💾 Archived View for corvidae.smol.pub › first captured on 2024-03-21 at 15:03:41. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content
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so... this is the beginning, isn't it? the beginning of what, i don't really know! it depends on if i end up using this more than just for a few days or so, lol! i guess i'll start this journal with what i had in mind when i made it, eh?
today has been basic. it went by really fast, how on earth is it 10 pm already? i woke up at 7 am! i don't know how i woke up that early... i wonder what woke me up... tomorrow is work, typical stuff. i haven't been getting many hours lately, and i wonder if the situation will get any better later on... basically, even with only 2 people clocked in, the boss is still pissy about labor. it sucks. everyone's hours are getting cut, everyone hates it. my brother works with me, and one of our coworkers and him are looking for new work. they're looking into housecleaning, actually. it pays good, even if you work part time. $22/hr, as i was told? not bad at all! my brother asked me if he and his coworker get hired, if i would like him to try to get me a job in that field... i said yes. i honestly think housecleaning isn't a bad sounding job. i'm very socially anxious, i've only ever worked back of house for a reason, and in this job apparently you don't socialize with anyone besides who you work with and your client... it sounds much better to handle than typical fast food work, where dealing with customers makes me anxiety rise up real fast. i hope the best for my brother and my coworker above all else, though. i'm not setting my hopes too high, but i would like a change of pace from my current job. i'm already so bored of it, especially when my hours are horrible at the moment!
my stomach feels kind of empty... i really haven't been eating well lately. well, it's lasted for a while. ever since i got top surgery, my appetite got really impacted by my body recovering from the anesthesia... it feels like my motivation to eat got spiraled down the drain, lol! sometimes it's alright, other times it's like this, where even though i feel hungry, i just... don't feel like getting food. i would much rather sleep it off, which i'll probably do after this. i'll probably have something at work tomorrow. maybe a sandwich, or the crappy mac n cheese... who knows!
i've been decently switchy today. it's one of those switchy moods where i myself don't really go anywhere, i just witness the shifts around me. particularly, arctic and eren were nearby. they expressed their desires to front more frequently. i would like that, i feel like they don't get enough sunlight. i suppose neither of them really feel like they can do what they want to... i don't blame them. in this body, it's hard to find motivation to do anything besides what we're used to doing when we're bored. imagine you're an alter who doesn't care about a good chunk of the collective interests... that means fronting is basically just sitting around doing nothing until you switch out... i know our life doesn't have to be like this. i know we should learn to actually do something... it's just hard. i can't explain why, it just is. it doesn't feel like laziness, or the choice to not do it, more-so it feels like i am literally incapable, like a part of my brain rejects every attempt i make at even thinking about doing something. i suppose trying new things intimidates me, maybe it makes my body freeze in anxiety... i don't know. i know this is a common issue in disorders like adhd and asd, which i do have... it still annoys me. it makes me feel bad about myself. it's hard to defend myself when i get called lazy, because... i just can't explain how this feels. it feels like being paralyzed, but you know you are perfectly capable of moving, so you just feel like it's all your fault... and maybe it is... but whoever i decide to blame doesn't change my circumstances, you know? i hope to figure this out soon, but i don't know how much longer i can handle me saying that whenever i think about this... when will i figure this out? what could i possibly do? i don't know. i don't.
sigh... gloominess aside, i suppose i should wrap up. i don't think i have anything else to write about right now... well, until next time, journal. hopefully this attempt is a success this time :)
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