💾 Archived View for kg4vma.duckdns.org › gemfeed › 2007 › 2007-07-09-121.gmi captured on 2023-06-16 at 18:06:53. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content
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I am tired... I don't know why... I woke up this morning around 6:30, and just laid there, snuggling closer to Diana, and closed my eyes, and napped until the alarm went off... I got up around 7:45, and got dressed, brought the kids downstairs, and dressed them, then took them to school... I came back home, gathered my books, and read what was required of me to read before going to class tonight... Then I laid on the couch and napped until a few minutes ago... During my napping, I thought of how I should attempt to go to Lexington, and sell plasma... I thought of the process, and I grew weaker, my stomach started turning, and I grew even more tired... I thought of how I need to find some sort of income, to supplement the family, and I grew even weaker... I thought of something Diana had said to me last night, and I began to cry... I cried, because Diana reminded me that me dreams were most likely unattainable... I began to wish that I had just kept my job at Concept... But I couldn't do it any longer... I couldn't just continue to go to work, being the person that I am not... I couldn't continue to go to work, facing the thoughts of what had transpired while I was working at Concept... I had been thinking of the past few months, when Diana had lost interest in me... I had been thinking of Diana continuing to see me as being uninterested in her... I couldn't.... Perhaps one of the most terrible things that I have done in recent history was breaking down when Diana had come face-to-face with me, and had admitted that she had been having an emotional affair... I broke down... I could no longer function... I needed her, and needed her to understand that I did still love her... I needed her to see what she was doing to me, and our family... I also needed her to see that she was making a mistake... I needed her to see that she was continuing to hurt me... So, I took time away from work... ...time away so that we could heal... ...time away so that we could be together... ...time away so that I could share my pain... ...time away so that I could actually be present while she hurt me... I listened to her speak with him... I listened to her voice... I heard her cry... I heard her laugh... I saw her smile... ...and these emotions were not for me... ...these emotions were hers... ...hers for herself... ...hers for another... I felt so betrayed, used, and alone... ...but I was with her... ...but I tried my best to help her... ...and even with my efforts, she continued to hurt me... ...she made me cry... ...she made me fear... ...she made me begin to lose faith... I cannot say that I was completely miserable on that trip we made to South Carolina... ...we were together... ...perhaps not as a complete family... ...but everyone was present, whether their hearts and minds were or were not is another matter... ...but we were together... We had fun as a close unit... ...then her obsession would come about... ...her demands would come about... ...her rage would come about... We had drove about looking for a friend, and had gotten lost... We had found their neighborhood, but never their apartment... ...and Diana grew furious... ...and Diana grew mean... ...and as I tried to keep a calm head, and tried to bring her back down, I got attacked... ...the children were attacked as well... ...the frantic and furious yelling ensued... ...the threats of physical abuse came... ...the threats of abandonment came... ...the threats... We spent an unnecessary fortune on that trip to her self-discovery... ...and it's partially my fault... ...I had not been with Diana enough... ...I had not given enough... ...I had unknowingly given fuel to Diana's senses of abandonment... ...and this trip was my way to try and give it all back... ...and this trip was my way of going to get her, for she had already left in spirit... ...and in doing so, I helped to destroy myself... ...and further damage the family... We now face the financial consequences that were brought about by my break-down... We now face the financial consequences that were brought about by that trip... ...and now I face fears of abandonment... ...and now I have become Diana... I feel so alone... I feel so unnecessary... I feel... Yesterday, Diana and I had gotten into an argument... The day prior, Diana and I had gotten into an argument... ...the cycle continues... Yesterday's argument focused upon my communiques with an old friend... ...Diana fears that I may leave her... ...Diana fears that I may do just as she had done... ...Diana fears that I am leaving her, just as she had left me... ...Diana fears... I am not leaving Diana... ...I am not looking for outside emotion or feelings... ...I have more than enough here... ...I am looking for someone who is as far away as possible... ...I am looking for someone to speak to... ...I am looking for someone who has no knowledge of what is going on... ...I just want to talk to someone who will listen... There are therapists... There is family... There are a number of people near that I could talk to... ...but they know too much... ...they have their opinions preformed... ...they are biased... ...they do not care... I have no friends, really... I have no one to turn to about these issues... ...aside from Diana... ...and I can't rightly turn to her... ...I can try, but it is difficult... ...she is understanding, but at the same time, anything that I supply her with easily becomes kindling for the next fire... I don't know what to do... I don't know who I am... I don't know... I love Diana... I love everything about her... ...but she frightens me... For some strange reason I love her... ...and I have never left her... ...and I don't want to leave her... ...but it's getting harder... ...it's getting harder to not say that I've had enough... I am waiting for the day that she calls it quits... I am waiting for the day where she pushes me too far... I am waiting...
Tags: #randomness