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3.19

the person sent a pic of my wallet for confirmation yesterday and it looked busted asf it was embarrassing. so i’m buying a new one

just went on a walk with my cubicle neighbor to tell her that one of her habits is so annoying that i spend less time at my desk bc i physically don’t want to be there. and it went really well and i feel a million times better. so awesome

one of my roommates is going through a mean girl era and it is so scary i’m just gonna go into hiding this week

im listening to Wellness by Nathan Hill at work right now and i really like it. the beginning is hard to get into which i did thru the physical book, now i can listen to it bc it’s “broken in”

blake went back to school and i really miss him :(

3.17

my wallet got found yayyy

went to st patrick’s day parade yesterday with no money, no id and phone on 38% i feel like i’m in my dirtbag narrative

i need to stop being judgmental, it’s getting bad. i’m just so angry & annoyed all the time by various things and i think it’s a coping mechanism to feel above it all but it’s getting outrageous. i’m going to stay home and run all week, i need to take a break from the public. minus the mold gold/riddle m show on friday, i’m going to that

3.16

got my wallet stolen in cottleville, missouri

tonight. be honest should i end it all or no

3.15

i want to go to pitchfork festival for saturday and then leave. need some co-conspirators

3.14

found out a couple weeks ago that my high school frenemy that kicked me out of the friend group converted to judaism, got married, and now lives in israel and recruits americans to go over there (presumably for military reasons). i think she got into this from birthright. she went to washu for premed to “disprove mental illness” but ended up changing to jewish and islamic studies her first semester. wtf

this weather has rebooted me. im ready to be a person again. i deactivated my personality briefly but im in the groupchat begging my roommates to go dancing with me tomorrow we’re so back

3.13

watched dune 2 yesterday in the theater. don’t watch both in the same day it was too much

3.12

watched dune at work today at my desk

3.7

idi i think you were right i just tend to assume everyone is my age. my bad!

have been feeling weird and bad recently. feeling disconnected from my friends but when i talk to them i don’t feel better i just feel like something’s not right. i don’t really have anything to say and what ends up coming out of my mouth feels boring. spring used to be my favorite season but now i hate it, i always get so depressed that every single thing becomes uninteresting and i feel hopeless about the future. i keep obsessing over everything feeling “right” which used to be a background noise kind of thing but now it’s everything, it’s all a sign of what’s to come. today my coffee was good so i will have a good day and things will get better for me, but oh wait i have a headache so that means it’s gonna be bad, my eucalyptus branch at my desk fell down so that’s two bad things so that means it will be bad for awhile, etc. i have this idea that there’s an equilibrium i can find where everything will feel “right”, i just have to find it. so i get anxious about changing anything or getting rid of anything because what if that thing was helping it be “right” and now it’s gone. so i’m trying to find a therapist to help me with this because it’s becoming unmanageable <3

3.4

met someone i really liked tonight. her name was Lou but i know nothing else about her besides she’s a perpetual grad student at SLU. flounder do your thing

2.28

i think they eliminated the position i applied for because no one who applied got it. swag

feeling absolutely no particular way about this result besides mild relief which is very telling. i hate change and my life is going bad right now i don’t want to change jobs AND buildings fuck that

i need to request two full weeks off in august but i’m very nervous to do that. what if they say no. i’ve already paid for the entire trip that just won’t do!

going to see the lighthouse at amc alone tomorrow tonight. i have a feeling it will fix me. i feel good and i look good today so i’m already feeling better. i have an older lady at work who is a sweater connoisseur and when she tells me she likes my sweater i know it’s a banger. she told me that today during the team meeting in front of everyone and i was like “i got dressed this morning hoping you’d say that :D”

i used to think i would not care about aging but i am almost 24 and i’m scared and i feel like i can see my face changing. i think once i’m happier/less stressed i won’t think about it anymore but right now i feel ugly. and not smart too. unrelated but it’s how i feel

2.26

watching sex in the city in my bed instead of going to work bc i’m sick!

