💾 Archived View for midnight.pub › posts › 1814 captured on 2024-05-26 at 14:44:45. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content
⬅️ Previous capture (2024-05-10)
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Good day/night, I'm not good with talking, I'm not good with socializing, I'm not good at maintaining friendships. I do not quite know what to do about it anymore.
Should I keep trying? I have been trying to turn around my social life for god knows how long but I don't feel like it's working and since I'm getting older™ I wonder if it's really worth it to waste my time to make new connections when I will need to look after myself soon.
I have not been able to maintain a single friendship except for one single offline friend group which is a miracle that they still like me at all.
Do I blame my parents for being overtly restrictive of my hobbies, friends, and media consumption, to the point where I can't even hold a conversation as an 18 year old without fumbling it?
Do I blame my previous school for the horrible environment I had to endure for half a decade or so?
Do I blame myself for something? anything? maybe I'm just lazy, maybe it's a disorder, maybe I'm just underdeveloped, maybe I just don't want my life to get better, maybe people just don't like me.
Well, it's kinda too late to think about this stuff, isn't it? I don't need friends, not anymore I guess. I can live alone, I lived alone for my whole life, why would anything change?
On a better note, fixing the rest of my life is going well. Started waking up more at 5am and getting work done before classes begin, and so far I am quite content with how it has been, empty roads and seats are comforting for the first 4ish hours but I do think this is the most productive I have been in a while.
During my studies I had some friends. I was lucky that some people were happy to make the first step and talk to me and dig through this thick layout of shyness.
But after the studies there was a lot of moving around, we lost track of each others. I tried to maintain even the smallest connection, but I saw them breaking one by one.
Since then I didn't made new friends. I never know if it's because I can't, or if it's because I don't really want to. A part of me is not really looking for more company.
Now I came to peace with that. I have a SO and nice colleagues, I think it's enough. It feels very weird to say to people that you don't have friends. But I don't really feel bad about it.
I also realize that being "social", can take a lot of different forms. Having friends is just one of them. Family, neighbors, colleagues, local shopowners, sports clubs are all different way to socialize.
I do feel like I relate to you on multiple points. A few friends is something I strive to maintain, Without the social connection the everyday feels colourless. Taking up exercise like walking, running, cycling, swimming etc helps but true connections aren't easy to build had harder still to find once lost.
i think it is important to have friends but it is def harder then it used to be. i'd suggest small online communities for things you are interested in c: