gemini - kennedy.gemi.dev

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new beast

When i encounter a new beast

I will either say hell yeah

Or i will react in fear

If i react with fear and disgust

I take a step back

I unlearn my biases

I work this beast into my worldview

I understand it as myself

I understand myself as it

I become the beast

And it becomes me

And then i say hell yeah

Watching monkey videos on YouTube

Or some such

piston cup

I need to go to

A doctor

A dentist

A different doctor

A tattoo artist

A psychiatrist

A masseuse

And a barber

But i wish they’d come to me

And fix me up

Like a nascar pit team

Bzzt bzzzt bzzt

Then im back on the road

I have such a hard time

Scheduling

So i think this would be best

Yeah

cliff notes

Gary was here

But he fell off

So i wrote this

Here on the ledge

Above the canyon

On his behalf

Rest in peace

Gary my friend

pull ups

I’m going this strange way

That i can’t really parse

It’s like walking backwards

Holding your arms behind you

And feeling around

For stuff to bump into

It’s like taking your shoes off

And walking through your house

At night with the lights off

Furniture where you don’t expect it

Like getting lost at a roundabout

Standing still and tripping

I didn’t think it’d be like this

When i thought about it earlier

Thought i was off the hook

But there’s more hooks than that

To get snagged and pulled on

There’s death over there

Run over in the alley

Getting eaten by flies

And that’s not something

You can sit around and wait on

You need to make busy

Find other stuff to do

While it sits in your stomach

Ready to waste you too

So I start doing pull ups

I watch the world move

Up and down and up and down

Hanging on the doorframe

At least I’m getting stronger

That’s all I can think now

At least I’m getting stronger

On this strange way I’m going

Thursday night show

I’ve got a pact with the drummer

That I’m gonna bob my head

Down when she kicks it

And up in the pause between

I’m doing my best

To fall in love with the bassist

But somebody’s head

Is getting in the way

It’s hard in the prelude

Going to a show alone

But i love looking up at stage

I feel like

I’m doing what I'm supposed to

I bought two tickets

And forgot to invite anyone

Not that i had many options

But it would’ve been nice

Im getting pretty good at it

Going alone

I set a goal

To talk to two people

Other than the bartender

And not counting the bouncer

Who recognized me

From another bar i frequent

I think i managed four

That’s pretty good

I thought about

Riding my bike to the show

Couldn’t make up my mind

But was vindicated

In taking the bus

When i walked out the venue

Walked half a block

Then the rain came

So fucking much of it

Pouring

I was soaked in a minute

Stood completely drenched

At the bus station

Chatting with some guy

Got on the bus

And wondered why

I don’t take the bus that much

It’s pretty good actually

Better than taking forever

Walking or on a train

Going the wrong way

It was a good night

But i got shit to do tomorrow

So sweet dreams

Xoxo ttyl

as you were

Great bird

Screeching metal

Coming at you

Pick you up

To the top of the hill

Drop you on your head

And you go spilling down

Avalanching

Picking up dirt and bruises

Growing in diameter

Carving a path

Smooth mud to the bottom

Where the slope tapers

You start losing speed

Crashing through fences

Mailboxes and the like

Tumbling forward

Til you come to rest

Right were you started

As you were

shuffle

Huh

There’s a joker in the deck

And nobody knows how to use it

Nobody here at the table

Knows any card games with jokers

I thought we got rid of it last time

But every time we shuffle

There he pops up again

Maybe we can learn

Or we can set it aside

Until inevitably it comes up again

It’s strange

Having jokers in the deck

Just something you deal with

From time to time

The Dud

Of all the people in the world

All the faces and bodies there are

The one you had to get stuck with

Is the one we call

The Dud

The Dud is like warm water

It’s perfectly fine to drink

But if we’re being honest

It’s nobody’s favorite flavor

Nobody’s cup of tea

The Dud is where you live now

When you look in the mirror

You will see The Dud and sigh

It’s not beautiful or ugly

But it’s loathsome to the eye

The Dud is just a body

Bodies are like snowflakes

Yet there must be boring snowflakes

Worth melting down with salt

Somewhere in the blizzard

There must be a dud

The Dud is like a rainbow

Dependent on the weather

The angle that you’re looking

Position of the sun

The Dud is like a rainbow

Illusory and damp

The Dud is what we call it

When you don’t like yourself

You don’t like taking pictures

Don’t like buying clothes

Nothing you can help

You got a case of The Dud

The Dud is a condition

A mindset you can shake

Work out and get a haircut

Try out some new clothes

But after all your trying

You’ll always come back

To The Dud

you can take a horse

