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So I broke up with Sage on Saturday.
I thought it was going to be mutual, we had taken a week long break a week prior and it felt like we never really got back on the right foot. It turned out not to be, she was actually thinking things were going well; I, evidently, did not. My bike had been stolen on Monday and I didn't receive much support from her, though in our conversation I learned she really did feel bad for me, her language didn't reflect it. That incident caused me to reflect on whether or not we were truly compatible. Sure we enjoyed each others company for the most part but it seemed like I was ready to take steps forward that she didn't feel comfortable with. My mother had invited her to a party they are having next month, and my father invited her to Thanksgiving, both of which she declined. It was somewhat confusing, one day we're meeting each other's families, but then a casual event is too much? I can at least understand having misgivings about doing Thanksgiving but nevertheless I was disappointed in her.
Over the last week it had been tearing me apart, there wasn't one day I didn't cry about feeling so conflicted. I liked her, I thought she was beautiful (still do), but at the same time I knew from the beginning it wouldn't last. We didn't have much in common, sure we both like spooky stuff, but that was about it. We mostly just talked about our lives and our families, but it didn't feel like I was really getting much closer with her. She would divulge her various traumas, real traumas, she had a very rough childhood, but it seemed like it was almost her entire identity, which I can understand given what all she went through with two meth-heads for parents, but there weren't really any other passions. When I would talk about the things I cared about, I didn't feel like she cared much. I can go on about our problems for a while, but to summarize, we just were different in too many ways; Different communication styles, different readiness for seriousness, different (albeit not necessarily opposing) political beliefs, different outlooks on life.
I made her cry that night, I cried too, but far less than I had the rest of the week, and I haven't cried since. I actually feel good, I feel alive, I feel free. I made the right decision, I just wish I didn't have to hurt her in the process.
I learned I can't put off being my whole self with a partner. Sure, I won't divulge all my quirks as soon as meet someone, especially my more controversial, conspiratorial beliefs, right out the gate, but I need to be more open. I felt like I was always lying to her a bit when I used her roommate's they/them pronouns while largely believing in the gender binary. I felt like I was lying to her when I nodded along with body positivity. I felt like I was lying when I didn't object to her deriding rural Americans as "YeeHaws".
I learned my partner must be, more or less, happy. She was upfront about her depression and I thought I could help her through it, having overcome my own in the past year, but that is truly an internal matter that one should settle before one looks for love, as much as I am the biggest hypocrite for saying that as that's exactly what I did when I was depressed. It was just hard to be dragged down, not being able to see all the beauty that life had to offer.
I learned how not to be a prude. I was so terrified of anything sexual after my forced celibacy with Syd. With Sage it was relieving to explore sexuality without the notion of shame or fear.
I learned my parents are a bit more accepting than I thought. I honestly thought they wouldn't like her because of her patchwork tattoos running down her arms, but they took no issue with it.
I don't regret the time I spent with her. This summer was amazing and I cherish a lot of the memories we made, even though it didn't work out. Watching shooting stars with her legs wrapped around me, wading in the pool with the slight chill of the dry summer night air on the fourth of July will always stick with me as a moment where I felt more alive than ever.
Things end, things begin, lessons get learned. I just need to keep an eye out for myself.