💾 Archived View for bluet.flounder.online › march24.gmi captured on 2024-03-21 at 14:44:06. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content
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03202024.
having: a weird time
i like my outfit today. G said it's giving working professional but ready to escape, like, ooh, where's she going after this. amazing comment
voice: symptomatic
^ i think i may be experiencing """allergies""" which may be making the normal symptoms worse. i am not usually affected by """allergies""" so idk...
i can't write here about the thing i actually need to write / make a decision about because the writing would be ugly and embarrassing which should really tell me all i need to know lol
i am too weary to agonize
at the coffee shop with hot vanilla latte fighting sleep
03182024. good morning
difficulty of wakeup 4/5
gaining sentience
my eyes are so dry i keep involuntarily slamming them shut which gives me the facial expression of an upset person / a person experiencing pain
trying to have a better week than i did last week
satisfying job moment
a woman had asked coworker how to do something. he showed her, in his fast detached way, she was like ok thanks. she came back later, to me this time, and asked how to do the same task. i went really slow. at the end i asked her to do it so i could make sure it made sense. she was like i get it now :D
trying to decide if i should go to open mic tonight my weekly dilemma
03172024. once again disturbed by how irritated i am by the sound of laughter in public places
03162024. hey flounder
bleh
today is full of dissonance
i have been dating someone since december and lately it's like he can never say the right thing. he responds to everything in an agreeable way but it doesn't sit right a lot of the time. sometimes his replies feel auto-generated or like he just hears keywords and offers something related but not connected. like today when i mentioned people drinking in the library and how it is challenging to address. he was like, i feel like there are better places to get drunk lol. i was like yeah but maybe not if you're homeless. he was like hmm true...and then said something about how our culture has normalized binge drinking but not smoking weed blah blah. like sure i guess but what are we talking about rn. and then i forget what i was trying to say in the first place because he's already rerouted the conversation to whatever talking point he had stored away. also we all know you have a troubled relationship with weed, and that is your business you don't have to justify it by booing alcohol. like how did this turn into me listening to your tired points about why weed good alcohol bad. idk what i really want from people in conversation though, i just know when it feels good and when it doesn't. i do think i experience conversational discomfort at a higher than normal rate though. like i am obsessed with getting meaningful feedback and followup about my ideas
03152024. hey flounder
not doing so good! lol
03142024. hello flounder
alioop i read your love is blind thoughts!!! i came on here to tell you that after watching the reunion i feel more tenderly towards clay and resonate more with your reading of him. i was mostly rageful after the finale but i thought he communicated in an earnest and urgent way at the reunion and it touched my heart in a small way. i was not expecting things to start off with such hostility with the jeramey and sarah ann stuff lol. i expected to hear more from chelsea and jimmy. overall it did what a reunion episode should do, i think
had such a long day
good things:
the high school student from china who came in to get her visa photos taken. i took a bunch for free because she wanted to try different hairstyles don't tell anyone. i asked if she had come to the u.s. with family, she was like no just me, i was like you're brave, she was like, it wasn't my choice :) anyways we gabbed. she is a queen
and then a couple from india came in with a tiny baby, it was their first time at the lib. they were like, you're so nice, i was like, i love you please don't leave, jk i didn't say that
there were bad things too but i will keep them inside for now....
omfg i still have the do the dishes
noo
03122024. hello flounder
back at work...too warm in here wish i was outside. still i am steadily sipping mugs of hot water to prepare for all the customer servicing my voice will have to do today
i barely thought about my voice this weekend (relatively speaking) which was relieving. around family my voice increases in both breaks and volume. i was reminded of the sound of my unmasked disordered voice. normally i am producing a weird masked, tensed version of it. i have been thinking about scheduling another botox injection but i am playing a show on 4/20 and i don't think my voice would heal in time to sing
just did a passport appointment with a fun white family that travels a lot. the first question out of the dad's mouth was "where did you get your jade?" which surprised me because no one asks that and i kind of forgot i was wearing it. i told them it's my mom's from HK and they said "jade always has a story" omg lol. i handed the credit card to the dad with both hands just out of semi-cultural habit and he said "sorry i forgot" because he gave it to me with one hand lol. then they started quizzing their kids for me: "do you know how you would say thank you to her if you were in hong kong?" they were like uh....xie xie? which was closer than i thought they would get, i taught them thank you in cantonese which seemed to delight the parents #enjoyableexotification
can't go anywhere with [] there are always like three random people who know him. still i am glad we took the walk to coffee during break, i am in a better mood now, and the recognitions were funny, especially the last one which involved a woman stopping as she crossed to street to point at him and shout, DJ! DJ!