2.25

still sick

saw madame web on friday and we thought we were gonna be the only ones in the theater but before dinner we checked our fandango seats and two people chose their seats right next to us. in the entire open theater. terrifying

it ended up being a pretty full theater once we got there so it wasn’t so bad

2.24

throwing my guts up randomly at my friend’s galentines day party. she planned elaborate activities that are so fun and i am so so sick i feel horrible on multiple levels

2.22

ok just did a job interview and i want the job so so so bad and i think i did really good. regardless of the result i think i will be more normal now that that’s over

2.21

stressed. i have aged facially in the past couple months from stress i think. swag

2.20

finished the curse today at work. horrifying

went to the soccer game today. healing

discovered many hax: 1. park at ballpark loop village and take the trolley to the stadium. runs every 30 min before the game apparently so if timed correctly you can avoid the busy exit both times and get in and out quickly. also, i bought the cheapest ticket i could find and stood closer than where my seat was. therefore i could have more fun

2.19

the recruiter for the job i applied for called me twice today but i had my phone on mute :/ will call back tomorrow. but why did i have my phone on mute at home girl you do not need to focus that much for cooking dinner

have been so stressed that real life details are working into my dreams. i dreamt about travel visas last night

going to the stl city game alone tomorrow because i got a deal from work. i love to go to things alone but this feels like another level. im worrying about taking the shuttle from ballpark village to city stadium vs finding a lot to park in like wtf am i actually doing. i hate to say this, it is tired, but i literally am just some girl. can i just come watch and then leave and it not be a whole thing pleaseeee i’m actually gonna freak out

i am really anxious these days and running helps. i also call blake most days and he lets me say all my worries at once in a jumble and he tells me why i’m being silly and what is actually something to worry about. but i feel like socially retiring for the rest of february, i feel like i’m being a disappointing friend. i really just cannot give my best right now

but anyways i will have an interview later this week wtfff this is so random i really care about it though. if you pray please mention me. if you manifest please say “emma will get this job”. many blessings to all

2.17

running at the ymca right now. just put down a minimum payment to go to europe this august :o doesn’t feel real. maybe because i’m depressed rn. i’m trying to think about how excited i will be in the future but right now i’m scared and tentative all the time. trying to decide if i want to go out tonight

2.16

vampire weekend is coming to st louis music park. never been there, any thoughts on it? should i try to get front seats or is there a strategic spot to sit which is better? this is one of my favorite bands so i want to be able to dance

applying for a new job in my company. can everyone put a prayer up for me please

have started running this month to manage my emotions and have been journaling every day. that’s how you know a girl is going thru it

2.15

should’ve done a cry log for this year. i am spiritually unwell

catchphrase of the week: whateva

2.12

literally found a cursed ring in my room that belongs to no one and it is so scary. it’s a triangle with an eye in the middle and sunbeams coming out of it. like exactly how you would imagine a cursed ring

except now everything in my life is getting better since i’ve found the ring. it could be the lunar new year but something was overturned. i was reaching psychotic levels of anxiety but things are getting restored. booyah

ran for 15 min today. huge bc i hate running

meeting blake in columbia on thursday for late valentines day :3

2.11

mardi gras was unreal. i had the best time ever. once my friend morgan left it was just me and my roommates and we danced in the street for hours, then we went inside to a random bar and danced upstairs for hours. someone gave me shrooms and i stuck them in my jeans pocket. wtf

2.10

feeling weird today

im very anxious these days. worried it’s reflecting in how i act. going to have a beer at mardi gras and try to act normal

2.9

feeling antsy af today

2.8

passed out in my bed at 8:15 last night, too tired to shower. still didn’t want to wake up in the morning which means something’s up.

told my boss i was sick, took a shower and read my book in bed which was lit. walked through washu and read a book on cannabalism in the library, went to SLAM and the zoo after. got a big santa lollipop for $1 from the zoo candy store to eat on the way home. walking home now and my feet hurt really bad. i had fun though, it was a good decision

walked 8.5 miles today & am delirious with endorphins. laughing my ass off at instagram reels rn

