💾 Archived View for meggplant.flounder.online › journal.gmi captured on 2024-02-05 at 09:12:47. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content
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2/2/24
Climbed on my own today and I'm pretty proud! It's more difficult not having a buddy, but it makes me think more about what I'm doing. I can't just get the easy answer.
The gym was pretty empty which took the pressure off too.
Moving is always good. It helps me clear my head and stay present 🎁 (idk if emojis work on flounder)
Feel a lil bad for calling out of work. I thought I was sick this morning, but I think I just needed a day. Either way, listening to my bod was a good call.
2/1/24
sad and tired today. i need sleep so badly, but these nightmares won't stop.
work was busy, but i was happy for the distraction. love my coworkers <3
i just want to experience trust again in a way that isn't nuanced or matched with hesitancy. i guess it needs to start with myself.
i see little glimpses of it in small ways. Walks with friends, phone calls with my sister, sharing art with folks. I know it compounds, it's just hard.
it's really dumb to make this comparison, but sometimes i relate with Lapis from Steven Universe and I'm scared I'll end up just as stagnant as a fictional character.
it does feel important to say that i did make the right call and didn't let myself fall back into a pattern I probably would have 6 months ago. That's progress.
Today was hard, but I had good food, good convos, and got to connect with J tonight. There's so much to be grateful for in my life and I want to acknowledge that too.
Signing off.
1/31/24
i feel like i could fight a bear today... time to go grocery shopping
i talked to M today and i just feel so confused. its always so hard to trust myself. i feel manipulated right now, but i don't know how to be sure.
i'm really hoping some space will bring clarity.
thank god for friends. men suck.
1/30/24
therapy really hit hard today. started thinking about boundaries and accountability. how it's one thing to voice a boundary, but another to advocate for that boundary. it takes action from ~me~. i got really used to letting the things that were integral to me be completely squashed in my ~big~ relationship and it's all jumbled now. i'm going to have to talk with M. i really don't want to. but it will be for the best and it's on me for not sticking to it earlier. i just hope he's receptive.
got a fitbit today to start tracking my vitals and sleep. hoping to sort out this nightmare issue. waking up ready for "battle" every day isn't really sustainable. my psychiatrist gave me a new med to try that's supposed to target ptsd-related dreams, so i'm crossing my fingers.
looking forward to Charis 2nite and just decompressing with some lovely folks and making music <3
1/29/24
kinda boring day. it was just me in the office for most of the day. Did a lot of reading tho and got a gym membership. we're gettin' real about climbing (woooo!!!)
really tired today and having a derealization episode, but it isn't as scary now that i know what they are.
played some dst with M and we both died, but made it thru like, 17 days.
gonna finish my book and chill. I'm really happy I've been reading more. My lil internal imagination is coming back and it feels good!
1/28/24
Went climbing with M yesterday and watched the first two Twilight movies after. thank god. next time we climb I can say "better hold on tight spider monkey"...
played stardew with J and felt like things were a little off, but also maybe that's on me bc I was tired from climbing. I'm getting really excited that he might be moving to stl... it'd be so cool :') but it is also scary bc then things could progress... i think i like him too much and don't know how to handle it after my *big* break and i don't want to ruin it... i should reflect on this, but not too much too soon.
went to slam with Peach today and it was great! saw the Aso Oke exhibit and that was wicked cool. then had some noods and talked psychology for a few hours. She is about to graduate from her program and has started seeing clients which is so interesting to hear about. humans are weird bro.
been thinking more about whether returning to my program in the fall is the right move for me. art therapy has always been my goal, but i just don't know if i have what it takes. grateful that i have more time to figure it out...
in other news, bubble tea is my new obsession <3 thinkin' about those lil tea tadpoles mmmmm
1/23/24
First Charis rehearsal of the season!! Really looking forward to singing with such an uplifting group of people. Theme this season is "We Are Family" and I think that's something to hold on to.
Got to see A again and really wanna hang with her more! She just started her new job and loves it, which makes me real happy! I felt a lil odd bc I didn't have any *great* life updates to share, but things have been looking up at least!