You can take a horse to water

You can lift a cup to his lips

You can tilt his head back gently

You can run your hand along his throat

You can stroke his mane and whisper

Drink up you big thirsty horse

You can take a horse swimming

You can have a splash fight with him

You can get some in your eye

You can get upset when he keeps splashing

You can say stop it seriously

You can huff and puff and swim away

You can forgive the horse

You can smile at the horse

You can apologize to the horse

You can go back to how things were

You can swim until the sun sets

You can take the horse on a date

You can go to a fancy restaurant

You can watch him eat spaghetti

You can sit back and watch him

You can push your fork around your plate

You can say you aren’t that hungry

You can ask the horse about his day

You can laugh and laugh and laugh

You can go home with the horse

You can horse around in bed

You can wake up shirtless

You can turn to the horse

You can ask him what this means

You can sleep without an answer

You can fall in love with the horse

You can move in with the horse

You can get married on the beach

You can change your last name to Horse

You can settle in to domestic life

You can watch the horse get older

You can watch the flame go out

You can take a horse for granted

You can forget how much you need him

You can long for something different

You can be dismissive and withdrawn

You can come home after work

You can hardly speak a word

You can get mad for no reason

You can start yelling out of nowhere

You can ball your fists in anger

You can fall silent for a moment

You can cry and cry and cry

You can beg the horse for forgiveness

You can promise you’ll do better

You can come home to an empty house

You can lose yourself without him

You can fall down on your knees

You can fill yourself with liquor

You can cry yourself to sleep

You can take a horse to water

But you can not make him drink

appy irthday

I flew on a plane on earth day

And i didn’t have a window seat

So i closed my eyes to it

I needed to get home

From my trip to the city

One flight of many flights

Thoughtless in the clouds

I can’t help thinking

The earth is changing

And this is why

It worries me

So i close my eyes to it

This little pebble

Earf

It has not been like this long

It was lava

It was oceans

It was ice age

It was forests

It was one big island

Then for a little bit

It was my home

It was where everyone i know

Was born and died

It was the only place for me

And it is changing

It will be something else soon

And i don’t know what

Other than

It won’t be my home

Not the one i recognize

And that scares me

So i close my eyes to it

And fall asleep

On the plane

In the sky

On earth day

statement

On behalf of bugleague

And the rest of

The Bugleague Foundation

We would like to

Sincerely apologize

To all French

For the statements made

By bugleague this morning

About how you suck

These statements

Do not represent the values

We try to uphold here

And were made hastily

In jest

But in poor taste

If you can find it

In your puny French hearts

To forgive us

We will do everything we can

To make this right

Moving forward

Thank you

And god bless

hater

One problem i got

With the way people act

we didn’t invent music we discovered it

I had a dream

That the hail played guitar

Like the spanish do

Hung on my back

It played flamenco

As the ice pelted steel

The music cut out

So i could give my one liner

Then it came back hard

Eagerly waiting to kick in

I slept almost 12 hours

And the whole time

I was hearing this music

That i can’t hear now

I just know it sounded

Like hail playing guitar

the infinite sweet

A bottomless barrel

Drip drip collecting

The sweetest nectar

You could ever taste

If you were brave you could

Dive in and swim through

The thick golden liquid

Mouth open swallowing

It will splash and overflow

But there is no less of it

The infinite sweet

The more of it there is

And it’s light as air

You could throw the barrel

Confidently to your shoulder

Go bounding to your love

Crack the barrel open

Scoop with your hands

Taste this isn’t it just

Incredible you say

And there’s more

Always more

Where that came from

Enough for all and more

new york

New York

Is quite big

You could walk and walk

In manhattan

And still be walking

There are tall buildings

And so many people

These are all things

You may imagine

You may read about it

And when you go

You’ll say yes

That is certainly true

There’s a lot to do

It may cause you

To forget the feeling

Of walking all alone

Down a dead silent street

You may fall into the crowd

Flowing like honey

Down the street

You may ignore

The words of strangers

Because there are so many

You could find yourself here

For some time at least

But after awhile

You blend into the city

You’re not in it you are it

And that’s not for everyone

But it is nice

To have a place

You belong in

when i get a horse

When i get a horse

