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Well, this seems like a twofer. For the first part, I can certainly sympathize. My own questions of gender aren't totally settled either. The best advice I can probably give is to remind you that gender is complicated, nuanced, and often fluid. Your gender might not fit so neatly into one category or the other. No matter what your reasons for feeling that way are, as long as you are comfortable with the end result, don't matter. (Though I will say... if you want to be someone else, and that someone just so happens to be a woman... you might be a woman.)

As for the second part, I don't know. As someone with clearly pretty bad anxiety and relentless self-deprecation, you're hardly going to be the most reliable narrator (making yourself sound worse than you are, of course). This may be obvious to you already; I don't know your situation, but if there are any options for anxiety that you're not already investigating, I'd highly recommend it. I had a series of panic attacks about a year and a half ago so bad that I had to take a week off of work, and the combination of medication for my anxiety and a brief bit of therapy was life changing.

Every step of the thought process you've described is something a good therapist would help you prevent, with activities like thought challenging. It certainly doesn't magically fix anything, but it gives you at least some tools.

I'm glad that you already recognize that your more self-destructive tendencies hurt the people you care about. Far better to realize that now and solve the issue before your mental punishments turn into holding ice cubes or something worse. That post-cry brain rush that drove you to write this? That can take you to a bad place if you're not careful.

If you ever want to vent/seek advice from someone totally removed from the situation, feel free to hit up my email on my profile.

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~impulse wrote (thread):

I engaged in a sort of "insult battle" with a friend who likes to do that a lot.

I went too far, and in turn, he called me out on being the sole cause of most drama in the friend group, as well as insulting me for hiding behind my characters I like to roleplay as.

At least I learned not to go that far anymore.

I do have a therapist, as a note. Maybe I should be more open to her.