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2024-02-02 00:01:32Z (last updated 2024-02-02 00:05:54Z)
On 2024-01-24 (9 days ago), I started identifying as agender. Over those few days, I have come out to a select few people who I know is very unlikely to be queerphobic (those people were... you guessed it, queer people and allies).
Today, I am come out more publicly on the internet as agender.
Well, it's a long story. A very long one.
On 2021-11-25, I setup a Mastodon instance from scratch with a curiosity, wondering what Mastodon is and stuff like that.
I followed a couple of people here and there. Those people would then boost stuff. Then I would follow the people who got boosted.
Over the months and years, I built up a sizable accounts that I follow, usually hovering about 80 accounts. The list of accounts have varied a lot over time, but currently it's mostly filled queer people.
So you know what happens when some cis guy follows a bunch of queer people: The cis guy turns queer. Oops /j
Well, what actually is I just happened to follow a bunch of queer people. Then those queer people would post about gender. Heck, even shitpost about gender.
Over time, I absorbed a lot of gender stuff. Knowledge in general too, but also the shitposts. Then I made some gender shitposts as well.
On 2023-11-21, I put up a post about experimenting with different pronouns. The original intention and purpose was to find out why someone would use it/its pronouns. While that happened, I also included they/them pronouns to see how I felt about those.
The answer to my question of "why would someone want to use it/its pronouns" was answered by beeps' website on its pronouns.
beeps' website and on its pronouns
About a month ago, I started slightly more seriously question about my gender identity. Just slightly more seriously.
Well, the questioning process was pretty simple. I was just wondering like "If I was genderqueer, what gender would be I be?" and came to the conclusion of agender after some thinking.
I thought agender because well, gender is not actually something I care about a lot, especially on other people. I don't really treat other people differently just because of their gender. And for the gender of me, I was kind of like "who cares lol" and left the questioning process at that with no further changes.
The thought of "I could be agender" was left in my brain. Then my brain found it again, and was like "hey, what's about this?"
Then the more serious questioning process started. Which was about a month ago (as I mentioned earlier). The questioning mostly consisted of "Do I really feel like agender?"
Today, my answer to that question is: Probably yes!
Now the next part: I've decided my gender. Now I'm going to tell people about it, I guess.
So I started with what should be the least difficult people to deal with: Other queer people.
I figured that I would have a pretty good acceptance rate with other queer people, and higher acceptance rate than with the supposed "friends" that I "made" (who I can't find much of a connection with anymore).
Now the biggest part of coming out to other people is talking to people. How the hell are you supposed to go from nothing to gender identity? It feels way too abrupt to just go into gender identity.
So here's the ways I came out, so far:
In those cases, I was not direct to the people I was coming out to. Even in the case of "coming up with words that start with the letter G", starting even that was kind of difficult.
Now I'm going to address the tiny elephant in the room: The non-queer people. What about those who aren't queer? Am I coming out to those people?
Well, I'm probably just going to leave them uninformed unless they ask about it. And they probably won't ask about it.
On the fediverse (Mastodon is part of it), what I did is I just put a little emoji thing in my nickname. It was a neofox emoji with the agender pride flag.
So I put an emoji in my nickname, and also posted about identifying as agender (on 2024-01-24).
In this case, I wasn't talking to anyone specifically, I was just shouting into the void. Maybe someone would hear me from the void and react back, and there was 1 case where the void reacted back (I'll talk about my reaction to that reaction in the next section).
It felt much easier to just yell at the void than it was talking to people. Maybe I'm too neurospicy for talking to people (yes, I'm neurospicy, if you also didn't know that).
After coming out on the Fediverse, I've got 1 reaction from it. It's not a lot of reaction, but the reaction itself is a lot to me. It was simply "wait, agender jackson???" and I felt so much joy that I didn't even understand why.
Similar thing happened as well with the "hunt challenge", where they found the thing then I felt a sense of joy, which again, I did not understand.
Now with the new gender of agender, what are my pronouns?
My pronouns are they/them, it/its (experimental), and he/him.
Of course, you should find the most update pronouns at <https://pronouns.cc/@jacksonchen666>.
By definition, I am transgender. Although I'm not sure if I vibe with that label, so I may or may not drop it in the future.
In the current state, I'm 80% sure about being agender, while having 60% of the percentage be just doubts and stuff.
Yes, I know that 80+60≠100, but that's how it kind of feels. It feels like I'm mostly confident, and also somewhat doubting. I don't really understand either.
I have not changed anything about my bathroom situation yet actually.
The place I regularly go to has some particularities with bathrooms... There's gendered bathrooms and gender neutral bathrooms. I (along with many other people, queer and non-queer) are only really allowed to use the gendered bathrooms. The gender neutral bathrooms are pretty much privileged for some reason.
I still go to the bathrooms of my previous gender, although I have found 1 gender neutral that isn't privileged and I've been taking advantage of that.
Although using that gender neutral feels very awkward, because people tend to not use that gender neutral for some reason. And I haven't changed my gender expression at all so uhhhhhhhh
Anyways, there's only 1 gender neutral bathroom I know of. However, that's way too far away in most cases, so I have to resort to... *sigh*... Gendered bathrooms.
Actually, wouldn't technically be misgendering myself? Like... I'm going to the bathroom of my previous gender, not the current one. So I would be sending the wrong signals about my gender...
Well, I don't see how I could resolve this "self misgendering" and "lack of gender neutral bathrooms" situation without having to resort to campaigning for more gender neutral bathrooms. Oh well, guess I'll have to do that eventually anyways.
So far, I haven't experienced any queermisia actually. I guess I picked a really good group of people so far, and my moderation of my own Fediverse instance has been "OK enough" (or nobody queerphobic noticed/cared enough).
If you do have the desire to send me some queermisia, I don't give a crap about you and you should just move on. Heck, I'm gonna throw the following words for people with a hatred towards queer people:
Unsubscribe from my feeds! Block my domain name! (in your browser and fedi instance!) Forget my existence!
You probably don't need me anyways. Just move on if you hate queer people, because well, I AM queer.
I think this was enough writing for today. Uhh good night?