monday

Went to a new bar

Id been meaning to check out

Didn’t do much socializing

Besides with the bartender

But i get credit for trying

And i texted some people

I want to hang out with soon

While i ate my Taco Bell

Solid night

Saturday i cleaned the bathroom

Did my laundry

And went on a really long bike ride

Along the lake

Farther than I’ve been before

Talked to some guy

Who complimented my bike

Bought lunch for some guys

Hanging out by the lake

And talked to another biker

When we both almost got hit

By a big damn car

Finished filing my taxes

Except i still have to mail them in

Which seems stupid

Today (Sunday)

I packed a lunch and

Rode my bike to the lake

Ate and read some of my book

Then came home

I’m gonna chill for a bit

Then figure out how to mail my taxes

I don’t have a damn printer

That’s why i filed them online

Fucking stupid

Anyways i had a great week

And it has reminded me

All it takes is good weather

For me to be happy

we live in divine sunlight

My work crush

Gave me a cookie

An extra cookie she bought

And she put her hand

On my shoulder

And said here’s a cookie

So that’s awesome

It is such a blessing

To be alive

dream of some stranger

In my dream we were in love

We took a bath with our clothes on

My mom asked you for advice

We were gonna go to a concert

We were gonna dance

But i was feeling sad

So you held me

And i woke up instead

mine

Gold rush

Canary in my mouth

Soot on my hands, face

That’s how it goes

Down in mine

A solid wall of rock

Will soon be tunnel

Open to walk in

And down down

Towards gems

And precious metals

Mine all mine

All the time

You’ll get lost

Choke on stale air

Confused in dark

It’s not yours

It’s mine

Hammer

Pickaxe

Shovel

Boring drill

My tools

They are mine

And what they make

Is mine

And what they destroy

Mine aswell

It’s mine

All mine

All to me

Mine

pome

The true idea

Can only ever be

Approximated

Maybe you get better at words

And you can get closer

It’s like measuring the coastline

There is always more nuance

More complexity than you bargained for

A map of your hometown

Represented as a rectangle

Seems like some other town

And maybe it means something

Close to what the real thing does

But your town isn’t made of lines

It’s made of air and concrete

Trees and glass and steel

Dogs and cats and birds

And a lot of peoples hearts

As well as the rest of them

The true thing

Cannot be printed flat on paper

Or even on a globe

It’s as big as itself

And ideas are like that too

But the real thing is

Three dimensional

On a fourth dimensional

Sliding temporal scale

Only way to get the whole thing

Is from inside the thing

So sometimes write

The same thing twice

See if you can measure out

A few more bumps in the coast

At the edge of your town

Which isn’t a rectangle

phone home

You look at your phone

A light in your hand

And you think that someone is there

But a person is bigger than a phone

Ten times as big at least

So that can’t be possible

You can’t put a big thing

On the inside of a small thing

They tried that once

And guess what happened

It overflowed

So when you look at your phone

And you talk to it

And you touch it and think about it

Remember that nobody’s inside

All the people are in their bodies

Walking about the world

Weird

dream

Here’s a weird one

I had a new apartment on a busy street. There was a knock at the door and five women standing there trying to push their way in. They seemed confused and offended that i did not want them to come inside. They kept trying to convince me to let them in, pushing inwards until one broke through. Now I’m chasing them down saying you have to leave NOW. and they’re in the back room when the front door opens again and in walk my two bosses from my job. And i had been expecting them i guess. So somehow i grab all five of these wild women in my house and shop them out the front door. And i am greeted by my friend E who is evidently with these women. And i start shouting at her. I’m like you’re blowing up my spot, you’re ruining this opportunity for me (of my bosses to come over i guess?) and i got really serious and slammed the door. Then i went back to my bosses and looked around and saw how much of a mess it was inside. I’m cleaning up pizza boxes and stuff and trying to save face, I’m telling them these people were totally random and unexpected, isn’t that crazy. And I’m doing work talk with them until i look out the window and see that there are many groups of women going from house to house and they just go inside and take all the alcohol from the place. It’s like trick or treating but for drunk women. And I’m still confused by it but now i have the feeling that i am the one who has done something wrong. My ex texts me out of the blue telling me i shouldn’t have acted like that and i should really apologize. Which of course makes me angry and dig my heels in. A lot of moving pieces in this dream, and i can tell where a lot of them came from. Conflict between work and my social life. The stress of moving. Feeling wrong and out of place. These are existing themes in my brain. But they came together in a weird and vivid way last night. Anyways i think we should make my dream holiday real. One day a year where you have to give all the alcohol in your house to random women parading about.