2.7

cried on the way to work today but now i feel amazing

last night was so awesome and fun. i met the last member of soup activists that i didn’t know and they made me laugh so hard. i love when a show has a fire pit

let my roommate’s cat sleep with me last night. felt weirdly intimate because he’s a really strange cat. i can’t tell if he likes me or if he’s just addicted to my bed. he acts so much like it’s his room that sometimes i feel genuinely bad when i move him out of my spot or i lock him out. macy said i have a little brother relationship with him and it’s very true. i feel like he understands what im saying to him so i talk to him like a real child. i explained to him yesterday why i didn’t want him on the counter in a very rational way and he stood and listened and left when i was done. he’s baby but sometimes i really get the creeps a little bit

2.6

accidentally deleted my feb journal entries bc i closed out of the tab i am so unlucky this month

lindeman’s framboise lambic beer……

best drink ever

1.29

high school boyfriend requested to follow me on insta last night

he lives in dc now and asked “what happened that night in summer 2021” and i said “what do you mean” but what i wanted to say was “you were getting secretly wasted at a house show and then almost puked in my car and we yelled at each other and then didn’t speak again for 2.5 years”

i told him i would elaborate if he unblocked me on spotify. such a rare opportunity to be toxic i had to seize it

was worried about telling blake for some reason but i texted him and he was just like “woah that’s interesting”. i love him so much!!! i’m getting teary eyed thinking about it

1.28 pt 2

got home, went to Cane’s, ate in the restaurant by myself and then saw Zone of Interest at alamo. perfect sunday afternoon

i’m so happy i love my friends and i feel loved in return

1.28

i had the most perfect beautiful night in decatur, illinois last night

caleb (marble teeth) and shauna have an extremely cool house. their toilet is black and the sink is sea shell shaped, among other novelties

me and X got pizza last night at a local place which was amazing and we got back to the house we heard it was the best in town from a lot of people. felt like i hit the jackpot

carter ward is such a celebrity to me that i always get nervous around him but we talked last night and he was really really cool. he’s gonna send me a cassette of one of my favorite albums ever (new plateau)

we also saw harrison (riddle m) and i love that guy!!!!! i’m addicted to his vibe! he is one of the most fascinating people to talk to. at one point he asked me what i meant by “big fish in a small pond” and i was disarmed by this. very sweet man. everyone hung out at the house after the show and played hot dice and was really into it. caleb put some records on while we played. really couldn’t imagine that night going any better

about to have breakfast with caleb and then we’ll head back home and listen to the Riddle M cd that X and i each bought. he’s so good, like jeff mangum

1.27

decatur today for marble teeth oh yes

exp open mic was so fun, there were so many people there and the vibe was good. i went with my coworker who works at corporate now and she gets paid a bunch of money to travel the country and eat at fancy restaurants basically. the idea of getting high up in my company actually kinda scares me bc it’s where the legit money is and idk if i’m ready for that. she went to the ritz carleton and had to wear a ball gown or something like that and i literally wear jeans to work and process paperwork and listen to audiobooks every day and i like that a lot. but i feel like i need to start getting my foot in the door bc if i can use this connection i could have a major career. and i studied communication in college so i would be lucking out like crazyy

but idk we’ll see

have been feeling so awkward recently. feel like i have no swag. i have nothing to say to people. wanted a beer last night but i woke up this morning and was glad i didn’t. the only alcohol that doesn’t gross me out is stag

1.24

today kinda rocked. the first thing someone said to me this morning was that i smelled really good and that my perfume works well on my skin specifically. that meant sooo much to me bc i’m transitioning out of my current perfume (replica coffee break) and i’m trying to find my new signature. the one i was wearing is blonde by dedcool and i ordered the full size today :)

halfway thru my dark vanessa and watched The Curse at work today. a coworker said my banter with J is their favorite part of work. interesting thing to say but i love the attention

going to decatur, illinois this weekend for the marble teeth/carter ward/riddle m house show it’s gonna be awesome

i also made really good banana chocolate chip muffins and now i’m reading in bed and planning on going to sleep at 9 <3

i feel like i’ve been very absent this past month but it was for the best, i needed a break from everything. but now i’m back and feelin good, i’m ready to have fun

