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http://twitter.com/kg4vma/status/6219056653
I've been having a hard time facing computers for, well, pretty much the entire year. Shortly after the beginning of the year a problem arose in my personal life which drove me into seclusion. I had no desire to show my face or share my feelings with the world. About a month later I found myself in front of a notebook and on facebook; peering into the lives of others, trying to find solace. Soon, I found myself twittering again. Then came a few diggs, some bookmarking, posts to youtube, even some liking and sharing in google reader.
Still, I haven't found myself spending the same amount of time online as I had in the previous year. One area in particular in which I've spent no time, until today, has been blogging.
A complex fear had enveloped me. I couldn't share my thoughts and feelings the way I had before, lest I be willing to be placed under fire again. People were watching me, placing their pristine noses in my business, trying to find crime in any and everything I did even though I had not and still have not done anything criminal. I lived in fear -- to a certain extent, I still do.
Recently I realized that my online social activities weren't being watched by the accusors, nor do any of my activities reflect negatively upon me. Nearly everything I do or say and make public reaffirms my innocense and sincerity. So now, once more, I blog.
The negativity that entered my life and drove me from blogging – drove me from spending much time connected to the outside world -- has helped me, in a sense. I've been able to overcome my addiction to reading tweets, refreshing reader, and pouring through page after page of shares and likes on friendfeed. I've been able to disconnect and spend more time doing simple little stuff again, such as planning activities for the children, going to the park, etc.
On the downside, however, while I had left some of my technolust behind, my wife, Diana, had not.
For years I had brought my love and interest in electronics and computer technology into our relationship. I had helped introduce Diana to podcasts, social networks, blogs, and the like. With a bit of coaxing she became a dedicated online addict. We blogged together, played online games against each other, twittered, shared, liked, dugg, etc; but I had left that world behind—she hadn't. Since she was still spending a lot of time sitting in front of a screen I felt as if computers were stealing her from me—a feeling which led me to have feelings of hatred for computers, a feeling I've expressed in tweets such as this:
Questioning going back to school at all. Why study to repair the machines I've learned to hate in my personal life?
Since that tweet, things have gotten better. Diana and I have worked out most, if not all of our differences on computer usage. We've also found better ways to incorporate our old techno-habits into our lives without interfering with time better suited for real one-on-one discussions instead of IMs and emails. Personally, I believe our lives have improved profoundly in spite of the stress this year has brought and that we've managed to become even closer as a couple and as a family.
Tags: #thoughts and stuff, #unfinished thoughts