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A year ago today I broke up with my first (and so far only) girlfriend.
I'll try not to dwell on this since I've written about it a few times before, but I was not being true to myself in the relationship. I had tried to mold myself to be more compatible with her but had lost myself in the process. This was a marker for the start of a new series of my life.
This year has been one of self-discovery and reflection. For the first 6 or so months of it I was in a fairly deep depression, lying in bed all day swiping away at dating apps to try and find someone to fill the void. However in those moments of despair, I would sometimes find boundless motivation to do things I loved. In the few weeks after the breakup I went hiking more than I ever had before, I would work on personal programming projects from the moment I woke up until late into the night, I would sit down and write for hours on end. Those speckled days of motivation would bring light to the cold loneliness I felt. Around the beginning of summer, those dark days started being replaced by more and more light in my life. Being stuck inside with covid for a week really let me relax, even though much didn't change in my actual day-to-day routine, since I felt justified being lazy with my sickness, it let me truly decompress more than any time in recent memory. When I got better, it gave me a newly-found enthusiasm for life. I still would have dark days, but they were just that, days, not weeks on end of feeling hallow.
I learned a lot about love as well, I went on 4 dates this year, each reaching the second date with 2 different women. However, I matched with many more than that on the apps, getting too invested each time and when it wouldn't work out, feeling devastated. It's one of those lessons you learn by living, it can't be taught. You can manually manage your emotions and expectations only so much. Every time I knew I was getting too invested and that it would only hurt more, but nevertheless I did it. However, each time it got a little bit easier being let down, I wouldn't become wholly infatuated with them immediately, and getting back up got a little easier. When Jade let me down, I was hurt, really hurt, I cried a lot that day, but a few days later I was back up. I also learned about general compatibility, The two dates I went on with Eliza were fun! I had a great time talking with her, but nevertheless there wasn't that spark. My reflexes went straight for adaptation to be more interesting for her, but after a week of not really talking, I realized we just weren't meant to be and that was ok.
I learned to be ok with myself. I had been motivated by self-hatred for a long time, it's a natural inclination for me. Self-hatred is a great motivator, it allows you to really keep you moving towards your goal and slip-ups are heavily punished, but it's not a healthy one. If your goals are vague like "being happy" that's where self-hatred becomes more of a hindrance than a boon. Talking with Roomie has helped me a lot with this, having someone to listen to you and to disagree with that inner voice has let me get over my hatred. My feelings may stay the same, but it's a motivational voice of love telling me to improve instead of a hateful voice condemning my failures.
I also found my voice, being happy to talk with others. Part of that was from the apps, having a chance to really practice, but it carried over into real life. I found the urge to close those awkward silences. I'm still not perfect, open ended questions like "who are you?" are ones I still need to work on, but I feel happy to talk to strangers. That's one thing I love about working the cash register, getting to chat for a brief moment to so many different characters in this beautiful story.
I learned I'm not an atheist. I was always so hostile to the idea of religion, and I'm certainly not a subscriber to any one religion, but I do have some form of faith I need to explore.
This year has been a rigorous challenge. 2021 felt like a bad year with a lot of good things happening, where 2022 was a good year with a lot of bad things happening. in 2021 I was trapped but succeeding and now I am free but struggling. I'm learning who I am, accepted change, and am excited for the road ahead! :)