💾 Archived View for daniel.flounder.online › journal.gmi captured on 2024-02-05 at 09:13:25. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content
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24-02-04:
I gotta start recording how much I drink.
I woke up in the middle of the night with tachycardia. Had my apple watch on and it recorded about a 110bpm. It could be because I deep fried a few pizza slices for dinner.
A sex worker asked to use my bathroom and she gave my cat probably the best scratch of his life. He showed his belly and everything, I can never get him to do that.
I really want to date again but I still have some body issues that prevent me from doing it. I was looking at some pictures of a friend of mine who a family man and has 3 kids and I'm jealous.
24-02-03:
PiHKAL was pretty cool, specifically the magical half-dozen.
24-02-02:
I feel like a mess tbh. The past few days I've got no work done, I've been drinking heavily, doing amphetamines, gabapentin for high anxiety, welbutrin to help hangovers, consuming a ton of caffeine, and I'm sleeping like shit and I'm tired all the time.
Dance bar all night made me feel better
24-02-01:
Just ruminating on my feelings.
Sometimes it's hard to not be afraid to feel.
24-01-31:
Got it all sorted out and had some tough conversations but I'm feeling good. I don't think I'll make any of my goals this week though, bummer. I think I want to do a movie night tonight with some wine. Need popcorn though.
24-01-30:
More disagreements. After asking for the ability to talk to the accountant several times and him stonewalling me, I had to scream at him to make the introduction. He then pleaded with me to not scare them. Incredibly sus. Before that, he said that the software we've been building for the past 3 years is 'not a product', it is 'pure marketing' for our consultant business so the tax law doesn't apply to us. I told him I don't think he understands this correctly.
Now he's angry at me and sent me a message effectively saying to not question him in front of other people b/c 'Somebody might interpret that as you and I are not on the same page.'
Rebuilding trust is difficult. I know what I need to do, I need to have an open and honest conversation with him about what happened, but it remains to be seen how we can improve our communication so this doesn't happen again. I felt like he was stonewalling me from talking to the accountant and it made me frustrated. I think I suspect him of being dishonest, I feel like he found this on some random blog and he didn't actually talk to the accountant. I know this likely isn't true, but it's tough for me to give him the benefit of the doubt. I asked for more transparency, maybe that will help.
24-01-29:
Ugh. I am very uncomfortable.
Okay, apparently new tax guidance came out 2 weeks ago which resolves the ambiguity. Thought we were committing very blatant tax fraud for a second. It doesn't justify what was said though, it's still worded like we're committing tax fraud.
24-01-28:
Pretty happy with the progress last week. No alcohol or other substances, which was great. Got some stressors out of the way and was mostly successful at planning tasks. There were a few times where I felt absolutely terrible, but so it goes. I went to the gym 4 times, did some nice long walks around the city, and stretched for a total of about 2 hours. No yoga yet, but I'll try again next week. I crashed mid-day in the early days of the week but I attribute that to a new exercise routine and eating habits.
My stress around my job is still bad because everything is a toxic power struggle, but I need to work on rebuilding trust with my cofounder or it's going to get worse.
I may be overcompensating with pointless research tasks. Like I spent the past 2 days just reading and playing around with bread enzymes. DIY hobbies are good, but if it ends up stressing me out more then it's counterproductive. I think I may do it so I can feel a sense of control in my life, idk.
This week I want to continue trying to reduce stress:
[X] Do yoga
[ ] Talk with my cofounder about recent issues
[ ] Complete a stressor
[ ] Do a new social thing, like a meetup
[ ] Go to a place I haven't been
[ ] Read some fiction, avoid nonfiction and academic material
Maybe I should try a float tank. Just lock me in a box for an hour to force myself to relax.
I keep thinking about when therapists would ask me what I do to relax. I never have an answer for them. I still don't.
24-01-25:
Damn, getting those task out of the back of my mind feels great. Going to meet up with some old biohacker friends today, maybe they can spot me some centrifuge time.
