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⬅️ Previous capture (2023-01-29)
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I play an arcade music game by Konami called "Sound Voltex", which I first picked up in 2015. The game's song charts feature difficulty ratings that range from 1 to 20. Though I've now been playing the game for seven and a half years, I still haven't managed to beat any level-20 charts yet.
A close friend of mine began playing Sound Voltex, which is often shortened to SDVX, about three and a half years ago. He now regularly clears some of the highest-rated charts. This has bothered me a lot in the past. I'd get frustrated at my own inability to progress, and I'd feel jealous of his skills. What bothered me more, however, was that I was one of the only SDVX players in my area back in 2015, so people often came to me when they were curious about the game or wanted to share scores and tips. Now everyone talks to him instead.
I never admitted this to my friend, but every time I played SDVX, I'd begin to think about him. Negative emotions would fill my mind, and I'd tense up and start to perform worse at the game, which of course only fueled my anger. I eventually reached a point where I didn't want to talk to him about the game at all. I didn't want to see his scores and I wouldn't go to the arcade with him. I felt terrible about having all these emotions, because he is a dear friend and I like spending time with him, but I couldn't get the bitter feelings to go away.
Many things have been happening in my personal life this year: events that have caused me to step back and re-evaluate how I interact with the people I'm close to. As a result, I finally went to an arcade with him yesterday, and afterward we got to talking. I told him how I felt, and how bad I felt about it. He had no hard feelings about it, and he assured me he didn't want to brag and didn't want to make anyone feel inferior. He was aware of the fact that I'd previously been the focal point of SDVX in the community, and he didn't really want that position himself--he just enjoyed playing the game.
Even more surprisingly, he still thinks about me a lot when he plays SDVX. That made me feel good. It made me realize that even if I'm not the talk of the town, I'm still remembered, and he still likes talking specifically to me about the game.
I play a version of SDVX at home, and recently I bought a new game controller to play it with. My skills have markedly improved with the purchase. Whether the controller is actually better or I'm simply experiencing a placebo effect, I'm not sure. But it feels good to progress, and it feels even better to not harbor secrets. After all, it's just a game.
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[Last updated: 2022-11-10]