💾 Archived View for tilde.pink › ~exologist › gemlog › 2024-04-03.gmi captured on 2024-05-10 at 12:45:40. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content
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Stress is slowly bringing my anxiety to its limits. Although i am calm right now, i thought about running away multiple times today.
I am at the brink of a mental breakdown at anytime. Normally i dont like sharing information like this on internet, but the only other option is throwing this thoughts to depths of my mind.
If i continue with the latte, which i already did for way to long, the thoughts will get worst. I cant tell anybody that i am close to because they will just shrug it off, telling me to "Man Up" and move on while i suffer in my own thoughts. They never understand my personal boundaries. They will always touch me(Like hugging etc "Innocent touches").
My probably undiagnosed autism is also showing. Since i was little i was stimming and make this weird noises because i cannot express myself propely and handle my emotions, they never helped and shunned me for coping mechanisms like this.
People are acting like that i am a virus that needs to be stayed away from. I am actively being outcasted due to me being weird.
I feel like society and civilatization is not fit for me. Everything is too loud. Too much humans. Too many variables that i dont want to account for. This is probably why i envy first civilatizaons so much. They did noy have to worry for these unnecesarry variables and focused and living, Focused on what makes us human actually.
My outcastation is just ruining me. I feel like people always make fun of me(Which i know they do based on couple of eavesdroppings). I am always in a state of constant emotional swings. I want to go to a therapist but i am actively being restricted to do.