No fuge big enough :(
24-01-24:
Stressors:
[X] Get car serviced - Service date is Feb 13 @ 2:30
[X] Cancel oregon health insurance
[ ] Report income to california
[X] Completed CA written test
[X] Track down my car title
[ ] Mail in title replacement form to Oregon
[ ] Make DMV apt for CA license and car (just go twice? It'll take about a month to get my replacement title)
[ ] Find a dentist
[ ] Exit Oregon lease
[ ] Transfer xfinity service
24-01-22:
Upon some reflection on this journal, I realized that my stress is a bit out of control. I'm feeling particularly empowered to fix my life, so here goes.
Recently, I've been really missing my nomadic life, at least the times where I could be properly nomadic. I had really healthy habits and just always had a ton of fun. Sometimes I feel like I have a hard time staying in one place for too long, I start to pick up bad habits and get depressed. I think what I really liked was that everything was an adventure. I would discover new grocery stores, new vegan restaurants to explore, I would check out the local culture by finding local events, and I could go on amazing hikes all the time. I got to see so much of the world. But since I've been in SF, I haven't been making plans after work. While I would like to be type b and be impulsive, but this hasn't been working out for me here. I still struggle to find things I want to do here, but I think I just need to try a bit harder. I want to do more culture stuff, I'll make some plans around that.
I've been ignoring my health goals recently so I'm starting to get back on track with that. I want to get back into running. I had a really good running habit when I was a nomad, as I could just go to the best places to run in the city or do trail running. I've been doing some more brisk 3-5 mile walks, trying to keep my heart rate in a good target zone, so it'll take a bit of time to get back there but I don't think I'm far. I want to get back to the point where I feel like I can just run indefinitely, then running is a blast.
I've been doing more stretching so I can get back on track with my flexibility goals. There's a power lifting gym down the street but I'm still not flexible enough to do olympic weight lifting, which is what I want to do. I just need to start going to the yoga class at my gym, since it's free and I should be taking advantage of it. I'm sure it'd help with my stress too.
My substance abuse problem is pretty bad right now. I keep having having withdraw or hangovers from whatever. Welbutrin helps considerably with those urges, as well as with my seasonal depression, so I'm back on that. One thing that's hard to stop is my caffeine abuse, which is a lot more real than it sounds, which centers a lot more around how I consume caffeine rather than how much.
The last big one is sleep. I've been waking up throughout the night, multiple times a night, which is probably a combination of stress and substance abuse. I'm hoping that will go away on its down since I can't really do anything about since I already have good sleep hygiene.
I won't set any goal structuring here, but I'll commit to including these things in my morning goal planning.
So to recap:
1. find things to do after work
2. stop taking so many drugs
3. do more yoga
4. work back up to a running habit
24-01-19:
Was up all night with a fever and chills from the vaccine but felt fine in the morning. I haven't been sleeping well recently. I'm trying to have a chill weekend because I'll have a busy next week with preparing for upcoming conferences / meetups / partner blog posts, and a ton of coding. I personally want to get out there and try to help people solve their problems with help of the tech I made. That's really rewarding to me. I did this startup because I wanted to challenge myself and I think this is part of it.
Went to Rainbow to get everything I need to make a red lentil Ethiopian dish (Misir Wat), which will be a first for me. Forgot to check if they have injera, but really I need to start making my own. And also kombucha, I miss having a big jug of it around. I want to find a nice container for it that I can put on my countertop.
24-01-18:
Covid vaccine, thinking about habits, put the new battery in the car, and put air in the bike tires so I can romp around. Feverish from the vax so I feel like I'm already on borrowed time.
24-01-17:
Holy fuck. My cofounder wanted to dilute me more than him to bring on the new guy. This guy really makes every play to put himself in a better financial position with this company. I had to say no f'in way. Like the bonus thing, he just put in $100k into the company and it would have just been paid right back out to him. Borderline fraud. Some people really go nuts and burn relationships when they think there is a lot of money involved.
24-01-16:
Had fun trying to write poems for the first time since high school. I enjoyed taking the time to find symbolism and attempt analogies.
My cofounder has new shenanigans he's trying to pull, he wants to do a bonus structure that is 'performance based' that is up to 100% of our base salary. We just got money and that would be basically all of it, killing our runway, and would be effectively at his discretion. I'm going to have to tell him no and he's going to get all upset that he's not getting his way.
24-01-15:
New Buzzballz hang,
A sweetness anew.
Old ornaments break,
An era fades through.
She's here healing,
In jovial stride.
Friendships deepen,
With burritos at five.
