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Leaning on art

It's really rare for me to find the actual motivation to do basically anything. Especially something that takes effort like thinking about words.

When I get in this state, which I've been it basically since August last year, I tend to fall back more on directly expressive things, mainly art.

Mostly, my art is just playing my instruments. With my extreme executive dysfunction, it's whatever I can do immediately in front of me. That is often guitar since it involves me reaching to my right about 2 feet and then flipping a switch on my amp. This can all be done without leaving my chair. But if I have a bit more brainpower I might grab my drawing tablet and doodle.

I still haven't setup my synths yet (though I have a new one on order that should motivate me to actually plug them in!) but when I do I have a small keystep within reach I can grab and its basically flipping two switches. Sure I have to stick with whatever patch I left the synths in. But it's at least something.

I find art really soothing and bypasses my brain. I can shut my brain down and just go directly from my heart. Express each of my emotions and feelings into the notes I play or the silly mouse girls I attempt at drawing.

It's actually really fun because I find myself engaging in these creative hobbies that I used to when I was a kid, just now as an adult with critical thinking skills. I am able to approach drawing the way I always wanted, with the tools I always dreamed about.

I just need to not be so debilitating depressed to actually recover the spoons to be able to do more. And doing art actually helps heighten my mood and my

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I don't have really anything more to say. I just want to actually post more often to get back in the habit of it. And I figured treat this gemlog like I treat my art: just turn of my brain and let words flow… so I apologize for what is likely chaos.

— Steph

/gemlog/