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let it out

Yesterday, I sat on my bed and cried. Really just let it out, made no attempt to stop the waterworks. It wasn't a sad sobbing, the sort that might happen when the despair occasionally catches up with me. I... just had a lot pent up inside me, and I needed to let it out. I'd realised that I'd finally found a group of people that I was comfortable around; where I could really, truly let my guard down. It hit me like a truck. The night before I'd (very) drunkenly admitted to a little, uh, gender-confusion. I don't normally let the drink get the better of me that much - certainly I thought it would be quite a while before I told anyone about that - but I let my guard down, and it all spilled out.

I've been able to cry more recently, the past couple of years. I was raised to be, shall we say, stoic. I've lived a lot of my life emotionally stunted[1]. I spent a good portion of my time in high school and university in a malaise. Not depression, I don't think - or if it was, I'll never know now. Some days were better than others. Suffice to say, I've struggled to express how I feel for a long time. But now, slowly, I am getting better, a combination of the will that pulled me from that malaise[2]; a real desire to understand myself better, to be more introspective; and friends I can lean on.

I can be honest with myself now. When I am sad, I can let it out; but it isn't just sadness that needs letting out. I can let myself be really affected by something - maybe that's some piece of media, or maybe a friend comforting me while I drunkenly spill my guts. I can work through how I feel, interrogate myself about it. I think it seems quite silly saying it aloud - of course somebody should be able to do these things. I realize that it seems obvious to me today, but there were years of my life where I just couldn't do it. It was out of reach. I've been trying to be more forthcoming with how I feel with the people around me, too. I can admit that something made me cry. I hesitate less when I want to compliment or praise my friends. I am an emotional creature, like every person on this planet.

last updated: 2023-05-09

[1]: Fear not; despite how old I feel, I'm on the younger side of things.

[2]: A slow process, and hardly an intentional one. That I climbed out of that hole was a stroke of fortune, but it has nonetheless shaped me into the person I am today. I see know what felt incomprehensible then: that I must keep going, keep living. I may at times be cynical, or angry, or frustrated, or upset; but I see now that I can do that and stay optimistic; keep that flame alive.