💾 Archived View for alioop.flounder.online › motherhood › 3months.gmi captured on 2024-05-26 at 14:36:06. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content
⬅️ Previous capture (2023-09-28)
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
she wears size 1 diapers now
they contain things much better
now that she is bigger.
she no longer wears newborn-sized clothing
but 0–3 months
or just 3 months.
so strange that
there is now numerical proof
that she is growing
that she is changing
not a sweet caressing word like “newborn”
or “preemie”
but simply a number
“1”
“3M”
with no emotion behind the label.
what could they call it instead?
size wiggles
size smiles-so-big-you-can’t-stand-it
size fist-in-mouth
size chuckles-almost-laughing
size cuter-every-day
i guess these would all apply to more sizes than her current size
but still
there is so much behind that “3M”
what has changed?
her eyelashes are even longer—
teardrops get caught in them
like dew on a spider’s web.
she has grown back the hair she had lost on her crown, and
the clockwise swirl of her hair on the back of her head
has grown thicker—
a tiny hurricane gaining strength.
it is light brown, getting darker,
soft and straight and perhaps a tinge of red,
if the light catches it just right.
her cheeks and her neck and her arms and her thighs are all a little chubbier
with rolls that beg for squeezes and kisses.
her cupid’s bow mouth is still the same
her little seashell ears
the shape of her fingers
her big feet
where fuzzies seem to grow between the toes
her eyes still so alert and sparkly and bright
(though a darker brown now)
her nose a perfect button
her eyebrows so expressive and light and rosy and sassy
her soft smooth belly so kissable
her cheeks, too (i am telling you,
they demand over 100 kisses a day)
even though the individual features
have not changed much,
her face is starting to look more and more
like a tiny person’s face.
looking back at the photos
from her first couple weeks of life
she seems in them like a little alien,
a little raisin man.
only a few pictures make us go “that looks like her,”
because now she somehow has more of a face
that’s hers
maybe because she is so much more
alert
and more clearly taking in
and reacting to
the world around her.
she still loves to smile at her mommy and daddy
and her grandmothers.
she still likes the voices of her young cousins.
she is sticking her tongue out more lately, and smiles big when you stick yours out back.
she is cooing with a stronger voice, and
she sighs with so much satisfaction.
she still likes to wiggle
laying flat, or on our legs—
not propped up on pillows;
she does not like 45 degree angles
(unless it’s in our laps.)
she still likes her warm baths.
she still likes being changed—
i think because she has our full attention then,
or maybe because she feels fresh and clean
at the end,
or maybe because there are fun things to look at next to the changing table,
or maybe because it is just another good spot to lay flat and wiggle.
when i change her,
i tell her she needs to pay the belly tax,
and kiss her soft little belly.
she likes when i tickle her face with my hair
and kiss her cheeks—
she smiles big with crinkled eyes
when I do this.
she is able to keep her head up
longer when we sit her up
and at tummy time,
but she still cries when put to work at it for too long.
she still likes looking at lights,
but she is noticing so much more.
she is starting to take staring at toys
and her hands
very seriously.
she will tilt her chin down with great concentration—
her chubby cheeks pushed forward,
bubbles on her lips—
and give her entire focus to an object she is trying to figure out.
she loves looking up specifically at the purple triangle in her play gym,
and the bouncing colors on the piano.
she is always licking everything.
she tries to lick the warm wash cloth
as we wash her face before bed.
she sleeps for long hours,
which makes me nervous;
she may sleep even longer if i
wouldn’t check her at night so much
with every odd sound.
but she likes to skooch to the side of her bassinet
and press her body and face against the mesh (which also tests my nerves each night).
she still likes the binky
but she is getting better at eating her fists instead.
she likes the velcro swaddle
but she is learning to break out of it;
most nights end with both arms out.
she is getting too big—
too strong—
to contain.
she likes to look up at the trees;
she will stare at them
for as long as she can keep her eyes open.
she loves long walks
in the bassinet stroller or
the carrier—
she likes to look around at everything.
and sometimes she is lulled to sleep
by the rocking
and the leaves passing overhead.
she still loves to bounce.
we will bounce on the yoga ball
with her in our arms
at bedtime
in the glow of the salt lamp
with the hum of the box fan.
her eyes will be wide open at first
but then her lids will grow heavy and her eyes
they will quickly move back and forth—
her sleepy eyes, we call them—
and we know she is losing
against the sandman.
we bounce
until her eyes slowly close
and the binky drops out of her mouth
without her caring.
we will gently, slowly place her in the bassinet
and sometimes she will wake
and want the binky again,
but as soon as her eyes are back shut
it will fall without a care.
note:
sometimes she will sleep
with her eyes just a bit
cracked open
at first.
when she was small
she loved to sleep on my chest
tummy to tummy
with her ear on my breast
arms embracing me.
but now she will only sleep that way
when very tired after eating
in the middle of the night
or in the morning.
during the day she likes to be on her back in the stroller or crib
or, more likely, sideways in my arms
while staring at the leaf-printed quilt on the back
of our rocking recliner.
the carrier is my cheat
to trick her into sleeping on my chest again—
it is the best weight in the world.
this morning she fell asleep on me
after eating
head still heavy with the night’s sleep
and her lips were puckered in the most perfect way
eyes closed so peacefully
her cheeks so round, soft, and rosy
her little hand rested on my chest.
as she eats these days,
her hand of whichever arm is free
will wander back and forth on my chest
as if twirling an invisible lock of hair
feeling my skin on the front and then back of her hand
skimming my collarbone with the tips of her fingers
her nails lightly scratching me at times
as her jaw moves up and down and she drinks with small muffled coos
and she breathes between every third gulp,
eyes looking into the middle distance
eyelids sometimes wide open,
sometimes relaxed,
sometimes closed,
thinking thoughts we will never know.
there are times where we
will just stare and smile at each other
for minutes on minutes.
i smile and scrunch my shoulders and tell her “hi” and say her name and
make sure she knows how much i love her.
or we will stare into each other’s eyes as
she tries to fight the inevitable sleep.
sometimes she insists on it:
if i look away, she will fuss until i look at her again in my arms.
i look back at her and
i tell her i’m here.
i whisper, “i see you,”
“i’m right here,”
“go to sleep,”
“i’ll keep you safe.”
and then she will slowly close her eyes,
and i will rock us
and keep my promise.