The closer this season is "We're All in This Together"... yea, that one.. XD it's gonna be a fun couple of months!
1/21/24
Slept in after staying up too late playing Don't Starve, went climbing, started looking at my old mtg decks, read tarot for M.
Spent too much time with M, but barely even felt anxious.
Making spag 4 dinner and jamming to some tunes.
Good day
I'm getting excited that I'm starting to understand more about what my body can do as I climb more! And M is super great at explaining ways ur brain/body try to be dumb as u figure it out.
Feels good to talk with someone w/out thinking too much in the background.
1/19/24
Things I am grateful for today:
If today is a glimpse of what the next year might be like, I'm holding on to it.
Thanks for braving the cold and for the kewl mug and book!!! (can't wait to read it) @evilswampmonster
1/18/24
i turn 25 2morrow and that feels weird. maybe this is the year things turn around when I'm sporting my fully developed prefrontal cortex. i like thinking that i'll only be like, 7 years old in adult if you consider 18 adulthood. just a lil baby adult, still figuring it out.
1/16/24
Needed to take some time after the other night. Spent the day watching Adventure Time, trying some new things on uke, and playing some games.
I've been playing a lot of Kingdom, which is like a side-scrolling resource managing sorta game. Super fun and super addicting.
I spoke to M about taking things slow. After the other day, it feels like he wants things to move even more quickly than before and that feels weird to me.
I also realize I have not really been seeing any other friends since we started talking and I was late to a hangout with J, which isn't like me at all.
Ack, I want to make more *friends* but I don't really know how... thinking about this a lot. Romantic relationships come easy, but all others are mystifying... idk if I should share this here. Yay
1/14/24
Spent the whole day with M. I was anxious, but it was good overall. We played one of his favpurite board games that was like chess with time travel and murder (wild!!)
We finally decided to go grab dinner and as we walked into the resteraunt, I made direct eye contact with my ex. It was the first time I'd seen him since the *last* time. He was there with our old best friend. I havent spoken to either of them since everything ended. Luckily, I kept my composure long enough to ask M if we could go somewhere else and walk out the door.
The moment I got into his car, I went into a panic attack. I felt so bad. He was extremely understanding, but I still feel like shit. We decided to go somewhere else and I was able to work myself down. But then, I realized I had no clue where my wallet had gone in the whole ordeal.
It's just gone. I guess I dropped it as we were leaving and someone grabbed it. I'm so fucking frustrated about all of it. M stayed longer and we made some tea and watched Adventure Time, but I just couldn't stay present at that point.
I hate that out of all of this I'm more upset about the interaction with my ex, than my missing wallet and reaction with M. I hate all of it. I wish we'd never met. I wish I could take it all back. Bc I'm just stuck in it. It ruins everything. Fuck.
1/13/24
Working on a print and trying my best
Talked to M about some of the ~deep lore~ but quickly shut it down. There's so much to say and it's wayyy to early to get into it all. At least he was chill about it. Freaking out internally, but honestly, that's normal.
Went on a walk with M and almost froze my ears off.
Had a good conversation with J too. I'm really grateful he felt comfortable enough to share his feelings with me. Vulnerability is hard and it'll be an adjustment if he decides to come out to stl, but I hope that he does. He's one of my favourite people and no matter what, I'm so lucky to have him in my life.
Just hoping that I don't mess it all up as I'm often prone to do.
Portal 2 is kewl... tried that out w/friends and lost my mind. At least I was entertaining.
Gotta catch some sleep. Here's to dreaming.(Wooo, go dreams!!)
1/12/24
work is back to being chill... i come here to make art, not do my actual job, so that's good
i honestly really like this job, but it plays on my fears of being ingenuine. it's a service job. a call job. of course I'm not actually delighted youre coming down to the Garden or super pumped we fixed your password. but even still, the apathy bothers me.
good rant with the coworkers. i don't feel bad anymore
I deleted twitter & tiktok a few days ago and it feels weird. I want to use my time in more productive ways, but its giving me anxiety. I would play something, but my fingers are still fkd from yesterday's. Woe is me.
