đŸ Archived View for dfdn.info âș justice âș blame.gmi captured on 2024-02-05 at 09:50:22. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content
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So, I married the wrong person. It is true in part that I made the wrong decision. But not in whole. And why?
How did this situation arise? Let us take a moment to conduct an analysis of the developments in the months immediately before I met my former wife in September 2006.
When my mother â or anyone else - apportions blame wholly to me for âmarrying foolishlyâ I think it is time to defend my assertation that others are, at least in part, to blame. So here goes...
It is true that I was in blame in part for what happened, but others contributed to my making the wrong decision to marry my former wife â but I did not want my first daughter born outside marriage, and, out of being a âresponsibleâ father, I âdid the right thingâ. History tells us however that some of the worst decisions in history were made with the best intentions. Hindsight is a very cruel messenger. And it was her that rushed into becoming pregnant and into marriage. Given that she also was showing disturbing signs of being a âgold diggerâ I should have walked away. But seen in context, a number of factors made my decision making inaccurate...
1: I have had recently been forced to give up my PhD at Kingsâ Collage London for purely financial reasons â this is why I ended up in the job where I met her;
2: My father, talking about wills and me not being married to my partner nor having children presenting problems;
3: The fact that my partner of the time was lying: she claimed that she wanted children; she claimed to have stopped contraceptives but was actually still using them. (I had been getting desperate as she was coming to age 40; at 35 a womanâs fertility has halved, it has halved again at age 40)
4: And if I am honest, I am not exactly used to female attention; I know today that is it a partly cultural issue and I am lucky to know that in other cultures it is different â in the UKâs culture nobody who is 40+, divorced and with no money to offer will find anyone again. And relationships centred on money are NOT worth having â see above!
5: My former partnerâs parents had a patronising attitude towards me; I recall as an example a time when I was a full time undergraduate student back in the 1990s, when she had coincidentally mentioned she had run into a former boyfriend from around the time she was approximately 18, and her mother had said to her âwhy not go back to him? At least heâs making money?â In fact relations were strained long before 2006.
6: And stupid government policy in the UK does not treat me as an abuse victim that I am (And in fact a victim of unrelated crime in addition); I am just undeserving scum who left his family â in fact I tried for ten years of my life to get my former wife to accept her problem and seek help. But she rejected marriage guidance, ignored social services and â instead of listening to friends advice, stopped being friends with them. I tried everything. So â why am I treated like a leaper by UK family law!? Many (normally fathers, but it happens to mothers occasionally too), who are in fact victims, are forced into poverty, homelessness, alcohol or drug dependency or, ultimately suicide. And what do I hear from my mother? I âshould be loyalâ to my country â despite having far less life experience than me (for example, she has not even been in the workforce for 50 years now!), be a leading authority on how I should tun my life? And let is not forget, as she votes for the very people who concoct these policies, she shares in the moral responsibility.
So having someone young, beautiful and with a passion for progress in life seemed like a gift from god at the time. And in fact she was sent not by god but by the devil as it turned out!
Having said all that, there was ONE beneficial effect of having been married to the mother of my children at the time of their birth. UK family law is discriminatory even when it comes to the registration of births â no, you havenât misread! In the UK, the motherâs name is recorded on birth certificates automatically as a point of law, yet the fatherâs name is NOT recorded on the birth certificate unless either:
1: The father of the child is married to the mother at the time of the birth, or
2: The mother consents to the name of the father being recorded on the birth certificate.
This is from the Births and Deaths Registration Act 1953 â although this point of law is almost Victorian sounding (19th century) somewhat kin to my parents belief that âchildren should be seen and not heardâ. The truth really seems to be that most of my family resign themselves to fate whereas I do not.
The whole of the act can be read here:
https://www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/Eliz2/1-2/20
So family law in fact and application actively discriminates against fathers. To quote in full:
[F3010[F31 Registration of father F32... or of second female parent where parents not [F33married or] civil partners]
(1)Notwithstanding anything in the foregoing provisions of this Act [F34and subject to section 10ZA of this Act], in the case of a child whose father and mother were not married to [F35, or civil partners of,] each other at the time of his birth, no person shall as father of the child be required to give information concerning the birth of the child, and the registrar shall not enter in the register the name of any person as father of the child exceptâ
(a)at the joint request of the mother and the person stating himself to be the father of the child (in which case that person shall sign the register together with the mother); or
(b)at the request of the mother on production ofâ
(i)a declaration in the prescribed form made by the mother stating that that person is the father of the child; and
(ii)a statutory declaration made by that person stating himself to be the father of the child; or
(c)at the request of that person on production ofâ
(i)a declaration in the prescribed form by that person stating himself to be the father of the child; and
(ii)a statutory declaration made by the mother stating that that person is the father of the child; or
[F36(d)at the request of the mother or that person on production ofâ
(i)a copy of [F37any agreement made between them under section 4(1)(b) of the Children Act 1989 in relation to the child] ; and
(ii)a declaration in the prescribed form by the person making the request stating that the agreement was made in compliance with section 4 of [F38that Act] and has not been brought to an end by an order of a court; or
(e)at the request of the mother or that person on production ofâ
(i)a certified copy of an order under section 4 of the Children Act 1989 giving that person parental responsibility for the child; and
(ii)a declaration in the prescribed form by the person making the request stating that the order has not been brought to an end by an order of a court; or
(f)at the request of the mother or that person on production ofâ
(i)a certified copy of an order under paragraph 1 of Schedule 1 to the Children Act 1989 which requires that person to make any financial provision for the child and which is not an order falling within paragraph 4(3) of that Schedule; and
(ii)a declaration in the prescribed form by the person making the request stating that the order has not been discharged by an order of a court; or
(g)at the request of the mother or that person on production ofâ
(i)a certified copy of any of the orders which are mentioned in subsection (1A) of this section which has been made in relation to the child; and
(ii)a declaration in the prescribed form by the person making the request stating that the order has not been brought to an end or discharged by an order of a court.]