24-01-14:
Somber in light,
Laughter at night.
Choices echo, deep,
In our hands, futures keep.
24-01-12:
A lot of anxiety today. I started a new ritual at work where once a month before our weekly demos we write down at least 3 nice things to say and also any grievances. We then go around and read them out. I borrowed this from my last job and it always felt very safe. We probably don't reward our peers enough for the great work they do. I generally don't like receiving positive feedback but I feels nice in a structured environment.
My ex reached out to me today to resolve a billing issue since my name is on the internet. I don't feel bad, but I don't feel great.
24-01-11:
The lair of the white worm (1988) today with Matts cat. No more Bumble, I'll figure that out later.
24-01-10:
Watching scandi's cat which always a joy. I'm just watching the original max mad while he gives me a snug.
I'm doing Bumble again and I think I'm ready.
24-01-09:
Spoke to the potential new cofounder (the 'new guy') about him joining. Just right off the bat, he is smart and I have no doubt that he is good at his job. However, I expressed my skepticism about his effectiveness in the role considering my cofounder is a bully which, in my perspective, has resulted him in being exceptionally less productive in his role than he could have been. My cofounder has him trying to find a unicorn customer that I don't think exists and he has been going along with it. The new guy agreed that this is not a good strategy. I told my cofounder on day one of him joining that he needs to let him do his job, and he does not seem to have done this so it's really hard for me to evaluate him. My cofounder has not set him up for success, he has set him up to fail. Considering the new guy isn't officially on the team, it is completely understandable that he doesn't want to rock the boat or get in an argument match.
Also, I worry when people agree with me too much. He seemed to agree with all my concerns, and even worked in some stories about how my points were correct and how my concerns were valid. I think he just really wants to join the team so I'm trying to look past it. When it comes to the pushback and conflict currently required to work with my cofounder, this personality quirk worries me. He said that he likes to take a different strategy for conflict and tries to slowly nudge people along. Maybe I'm worried that he isn't brash enough to work with a bully? Is that even valid? Perhaps I should evaluate how well my cofounder has accepted influence from him as signal of the effectiveness of his strategy. I'll formulate some questions about this.
There is also an issue about how we grow as a company. The new guy phrases it as being pivotal to him being successful at this startup, which I agree with his perspective. However, I know my cofounder strongly doesn't want to take this approach. If we don't align here, he will be miserable.
I think my general perspective here is trying to determine if he will be happy and effective. I really want him to be happy and have the autonomy he needs. I scheduled a meeting with my cofounder and a followup with the new guy so we can get this sorted out.
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I think I found the right abstraction boundary for my game. Since the ai can't generate anything worthwhile, I'm writing the story by hand and using it as a parser and a way to allow some limited exploration. I crafted a single puzzle that seems to work well and I have a rough outline of the story. It currently centralizes around an exploration of emotions, with a focus on loneliness as the main character arc.
Tuesday Trivia is shaping up to be a thing I really look forward to. It was a small group this time, which was nice.
24-01-08:
I turned up the heat way up in my room and took the coziest nap. I did self care today - went to the book store to look for nothing in particular and did some stretching. I ended up in a fey mood last night and wrote some stanzas about how I felt. I think they came out pretty well, I'm going to rope them into my text-based adventure game.
24-01-07:
Some guy said that I look like the lead guitarist from the band Deuce (sp?) and said that I must get that a lot. I have no idea what he's talking about.
24-01-06:
Hung out with the gang to see Poor Things. I was caught off guard the server asked if it should be on the same tab and I said 'sure'. Money can be so awkward, oh well. Glad I could sit next to em instead of being by myself. It was nice seeing Jack too.
24-01-05:
We had a 2024 goals meeting where the first half was just business jargon and it felt completely superficial. I feel like I got it all sorted out in the end though so I'm feeling positive about the next year of work.
I had a really fun time with friends last night, which I really needed after the meeting with my co-founder.
24-01-03:
Co-founder is flying down tomorrow to do planning in person, which doesn't sound reasonable because we're a 3 person team. Maybe he'll reveal an ulterior motive.
24-01-02:
I was looking forward to trivia to do some socializing, but no trivia this week.
Also, I appreciate Emilye showing me this lovely site.
24-01-01:
Last night's party felt less like idle chatter and more like the start of meaningful connections.