big house

The inside of my house is huge

It is massive really

I’ve got floors for hours

Rooms for days

You could get lost in there

You really could get lost in there

The outside of my house is normal

It’s a nice house

But pretty normal

It has square windows

Rectangle doors

And a triangle roof

A child could draw it

And they have

In one of the rooms inside

There’s a table with paper and crayons

And there’s another room

Called a Kitchen

Where drawings hang on the fridge

The most recent one

Shows the house

With a tree in the yard

And the sun in the corner

And behind the window

On the second floor

A smiling face

A face that knows

How big this house is inside

I lose stuff in here all the time

I can’t even find the room

I thought that thing was in

I’m paying out my nose

For a dozen or so contractors

Any time the plumbing craps out

I’m hemorrhaging cash on this property

This big fucking house

That’s normal on the outside

Not much curb appeal

If i ever wanted to sell

Can’t list this shit on Zillow

This is my big house

And I’m dying in it

Probably turning ghost

Can’t find my way to heaven

Because this house is so big

You could get lost in it

You really could

commuter crush

I have a new crush

We have the exact same commute

And work one building apart

Every time I’m waiting for the train

She comes over and waits next to me

Today we sat right next to each other

Bumping together around the bends

This is the same girl who months ago

Kept smiling at me and i said nothing

Today i woke up late

Got a train 30 min later than usual

And yet there she was

And there were two open seats

So there we were

And still i could not

Would not

Get the courage to speak to her

So i let it draw out

Til we got off at the same stop

Til she followed my lead to the office

Til i saw my opportunity

At the double doors to inside

To hold the door and smile

And say hi

And my heart is pounding

Because speaking is terrifying

She says thanks

Then holds the next door for me

And then we part at the elevator

And this is thrilling to me

In many ways pathetic

I don’t know her name

But i know i will see her again

And that’s fun

Maybe next time we will talk

Probably it will take me some time

I’m more of a slow burn guy

In that

I am terrified of talking to people

So i gotta build momentum

This is the magic

Of riding the train to work

pants

In the last few months

I lost about 25 pounds

I don’t know where i put them

That’s why they’re lost

Thing is

I look and feel

Just about the same

To my own eyes

Only change is

My pants don’t fit anymore

I own two sets of pants

Because this happens

Every couple years

I bloom and i wither

So now i cinch my belt

Waistband looping over itself

When I’m wearing my big pants

The ones i feel comfortable in

That I’ve been wearing all year

But yesterday i noticed

They don’t look like

They belong to me

They’re baggy in the wrong way

So i got out my old jeans

That i haven’t worn in months

Because last time i tried

It hurt me to squeeze them on

They’re still a little snug

But closer to the size of me

Than swimming in the big pants

I don’t know what to make of it

But i own two sets of pants

the empty room

I want to go back to the empty room

Glowing red in its emptiness

An extra empty spot in the middle

Waiting for me to stand there

I’d throw a bottle at the wall

And it’d make the glass breaking sound

But the shards just fade out

When they hit the floor

So i can dance around barefoot

As much as you can call this dancing

Around the nothing on the floor

Nothing leaning on the wall

No windows looking out or in

Just the sourceless red glow

Casting no shadows at all

I would invite you in but

Then it would cease to be empty

The second you stepped inside

We’d find ourselves in a different room

With broken glass on the floor

Blood all over the place

From where I’d been dancing

Clutter in the corners

All of the nothing gone

All of the empty filled

So I’d probably shove you

Back through the door you came through

And go back to the empty room

Where I’ve been all along

log

Every time you go computer

I put a log on the fire

Every time you make “AI art”

