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It has been a matter of great deliberation for me how best to spend my time, and to do so in a way that provides a good return on the future, perhaps not economical, as I am not so much interested on those matters of liquidity, but in the quality of my time in the future as well as the utility I may have, be it for myself, my family, or even for society, much as I find myself showing such contempt for the current state of society. The truth is, that being myself a rather unimportant individual who has not yet made his time on this Earth worth to anyone, and having received so much from other people, that I acknowledge the great debt I have towards those who have benefited me, directly or indirectly, knowing or unknowing, and that I should make the investment of such resources that have so far kept me alive to be in any way meaningful.
Given that I avoid work like the plague, I take to study, with the hope that in the future, the fruit of such studies may serve to improve things somewhat, if only to those closer to me who have taken such pains to allow me to keep existing while also doing nothing but consume resources for which I am as yet unworthy.
Knowledge is wide, and one of the main problems is to choose, out of the great pool of knowledge that so many minds have developed over generations, one that I can make profitable use of and to keep up with the great tradition, the only one that I can appreciate and hopefully participate in.
I take to languages, more as a personal interest than as an actual investment for the future. The same can be said of most subjects I am interesting to me, which are abstract in nature. The other areas of knowledge which draws my interest are technical: it is mathematics and it's young sibling computer programming.
Despite having a knack for such "difficult" subjects, my intellectual capacity is very limited, I am by no means a smart person, but I do hold the firm belief that even a person such as me can manage to learn such hard subjects and put them to use.
But even then the fields are big, they are huge, and the amount of knowledge in each field often makes me wonder how anyone manages to become an expert at all in them, being our time in this place so limited, or maybe their brain capacities are indeed much larger than mine, a possibility that I do not discard, as I acknowledge I am quite limited. Even then, it is important for a person to acknowledge and even make use of their own limitations and resources, their weaknesses and strengths. If I am not able to absorb all the contents of a textbook, at least I could be able to understand the big picture enough to be able to look up the details when I need them.
And yet, even then, the available knowledge is so large that just to read through a book and outline the main themes and understand the patterns is quite a daunting prospective, and, again, to make a choice of the available didactic matter and literature itself amounts to a research project.
To focus, however, on one thing has always been hard for me. There are many other things that, even though I do not expect to actually become proficient at, so draw my attention at times, and with such strength, that I cannot help but look into them and follow the white rabbit enough to find myself in a whole world for which I have not the time to explore, not even to learn enough about it to be able to say I know anything at all!
The fact is that I burn out quite quickly. That my mental capacity is so limited that I can barely make a dent in any one subject without feeling exhausted. MIne is the curse of dull-witted curiosity, one that aims to know a lot more than my mental capacity allows. And yet I cannot give up for I have nothing much more to do with my time. I have a home and a partner for which I want to provide to the best of my ability, even if such ability is quite limited.
Perhaps my insistence on taking on hard technical subjects is nothing but vanity, and I ought to limit myself to the physical tasks that I can permit myself in this home. And yet, my physical capacity is quite limited and to be honest I am a very lazy person. This has caused me so much trouble but my brain so resists doing that which I do not find meaningful, I honestly think I am broken and not very good at being human. Actually, I am not at all good at being human, as every human endeavour I try to engage in I fail miserably. Socially, economically, even my partner suffers from my many shortcomings. I am, however, committed to my partner and my family and my home, and I will keep trying to fight my own nature for as long as I can.
Life has been so far very generous with me, but I'm afraid I am not up to the task of being reciprocal, I am able to do very little and even those things I do poorly. I feel bad that I am enjoying such a nice environment while many people who do far more that I ever did have to suffer such privations, even those close to me who have sacrificed so much to allow me to get to where I am currently standing. How can I keep enjoying all the good that I have when I am unworthy of all of it?
Up next: fuck this I have nothing to talk about.