[F39(1A)The orders areâ
(a)an order under section 4 of the Family Law Reform Act 1987 that that person shall have all the parental rights and duties with respect to the child;
(b)an order that that person shall have custody or care and control or legal custody of the child made under section 9 of the Guardianship of Minors Act 1971 at a time when such an order could only be made in favour of a parent;
(c)an order under section 9 or 11B of that Act which requires that person to make any financial provision in relation to the child;
(d)an order under section 4 of the Affiliation Proceedings Act 1957 naming that person as putative father of the child.]
[F40(1B)Notwithstanding anything in the foregoing provisions of this Act and subject to section 10ZA of this Act, in the case of a child to whom section 1(3) of the Family Law Reform Act 1987 does not apply no woman shall as a parent of the child by virtue of section 43 of the Human Fertilisation and Embryology Act 2008 be required to give information concerning the birth of the child, and the registrar shall not enter in the register the name of any woman as a parent of the child by virtue of that section exceptâ
(a)at the joint request of the mother and the person stating herself to be the other parent of the child (in which case that person shall sign the register together with the mother); or
(b)at the request of the mother on production ofâ
(i)a declaration in the prescribed form made by the mother stating that the person to be registered (âthe woman concernedâ) is a parent of the child by virtue of section 43 of the Human Fertilisation and Embryology Act 2008; and
(ii)a statutory declaration made by the woman concerned stating herself to be a parent of the child by virtue of section 43 of that Act; or
(c)at the request of the woman concerned on production ofâ
(i)a declaration in the prescribed form made by the woman concerned stating herself to be a parent of the child by virtue of section 43 of the Human Fertilisation and Embryology Act 2008; and
(ii)a statutory declaration made by the mother stating that the woman concerned is a parent of the child by virtue of section 43 of that Act; or
(d)at the request of the mother or the woman concerned on production ofâ
(i)a copy of any agreement made between them under section 4ZA(1)(b) of the Children Act 1989 in relation to the child; and
(ii)a declaration in the prescribed form by the person making the request stating that the agreement was made in compliance with section 4ZA of that Act and has not been brought to an end by an order of a court; or
(e)at the request of the mother or the woman concerned on production ofâ
(i)a certified copy of an order under section 4ZA of the Children Act 1989 giving the woman concerned parental responsibility for the child; and
(ii)a declaration in the prescribed form by the person making the request stating that the order has not been brought to an end by an order of a court; or
(f)at the request of the mother or the woman concerned on production ofâ
(i)a certified copy of an order under paragraph 1 of Schedule 1 to the Children Act 1989 which requires the woman concerned to make any financial provision for the child and which is not an order falling within paragraph 4(3) of that Schedule; and
(ii)a declaration in the prescribed form by the person making the request stating that the order has not been discharged by an order of a court.]
(2)Where, in the case of a child whose father and mother were not married to [F41, or civil partners of,] each other at the time of his birth, a person stating himself to be the father of the child makes a request to the registrar in accordance with paragraph (c) [F42to (g)] of subsection (1) of this sectionâ
(a)he shall be treated as a qualified informant concerning the birth of the child for the purposes of this Act; and
(b)the giving of information concerning the birth of the child by that person and the signing of the register by him in the presence of the registrar shall act as a discharge of any duty of any other qualified informant under section 2 of this Act.
[F43(2A)Where, in the case of a child to whom section 1(3) of the Family Law Reform Act 1987 does not apply, a person stating herself to be a parent of the child by virtue of section 43 of the Human Fertilisation and Embryology Act 2008 makes a request to the registrar in accordance with any of paragraphs (c) to (f) of subsection (1B)â
(a)she shall be treated as a qualified informant concerning the birth of the child for the purposes of this Act; and
(b)the giving of information concerning the birth of the child by that person and the signing of the register by her in the presence of the registrar shall act as a discharge of any duty of any other qualified informant under section 2 of this Act.]
(3)In this section and section 10A of this Act references to a child whose father and mother were not married to [F44, or civil partners of,] each other at the time of his birth shall be construed in accordance with section 1 of the Family Law Reform Act 1987 F45...