💾 Archived View for tilde.team › ~mathpunk › journal › grooveback.gmi captured on 2024-05-26 at 15:22:43. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content
⬅️ Previous capture (2023-11-14)
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GUESS WHO'S BACK!
It's no secret that 2023 was a terrible fucking year for me. I failed math, even though math is like, a central part of my identity, and appropriately, I was left not really knowing who I am or what I want. My grandfather died, on my birthday, and I didn't get to say goodbye, and I'll probably be carrying the regret for the rest of my life. I injured my back in a way that still hasn't healed - I'm in pain even now, as I'm writing this. I'm meant to go to physiotherapy for it, but who knows how long it could take until I start seeing improvement. It isn't a major injury, but it is very painful and it does impact my mobility. As a result of how disastrous everything was, my anxiety has been probably the worst it's ever been in my entire life. Also, I fucking got COVID and was genuinely more sick than I've ever been. Like, disconnected-from-reality levels of sick. It was fucked. This has been the worst year of my life, without question.
I haven't written anything here in quite a few months. I'm writing now cause I want to say: I got my fucking groove back, baby.
Don't get me wrong, things aren't perfect. I'm retaking math, but they changed the way the course is structured in a way that means I have to ask for accomodations I didn't need to ask for last year, and there's a good chance I don't get said accomodations. My back still hurts every day, but it's getting better. Things aren't perfect, but over the last few months I've done a lot of grieving and processing and laying-in-bed-staring-at-the-wall and now I feel like I can handle being in the world again instead of not wanting to deal with anything ever.
I kinda wanted to talk more about it and what's changed, but the more I think about it, the more I think I just... needed the time to grieve. I couldn't be angry for quite a long time. It's weird to say it, but I'm pretty strongly motivated by anger. Not always directed at people, but more at the fact that shit sucks. I get into a very "I will make my life better even if I have to wring a better future out of the very fabric of the universe itself" mindset. This year sucked because I couldn't be angry. Now I can be again. So, I'm pretty much "back to normal" in that regard.
I've been trying to make a habit of journaling every day. I think it's been helping. I discovered Logseq a few days ago and I've been writing 4-8 hours a day since then, as I'm going through the honeymoon phase that I always do with a new tool. I've decided to give myself a week to explore Logseq and what it can do, and after that I'll have a better idea of what this tool can do for me. So far, though, I'm really vibing with the "braindump everything into the daily journal, organize it with bidirectional links" workflow. I think this might be the only journaling/notetaking program that hasn't felt like it was fighting me. We'll see if that continues. Until Logseq, I was journaling with plaintext files, and I can always just go back to that if it doesn't work out.
Hopefully the fact that I'm writing more in general means that I'll write more here, as well. I just wanted to write a quick update to let people know I am doing better. Things are getting better. Shit still sucks, but I've regained the ability to care about working towards something better. Thank you for reading.