1.23

i want to go to europe this summer so bad. i have the money i just need someone to go with

all of us strangers was really not that good. and i have a negative theater experience in every theater except alamo now. idk if i’ve said that already. some teens talked the entire way through wonka, a couple was texting during mean girls and showing each other their phones, and tonight my roommate was on bad behavior (flicking her hands back and forth inexplicably) which has nothing to do with marcus ronnie’s in particular but i didn’t enjoy it

if zone of interest isn’t good i have to quit watching movies

1.22

SNOW DAYYYY from work today

got home at 11 last night and went to bed at 1 so thank god honestly

gonna smoke and watch tiktoks in my bed. i love being dumbfounded and trying to decipher them

protein shake and slim jims for lunch at 1:43pm. i used to dream of days like this

1.21

we went to the amish grocery store in kirksville this weekend and it was awesome. he got a bunch of frozen food for extremely cheap which he was ecstatic about and i got good snacks like blueberry yogurt covered pretzels and liters of cold brew for .79 and spaghetti strings of licorice (i was equally excited)

we also started Girls which is my favorite show and we watched the whole first season and he said “i freaking love this show”

the fact that he enjoys the things i love on a level that’s the same as mine is so special to me. it wasn’t always like this, i think it’s something we’ve grown into. we think well together, it’s like we have the same radar for what is Good. When a vibe starts to feel off i just have to look at him and he’s thinking the same thing. and then we talk about it and he describes it in a better, more concise way. i feel like i’ve gotten what i’ve always wanted, the other half of my brain in a person who has the strengths that i’m missing

in marriage story there’s a part where she says “he dresses well, never looks embarrassing, which is hard for a man” about adam driver/noah baumbach which has been rolling around in my head.

going to be applying it as a framework now. mine is: he respects the sanctity of the amish grocery store, which is rare for man. you see what i’m saying

going to go back up in two weekends to watch more Girls

1.20

in kirksville with blake and there’s no party this weekend so some serious eating and movie watching is getting done

1.18

roomie movie watching plan:

anatomy of a fall tonight at home

all of us strangers at alamo drafthouse for discount tuesday

zone of interest premiere at frontenac

this january i am committed to catching up on movies. in february i want to get into going to YMCA fitness classes

walked 7 miles around my neighborhood last night according to my health app. it is so true that everything is revealed to you on a walk

1.17

surprising my boyfriend by visiting him in kirksville this weekend and he just texted if i can come visit him ummmmmmm

it’s so hard coming up with a lie, even a temporary one. i feel guilty. i said “i’ll see what i can do”

1.16

cough is going away. gonna stop wearing my mask at work tomorrow. everyone is getting hyped for the face reveal

wonka was good. getting tired of haters. especially when they’re not even funny. like wow you gave it a 2 on letterboxd but for what. you look like a fool

today J at work said “you haven’t said a single word to me in two days” (not true) and i told him he has where’s my hug energy

finished yellowface today and everything feels so much better in general

also fandango finally emailed me a screening date for zone of interest which is a relief bc i genuinely google it every single day. worried they’ve flagged me bc they’re like why does this girl wanna watch this holocaust movie so damn bad. jumping for joy

1.15

last entries got deleted for some reason oh well

my dad came to replace my car battery and bring me food <3 he is the best

i think there is mold in my house from the basement flooding yesssss

my cough went away at work and is back at home LFG

we can finally use the washer again and now 7 girls are trying to use the washer all at once..tonight was so brutal, you had to be QUICK with your timer or else someone already has your shit out of the dryer and theirs inside

2024 is tearing my ass up but i believe that it’s only january that will be bad

1.12

storm is brewing…i fear that i will be full blown sick tomorrow

idk if i said this but they’re digging out the sewage pipe at my house and replacing it bc the basement was constantly flooding, so we haven’t been able to use the washing machine or dishwasher all week. went to the laundromat yesterday for the first time ever and it was kinda cool

