💾 Archived View for gemini.sensorstation.co › ~winduptoy › journal.success.gmi captured on 2024-05-26 at 14:35:12. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content
⬅️ Previous capture (2023-12-28)
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
2023-10-08
I've been going through a spiritual turmoil lately.
I decided long ago to forego a career in engineering. I was pretty good at math and science in school and my dad was an engineer, but I decided that the commitment wasn't worth it when my heart was calling me elsewhere. Film school was one direction I considered, but I ended up studying graphic design in college. I have no regrets about pursuing this career, as I did gain some degree of financial success and independence, but it ushered me into the world of commerce and I've let the artist in me atrophy.
My parents set high expectations of me because I was capable of achieving them: I should chase the money, kiss ass where necessary, climb the ladder. Although I consciously understood that I wasn't interested in doing things their way, I'm now realizing that I applied that same pressure in my own terms. I felt compelled to put my skills towards making a difference in the world. When I looked back on every year that goes by without progress towards a major noteworthy accomplishment, I could hear the clock ticking a little louder than before. What will I have to hang my hat on one day?
As I get older my hope for correcting or improving the world around me is dwindling. I used to imagine myself as a small contributing piece of a world of strong people working towards a common goal. Now I see myself as an insignificant bystander in a sad world of insanity and entropy.
Why should I pressure myself to make a tangible improvement on the world when the insanity and entropy are always going to outpace me? There is more to the human condition than toiling away and ending up disappointed in yourself every time. I want to enjoy more of the art in life. Take myself less seriously. Pursue the abstract, weird, silly, and the stuff that has no place in the Western definition of success.