💾 Archived View for thewomaninmyeye.org › log › loneliness-and-solitude.gmi captured on 2024-05-10 at 10:37:24. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content
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Struggling in the quiet moments is something I've been working on with my therapist for quite a while. This has been a problem my whole life: I get home, it's quite and dark, and I'm all alone. My friends are busy, I have no one really to talk to, so now what?
Well, I would get sad. I might try and throw on a video or something to occupy my time; but more often than not I have a short queue and I ended up done in 30 minutes to an hour and we're back to square one. So then I'd either just get really depressed and let the suicidal ideation creep in or just dig and dig at YouTube re-watching videos, start to dig through some creators back catalog, or something, anything, to not have to be alone with my thoughts.
This was a big struggle in my last relationship. She would be in her office, I'd be in mine, the loneliness and sadness would creep in and I'd runaway into the internet as far as I could, for as long as I could, to avoid dealing with what was really going on: the trans stuff, and then the dissatisfaction with my life/relationship/everything.
Then again after that break-up. I threw out my safety net. I boxed myself up in a new town, new apartment, new everything. I let myself get lost in my new relationships, again to avoid that loneliness, but when distance crept in, be it from just normal distance in an long distance relationship (LDR), them just getting busy in their life, or really any reason… I kinda was in a place where I craved some form of contact from anyone in my life. This caused tension in my relationships because I couldn't just be okay with myself.
We finally cracked exactly what was going on (or at least my therapist finally got through my thick skull) this most recent session when she literally said to me "I'm avoiding my loneliness".
We'd known I had to be content in my solitude (a kinder way to say "loneliness"). I struggle being content at all frankly. Being content is tricky because when you first hear it you think "yeah I want to be happy in those hard moments, happy when I'm alone, happy" etc. We conflate content with happy. But content is what lies between happy and sad. It's not happy. Happiness is rare. It's worth celebrating. But I struggle when I'm not happy just being okay with my position. I get sad. I start to spoil the moments, waste that happiness I was just feeling.
Being content requires you to not overthink things. To get out of your head. Even when I should be happy, like when I'm visiting a partner for a week, I struggle to be content because I want so much for me. I want to be happy, all the time. I want things to continuously get better. It's almost like my brain's secretly a big tech company expecting growth day after day, numbers go up, etc etc. I know better though. I do. I just really struggle actualizing that knowledge.
When I find myself, like today, alone, my mind drifts to those happy memories. All of those moments when, where, I was happiest and I crave it. But there simply are days where that specific happiness isn't achievable; for whatever reason. But there is still so much more I can do.