I will ride it

And get where im bound

Much faster than walking

It’s somebody to talk to

To listen to my whistle

On the long road

From over here

To over there

When i get a horse

First i will learn to ride it

It may take some doing

I never had a horse before

Never rode one either

Except for years ago

Pony ride at the park

But i was two feet tall

I don’t think that counts

As experience

When i get a horse

We will have to trust each other

I will feed and brush him

Take him out in the field

Where he can gallop

When I’m sitting still

I will tell him all my secrets

Horses are known

For keeping secrets

We will do trust falls

We will do ice breakers

We’ll become real friends

When i get a horse

I’ll never drive again

A horse is like a car

It’s what we used to have

Before we had cars

If you can believe it

I’ll have to add a horn

Other than that

A horse has got it all

Plus it’s alive

A car is dead dead dead

That’s not how i get around

When i get a horse

I will take good care of him

He will take care of me

I will make a clicking sound

From the corner of my mouth

And he will know what it means

I will tie him out front

And he will know I’m coming back

We will ride through the hills

Feel the morning dew

Blowing through our manes

That’s the kind of thing

I want to do

When i get a horse

my hair

I don’t know when it happened

Some time after i had a buzz cut

But before it got long

My hair became an identifier

Other people recognized me by it

I got nicknames for it

That’s the kind of thing

Only way to go

Is roll with it

So i have and it’s working so far

If i went bald I’d prolly die

But i have a plan to avoid this

Lately my hair is

Longer than ever

And I’ve been getting

Even more comments

From the peanut gallery

I’ve gotten a few double takes

In the men’s room at the office

This leaves me grinning

One guy said oops wrong room

Ha ha fool

There is no wrong room to shit in

I just have good hair

My well meaning

Annoying coworker

Has several times

Said i have Game of thrones hair

Today he told me

I look like i could be a hero

Like i could wear a cape like Thor

And wield a mighty weapon

He said this to me and then

He said

I mean this as a compliment

He doesn’t have the spine

To be insulting to me

So i tell him i know and thank you

Guy outside Walgreens last month

Called me young lady

I was also getting a fit off

That’s important to note

He told me god bless you

When i gave him some change

A while back a guy on the street

Asked me how long it took me

To grow it out

He was balding himself

I said i don’t know man

It just grows all on its own

I don’t even have to try

I’m thinking of getting it cut soon

Just a clean up cut

Then back to growing

Only now it’s longer

Than i ever had before

One thing I’m bad at

Is describing what i want

This goes for haircuts especially

I could use a psychic barber

A nice lady who will look in my eyes

And see the vision I’ve got

Of a really cool haircut

Idk that’s all

I got to say on hair

and another thing

I would just love to have my time back

Im only gonna live so long

And of that short life

I’ve only got a decade or so

Before shit starts getting dicey

Before it’s hot enough in summer

To kill a man

Before the conflict

Which is always bubbling

Comes to rest at my feet

And i have no time for leisure

I have no time left to waste

And when i reach this appointed hour

Do you really think

I will be happy having spent

The most precious hours

Of the most precious years

Of my dwindling life

Making money for a corporation

I don’t know how to solve this

How to address the conundrum

It is in fact

A necessity of living

That someone is able to

Derive profit from your existence

But i am stewing on it

Once again

Because i got home late

Too tired to enjoy my life

That registers to me

As a crime

Deserving retribution

But all i can do

Is show up to work tomorrow

Waah waah baby cry about it

Yeah i think i will

If nothing else

I will allow myself

To feel indignant

work con

At a work conference

Yesterday and today

I must quit my job

I must become unemployed

For a month or more

I don’t feel like me anymore

baby noir

I was born in the gutter

I’m speaking figuratively here

Born to my only mother

At the hospital on Gutter Street

No silver spoon graced my lips

My spoon was made of tin

A cheap kind of metal

You could scrape with a fingernail

The doctor took one look at me

He said you’re no good kid

Told me to kick rocks can you believe it

My dear old mom told me it’s time

I started pitching in around here

So i get a job pinching wallets

Before long i find myself

Staring at the wrong side

Of some rusty iron bars

Doing time for doing crime

The officer, tall guy

Skin gray and mottled

He was a no nonsense kind of guy

He picks me up

By the scruff of my neck

Strikes a match and lights a smoke

A deep voice finds its way

Through his thick black mustache

He says listen here kiddo

You’re gonna straighten up

You hear?

