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Many PMOers, while trying to stop on the Willpower Method, attempt to increase their motivation by building up false incentives. There are many examples of this, a typical one is, āI will reward myself with a gift after no-PMO for a month.ā This appears to be a logical and sensible approach but in fact it is false because any self-respecting PMOer would rather continue PMOing every day than receive a āself given gift.ā In any case there is a doubt in the PMOerās mind because not only will she have to abstain for thirty days but will she even enjoy the days without a PMO? Her only pleasure or crutch is taken away! All this does is to increase the size of the sacrifice that the PMOer feels she is making, which makes it even more precious in her mind.
Other examples: āI'll stop PMO so that I will force myself to get a social life and seek more sex in real lifeā OR āIāll stop so some magical energy will help me to leap above the competitors and get this woman I pursueā OR āI commit to not waste my energy and enthusiasm in PMO, so I can grow enough hunger in myself.ā These are true and can be effective and you may end up getting what you want. But think about it for a second - if you do get what you had wanted, once the novelty has gone you will feel deprived - if you didnāt then you will feel miserable and either way sooner or later you will fall for the trap again.
Another typical example is online or forum pacts. These have the advantage of eliminating temptation for certain periods. However, they generally fail for the following reasons:
1. The incentive is false. Why should you want to stop just because other people are doing so? All this does is to create an additional pressure, which increases the feeling of sacrifice. It is fine if all PMOers genuinely want to stop at one particular time. However, you cannot force PMOers to stop and although all PMOers secretly want to, until they are ready to do so a pact just creates additional pressure, which increases their desire to PMO. This turns them into secret PMOers, which further increases the feeling of dependency.
2. The āRotten Appleā theory or dependency on each other. Under the Willpower Method of stopping, the PMOer is undergoing a period of penance during which he waits for the urge to PMO to go. If he gives in, there is a sense of failure. Under the Willpower Method one of the participants is bound to give in sooner or later. The other participants now have the excuse they have been waiting for. It's not their fault. They would have held out. It is just that āFredā has let them down. The truth is that most of them have already been cheating.
3. āSharing the creditā is the reverse of the āRotten Appleā theory. Here the loss of face due to failure is not so bad when shared. There is a marvellous sense of achievement in stopping PMOing. When you are doing it alone the acclaim you receive from your friends and online buddies can be a tremendous boost to help you over the first few days. When everybody is doing it at the same time the credit has to be shared and the boost is consequently reduced.
4. Another classic example of false incentives is the guru promise. When I was younger it would make me feel angry if youād call me a saint. It is a cuss word. Stopping will give you happiness as you are not engaged in the tug of war and your brain is starting to re-wire and regain impulse controls and all that. However you must keep in mind that none of this will make you a sex god or win a lotto. No one, except you, cares if you stop PMO. You are not a weak person either if you are doing PMO three times a day and have PIED. And you are not a strong person if you are an addict and donāt have PIED.
Stop kidding yourself. If the job offer that I mentioned before, of 10 months work for 12 months salary a year won't stop him. Or if the risks of cutting down your brainās capacity to cope with just any normal day-to-day stress and strains or if putting yourself at odds with having a reliable erection, or if the lifetime of mental and physical torture and slavery did not stop him or her - the above said few phoney incentives will not make the slightest bit of difference. They will only make the sacrifice appear worse. Instead concentrate on the other side:
Keep looking at the other side of the tug of war. What is PMOing doing for me? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Why do I need to do it? YOU DON'T! YOU ARE ONLY PUNISHING YOURSELF. Try looking at it from the Pascalās Wager perspective. You have almost nothing to lose (a rub-out with half arousals) for sure, chances of big profits (a full and reliable arousal, mental well being and happiness) and no chance of losing big (unreliable full arousals, premature ejaculations, fading penetrations, loss of general impulse controls, lower tolerance for frustrations and anger).
Why not declare your quitting to friends and family? Well, it will make you a proud ex-addict, ex-PMOer, not an elated and happy non-PMOer. It will scare your partner a bit since they may see this as an effort to have more sex, sort of a new-age thing. They may also fear to lose you if this turns you into sex machine. It is hard to explain to them unless they are open minded.
Any attempt to get others to help you in your quitting gives more power to the little monster of addiction. Pushing it from your mind and totally ignoring it has the effect of trying NOT to think of it. As soon as you spot the thoughts, when you hit the cues (home alone) or just absent minded thoughts - just say to yourself: āGreat, I donāt have to do it like a slave animal. I am free. I am happy to know the differences in sex.ā This will cut the life of the thought and will deny oxygen to it and will stop it from burning towards urges and cravings.
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