I put a log on the fire

Every time you drive to work

I put a log on the fire

Every time you fly on a plane

I put a log on the fire

Every time you build a house

I put a log on the fire

Every time you eat a burger

I put a log on the fire

Every time you fart

I put a log on the fire

Every time you smoke a cig

I put a log on the fire

Every time you leave the lights on

I put a log on the fire

Every time you let the faucet run

I put a log on the fire

Every time you light a fire

I put a log on the fire

How long, do you think

It will be before

The forest is gone

lover

In casual conversation

I’m referring to my friends

As “my lover”

Because:

I love them

And they love me back

But

It’s making me seem like

A weird kind of person

Who has a crazy amount of sex

That’s okay

It’s important to love

And to be honest about it

Words are too small

For the bigness of love

In all of its colors

But i gotta try

That’s my secret

I’m in love all the time

All the time

dream

In my dream

Among the disconnected threads

One place i went

Was to a museum

With my good friends I & L

And we came into this hall

That had AI generated art

And I was ranting about it

I said

There’s nothing more to perceive here

Than a quick glance

There is nothing to gain

From looking at this image

No intent behind it

It looks like nothing to me

It looks like static

And then we went into the next room

And there was a big multimedia work

Of Winnie the Pooh

With his belly out

And i was like

Now this is awesome

This is real art

Then i went to a train station

That doesn’t exist

Where the blue and red lines intersect

And I’d been there before

In some other dream

Kept riding up and down

Escalators leading nowhere

Saw my freshman roommate

Then i think i was with my sister

Riding a tandem bike

But it was vertical

I saw some people

I haven’t seen in a decade

And they kissed my cheeks

It was strange and nice

Lately almost every morning

I wake up with a song in mind

And only rarely

Is it one that i heard recently

Whatever reminded me of it

Is lost to me by the time my eyes open

mona lisa

My family all drew Mona Lisa

And all of their drawings

Look like the person who drew it

I saw it right away

That’s how I learned to draw

It’s the face that i know best

So anybody i draw

Winds up looking

A lot like how i draw myself

I think it’s awesome

Mona.jpg

the bug show

I was probably 10 or 11

And i saw the movie

The Truman Show

And it really fucked with me

Unsettled my reality

When i looked in the mirror

Getting out of the shower

I felt watched

And after checking for cameras

After a few weeks

I calmed down

But that feeling

Never really went away

When i see myself

I feel watched

And i do not like it

Everywhere i go

Faces in the mirror

Eyeballs on doorbells

When i walk into the office

I glare at the security camera

I do not like being watched

Much less by machines

So many machines

Whose primary purpose

Is just to watch me

It does not help the feeling

The paranoia

The self-consciousness

But Jim Carrey did it

And so can I

So i smile into the camera

And i put on a show

Like everything’s normal

Like I’m not being watched

I talk from my butt like Ace Ventura

I say “Somebody Stop Me!” Like The Mask

I do Mister Poppers Penguins

I do Eternal Sunshine

I shouldn’t have done that one

It bummed me out

I do The Grinch

I do Bruce Almighty

Dumb and Dumber

Yes Man

Sonic the Hedgehog

I do Batman Forever

Me, Myself & Irene

And I’m not looking I’m not looking

But i think they’re liking it

All the watching eyes

cars

There’s so many cars

When i stand still

And watch them fly by

It scares me

It really fucking scares me

There’s so many of them

I don’t want to get in the car

I don’t wanna get inside

Not anymore

And thats a problem

Because they’re everywhere

The only way to get where you’re going

Pixar’s Cars is a horror movie to me

What happened to all the people

What did they do to all the people

Oh god

uppercut

There is garbage in the ocean

I say

Clenching my fists

I just keep repeating

Like that would change anything

There is garbage in the ocean

And i put it there

