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That Doomsday Feel

I never understand how people could just live their lives without being in constant anxiety and fear; for the longest time I believed that they must be raised in a manner so bad that they grew up absolutely shameless and arrogant about everything and their shamelessness and arrogance is how they are able to twist things their way and thus navigate in this world. It feels like for everyone other than me things just go - not necessarily smoothly, but at least normal, like for them a success is surely a success but a failure is nothing more but a mere failure; for me, every little need I have feels like they're a totally unwarranted burden for people around me and guarantees a talking-down session of "you're a grown up you can't expect the whole society to adapt to you" and every little mistake I did feels like the end of the world as if it was exactly because of my wrongdoings absolutely everything would become worse from here on out - I have always been taught that mistakes aren't things that costs the present but rather things that costs the *future*, and while the cost of the present can be seen and measured (and thus be at ease with because it's certain), the cost of the future is massive and fatal.

(It has been one and a half weeks since I came to Dublin now and while I'm fully aware that there are people who lives without such tension (or at least with a tension not as strong) it still feels strange to see that in person. Live, breathing human without that battered and spent look that I've seen a million times back in Shenzhen is still such an alien concept.)

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