03092024. good morning flounder
in chicago
trying to enjoy
i am enjoying but whenever i am not home my mood becomes really sensitive to stupid things like if my hair is greasy or if pimple
03072024. good morning flounder
alioop re: love is blind the new episode was some of the most heartbreaking reality tv i have EVER seen........here are some clay quotes ******LIB EP 12 SPOILER ALERT******
an AD quote
poor baby was so heartbroken she could barely speak
i've been listening to this radio show on the college radio here. i haven't kept track of the days but it's usually on when i'm driving to my study spot after work/dinner and sometimes when i'm driving home afterwards. it's three girls and i think they're funny. it is comforting
03062024. good morning flounder
difficulty of wakeup 3/5...an hour earlier than usual because today is a class day. which means i clock out an hour early but stay here to log into zoom class. which is what i did yesterday
came to work in the closest thing to pajamas as i felt was acceptable. i thought briefly about calling in. i'm glad i didn't because [only other coworker who shares my morning responsibilities] called in so i suddenly became important for like 20 minutes
thinking about how 90% of the love is blind men's first utterance after proposing was LET'S GOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
hello flounder (8:29pm) so tired i could cry. still might
they're playing neyo at the coffee shop....it's gonna be ok....
^ SECONDS after typing this the barista hit skip and put on some passion pit sounding thing.....it is not gonna be ok.....
wait now they're playing 2000s avril lavigne.....it IS gonna be ok.....
03052024. hello flounder
difficulty of wakeup 2/5
keep thinking about [] blehhhh. stop
03042024. good morning flounder
too warm
difficulty of wakeup 1/5
having the on the edge of tears feeling not in the hopeless way
E left her yerba mate and her little gourd, i am going to drink it and miss her
i can feel myself drifting! how to return? just do my homework i think
hey flounder (10:12pm)
at the coffee shop, the one that is always full of undergrads. where do the grad students study? i would ask reddit but i don't think they would be nice
gonna edit the nick hakim wikipedia entry, there's nothing about the newest album
this cafe has two sections. the other one is cozier and plays music with words, and the lighting is weirdly too dim but also harsh. this section is brighter with bigger tables and plays lofi to study to. neither vibe is great but this one makes more sense to me
i didn't go to open mic tonight, i have a feeling D didn't either, i think something is weird with us right now, and i think we are both aware. no one sent the "where are you?" text
today i remembered [cursed ex from summer 2023]. we hung out at this coffee shop a couple times, outside on the patio. i remember he said something like about how he appreciated that silence was just as important / special to our conversations as the words. i thought this was really sweet at the time. it is actually exactly the type of thing i like to hear from a partner or friend. the warming weather is making me think of summer a lot. summer 2023 was crazy. all i did was drink coffee, sweat, fall in love, cry
03032024. hello flounder
at the cafe with a vanilla latte being the woman from the reductress headline who has never denied herself anything
watched a good documentary today, left the theater with a dreamy feeling
said bye to E and A, neither for long
class registration opens tuesday 3/5 at 11:30 bluet do not forget.
sometimes when i go for a little while without being depressed or heartbroken, i start to get anxious because it feels like i've lost touch with a part of myself. i felt most me when i was very lonely in a new city right after college. it was not good
chelsea and jimmy continue to exhaust me. they remind me of my relationship with [] if i had been worse and if [] had been better. ken is the biggest disappointment of the season because wtf. or maybe jeramey. all the shots of the men fucking around on their phones while their partners sit nearby waiting to be engaged with fill me with dread and make me want to be on my phone less
03022024. hello flounder
at the cafe with a matcha latte soon (i think) to be joined by D
someone near me is coding something and there are a lot of colors going on. that is all i know
i finished two papers yesterday, one about downsizing and one comparing HTML and MARC, i didn't really see the point of either to me personally, but it was interesting to read and write about these random things
i should've brought a book
i don't have much to say right now this is just part of my settling into a cafe routine
difficulty of wakeup today: 2/5
E arrives in the evening
03012024. hello march
alioop thank you for teaching me the word marginalia
re: feeling zoomed-in i think it was like...the narrative voice felt like it was inside my head...and the narrators+characters were extremely sensitive to each other...so it was like a lot of lenses pointed towards each other...idk!
here is a passage. it is something that one of the characters has written about the other, and now the subject (dorothy) is reading it
dorothy is a huge woman, who floats with the slow grace of the always fat in airy, gaudy single-cloth garments of indeterminate nature. her face is intelligent, and her emotional intensity rises from her like a force field. in conversation, she is incisive, and she displays an acute sensitivity to nuance and an uncanny ability to read a situation emotionally by scanning the minutia of expressions and gestures that frame it. when she talks of the early days of the Definitist meetings, she does so in symbolic, mythological terms...when she discusses the split between Bradley and Granite she is like a child talking about her parents' divorce a month after it happened...
so all week when i was interacting with and observing people it kind of sounded like this in my head. and i was also kind of noting my own actions in a similar way. it was weird!!
here is the marginalia btw. i think they are phrases lifted from various places in the book but i'm not sure because i don't remember reading these phrases and many of them are not grammatical. it's all written like this in a block on the last page
memorys remains
a rosary electrical haloed
clinging to beautys circling flotsam in the violent energy roiled ocean
rosary necklace of emotional muzak
hard boned erotic ferocity
dying in the attempt
an exchange of promises, stretched scream
a wound wrapped
nourishment flows from your mouth
lunge into pain
resonate supplication
freedoms black emptiness
between the here before us
dead heated air cleft
cloud swallowed heart