From now on you work for me

So i get to working the beat

I take to it quick

Yeah I’m tough on crime

But you best believe

It’s a helluva lot tougher on me

I’m boasting bruised ribs

Busted knees loose teeth

These crooks mean business

And it’s a rough business

For a baby boy like me

Only about as old

As the milk in the fridge

Which just expired

But it dont bother me none

Life is too short

To spend licking your wounds

I��ve got cases to solve

Crooks to bust

Debt to pay

And a beautiful dame on my mind

To keep me warm at night

knuckle sandwich

Here’s the recipe

Slice of bread

White

We don’t use that brown bread

They say is good for you

Go get that

Classic sandwich bread

Mayonnaise

Slice of turkey

Another slice of turkey

Cheddar cheese slice

Too much salami

Thick cut

Like the deli owner

Sucks at his job

I’m talking real thick

And too much of it

This sandwich

At this point

Should be mostly salami

A slice of Monterey Jack

Another cheddar slice

Baby spinach

Overflowing

One slice of tomato

So thin it’s hardly there

And a thick slice of onion

Then

Cottage cheese

Trust me on this

Cottage cheese

Salt and pepper it

Spill a little pickle juice on it

DONT ADD PICKLES

Just a little juice on there

Shredded cheese

The kind you use for tacos

Couple more salami

Just for the hell of it

Toast the top bread only

Spread butter on it

Squish it down

Using both hands

On the counter top

Sweep up the crumbs

And chow down

A knuckle sandwich

Just like mom used to make

It’ll knock your fucking teeth out

sunday

Had kind of an awesome week

Monday eclipse

Tuesday i woke up at 3AM

and had a bad morning

But somehow turned it around

Had a great day at work

Wednesday was chill

Talked to uncle altoid

Got groceries

Thursday after work

After my coworker gave me a cookie

I went to the Gladie

Sidney Gish

Jeff Rosenstock concert

Got drunk and danced

Had fun

Realized that i actually

Think Jeff rosenstock is annoying

And left early

So i got a decent nights sleep

Worked on Friday

Since i took of Monday

Went to a new bar

Id been meaning to check out

Didn’t do much socializing

Besides with the bartender

But i get credit for trying

And i texted some people

I want to hang out with soon

While i ate my Taco Bell

Solid night

Saturday i cleaned the bathroom

Did my laundry

And went on a really long bike ride

Along the lake

Farther than I’ve been before

Talked to some guy

Who complimented my bike

Bought lunch for some guys

Hanging out by the lake

And talked to another biker

When we both almost got hit

By a big damn car

Finished filing my taxes

Except i still have to mail them in

Which seems stupid

Today (Sunday)

