💾 Archived View for gemini.locrian.zone › library › SCP › scp-1296.gmi captured on 2024-05-10 at 10:58:28. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content
⬅️ Previous capture (2023-11-04)
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Item #: SCP-1296
Object Class: Anomalous Phenomenon
Containment Class: Active
Hazard Rating: Green
Contact information on file within Secure Archive 11
SCP-1296 is a Volga M24 model automobile belonging to a service identifying itself as Dial-a-Llama. The vehicle itself displays minor physical alteration: baggage bars have been installed on the roof, the rear seats have been removed, and the vehicle is incorrectly labeled as manufactured by the Toyota company. The Dial-a-Llama company’s contact information and slogans are painted on the sides of the vehicle.
Upon calling the provided telephone number, callers will be put in contact with a sales representative from Dial-a-Llama, henceforth referred to as SCP-1296-a. Attempts to find the location of SCP-1296-a or to acquire any additional from it have failed.
SCP-1296 will manifest within two hours of placing the order at the caller’s location, regardless of any changes in location made during the time between the call and the delivery. No maximum range to SCP-1296’s manifestations has been found, but it will require adequate space for the vehicle to manifest. Attempts to track SCP-1296 have failed: GPS devices attached to the vehicle have ceased function after SCP-1296 has left view, and it has consistently evaded pursuit. SCP-1296 will always manifest with one driver of varying appearance, and two to eight llamas in addition to whatever specimen was ordered. The cost of the order will vary without apparent pattern.
The following log was made during testing on 09/07/2012.
SCP-1296-a: Welcome to Dial-a-Llama, how may I help you?
Dr. █████████: Uh, yes, I was wondering if you could get me some additional information about your company?
SCP-1296-a: What would you even need to know? You need a llama, Dial-a-Llama gets you a llama. Anytime, anyplace. It’s our name.
Dr. █████████: Yes, I know that, but I-
SCP-1296-a: You call us, you order a llama, we get you a llama. Not that hard.
Dr. █████████: Where do you get these llamas?
SCP-1296-a: Look, man, do you want a llama or not? This isn’t the twenty questions hotline. This is the two questions hotline: Question one: Do you want a llama? Question two: What kind of llama do you want? If the answer to the first is no, then why are you calling?
Dr. █████████: Let me speak to your manager.
SCP-1296-a: Nope. Sunk that ship. We don’t put up with harassment around here. Good day to you sir.
Dr. █████████: [sighs] Okay, okay, I’ll buy a llama. Just one llama, nothing special.
SCP-1296-a: Alrighty then, that’ll be forty-five. Cash or credit?
Dr. █████████: Cash.
SCP-1296-a: The Llamamobile will be there in two hours or less. Have a wonderful day, jackass.
The following log was made upon delivery on 09/07/2012. The driver of SCP-1296 has been designated SCP-1296-b.
SCP-1296-b: Hey, you the guy who ordered a llama?
Dr. █████████: Yes, that’s me.
SCP-1296-b: Forty-five, please.
Dr. █████████: [pays SCP-1296-b] If it’s at all possible, could I ask you a few questions about your...
SCP-1296-b: Not this again. You just won’t give it up, will you? You order llamas. We get you llamas. From the top of Mount Everest to the bottom of the Marianas Trench, if you need a llama, we will get you that llama. Now stop being nosy. Yours is the grey one in the back.
Ordered: Three llamas
Time for Delivery: Three minutes
Cost: $33
Result: Two female and one male llama. No anomalies were detected in the specimens.
Ordered: One pregnant female llama, with a brown spot on the left side.
Time for Delivery: Seventeen minutes
Cost: $50
Result: One llama matching the description ordered. No anomalies were detected in the specimen.
Ordered: One alpaca
Time for Delivery: One hour and forty-three minutes
Cost: $17
Result: One male llama. Specimen had the hide of an alpaca glued to it. Closer inspection revealed that the hide had been freshly skinned.
Ordered: One lama
Time for Delivery: One hour and twenty-seven minutes
Cost: $200.02
Result: ███ ██████, a Buddhist monk. Subject had no recollection of events preceding delivery. Subject was administered amnestics and released without incident.
Ordered: One robotic llama
Time for Delivery: One hour and thirteen minutes
Cost: $3561.87
Result: One automaton in the shape of a llama. Behavior was identical to that of a biological llama.
Ordered: SCP-1545 [an anomalous two-person llama costume]
Time for Delivery: Fifteen seconds
Cost: None
Notes: SCP-1545 was observed to vanish from its containment locker upon ordering. SCP-1545 was delivered fifteen seconds later, containing two deceased individuals, both unidentified; autopsy revealed that they had been deceased for at least twenty-four hours. Delivery consisted of SCP-1296 driving past the delivery area at approximately 150 km/h; SCP-1545 was thrown from the roof by a second SCP-1296-b subject. SCP-1296-b-2 was heard to scream “Just fucking take it!” before departure.