And i can’t get it out

What the hell is the point

Of ducking through this maze

Brandishing a dagger

Pressing the blade to the thick hide

Of a beast which will not bleed

There is garbage in the ocean

And it’s coming for me

To drag me down and choke me

Plastic ring around my neck

I’m about to start punching

Striking out randomly

There has got to be a face

A strong chin i can strike

There’s nothing wrong with violence

It’s just bad manners

The hands can say

A lot more than a mouth can manage

There is garbage in the ocean

And you can’t talk it out

So I’m running around yelling

There’s garbage in the ocean

And punching everyone i see

Because it’s everyone’s garbage

It’s all of their faults

And i see them with their garbage

No doubt bound for open water

And i can’t stop it

My hands are full with plastic

That i have no place for

My hands smell like fish blood

Whatever that smells like

There is garbage in the ocean

I wish it was just one guy

A guy called Mister Garbage

And I’d knock on his door

He opens it up and

Uppercut uppercut uppercut

Spin kick body slam curb stomp

Then it would be over

There’s something in me

That just wants to fight

But all my enemies are

Ubiquitous systems of cruelty

With no big face

No frontman to beat up

Nothing I can win against

Not with knuckles and brawn

There’s garbage in the ocean

And i wish i could punch it

ok so

Made a new work friend!

We have trauma bonded fr

That’s awesome

Despite the trauma

daily affirmations

I gotta quit my job

nobody knows

What’s at the bottom of the ocean

Nobody knows

We can’t breathe underwater

All the guys who tried

Drownded :(

So there’s no telling

What’s down there

Could be another ocean

For all we know

More dense and dark than water

Full of alien life

Slithering through the inky black

Could be there’s monsters

Giant hungry monsters

That eat whales in one bite

Slurp squids like spaghetti

Feed on fish by the school

Could be there’s

A big scary face down there

Smiling and staring up at you

I hope not

But we just don’t know

We can’t get down there

It’s too far to swim

It’s too dark to see

Nobody knows

What’s at the bottom of the ocean

Nobody knows

two beers

The woeful story

Of a man who drank

Two beers

He sat down at the table

Drank one beer

And then a second

And everything became easy

As if before there had been

Inches and inches of skull

Between his brain and body

Now he was right in the drivers seat

No forethought no anxiety

Just the thrill of two beers

He was better at pool

He was better at talking

He was better at everything

But then he had a third beer

And it all went away

Now he was just drunk

And that can be fun

But not transformative

Not in the way two beers is

Two beers is a sacred sacrament

Taps you into the lifeblood

Brings you into the world

Three beers is nothing

Nothing but what beer is made of

He got caught up

In the beauty of two beers

And in his hubris

He flew too close

To the third beer

And came crashing back down

Take heed of this warning

Remember the power

Of drinking exactly two beers

the best

I’d be playing guitar

And think

I want to be the best at guitar

Or likewise

The best at drawing

The best at writing

The best of all at something

Well maybe that’s a dumb thing

A thing not worth thinking

Out of all the stuff in the world

Out of all the thing-doers

You’d like to be the best?

How boring

How neat and tidy

Number one up on top

Being a life is all about

And here’s where i say

What it’s all about:

Trying to cram a universe-sized thing

Inside of a head-sized thing

Making peace with the chaos

And riding it out

So in keeping with chaos

I think it’s best to be just okay

To whittle with mediocrity

Rising and falling

Somewhere in the midst of it all

It is fun to be sloppy

And there can be no best

Not at this not at nothing

That would require order

Presupposing hierarchy

Which there can not be

Not down here in the mess

Breathe in and out slowly

Take the compressed universe

Out from inside your head-vice

And funnel it into creation

Write some words

Play some strings

Draw some lines

You want to be the best at creation?