I packed a lunch and

Rode my bike to the lake

Ate and read some of my book

Then came home

I’m gonna chill for a bit

Then figure out how to mail my taxes

I don’t have a damn printer

That’s why i filed them online

Fucking stupid

Anyways i had a great week

And it has reminded me

All it takes is good weather

For me to be happy

we live in divine sunlight

My work crush

Gave me a cookie

An extra cookie she bought

And she put her hand

On my shoulder

And said here’s a cookie

So that’s awesome

It is such a blessing

To be alive

dream of some stranger

In my dream we were in love

We took a bath with our clothes on

My mom asked you for advice

We were gonna go to a concert

We were gonna dance

But i was feeling sad

So you held me

And i woke up instead

mine

Gold rush

Canary in my mouth

Soot on my hands, face

That’s how it goes

Down in mine

A solid wall of rock

Will soon be tunnel

Open to walk in

And down down

Towards gems

And precious metals

Mine all mine

All the time

You’ll get lost

Choke on stale air

Confused in dark

It’s not yours

It’s mine

Hammer

Pickaxe

Shovel

Boring drill

My tools

They are mine

And what they make

Is mine

And what they destroy

Mine aswell

It’s mine

All mine

All to me

Mine

pome

The true idea

Can only ever be

Approximated

Maybe you get better at words

And you can get closer

It’s like measuring the coastline

There is always more nuance

More complexity than you bargained for

A map of your hometown

Represented as a rectangle

Seems like some other town

And maybe it means something

Close to what the real thing does

But your town isn’t made of lines

It’s made of air and concrete

Trees and glass and steel

Dogs and cats and birds

And a lot of peoples hearts

As well as the rest of them

The true thing

Cannot be printed flat on paper

Or even on a globe

It’s as big as itself

And ideas are like that too

But the real thing is

Three dimensional

On a fourth dimensional

Sliding temporal scale

Only way to get the whole thing

Is from inside the thing

So sometimes write

The same thing twice

See if you can measure out

A few more bumps in the coast

At the edge of your town

Which isn’t a rectangle

phone home

You look at your phone

A light in your hand

And you think that someone is there

But a person is bigger than a phone

Ten times as big at least

So that can’t be possible

You can’t put a big thing

On the inside of a small thing

They tried that once

And guess what happened

It overflowed

So when you look at your phone

And you talk to it

And you touch it and think about it

Remember that nobody’s inside

All the people are in their bodies

Walking about the world

Weird

dream

Here’s a weird one

I had a new apartment on a busy street. There was a knock at the door and five women standing there trying to push their way in. They seemed confused and offended that i did not want them to come inside. They kept trying to convince me to let them in, pushing inwards until one broke through. Now I’m chasing them down saying you have to leave NOW. and they’re in the back room when the front door opens again and in walk my two bosses from my job. And i had been expecting them i guess. So somehow i grab all five of these wild women in my house and shop them out the front door. And i am greeted by my friend E who is evidently with these women. And i start shouting at her. I’m like you’re blowing up my spot, you’re ruining this opportunity for me (of my bosses to come over i guess?) and i got really serious and slammed the door. Then i went back to my bosses and looked around and saw how much of a mess it was inside. I’m cleaning up pizza boxes and stuff and trying to save face, I’m telling them these people were totally random and unexpected, isn’t that crazy. And I’m doing work talk with them until i look out the window and see that there are many groups of women going from house to house and they just go inside and take all the alcohol from the place. It’s like trick or treating but for drunk women. And I’m still confused by it but now i have the feeling that i am the one who has done something wrong. My ex texts me out of the blue telling me i shouldn’t have acted like that and i should really apologize. Which of course makes me angry and dig my heels in. A lot of moving pieces in this dream, and i can tell where a lot of them came from. Conflict between work and my social life. The stress of moving. Feeling wrong and out of place. These are existing themes in my brain. But they came together in a weird and vivid way last night. Anyways i think we should make my dream holiday real. One day a year where you have to give all the alcohol in your house to random women parading about.

