💾 Archived View for augers.srht.site › journal › 2021-10-29.gmi captured on 2024-05-12 at 15:09:34. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content
⬅️ Previous capture (2022-01-20)
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
m.?. left this morning, and said,
"you don't have to pretend...you know, if this is just a one time thing. you don't have to pretend or anything."
i played dumb, admittedly, and focused on getting my laptop out to start working while she fixed herself up and packed to leave.
it should have been a no-time thing, but so be it.
...
it is the first day of an entire 'halloweekend', and i can feel the pent up energy of an entire city coursing through the veins of every street and avenue.
i was invited to one 'event', but it seems far too punk-rock-snort-cocaine-drink-from-the-bottle for me. there was another supposed invitation earlier this week from an acquaintance i caught up with on the street, but nothing further mentioned. i wonder if she lost my number, and then remember that she texted me after we saw each other that evening.
i don't even have a costume. not that i want to need one.
dudley's is one of my favorite restaurants, on the corner of orchard and broome street in the lower east side. i stopped there and ordered a burger with not one, but two sides of fries, and ate alone. the man next to me is a streamer of some sort who spoke to his live, captive audience on his phone the entire time he ate.
the astros and the braves battled it out on my phone.
a table of eight young people, about my age, sat in costume together rambling on about who-knows-what. they seemed fun for each other, and glanced at me (along with the hostess), wondering if i was really sitting here alone.
yes.
the wind picked up and the rain hit ground, i hustled back home and found myself wet, fully dressed, under my fuzzy blanket, cozy.
the entire time, i felt somewhat at peace even though i was alone. once i got home, though, i didn't think it would last.
maybe contentment is like keeping your balance on a tightrope, or pitching, or any other mind-intensive, high-pressure activity. once you start thinking about it too much, you lose control and spiral downward.
...
"'cause you're in new yooooork,
rats and fucking crackheads galoooore,"
i heard that singing outside my window, late in the night, to the tune of "empire state of mind" by jay-z and alicia keys.
awaken from my clothed 9:30 p.m. to midnight nap, i got up and wrote a bunch of journal entries, including this one.
o.f. called me. she's been at two parties all night. out with a bunch of "people who all look like models, all drama students" in stuy town. it sounds nice. oh, what it is to be a college student automatically invited to everywhere an outsider would love to be.
that's what i feel like. a disgusting, unworthy outsider.
it's okay.
i am okay.
and maybe even worth keeping around.