1.11

meanposting: when i have an amazing evening i’m always like woah what’s different? and it’s almost always: bad roommate is out of town and took her cat

worse cough and looking jaundice-y today, is it over for me

otherwise feeling good

bought last-minute john mulaney tickets for tomorrow oh yeah

my budget math MUST be wrong bc last payday i had $600 leftover from my last paycheck which feels impossible? but i go long stretches without buying something sometimes. so the ticket purchase felt practical. i want to watch a weeklong vlog of every purchase someone has made. and then i want to watch a bunch of different kinds of people doing that. and after that i could understand people on a whole other level. but people’s purchasing habits are foreign to me. my family only bought 12 packs of soda, I never had soda outside my home growing up because that was more expensive. but now some people buy coffee or soda everyday, and i could do that too, with my adult money, if i wanted to. i want to understand the life of the kind of person who buys the same thing everyday. that feels like information that would be clarifying to me

i think the most dangerous kind of consumerism is being addicted to buying little things. like trinkets on amazon that are cheap junk. it’s supposed to be a helpful tool but you forget about it so it’s just clutter. and i think that’s why christmas can be kind of a tense holiday for me in some ways, because seeing that cheap junk makes me sad. it’s lifeless and uninteresting. it fills me with dread probably because it’s something that has to be dealt with now, another chore that prevents me from getting home. gotta drop this off at goodwill, or whatever. no! i wanna go home and read my book! maybe my resolution should be focus on guarding my reading time during the winter. i like having designated time for reading and adjacent hobbies, where i can have the book in bed next to me, read 2 pages, and then go back to my activity. like knitting or puzzle books. i feel like i need to give myself permission to indulge in that

been really craving the feeling of a childhood sick day recently. everyone else at work has been sick and gotten to stay home a day or so, but im one of the only ones who hasn’t. some people get covid and have to miss a whole week of pay or use 5 vacation days, but i’m still jealous of them bc they get a break

my older married woman coworker is in love with my 23 year old boy coworker friend J and flirts with him in a baby voice all day and it’s crazy boots! she has a one-sided inside joke with him about how he’s 19. she says it in the Microsoft Teams groupchat too, things like “J, you be quiet! You’re 19, you’re an adult now! Stop whining!” and it’s flirty af!!! in front of my boss and everything

she is very cute and sweet though, one time she coiled up a piece of copper medal in a spiral and gave it to me because she thought i would like it. it reminded me of how crows will bring shiny items to their favorite people. and she coquettified my desk, complete with a white bow on the chair. and today she gave herbs from her husband’s garden to everyone who did her work for her while she had covid. i came back to my desk to a giant branch of some type of herb. it was wonderful and bizarre.

her 3 year old french bulldog died today and she left at 2pm, an hour before we’re allowed to leave. which was fine, you won’t get in trouble, but it was an extravagant departure. it felt significant and uncanny to watch her cry about her dog in the middle of my aisle at the office. same feeling as the fighting scene in the tax office of everything everywhere all at once, vibrance where you would least expect it. if that makes sense. it was shocking and real, but like idi said once, “lots of much emotion for 3pm on a friday”. same vibe

1.10

half-sick today. not fully sick enough to leave work but still coughing and getting chills. freaky feeling

update: i did not get covid from ballpark village

we lost the work Family Feud finals but one point. today seems very unlucky based on everything i’ve heard from people

have been scrolling too much recently. and the constant, compulsive checking of something is driving me crazy. embarrassing to be addicted to looking at pictures and videos, i must change my ways

read Anthem by Ayn Rand last night, it was fine

1.7

greened out really bad on friday in an embarrassing way. it was immediately a ‘take off your clothes and lay under the fan on high’ situation. even opened the window for a crosswind which was nice given the circumstances. in my stupor i started getting scared that reading infinite jest is making me more depressed and that dfw’s suicidal tendencies are seeping into my brain via this long paranoid post-modern tapestry. i still can’t tell if that was just my own greened out paranoia or if i was onto something

have been depressed recently regardless. been staying home in a serious way recently, partially bc covid, but also because i just really don’t want to do anything. i don’t have the heart right now. i went out with my high school friends last night because i haven’t seen them in awhile and i felt bad. we went to the new Golden Gems bar and it was less tacky than i thought it would be but it was packed with every 30 year old in the city going on their Hinge date, so we left and went to ballpark village (fml). my friend’s ex boyfriend and friend of 6 years just died and we talked about that. it was nice to talk about grief with them, they’re the kind of people that i can complain to about literally everything and they’re right there with me

but now im feeling not great today and i’ve convinced myself that i got covid at ballpark village (even bigger fml). but im a hypochondriac so i took a shower and am having a protein shake before bed and i think that will make me feel 100% better (physically) honestly

sophie told me her cousin told her that you can download every 3ds game that’s ever existed onto your 3ds by going to this website. it takes you to a page where the only thing is a giant button that says “INSTALL HAX” (hacks with an x) and when she clicked it her whole ds turned black and won’t turn on again. apparently it worked for her cousin and he asked if she gets a new 3ds will she try to install the hax again