Not even god could do that

So he made all the creatures

To crawl around and create

Of which you are one

Of which there can be no best

Of these disparate desperate

Claw-footed creatures

Moaning into the night

Howling at the empty sky

The best thing to do

Is to join in

There is no best note in a song

No best voice in a choir

No best cell in the body

I’d be playing guitar and think

Somehow this is indicative

Of a larger eternal struggle

That i cannot play that chord

I would not rob myself of that beauty

To be the best at anything

interface

The body is a vehicle

Self expands out

From the folds of the mind

To head and chest

Arms hands legs and feet

This is You now

And if you climb on your bike

You can reach out further

You can not feel them

But the wheels become you

Your sense of self includes them

Part bike part body

Bike prosthesis

This is You now

And it seems it wouldn’t end

If you put your mind in a machine

Miles of wires and metal

Tendrils reaching outward

The mind would understand

Push out its walls

All the way out

Until it reached the world

And all those systems

Sensors and networks

Like fingers on your mind-hand

This is You now

The mind and the self

Are malleable things

Your body an interface

Connective tissue

Between the world

And the thing that understands it

new grandpa

I made a new grandpa

He’s a sweet old man

Who loves his wife

His kids and grandkids

He likes sitting on the porch

He likes closing his eyes

And listening

He likes to drink beer

He likes his two old dogs

Which he feeds from the table

He’s working in the shed today

He runs his old worn hands

Along the edge of the wood

Before he flips the saw on

And cuts it to size

He takes his time

There is no rush at all

He is a patient man

Who thinks before speaking

He loves watching the sunrise

Dew on the grass in the morning

He doesn’t understand you

But that only makes him smile

He says roots are meant to sprout

Grow away from the seed

Then he hums a song

That you never heard

He doesn’t seem to notice

It just comes to him naturally

Behind his big gray mustache

I made up this grandpa

But that doesn’t mean

He isn’t real

working from home

I set a weight down on my keyboard

And crawl back into bed

I’ve opened all the windows

So i can listen to the rain

I’m watching Columbo

And drawing in my notebook

I have created peace today

And the fools are paying me for it

Ha!

ducky says

Ducky teaches

At the School of Infinite Liberation

She tells me

As long as there is one man

With hands bound

We are all prisoners

As long as any animal

Is born in a cage

We will all be savage beasts

We’re always as far

As we ever have been

From freedom and justice

We can not be human

She says

Until we have paid our debt

Ducky says

She’ll never marry her wife

Because it is a sin

To appeal to authority

Her wife smiles while she’s ranting

Pacing back and forth

At the house party

Chuckling at the correlation

Between drinks consumed

And the volume of her voice

She carries her home

Runs fingers through her hair

Laying in bed staring at the ceiling

She whispers

Ducky I love you

I’ll see you in the morning

Ducky doesn’t work

She says work is for The Man

She’s always taking about The Man

She started saying it ironically

Years and years ago

Now it’s just vocabulary

She cuts her own hair

And when she messes up

Her wife fixes it

Kisses her on the forehead

And gets hair in her mouth

Sputters to spit it out

Ducky starts spitting too

Because it’s fun to spit she says

We’re spitting at The Man now

Taking back what’s ours

Ptoo! Ptoo!

I’m all out of spit

I gotta borrow yours c’mere

Then they run around the house

Cackling and spitting

Ducky says

It’s a long long way off

But we’re going to win

She promised me it’s true

That in the end there is justice

All of this will end happy

Sooner or later

That’s the way of things

Ducky smiles and slaps my back

She says don’t you worry pal

We’re making progress

We just gotta keep on forever

It’s easier than stopping

Then she grabs my face

And tries to make it smile

With handfuls of cheek she says

There that’s better

Which makes me laugh

And i smile for real

She says

Keep your chin up

Your eyes open

Your arms wide

Your knees bent

And we’ll get through this

It’s gonna be alright

It’s all gonna be alright

That’s what Ducky says