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I noticed that no matter what I do, I can't fit in in a spiritual community. There is always something with them that rubs me the wrong way. Like, it can feel cultish, snobbish, or on paper you're allowed to be yourself and it's inclusive, but if you're not vegan or involved in politics or think the way they do, it's basically impossible to feel close to them.
I was involved with one a year ago up until September of this year when I completely blew the fuck up over covid vaccines. It's not that I'm an anti-vaxxer, in fact I am ok with the tried and true ones (TB, measles and all) but first, I have a weird feeling about how forced we are to take it, and how it doesn't prevent transmission nor infection, and second, those people are so into the "anti-vaxxers are evil" narrative (anything that goes against the official $cience being "conspiracy theory" or "misinformation") that they are capable of saying the most dehumanizing things possible, like not giving any oxygen to an unvaccinated patient, or that the unvaccinated must be out of society (not word for word, but that was implied). Then they pride themselves on being compassionate. Lol. Compassionate? How compassionate of you to be so hateful to your fellow human. You care more about the cows you are "saving" while not caring a bit about crop deaths, the impact of shipping your ultraprocessed vegan food and the underpaid workers that make it so you can pride yourself on being morally superior.
It's that sentiment of blatant hypocrisy running in that space that made me blow up, not that much the vaccines. You're not obliged to be vegan, they state it in the guidelines, but... it kinda feels like you're an outsider, a "carnist" if you eat meat. Likewise it's ridden with woke ideology, so good luck for free speech. This is what drives me away from the English-speaking internet, except, well, the smaller internet with Neocities and the like. It just feels like walking on a minefield. I can't.
I felt like a sociopath there and still do when I look at the forums. Yet I know I don't have a problem. I'm not anywhere near an ASPD diagnosis, but when I was there, I felt like "the sociopath" from the beginning. The odd one out. One of the guys there who talked to me after I blew up said that he did have some blowups like mine in the past, and that it's kinda normal to have to walk on eggshells in this community. I don't think it's ever normal to walk on eggshells. I love the teachings themselves but the people, I'll pass. They just bring out the worst in me. I listened to a live they made because the subject interested me, but just hearing their voices, I started arguing in my head, being snappy, feeling depressed. There is just... something in their vibe that brings out the worst thing possible in me. Not all, thankfully, but the most prominent members. I actually really liked some of the members here but... they got sucked in that vegoon stupidity, and there I felt that I had lost potential people with whom I could've stuck. There was one guy who opposed himself quite a bit and got his butt banned. I banned myself before they banned me.
Now I just come to read a nugget of info once in a while or attend a channeling session, but there's no way I'll ever interact there again. Sometimes I feel like sharing something, but I know I'll regret it, and I'll just get back in that cycle of feeling like a sociopath and having that sort of boiling resentment on the inside for no apparent reason. I guess you're just not meant to be with certain people for a lifetime. Or maybe I do indeed have a problem and don't realize it. Either way, I notice once more that I do better on my own. Spirituality feels like one of these things that can go wrong real quick if you're around the wrong people.
> I noticed that no matter what I do, I can't fit in in a > spiritual community. There is always something with them that > rubs me the wrong way. Like, it can feel cultish, snobbish, > or on paper you're allowed to be yourself and it's inclusive, > but if you're not vegan or involved in politics or think the > way they do, it's basically impossible to feel close to them. > > ...
The notion/idea/concept/model of being an free-willed, individual self is seemingly incompatible with peace.
And by "peace", I mean peace of mind.
And by "peace of mind", I mean absence of mind.
Because... (says the mind convinced it's housed in a body whose fingers are enjoying the fuck out of typing this..) the very thought of an "I" is apparently what gives birth to all the rest of duality-based discrimination of horrific not-I-ishness generally referred to as "mind"....
BUT, that doesn't mean we seeming free-willed, individual selves can't have fun volleying words skating in and around the madness!
;-)
(Damn... the end of that last sentence has me remembering Tonya Harding again....)
and how it doesn't prevent transmission nor infection
This I don't quite follow, if you have the vaccine then you're more likely to be asymptomatic if/when you catch the virus, and therefore will be less likely to cough your lungs out on others, no?
But the rest I think I get. Everyone talks about idealistic Anne-of-Green-Gables village lifestyle, where your kids can run free, parents can get support from their church communities, everyone knows their neighbours and so leave their doors unlocked, and people buy and sell locally.
The price you pay for all this support, of course, is your independence. You can't not go to church, you can't say bad things about the pastor, and you can't not buy the tiny rotten carrots from your neighbour and thank him for it.
The problem with living life independently is, of course, losing any of the above mentioned community support. Even among so-titled progressives, there is the cultishness that shuns those who even dare question the hypocrisy within the group at points where it feels like the group is being misled. I've felt this in many subreddits, small local political groups (of which I am no longer an active member), and my own family to various degrees.
I don't know what the solution is. I feel that the problem is mostly size and hierarchy. In small sized groups, people can hold wildly different opinions but no one is feeling too out of place or persecuted because there are not enough people in the group to pull rank over one another. But as the group expands, then tribalism forms and that's where opinions start to become guidelines, and then you get tiered structures and then things become a bit more oppressive (in my opinion).
I'm not really an anarchist mind you, more of a federalist where I think heirarchies can be used effectively if there is consent at each step of the way, but large groups undergoing opinion flux wary me to some degree.