1.4

went to dinner with a person’s family and they are so bland and did not speak to me the entire time wtf im annoyed

getting to a point where scrolling social media makes me physically ill. part of me hopes i get a little sick so i can stay home and read because that’s all i want to do. but i’m also deathly afraid of getting covid rn so i really don’t actually want to be sick. considering retiring doing activities for the rest of january. been really irritable recently and i don’t have the energy to have my full personality right now

1.3

alex i will check tomorrow!

passed my covid test

i love infinite jest because it’s about two things i love deeply: tennis and being analytical about weed

that sounds “im checking the internal temperature of the tamales” of me but it really is true. i looked up a book club podcast for infinite jest and the first episode is titled “Are they addicted to the process, the secrecy, or the drug?” which is a major theme of the first part of the book. i’ve been feeling less exhilarated by weed because i don’t have to go through the stressful process of contacting a dealer, actually getting them to coordinate a time and place, and then smoking it in secret, hiding the smell, worrying about cops. or go to extreme lengths to hide it from my deeply religious parents. but that was fun, every time i thought about smoking i felt excited out of my mind. and nothing has ever made me feel like that. i’ve considered doing other drugs but that’s dangerous thinking, replacing one because it’s not doing what it used to do for me. and i think the purpose it served me in that period of my life is one of a kind, something that’s warmly associated with youth/teenage years. and there’s not another drug like that really. i like the way the title is phrased, i feel like it puts into words what i’ve been peripherally aware of the last couple years. love it when that happens

was reading on the bicycle at the ymca and im pretty sure my scary neighbor was passing me on the track. we kept looking at each other for a beat too long. he’s scary because he always stares at me for several beats too long when i’m outside. was beginning to craft an explanation that he was obsessed with me and 7 other girls in my house but the fact that he seemed to not recognize me squashes that. hooray!

1.2

fishbb.nyc is blocked on my work computer

:(

at nye party i spoke to a man with a popular singer’s name that i met in the summer and haven’t seen since. i remembered all the things he told me and he was caught off guard by this, said he didn’t even remember the conversation because that was the first week he had moved to st louis. i told him “i remember everything everyone tells me” very earnestly, which is coming on strong for a second meeting but it’s mostly the truth

i do think that’s a trick to being likable, being deeply interested in other people’s lives. and letting it stick with you. sometimes i feel like my memory is getting worse and then something like that happens

made muffins with the three leftover zucchinis. they’re good but i can’t help but think of deb from community mission giving me this huge, violin sized zucchini. these ones don’t taste as good as those. so if anyone finds a giant zucchini at a farmers market this summer please buy it for me, i will pay you in money or muffins

second day back at work tomorrow. my team is in the finals of the branch-wide game of family feud. kinda a big freakin deal.

what people don’t know if that i am very competitive at games and things. i don’t mind if i lose but i really love trying to win.

blake is sick this week and i haven’t seen him since thursday. been trying my hardest not to send him an 8 ball imessage request. instead i texted him “what’s up” while i was at work today. kinda fun. i hate texting but i miss talking to him so bad that i just sat texting him for awhile lol

i am so bad about making fleeting into journal…..

but one last thing before i go to sleep! on nye i was talking to someone who recognized me bc i like their tattoo insta pics. and they kept speaking very fondly of people who engage with their posts. it kinda helped click in my brain that i should engage with people more… like i always convince myself to not like an insta story bc that person will think i’m annoying. or i delete my responses to things. and them (tattooers) being so appreciative & genuinely fully of love for people who like what they make was like ohhhh ok duh, this is all just a medium for praise! why would anyone ever be angry at me for saying something of theirs is cool. so i pledge to be more bold about that kind of thing. especially because i think a talent of mine is being able to articulate why i like something or someone. watch this space

1.1

had a dream that i was running a marathon but i could do it over the course of a couple days

that idea was really exciting to me even though i hate long distance running