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Physics vs Crime

Captain MW

Assistant: “Captain, we don’t know until we’ve done dusting tests whether the culprit is the neighbor coming through the window, or the butler coming from the hall.”

Captain MW: “OMG! This is a remarkable paradox! The culprit is the neighbor and the butler at the same time!”

Assistant: “Not really… but until the prints come back, we won’t know which it is; until then we can rule out people who weren’t even in town that day. So there’s still a lot of progress we can make on the case with what we’ve got so far, we can sta–”

Captain MW: “You’re saying that those prints will collapse the wave function! Impossible! But don’t worry, Captain Many Worlds to the rescue! It’s clear that we are living in a field of overlapping simultaneous worlds and in one world the neighbor is a cruel and disgusting killer, and in the other the butler is a callous and brutal murderer. Both worlds obviously equally true! These people disgust me, assistant, they truly disgust me!”

Assistant: “Uh, no, it’s one world, it’s just that we haven’t done the tests yet, once we–”

Captain MW: “Truly a superposition of murder, assistant. Yes, yes. We’ve got two murderers on our hands. And I am a hero in every world!”

Doctor SAAAD

Assistant: “Doctor, as you’re aware we’ve known for sure for quite a while that the lawless vigilantes known as The Dynamic Duo are in fact millionaires Dick Grayson and Bruce Wayne in disguise.”

Doctor SAAAD: “Yes! One as the dastardly Boy Wonder ‘Robin’, and the other as the devious Dark Knight Detective, ‘Batman’, but whom of them is Grayson and whom is Wayne?”

Assistant: “Correct, doctor! And good news! We’ve finally manage to apprehend one of them, ‘Robin’, in Coast City, while the other, ‘Batman’, is known to be in Metropolis right now. And after unmasking ‘Robin’, we now know that he is Dick Grayson!”

Doctor SAAAD: “Very good work! Congratulate your team! Now, that leaves us with only one question left. Who is ‘Batman’? We’ve got apprehend him.”

Assistant: “What do you mean, doctor? He is obviously Wayne. Since ‘Robin’ turned out to be Grayson.”

Doctor SAAAD: “I don’t think you understand, assistant. ‘Robin’ was apprehended in Coast City. ‘Batman’ is confirmed to be in Metropolis. That is a distance of almost 2800 miles.”

Assistant: “Right, but we caught one in the pair. So that means that we know–”

Doctor SAAAD: “That we know nothing about whether Grayson or Wayne is ‘Batman’. We can not clear Grayson’s name from the accusations of being ‘Batman’ until ‘Batman’ is apprehended.”

Assistant: “But Grayson has been apprehended here in Coast City.”

Doctor SAAAD: Are you trying to propose that there is some sort of Spooky Action At A Distance, that our actions in Coast City can have any bearing whatsoever on what goes in in Metropolis? Assistant, you disgust me with your superstitions!“

Professor DM

Assistant: “Ballistics report came back, professor. But maybe you need to reconsider your formulas when considering shots at this extreme distance. The results came back inconclusive. As if the victim was running faster than he could have.”

Professor DM: “Reconsider formu…?! Poppycock, assistant! Clearly there’s a much easier explanation at hand: the entire crime scene and everyone present must’ve been entirely covered by gooey rhizomatic strands of Dark Matter!”

Assistant: “We, uh, we can’t see any such thing, professor.”

Professor DM: “Surely it must be a type of material that photons don’t interact with but bullets do! If we can find the supplier of this Dark Matter, we are sure to be hot on the heels of our shooter!