big house

The inside of my house is huge

It is massive really

I’ve got floors for hours

Rooms for days

You could get lost in there

You really could get lost in there

The outside of my house is normal

It’s a nice house

But pretty normal

It has square windows

Rectangle doors

And a triangle roof

A child could draw it

And they have

In one of the rooms inside

There’s a table with paper and crayons

And there’s another room

Called a Kitchen

Where drawings hang on the fridge

The most recent one

Shows the house

With a tree in the yard

And the sun in the corner

And behind the window

On the second floor

A smiling face

A face that knows

How big this house is inside

I lose stuff in here all the time

I can’t even find the room

I thought that thing was in

I’m paying out my nose

For a dozen or so contractors

Any time the plumbing craps out

I’m hemorrhaging cash on this property

This big fucking house

That’s normal on the outside

Not much curb appeal

If i ever wanted to sell

Can’t list this shit on Zillow

This is my big house

And I’m dying in it

Probably turning ghost

Can’t find my way to heaven

Because this house is so big

You could get lost in it

You really could

commuter crush

I have a new crush

We have the exact same commute

And work one building apart

Every time I’m waiting for the train

She comes over and waits next to me

Today we sat right next to each other

Bumping together around the bends

This is the same girl who months ago

Kept smiling at me and i said nothing

Today i woke up late

Got a train 30 min later than usual

And yet there she was

And there were two open seats

So there we were

And still i could not

Would not

Get the courage to speak to her

So i let it draw out

Til we got off at the same stop

Til she followed my lead to the office

Til i saw my opportunity

At the double doors to inside

To hold the door and smile

And say hi

And my heart is pounding

Because speaking is terrifying

She says thanks

Then holds the next door for me

And then we part at the elevator

And this is thrilling to me

In many ways pathetic

I don’t know her name

But i know i will see her again

And that’s fun

Maybe next time we will talk

Probably it will take me some time

I’m more of a slow burn guy

In that

I am terrified of talking to people

So i gotta build momentum

This is the magic

Of riding the train to work

pants

In the last few months

I lost about 25 pounds

I don’t know where i put them

That’s why they’re lost

Thing is

I look and feel

Just about the same

To my own eyes

Only change is

My pants don’t fit anymore

I own two sets of pants

Because this happens

Every couple years

I bloom and i wither

So now i cinch my belt

Waistband looping over itself

When I’m wearing my big pants

The ones i feel comfortable in

That I’ve been wearing all year

But yesterday i noticed

They don’t look like

They belong to me

They’re baggy in the wrong way

So i got out my old jeans

That i haven’t worn in months

Because last time i tried

It hurt me to squeeze them on

They’re still a little snug

But closer to the size of me

Than swimming in the big pants

I don’t know what to make of it

But i own two sets of pants

the empty room

I want to go back to the empty room

Glowing red in its emptiness

An extra empty spot in the middle

Waiting for me to stand there

I’d throw a bottle at the wall

And it’d make the glass breaking sound

But the shards just fade out

When they hit the floor

So i can dance around barefoot

As much as you can call this dancing

Around the nothing on the floor

Nothing leaning on the wall

No windows looking out or in

Just the sourceless red glow

Casting no shadows at all

I would invite you in but

Then it would cease to be empty

The second you stepped inside

We’d find ourselves in a different room

With broken glass on the floor

Blood all over the place

From where I’d been dancing

Clutter in the corners

All of the nothing gone

All of the empty filled

So I’d probably shove you

Back through the door you came through

And go back to the empty room

Where I’ve been all along

log

Every time you go computer

I put a log on the fire

Every time you make “AI art”

I put a log on the fire

Every time you drive to work

I put a log on the fire

Every time you fly on a plane

I put a log on the fire

Every time you build a house

I put a log on the fire

Every time you eat a burger

I put a log on the fire

Every time you fart

I put a log on the fire

Every time you smoke a cig

I put a log on the fire

Every time you leave the lights on

I put a log on the fire

Every time you let the faucet run

I put a log on the fire

Every time you light a fire

I put a log on the fire

How long, do you think

It will be before

The forest is gone

lover

In casual conversation

I’m referring to my friends

As “my lover”

Because:

