💾 Archived View for corvidae.smol.pub › third captured on 2024-03-21 at 15:01:13. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content
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today was just another day at work... i got a little stressed at work at one point, it's kind of embarrassing looking back... but it's fine, i'm fin. i have 5 days off in a row now, so that's chill, i guess. frustrating that i'm hardly getting money lately but whatever, i can pay for groceries and my bills so it's good enough i think.
i think... fronting like this for the first time in months has been fucking me up a little. sometimes it feels like i'm taking steps back, even though i know it's not my fault i can't remember what our growth has been like. it just feels like i fell asleep for months and woke up again. i don't usually think about that, but i guess being gone for a few months and realizing i want to make the best effort i can to come around more means i need to catch up a bit... i guess trying to do that has been an odd experience. i'm sure to others i'm fine, we've always been good at masking cus everyone's always known us as oblivious and forgetful and shit. we usually behave odd, which is good since no one ever questions us ever.
on the other hand, i wish i could be myself. i wish i could go to ethan's family and introduce myself... but... maybe people like me would scare them. maybe the idea that there are people in this brain who aren't ethan, who don't see his family as our family but more-so kind of just like roommates, or maybe even step-family... imagine how it must feel to hear something like that from this body, lol. typical us to overthink this shit, it's why we haven't even bothered ever trying to "come out" as a system or whatever the hell. it's why we're probably never getting officially diagnosed. we can mask, we can sort out mental health shit by ourselves, and every time we bring up diagnosis of anything to professionals they tell us it ain't worth it, so like. why the hell should i care anymore lmao. i think sometimes i makes life hell not being able to explain why we are the way we are, and instead constantly having to come up with these excuses, constantly trying to be normal when we are absolutely not lol but... whatever. it's fine. we have a support system like our friends who know about the real us who're there for us. that's better than nothing, definitely.
i guess... our goal is to figure out how to be happy in a life where we can never admit to anyone we're disabled cus they'll never believe us. we need to express boundaries in a "normal person" way, don't we? the thought sounds fucking awful. i wish i could use autism terms to explain my behaviors, but instead i have to sugarcoat it... which is hard since i suck at irl conversation. i can't form words with my mouth. something in my brain holds me back from being able to just... let out coherent sentences, even if i've practiced or premeditated. i went through speech therapy until i was in like kindergarten/1st grade, so it makes sense that i have speech issues... but... ugh. i just feel a lot of feelings.
this is longer than i meant for it to be, i just... i guess being an adult fucking sucks when you feel like your brain isn't aging along with your body. i feel like i'm lagging behind everyone else... and i try so hard not to care, but... it's so hard when the world around me seems to force all these ideas and concepts that i don't understand. everything overwhelms me. i can't work the most common jobs because my social anxiety is a fucking bitch to deal with, so it just makes looking for jobs so much harder... i'm stubborn about working at a place that makes me feel comfortable, because i prioritize that over making good money, but... it's hard to do that when most jobs need positions that i just can't do. i can't work with customers, i can't interact with anyone, i just wish i could get a job where i'm all alone with no one to talk to or interact with, and where i'm not a part of some team. freelance art... it probably should be my job... but... idk how to start dude. esp cus art has been... hard. ugh. i'd need to freshen up my skills before i start doing anything
anyway... i think i should stop here. i kinda got most of my thoughts out and... yeah. idk. writing here has been nice so far :) i don't feel as bad about possibly filling up the explore page anymore, honestly. i don't care right now. is it really spam if i only post once a day? smol.pub is pretty smol anyway, so does it really matter how often i post? maybe seeing an extra name like mine pop up is nice... who knows. until next time, ttyl :D
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