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< My First-Ever Mental Breakdown Is A Fantastic Learning Opportunity!
So much of this resonates with me (not the weed, but most of the rest).
I spent years trying to be "normal" and ended up wanting to unalive myself around five years ago.
Then I realised it was just the guy I created that needed to go... not me.
Then I realised the overwhelm of societal and childhood conditioning that had taken me further and further away from my authentic self.
It has been my full-time job for the last two years to really get to know (and love) myself for who I am. The path has included mindfulness, CPTSD recovery (shrinking the inner critic and grieving my childhood lost to shamefully bad parents), and following The Artists Way (by Julia Cameron), shadow work ("Owning Your Own Shadow" was a good start)
When I finally admitted I was a creative, when I finally came to terms with the fact I was gay, when I finally stopped trying to repress my shadow... well, the world opened up.
I'm not there yet, but I see a way forward and it isn't anything like what I thought "forward" looked like five years ago.
Be gentle with yourself.
It's absolutely crazy you say all that, I'm seeking therapy for a very similar purpose (learning to stop suppressing my own identity after a traumatic childhood) and I'm currently reading the artists' way. I knew my struggles weren't unique, but it's still reassuring to see someone both going through and overcoming the very same issues I am.