I love them

And they love me back

But

It’s making me seem like

A weird kind of person

Who has a crazy amount of sex

That’s okay

It’s important to love

And to be honest about it

Words are too small

For the bigness of love

In all of its colors

But i gotta try

That’s my secret

I’m in love all the time

All the time

dream

In my dream

Among the disconnected threads

One place i went

Was to a museum

With my good friends I & L

And we came into this hall

That had AI generated art

And I was ranting about it

I said

There’s nothing more to perceive here

Than a quick glance

There is nothing to gain

From looking at this image

No intent behind it

It looks like nothing to me

It looks like static

And then we went into the next room

And there was a big multimedia work

Of Winnie the Pooh

With his belly out

And i was like

Now this is awesome

This is real art

Then i went to a train station

That doesn’t exist

Where the blue and red lines intersect

And I’d been there before

In some other dream

Kept riding up and down

Escalators leading nowhere

Saw my freshman roommate

Then i think i was with my sister

Riding a tandem bike

But it was vertical

I saw some people

I haven’t seen in a decade

And they kissed my cheeks

It was strange and nice

Lately almost every morning

I wake up with a song in mind

And only rarely

Is it one that i heard recently

Whatever reminded me of it

Is lost to me by the time my eyes open

mona lisa

My family all drew Mona Lisa

And all of their drawings

Look like the person who drew it

I saw it right away

That’s how I learned to draw

It’s the face that i know best

So anybody i draw

Winds up looking

A lot like how i draw myself

I think it’s awesome

Mona.jpg

the bug show

I was probably 10 or 11

And i saw the movie

The Truman Show

And it really fucked with me

Unsettled my reality

When i looked in the mirror

Getting out of the shower

I felt watched

And after checking for cameras

After a few weeks

I calmed down

But that feeling

Never really went away

When i see myself

I feel watched

And i do not like it

Everywhere i go

Faces in the mirror

Eyeballs on doorbells

When i walk into the office

I glare at the security camera

I do not like being watched

Much less by machines

So many machines

Whose primary purpose

Is just to watch me

It does not help the feeling

The paranoia

The self-consciousness

But Jim Carrey did it

And so can I

So i smile into the camera

And i put on a show

Like everything’s normal

Like I’m not being watched

I talk from my butt like Ace Ventura

I say “Somebody Stop Me!” Like The Mask

I do Mister Poppers Penguins

I do Eternal Sunshine

I shouldn’t have done that one

It bummed me out

I do The Grinch

I do Bruce Almighty

Dumb and Dumber

Yes Man

Sonic the Hedgehog

I do Batman Forever

Me, Myself & Irene

And I’m not looking I’m not looking

But i think they’re liking it

All the watching eyes

cars

There’s so many cars

When i stand still

And watch them fly by

It scares me

It really fucking scares me

There’s so many of them

I don’t want to get in the car

I don’t wanna get inside

Not anymore

And thats a problem

Because they’re everywhere

The only way to get where you’re going

Pixar’s Cars is a horror movie to me

What happened to all the people

What did they do to all the people

Oh god

uppercut

There is garbage in the ocean

I say

Clenching my fists

I just keep repeating

Like that would change anything

There is garbage in the ocean

And i put it there

And i can’t get it out

What the hell is the point

Of ducking through this maze

Brandishing a dagger

Pressing the blade to the thick hide

Of a beast which will not bleed

There is garbage in the ocean

And it’s coming for me

To drag me down and choke me

Plastic ring around my neck

I’m about to start punching

Striking out randomly

There has got to be a face

A strong chin i can strike

There’s nothing wrong with violence

It’s just bad manners

The hands can say

A lot more than a mouth can manage

There is garbage in the ocean

And you can’t talk it out

So I’m running around yelling

There’s garbage in the ocean

And punching everyone i see

Because it’s everyone’s garbage

It’s all of their faults

And i see them with their garbage

No doubt bound for open water

And i can’t stop it

My hands are full with plastic

That i have no place for

My hands smell like fish blood

Whatever that smells like

There is garbage in the ocean

I wish it was just one guy

A guy called Mister Garbage

And I’d knock on his door

He opens it up and

Uppercut uppercut uppercut

Spin kick body slam curb stomp

Then it would be over

There’s something in me

That just wants to fight

But all my enemies are

Ubiquitous systems of cruelty

With no big face

No frontman to beat up

Nothing I can win against

Not with knuckles and brawn

There’s garbage in the ocean

And i wish i could punch it

ok so

Made a new work friend!

We have trauma bonded fr

That’s awesome

Despite the trauma

daily affirmations

I gotta quit my job

nobody knows

What’s at the bottom of the ocean

Nobody knows

We can’t breathe underwater

All the guys who tried

Drownded :(

So there’s no telling

What’s down there

Could be another ocean

For all we know

More dense and dark than water

Full of alien life

Slithering through the inky black

Could be there’s monsters

Giant hungry monsters

That eat whales in one bite

Slurp squids like spaghetti

Feed on fish by the school

Could be there’s

A big scary face down there

Smiling and staring up at you

I hope not

But we just don’t know

We can’t get down there

It’s too far to swim

It’s too dark to see

Nobody knows

What’s at the bottom of the ocean

Nobody knows

two beers

The woeful story

Of a man who drank

Two beers

He sat down at the table

Drank one beer

And then a second

And everything became easy

As if before there had been

Inches and inches of skull

Between his brain and body

Now he was right in the drivers seat

No forethought no anxiety

Just the thrill of two beers

He was better at pool

He was better at talking

He was better at everything

But then he had a third beer

And it all went away

Now he was just drunk

And that can be fun

But not transformative

Not in the way two beers is

Two beers is a sacred sacrament

Taps you into the lifeblood

Brings you into the world

Three beers is nothing

Nothing but what beer is made of

He got caught up

In the beauty of two beers

And in his hubris

He flew too close

To the third beer

And came crashing back down

Take heed of this warning

Remember the power

Of drinking exactly two beers

the best

I’d be playing guitar

And think

I want to be the best at guitar

Or likewise

The best at drawing

The best at writing

The best of all at something

Well maybe that’s a dumb thing

A thing not worth thinking

Out of all the stuff in the world

Out of all the thing-doers

You’d like to be the best?

