💾 Archived View for ashley.cities.yesterweb.org › hypnagogia › identity.gmi captured on 2024-05-10 at 10:48:17. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content
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hi kids!!! it's me, ashley- world-renowned armchair extraordinaire! right?
who the fuck am I anyhow?
I was brought up in a culture with a very simplistic model of human identity. this model is centered around the concept of the Human Individual, a self-contained opaque box of magic, piloting (in words I've heard elsewhere) a fleshy mech suit, which operates as a single, self-contained unit, cleanly separated from the rest of the universe. each Human Individual has a single clearly defined "identity", which is unique and untransferable, and unchanging throughout the individual's lifetime. this identity may be associated with a set of memories and personality traits, but is otherwise rather static, and is usually reified in the form of a name.
I never really questioned this view of human identity throughout most of my childhood. possibly the only contact I ever had with the notion that this absurdly reductive view of human identity is actually a ludicrous way of parameterizing human experience was its medicalization, dissociative identity disorder. I'm pretty sure I've always also had some vague notion of the literary trope wherein people refer to distinct facets of themselves as if they were separate people (e.g., obi-wan telling luke that darth vader "killed" his father.) I always assumed that these must simply be the result everyone talking in coded metaphors all the time, as opposed to literal, extremely physical experiences, far more physical than "happiness" or "anger" even are. perhaps almost as physical as touch or sight are, even.
needless to say, human identity is extraordinarily complex, with its vastly different incarnations appearing across cultures and individuals.
I think I was first introduced to the idea that humans don't physiologically operate as a solid brick reading one of those Minsky articles. of course I don't think I took it then as a real thing that could affect me, more of a- "cool sciency thing", I suppose; perhaps in the same way one would study some bacteria and just be like "wow, cool" but knowing that such an alien topic, so profoundly disconnected from human experience, would never have any bearing on my experience of the world whatsoever. of course those were very focused on the more physical aspects of human non-atomicity, and are as far as I'm concerned pretty irrelevant in the context of actaully trying to understand who one is.
(it's also important to note that identity manifests itself in wildly different ways in different people. some are indeed very harmful, and worth being medicalized as a mental disorder which can then be treated. some aren't, and shouldn't be treated as such. many people readily accept their different identities as a natural part of their existence, even naming each one. the internet makes it exceptionally easy to embody each in physically distinct vessels (more on that later.))
I have at last become very keenly aware of just how dramatically my identity can shift, even in the span of a few seconds. certain thought patterns and triggers can easily cause these shifts, and be the difference between spending the next few hours in existential horror or not. these are also come with massive personality changes. I would imagine not many people around me notice, since I'm not particularly communicative (though I'm very self-conscious of this sort of stuff in, e.g., internet chatrooms, since it's basically the only place I have any sort of meaningful contact with other human beings.) nevertheless my entire perspective on who I am is very volatile cnocept.
as I write this from my comfy armchair -- my bed, rather -- I am not who I want to be. honestly. I write like shit. seriously, have you read all this even? it fucking sucks. I know I can write better than this, I've done that in the past. I have. *I*. right?
this is not good. I don't like this.
unlike my parents, I was raised with the ability to instantly change who I am to other people. for them, doing that might have involved moving 500km and acquiring all sorts of legal documents. for me it has always been as simple as typing /nick. I have used many a name in my time, more than I can count with my two hands in unary. some of these names are associated with specific time periods and situations. most of them I have discontinued their use. in spite of that, some of them refuse to die. they're there, I can tell. some I want to kill; but oh they're not going anywhere any time soon, I can tell you that much.
should I give that identity a name? that sounds somehow risky. like I'll jinx it. like everything I touch becomes ruined. an ephemeral gift which I am not worthy of possessing. ashley is one of the many names I've used, and one I quite like (and yes, also an incredibly uncreative one. what of it?) it is most strongly associated with this identity, on account of the fact that I've been using it recently. maybe I should roll with that?
I'm scared. right now, writing as ashley, I don't really feel that much like ashley at all, honestly. I am no stranger to fear, but this fear is special. it is the fear the exists on the knife's edge. the slightest nudge might send it head-first into the pit of despair, in which I may remain for several days. weeks even. and leave it to association to let that ruin anything.
I think it's worth mentioning that, at least in my experience, most substantive change has only really come out of despair. I only discovered this person I've been talking about while slowly emerging from the pit. it clearly serves some kind of purpose, as horrible as it is. I don't want to go back in there, but I will sure as hell cling to any silver lining that may be thrown my way. hopefully that doesn't jinx it???? fuck. I am scared shitless. honestly. terrified. *insert clever synonym that accurately conveys this fear with all its subtle tinges and accurately represents my internal experience of it.*
to anyone I've ever been an asshole in the past, I sincerely apologize. in some cases it took me literals years before realizing. this is also why I don't keep chat logs. they are terrifying to read. unfortunately I can't erase my memory, and it logs a surprising amount of detail of things I'd rather not remember.
oh well. I still don't know who the fuck I am, and the more I try to close the gap between me and other people who could possibly help me understand, the deeper and wider it appears to grow.
I don't want to end in such a depressing note, but honestly, how do I end? well, well wishes are a sure method, aren't they? I hope you may have better luck knowing yourself. maybe it isn't so hard for you. maybe it is actually harder, but it's actually all a skill issue and you manage just fine ^.^
and, by all means, take care.
(editor's note: I realize now to what an extent transgender themes may seem to underpin this post. while those are certainly related, that's not really what I was going for while writing it. I can't really go into the details without outright doxing myself, sorry!)