1/11/24
One of those days waking up with the feeling of dread. Breathing exercises.
Today *should* be good. I'm supposed to hang out with D today and go climbing with M. And I know that's why. Social things just scare me now. I'm aversed to just being.
Today went so well. I've been working on opposite action and I didn't cancel!!! I stuck it out this time.
I always forget how chill things are with D until we hang again...
Climbing felt so good, but we got battle scars dudeee *insert twilight reference*
I guess i got what's called a "flapper", so there's a huge chunk of skin just like, hanging off my finger atm. Ouch... I also think I managed to form like, a blister on top of a blister? And my knee took a hit too. I know I'm going to feel it tomorrow. Like - it hurts to type?? But it felt good to move. To push myself.
There was one climb I was determined to reach before we left and I did! M was great and showing me the ropes (literally) and I hope we can go back soon :)
Was gonna go to the Heavy Anchor show, but too eepyyy
Gonna watch Big Top Burger instead.
I hope my arms work tomorrow :')
1/10/24
Laying in bed is nice. Makes me think of the wise words of Brian Jordan Alverez ft. TJ MAC "sum people say it is bad, but sitting [laying] is actually good bc u deserve to relax"
Finished rereading Cat's Cradle and maybe understanding where so much of my cynicism comes from. Oops.
1/9/24
I'm up so much earlier than I wanna be >.< i made the choice to have a later appointment time to 8:45 instead of 8:15. It's small, but hopefully it helps. I'm kinda over it at this point, but I've committed and I've gotta see it through.
i have therapy todayyyy :^)
im hungry...
i've got M on my mind too. He made an impression and oops I'm obsessed.
I watched Saltburn and I think that was a mistake. I just feel kinda gross and sick. 0/10
I accidently went to an AA meeting this evening. I was looking for Al-Anon, a group for family members of addicts, but got there late. I realized something was weird when I walked in to an overwhlemingly large group of men. But the group I was looking for was called "Rainbow AFG", so I thought maybe it was meant for gay men (bc that makes sense). And everyone was so welcoming and encouraged me to come on in. *So, today is technically my AA birthday!!* I got my 24 hr chip and lots of hugs xD After that intro, I didn't feel like I could just leave because I didn't want to disappoint anyone. But, the guy next to me, Daniel, was a real one for keeping my secret and giving me the meeting schedule for the right meeting next week. Though, I feel extremely lucky to have been a part of that group this evening. Although I'm not alcoholic, my dad is. And though he isn't in any program, it gave me hope that maybe one day he could be. I was surprised at how closely I related with a lot of what was shared by folks. I have a lot of the same feelings and worries and regrets and I wonder if that's part of the result of living and being raised by an alcoholic for so long. I think I really want to find a community like that. A group to work towards something larger with. To be vulnerable and real with. What a night...
1/8/23
i can do hard things. sometimes hard things mean getting out of bed. sometimes it means doing the dishes or being kind to myself. i think i'll be alone today. make some art and not give in to the urge to research personality disorders for an ungodly amount of time.
Started talking to a new friend this evening and it feels good to get to know someone new. People are kind of okay I guess and I gotta remind myself sometimes. The world can be safe if we let it.
Had a good reminder on living in the present and appreciating things for what they are and as they are. I needed that.
1/7/24
Hey there people of flounder! I guess I'm kinda new here, but I've got things to share. I'm not much of someone who goes hard on ny resolutions, but I do have a goal and it is a new year SO. I've been thinking a lot about identity and what makes up one's true self. And that's what I want to explore in the coming months.
So, I join this lil community with the intention of bringing authenticity and "realness" to the table.
Maybe some of it will resonate or maybe I'll look a lil crazy... either way, it seems like a good exercise.
I love seeing what everyone has to share! So many cool folks out there :3
(I'm recognizing this feels more like a blog post than a journal, but it felt weird to not give an intro before the unhinged shit to come)