How boring

How neat and tidy

Number one up on top

Being a life is all about

And here’s where i say

What it’s all about:

Trying to cram a universe-sized thing

Inside of a head-sized thing

Making peace with the chaos

And riding it out

So in keeping with chaos

I think it’s best to be just okay

To whittle with mediocrity

Rising and falling

Somewhere in the midst of it all

It is fun to be sloppy

And there can be no best

Not at this not at nothing

That would require order

Presupposing hierarchy

Which there can not be

Not down here in the mess

Breathe in and out slowly

Take the compressed universe

Out from inside your head-vice

And funnel it into creation

Write some words

Play some strings

Draw some lines

You want to be the best at creation?

Not even god could do that

So he made all the creatures

To crawl around and create

Of which you are one

Of which there can be no best

Of these disparate desperate

Claw-footed creatures

Moaning into the night

Howling at the empty sky

The best thing to do

Is to join in

There is no best note in a song

No best voice in a choir

No best cell in the body

I’d be playing guitar and think

Somehow this is indicative

Of a larger eternal struggle

That i cannot play that chord

I would not rob myself of that beauty

To be the best at anything

interface

The body is a vehicle

Self expands out

From the folds of the mind

To head and chest

Arms hands legs and feet

This is You now

And if you climb on your bike

You can reach out further

You can not feel them

But the wheels become you

Your sense of self includes them

Part bike part body

Bike prosthesis

This is You now

And it seems it wouldn’t end

If you put your mind in a machine

Miles of wires and metal

Tendrils reaching outward

The mind would understand

Push out its walls

All the way out

Until it reached the world

And all those systems

Sensors and networks

Like fingers on your mind-hand

This is You now

The mind and the self

Are malleable things

Your body an interface

Connective tissue

Between the world

And the thing that understands it

new grandpa

I made a new grandpa

He’s a sweet old man

Who loves his wife

His kids and grandkids

He likes sitting on the porch

He likes closing his eyes

And listening

He likes to drink beer

He likes his two old dogs

Which he feeds from the table

He’s working in the shed today

He runs his old worn hands

Along the edge of the wood

Before he flips the saw on

And cuts it to size

He takes his time

There is no rush at all

He is a patient man

Who thinks before speaking

He loves watching the sunrise

Dew on the grass in the morning

He doesn’t understand you

But that only makes him smile

He says roots are meant to sprout

Grow away from the seed

Then he hums a song

That you never heard

He doesn’t seem to notice

It just comes to him naturally

Behind his big gray mustache

I made up this grandpa

But that doesn’t mean

He isn’t real

working from home

I set a weight down on my keyboard

And crawl back into bed

I’ve opened all the windows

So i can listen to the rain

I’m watching Columbo

And drawing in my notebook

I have created peace today

And the fools are paying me for it

Ha!

ducky says

Ducky teaches

At the School of Infinite Liberation

She tells me

As long as there is one man

With hands bound

We are all prisoners

As long as any animal

Is born in a cage

We will all be savage beasts

We’re always as far

As we ever have been

From freedom and justice

We can not be human

She says

Until we have paid our debt

Ducky says

She’ll never marry her wife

Because it is a sin

To appeal to authority

Her wife smiles while she’s ranting

Pacing back and forth

At the house party

Chuckling at the correlation

Between drinks consumed

And the volume of her voice

She carries her home

Runs fingers through her hair

Laying in bed staring at the ceiling

She whispers

Ducky I love you

I’ll see you in the morning

Ducky doesn’t work

She says work is for The Man

She’s always taking about The Man

She started saying it ironically

Years and years ago

Now it’s just vocabulary

She cuts her own hair

And when she messes up

Her wife fixes it

Kisses her on the forehead

And gets hair in her mouth

Sputters to spit it out

Ducky starts spitting too

Because it’s fun to spit she says

We’re spitting at The Man now

Taking back what’s ours

Ptoo! Ptoo!

I’m all out of spit

I gotta borrow yours c’mere

Then they run around the house

Cackling and spitting

Ducky says

It’s a long long way off

But we’re going to win

She promised me it’s true

That in the end there is justice

All of this will end happy

Sooner or later

That’s the way of things

Ducky smiles and slaps my back

She says don’t you worry pal

We’re making progress

We just gotta keep on forever

It’s easier than stopping

Then she grabs my face

And tries to make it smile

With handfuls of cheek she says

There that’s better

Which makes me laugh

And i smile for real

She says

Keep your chin up

Your eyes open

Your arms wide

Your knees bent

And we’ll get through this

It’s gonna be alright

It’s all gonna be alright

That’s what Ducky says